Today I'm Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Would you like to reduce conflict in your relationships? I mean, fewer disagreements, less fighting, more harmony?
Well today I'm going to share a principle that I learned many years ago. That has saved countless friendships and working relationships and been pretty important in my marriage over the years. Stay with me, you don't want to miss it. I'm Dave Druy, and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today, Chip shares one of the hardest lessons he's ever had to learn in his own marriage and friendships, that winning an argument almost always costs you something far more valuable than being right.
as we continue our series called Caring Enough to Connect. shows us how to let go of our need to be right. without ever compromising what's true. Remember, if you ever need to revisit this program at another time, just go to livingontheedge.org.
Well now here's Chip with today's message titled, Right Relationships Are Always More Important Than Being Right. I had this habit. And this is a habit of observing people. When I go to the mall, I observe people. When I go to the park, I observe people.
Last night when Theresa and I were walking in the park and the gal with her cell phone who's talking loud enough for everyone in the park to know, You know, Teresa just blocks it out and talks to me and walks, and I'm listening to this lady's conversation. Why I do this, I don't know, but I have this habit of just Observing people. And they're usually talking about how unfair, how insensitive, how selfish, how ungrateful, or how wrong someone else somewhere has been to them. And you just hear Conversations like this go on. And on.
And on. And my experience is that sometimes when I'm listening to people whine and complain about someone else who's not in the room. What really bothers me is when I find that the person I'm listening to is me. And I can look back over the last 30 years or so as a Christian, and being a dad, and being a pastor, and being a husband. That I on multiple occasions have found myself someone telling someone very close to me, like my wife.
or one of my kids. Or a close friend about how right I am in a situation. When you listen carefully to the conversations, what it really is about is someone is right and someone else is wrong. They didn't get it, they didn't see it, they didn't understand it, they were insensitive. I was right.
I did what was right. And I remember early as a dad and being a little, you know, over the top, which none of you can probably imagine at this, but my kids all can, is things like, you know, you had a really rough day and there's been a lot of pressure and you say, I will pick you up in front of the high school at door B at 4.30. And you pull up in front of the high school in door B at 4.30 and they are not there. And then it's 4.35 and then it's 4.40 and then it's a quarter to 5. Then you get out of your car and you walk around and there aren't cell phones in those days and people don't call them and my kids didn't have them anyway.
And then pretty soon it's 5 o'clock and you were supposed to be someplace else and you're going to miss dinner and there's a meeting after the dinner and you see your kid and he comes around the corner. And you know, what what do you say? Hi, I've missed you. Tell me how your day went, honey. What do you say?
Where in the heck have you been? I've been in door.
Well, no, that's not door B, Dad. This is door. I'll tell you where door B is. I'm the parent. Get in the car.
And you know, well, Dad, we were in Door B and then we went to call to find you, and you didn't show up. You weren't here at 4:30. I was here right at 4:30 at 4:36. It's about 4:30 in my mind. Anyway, and you know, well, we went to call you and.
It's all about whether you were at door B or door A and whether it was 430 or 436. And there are emotions that occur in a breakdown in relationship. That when you step back, you look at it and go, You know, this is insanity. But at the heart of it was all about being right. My principle for you all: that I guess if I had to.
get it down to seven or eight of the biggest lessons I've learned about relationships. Number seven for me is this. is that right relationships are always more important than being right. Right relationships are always more important than being right. And my little disclaimer here, I'm not talking about Moral issues.
I'm not talking about theological issues. I'm not talking about rolling over and giving the other person their way all the time. I'm not talking about saying, you know, standing up for a just cause.
Well, I want a right relationship. I'm not talking about peace at any price. I'm talking about in the normal, everyday relationships with other people that you love and that you care about. And the issues aren't whether this is theologically true or not, or whether it's morally good or bad or not. The issues are about your perspective, your circumstances, your rights, your opinion.
being the way versus the other person. Do you get that? Open, if you would, to Colossians chapter 3. There's a great context. I want to give a little running start to this one.
Colossians is a great book. It's a parallel book to Ephesians. It's about how the church is supposed to live out the faith. And the first half of this book, like Ephesians, is doctrine. This is who you are in Christ.
And then chapters 3 and 4, now this is how you live out this new life. You know, you could use this is how to be a disciple. This is how to be a genuine follower. This is how to be that Romans 12 type Christian. And in the first four verses, it'll say, it begins with your thinking.
I've just told you all these things that are true. In the first four verses, set your mind on the things that are above. Not on the things that are on earth. And then it says you've got to deal radically with some of your past habits and issues. As you look at verse 5, it says, therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, greed, which amounts to idolatry.
And that little word consider there really is put to death. And it's in a tense in the grammar that means urgently put to death, deal radically with. And I wish I had time to develop all these words, but when you look at sexual immorality is that word, but impurity, passion, evil, desire, even the word greed is not just financial. It's the idea of doing everything around your own self-interest, about your rights and your position, and making sure that your way gets the way. And what he's saying is, is that's how you lived before you knew Christ.
And it says, you've got to put to death that stuff. And then he'll go on and say that, you know, don't lie to one another anymore. And then he'll talk about this renewing that has occurred out of the new birth and this renewal of a new knowledge and this new person you are in Christ. And then he gets on the solution side by verse 12. And in verse 12 then he says, so then.
In light of this brand new person who you are, in light of this new position that you have, in light of this radical steps you've taken by God's grace to put to death those old patterns that ruined relationship and separated you from God and bring God's wrath, as a new born-again person with a new mind and the Spirit of God living in you, so then, here's how to do relationships. He says, as those who have been chosen of God, Holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. That's pretty broad, isn't it? Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
And beyond all these things that I've listed, Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And then he's going to go on to talk about some specific internal devices that God has given us about how to regulate how relationships are going, about the peace in our life. But what I'd like to do is take just a moment and have you circle the first three words. I think these are the key. To practicing the principle that right relationships are more important than being right.
So, as those who've been circled the word chosen, Circle the word holy. and circle the word beloved. If you miss those, you can't do those commands. See, at the heart of it, whether it's with my wife, my kids, a fellow employee, a little league game, a pickup basketball game, an issue over a parking spot at the mall, an argument with someone in a business deal, When I start to fight and when you start to fight and relationships break down, usually my significance, my acceptance, or my security gets attacked. And either I feel like you're dissing me, or I think it's unfair, or I think I'm getting a raw deal, or you don't respect me, or what you're doing is something that's going to really injure me, and so I have to stand up for my rights.
And isn't it interesting, he says, so as those who have been Chosen of God. How much more significant could you be? See, we don't do relationships out of I need to be significant in someone else's eyes. We do relationships out of this sense that, you know, all the people, God chose me. God chose you.
He loves you. If there were ball teams lined up, he would say, he would point to you and say, I want you on my team. And so you are significant. That's not something we've got to get out there and prove. The second, notice: chosen of God and holy.
You know, what makes us... Unacceptable is our imperfections. But he's already told us that because of what Christ did on the cross and his blood shed for us, and our being united. With Him by faith. We died with Him, we've been raised with Him, and our position before God is He sees us, even as He sees Jesus.
We're holy, we're set apart. What's that mean?
Well It means you're accepted. It means there aren't flaws. It means that in God's eyes at this moment, you're seated with Him in the heavenly places. You matter, you're significant, you're holy, you're accepted.
Now, do you have to live that out in practice? And is that a journey? Of course. But your position in Christ, you're holy. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Just a quick reminder before we get back to today's message. Did you know you can take Chip's teaching with you everywhere you go? The Chip Ingram app puts hundreds of messages, reading plans, and daily encouragement right in your pocket, anytime you need it. It's free to download wherever you get your apps. And for even more resources, visit us online at livingonthege.org.
Now back to today's lesson. And then notice, I like this, it says beloved, or the idea is you're dearly loved. You're accepted. Do I want everyone to accept me? Of course, and so do you.
But what happens is when a roommate or a wife or a business associate Or someone on a little league field, or someone in line, or a parking space when someone cuts in front of you. All those things threaten our security. and that I am more important. And what's being violated is personal rights. And what the Apostle Paul is saying is, you know what, right relationships really do matter more.
than being right. But the only way you can live that way is if you know you're chosen by God. You are holy and you're dearly loved.
Now out of What you've already received.
Now he's going to talk very specifically about how do you treat people. He says, put on a heart of compassion. That's that interesting word where you actually feel what other people feel to the point of action. The word is splokna. It was used every time Jesus had compassion in the New Testament.
It was a feeling depth in the bowels of a person for the needs of the other person that leads you to action. Compassion is not empathy. Empathy is you see someone, you go, man, I really feel bad for them. Compassion is I feel bad to the point that I'm going to do something to alleviate that situation. And so notice where he says, put on a heart.
If you read this passage carefully, 12 through 17, the word heart is repeated three times. This isn't just about some external discipline of behavior that you work up to act compassionately. This is about something that comes out of who you are because the Spirit of God is producing this in you. And so put on compassion. I mean, so you feel, you think, I wonder what that guy went through.
I wonder why someone would be that upset over a game with five or eight or ten-year-old kids. I wonder why, you know, my kids are so upset about this or why I am. Put on a heart of compassion. Kindness is just that word for something that's beautiful and winsome. You want to do nice things for people.
You know, kind of unexplainable. You know, you just come back to the office and you bring an extra cup of coffee and you give it to someone and you jot a note for no reason that says, thinking of you, love you, prayed for you today. You put a check in the mail to someone or some cash in an envelope for someone that's struggling. You say, you know what, it's been hard. Why don't you take your wife or your roommate or whoever out to dinner?
I just want to bless you. That's what kindness is. Kindness is just doing kind of nice things for people to express concern. Humility is putting the needs of others ahead of yourself. By the way, that was not a virtue in the ancient world.
When this was written, Humility wasn't looked like as a good thing. This was like humility. Why would anyone do it? It was the idea. I'm bigger, I'm batter, I can knock you down.
That's what you ought to do. And here you have this. Teaching That actually revolutionized the world that said, consider others as more important than yourself. Don't ask do I'm getting my rights. Ask, how could I put the needs of someone else ahead of me?
This is a radical way to do relationships. And then the word gentleness here is that same word in the Old King James. Remember, I memorize this in the Old King James in Matthew 11, where Jesus says, For I'm meek and lowly of heart. That word meek is gentle. In the ancient Greek literature, it was used of a wild stallion.
Meek is not weak. It's a wild stallion that has been trained with a bit in its mouth that takes that power under control. And so it's not that you don't have the power. to exert your rights. It's not that you can't power up on someone and say to them, hey, hey, that's my parking spot and that's the way it is.
It's that you say to yourself, I have the power and I have the rights and you know, I even have the position in this situation or in this company or in this work. But you know what? I'm going to step back and I don't have to exert my rights here. I'm going to put on a heart of compassion and kindness. I'm going to put their needs ahead of my own.
And in this certain situation, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to. allow my rights to be under control to meet the need of someone else. I'm going to be considerate. The next word there, he says, patience is just that it's a combination of macro, long, and something that heats up.
And it's the idea of just putting up with junk. It's just you have a, you know, the word picture for me, not that the word means this, but the word picture for me is that you just have a really long fuse. That's what patience is. You know that you know what, that person irritates me. And without patience, they irritate you once, and you say, hmm, I'm going to let that go.
Irritate you twice, you do that again, you know. Patience is You know what? Long suffering. And in case you didn't understand what he really meant and how specific he wanted to be, after the word patience, he says, bearing with one another. And this is actually the faults and idiosyncrasies of people.
This is saying, you know what, the way they chew their gum in my ear every time we're talking, it makes me cringe. Every time when they take their silver and they do it like this at the table, right before they cut their meat, I just want to take a knife and throw it across the room. Every time they make the same lame excuse, this is looking at the idiosyncrasies of people. that make you crazy, and it says bearing up with them. You put up with it.
And then it goes beyond that and says forgiving each other whoever has a complaint against anyone. How would you like to work at a place or how would you like to be in a family where there was a commitment by supernatural power that people said, you know what, I'm going to put on a heart of compassion. Kindness, humility. Gentleness and patience. And I'm going to bear up because the fact of the matter is, all those people have those idiosyncrasies that make you crazy.
Can I let you know a secret? You have those little idiosyncrasies that make them crazy, right? And then, and notice honestly, then, it's not just that you keep them under wraps. He says, forgiving them. The word means to release.
means to let go. You forgive them. You don't, you know, at the heart of a lack of forgiveness is vengeance or payback. The heart motive behind not forgiving another person is they did this to me. You know what?
They took the credit for that project at work. They put their kid in the lineup ahead of mine, and my kid's batting 666, and his kid has not gotten a hit all year. And I want to pay them back. And so I'm going to say things, you know, very discreetly because Christians have to be discreet when we try and really mess up other people. And I'm going to.
But forgiving is you release. And you forgive them. Notice the motivation. just as God has forgiven you. I think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in the Christian life.
I could be wrong. I mean, when you've really been wounded, when it really is selfish, when it really is unjust, when someone has really done something bad to you. And what do you want? You want what I want. I want justice.
I mean, I don't think anything makes me more unfair. I mean, I want justice for my kids. I want justice for my wife. I want justice for Christians. I want justice for what's right.
And I want justice for me. Except for when it comes to how I want God to deal with me. Right? I mean, she walked out on her husband. He walked out.
He's not paying his alimony. That's an ungrateful kid. You know, they took credit for that. They used our idea and then they copyrighted it before we could. That is, we're going to sue their pants off.
We're going to justice, justice, justice. And yet the fact of the matter is, the command is. God wants me relationally to extend to others What has been extended to me? And I will tell you that the older I get. The more I see what's in my heart.
The more I get so overwhelmed, God, I don't want justice, please. God, if you give me justice, oh my. You know, I I see things in my heart and I, you know, even I can look back and think, you know, maybe 20 years ago I thought my motives were right before looking back now, man, that was, you were just one arrogant idiot. And boy, I don't want God to deal with me that way. And it has been the most profound motivation in my life to say, Lord, I am willing to let go of my vengeance and lack of forgiveness and extend mercy because I certainly do not want you to treat me.
The way. that I want them to be treated. And notice here, it's just whoever has a complaint against anyone. And then if that's not enough, I don't know about you, but those are pretty strong words to justify the principle that right relationships are more important than being right. And I will say, you have grown up in a world, by the way.
American culture. Your rights are what matter. You have a right to that. You deserve a break today. That's your place in line.
Don't let anybody, I mean you have been brainwashed to believe that you are so the center of the universe that you better defend your rights. And so our knee-jerk reaction to almost any relational conflict. is to exert our personal rights. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled: Right Relationships Are Always More Important Than Being Right. Chip will continue the lesson next time, but if you've missed any part of today's program, be sure to catch up when you can online at livingonthege.org.
And if you learn better by watching, check out the Living on the Edge YouTube channel. Every week you can watch Chip teach on video, on your own schedule, covering marriage, parenting, leadership, and more. Just search Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram on YouTube and hit subscribe.
Well, if today's principle is hardest to live out anywhere, it's with the people you disagree with most on politics, faith, or the hot-button issues of the day. Not Beyond Reach, the book by Aaron Pierce, devotes a whole chapter to exactly that: navigating politics, sexuality, science, and other divisive subjects with grace, without backing off the truth. It's an incredibly practical and spiritually sound resource. And you can get a copy of Not Beyond Reach at a special price today at livingonthege.org slash offers. And if you give regularly to support Living on the Edge, thank you.
It's because of you that messages like today's are reaching people right when they need it. If you're listening today and you've never given to this ministry before, well, now's a great time to start. We've made it quick and easy to partner with us by going online to livingonthege.org or give us a call at 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to LivingOnTheEdge, PO Box 3007, Suwannee, Georgia, 30024.
Well, now here's Chip. As we close today's program, I have to admit this principle has been one of the hardest for me. We all have different personalities, but some of us have what I call a justice gene. In other words, what's fair, what's right, the facts, right? And when I'm right and these are my rights, I mean, I'm the guy that, if I'm in the car and you go up the right lane, you know, outside of everyone, and then you want to get in, and I've waited in line, I'm not a happy camper.
I mean, everything in me is like, hey, look, buddy, and instead of thinking of the best possible explanation. Or honestly, it happens more in my marriage. And Therese and I will be talking about something, and she'll say, Oh, yeah, remember in July when this happened? I'm thinking, no, no, it wasn't July, it was June, you know, and it happened at this city, and I'm thinking, no, no, no, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't in, it wasn't in July, and it wasn't in that city. And so I'll say something like, well, honey, it was actually in June, it was with these people instead of those people.
And then I'm hoping you're laughing at this point. And we're now going back and forth. Honey, it was July. It was June, it was June, it was July. It was with Bob.
No, it was with Mary. And all of a sudden, you have these emotions. And I'm sitting here thinking, Chip. You idiot Who cares? The right relationship is way more important than being right.
And you know, when you learn to practice that in little things, I mean, to actually, are you ready for this?
Some of my most holy moments have been when my wife has said something, and whether I'm right or not, I'm convinced in my mind what she's saying about a detail is absolutely wrong. And instead of confronting, instead of saying, no, no, you're wrong, what about this? What about that? And wanting her to know that I remember better or whatever. My most holy moments are when I think, This really doesn't matter.
Keep your mouth shut. Just listen. And you know what? You being right or your remembrance of that situation being the official way it happened is really not very important.
Now, obviously, when it comes to maybe a doctrine or a moral issue, I'm not saying that we just stay quiet. But what. If we, right now, this moment, today, as we listen and talk with people, could just catch ourselves when we have to be right and just let that go. and think what would really make this relationship better. rather than what would make me look better.
Tell you what. Let's go into training on that one and see what God will do. Join us again next time as we continue this series Caring Enough to Connect here on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
