Today I'm Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Do you or someone you know have a problem with anger? It is one of the most difficult emotions to ever get under control. But today, I want to show you from God's Word a solution that you may have never known that I believe will give you specific strategic help to overcome your anger. See you in just a minute.
Anger isn't the problem Scripture warns us about. Unresolved anger is. There's a real difference, and most of us have never been taught where the line falls. Paul draws it clearly in Ephesians chapter 4. And today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram shows us exactly how to stay on the right side of that important line.
Now, if you have your Bible with you, open to Ephesians chapter 4 verse 25 as we join CHIP for today's message titled The Role of Spiritual Training in the Transformation Process. We're going to talk about five habits that cultivate holiness from the heart. First and foremost, here's training station number one. The bench press of spirituality is this: it's be honest. Speak the truth in love.
Paul picks up where he talked about in verse 15, where he says, Speaking the truth in love, we're to grow up into all aspects into him who is the head, even Christ. Therefore, verse 25 then, he's going to make the application, laying aside falsehood, speak the truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Spiritual training station number one is honesty. Personal integrity. This isn't just your speech, but all aspects: honesty, integrity.
How you live, what you say, but especially. You're going to put off falsehood. Your training command is to speak the truth. In love. And so God says go into training.
And so you put on truthful speech and authenticity.
Well, how do you do that? I mean, how do you make the break where that really occurs? Training apparatus here literally is practice confession. And the practice is every time you lie by thought, word, or deed, if it doesn't hurt another person, own it. And where appropriate, confess it.
And when you do, trust develops. Power of evil will be broken. The second training station is not the bench press, but over here, you know, if you go to the gym, they always say, Okay, we're gonna work on your, you know, like your buys and tries, and here we go now, we're gonna do some curls here. This is emotional control. If there's any area in the world...
that destroys our relationship with ourself, with God, and others. It's anger. Deal with anger appropriately. Verse 26 and 27, it says, Be angry. That's a command.
Yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Well, why? And do not give, or lest you give, the devil an opportunity, or literally, it's a foothold, or a crack, or an opportunity in your spirit and in your life. Our spiritual training session. Number two is the goal, emotional control. In other words, we all deal with anger.
How do we learn to go into training to appropriately deal with our anger? Our training command is to be angry. and yet do not sin. By the way, anger is a healthy, positive emotion to motivate for life change. Jesus was angry with those in the temple because of the evil and the injustice and the graft.
He was angry at the Pharisees because of their hypocrisy. And he wasn't Jesus meek and mild when he said, You brood of vipers, you snakes, you whitewashed tombs. And his disciples turned and said, Jesus, are you aware that you're making them very upset? You're to be angry.
Well, when we're supposed to be angry, we're often not, we're passive. And when we're inappropriately angry, the second word for anger here means to be irritations, exasperation, bitterness, resentment. This is the unhealthy anger. This is the kind of anger that you have when you don't get your way or people cut you off in traffic and you start down this process in your mind. This kind of anger when you have X amount of dollars and the stock market does that and you just start getting bent out of shape and you're mad and angry and exasperated and resentful.
And it begins to eat at your soul. We uh all have anger issues, but most of us think Only people that blow up have anger issues. Anger is expressed in three primary ways.
Some people are, I call, spewers. They explode. We've all been around people that have exploded. It creates distance. We're afraid of them.
We withdraw. We don't have trust. A second way that people express anger, some of you learned, even from some of our churches, unfortunately, that all anger is wrong and all anger is bad.
So, whenever you had angry feelings about something that was Unjust or wrong, like how come my brother or sister is being treated like this, and I'm being treated like this?
Well, that's anger. What you learned is you don't say that, you stuff it, you stuff it, you stuff it. And then there's other people that they're called leakers, passive-aggressive.
So if you know this person wants everything done neatly and on time, even unconsciously, you do it in a sloppy way. And there's just something satisfying about watching them get all frustrated. See, everyone in this room We deal with anger. And so in my case, Therese and I had no idea how to do this.
So when I was angry, you know, I want to verbalize, I'm going to talk until we get it done. She came from, she withdrew. And so I would put my hands behind my head as we're ready to go to sleep. And I bounce on the bed like this. This means, Teresa, you still have time to apologize.
The day's not over. And what I would hear from her is Yeah. Which is, I completely withdraw and don't like conflict because I learned that early on. Unfortunately, most Christians have conflict in your marriage, conflict with one of your kids, conflict at work, conflict in the church, a problem in a small group. We don't understand.
When unresolved anger isn't addressed, you give demonic powers that specialize in lying a foothold in your heart and in your spirit, and it will destroy your relationships. The great majority of divorces aren't because some big thing happened. Here's what happens: your heart gets hard because you were hurt. And most of us, then, after what Teresa and I did is after two days, we pretended it didn't happen and we just acted like everything was okay. But a scar occurred.
And it was sort of okay. And then another scar occurred. And then finally, after about two years, what you do is you start looking through this lens and you look at your mate through every time they do this or that, you look at them through this unresolved anger and bitterness, and you begin to connect dots that really aren't there. She doesn't really care, she's insensitive, she doesn't respond.
Well, he's like this. And then this is what happens. And so, again, I'm in the midst of this, and I'm in seminary, and I'm realizing: okay, first of all, I'm a liar, and I'm supposed to tell people about the truth. That's not good. And so God brings this into my life.
And now I'm supposed to help people. I'm in a pastoral Counseling class of helping people, and I learn about anger and how it actually works. And I realize we don't know how we have no idea how to resolve it. It's impacting every area of our relationship.
So I go to the professor and I ask for help. And the long story is, he says, You know, I have a brother. Who's a retired person? He had a heart attack. He's a retired senior pastor, really knows the Bible.
He's one of our best counselors. And you have very predictable problems from the kind of families you come. You have no business saying anything to anyone until you get these resolved. And so we'll give you a special student rate of $85 to $95. And you can see my brother for about 12 sessions, and this is not rocket science, you can resolve this.
Yeah.
So I'm making $1,000 a month. with three kids. going to school full time, working full time. I'm going to tell you that $90 a week for 12 weeks It was the best investment I ever made. And we learned how to go into training to deal with our anger and how to express it appropriately.
And what I want to do now is I want to give you that tool. Two tools. The training apparatus is I feel messages. I feel. Messages.
When Teresa would shut down and I would talk or get very, very angry, what we learned is we couldn't. We couldn't communicate. And then it shut down. everything in our life. And so this feels a little unfair to me, but I'm going to try and deal appropriately with my anger.
Because at a time when I didn't have any money at all, I paid $90 a session to give to you right now for free. Which doesn't seem fair. But what uh What we learned we put on a 3x5 card. And instead of You ought, you should, you always, you never. Those are angry words when couples or roommates or friends are fighting.
You ought, you should are how. Dads talk to their daughters, or how mothers talk to their sons. Those words are disallowed in a marriage relationship. You ought you should or you always you never well no one always or never does anything See, those are labeling things.
So, what you do is you attack each other. You need a tool.
so that you can attack the issue. And so what I learned in my counseling was to make I feel blank when you blank. We put it on a card, it was on the refrigerator. I'll put it in my Bible. And so I had to learn, I feel hurt.
When you give more attention to the kids than me, I feel disappointed when I spend this time making supper and you're always a half hour to 40 minutes late. I feel like you don't love me and you don't care. I feel disappointed when. I feel angry when you You get it? See what it does is it takes those issues And They come from your heart.
and you identify how you feel instead of attacking the other person. We'll continue in a moment here on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. While you're with us, if you've never checked out the Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram YouTube channel, you're missing a whole other side of this ministry. It's full of teaching series you won't see anywhere else. Things like BIO, three essential practices to becoming like Jesus, and the I Choose Joy series, just to name a few.
It's a great way to go deeper with Chip's teaching or to send a friend something to watch. Just search Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram on YouTube and take a look around.
Well now here's Chip. We were learning how to do this. And uh I perpetually felt like my life was overwhelmed and I would always seem like if she made a special dinner I would come home late. And I learned over time, we always argued about this. And part of it is the differences when you get married, like when you are dating, I was adventuresome and spontaneous and exciting.
And when we got married, I became irresponsible. When I was dating her, she was consistent, godly, follow-through, structured. After we got married, Man, she was rigid, unbending, no flexibility. And so you start focusing on those things. And so, you know, she really wanted dinner at a certain time, and I would just blow through it, lose track of time.
But I did it over and over and over and over and over. And so eventually I learned when I'm really late, come in and be angry, pick on her early, because a best, a good offense is better than a good defense. And so I'd find something about her and attack her early on when I walked in. You guys are smiling.
Some of you guys have known this tactic, right?
Okay, and so then we would argue, and I'd feel justified. And you know, here's what's happening, by the way, in our relationship. And so I come in and I'm ready to get mad at her because in the counseling, obviously, two or three sessions is not helping too much because I'm not obeying it yet. And so I walk in, and you know, everyone's already eaten an hour ago. There's two candles lit, the food is on the plate, and she's seated, and I'm kind of waiting for her.
Okay. C come on. And she was calm. She goes, here's your dinner. I mean, I'm I'm just I'm waiting for the attack.
And she kind of lets me get a few bites. And then she looks at me very calmly and her eyes are watery. She said, Chip, I feel. Like you don't love me. When I spend the better portion of a day preparing something for you to express my love, and you disregard it and just come home an hour late.
This was my gift for you. I feel... Like you don't love me. I'd never made the connection. To me, it was a power issue.
That statement began, I just thought, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. I may fight with you, but I love you. If me being home on time says, I don't love you, I can change that. And I mean literally very few times ever after That message. Can I encourage you to begin to use I-feel messages?
Can I encourage you to write it on a card? Put it on the refrigerator, and here's what I can tell you: you have anger issues, and some of you stuff, and some of you spew, and some of you, the reason you have an addiction is that's how you deal with your anger. The reason you eat is because of your anger. The reason you watch so much TV and play video games is because of your anger. The reason you stay at work is because of your anger.
You have a habit, and the cue is you feel unrest, and difficulty, and pain. You've developed some routine negative thing. That gives you the reward of feeling better. Oh, I feel better. I ate for a while.
I watched this movie. I went on Netflix. I surfed on this. I did that. I went out and helped these other people because I didn't deal with my own stuff.
Those patterns are rampant in this room. And God says, go into training. Go into training. You go into training and say, you know something? I'm going to be honest.
And then what I'm going to do, when I'm angry, I'm going to identify I'm angry. And it's going to be hard, and I'm going to give an I feel message. I feel hurt when you. I feel disappointed. I feel used.
I feel angry. And you begin to address those issues. I feel angry when we make a budget and you spend money that we don't have. I feel hurt. when the attention is given to the kids, and I realize we haven't made love in three weeks.
And it doesn't even seem to register. The other To an anchor is make direct requests. Part of our anger is always around expectation. Expectations are that we think our mates think the way we think, or our friends think the way we think, and they can read our mind. And so it's like, I'm going to be over here, and I've asked you to meet me, and I'm doing A, B, C, and D.
Of course, you're going to do at least A and B, right? And they don't. And they were angry. And then you say, well. Did you ask him to do that?
No. You just expected it to happen. And so you make direct Requests so much of our anger is, I mean, even at work. You know, you're working with someone and you're doing this part of the job and they're doing that part of the job, and you just expect that, well, if I'm doing this, surely you're going to do that, but you don't ask them to do that. And then they don't do it, and then what?
You're ticked off. And then you're ticked off, and you don't say it to them, you stuff it down, or it comes out in a meeting three weeks later. You would be shocked at what happens. And again, it takes courage and grace where you start making direct requests. And so like back to our marriage world.
You make a direct request. You're a stay-at-home mom. You might say Honey, I'm glad. And I understand you've had a hard day. There's been a lot going on, but when you walk in the door I want you to give me the first five minutes of your day, and then rather than ESPN or the Wall Street Journal, I need you to play with the kids.
for a half hour to give me a break. Direct request. Would you do that? Because, how long has that been making you angry? Or you're a man and you say to yourself, I've been on the road four days.
We have soccer, softball, basketball. Our weekends are blurred. We're this committee, we went to church. And you know what? We've not been together physically or had a romantic evening for...
Believe it or not, ladies, guys, count the days. 21 days, 7 days, 16 days. And you say, Direct request, I'd like to set aside one evening a week. where we put the kids to bed early and we have a romantic time of really talking and enjoying one another. And the guys are going, I've always loved the body language.
Well, that's not very romantic or spontaneous like all the movies.
Well, how's your way working for you? I mean, and you know what? Most women knowing, okay, that's the request, they mentally think, okay, that really matters to him. But here's the thing: we don't talk to each other that way. And if you don't give I feel messages, and if you don't make direct requests, you know what you do?
You will stuff, you'll explode, or you have these habits. When you ought to be talking to God or talking to someone you love or doing something that's profitable, you're on Facebook. Or you're watching meaningless stuff or eating food that you don't need. And in Christian circles, we kind of create all these kind of different ways that they're, quote, not really sinful.
Well, they're not sinful and they're overtly. Violating some scripture, but they're sinful in that you're not being honest with yourself, you're not being honest with God, you're not being honest with others, and you're not honest about being angry. and yet dealing with it appropriately. Can you see what would happen in your life? If you said, okay, what's the area that I'm really frustrated in?
What's the area? You get real with God. You don't have to tell anybody else right now. And you would say, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. I can't change.
And you said, okay, what's the feeling I have? What's the thing that I can't change? And there's a reward. There's some reward you're getting out of what you're doing. It's usually temporary, short-term ease, long-term pain and consequences.
And he said, Okay, for the next 90 days. I don't know how it'll impact it. I'm going to be honest. Little things, big things with myself, with God. Anytime I represent myself with another person, in speech or action that is not true.
I'm gonna go to them as long as it doesn't hurt them, and I'm gonna confess it. You do that two or three times this week, I tell you, you'll be more honest than you've been a long time. Because it's painful and ugly. And here's the deal: it's like when I had to go to marriage counseling. I still remember sitting in that room thinking, I hope no one sees me.
But why? Because I'm proud. The reason I don't want to confess My pride. The reason I don't want to apologize, my pride. When you go into training on these things, God gets to the very core of the core so that the life of Christ can be formed in you.
Question number three on your notes, you'll notice here it talks about: so, what specific area? In terms of anger against others, yourself has been an issue in your life. Application, write on a card and start using iFeel messages. Are you willing to go into training? I mean, here's the deal: we've been talking about transformation.
The series is going to come, the series is going to go, and you can either begin to do some of these baby steps of training, you do this 90 days with me, I will tell you. Things will happen in you that you never dreamed. Trying hard, no matter how sincere, certainly won't break the power of certain ingrained, habitual, besetting sins. You have to go into training. You have to go into training.
It's like the person I knew 42 years old had never run in their life. had a friend and said, you know, I'm going to run a marathon. Sh she couldn't walk three miles. She changed when she went to bed. She changed her diet.
She walked three or four miles. Three months later, she jogged 10. Six months later, 26.2 without stopping. Everything she Needed. was already in her.
She went into training so that God could do in and through her what he'd already deposited physically. I want you to know everything you need to become the Christ-like mother, father, student, brother, sister, worker. Is already in you because the Spirit is in you. And he'll use his word. and his people as you go into training.
And 90 days from now, you will see a significant difference. My question is. Are you willing to be honest and ruthless enough to spot what's the one area I want to do? and go into training. You're listening to Living on the Edge and a message titled The Role of Spiritual Training in the Transformation Process.
We're in a series called Free at Last, and if you want to find more from this study, just go online to livingonthege.org. Another great way to listen throughout the week, no matter what your schedule looks like, is by subscribing to the Living on the Edge podcast. For Chip's complete sermons, unedited and in full, look for the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, available wherever you listen. And right now we have a resource we'd like to send you. Chip's book, Yes You Really Can Change, is the practical companion to help you keep training right alongside Chip's teaching.
It's a clear, biblically grounded look at what spiritual transformation actually requires, where the power to change really comes from, and what it looks like when it finally takes hold. And right now we're including a second copy with every order so you can work through it alongside someone in your life who's ready for a breakthrough. Just look for Chip's book, Yes, You Really Can Change, online at livingonthege.org/slash offers.
Somebody somewhere is going to hear a message like this one at exactly the moment they need it. And that only happens because of listeners who step up and give. If you've been blessed by this ministry, would you help make sure it keeps reaching people? Give today at livingonthege.org or call triple eight three three three six zero zero three you can also mail your gift to Living on the Edge PO Box 3007 Sewanee Georgia 30024 Well now here's Chip with a final word. As we close today's program, I want to stop for a moment because this is one that's like taking a needle into a raw nerve when you start to tell people, be angry, but don't sin.
If you are struggling with anger, or if you know someone who's struggling with anger, what I talked about, the I feel message, is a powerful tool. But there's a whole process you need to go through because this is one that, when you start talking about anger, it is the tip of the iceberg. What's underneath of it? What God wants to do in your heart and in your life when you begin to discover, you know, I'm bitter, I'm angry, I'm resentful.
Well, what I discovered when I was teaching through the Bible, James chapter 1, and this passage on Ephesians, I realized what a big issue this was. I eventually taught an entire series called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. But if anger is an issue, That you're thinking to yourself, you know, I have the shame that goes with that, I've got the guilt that goes with that, or my husband blows up, or I don't know how to respond to my boss. This is a resource that people have told me over and over and over again. Literally, some have said, that saved my life.
I mean, that turned my life around. If we could be of help, let us know. We would love to get that into your hands to help you. Be angry, but not sin. To follow up on Chip's Invite, just go to livingontheedge.org/slash series and look for the study called Overcoming Emotions That Destroy.
I'm Dave Druy, and we'll see you next time for more Bible teaching from Chip Ingram here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
