Hope Beyond "I Do": The Give-and-Take of Domestic Harmony, Part 1

When a groom stands before an audience and watches his bride come down the aisle, he doesn't have a clue about the immeasurable joy ahead for his life. Nor does he have any idea about the intense relational trials coming. Today on Insight for Living, Chuck Swindoll teaches from one of the most familiar passages in the Bible for husbands and wives. And over the next few days, we hope to gain a whole new appreciation for the wisdom contained in these Spirit-inspired words.

Chuck titled today's message, Hope Beyond I Do. A wedding is one thing, but a marriage is something else entirely. What a difference between the way things start in a home and the way they continue. You who are married are smiling right now. Marriage begins like a romantic moonlight sleigh ride, smoothly gliding over the glistening snow.

Doesn't that sound great? It's living together after that honeymoon that turns out to be rough backpacking across rocks and hot sand. For two people to live in domestic harmony takes a lot of give and take. If you need any confirmation of that outside your own home, just look at the statistics.

No, better still, don't look at the statistics. Just look around you, like on your job, at the office, maybe around your neighborhood, even at church. It's a litany of broken marriages and separations, divorces and fractured homes, all kinds of convoluted relationships.

Some children have so many step-parents they can't keep track of all of them. Peter describes this in a very interesting way in the third chapter of 1 Peter, the first seven verses. I want you to listen closely to his words as I read them to you. He addresses first the wives, and then he offers words of counsel to husbands. I'm reading from 1 Peter 3, beginning at verse 1. In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external, braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. And you have become her children if you do what is right, without being frightened by any fear.

You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. You're listening to Insight for Living. To dig deeper into the Bible with Chuck Swindoll, be sure to download his Searching the Scriptures studies by going to insight.org slash studies. And now the message from Chuck titled Hope Beyond I Do. We're studying the book of 1 Peter on Sunday evenings, and we want to take up this evening where we left off last time. And because of that, I would like to invite you to turn to the third chapter of this little letter that Peter wrote. Peter is the one who was once the fisherman who was called by Jesus from the nets as Jesus invited him to become a fisher of men. Little did Peter ever realize that his future held for him not only a strong leadership role in the early church in the first century, but he would be a contributor of all things to the Bible.

The first and second letters that bear his name over here toward the end of the New Testament. Now interestingly in our study today, we come to a seven verse section in this little letter that has to do with marriage. It has to do with the role of the wife who knows and loves the Lord, and the role of the husband who knows and loves the Lord. A wedding is one thing, a marriage is something else entirely. It's amazing what a difference a few years make from a night of absolute ecstasy and marvelous memories, from soft candles and beautiful music and the presence of a minister and an altar and organ music and family and friends and the joy of the honeymoon that follows. There then is a new road that is taken by this couple called marriage. It's quite a bit different from the wedding night.

Joe Aldridge in his book Secrets to Inner Beauty writes this, one of the most clever Volkswagen ads shows an impeccable little car with a flat tire, and the caption reads nobody's perfect. When two imperfect people fall in love, strange things happen. Logic and rationality go out the window. Blindness sets in. Overcome with ecstatic paralysis, they float away on their cloud built for two. Marriage, however, has a way of ending this glowing period of simulated perfection.

Where two or more are gathered together, someone is going to have a flat tire. It doesn't take long for the newlyweds to discover that everything in one person nobody's got. They soon learn that a marriage license is just a learner's permit, and they ask with agony, is there life after marriage? An old Arab proverb states that marriage begins with a prince kissing an angel and ends with a ball-headed man looking across the table at a fat lady. Socrates once told his students, by all means marry. If you get a good wife, twice blessed you will be.

If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher. My thoughts in this message have to do with the give and take of domestic harmony. If you do not know me, then you have no way of knowing this, so I need to clarify that I am a realist. I am not an idealist.

I've been married 33 and a half years and they have been years of learning and growth, years of difficulty and years of ecstasy, years of delight and discovery, years of heartache and hardship, years of having children, some years of losing children before they're born, years of growing together, and I must confess some days in which it seemed we were growing apart. So I'm not coming at this passage from the viewpoint of one who has not been married or is trying to talk anyone into it. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever in my life even attempted to talk anyone into marriage. I've talked many people out of it. Because I believe if you can talk couples out of it, they shouldn't get married.

But if you can't keep them from one another and it seems as though it is wise for them to become one, then we all know they need all the help they can get. Now this little gem of truth, tucked away in the heart of the letter, is like a diamond in a ring. The diamond alone would sort of wash around and get lost and lose its beauty. But in its right setting, it is an absolute gem.

It is a thing of sparkling delight. And this setting, this ring in which the diamond of the passage is found is called the context. One of the basic rules of good Bible study is always integrate with the context. Never take a verse and lift it from its setting and make a whole message out of it regardless of what appears around it. That's not only poor Bible study that will lead you to heresy before long. So the context of this third chapter, verses 1 to 7, goes all the way back to chapter 2 verse 13. So if you have your Bible open, look back at 1 Peter 2 verse 13. Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evil doers. Verse 15, for such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the ignorance of foolish men. So that little section talks about submitting to governmental authorities, not leading an insurrection, not marching against the White House, not assaulting the government thinking that that is the best way as citizens of heaven we can declare our life and our lifestyle.

Now we've looked at this before so there's no reason to go any further into it. Verse 18 may shock you. Chapter 2 verse 18 addresses slaves. And in the first century it was never the design of God to lead slaves out of slavery. In fact, verse 18 says, be submissive to your masters.

Now already I sense a resistance from some of you because it is not in the American mind to be in slavery to anyone. But this isn't American theology. This is biblical theology. This isn't truth written by some grand American. This is truth written through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit designed for an altogether different reason than you and I may have in writing today.

So let's let it say what it says. Servants, you be submissive to your masters with all respect not only to those who are good and gentle but also to those who are unreasonable. What a strange piece of advice. You and I probably without hesitation would say to someone who is working for an unreasonable superior, get out of that.

You don't need that. But that's not God's counsel here. And as an illustration of his counsel, verse 21 he says, you've been called for this purpose. Since Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in his steps.

In what way? Verse 22, he committed no sin. Nor was any deceit found in his mouth. While being reviled, Christ on the cross did not revile in return.

He uttered no threats while suffering. He kept entrusting himself to him who judges righteously. So the context of 1 Peter 3, 1-7 is living within a situation that is unfair and sometimes unbearable. Washing down to chapter 3 verse 1, Peter comes to the subject at hand, the subject of marriage.

And he says, in the same way, now that's a very interesting connective, in the same way as whom? In the same way as Christ, chapter 2 verse 21. In the same way as servants, chapter 2 verse 18.

In the same way as citizens in a country, chapter 2 verse 13. Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your own husbands. That word needs to be analyzed.

We've done it, so let me do it quickly once again. It is the Greek word hupotaso. It means to fall in rank under the authority of another. It carries with it the idea of subjecting oneself to another for the purpose of pleasing the other person. It has in mind even the idea of obeying.

Now when I say that, I smile because I know this is probably the hottest potato I could handle in a gathering of men and women, especially women who have been ripped off in their marriage. And some who have not left their husbands and are currently living in an unreasonable state of affairs. Last time we were together I talked about the extremes of this and I want you to know that I do not believe Peter or any other part of scripture admonishes the wife to stay in a situation where her health is being threatened, or her life is being threatened, or that of her children. That is beyond the teaching of scripture. That is not what submission is all about.

So please don't run to that extreme and hide there thinking you can give up the importance of submission, therefore, in every other area or every other level. Let's just let the scripture speak for itself and let me see if I can unravel these verses, not that they need that, but in some of your minds they may seem confusing, and let me see what I can do with these for the next few minutes. And by the way, I have a very interesting conclusion for you in this message, which will be surprising and perhaps one time only.

So you can look forward to that for the next few minutes. First of all, I think God in these first six verses offers wise counsel to the wives by giving four pieces of advice. If you want to write them down, fine.

If you don't, that's fine. Just listen carefully. And I want not only the wives to listen, I want the husbands to listen as well. And you who are not married, what great preparation for your future if God happens to have marriage in his plans for you. First of all, wives, God says in this passage, verses one and two, analyze your actions.

Analyze your actions. In the same way, wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives, by the actions, by the conduct, by the behavior of their wives as they, that is, the husbands observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Now, the tendency on the part of many wives is to think, sure, I'll be that kind of wife, I'll be the kind of wife I should be as long as he's going to be the husband he should be.

That sounds great. Turnabouts is fair play. There's only one problem. The passage isn't written to wives who have husbands who play fair. The passage is written to wives whose husbands are disobedient to the word. Or I'm misreading verse one. In fact, this paragraph is written precisely to people who live with disobedient mates, mates who are going their own way, mates who care little about the things of God, husbands who would even mock the things of Christ, husbands who have no place in their minds for spiritual truth.

They are the ones who are disobedient to the word. Now, the great tendency, ladies, is for you to substitute manipulation for a quiet spirit, pouting or sulking or scheming or bargaining or nagging or preaching or embarrassing or forcing, but wives who are obedient to the truth take the truth for what it says. You see, wives, you are not responsible for your husband's life.

You are responsible for your life. You cannot make your husband something he is not. Only God can do that.

I think it was Ruth Graham who said a number of years ago, it is my job to love Billy. It is God's job to make him good. Wives, it is your job to love your husbands. It is God's job to change his life.

Well, it sounds like a dead-end street, Chuck, as I hear you say that and if you only knew what I was living with, you would know what a rascal, you would know what a reprobate, you'd know what an unbelieving man I'm married to, but you're not married to a blind man. Verse 2 tells you, they will observe your chaste and respectful actions. Notice the word observe. It is a word for keen and careful observation. It's not a casual glance. They will observe that your reactions are not normal, ordinary or expected.

They will observe that. William Barkley calls this the silent preaching of a lovely life. By the way, this submission is not a cringing, spineless submission based on fear which are signs of insecurity. This is a voluntary unselfishness. This is a willing and cooperative spirit. This is seeking the highest good of a husband who doesn't deserve it.

That's what it is. Analyze your actions. You know your actions and you may be right on target. You may not be.

Analyze your actions. The second piece of advice is from verse 3. Watch your adornment. Watch your adornment. In these verses, verses 3 and 4, Peter puts his finger on outer beauty which is verse 3 and inner beauty which is verse 4. Let not your adornment be external only, braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry and putting on dresses. Now I'm grateful for the editors of our Bible who have added the word only. The verse does not say let not your adornment be external at all. It says let not your adornment be external only, verse 4. But let the adornment include the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God. It's a sensitive topic and a compelling passage of scripture in 1 Peter chapter 3. You're listening to Insight for Living and the first portion of Chuck Swindoll's message Hope Beyond I Do. There's much more teaching ahead and Chuck's in the studio to share a closing comment in just a moment, so please stay with us. If you'd like to learn more about this ministry, visit us online at insightworld.org.

Bear in mind that while you're listening today, you're joined with fellow listeners around the world. Many of them are just learning about God's design for marriage for the very first time. Apart from the Bible, there's no official handbook for marriage and God is using Insight for Living to cultivate healthy relationships. We know this is true because we often hear from grateful couples. Their transformational stories are made possible in part because people like you give voluntary donations. And if you're among those who give, let me encourage you with a comment we received. This person said, Chuck, I was having a really bad time in my marriage.

I was staring down the barrel of divorce. Your broadcast every morning helped me to weather the storm, to be patient and wait on the Lord. Chuck, it took two years and we're headed to a much stronger relationship. I am so grateful that I listened. I'm grateful you were there.

Thank you so much. Well, this listener gave gratitude to Chuck, but it really belongs to those who partner with us. God is the one who changes lives, but He invites us to play a critical role in broadcasting the truth. Here's Chuck.

Thanks, Bill. When Jesus warned us that life would bring trials and tribulations, He wasn't kidding, was He? Most of us have endured tough seasons that prove His assertion. When we ignore their gravity, tribulations can take us to desperate places. For instance, our doubts seem to escalate when our suffering is prolonged. Furthermore, an extended season of pain and suffering creates a pathway that leads to hopelessness. And nothing is more devastating than losing hope. You see, the human heart craves hope. In fact, frankly, we die without it. For these reasons and many more, we take great pleasure in sharing the life-giving hope of Jesus Christ. And friends like you proclaim that hope with us. Well, right now we're looming near the conclusion of another ministry year.

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Thank you so much for your generous gifts. We look forward to hearing from you soon. I'm Bill Meyer, inviting you to join us next time when Chuck Swindoll continues to describe The Give and Take of Domestic Harmony on Insight for Living. The preceding message, Hope Beyond I Do, The Give and Take of Domestic Harmony, was copyrighted in 1988, 1990, 1996, 2006, and 2010. And the sound recording was copyrighted in 2011 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights are reserved worldwide. Duplication of copyrighted material for commercial use is strictly prohibited.