Hope Beyond "I Do": The Give-and-Take of Domestic Harmony, Part 2

A wedding ceremony is one thing, but a marriage, well, that's entirely different.

Any bride and groom will admit that the wedding is the easy part. The true test comes with time. Today on Insight for Living, Chuck Swindoll continues his classic series called Hope Again. We're looking at 1st Peter chapter 3 verses 1 through 7 for biblical advice on cultivating strong relationships between husbands and wives. With all the outside pressure on families today, it's important to understand the keys to building harmony in the home.

Chuck titled his message, Hope Beyond I Do. My thoughts in this message have to do with the give and take of domestic harmony. Washing down to chapter 3 verse 1, Peter comes to the subject at hand, the subject of marriage. First of all, wives, God says in this passage, verses 1 and 2, analyze your actions. In the same way, wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives, by the actions, by the conduct, by the behavior of their wives, as they, that is the husbands, observe your chaste and respectful behavior. You see, wives, you are not responsible for your husband's life.

You are responsible for your life. You cannot make your husband something he is not. Only God can do that. The second piece of advice is from verse 3, watch your adornment. Watch your adornment. In these verses, verses 3 and 4, Peter puts his finger on outer beauty, which is verse 3, and inner beauty, which is verse 4. Let's take the first one in verse 3, the outer beauty. Let not your adornment be external only, braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, and putting on dresses.

Now I'm grateful for the editors of our Bible who have added the word only. Before it was added, some preachers had the audacity to say that braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry and putting on dresses all fell in the category of being disobedient to God. I never could figure out how putting on dresses would be disobedient to God, by the way. I could understand how some would say braiding hair and wearing gold jewelry, but the verse does not say let not your adornment be external at all. It says let not your adornment be external only, only.

We would say even exclusively. Taken to an unrealistic extreme, ladies, you can really miss the mark in your external adornment. As a matter of fact, I have seen some ladies who think that it is that it is a mark of spirituality to sort of let themselves go. And they become plain and matronly and bland and little dowdy, kind of like a vanilla shadow.

That is not what God has in mind. But on the other hand, if externals get out of line, you will overemphasize the continued emphasis on your hair, on your accessories, on the dresses and gowns you wear. You will become preoccupied with nothing but your external adornment. In a little book entitled The Art of Understanding Your Mate, Cecil Osborn entitles one of his chapters Eight Types of Neurotic Wives. Now don't leave because I'm going to come along in a minute with eight types of neurotic husbands so you won't want to miss that. Among the neurotic wives listed by Cecil Osborn are these.

The overly dominant, the narcissistic, the adult infantile, the masculine protest wife, the martyr wife, the passive-aggressive wife, the jealous possessive wife, and the depressed wife. The second one called the narcissistic woman came to my mind when I read about this letting of the adornment be external only and I thought of this particular thing he wrote. A narcissistic person is one who has an inordinate self-love. She is unduly preoccupied with her face, her body, and often with her own interests which she perceives as an extension of herself. Women who are possessed of great beauty often have difficulty achieving emotional maturity. They become accustomed early in life to receiving compliments on their beauty.

It becomes their sole stock in trade. They have heard so often as children how beautiful they are that they come to feel the world owes them a continual stream of compliments. Self-centeredness, narcissism results.

They learn to expect praise as they're due and he goes on to describe that in pages that I'll not take the time to read. That's what the Apostle Peter is arguing against. Let not your emphasis fall on the external only.

Now don't go to the other extreme and think looking like an unmade bed is the answer either. The Apostle Peter is is reaching for balance not external only but to some extent the external is important. Let me admonish all of you who are married to keep in mind that your husband works around some extremely attractive women. It is terribly important that your husband be able to look forward to time with you and time of being with you for romantic occasions, evenings together, and maybe even some evenings out.

When you present to him a lovely attire, an adornment that is appealing and attractive. You can go to an extreme on it. That's nothing new. I came across a humorous little little tidbit in my study. These are the words of Clement of Alexandria dated 180 AD.

180 AD. Quote, many women these days build their hair high up on their heads. They don't touch it lest they disturb the balance.

Sleep comes with terror. Lest they should spoil their coiffure. Tell me times don't repeat themselves. Okay? Check your attitude is the third piece of advice. That's in verse four. It begins with a contrast if particle but. Verse three, let not your adornment be external only but, now the attitude, let the adornment include the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God.

Immediately we notice a contrast. Let your adornment be deep within. I would paraphrase it, a gentle tranquility. A secure calmness because you know who you are and you know who you adore and serve. The Lord Christ. Let the adornment include the hidden person of the heart. By the way I don't think it would take any of you ladies more than two or three hours to prepare yourself physically for the most elegant of evenings but you know it takes all your life to prepare the hidden person of the heart.

That's a lifetime task. Shortly after I moved to California I watched an unbelievable event happen. I was driving to a Los Angeles International from Fullerton which is as many of you know in California is about a 40-45 minute trip in the morning hours and in front of me was a couple.

He was driving. She was getting ready for work. She brought everything she needed to wear for the office. She got in the car with the nightgown on.

I suspect, I couldn't see, but there was a bit of a silhouette up there that began to go through all kinds of gyrations and motions. She put on her undergarments. She put on her dress. She put on her hose, her shoes. She put on her makeup and right when she finished her eyes they got to the place where they pulled off and she got out to go into the office.

I thought that's interesting. In 45 minutes, she's obviously done it before because she was very efficient, and in 45 minutes time she was ready for the office, but it's a lifetime task to develop the hidden person of the heart. Ladies and husbands, wives and husbands, we can spend a lot of our time teaching our girls how to dress and miss the importance of teaching them the value of the hidden person of the heart and the same for our fellows as well. Let's be careful about that.

Check your attitude. It's what I call real quality, true class, to have deep within your heart a gentle and quiet spirit. Now you say, oh my goodness, are we stepping back in the time tunnel? Is this old-fashioned? I mean do you realize how people value this kind of preaching today? Do you know how little I care how people value this kind of preaching today? My responsibility is to honor God with this passage, not to please any of you. My interest is to be accurate with the text, but I must point out that God evaluates it as imperishable and precious.

Don't miss that. He calls the quality of a gentle and quiet spirit imperishable and he puts a value on that as precious. You know where that word is used elsewhere in Peter's letter?

In chapter one, referring to the blood of Christ, which is the precious blood of Christ. Ladies, if you develop an attitude that is a gentle and quiet spirit, God says it becomes imperishable and he evaluates it as precious. I ask you, is it worth it? Is it worth the effort?

Is it worth the time? Significant words, imperishable and precious. After checking your attitude, the final piece of command, our final command, our counsel for the wife, is evaluate your attention.

Evaluate your attention. Look at verses five and six. For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who believed in, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves. Look at how he uses the word adorn for the inner as well as the outer person. The women of God in yesteryear used to adorn themselves in the same way, being submissive, cooperative, adaptive, unselfish, alongside their husbands.

In fact, he gives a special illustration. For thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. And you have become her children if you do what is right, without being frightened by any fear. You see the word obeyed in verse six, Sarah obeyed Abraham.

You know what a good paraphrase would be? She paid attention to him. She paid attention to him. She considered his needs. She cooperated with his wishes.

She adapted to his desires. If I could encourage you wives in one major area in this study, it would be to evaluate where you place most of your attention as a married woman. And I say that even to you who have multiple children.

And I understand that. It is easy in the press of caring for the constant needs of children to put the needs of a husband on hold. That is often where there begins to be a breakdown in a marital relationship. By the way, you don't have anything to be worried about.

It says here you don't have any reason of being frightened by any fear. Believe what God says. Now, I've hardly been able to wait to speak to husbands because I have felt some chests popping out and buttons coming off and thinking, bruising your elbow with jabs to your wife to listen. Now it's your turn, men. And even though you get one verse, there are three powerful commands to the husband in this seventh verse. Notice very carefully, you husbands, likewise.

Aha, likewise. Now if connectives are important, and they are, and if the context is submission, and it is, then I sense in the likewise there is an equal responsibility on our part regarding the reciprocal actions to our mates. You expect a wife to fall in line with the truth of these first six verses. She has every reason to expect you to fall in line with the seventh verse, which is specifically addressed to you. And it's very unusual for a verse of scripture to be addressed directly to a wife or directly to a husband.

This is one of them. You husbands, the first command, live with your wife. Now you think, my goodness, of course. I'm married to her. Of course I'm living with her.

It has nothing to do with what Peter had in mind. This word translated live means to dwell together, to be at home with, to be at home with. It conveys a close togetherness for which you, husbands, and I are responsible. It isn't the wife's task to develop the togetherness of the home. It is the husband's job. It isn't the wife's role to make sure things are kept harmonious. It's the husband's job. That's part of being at home with the wife, to be completely at home with, understanding the needs of the home, and being sensitive to the woman God has given you. And right away I move to the second command, know your wife. See verse seven, husbands, likewise, be at home with your wives. It says in an understanding way, the Greek text reads, according to knowledge.

Be at home with your wife according to knowledge. It's not a reference to academic knowledge, not that. It's not even a reference to general knowledge. You say, well I know my wife, brown hair, blue eyes, weight, height. I know what she likes for supper. I know where she likes to go for dinner.

It's not that kind of knowledge. Anybody knows that about your wife. You have nothing special on any other man who would spend a few minutes with your wife and could find those things out. Your wife is a unique vessel, carefully and beautifully put together like a lovely piece of tapestry.

It is your task as the husband and the task of no one else on this earth to know the threads that make up her tapestry, to know the deep, deep needs in her makeup, her unspoken concerns, her dread fears, to assist her in working through some of these things, to support her and to be sensitive to her and to give her a sense of security and purpose and belonging. That's all part of knowledge. There's no handbook.

Not even the father-in-law can give you that book when he marries his daughter off to you. You have to find it out. It takes time. It takes listening. It takes attention.

It does. And most wives who are walking closely with God will not fight you for that. They will simply long for it.

Some of them die longing for it. Few things are more secure for a woman than knowing her husband really knows her. That's what makes up intimacy. That's what adds beauty to a romance. That's what keeps her clinging, and I mean that in the right sense, longing to have you there, delighting in your presence, your words, your listening ear. In fact, there's a little section here that says, living with your wife in an understanding way as with a weaker vessel.

Whoo! I can hear the alarms going off already when some wives read that. And I don't believe it has in mind weakness of character.

It certainly doesn't have in mind weakness of determination. I was not too far away from my daughter who gave birth to her second child, our fourth grandchild, on the 8th of November. And I had a whole new appreciation for the role of a mother.

And I gave God thanks that I am not a mother. I tell you, very courageously she went through that. But when it comes to which sex is stronger, I came across interesting piece from Dr. Robert Kurland, who is the orthopedic surgeon and sports medicine specialist for the California, a consultant for the California Angels, the Los Angeles Kings, the Lakers, and the Rams. You ought to know what he's talking about. And he, in an article in the LA Times dated June 23, 1988, he co-authored this piece. And in it he does a pretty good case for the fact that indeed physically the male is stronger.

If the battle of the sexes was reduced to a tug of war with a line of 100 men on one side of the trench and 100 women on the other, the men would win. And he describes why that is true. He describes the muscle makeup. He describes the formation of the body.

He describes the tissue, that is fat tissue and muscle tissue. And I won't take the time, but he does a pretty thorough work, the simple fact that it's true. Remember the word in verse seven? Likewise. Submitting to the Lord Jesus Christ, husbands, submitting your will to him, giving him your selfishness, not demanding of your wife more than is fair play. Yes, there is hope beyond I do, which is the title of today's message from Chuck Swindoll. By all means, don't miss the next edition of Insight for Living when Chuck concludes this practical presentation with a testimony from a friend. You'll love hearing how God redeemed a marriage from the brink of disaster with his love and grace.

This is message number seven in a 17 part teaching series from Chuck. It's titled Hope Again, When Life Hurts and Dreams Fade. If you'd like to learn more about this ministry, visit us online at insight world.org. Well, if you're struggling with your marriage relationship, please know you're not alone. There is hope for you. We know this is true because we often hear from men and women who tell us their stories of recovery. I'm thinking of this comment we received from a listener in New England that said, Chuck, as a young couple, we were struggling terribly in our marriage when we found Insight for Living on the radio in Boston. You were presenting your teaching series on marriage.

We know this was used of God to save our marriage from falling apart. We just celebrated our 50th anniversary, and we thank God and Chuck Swindoll for being there when we needed the help. Wow, that is so encouraging. And you know, when you partner with Insight for Living, you are playing a significant role in restoring relationships like this one.

Here's Chuck. Thank you, Bill. I was astounded to see an encouraging report from one of our staff members here at Insight for Living Ministries.

I learned, for instance, that last year, our website had over 13 million page views, and those visitors represented 194 countries. That's just incredible. Here's another. Our radio program, Insight for Living, was aired 12,737 times each week.

And here's one more. Did you know that Insight for Living Ministries ministers in nine different languages, under the direction of 12 seminary-trained field pastors? All of these efforts fall beneath the banner of Vision 195, which is to make disciples of Jesus Christ in all 195 countries of the world.

Well, those are just a few snapshots from our photo album we put together last year. But we're coming up on a deadline. On June 30, Insight for Living will conclude another ministry year. And as such, I'm compelled to invite you to join us in another all-out effort to provide the daily program and all its ministries well into the future. Through every channel, Insight for Living serves as a safe harbor for people to escape their struggles and receive God's hope.

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Again, that's 800-772-8888. Or give online at insight.org. Thank you so much for your generous support. I'm Bill Meyer, inviting you to join us next time when Chuck Swindoll describes what he calls the give and take of domestic harmony on Insight for Living. The preceding message, Hope Beyond I Do, The Give and Take of Domestic Harmony, was copyrighted in 1988, 1990, 1996, 2006, and 2010. And the sound recording was copyrighted in 2011 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights are reserved worldwide. Duplication of copyrighted material for commercial use is strictly prohibited.