Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. How do you deal with a chronically bad relationship? Right, I mean it just doesn't work, and in some cases you are actually related to these people. It's chaos, it's chronic, it's negative. What do you do?
When do you give up? How do you stay in the game? What's the will of God? That's today on Living on the Edge. Hello, I'm Dave Drui, and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Ever notice how the things that bug you most about someone else are often the very things you struggle with yourself? Today, Chip concludes our series called "Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love" by showing us why dealing with our own hearts has to come first before we can ever hope to help someone else with theirs.
Now here's Chip Ingram reading the words of Jesus in Luke chapter six, verse twenty-seven, with today's message titled "The Only Person I Can Change Is Me." He says, "But I say to you who hear, love your enemies and do good to those who hate you, bless those who persecute you, and pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, literally the right cheek." Offer him the left, and whoever takes away your coat, don't withhold your shirt from him as well. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. And just as you want men to treat you, treat them in the same way. And if you love those who love you, what credit is that?
For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, What credit is that for? Even sinners do the same thing, and if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive credit, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. In other words, when you're just dishing out what what other people dish to you, or when you're playing the tit for tat game, you're just part of the human race.
But that's not like a follower of Jesus. That's not a supernatural response. That's not how relationships work. And then he goes on to say, "But love your enemies and do good and lend and expect nothing in return." And notice here is where now the faith kicks in. Your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He Himself is kind to whom to the ungrateful and evil men.
We're never more like God and we're never more like His Son Jesus than we give people what they don't deserve. And then notice he wants to explain how God is kind. He says, "Be merciful," or literally, the phrase is "become" or "show mercy," just as your father is merciful, and do not pass judgment. And you will not be judged, and do not condemn, and you shall not be condemned. Pardon, and you will be pardoned.
All of a sudden, God's. I'm saying you're saying, Hey, this is not fair. This is you know chronic rheumatitis, and this person's a jerk at work, and he won't get off the couch, and she's not very affectionate, and this kid's been disrespectful, and they don't deserve it. On and on and on. And Jesus says, Do you want to break the system?
Every relationship is a system. There's some sort of feedback relational loop that you develop with people, and it's a system, and you have a system going with them, and most of us are waiting for this other person to change. I want them to change, and so we create ways that we think will help them change. Most of the ways are ineffective and negative. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
Now that doesn't work at home, and it doesn't work at work. You know, or passive aggressive. You know, I'm going to figure out how to pay you back in subtle ways where it doesn't come out, but you really pay, and I execute vengeance. That's what that's what that's what unresolved anger, passive aggressive behavior does. And Jesus said, all those ways aren't how you build relationships in the kingdom.
You are powerless to change other people. Boy, when you get that, I mean your light bulbs go. You are powerless to change your wife, powerless to change your friends, powerless to change your husband, powerless to change your kids, powerless to change your in laws, powerless to change your boss. You are powerless in and of yourself to change anybody. The principle is, you can only change you.
I can only change me. I mean, down. Do we really know what's going on inside of that clerk, or what's really going on inside even your mate, or that disrespectful kid? See, we judge and come to conclusions, and we assume our perspective is the perspective. I actually have a little three by five card because I'm so bad at this.
Especially if you have some spiritual gift in the area of discernment, then what you think is, you you can read people. I mean, I I know what's going. I mean, I've sitting down with my wife. I know exactly what she's thinking. She looks at me in her quiet, lovely little blonde hair and steel blue eyes, and says, "You can't read my mind, and you don't know what I'm thinking." And I need that because, see, my tendency is to think I my perspective is the perspective.
In fact, in major conflicts, I've learned a little rule. I mean, major major conflicts, whether they be at work or at home or with a neighbor or. I start the conversation by saying, "You know, let's see if we can't get all the facts on the table." And what I like to do is share my perspective of the truth, that is not to be confused with reality. What I am telling you is this: is honestly how I see it, and I want to get that on the table. And I would like you to tell me how you really see it, and then let's see if we can put those together.
And I won't assume that how I see it is the way it is. And would you just suspend judgment for just a little while and not assume that your perspective is the perspective? Because otherwise, how do you? The only response you can have, if your judgment, your evaluation is the way it is, then if the other person disagrees, the only thing you can do is become defensive, and what's that do? That takes the relationship farther and farther apart.
The second objection is that Chip, you know, that all sounds really good. It's very spiritual. I appreciate that. That probably works for you and Teresa. I hope you guys do well with that.
But what you don't really get, see, I've been at this a lot longer time. It's her pride, it's her insensitivity, and it's her baggage. Look, we've actually been to counseling on this one, and we both agree it's her issues. Or it's it's his passive aggressive or angry outbursts. I'm the one in the family that, or in the in the in laws.
I walk. We walk with God. See, you don't understand. You probably you're just total misperception. You don't understand.
We are the spiritual people in this chronic. Related to Titus, and they are the pagan, immature, not walking with God, arrogant, insensitive. Got the big problems, people.
So I understand all this stuff about giving what they don't deserve, and I'll try that just a little bit more. But okay, so just before you go there, see what comes before the verse really has a lot to say about that verse. But you can't stop there because what comes right after the verse often has just as much to say.
So we're told to do this outrageous behavior of showing mercy, of loving our enemies, of of giving with no expectation of return. Of and if we give, by the way, did you notice this is a promise? This is from the lips of Jesus. This isn't like a chipism. This isn't a principle that someone has developed from the Bible.
From the very lips of Jesus, it's a promise. Give, and by the way, did you notice it's not a financial passage? I mean, everyone uses this for finances because it applies. This is not a financial passage. This is a relational passage.
Jesus just talked to them about blessed our, blessed our, blessed our, blessed our, blessed our, and then he just talked about how to treat people in ways that they should never deserve. And then he says, "Give, and it will be given unto you." Good measure, pressed out, shaken together, running over, back into your lap.
Well, let's let's just go one more verse or two or three or four, and let's look at verse thirty-nine to see out of this radical promise he makes about relationships. He says, and he also told them a parable. Notice that little phrase, "and he also." Any time the author, empowered by the Holy Spirit, is connecting what he's saying now with what he just said, there's a good probability that what he now has just said ties in to what he previously said. And so he also told them a parable: a blind man cannot guide a blind man, can he? Will they not both fall into a pit?
A pupil's not above his teacher, but everyone after he's been fully trained will be like his teacher. And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, "Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye," when you yourself do not see? Notice, it's not just that you have it; you don't see it. You do not see the log that is in your own eye.
You hypocrite. First, circle the word "first" in your Bible. This is what gets left out when this is taught. First, take the log out of your own eye, and then you'll be able to see clearly to take out the speck that's in your brother's eye. Often, this is taught like, "Oh, never judge anyone.
You should never evaluate anything." Oh, you know, you've got issues of yourself. Who are you to speak into? This doesn't say you don't speak in other people's lies. This says just look at yourself first. Look at what your issues are.
Look at what you need to change. Look at what God wants to say to you, and then once you do that, okay, now you have a little clearer vision. Out of kindness and love, and by the way, a sense of oh wow, God, you know, once I see what I've done and how insensitive I've been to you, and other things I've done in my life, what do I want? Mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy. Please don't hold that against me.
I am really, really sorry, God. I am sure. Oh, please, please, please. When you really get that, guess how you are going to start treating other people. Oh God, God, God!
I want, I want. I really don't want to treat them like you treat me, but this seems really clear. If I don't, I am in big trouble.
So. I want to give away mercy, treat people, and withhold what's justly due, and I want to extend grace because that's what you've done. Because I, I saw the log, and I thought they were arrogant until I looked in my heart. I thought they were insensitive, and they are in this relationship. But I've been insensitive to you, and you know I got a disrespectful child.
But boy, you know, Lord, I never really thought that my own childhood, my own attitude toward my parents, could have any relationship to what I'm producing. You see what he's saying. Deal with your own stuff first, and then notice he. He actually is going to tell us how to go about it. He says, "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor on the other hand a bad tree which produces good fruit.
For each tree is known by its fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from from briar bushes." And his point is, whatever whatever the roots are, whatever the genuine roots are, that's going to come out in the fruit, in the behavior, in the actions. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back to today's message in just a moment. But first, did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel.
There, you'll find full video versions of his Bible teachings, along with entire series on marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for your schedule. All right, now back to our message. And then you and what he's saying is, so so you get the log out. You need to look at your own issues, look at the root of your own issues, and you deal with that.
And then the kind of fruit that will come out in your life.
Now you're the kind of person that can love and look in and help others. And then, just in case you're thinking to yourself, "Well, how can you really know the fruit in your own life?" Look at verse 45. He just sort out of the blue after talks about the fruit and trees and the parallels. The good man out of the good treasure, literally out of his treasury. It's almost like there's a treasury down in your heart.
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good, and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil. For his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. And so, what I realize is, is that not only do I need to give what I want most in a relationship, but I'm never more like God when I give people what they don't deserve, and it's not fair. It's supernatural. But the other thing is, the problem is not the other person.
That's my perception of the problem. I'm not saying the other person doesn't have significant problems, but what I'm saying is the problem in the relational system is I need to go first and say, God, what is it about how I respond? By the way, the things that you're most defensive about, the things that bug you the most, the things that just are your buttons—I just hate to tell you this—often those are the very things that you're in violation of with other people. Really arrogant people don't like other arrogant people. Really insensitive people are really blown away by insensitive people.
You understand what I'm saying? Often the very things that bug you about people that might be one of those little indications that I mean, in the root, down deep somewhere, behind all your defense mechanisms, all mine, maybe there's something about this relationship God wants me to learn to look inside of my heart first. And then you say, "Well, how do you know what's there?" Start listening to your speech. My speech will reveal my heart. The tone of my words are they positive?
Are they negative? Are they words that give life, or are they words that put down? Are they words that frame things? Are they words that say, "I'm the authority. I know what's best." And see, you can be really arrogant and really subtle, semi godly type ways.
But arrogance is just me being filled with me. Instead of living in humility before God and realizing God has a lot of people that He can speak through, one of the greatest signs of humility is being teachable, being willing to listen, being willing to be reproved, being willing to say, "I need to learn something," even in an area where you feel like maybe you know quite a bit.
So, only person I can change is me. The passage is Luke six thirty eight, and then here is the practice that flows right out of the passage. Ask God what He wants to change in you, rather than focusing on what needs to change in the other person, and then go to work on it by His grace. Ask God in this chronic related Titus, and you can go back to that person that you're thinking in your mind. Ask God.
Okay, I know for sure what needs to change in that person. You identified that. But then you say, "Okay, since it's a system, and the way I'm going about changing it so far, it's called chronic relateditis." I mean, if it wasn't chronic, it wouldn't be ongoing hassle, and it continually causes concerns or conflict. And so it's like, "Okay, Lord, nagging, being passive aggressive, yelling, anger outbursts, threatening—those haven't worked. I think I'll try it your way." So I think I'm going to give first to them what I really want in the relationship, and then I'm going to ask you to change me.
I'm going to ask you to show me and then change me, because once one person changes, it changes the dynamic of the relationship.
Now, by the way, this is not saying, and I'm not guaranteeing that you give away kindness to someone who's insensitive and do it three weeks. Don't come back and say, "Hey, I gave away kindness for three weeks, and it ain't working." You know what? It doesn't mean necessarily that other person will change. Although I will tell you, you will be amazed. You will be amazed that as you do that, it really happens.
The only person I can change is me. I'm powerless to change my mate, my boss, my rebellious friend, my coworker. But when I change the system, it begins to change, and then what I've learned is, is that as you do that, in a great majority of the times, God starts doing things. I mean, down to little things. I've got a little bagel shop next to where I buy coffee, and the guy is just the most negative person in the whole world.
I mean, he's just you know. I mean, if it's a sunny day, I probably get a sunburn. I mean, it doesn't matter. Hey, and I'll walk in say, "Why you pretty full today?" Yeah, full today, but we weren't yesterday. I mean, it's just negative, negative, negative, negative, negative, and and so he bugs me.
And so I, I thought, you know, I don't think I'm going to buy bagels here anymore. But he's got great bagels, so I decided not to go that route.
So I just decided, you know what? All right, you little bagel man. And I mean, I'm on the warpath, and I walk in, and I mean, it is just. I want to tell you something. What's that?
You know, you know. He's always in her. Could you wait for just one second? Yeah. You know, the last time I came in, that lady over there.
She served me with such a great attitude, and I just wanted to tell you.
Well, that's good because most of them don't do a very good job. I said, you know, that may be true, but boy, yesterday she did, and I come here because of the way she treats me. And you know what? She must have an excellent boss to learn those kind of attitudes. By the way, you know what?
You go ahead and keep the change. Great to see you. I'll see you later. And I mean, I got no response for a month, but I'm thinking I'm going to win. I'm going to win this battle.
I'm gonna win this battle. The last time I come in, you know, and every time, you know, and you know me, I'm playing this. I'm just, I'm a nut. I kind of just think, okay, I'm gonna give what I'm not getting. I'm gonna give what I'm not getting.
The last time I went in there, I bought these sandwiches, and I was kind of in a hurry, and I didn't have time to figure out how I was gonna, you know, bless this guy. And I was having my own issues that day. And and he he gives me this little card, you know, if you punch it like ten like ten times, you get a free sandwich. I mean, it's gonna take me till New Year's. And so, but.
I decided rather than be negative. I get this. I said, "Oh, I said you know something." I said, "Thank you very much," but I always lose these cards and I never use them.
So why don't you just save it and give it to someone else? And he puts it down. He goes, "What's your phone number?" I give him my phone number. He says, "Don't worry about the cards. Whenever you come in, you give me the phone number.
It goes in the computer. It'll automatically pop up. We'll give you a free sandwich." And I said, "Oh, yeah, you don't, you don't need to do that, man. It's, it's okay. I mean, you, you have the, you have the best sandwiches and best bagels.
I just like to come." He said, "We like to really treat all of our customers well. I want to say thank you to you." And I just, I mean, I walked out of there and I thought, it took a month. It took a month. And it's, it's always good to give an illustration on one of those trite kind of issues. At the heart of all this.
When someone is in a chronic related Titus situation with you, your unconscious response is to start giving evil for evil, and it says, "Don't do that. Give good for evil." And then here's the last line I'll leave you with: If possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Respect what's right in the sight of all men, if possible, and just remember it's not always possible. Those in laws may never be positive. There may be aspects of very important relationships, but you know what?
You can have. You can have peace, and right now you don't have that. As far as it's possible, you can say, "God, I'm giving. I'm giving friendship. I'm giving affection.
I'm giving a listening ear. I'm giving understanding." Lord, I'm pleasing to you, and you know this other person. They may respond. They may not respond because you're not going to overpower their will, and I sure can't change him. Principle number eight: The only person I can change is me.
So give, and it'll be given unto you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together. The practice: Ask God in this chronic relationship, how do you want to change me? And then say, Lord, I can't do it. I need Your grace.
And you just might find you'll see some real shifts occur in relationships. You're listening to Living on the Edge with a message titled "The Only Person I Can Change Is Me," and the end of our series called "Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love." This study came from Chip's own hard-earned lessons learned over more than three decades of marriage, parenting, and pastoring people through their toughest relationships.
Now, this is a series you'd like to hear again or share with someone who needs it. You can always find it at Living. LivingOnTheEdge. dot org. If you'd like more encouragement throughout the week, follow Living on the Edge on Facebook and Instagram, and be sure to subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast wherever you listen.
And as we wrap up this series on building bridges, we want to recommend a book titled Not Beyond Reach. It's built for the relationships that feel hardest to reach: the son or daughter who stopped believing, the friend who's walked away, the neighbor who's never once been open to church. Author Erin Pierce. Offers practical, field-tested guidance for reaching someone with the gospel through authenticity, confidence, and total reliance on the Holy Spirit. You can get your copy of Not Beyond Reach at a special price today at LivingOnTheEdge.org/offers.
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Well, now here's Chip Ingram. As we close today's program, let's just get on the table. There may be few things as difficult. As a chronic, difficult, or challenging relationship. In other words, it seems like no matter what you do, it doesn't get fixed.
And this person's default attitude, actions, words constantly cause conflict. I want to give you a game plan that flows out of our teaching time.
Okay, here's number one. I want to remind you. I want you to visualize in your mind and your heart the benefits. Can you? Imagine what would happen if this person's life changed.
Can Can you imagine just the the difference? Not just in your relationship, but them and the whole network, and and it may be family or work. If this person's life changed, I say that because you need to keep hope in your mind because God can change anyone. Second, this is very, very practical. I want to challenge you to write their name down, and if it's more than one, write two or three people's names down.
These are chronically difficult relationships. Then I want you to put that someplace where you see it, and you can pray for them every single day. And you're asking God specifically, God, will you bless them? Will you encourage them? Would you reveal to them all that you want to do in them?
Third, then I want you to immediately afterwards pray for yourself, Lord. Please illuminate in my heart, in my mind, anything in me that is the problem. Where am I driving them crazy? What am I doing? What am I thinking?
What am I saying? Just reveal it to me, because I want to change. Then finally. After praying, look for opportunities at least once a week for the next six weeks to demonstrate some act of kindness, some undeserved act. It might be a note, it might be a little coffee card, it might be just a word of kindness.
But you begin to get your focus off of them changing onto what He wants to do in you. Praying for them and asking God, and then if you really want to see something happen. Encourage you to journal for this six-week period. Journal the progress.
Now, this sounds like a lot, but think of this: What would happen if they really changed? Why not take this challenge and really say, "Lord, I'm going to do, as far as it depends on me, everything I can." And then, when you've done that, you can know, you know what, Lord, I can't make this relationship work, but before you, I've done everything you've called me to do. Then you can be at peace.
Next time, Chip begins a series called "Building Authentic Community," all about the power of encouragement and why it might be the most underused gift in the Body of Christ. Don't miss the next edition of Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.
