Have you ever noticed how family dynamics have evolved even since our grandparents lived? I mean, back 50, 60 years ago, men were primarily the breadwinners, going to work every day, while women managed the house and took care of the kids.
So that raises a vital question. How does this more traditional model stack up against the ways families function now? And what does God's word say about the roles men and women play in their households?
Well, in just a minute, our Bible teacher Chip Ingram will tackle these relevant questions as he continues our series, Uninvited Guests. I'm Dave Drewy, and you're listening to Living on the Edge with Chiff Ingram. We're an international teaching and discipleship ministry devoted to helping Christians worldwide live out their faith for the glory of God and the good of all. And as I mentioned, today we're picking up in our new teaching focused on encouraging parents and couples. For the past few messages, Chip's highlighted the dangerous misbeliefs that husbands and wives have held, which can harm their relationships.
So if you want to go back and listen to a program you may have missed, it's not too late to catch up. You can easily listen at livingonthege.org or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Okay, grab your notes and Bible and settle in now for Chip's message, Who Does What? God's Roles for Husbands and Wives. A number of years ago, I came across a book that sort of identified One of the most common frictions that I experienced in counseling couples. It was by a San Francisco psychologist, doctor Pierre More now. He named the book Passive men.
wild women. And so I went ahead and Googled it, went on Amazon to find out. What's a description of the book? I'd read it, it was years ago, but listen to this. This is Pierre Mornell's classic study of modern relationships and why they break down so often.
Relationships just don't work well when the man neglects to take the lead when he should, neglects to make decisions at home, and fails to be proactive in his involvement with his family. The expression he uses is wet noodle to describe modern husbands. He talked about high-powered men in the financial district of San Francisco who were taking the bull by the horns, leading major companies. But he found himself counseling their wives who said, when this strong, dynamic leader who's building these businesses comes home, He's passive. It's like he's not engaged.
And by the way, I think the wet noodle description might be a little too strong. My experience is that a lot of men. Come off passive. because they really think they're being like a servant leader. It's such a common problem.
I had an opportunity, as I've shared recently, to Help with some young adult Sunday school class. And we were going through a book that I wrote and sitting around the tables and talking with him. And as this came up, I asked these young men, I said, so what's it look like to be active and proactive at home? The one guy said, well, I'm really trying to be a good Christian husband. And so we're going to go out to eat.
And I'll say, well, where do you want to go? Or we're thinking about something for the kids, and I think she probably knows more than me.
So I'll say, well, what do you think we should do? I said, did you ever consider that when you ask all the questions that she ends up making all the decisions, what she feels is all the weight and all the responsibility for the family? And then one guy said, I think part of it, I'm trying to be a servant leader. And the other part is, I don't feel like I'll make good decisions. I think she'll probably know better.
And when I'm really honest, if she'll make them all, then I don't have to. And the misbelief. that I want to identify here. Is this misbelief, and some of these I say in a way to give a little edge to them so that. There's something inside you that goes, oh boy, I don't look at that that way.
Misbelief number 12 is husbands are to earn the money and wives are to take care of the kids and the house. In other words, there can be a misbelief as a man, and maybe you grew up this way, or maybe you come up on a background where there was even some teaching you got this way. Look. I go out. I earn the money.
I bring the money home, I provide for us. Your job, you take care of the house, you take care of the kids.
So when I come home. I don't have any responsibility.
Some of that may have been old school and worked in another day, but I got news for you. If you want to have a very, very frustrated wife, not have much intimacy in your marriage, just keep believing that. Just keep believing that somehow all you need to do is earn the paycheck and you're done. The truth is this. As a husband, I am a servant leader in our home.
I am responsible. Listen carefully. to provide for and protect my family's physical. Spiritual and emotional needs as I model Jesus every day.
Now I understand that for some You're passive. And others, it's Can I just be honest with you fellas? It's 'cause you're lazy. Lazy doesn't mean that you're playing video games in the back room for four hours. My definition of lazy is failing to do what you need to do when it needs to be done.
In fact, discipline is doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Especially when you don't feel like it. Here's the deal. We as men need to understand. Provision is important.
But we need to understand that we're to be a servant leader, not just in the financial provision. But in the spiritual leadership, In the emotional leadership, and that I'm to model Jesus each and every day.
Now think of this. I really want you to ponder for just a minute. In Ephesians chapter 6, it talks about The role of men. In Ephesians chapter 5, it talks about the role of men. It says that I'm supposed to lead the way Jesus leads.
That whole issue about headship is way more about responsibility rather than authority. You know, I happen to be the CEO of the organization that I get to lead. And sure, I have significant influence, but actually I go to bed most nights with a weight of responsibility. Does our staff have all that they need? Do we have enough resources to get there?
Am I being a bottleneck anywhere right now in the organization so that we can't fulfill the mission? I want to get the best information and if there's a conflict or God gives me a very clear leading, I'm going to own this is a step we need to take. But rarely does that ever happen in isolation. Your job as the leader is to draw the best out of your wife, to cherish her, to help the kids, to be the servant leader, to lead in a way. Where you're responsible, where you think the buck stops with me.
Are my kids growing spiritually? I appreciate what my wife does. I'm really glad what they do at Sunday school. I'm thankful for a good church. It's great that we have a youth group, but guess what?
The youth group is not going to stand before God for the spiritual development of my child. I am. Ephesians 6 says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the discipline and the nurture of the Lord. The word discipline there means you shape your child's behavior by actions. The word nurture means you do it by words.
So your actions and your words become guardrails. and a pathway where you help your kids learn to love God. treat their mother with respect. Honor one another, learn to be self-disciplined, learn to care about other people. See, that's what it means to be the man of the house.
That's what it means to be a servant leader. And so this misbelief. that hey. Once I've done my job. Brought in some money.
I don't have any responsibility.
That is a recipe for disaster in your marriage. I want you to ponder this passage, Ephesians 5 verses 1 and 2. Follow God's example, therefore. as dearly beloved children. And walk in the way of love.
Just as Christ loved us, and gave himself up for us. as a fragrant offering. and sacrifice to God. In other words, walking in love in your marriage. Walking in love as a father in the family.
It means you follow Christ's example. Notice what it says. as a dearly loved child. Staying connected to the Father, where you feel loved and affirmed. Jesus did his ministry not to please his father, he did it from the pleasure of his father.
Remember, he came out of that baptism water. This is my beloved Son. in whom I'm well pleased. He understood how much God loved him. God loves you.
You need to understand you don't earn your wife's favor. You don't earn your kids' affirmation. You have God's, and so you can lead as a servant. And when you do, A lot of wonderful things happen.
So don't buy the lie. that you're just the money earner. And when you've done that, your job is done.
Now I'm imagining There's probably some. Ladies right now possibly driving in their minivan. Taking a walk with your headphones on. And you're saying to yourself, I just cannot wait. to let my husband know he really needs to hear today's message.
And you're right, he probably does. And my confession is. Believe me, I've had my moments of being a really passive husband. We all do that. I've had my moments of being lazy.
I've had my moments where Man, I've killed it at work. I've been up from the wee hours of the morning. I've been meetings all day. I had to travel. I'd come home.
And yes, in my flesh, it's like, Teresa, could you just take care of everything for a little while? But ladies, I want to encourage you that Half of the problem is passivity among men. But what I want you to know, there is a misbelief that women have as well. And it's one of the reasons. why husbands are not stepping up.
and leading their homes. And as I read it, here's what I want you to do. I want you to ask yourself as a woman, Are these some of my private thoughts? Just between you and yourself, or maybe even you and God, are there times where This thought goes through your mind. Lie number 13.
My husband is almost like another child. I have to take care of. If I don't handle our finances, the house, our children, and major decisions, this place would fall apart tomorrow. Is that any of you? Do you find all the bills are coming due?
School season's coming. What school should they be in? What about all their supplies? How much does it cost? Do you find yourself owning all the responsibility?
And seeing, I've even heard women say this, maybe they've got two boys, and she'll say, Well, I have one daughter and three boys. I have two boys and then one husband. I have to take care as well. In fact, I've heard couples calling the other person mom or dad. No, no, no, no.
You're spouses. Kids get to call you mom or dad. You need to treat one another as peers and co-heirs of the grace of God and as a man and a woman made for one another. And what happens in relationships is men get passive. and women begin to treat their husbands like one of the kids.
I'm going to go and probe a little bit here, so this is for your good. I want to suggest that that misbelief. Says I'm a victim. All the weight, all the responsibility is on me. And yes, he does need to step up.
But the question is this. Do you trust God enough? to provide room for him to step up. Let me put it this way. Here's the truth.
When I as a woman take care of everything myself, I'm actually usurping my husband's God-given role. Until I stop taking care of everything, My husband will never step up and lead. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be back to finish today's message in just a minute. But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need a practical biblical tool to revive and transform your relationship?
Well, we've developed a brand new resource designed to do just that.
So stick around after the teaching to hear about this practical way we are encouraging couples. Until then, here again is Chip to continue our series, Uninvited Guests.
Now, I've had a lot of conversations with a lot of couples, and this is a hard one to digest. And here's what it really boils down to. At the end of the day, Can you trust God? You see, most of us as men, we don't really get moving until there's a crisis. And most of you as women see the crisis coming way before we do.
And so you see it coming and you just take care of stuff. How many of you, when you get up during the day and you look around and there's clothes on the floor, they're not yours, they're your husbands, you pick them up. How many of you, when there's dishes laid out here or there and they were your husbands, you put them away? How many of you, when something isn't done and he said he would do it and you think he's probably not gonna get around to it, because there's been a lot of times he didn't get around to it, and you said it doesn't have to get done until Thursday, but. Let's face it, right?
It's Wednesday, late afternoon. You just went ahead and did it yourself.
Sound familiar? If you don't step in. He'll never step up. I've talked to a lot of husbands and I've had this conversation with couples where I mean, the eyes are flaring at one another as, you know, am I supposed to just let the bills go and let the electricity get turned off? I'm not saying you need to be that extreme.
But if things never drop, Your husband will never wake up to the fact that his responsibility that he owns. is never getting done. And that's a hard point. In fact, the passage I want to give you as his wives is this, because it really boils down to: if you're going to create room, For your husbands, it means you're going to have to trust God. The passage I have for you ladies is Proverbs 3, 5, and 6.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways submit to him. and he will make your path straight or literally he'll show you what to do.
Now let me give you a couple positive ways to do this. One is refuse to do things that are his job and start off with little things. I think my wife learned early on. that she could either be my wife or she could act like my mom. And let me just tell you something.
when a woman acts like a man's mom? Just do the math in your mind about what that does to the intimacy of your relationship. I don't think I need to say much more. My wife communicated very early on: I love you, I'm for you, you're a grown-up. I'm going to treat you like the husband that I love and the man that I care about.
Not like your mother. If I would happen to leave a towel on the floor, Or sometimes, you know, I'm watching a ball game and I take off my shoes and I stick my shoes underneath the. Little coffee table and put my feet up. Maybe she goes to bed first, and I finish that Warriors game, hoping Steph Curry is gonna bring us through one more time. And then I go to bed and I'm a little sleepy.
I get up. I got things going and and go to work. I come back and guess where my shoes are. They're exactly where I left them. If I lay something on the floor, guess where they're at?
They're exactly where I lay them. You know, I uh One of the saddest experiences I had was my father coming from an alcoholic background, my mom was this amazing person. But little did she recognize, even though she was a counselor, she was such an enabler. My father became so passive that he couldn't get dressed for work. until she picked out his clothes.
This is an intelligent, really gifted, sharp guy who's admired by amazing people, who's an amazing athlete. And I've seen him in his skivvies growing up in his t-shirt going, I can't get ready. 'Cause Marty hasn't picked out my clothes.
Now these are extreme. And I'm giving you extreme examples because I want to shake some of you up to say, ladies, enable, enable, enable, enable, you'll emasculate your man. Let him have some challenges. Let him struggle with, I don't know exactly how to do this, or I've never done this. He's fearful and he feels inadequate.
And the more that you do and the more he doesn't do, It just reinforces it. it got to such an extreme My mom and dad, being school teachers, were always in continuing education. And so my mom was taking some classes and I'll never forget, it was like four or five o'clock in the afternoon. And she came in and I mean he was hot. Marty, where have you been?
What's going on? I can't believe it. She goes, Well, the class went late. He said, Well, I have not eaten all day. And she said, why?
Well you weren't here to fix it. She walks over, opens the refrigerator, it's full of food. And he'd become so passive So, like, I can't do anything that he couldn't pull something out of the refrigerator and feed himself. And there are a lot of times where growing up and not seeing him be a man and step up, except for at work or in athletic things. I really had a bit of a critical attitude toward my father, a bit of resentment like, hey, come on, dad, step up and be a real man.
And, um Years later. My mom died. I don't believe I've been as sad at any moment, any week, any set of months ever in my life. Super, super close to my mom. And I'll never forget my father.
He'd finally gone back home. We'd been through a very long time of medicine and the funeral and In and out of Duke Hospital, and it was really challenging. And he finally got back home and got on his feet. First time in about three or four weeks, I heard some pep in his voice. And you may laugh, but He said, yeah, I did something today I've never done.
I haven't done this in over 40 years. I said, what's that? He said, I wrote a check. I said, you what? I said, I wrote a check.
He was having to do some things he had not had to do in 40 years. And he was coming alive. And by God's grace, some time later, he met a very godly woman and She was a widow and they married. She wouldn't enable him. And so he didn't want to travel.
He was afraid to do this or afraid to do that. She goes, Oh, that's fine. I'll be back in a week. And it was like, I guess I'll get on a plane. All I'm saying is It's a fine line you need to pray carefully.
But men If you want to have a great marriage, you have to step up and own the responsibility. You don't have to be good at it. And ladies, if you want him to step up, Can I give you a couple tools? My wife did this with me and Looking back, it worked. Instead of being frustrated and feeling like you have one more child to take care of, ask for his help.
Let him know that you need him. Every man's not lazy if you feel inadequate and fearful and think you're not going to do a good job. It's pretty easy to be passive. I remember the beginning for us, it was just because of what I was doing, what she was doing. Our kids were in a very, very poor educational system in Texas.
And so they would come home. and they needed a lot of help with their homework. Teresa was doing that because she did it right after school before I got home. As they got a little bit older, some of the math was a little bit more complicated, and she just felt overwhelmed. We were in counseling, so I was learning to ask these three questions, like, you know, what are you concerned about?
What do you wish? What would you be willing to do? Or how can I help you? And so she said, I'm overwhelmed with the kids' homework. Is there any way you could help me, especially with the math and the science part?
Well, I'm good in those. My dad was a math and science teacher. I started doing their math and science homework when I got home. Could have been three days later. Guys, you need to hear this.
This is golden stuff for you right now. She comes up to me in the hallway and says something like, When you help the kids and take care of the math and the science, I just feel like you've taken the weight of the world off my shoulders. You know that mammy Phil. Man, I'm a real man, right? I'm stepping up.
I was stepping up in an area that I knew. And ladies, even in some things that are a struggle and they've been an argument before. Instead of being resentful, try this. Honey? I know right now that We have limited finances and we have a lot of bills and there's a lot of challenges right now.
And I just have to tell you, I just don't think I can do this on my own. I need your help. Even if we sit down together and write out the bills together or I put them in a notebook and we meet together to do that. I just don't think I can do this without you.
Now the fact of the matter you've been doing it by yourself and and being resentful That was another area for me that it was. That wasn't a big deal. And my wife came to me, and I was unaware that she was feeling pressure about our finances. I think it was about 44 years ago. We started a practice that we still do.
Every two weeks, we have a folder. Every bill that comes in goes in on one side. Every two weeks, I get a paycheck. We sit down, we open the folder, I take the little checks, or we have the computer open, so we do some of them online. And we walk through together and pay every bill.
We know how much savings we have. We start with where we're going to give. We make decisions about that. And We've been on the same page for 44 years, but we do it together. Because she came and said, I'm not going.
To take the responsibility for all the areas in our family and our relationship. that you either never did or didn't see your father do or feel inadequate or just have fears about it. And if you all can break the cycle of passive men that make women wild. I am telling you. you will thank God for the day that you walk down the path to say, Men step up.
Ladies, step in. Let him leave. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, Who Does What? God's Roles for Husbands and Wives, is from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
Well, before we go any further, Chip's here in studio with a quick word. Thanks, Dave. In the midst of this series, there's something I want to share with you. Do you know that less than 5% of all the income? that we receive at Living on the Edge comes from resource sales.
In other words, we literally give a lot of it away. Secondly, you may not know it, but unlike public TV or public radio where sponsors and commercials pay for the airtime, in the Christian world, we pay for the airtime. And we have millions of people listen to this broadcast each and every day. And there's probably less than 1% that become Living on the Edge financial partners. The Bible is really clear that where we're receiving spiritual nourishment and are being fed spiritually, the Apostle Paul says there are a corresponding financial commitment to help those who are feeding you spiritually.
Now, we always talk about doing that first and foremost at your local church. But I would like to ask you. Has Living on the Edge ministered to you? Do you catch the program a couple times a week? Have you used daily discipleship, small group content?
If so, would you say, Lord, then I should be a part of helping them. fulfilled their calling to disciple God's people. to train pastors and to reach the next generation. Please go online today. and make a gift and let's partner together.
Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, The Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingonthege.org or by calling 888-333-6003.
Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App listeners tap donate.
Well, until next time, this is Dave Druy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
