Today I'm Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Important Marriage Question. How do you handle conflict in your relationship? In my experience, there's turtles and sharks. Sharks attack when there's conflict.
Turtles put their head inside their shell. Neither of those approaches work well. Let me give you a third one, a biblical one today, about how to resolve conflict in your marriage. Stay with us. Welcome to Living on the Edge.
I'm Dave Druy. And today Chip Ingram continues our series called Choosing Love with a message that could revolutionize your marriage. From Colossians chapter 3, Chip reveals God's surprising command: treat your mate the way Christ treats you. That changes everything. You'll discover a practical step-by-step process spelled out in the acronym Diffuse, a biblical game plan for resolving conflict without attacking or avoiding.
If tension has been building in your relationship, this message offers the way forward.
Well now here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, Resolving Conflict Peaceably. Our text is Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 through 17.
So As those have been chosen. by God holy And beloved, that's who we are. We're putting on a heart of compassion. Kindness. Humility?
gentleness and patience, bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. Forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And Beyond all these things, put on love. which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which you've been called into one body.
and be thankful. The command is, here's the command, it's real simple. We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us.
Okay, that's the issue. But I mean if if you if you get nothing else What would that look like if you would say There's a conflict, there's a disagreement, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm resentful. Why did she do that again? I can't believe he did that. We've talked about it a hundred times, and when you come together, your one goal is: I want to treat him, or I want to treat her the way Christ treats me.
Doesn't mean you're not going to have conflict, but I'll guarantee... If you bear with one another, If you forgive one another. If you, beyond all these things, put on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently. Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give you this picture before I walk through a little acronym that's helped me. Jim Burns is a good friend, and he's a marriage and family therapist and speaker.
Well, here's the acronym. The D is for define the problem on your own. Proverbs 15, 4 says, The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. The I is for initiate a time to talk. and then focus on the perceived problem.
The second F is for feel their pain. as though it were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says, A friend loves at all times. and a brother. or a spouse.
was born for adversity. One of the Tools, if you will, is using a word picture or a metaphor.
Sometimes, I remember when Nathan, I don't know how much you all know the Bible, I didn't grow up reading the Bible, but David was this really great king, and he commits adultery with this guy's wife, and then she gets pregnant, and the story is pretty quick.
So he wants to cover it up, so he has her husband come back off the battlefield, gets him drunk, and sends him home to sleep with his wife.
So when the baby comes, he thinks it's his. And he's so honorable, he says, man, I'm not sleeping with my wife with all the other men are out in the battlefield. He tries to, you know, get it going two or three different days. It doesn't work. And so he sends him back with a note, put the guy on the front lines, make sure he gets killed.
not exactly a godly king moment.
So it's about a year. Um And the not quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes. And that's a culture where you confront the king. Light. Death is a very high probability.
And so sometimes the way to help someone understand something where you know they're going to be defensive is by a story or a metaphor. And so Nathan comes and he goes, oh, King, I have to tell you this great story, and it's so sad. And well, what is it? And he goes, it's happening in your kingdom of all places.
Well, what is it? He goes, there's a man, he has hundreds and hundreds of sheep, and he's very wealthy. And a visitor came, and hospitality was sort of a given. You had to feed someone if they stopped in. And he said, this man, instead of his sheep, there was one man.
He had one tiny little lamb. And it was not just a little lamb, but it slept with him. And it was like his pet, and it was his friend. And this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds of sheep, he took that man's lamb and he butchered it for his guests. And David was livid.
This this man shall pay for it and then Nathan says Behold You're the man. And see what he helped him see was The same thing in a different place. And so I won't go into the whole story, but it was another area where my work was consuming me and I was neglecting things in our home. And I can still remember sitting in front of the fireplace. And my wife told me the story.
And she goes, I want to talk about something, but you'll get defensive. No, no, I won't. No, you will. You'll get really defensive. I mean, I'm not supposed to say always, but you often do, okay?
No, I promise I won't be defensive right now.
So she's really setting me up. And then she, you know, she asked me these questions like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by the church, I just noticed you commented on the grass and you commented, wow, that meat's painted over there and, you know, the remodeling in the back. And you just seem to notice everything. She goes, boy, it's really amazing to me. I just think you're such a good boss.
Okay. Better. I think you're right. You know, and you know, you're down to the detail and. And then, um She said, Chip, did you know that um Our dishwasher, when I run it, I put a towel under it because it's been broken for months.
And um so it leaks. and that in the boys' window and in Annie's window, when it rains, the water comes in because we have a leak, so I put towels there. And I don't know if you've noticed, but when you walk by our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg, there's a spring that's sticking out. And um You know, the I don't I don't think you really noticed, but You know, we we did have a dog for a while and the other things and there's Like the carpet is soiled everywhere. Um I was I was just I feel like That you see what really needs to be taken care of at work.
But You don't see what needs to be taken care of here. And I know it's not true. But it feels like Your work matters more. than our home. and you're in charge of your work.
And I'm in charge of our home. And I know this isn't true, but it makes me feel. Like you don't care about me then. Oh my god, I'm not crazy. Man, if she keeps doing this, I'm gonna just, you know.
Two days later, I mean, I got a buddy, I got a friend. It was like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the carpets. I called another buddy. I said, man, I don't think I really have the money, but you know, we're replacing the windows, we got the windows done.
Because what happened was, it was like, oh. She's right.
Now, by the way, I'm sharing kind of more of her side of it, and I've had. A few of my iPhone messages. And I'll share a couple of those. But but are you starting to see the power? But you're starting to see that this is what it looks like to bear with one another.
This is what it looks like to forgive anyone who has a complaint against you. This is what it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus treats you. Ma'am, when you sin, you don't get hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive, very clear, very specific. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll continue in just a moment.
Today's teaching is available for listening anytime over on our website, livingontheedge.org. Whether you want to listen again or share it with someone who needs encouragement, you'll find this message and hundreds more online. Plus, discover small group resources and practical relationship tools designed to help you choose love daily. Check it all out at livingonthege.org.
Now, let's get back to Chip's message. The U is uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20 verse 5 says, The purposes in a man's heart are like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. There's deep issues. The root problems If they aren't dealt with, we'll just surface again and again and again.
And I put a little chart here, and this is much more for another day. But in general, if the symptom is money, You're arguing about money, usually the root problem has to do with values, priorities, power, and control issues.
So you can argue about money until Jesus comes. But the issue is you don't share the same values. Or there's someone that's got some control issues. Or, you know. Your priorities are really different.
You know, one of you thinks. Wow, I mean, don't the kids need new shoes? And don't we need to do this? And don't we need to do that? And someone else thinks, Gosh, don't Shouldn't we go to more movies?
Yeah, I don't I don't know. One says, you know, we need to watch every penny and keep track of it. And the other just sort of, in most marriages, there's a spender and a saver. Why we marry each other? I don't know why.
If there's sex problems. It's usually a communication issue. An unmet emotional need. A past history. Baggage.
A lot of times uh As we work through those issues with my wife, It was like Man, I just I just don't get it, but I I failed to understand what it's like to be rejected by your father and then be rejected by another man and her love me very, very much and have struggles in areas in the early years sexually because. all men were painted with his bad brush. And it was just like, you talk about rejection.
So those were my feel, I feel messages. Honey, I I feel like you. Don't love me.
Well, I want to be with you. And You're not very responsive. I just feel rejected. And you say it's not me, it's not about me.
Well I'm the only other person in the room, right? But but okay, are you ready? You know I I got news for you. There's couples that They get stuck there and that's the way it is. And she perfunctorally will have some sex because she doesn't like it.
Or, by the way, it goes the other way. Can happen just the opposite. I had a couple in our church, beautiful gal. And really, it was deep insecurity issues with him and all kinds of issues, and he struggled. Didn't have anything to do with her, but I'll tell you this, they were never going to get that solved by themselves.
In-law issues usually have to do with loyalty expectations. And children and work, usually it's roles and goals. Who owns what? What are our goals? How are we going to get there?
Those are just generalizations. Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples, they're all on the left side. My prediction, If you get married by about 25 years. You'll have every one of those at some point.
Every one of them.
So, why be embarrassed to get some help or go to a counselor? Because every single person, now, the people who don't do anything about it, what they do is they do what we call the parallel life track: live in the same home, have these deep, unresolved issues, do the best you can. While the kids are young, stay involved in the kids usually as a woman, do some things at work, and then when the empty nest is, the two most common times of divorce are first five years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest is empty. Because what you realize you don't have anything that pulls you together anymore. You didn't develop your relationship.
You didn't deal with issues. And it's never too late. It's never too late. In fact, it can be very, very exciting. The S is for set things right between you.
James 5.16 says, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man or a righteous woman, a lad, is powerful and effective. And this is where humility comes. I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel defensive, and there's this and there's that, but little by little, since you're chosen, since you're already holy and set apart, and since you're already dearly loved, you know what you can say?
You're right. Mm-hmm. I'm wrong. You ask for forgiveness and and I push this a bit. and look the person in the eye.
Will you forgive me? And don't settle for, eh, you know, yeah, it's okay, it wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no, that's not how we do this. Will you forgive me? And what you need is Yes, I will.
I release you for what you did or what you said. And then, if at all possible, pray together. And out loud, if possible. It's so healing. And then E is establish a specific action plan that addresses the issue discussed.
and write it down. I know this sounds perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How is your plan that you don't have working? Just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting, oh.
Admiral or general. I think that's a terrible plan.
Well, what's yours? The general of the universe says This is at least my best understanding from scripture. This is how. to bear with one another. This is how to forgive one another.
This is how to, whatever complaint you have, this is how to attack the problem and not the person. This is how to come together and let God be the umpire and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond all things put on love because you all coming together, getting the relationship right is 10 times more important than who's right. And so that's how you diffuse. conflict And that's a pretty step-by-step process to do it.
Yeah. And um The last part of that action plan is I, as a husband, I will do this. And I have my wife, she writes down, I will commit to this by when, and then here's the key. The next time we'll meet and talk about this is By the way, some of you just need some rhythms. And we didn't have any money most all the years growing up, but every Friday, because I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every Friday was my day off.
And every Friday I dropped the kids off, and I had a date with my wife. It was a breakfast date. And she knew that from breakfast to lunch or beyond, we were going to spend that time together. And yes, we would eat, we'd take a walk, we'd have some fun, but we had a time where she knew, even if the stuff bothered her, we're only six and a half days away from an honest, good talk. If the only time you sit down to have a good talk is when you have Junk, pretty soon it's not very fun.
And so we would have a couple, three of these 15-minute conferences where we're sharing things, and then we had one big time. And then Friday we'd have a little family night. And we just created a rhythm so the counts were short. And you know what? I told you about my dad.
Told you about it, grew up in an alcoholic home. I told you that I I married a woman from an alcoholic home. from a very dysfunctional past, And we're a blended family. and we didn't know what we were doing, and we've had lots of problems. I would like to announce that I am married to one of the most amazing people in the world.
that I have a deep, deep relationship with spiritual connection, emotional connection, and physical connection. Our kids are very, very imperfect, but very realistic. and have followed Jesus. determined to marry people that were like-minded and are in the process of raising their kids where God's the umpire. All I just want you to know is, God can take the most dysfunctional, difficult situations, and He can restore.
I mean, if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues. But I understand them. They didn't call my wife's PTSD, but it was. Trauma, trauma, trauma. She needed someone to hang uh hang in there with her.
when he didn't want to, and when he didn't understand, and when he felt helpless. but just to be available. And I needed To know that when I made that commitment to Jesus, he said he would give me whatever I needed to give her whatever she needed for as long. until death do his part. And one of the things that happens when you say, till death do his part and really mean it.
then you you know there's option a And option A. And option A is How in the world are we going to figure this out? Because we are not going to give up. We were in desperate need. But God said, draw near to me, I'll draw near to you, all the resources you need.
to have the marriage that you desire. or available. And there's a God on the sidelines, or maybe in the center, I'm not sure where in your life. Who says? If you will give me a chance.
And if you Well let me direct. It won't always feel good. But um Yes, you'll end up happy. But your marriage relationship. Is the most vivid picture along with the church that I left the world.
So they know I'm real.
So please don't let me down. Please show the world what Jesus loving the church and the church loving Jesus looks like. by your relationship. Um This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. In today's message from our series Choosing Love, we learned the diffuse method, a biblical approach to handling conflict that really works.
Chip has one final thought coming up. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but how you handle it makes all the difference. That's why Chip wrote his book, I Choose Love, to show you that love isn't just a feeling you wait for, it's a decision you make. In this book Chip unpacks what Philippians two teaches about agape love, God's kind of love. It's not driven by emotions or romance, it's marked by sacrifice, by choosing what's best for the other person even when it's hard.
When you grasp how this biblical love operates, every relationship changes, especially your marriage. To discover practical steps for living out agape love, get I Choose Love online at livingonthege. org. Here's something important. Messages like today's reach people around the world because partners like you believe biblical teaching changes lives.
Your support today is helping couples learn to resolve conflict God's way, bringing hope to marriages that desperately need it. Will you stand with us? Give online at livingonthege. org. On our mobile app, just click on the heart icon and follow the simple instructions.
You can also call us right now at 888-333-6003. And one more thing, have you subscribed to the Living on the Edge podcast? There you can check out the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast feature, where you'll hear Chip's complete unedited messages from start to finish. All right, Chip, would you close today's program with a final thought? Absolutely, Dave.
I'm glad to kind of go over that acronym because if you're in the middle of conflict, you kind of need that right now. It's Diffuse. D is for define the problem. Don't just react to conflict. Go to the roots of it.
I mean, what's the real problem? The I is initiate a time to talk. And the key is find the right time and the right place, and for sure it's not when you're angry. The F in diffuse is for focus on the problem, not the person. This is really hard to do, but emphasize the I feel approach.
Not you did this or you did that or why did you do this, is I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I feel, is very, very helpful. The other F is for feel their pain. Your spouse is not the enemy. They're your teammate to tackle this issue together.
Sometimes it's just looking on their face and realizing they're as frustrated or hurt or wounded as you are. And often, you know, if you can take some time, then you're diffusing that emotion and those words that are going to cause a bigger problem that could often come out of your mouth. And then the U is for uncover the root problem. If undealt with, These issues keep resurfacing over and over and over. I mean, you argue about sex, you argue about money, you argue about in-laws, you argue about the kids.
Those are not the issues. Those reveal underlying issues that we talked about in the message. The S is for set things right. And that means own your wrongs and ask for forgiveness. And by the way, don't blow this off.
This is like I was wrong. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? And you look them in the eye. And finally, the last D is establish an action plan.
It's easy just to kind of get, well, oh, here's the problem. I forgive you, move on. No, you got to say, okay, now, what are we going to do moving forward? That's diffusing conflict. And I will tell you, I've used it a lot and I think God will use it in your life.
Money fights. They're real, they're common, and they can tear a marriage apart. Tomorrow, discover how to get on the same page financially with your spouse right here on Living on the Edge. Yeah. Oh.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
