Effective Parenting in a Defective World - How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World, Part 2

Conflicts with kids are inevitable.

And I think one of the most intimidating things about parenting is the fear of losing our kids when these conflicts present themselves. Well, today I'm going to share eight specific key things that you can do that will build the kind of relationship so that you can weather just about any conflict. Stay with me. Well, thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram on this international discipleship program.

I'm Dave Drouie. And in this program, Chip continues his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World with eight principles that will help you build strong, positive connections with the children in your life. Now just before we get started, let me encourage you to get Chip's message notes for this series.

There are so many great ideas. These notes will help you catch them all and maybe pass them on to a parent who could use a little help right about now. Chip's message notes are a quick download at livingontheedge.org under the broadcasts tab.

App listeners tap fill in notes and you're set. Now with part two of his message, How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World, here's Chip. First Thessalonians chapter two, he says, But we were gentle among you. How?

Like a mother, circle the word mother, caring for her little children. He says, This is how we treated you. We loved you so much that we're delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, I mean, not just the content, not the truth, but our own lives as well.

Why? Because you had become so dear to us. Would you underline the word gentle, caring, loved, share dear to us?

He's saying we loved you. And this is how a child needs a mother's love. There's a tenderness. There's a nurturing. There's a commitment. There's a pouring out your life that builds relationships that bond. But kids need a father's love.

Now both do both. But he says, For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father, circle father. Well, how should a father deal with his child? One who encourages, comforting and urging you what?

Notice the target, the man in the house, living a life worthy of God. The world is not about you. It's not how many points you score. It's not your SAT scores. It's not that you got in Ivy League school or Stanford. If those things happen, great.

If you happen to be a good musician, athlete, great. I want you to live a life worthy of God. That's the target who calls you into his kingdom and glory. I did a word study on each of these words, encouraging, comforting and urging. And the role of the father, the mother is nurturing and caring, and we get to do that as dads. But the role of the father, the first word is you're the biggest cheerleader.

Something about a dad on the sidelines. You can do it, honey. Great job here.

Oh, you'll you'll do OK on that test. I'm for you. I'm 100 percent. You're their biggest cheerleader. You inspire. You praise. You encourage. The next word is translated comforting, but it's also translate.

This word is also translated exhorting, admonishing. It's the idea of you want to help your child as you're helping your child. Sometimes the goal is how do you help them break through a barrier? And sometimes what they need is, you know, they they fell off the balance beam or they really did bad on a test or they were in the recital and they completely froze. And they need comforted. They need to say, hey, it's OK. Life is more than a recital, this or that. And that dad comes in.

I'm for you. But sometimes the barrier is they get full of themselves and you've told them, look, I don't want you to hang out with those two people. We know what happens in their home. Their parents aren't home.

There's a lot of free alcohol and drugs going on. I forbid you to hang out with them and ever go in their home when their parents aren't there. And then, of course, somehow I think God orchestrates this, at least in my life and even with my kids. You find out stuff that you'd never know how you found it out.

Right. And here's what a dad does. Son, sit down. Now, we need to have a very serious talk and your deep dad voice kicks in. I'm not sure if there was something that wasn't clear about what we talked about, about not hanging around with those two people or going into that house. But I'm aware you did.

There may be some extenuating circumstances that I don't know about, but let's get this straight right now. Consequences will be severe and swift, but you're such a great kid and I believe in you so much and I trust you so much. This is a warning. The next word is urge.

This is the severe consequences kick in. And so the dad is going, you can do it. I'm going to help you break through a barrier. And then finally is draw a line in the sand.

You know something? You went to that house again. We agreed. We have a written contract. You're now grounded for a week.

I'm really sorry that you'll miss the prom, your first basketball game or whatever, and your mother is crying and she will get over it. But this is the way it is. Those were true stories. Here's the here's the principle. I put a little picture on here that I think will be helpful. In your heart of hearts, you're making progress and you have certain values and beliefs, right? You love God. You want to be a person of integrity. You want your kid to be other centered. You want him to be kind. You want him to learn how to be a team player.

You want him to make a significant contribution to other people. And you say to yourself, these are my values and I want to transmit those values across this bridge of life from zero to about early 20s and sometimes a little bit later. And here's what it is, is your values, not what you say, by the way, but how you actually live, your values will be transmitted across this bridge of relationship.

And there's going to be a lot of ups and downs. So it's the strength of the glue of your relationship that that bridge can hold a lot of truth and a lot of disappointment and a lot of pain. And so it's very simply goes like this. Axiom number one would be the stronger the relationship you have with your child, the more likely they will embrace the values that you have.

Flip it over. The weaker relationship that you have with your child, the less likely they will embrace the values that you have. And finally, tension and conflict are inevitable. So they're going to cross that bridge. There's going to be times where you're on this page and they're on that page.

And what will sustain you over time is all that time invested in building a glue from the heart that when you have to say hard things and they slam the door, I don't love you anymore. You're the worst mom in the whole world. I just can't stand it.

I wish you were a dad, but I wish you weren't a Christian dad. I've heard all of that. And you know what? They get over it. They get over it if you know.

You live it. You love them. And as much as they scream and cry out because of the pressure externally, they can embrace and they see your life.

And every year that they get older, they see the wisdom of God's way in your life. So let me give you eight very specific ways to build that kind of relationship. I'll go a bit fast because these are things you can really develop. And then I want you, as I go through these, I'd like you to be asking yourself, what one of these? You can do two if you want, but what one of these this week, what I'm going to start doing, even if my kids are grown, even if I have to figure out a way to do it long distance. Number one is unconditional love.

This may come naturally for a lot of you. Verbalize your unconditional love. Let them know, I love you. Communicate verbally, I love you. Embrace them in ways that communicate unconditional love.

Try and find opportunities when you know they failed and they know they failed, where you separate their bad behavior or their failure from them. What you did is unacceptable. Who you are is always acceptable. So multiple, multiple ways you want to communicate unconditional love.

I'm for you no matter what. Sometimes you do that verbally. Sometimes you do it by your behavior. Out of our four kids, we had one son that we went through about a four year season of rebellion, and he did not want to be around me. He did not want to be around our family.

He did not want to do anything. He said, you know, Dad, I kind of like you as a person. I wish you weren't a Christian, Dad. I don't know if I believe in Jesus or anything. I want to stay out as late.

I want to do what all my friends do. And sometimes unconditional love is you can't have your own way. You and I are going to go out to breakfast and you can keep rolling your eyes and I'm still going to come to your games. And I'm still going to pray for you out loud and we're still going to hang out. Because there's nothing you can do ever just make me stop loving you.

How do you do that? See, our kids can wound us like no one else. They can hurt you like no one else. And what if you're not careful is when they wound you, you start putting up walls. Because when you get wounded, even with your own kid, you want to pay them back.

And what we know how to do in very sophisticated ways is now to love them conditionally and manipulate their life. The second is scheduled time. Lots of ways you can do this, but can I just give you three quick ones? Have dates with your kids. And I know some of you have a lot of kids, some not too many and maybe it's every other week. Second, only have one calendar, especially those that work outside the home. One calendar.

I mean, for years I had my work calendar and then on the refrigerator we had the family calendar. And here's what can happen if you're not careful. Boy, there's a real big meeting and this is a big thing and a big project at work. Oh, here's this really, really thing, we've got to do that. Oh, yeah, well honey, we were supposed to go out to breakfast, we'll do that next week. Or we try to eat as a family, but you have these seasons, you have these times.

It's only lasted nine years, but it's a very long season. And I'm up before the sun comes up and I get home basically after dark. But it's quality time, right? I take you to Disneyland, I buy you lots of stuff because I feel guilty inside. Put them all on the same calendar. And then when someone says, can you do this or that? I'd love to, I get a very important commitment. You don't have to tell them it's eating with your family.

You don't have to tell them it's having breakfast or lunch with one of your kids. I've got news for you, after all the deals you get done doing and all the super important stuff, you have them for a window of time, I mean, inside your house for a very limited time. And what happens in that very limited time, it will shape. I mean, you hit 50 through about 80 if you live that long, it will shape all those years.

And you won't even remember the deals. Is there balance? Is there seasons? Common sense?

Yeah. Schedule time with your kids. Eat together as a family.

No technology on. No people going on the plates, they heat their stuff up, you heat your stuff up. If you're eating in minivans because you have practice on Monday, practice on Wednesday, something on Thursday, something on Friday, ask yourself if you were from a different planet and someone stepped in and said, Excuse me, I'm from a different planet.

I'm doing an analysis on what really matters to people. I noticed that you were doing this, this, this, this and this. So the goal of all parenting is that you watch your kids play sports and you sit and stand with people you don't know.

Is this correct? Is that your long-term goal? And you would say, No.

Then why are you doing it? Because Johnny would be so disappointed if he doesn't get to be on that team with all his friends, and he might cry. Let him cry.

Let him know he's a loved son or a loved daughter. Schedule time. The third schedule time is dinner, dates and bedtimes.

Men especially, put your kids to bed, tell them stories, read them Bible stories, make up stories about yourself. Third is focused attention. Listening in an understanding way.

Cornell University did a study of two-year-olds. They put a microphone on them for a couple weeks until everyone realized that they didn't notice them anymore. And then they had fathers come in, and they discovered that the average father, except for high and bi, are you ready for this?

Was spending a whopping 37 seconds per week in meaningful conversation with their kids. I mean, were you really listening? How many of us get in the car, kids in the car? Yeah, honey, I'll be right with you. Yeah, how'd your day go?

Oh, Dad, you can't believe what happened. We were coloring monsters. I've got a business meeting here, and I've got to order that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, good monsters? Excuse me, I've got to take this. Yeah, Bobby, yeah, right.

Tell them we can't do that. Are you kidding me? The stock just went down. Oh, yeah, honey, tell me about the monsters.

No, no, Daddy, it was monsters. You know what? They get it. You're not here. I don't matter.

I don't matter. Paper's up. Eyes are here. You've got to be there. Focused attention, and part of focused attention is eye contact. You look them in the eye.

You shut off stuff. There's a powerful, the eyes are the window of the soul. Your kids need to see you look into their eyes and almost be able to feel what's going through your mind is, I can't believe I get to be this boy or girl's dad or mom. They are so precious, and I love them so much.

That's what they need to see when you look into their eye, because that's what you're feeling inside. And everything else will wait, and you never have to rush with your kids. So you schedule time, and you make it matter.

Number five is consistent or ongoing communication. Did we mention eating together? Oh, yes.

You have to talk. And by the way, there's some of you that are going, oh, man, start with two times a week. It's a novel idea.

It happened historically. Cook some food in your own house. It's a thought.

There's a range. They've got some burners and stuff rarely used, but you'll figure it out. It's not that hard. Get some food, cook it, set a table, turn the TV, computers, everything off, and sit around. It'll be weird at first. And then ask, like, how did your day go at school? Or how are you feeling today? Or what made you happy?

Or what was your biggest challenge? And then be prepared for, uh, nah, nothing, okay, fine. And what you are is you smile and say, inside, I refuse to allow that to be our dinner table conversation. Well, I'm going to tell you what happened with me. And honestly, tell them some stuff. They won't understand it all. I had a big meeting today, and this is what happened, and they're going, what?

And you create a culture where there's a safe place where all the world gets pushed aside. What did Jesus do the very last night He was going to be with His disciples? They ate together. Jesus got accused of being such a terrible person because what did He do with tax collectors and sinners? He ate with them.

The very first thing that happens in heaven, when it all gets wrapped up, we're going to the marriage supper of the Lamb. There's something about eating. There's secular research that talks about families that eat together are healthy, and they have great relationships. Ongoing communication. Meaningful touching is critical.

The largest organ you have is your skin. When your kids are small, if you're a dad especially, wrestle with them, wrestle with them, wrestle with them. They want to be touched. We feel affirmed and loved when we're touched. Your daughters need to have non-sexual touching to feel feminine and important and valuable and to know that men can be safe. I remember early I would come home and always bug Teresa.

I couldn't figure out why. She was in the middle of cooking dinner, and I'd always want to come and mess around and kiss her or something. And she's going, you know, like, is this really the right time?

And I would say, yes, actually it is. I'm only wanting to model this for our children. It has nothing to do with any sexual desires or anything like that. I'm just a loving father trying to model something for our kids, you know. And she would, you know, okay, give me a hug. And Annie would run in and get between us, and we would hug, and she would go, oh, let's do a peanut butter sandwich. And you know what that little girl wanted? She wanted, when two people love each other, it's a safe place.

And she wanted to be right in the middle and feel touched and consumed and loved and important. And some of you aren't huggers, so I have a suggestion. It doesn't come naturally. Do it anyway.

Just do it anyway. You know, I watched my wife get hugged by her dad probably for the first time in his late 60s. And she never heard her father say, I love you, to her until he was in his 70s. You understand weird things we do? You understand the psychology of what happens in the soul of a human being if down deep you don't feel like your mother or your father loves you? And if the most powerful way that we express that is both verbally and by touching? See, these are the kind of things that, they bypass the brain, they go down in the soul of your kids.

And when you're in an argument later or when they want to date someone that you know is bad news and when they want to get out with some friends that you know there's drugs and alcohol and when you're talking about this school or that school and you think, no, yeah, no, that's a party school in the whole world and you guys can't get on the same page and you have to make a really hard call, it will be this strength of relationship that when they even have to accept and you're doing this, there's stuff down in here that's been invested in. Final two are ones that I think they're equally important, you might think I'm crazy, but it's have fun together and pray together often. I just think, I see people that are like super spiritually, okay, are you ready? Bobby, I want you to pray for Africa, I want you to pray for Europe, I want you to pray, okay, ready, go! Heavenly Father, thou art thine. Okay, 7.4 minutes on your prayer, here we go again. All right, now it's supper time, close your eyes.

And now, holy God, God! I change his name when I'm really, and the kids are sitting there going, what in the world is this about? You pray when you tuck them in, you get in the car ready to go to school, Lord, would you help us? You play one-on-one basketball in the driveway and you're absolutely sweaty and wringing wet and you lay down and you're looking up at the stars and without warning, oh God, I can't believe I get to be this kid's dad.

He just beat me for the first time and it was a blast. Thanks for just letting us be friends. A siren goes by and your kid's in their preteens and, you know, you've been spending time as a family, Emily, Emily, someone's really hurting right now, I got to keep my eyes open, but would you pray for whoever's in that ambulance? And your kids just start realizing prayer isn't something you do, it's communicating with God and we do it and there's a tragedy and everyone sits on the family room floor and you beg God for grandma or grandfather's life. And then you have to say no to some stuff because it's a wicked world and your house is the fun place. Invest in a ping-pong table, invest in a foosball, invest in something that isn't just electronic and people are staring at screens, play board games, make your house where it's fun. Well, you can't go to that party but here's what we're going to do. And be active and focused and just have a blast with your kids. Invest deeply in them. The final one is not just a clear target, not just that you're the teacher, not in an environment of love, but effective parenting requires constant repair and ongoing maintenance.

The scripture says if we confess our sins, He's faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. OK, here's the deal. Your kids are going to mess up. And even if they don't mess up, whatever you're doing right, like you have these little seasons and you're, OK, they're like four or five or six and you're trying to help teach them some responsibility, a little basic thing like make their bed or take out the trash and they forget and you're frustrated and so you read in a book, put a chart up, trash, bed, and when they do it, they get a sticker, you know, and all the time they get a sticker and they go, woo, and like for three months they just take out the trash every day and they make their bed.

It's like, wow, and month number four, who wants stickers? Or they're a teenager and we're going to make a contract and we want you to be responsible and, OK, if you do this, here's the consequences, but if you do this in school and this has consequences, if you stop treating your mother like, here's the reward you're going to get, wow, I'm independent and they get the contract and, you know, for three, four, five months, man, it's great and this tension's gone and then all of a sudden it's, you know, I don't believe in contracts. Welcome to the NFL of parenting. Nothing ever stays the same. And by the way, it's not just that they change, you change. When I was not consistent, I had this amazing correlation. When I wasn't consistent with rewarding and distilling my children, they acted up, huh?

Couldn't figure it out. I can't tell you how many times I'd get the whole family together and say, you know what, I've really not been the dad God wants me to be because you guys are doing this, this and this and we've said these would be the consequences and I just couldn't get out of that lazy boy and I didn't do anything about it. And so now you're fighting with each other and you're talking back to your mom and you're back to not finishing your homework and you're beating your brother up and that's got to stop.

But I could blame a lot of people but it starts with me, I'm the dad. So I want to ask you guys to forgive me for not being the dad I'm supposed to be in and I want you to know like we're going to end this little family meeting like 30 seconds afterwards, dad's back. And I'm going to reward you and love you like I know God wants me to and I'll provide those consequences we agreed on. And then I would literally plan and look four times to try and catch them doing something right and really affirm them and then the very first time they did the thing that we've been talking about, swift and loving of course.

Now I'm serious and you know what, it recalibrated. Here's the five magic words and I don't mean that like magic, I mean like it's amazing, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Okay, we're in this together and you know it's never too late. And I don't know any families that haven't had big struggles and you may have a son or daughter that's dealing with an addiction or is in a relationship that breaks your heart or a little kid that's acting out or someone that you're thinking, are they going to pee the bed like until they're 15, right? I mean there's all these kind of issues that we all have and it just means you're a regular mom or dad with a regular kid and we're on a journey but I'll tell you what, you set a clear target, you practice what you preach, you build relationships that bond at whatever age and then you realize there's always going to be ongoing maintenance and constant repair and I will tell you and then we got to help each other and we're going to learn how to really then walk through the very specific ways to help our kids.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's message, How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World, is from his series, Effective Parenting in a Defective World. If you or someone you know is in the thick of parenting or grandparenting right now, this series offers practical biblical insight to start applying today. With all the craziness going on, a little sanity, especially for such an important job as parenting, will go a long way. Don't miss out on the limited time discounts on all the resources for effective parenting in a defective world, including the book and the small group video study. You'll find all the details at livingontheedge.org.

You'll also find them by tapping special offers on the app or by giving us a call at 888-333-6003. Well, as we wrap up today's program, let me play coach here for just a minute and I know I went through those eight ways to build bonds with your children pretty quickly. The message notes are available online at livingontheedge.org or obviously in the study guide small group material. But just for today, let's act today. I want you to think about the one or two that came to your mind that you can practice this week. Just choose one or two, and it might be eye contact.

It might be time alone. It might be words of affirmation. Or I will tell you the two most powerful things you can do, secular studies.

I mean, the Bible teaches this, but secular studies. The two most powerful things you can do to build a bond with your kids is eat together and you put them to bed. Now, by the way, if they're teenagers, you're probably not going to sit on the end of the bed and read them a bedtime story. But make a connection even with your teenagers before they go to bed. You know, all the way through, when my kids grew up, even when they were 15, 17, 19, we had that connection before they went to bed. I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad. You give one another a hug.

Sometimes you go, you lay across the bed, say, hey, man, how did your day go? When they're small, read Bible stories to them and make up stories about your life. My kids loved it, and especially Dad's. Would you hear this?

I mean, you heard that statistic. The average father spends 37 seconds of meaningful conversation with your kid. Dad's, you are important, and you might not know what to do, and you might not be the greatest Bible teacher, but I will tell you, you put your kids to bed, and you just make up stories about your childhood, and they'll be on the edge of your seat. I remember making up stories, and I would think to myself, I have no idea where this is going. And I'd get near the end, and I'd say, and the end of the story, and they would lean forward, you know, is tomorrow night. Oh, Dad, Dad, come on, come on.

No, no, no, no. You've got to remind me about this story, because I knew I wouldn't remember it. And it built such a bond and such a relationship as they hear your heart like when you were a kid. Eat with your family. Tell them stories. Connect at bedtime, but choose one or two of these things, and do them on a regular basis, and you will experience a very powerful connection with your kids. It's our sincere desire to help families experience the daily victories and joy that come from doing life God's way, and that's why we're unapologetically encouraging you to gather a handful of parents to do effective parenting together.

We get that it's got to be safe, but you can do it, even if it's meeting online. Now, to receive free online streaming, just order the study guide. DVDs are available, too. To preview the teaching and see the study guide, go to livingontheedge.org. And whether you go the video route or get the book, both are discounted for a limited time. You'll find everything you're looking for at livingontheedge.org when you tap Special Offers on the app or just give us a call at 888-333-6003. Well, I hope you'll join us again next time when Chip continues his series, Effective Parenting in a Defective World. Until then, for everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.