Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, we all know that the love that transforms is unconditional love. And when we love our mates in the way that God loves us, great things happen. But what's the practical way to do that? How do you love your mate in a way that really makes sense to them? That's today.
Stay with me. Have you ever felt like you and your spouse are missing each other? You're both trying to show love, but somehow it's not landing. Today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues unpacking the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. When you discover which language fills your spouse's emotional tank, everything shifts.
Through biblical guidance and some honest stories from his own marriage, Chip will help you identify what makes your spouse feel truly loved.
Well, here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, Serving: How to Deepen Your Love. We're going to learn the five languages of love. And I'm going to tell you, it'll be the beginning of a new day. I'll give you the picture of this is how this works. My kind of one of my love languages are are words that affirm.
And another love language of mine is physical touch. Probably after that is quality time, and by God's grace, that's quality time is probably her number two and my number two. And so, early in our marriage, I think I'm loving my wife, and so I'm telling her, you look beautiful, I love you, verbal, I care for you, you're wonderful. And by the way, she doesn't say that to me. I'm an extrovert.
She's an introvert. She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew up in a family where. You didn't take turns, you just interrupted one another.
She came and visited my family and it was like, these people are crazy. She didn't get a word in that twice.
Well, we're a verbal family. Hers I mean Kick. Here a pin drop. It's supper, you know? And so we're driving in the car for like 30 minutes.
And so being the man and having bizarre thoughts, I think, I wonder how long I'm not going to say anything and see how long it takes her to say something to me. You know, so okay, you know, and Yeah, it's 10 minutes. 22 minutes. And we're getting ready to be where we're supposed to be. And, you know, she's looking out the window.
And then, in the nick of time, she says this, and I'll never forget it. She turns to me and she goes. Isn't it wonderful just to be with a person that you love and not have to say a word? Yeah. On this drive, I've just looked at the hills and the animals, and it's been so beautiful.
I think uh I'm so glad I didn't say something on that line, you know? And so I would say things like that and it meant nothing. And on another occasion, I thought, yeah, I'm working really hard. And I wasn't real detail-oriented, to say the least. And we're in seminary and so I go and and get some flowers for her.
You know, I've I've I'm I played a lot of pickup basketball and I would lose track of time and I kept coming home late and we always argue about it and I was trying to make up for it, you know, so I bring these flowers or something and She, what? She takes more like that. She goes, what are you doing?
Well, you don't like flowers? Chip, we only have $10 in our checking count. How much does this cost? Just a little bit more than $10.
So so here's what I want you to get. I'm trying to express my love in ways that are not communicating, all right?
So um And so on her side, we're in marriage counseling, okay? We're trying.
So she, I mean, cooks these great meals, and the house is always beautiful, and I mean, she takes care of everything. I mean, just because. One of her love languages is acts of service.
So she's saying, I love you with a great meal. I'm saying, you know what? I'll eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me like this and say, you're awesome, Chip, and you're handsome, and I think you're brilliant, and you look so sexy tonight. And, you know, there's my love language, right?
And, you know, oh, the house looks really clean. You know, it is a wonderful meal, okay? You know, and so she's feeling like I'm rejecting her love.
Now guys, I'm going to skip ahead. All right? Because here there's some real breakthroughs. As I learned to love her in a way that made sense to her. And she learned what my love language was.
Then what happens is you kind of get enough gas in the emotional tank to work on those things that some of them take a long time. There's fundamentals and skills, and you have to practice and practice and practice them, and then you put it all together. It's a process. And you're going to be in, you know, 41 years, I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue, we never have any problems, but I'd be a liar.
Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years, I know her buttons and she knows mine. And, I mean, I'm still, my love language is words of affirmation.
So guess what? I'm super sensitive when the tone of her voice is even a little bit critical. If it's a 25-cent criticism, in my brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've learned not to respond too much, but ooh, it kind of hurts.
So let's go through the five love languages. And then I'm going to give you some keys to discover yours. The first love language is words of affirmation.
Okay.
Some of us Words are super powerful. A compliment. Um A word of appreciation. For some, just saying some words. Right?
Recognizing. Things about your character. Saying something out loud in front of the children that where a wife says she respects you. being out in public and saying a compliment about your mate.
something you admire about them. And I don't mean in some phony, artificial way. And some people, you're not verbal. And you're married to someone that their number one love language is words of affirmation, and you know what? They're starving.
And you go, but I cook great meals. They're starving. I gave him a nice gift, or I gave her a nice gift. They're starving. What they need is words of affirmation.
So, what do you do? You go into training. And you come up with devices to become a person who shares words of affirmation. Because love is a choice. What what is it that allows them to come alive.
What fills their tank? And then you just become a student who says, I'm going to flat out choose to figure out what fills her tank or fills his tank, and whether it comes naturally or not naturally. How in the world can we give more energy to our profession, more energy to our business, than we would to the person that we lie in the same bed with and say, I don't know what it's going to take. But I'm going to learn, and I'm going to do it when it feels good. I'm going to do it when I don't feel anything at all, and I'm going to do it when it feels bad.
Because that's what love is. That's what real love is because you're going to serve them.
So words of affirmation is self-explanatory, but think of all the different things that you can say.
Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell me a little bit more about that. How did that go? How did that make you feel? What happened in your day today?
Wow, that's very interesting. That was very insightful.
Well I just You know, I'm amazed at how God has your mind work and you process information. You know, I really thought the way you interacted with our son after he was so disrespectful.
Well, I tell you what. You're a godly man. I'm honored to be married to you. How you responded to your boss or that supervisor and the way he treated you. Wow, I'm so proud to be your husband and be your wife.
The second one here is quality time. This is just being with one another. For me and Teresa, it is our common love language, and I'm guessing it's really probably number two. uh maybe two point five for me but um I have to, I travel quite a bit both here and internationally, and before I have pastored some churches that were pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so we, I mean, every Friday we had a date.
And just because of the age of our kids, I would drop them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday night and Sunday services. And we just had a four-hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned was we had to connect because of our communication difficulties after supper every night. For 10, 15, sometimes 30 minutes, but working and connect. And we actually went through a script.
I mean, it sounds real structured. You know, what are you concerned about? What do you wish? What are you willing to do? Until we just got where every day, In supper or right afterwards, we would connect at the heart level.
But we we put it in. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will continue today's message in just a moment.
So stay with us. If today's teaching is resonating with you, there's more where this came from. The complete series, Choosing Love, is available right now at livingonthege.org. You'll also find study notes, discussion questions, and resources to help you go deeper. Everything is waiting for you online at livingonthege.org.
Well, now let's continue with Chip's message. Uh today um We are early risers and we start most days in the wee hours of the morning where we get to see the stars. I learned Acts of service.
So 15 years ago I started making coffee instead of her. I'd make it the night before and bring her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect, often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the grocery store or Target or anything? Because there's just something about when you've been away from each other. She hates the grocery shop.
To me, Costco's like, whoa, you know, but just doing things together, or do you need to run some errands? Just being together. You want to take a walk with the dog and you just hang out. And there's something that communicates to both of us that we're connected when we just hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging out, and the good news is that's easy for both of us.
So for me, that acts of service Are things fixed? Are things picked up? Early in our marriage, she would work very hard and And she would do all the laundry and it would be on the bed, you know, stacked, you know. T-shirts and this and this and that. And so I would walk in, being very busy, and I would take all of them off the bed when it's time to go to bed and put them on the dresser.
And they might be on the dresser for three or four days. And she would just look at me like... Don't you love me? And I mean I mean you gotta understand when you're as warped as I am. Come on.
What do you mean, don't I love you?
Well There's all the clothes that I made and spent all that time to serve and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive me, ladies, but I'm so hard-headed. What in the world does clothes on the bed got to do with love? Love's about kissing. Right?
And you know, love, you know, love was like in my brain not.
Alright, see. Fixing the dispose all and the washing machine leaks, that's what's love got to what's love got to do with it, got to do with it, got to do it, right? And well, you know what I learned? I just, I literally, I had to write these things on cards. And every time I build a habit, as soon as I see it, I put it away.
As soon as I see it, I put it away. When I walk by the trash can each and every day, I look in there. And she'll say, well, almost every day. But, you know.
Okay.
It's you know because what I've learned that means I love you And I resisted and I didn't like it, and I was ticked off, and it didn't make sense. And then finally, I thought, Chip, do you love your wife or not? Answer, yes.
Well, if that means I love you to her, why don't you just shut up and do it? And so I just started shutting up and doing it. And then she has very sacrificially Learn to talk. and give words of affirmation. and encouragement.
And she would probably say, Yes, he's verbal. We've had conversations where Oh my gosh. Yeah. She's almost afraid.
So, what are you learning right now? Oh, I gotta tell you, you know, I don't wanna hear that. She goes, I don't want the whole sermon right now. Let me get it later, you know? Or what's going on with you?
Or what happened when you were in China? Or whatever. And I have to learn to I'm still learning. But she listens. She asks questions.
She gives me words of affirmation. And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill her tank. Words of affirmation. Quality time.
You drink coffee, you take walks, you go to coffee shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little shops. You know. And then at times sit on the bench outside and say, I'll just be here. Why don't you take your time in there?
Um but you go. The third is receiving gifts.
Some people, that's their love language. And they don't have to be expensive. But, you know, you make something for him. Of course sometimes they are expensive. Yeah.
And see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes.
Some of us, by nature, are spenders. And some of us are savers.
Some of us, when we see money and the way we think about money, we think about saving and investing, and that's a good use of money. And other people think, this is money, and what you do is you spend it to love people and do wonderful things. When those two people get married, there's a little conflict. And if they can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing because having money stacked up that makes you feel secure somehow. and not enjoying the good gifts God's given is not very smart.
Or spending more than you actually have is not very smart either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some people love surprises, some people hate surprises.
Some people a surprise, what the gift is like. But it can be the gift of, I was actually talking with someone earlier, and he was saying, you know, Valentine's Day, I got a card. Uh in my lunch. Then I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts, three little cards that said, You matter.
I'm thinking of you. I value you. The gift of a phone call. The gift of a text. I'm thinking about you today.
You know, I was at this little store, and I know it's really crazy, but you know, I know you collect those cups from different cities, and I saw this as I was traveling. And when I come home, I got it for you. You know, my wife likes pink, so sometimes when I'm traveling around, and you know, I'm not always sure about. I'm not the artist type, but you know, maybe it looks like it might fit her, and you know, I'm not very good at picking it out, but I'll just bring her something. And that's not real high on her list.
But ask yourself, is that when you feel special? And often, so much of this grew out of when you were a kid. and your family and how they celebrated you, ask yourself, Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service. I mean, it's It's helping out. It's working in the yard together.
It's taking care of things. It's making sure they're fixed. For some of you, that comes really naturally. And by the way, here's the thing. The unconscious thing most of us do is, whatever our love language is, we express that to our mate because since it is loving to us, we assume it's to them.
And rarely is it the same. The final one here is physical touch. And most men rank that pretty high. Don't confuse that completely with sexual intercourse. I don't know that I've met many men ever who've told me.
Most women probably have no idea how deeply affirming a man feels when his wife wants to be with him and really expresses her love sexually. It just is the way it is. But physical touch is far more than that. That can be a squeezing of the hand. It might be when you're sitting.
You know, you sit close to them. It might be a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup of coffee. It might be, you know, when you're sitting, you know, I've seen, you know, someone rub someone's hair. But there's people that, you know, our whole bodies are made to be touched. And there's something about, I mean, think of what happens in a crisis.
What's the first thing that people do in the middle of a crisis when they see one another? They hug. Right? So here's what I want you to do. And I want you to write down.
what you think your top two love languages are. And let me give you two ways. For many of you, it's like you know right now. But here's one way. What bothers you the most?
What really bothers you the most? Like if How come he didn't notice I did all the dishes? How come she didn't notice? I cut the lawn, I fixed this, I did this, I did this. Or how come?
I mean, she didn't even say thanks. There were no words. If it really bothers you, that's a good indicator it's your love language. The other one is, is what do you ask for the most? I mean, when you're getting really honest and you're saying, hey, You know, at some point in time, What says I love you to you?
What are you asking for? What do you want from your mate the most? It's probably your number one love language. I mean, listen carefully. Unconsciously, what we do is we all have challenges in our marriage.
And okay, it's a problem. And he does this or this, she does that, and she doesn't do this, or he doesn't do this, and it really bothers you. And you keep looking at that, and you focus on that, and focus on that, focus on it. You know what you start doing? You start looking at your relationship through that lens.
And then pretty soon, if this isn't a good marriage, and I don't really like this, and you become very, very negative. And the fact of the matter is, if you would pull that way back, you have really, in general, a really good marriage with lots of normal problems. And here's the thing: if you focus on that little 10 or 20 percent that's negative, it will grow. If you begin to fill up. Your mates Need for love in the language it makes sense to them.
I will tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And then there are some things we're going to talk about how you really deal with. But you'll have capacity. You have some capacity to deal with it in a way that isn't critical and it's not make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples is you think you have these problems that are insurmountable and you've fallen out of love and there's no hope or you're on the edge when what you don't realize is you're just on the 25-yard line, you just need to make a couple more first downs.
And believe me, there's a great future ahead of you, but you've got to make a couple first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without you. Fill us with your Spirit. Fill us with your power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we don't feel like it.
That's probably when we love the most. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, teaching us how to speak our spouse's love language. Chip will be back in a moment. To share this message with your spouse or a friend, find it online at livingonthege.org. And to help you learn more on how to love in ways that truly connect, we invite you to pick up Chip's latest book, I Choose Love.
This book is filled with practical insights about agape love, the kind that serves, gives, and meets real needs, even when you don't feel like it. It's relationship-changing wisdom. Get your copy of I Choose Love at livingonthege.org. You know, it's encouraging to know that marriages across the country are being transformed as couples learn to communicate love effectively. Through Living on the Edge, husbands and wives are discovering practical biblical truth that rebuilds intimacy and restores passion.
Your partnership fuels this ministry. When you give to Living on the Edge, you're investing in marriages. That were on the brink, families that need hope, and the next generation watching their parents' example. Will you help? We've made it easy to give online.
Just go to livingonthege.org or write to us through the mail at livingonthege post office box 3007 Atlanta, Georgia 30024. You can also call us and give over the phone. Just dial 888-333-6003. And by the way, full sermons are now available on the Living on the Edge podcast with a new feature called the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. You'll find these episodes right alongside our regular broadcasts on your podcast app.
Well, now here's Chip with more on serving. As we wrap up today's program, I want to give you just a little bit of mentoring or coaching on how to put this into practice. By wave review, serving our mate is the way we express unconditional love. But then, how do you serve them in a way that makes sense to them? I ask you near the end of this message to just write down two or three behaviors, things specifically that you know makes your mate feel loved.
And if you're not sure what they are, just go ahead and ask them. At times, I've asked Teresa, just write down, this may not sound romantic, write down two or three things that when I do these things, you really feel loved. And guys, by the way, it might be taking out the garbage or helping with the vacuuming or something that you're thinking, you gotta be kidding me.
Well, here's the good news: let them write it down and just choose to do it. Because people need to be loved in a way that makes sense to them. The second thing I talked about was learning your mates' top two love languages. I get this from the book Love Languages by Gary Chapman. And the five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
And the only point here is this. Is that we tend to give love in the way that it's meaningful to us? In other words, mine are words of affirmation and physical affection.
Well, I thought, well, if I give that to Teresa, she's gonna really feel loved. What I didn't realize was that's not her love language. Her number one love language is acts of service.
So, what I want you to do is just look at those five things. You can even check out the notes, we've got them right there, and then begin this week to love your mate in the language that makes sense to them. I found when I began to do acts of service around the house, cleaning up things, helping out with things, seeing what needed to be fixed, my wife started to feel very, very loved. When I had been telling her, I love you and I'm for you, and I did all these what I thought were romantic things, and they were like BBs off of the tank. Let me encourage you, it may not sound sexy or life-changing.
But isn't it interesting that the very last thing Jesus did He served his disciples. And at the end of the day, when we follow his example, that's how you keep love alive in your marriage. Let's do that this week. How do you strengthen hope in your marriage for the future?
Well, I'm Dave Druy. Join us as Chip Ingram shows how planning deepens love. Tomorrow on Living on the Edge. Wow. Oh.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
