Do You Really Know Your Child?, Part 1

While it's true that children often carry their parents' physical traits, such as the color of their eyes or the manner in which they walk, it's not so with their personalities. Every child is uniquely crafted by God with temperaments all their own.

Today on Insight for Living, Chuck Swindoll continues his brand new series called Restoring Your Family's Foundation. In this study, we'll search the Bible to see what God says about tailoring our approach to suit every member of the family. Chuck titled today's message, Do You Really Know Your Child? Any series on the family would certainly include some messages on children and the whole process of rearing children God's way, which is often surprising to us because the truth be told, very few have been reared God's way.

Not said to be in any way critical of your parents or mine, the fact is most of them simply didn't know. Just as I could say, many of you may have never made a study of how to rear your children as God planned for them to be reared. So we'll get into that today from the book of Proverbs, a book of wisdom. If you have your Bible with you, I'd like you to turn to chapter 20, and I'll read several excerpts from the Proverbs.

We won't cover all of them, but several of them we will. Proverbs 20, verse 11 will be the starting point. I'll be reading this today from the new American Standard Version of the Bible. Proverbs 20, 11. It is by his deeds that a boy distinguishes himself if his conduct is pure and right. The hearing ear and the seeing eye, the Lord has made both of them.

Turn ahead to 22, 6. Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he grows older, he will not abandon it. And again, chapter 24, verses 3 and 4. By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

And finally, 29, 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. You're listening to Insight for Living.

To dig deeper into the Bible with Chuck Swindoll, be sure to download his Searching the Scriptures studies by going to insight.org slash studies. And now the message from Chuck titled, Do You Really Know Your Child? Mark Twain offered a homespun philosophy of rearing children on one occasion. He wrote this, things run along pretty smoothly until your kid reaches 13. That's the time you need to stick them in a barrel, hammer the lid down nice and snug, and feed them through the knothole. And when he turned 16, plug up the knothole. As much as I appreciate the writings of Mark Twain, I'm afraid he didn't know much about rearing children. Though he certainly must have written that with tongue in cheek. Since when, since when is any mom or dad able to ever get a 13 year old into a barrel and hammer the lid down on top?

And when could we ever feed one through a knothole? Every 13 year old I know can empty a refrigerator in 20 minutes on any occasion. And by the way, while I'm at it, things don't run along real smoothly until the kid turns 13.

Since when did that start happening? Sometimes those are, well, some of the most difficult and I might even add tragic years in a family's life, including the children. Here are a few grim statistics. The number one killer of children under age five is not crib death or accidents or some dreadful disease. It's child abuse. Two thirds of all child abuse occurs with children under age four. In fact, abuse is the second leading cause of death among children between birth and age 12. And those are the ones that are reported. Think of the many that never get reported.

That's enough grim statistics for a while. How much better to turn our attention to what we can do to restore relationships in our families? What we can do to get to know our children as well as we possibly can, for the fact is we don't know them. So where do we start?

The answer is clear and concise. It's not complicated. It all begins with ground zero, Proverbs 22, verse six. Before I read that verse and dissect it as best I can, let me encourage you not to think that just because you have conceived and carried your child nine months, given birth to, or adopted your boy or girl, that you therefore know your child. You don't.

You can't. For nine months the Lord has been building into your child things you're not even aware of. You can nurse your child and feed your child well and clothe the child and bathe and teach certain skills and even discipline fairly and play games with and educate carefully.

And then finally release your child at the altar to marry someone of her choice and never really know that child. It takes time. It takes openness. It takes careful, sensitive observation over years. Diligent study of the child and of course lots of prayer. Prayer for wisdom, for discernment, for understanding.

When you invest yourself in all of that, you're well on your way to getting to know your child. This biblical ground zero, I'm calling it here in Proverbs 22 six, will help us begin in the right place. But I need to warn you, chances are good you've never been taught correctly what the verse is saying.

For example, the common interpretation goes something like this. When we retrain up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it, we think it means be sure your child is in Sunday school and church regularly. Make certain that he or she memorizes a number of verses of scripture, learns the Ten Commandments, respects the Golden Rule, learns a number of the great hymns and even memorizes some prayers. Send that child to Christian camps each summer and if at all possible either homeschool or enroll your child in a good strong Christian school taught by Christian teachers who know the Bible and will base their teaching on the Bible. Since he or she is going to rebel when they reach that strange age of rebellion when each child seems to sow its wild oats, he's going to depart from the things he's learned but when he's old and wrinkled and maybe 60, 70 years of age you'll return to the things you taught him. Stop.

What kind of a promise is that? That doesn't bring relief, encouragement or hope. Furthermore, if I may, much of what I just said isn't true. There's no magic in coming to church, going to Sunday school, being sent to summer camp or going even to a Christian school or being homeschooled by well-meaning parents. You and I know that as soon as they break out of that, I'm going to call it what it is, out of that hothouse setting, they turn to a rebellion and many of them never turn back to God. Some die in that state of rebellion. Furthermore, to make matters worse, that's not what this verse means. That's a wrong interpretation.

All of that is external. Allow me to dissect the verse as carefully as I can and then when I've finished offer a general paraphrase that takes a whole different perspective and gives you a new way to look at these words. Let's start with train up. Train up a child. This is derived from a Hebrew term that means pallet or roof of the mouth. Back in the era of King Solomon, the time when Proverbs were written, this particular term in Hebrew was used mainly in two ways. It was used for breaking a wild horse where a leather strap was placed in the mouth of the horse and the one riding the horse to break it is hanging onto these leather straps and this, we call it a bridle, helps in the process of doing so.

Bringing the horse under control and into submission ultimately. The second and more relevant way the term is used is to describe the action of a midwife as she would hold a tiny newborn in her arms. She would dip the tip of her finger into a small pool of crushed grapes or dates and then reach into the mouth of the infant and massage the pallet or the gums of the infant, encouraging a sucking response.

Franz Delisch, one of the older German commentators and reliable one, says this has its roots in, it has Arabic roots rather than Hebrew in its basic form. It's believed back then to have served as a cleansing agent and the result would also be to create a thirst for the mother's milk. Remember those words, create a thirst. We'll leave that for a moment and take on a child. Train up a child. Immediately most of us think of one who is between birth and ages four, five, six, along there, a little child. But it's much broader, this Hebrew term translated child. It's used of a newborn infant in 1 Samuel 4 21.

Stay with me. The same term is used of a child that has just been weaned. 1 Samuel 1 27, the boy Samuel before he was taken to be given to the priest, Eli. Child is the word used. It's also used of a boy in preteen years in Genesis 21 16, referring to Ishmael, the son of Hagar. It's used of a 17 year old youth, in fact it's translated in our English Bible youth of Joseph in Genesis 37 2. Same Hebrew word, child, translated there youth. And interestingly it's also used of a young adult of marital age, Genesis 34 19.

Now why have I walked you through all these verses? So that you will see that this refers to a child that covers all ages, including youth, adolescents, and even young adulthood, while still under the roof of the parents. So we never stop the training, or it isn't just training for little children. This is training that works in the lives of teenagers, those going through those transitional years of becoming more and more mature. It covers infancy through young adulthood. It's during all of those years while they're under our roof that we're to be engaged as parents in the training of our children. Cultivating a thirst for spiritual things, developing an appetite within the child for that which is right and good and wholesome. Even helping to shape their will and bring it into submission. You see, if it doesn't happen in the home, we leave at the altar a strong willed adult woman or man as a bride or groom. Because we as parents did not deal with the will of the child.

I'll get into more of that next time. I just want you to see the breadth of the word child. Now this may seem to say to you that there's no individuality here. That all children ought to be trained the same way, and while I'm at it I can just hear parents thinking, I know the way. Because I'm the parent and he or she is the child. And I know how I was raised and I'm going to raise mine just like I was raised. Wrong.

Wrong. As a matter of fact, Proverbs 22 6 teaches quite the opposite. This verse is not about you or me. It's about a child. It's about adapting our training to the child's way.

In fact, the Hebrew statement reads, train up a child according to his way. Not your way. Stay with me. Stay open.

Keep listening. Train up a child according to his way. In fact, Charles Rari in the footnote of the New American Standard Bible mentions that literally the verse is saying, according to his way.

What does that mean? It means that each child comes into our home either by actual birth or adoption with a definite, predescribed way given by God. Shaped while first in the womb. That way includes inclinations, interests, characteristics that are unique to that child.

Even in a family of multiple children, each child comes with a unique set of gifts or bents. The Amplified Bible reads it as such. Train up a child according to his way, that is according to his own individual gifts or bents. God put them there during those nine months he or she was being formed in the womb of the mother.

That's the way of a child. See that term in your Bible, way? It's from the Hebrew term, derek, D-E-R-E-K, derek. It appears four times in two verses of Proverbs 30, 18 and 19. If you have your Bible open, you can turn with me and read along.

Proverbs 30, 18 and 19 say this. There are three things which are too wonderful for me, four which I do not understand. The way of an eagle, derek, the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a serpent on a rock, way, derek. Same term, the way of a serpent on a rock. Third, the way of a ship in the middle of the sea, derek, the way of a ship in the sea.

And fourth, the way, derek, the way of a man with a maid. Think on those four examples for a moment. Ponder them. There's something beautifully unique about an eagle in flight. And if you're ever in an area where eagles fly, you find yourself captured by that flight. You can hardly take your eyes off of it.

It's like no other fowl in flight. It has its own unique characteristics, inclinations, abilities. The same is true of a serpent on a rock. You don't just glance at a serpent and look away, you stare at it. You're intrigued by it, especially if you're standing on the same rock. There's something about the slithering, slippery serpent moving on a rock that holds your attention.

It's like no other reptile. The way of a serpent on a rock. And then if you're ever at sea and a large ship passes or is coming toward you, you don't simply glance at it and look elsewhere. You watch it.

You study it as it goes by. You're intrigued by it. There's something about a ship at sea that has its own unique look and characteristics. Our children are as different as eagles are different from serpents.

And as different as large ships at sea are different from the intimate ways a man is with his wife. You're listening to Insight for Living and a brand new teaching series from Chuck Swindoll. It's called Restoring Your Family's Foundation. If you'd like to learn more, remember that every sermon you hear on Insight for Living is complemented by Chuck's online study notes. We call this free Bible study tool Searching the Scriptures Studies.

To take a deeper look at Proverbs 22 and the other passages that Chuck mentioned, go to insightworld.org slash studies. Look for the series called Restoring Your Family's Foundation. And then Chuck also wrote a book for moms, dads, grandparents or anybody like an aunt or uncle who loves the family. It's called Parenting from Surviving to Thriving. You'll enjoy reading the biblical wisdom that Chuck offers in the uplifting style you've come to expect from him. And this book would make a thoughtful gift for young parents as well. To purchase a copy of Chuck Swindoll's book, Parenting from Surviving to Thriving, go to insight.org slash store. Or call us.

If you're listening in the United States, call 800-772-8888. In the early days, perhaps you remember listening to Chuck's teaching when your kids were quite young. You didn't have a lot of financial resources back then. You were just trying to make ends meet.

But years have passed and the picture has changed for you. We invite you to give generously so that young families will benefit from Chuck's teaching, just as you did. You can give a donation online at insight.org. Or call us.

If you're listening in the United States, call 800-772-8888. You know, we often hear from listeners who tell us they recall hearing Chuck's teaching in the car on their way to school with a mom or dad who enjoyed Insight for Living. Maybe that's you. Those comments encourage us because they demonstrate the multi-generational impact of Insight for Living. And we'd love to hear your story, too. So connect with us online at insight.org. Or let us know you're listening by calling us. If you're listening in the United States, call 800-772-8888. I'm Bill Meyer. Chuck Swindoll continues his message called Do You Really Know Your Child? Next time on Insight for Living. The preceding message, Do You Really Know Your Child?, was copyrighted in 2022 and 2023, and the sound recording was copyrighted in 2023 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights are reserved worldwide. Duplication of copyrighted material for commercial use is strictly prohibited.