When you and your coworkers approach a big project, it seems perfectly reasonable to divide up the tasks evenly.
So everyone does their fair share. But does the same principle work in our marriages too? Coming up on Living on the Edge, our Bible teacher Chip Ingram argues that this idea is actually a subtle lie that will cause you to burn out and become resentful toward your spouse. I'm Dave Druy. Thanks for joining us as we continue our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
So far, Chip's been focusing on the institution of marriage, revealing the dangerous misbeliefs husbands and wives have adopted. which can destroy their relationship. And before he picks up in our study, if this is your first time listening to Living on the Edge or you're curious about what we do or who we are, visit livingonthege.org. You'll discover a wealth of valuable tools we've created to equip you in your walk with Jesus.
So check out livingontheedge.org today. All right, grab your Bible and notes and settle in for Chip's insightful talk, The 50-50 Lie. As I was thinking about the misbelief that we're going to cover, I think of a husband that I know. I've known him for over 10 years, maybe a bit more. and of all the husbands I have ever known on the face of the earth, I admire him the most.
Not that I don't have lots of friends that are great husbands and I admire and I want to learn from them, but this. This guy has a very unique situation. I got to know him as I was pastoring here in the Silicon Valley. He immediately got involved. His wife had the incredible prayer ministry and We didn't spend a whole lot of time together, but just like, wow.
And a little bit later, they came and said, We'd like to talk to you about something. And I thought, ooh, what's wrong? And he said, My wife and I have been praying and thinking. And, you know, this is a very large church. There's lots of leaders.
And We got to know your son and. My son had planted a church about five years earlier. and it was on the other side of town real near where they live. And they got to know him. He had preached where I was preaching, filled in for me a couple times.
And he said, Would you be offended? If we would leave this church. And go help him and help that church. And I say, oh, apologize. Are you kidding?
He needs people like you. Oh, this would be great. Of course, they moved there and He and his wife had been just Unbelievable the impact. They had and became very, very close friends with my son. And I don't know all the details.
but they were traveling and on a vacation and it was either Some kind of food in a country or a sting of some kind of an insect. They're not 100% sure, but during that time, for the first time ever, his wife had a seizure. I mean, a really, really violent seizure. And they thought, oh, what happened? And they did all the kind of tests that you do, and there's more seizures.
And what's worse is we don't know why the seizures. And they're becoming more violent. Then there's more research, and then there's more testing, and then there's other medical facilities. And then pretty soon it's debilitating. And She can't function.
Now we're six years in. It's limited what he can do. It's impacted his work. He loves to volunteer and be a part of the church. It's super limited.
And the seizures continue and growing worse. I've been tracking with him just the last week or so and another major surgery where they're implanting some things to try and stop these seizures. And all I can tell you is. He has been faithful He has loved her? and if he has complained, I certainly have never heard it.
All those verses about loving your wife the way Christ loved the church. I mean, If you could Google that, his face would come up. He's positive. He cares for her. He has gone beyond all limits of what he could do with his finances, education, technology, medicine, sacrifice.
and has this positive, encouraging Hopeful. I'm going to be there for her. We're in this together. and not pie in the sky, but trusting God. He just refuses to lose hope.
And I share that because it's a vivid, vivid contrast to what I think is one of the most common lies. I mean, the lie that I'm going to give you right now, it's so deeply rooted in our psyches. that as I shared this with a number of young couples. They kind of looked at each other like, well, how can this one be a lie? Are you ready?
Lie number six. Marriage is a 50-50 proposition. as long as everyone does their part. Everything will be okay. Marriage is a 50-50 proposition.
You do your part, I do my part. Everything will be okay. They sound reasonable. Maybe a good contract for two parties in business. But not marriage.
The truth is, marriage is a 100%, 100% proposition. It's an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. Love is giving another person what they need the most. when they deserve it the least at great Great. personal cost.
It's not 50-50. It's 100-100. Over the years, that definition came to me as I studied the life of Jesus. And I think of the passage where Jesus says, a new commandment. I give to you.
Love one another. How? As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples. if you love one another.
And so I would just remind you. Yes, there's a lie. Yes, there is truth and yes, there's a verse. But it's not just hearing that. I read that lie.
every morning and every night for months. And then I would say, stop after I read that out loud. And then I would turn that card over and I would read the truth. slowly and meditate on it, and then I would read that verse out loud. And you know what happened?
Over time, The Lord renewed my mind. In fact, what I have learned is he actually rewired some of the neurology inside my brain to get me thinking differently about what commitment is. It's not 50-50, it's 100%, 100%. I think of my wife. And I thank God it's not 50-50.
I moved her from her family in West Virginia. And we left her parents. And that was a huge step. And then we moved from Texas to Santa Cruz, and I uprooted the family yet again. And then we moved from Santa Cruz to Atlanta, and that was a terrible, terrible move, especially for her.
And her mother had died, and challenges were there. And then we moved back from Atlanta to Silicon Valley. And each one of those moves was: I have to follow the call of God on my life. And each time it was. eighty per cent sacrificed for Teresa and twenty per cent for me.
There were seasons where I had to learn to be an immediate father to two little boys that biologically weren't mine, and I didn't have a clue. You know, it's not like you start out with little babies and you figure it out. I mean, they're four and a half, now they're six, now they're eight. And there's a lot of issues.
Some of you that have a blended family you understand. There's abandonment issues. There's connection issues. There's, am I ever going to measure up as a dad issues? Are we going to have that deep connection issues?
By God's grace, I got to adopt them. But that part was, that was a 90 me and a 10% her. About 15, 16 years ago. She got cancer. and they removed 21 lymph glands.
I found myself in a role that I mean, she's been the glue of our family. I didn't know if I would have her. I lived every day not knowing. I drove her to Stanford and we went through all the treatments together. And then we would.
go get a cup of coffee and sit in the car and split a cookie and And talk about the great life that God had given us, and we have to hold it loosely, and we don't know. Will we have some more months? Will we have another year? Who knows? Cancel the book contract, let the church know I can do the weekends, but Nothing matters.
Schedule doesn't matter. Commitments doesn't matter. Supposed to go overseas, doesn't matter. And I never regret that. I would never want it to happen again, but it was precious.
There's times where you're going to need to be 70, 80, 90% for your mate because of things that are happening in their life. For her, she had to learn to deal with some family issues that I had and my baggage, and I certainly had to learn that. as we went and visited and dealt with issues in her family. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. Marriage is a 100%, 100% proposition.
Proposition toward one another, it's an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person for life. It is giving that other person what they need the most. when they deserve it the least. At great personal cost. which reminds me of a passage in Scripture That really changed my perspective.
So much of life is expectations. You might jot this down. I don't know if you've memorized scripture, but if you never have, this would be a good one. It's Philippians chapter 1, verses 29 and 30. The Apostle Paul is in prison, doesn't know whether he's going to be executed or maybe get set free.
A lot of things are up in the air. And the church is having struggles and He says, for it has been granted to you, speaking to this little church that he loves in Philippi. It has been granted to you. not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for his sake. I remember doing a little word study.
It has been granted to you. The word granted there. It's Grace. In other words, it's a gift. It has been a gift given to you to not only believe.
which brings eternal life and new life, but also To suffer for his sake. and to change your expectations that realize in life Suffering isn't like something that might happen. It is going to happen, and part of suffering is a gift. Certain things happen in your soul, in your relationships, in your sanctification that cannot happen and will not happen apart. from suffering.
There's certain aspects of intimacy in the most important relationships that will never happen apart from going through suffering. together. Often in life and especially in marriage, We have skewed expectations. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be right back to finish today's message. But first, if this new series from Chip has inspired you, consider joining the Living on the Edge team.
In fact, let me encourage you to stick around after the teaching to hear about a special gift we have for those who become monthly partners. You're not going to want to miss out. But until then, here again is Chip. Lie number seven about marriage is this: marriage shouldn't be this difficult. No matter how hard I work at it, it seems like we always have issues to work through.
I really wonder if it's worth it. Have you been there? I have. It shouldn't be this hard. Trace and I went through a book by Norman Wright called Communication key to your marriage.
And we made progress. And then luckily we found out He had another book, Communication, Key to Your Marriage, Volume 2.
So we read that one. We've read so many books together. We've been to so many seminars. We've learned so many little skills that we would practice, like after dinner and going on a date, and learning to take a walk, and learning to lean forward. And for me, keep my mouth shut, make eye contact, and listen to her.
Hard work. At least it was for me, I'm sure it was for her. The more I've gotten to know myself, My wife's patience blows me away. that she's put up with me and been patient with me. I have certain tendencies.
I realize that as she says, look, Chip, I just have come to realize you're just over the top. And It's part of what makes you you. It's part of how God uses you. And it's part of what makes me very frustrated in our marriage. Marriage shouldn't be this difficult.
It shouldn't be this hard. I've tried and tried and tried and I wonder if it's worth it. I had a friend, still a current friend. and he's a pro football player. Good guy, and he was in that stage of marriage.
Small kids, lots of demands at work, lots of pressures. I mean, the perfect storm that every couple, by the way, goes through when you're pulled this way, she's pulled that way. You have a few things you haven't quite worked out. The kids are very demanding. All that happens.
And so we're playing golf. He says, We need to play nine holes of golf, and I need to talk to you. And so I listen. Like hole number one, I listen. Hole number two, I listen.
Hole number three, I listen.
So we get on the fourth hole. And he just puts his hands on his hips. He goes, you know, I'm working really hard. I'm trying to be sacrificial. And, you know, I'm doing this and I'm doing this and I'm doing that.
It just shouldn't be this hard. I said, do you remember two-a-day practices in high school? Yeah. Do you remember two-a-day practices in? In college?
Oh man, alive. Are you kidding me? And told me where he came from and how hot it was. And, you know, 6 a.m. in the morning, you get out and it's two hours.
And then you come back in the afternoon. And it's just unbelievable. And you do these drills and you do bear walks. And I mean, then you hit the weight room. And I said, so that was pretty hard, right?
Oh, man, unbelievable. But it was worth it, right? Yeah. I mean, you're a college star, you played pro football. Yeah.
So, like as a tight end, when you make a good move and you cut and then you cross the middle and the ball comes and you catch it, and a linebacker like smacks you in the face, do you get up and say, Boy, that's not very nice. And he just laughed at me. And I said, um I'm not sure you're getting the picture, but You were willing to endure the hardship of mornings and late nights and weight training and give yourself. Unreservedly and pay an incredible price to become a very great football player. And yet for the most important person in your life that God has given you that will shape your life and her life and the life of your children and will be a testimony to all the people you know.
You're telling me it's just way too hard. And he just cracked this big smile. And it was like, gotcha. Can I tell you all something? Marriage is hard.
You're married to an imperfect person. You're commanded to love them the way Jesus loves you. Impossible. Guess what? All of life is not about you being happy or you being fulfilled.
I know they are on Hallmark, but that's not life. If you think that every person and everything is going to make you happy and fulfilled, and the moment it doesn't, then you will get into that long line of people that you see at the grocery store, right? Christy Brinkley has a new book out. And she goes, just I have one regret. I've been married four times.
I've just never been able to make a marriage work. Or you look at some of the most famous people, think of some of the people that played in Friends, or my heart goes out to a J-Lo, a beautiful woman, super successful, and You know, it's this guy, then it's the next guy, then it's the next guy, and it's the next big wedding, the next big wedding. See, if you believe... that it shouldn't be hard when it gets hard? You just jump to the next person.
And here's the thing. The pain and the attachment And the scars are of each and every relationship. And I'm no expert, but believe me, I've studied a lot of psychology and I can tell you this, with every broken relationship, there are scars and there's deep down issues in your heart that I don't measure up. You can say it's the other person and you can whine and you can blame and you can say all kind of things. But when you go after serial multiple relationships that don't work.
It brings a brokenness in your soul. You know how Jesus feels about people that have been through things like that? He weeps for them. He cares about them. He has a plan.
It's called marriage. He has some rules called fidelity, trust. He created marriage so that we could flourish.
So we could be loved. And as the song says, we're looking for love in all the wrong places. The truth is that everything of great value requires commitment, sacrifice, and perseverance. As my spouse and I face challenges and overcome them, our intimacy and joy will far outweigh our present problems.
Some of you just need to hear the last line. As we do what? Persevere. and overcome. Facing those hard challenges.
Over time, our intimacy and our joy will far outweigh our present problems. The verse It's Galatians 6.9, let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we are doing. We will reap a harvest if we do not. Give up. Please don't give up.
Here's the deal. We all grow weary. There's times when you just grow weary of We can't have a baby. You grow weary of you can't get sleep because you do have a baby. You grow weary because they're never going to be out of diapers.
You grow weary because they're teenagers and you're tired of arguing about phones and screen time. And then you grow weary because they're leaving the nest and you're all alone and you have to reimagine their future. And you grow weary because you get bored and you've drifted apart and you have to go back and really start working at some things that you've neglected over a period of time. Don't give up. Because it leads to the most devastating of all misbeliefs.
It's number eight. I've tried hard to make this marriage work, but it's too far gone. God wants me to be happy, and I know he'll understand if I get a divorce. If I had a hundred dollars for every time I've heard that, I'll never forget. I was on a radio call in, and I'd written a book about relationships, and a lady called in and She goes, I'm so glad I got to talk to you.
And I'm just so, so, so glad you took my call. And, you know, I listened to Living on the Edge. It's just so, so wonderful. And, you know, I've talked to my pastor and he just doesn't get it.
So I want you to know that I know I'll hear from God from you.
So I'm not happy and I know God wants me to be happy and I want to divorce my husband and my pastor says it's not God's will. Would you straighten him out?
So I asked a few questions. She had no grounds. for biblical divorce, and she wasn't happy. I said, ma'am, you know, this is kind of embarrassing. There's probably a lot of people listening.
Hopefully they don't know your voice. God's goal is not necessarily that you're always happy. If you can't be happy with Him, I'm going to guess you probably won't be happy with anyone else either. You need to obey God. You need to keep your commitments.
Divorce is not the answer. Click. The truth is God hates divorce and no marriage is beyond repair. If Jesus can raise the dead. He can certainly resurrect my marriage.
or yours. Malachi 2.16 says, The man who hates and divorces his wife, says the Lord, the God of Israel, does violence to the one he should protect. says the Lord Almighty.
So be on your guard. and do not be be unfaithful. And some at this point will rationalize, will chip. You don't understand. I don't have biblical grounds, but it's not an intimate marriage.
It's not very fulfilling. And there's conflict, and the kids are aware of it. And certainly, it's better that our children live in a more positive environment than this marriage that is so unfulfilling. You hear that all the time.
Well, researchers at the National Marriage Project have literally done the work and this is what the research says about that. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. A recent large-scale long-term study suggests otherwise. While it's found that parents' marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children's well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impact on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children of very high conflict or volatile homes where staying in the home.
Was a challenge or a negative influence. In lower conflict, marriages that end in divorce. The situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on these findings and study, therefore, except in the minority of high conflict marriages, it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce. That's not even the Bible.
That's just secular research. Stop making excuses. Stop pretending. Deal with your own issues. If you're doing great, you know, someone who's having a struggle.
Get this broadcast to them. And if you haven't yet got the cards so you can renew your mind and start doing what I've done, my wife did, and so many people have done to reframe your brain, your future, and your thinking about marriage. Let me encourage you, get these cards and get on board. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, the 50-50 lie, is from our series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family.
Well, Chip's back in the studio with me now, and Chip, you've talked a lot in this series about the fun experience you've had teaching a Young Marrieds class. What's been your biggest takeaway as you talk to these husbands?
Well Dave, you're right. My biggest aha. Was an eagerness. It was like, are you really saying that marriage is just one man, one woman? Are you really saying that divorce is not an option?
Are you really saying that the man can lead and cherish his wife and that a woman respects and even submits to her husband? Are you saying that God's word is the foundation of marriage? I taught all of that. And instead of pushback, I got all these young couples leaning in and going, My parents' marriage didn't work. My first marriage didn't work.
The world is crazy. Thank you. And I think part of this series. probably grew out of my excitement of realizing People aren't trying to do marriage God's way. In failing, They don't know God's way of how to do marriage.
This whole series is built around: let's give people something short and helpful. To identify the lies that they believe, the foundations that they can build on, and then a way to put it into practice that really builds strong marriages. And so we've created some brand new resources. It's called the Marriage That Works Truth Cards. And during this series, for those who choose to become monthly partners, we want to give you Marriage That Works truth cards as a way to say thanks, pray about partnering with us, and then follow God's lead.
Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us. And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, The Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingonthege.org or by calling 888-333-6003.
Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingontheedge.org. AppListeners Tap Donate.
Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Druy. Thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
