Caring Enough to Confront, Part 2

How should we respond when someone offends us?

First of all, we need to model Jesus' teachings. If we're going to be a church, we need to do what church people ought to do. If you have someone who offends you, the very best thing you can do is privately talk with that individual and make every attempt to make things right. How should we handle those terribly awkward moments when someone sins against us? What's the biblical process for making things right? Turn the other cheek? Love them without judgment? Or should we address the offense head-on? Today on Insight for Living, Chuck Swindoll is teaching from Matthew chapter 18, where we find the quintessential passage on making things right with those who offend us.

Looking the other way serves no one, and shooting our wounded isn't helpful either. Gratefully, God has provided a rational healing process. Chuck titled his message, Caring Enough to Confront. One of the great things about working your way through the Bible verse by verse, you come upon sections that could easily be overlooked because they're complicated, or they are contradictory in the minds of people, not in the scriptures, or they are complicated, and you're able to go through them and explain them. Often the world of the expositor is unenviable in that you can't skip from one to another because there are always a few in the congregation who say, you didn't go over verses 15 through 20 when we were in Matthew 18. So today we will.

Hopefully we'll come away with an understanding of what Jesus taught. Before we pray, I want you to think about someone who has wronged you, but you have not yet forgiven them. Right now you're holding a grudge.

When you think of them, wrong things get into your mind, and as a result, the bridge of a relationship is broken down. You didn't want that to begin with, and now that's what's happened. Ask the Lord to open your heart to what might be a better way to handle it than you may have done.

On the other hand, you may have handled it correctly, and it simply was not to be, and we'll see how to handle that as well. Let's pray together. Thank you, Father, for addressing life as it is, not so much as we would wish it to be, but as it is. Not only are we dealing with others who are sinful, we ourselves are just as sinful. Not only are others often stubborn, we are often stubborn.

And not only do we on occasion find it necessary privately to talk to someone about an offense, there are times when others find it necessary to speak with us about our being offensive. So with the shoe fitting both feet, may we realize you're talking to each one of us, and may we come away with an understanding of direction of how we should go. Remind us of the psalmist's words, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.

I will guide you with my eye on you. Do not be stubborn, but be ready to change. Thank you, Father, that the words of friends are often difficult to hear, but though they wound, they are faithful. They bring about changes that are necessary.

Finding us a willingness to change when we are confronted with those things that are inappropriate and even inexcusable. Thank you, Father, for our model Jesus who went to the cross bearing all of our sins and never once holding back, but giving himself fully on our behalf at the cross, at the cross where we first saw the light. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness to your word. May that be seen again today as truth is set forth and ultimately as minds are changed and lives as well. Use our gifts, our Father, in a special way as you will use the food that's been prepared to feed the starving children.

And remind us that as the money leaves our hands that it is being used appropriately. It is being handled with integrity and for your greater glory. We commit the offering to you now as we commit our prayer to you in the name of Christ our Savior.

Everyone sin. Amen. You're listening to Insight for Living.

To study the book of Matthew with Chuck Swindoll, be sure to download his Searching the Scriptures studies by going to insightworld.org slash studies. And now the message from Chuck titled Caring Enough to Confront. An unaccountable life is not worth living because your life is running off the rails.

You don't even know it. You don't have enough brains in yourself and I don't have enough brains in myself to know when I'm getting too near the edge. So I need warnings from friends who love me and from a wife who cares for me. From individuals who see I'm going too close to the edge. This needs, you need to give attention to this because in healthy relationships where you're accountable you welcome them. The ideal, let me add this before we get to Matthew 18, is a mentor. One of the reasons we love mentors is that they have the ability to point out those areas in our lives that that need attention and they're blind spots to us.

We're not aware that we're doing this or saying this or that what we're doing or saying makes people uncomfortable. When I'm with an individual who has got those rough edges I always know he or she has not been mentored. When I'm with one who knows those areas I know they've been mentored. So faithful are the wounds of a mentor.

Hopefully you can look back over your life and name two or three even now I hope you have one or two still has the right to walk into your life talk with you about things that are very personal and private. Handle them sensitively. Now then, we come to Matthew chapter 18. I don't want to forget this so I want to say it on the front end though it's a little bit out of order. Carrying out much of this when it's done correctly is done with tears. This isn't easily done. It is done often with sadness.

You're sensitive about bringing this up but you know what needs to be addressed and so you can sometimes have to fight back the tears because you feel deeply about it. Now let's see what Jesus teaches. Here we are in a confrontation situation.

A person has wronged you. Verse 15, if another believer sins against you watch closely you'll learn exactly what to do. Forget what you were told by the world system. Forget the habits you formed when you were in the military. Forget the way you grew up in the streets and you learned the hard way. Forget the bad habits of when you ran roughshod over people. Listen to what Jesus is teaching.

Be willing to follow his leading. Someone says again, go privately. Privately. You don't do it in front of the Bible study group. You don't do it in front of the family. You don't do it with a group of even group of Christians. You go privately.

One on one. That's what that means. Go privately and point out the offense. Meaning what? Meaning you specify what it is that hurt you because you want to make it right. You want there to be a bridge. You want to have a relationship and because that offense broke down part of that bridge you want to build it back. So you're coming halfway in your bridge building process. Hopefully your listening friend will build his part or her part back toward you. Look at this. You point out the offense.

Watch. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. There you go.

It's a great goal. The ultimate goal is restoration and you've restored. There was a breakdown of communication. You no longer have a reason to hold a grudge. You no longer think less of the person. In fact, you remember with delight the blending and the healing of the wound.

Okay? In fact, it says further the other person listens and confesses you have won that person back. But there may not be an acknowledgment from the other side. You've had that happen.

So have I. What do we do then? Jesus tells us if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you. Take one or two others with you and go back again so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. Now we're not teaming up on the person.

We're not trying to corner them. But having another two or three people with you verifies the reality of the wrong. Chances are good the person has done wrong to others as well in the same way. So you've got someone there or two or three others and it's based on Deuteronomy 19, 15, where you take others when you go back and deal with this situation. Now it may not be successful. Jesus being a realist goes further and now you go with one or two others and hopefully that person will hear the other two with you and will acknowledge that wrong has been done. But that may not be successful. If the person still refuses to listen, now watch closely. Be careful when you get to passages like this because you can take it to an extreme. You can make it say some things it's not saying.

Let's see what he says. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. This and Matthew 16, 18 are the only two places in all of Matthew where the church is mentioned. The church hasn't even been established yet as a congregation, as a body, except for synagogues and that was never called a church. So this would be a representative group of believers. In our case within the church could be the elders. Take this situation to those who represent the church. In other words, we don't bring every offense in front of a congregation unless we turn the congregation into a courtroom.

We would spend our time doing little more than solving conflicts. So be reasonable in your interpretation when you take this to the church. I suggest that you take it to some group within the church that's confidential where it can be handled with wisdom, handled biblically, with compassion, and sadly there's no delight in this except in the thought that we may be solving a conflict but all who are engaged in it are sad about this conflict going on and they want to see it resolved. And so we read then if he or she still won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan. Now there are people who will read only that verse and say that's the reason I want nothing to do with the church because the church is nothing but a bunch of judgmental people. That verse has been jerked out of context if you think that, if that's your opinion.

It falls in a context of this whole process. You've gone through all of these other places and now he says you've come to the place where there is a refusal to acknowledge wrong. Now you're dealing with a rebellious believer who will not accept the reality of an offense which is not trivial. It's important enough to bring it before a body within the church. At that point, if there isn't a willingness to submit and repent and be restored, that individual is to be removed from the fellowship and the joy of what the church brings. Paul did this. I should say the church in Corinth did this and Paul's statement is you have not handled it correctly.

This man is living with his father's wife and as a result you are rejoicing in that. You're considering yourselves free, not worried about the immoral lifestyle of that individual and Paul says it's not to be handled like that. This person should be dealt with in the way that Jesus describes it.

I only hit that lightly because I wanted you to know the seriousness of this situation. If he won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan. And then he adds this, keep it in context, I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven. Whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. It's a very difficult verse to translate.

Part of the reason is the particular verbs that are translated will be forbidden and will be permitted, more accurately should be rendered, will have been forbidden and will have been and will have been permitted, translating a future perfect passive in the verb stem. The idea is not that God is compelled to conform to the church's decisions, but when the church follows the Lord's directions, that's Christ's pattern for discipline, it conforms its decision to what God has already determined. God is pleased that we carry out what he has decided. He has forbidden this and we have determined to do so.

He has permitted those things and we have permitted them as well. And the verses that follow there where he says, I tell you this, if two of you here on earth agree on anything, my Father in heaven will do it for you. That is an agreement with the whole issue of discipline. And here's the way one man puts it.

I like the way he's described it. When the church acts in God's behalf and in accordance with his word, in matters dealing with sin in the body, God acts in their behalf by confirming and empowering their faithful and difficult decisions and actions who desire to please him. He will honor such obedience. And I believe that's what the end of it is saying where he states, I am there among you. I am in your midst when you are doing the difficult thing.

Now let me say some practical things and end with a story that I doubt that you will ever forget, a true story. First of all, we need to model Jesus' teachings. If we're going to be a church, we need to do what church people ought to do.

That is a body of believers. If you have someone who offends you, the very best thing you can do is privately talk with that individual. Don't broadcast it. Don't tell others of it. Don't tell others of it. Don't do it in a group. Go privately and make every attempt to make things right. You will be amazed how often that will be enough. There will be an acknowledgement, and the wrong will be confessed, and then there will be the remaking of a relationship, and the bridge is built back. Sometime you will find it necessary to take a friend or two with you to help the person realize the seriousness of what you're dealing with. Remember the tears.

Remember the sadness. None of this is done with delight. Admittedly, we do it out of obedience to what Christ is teaching, and we do it with great sensitivity because we want to do the right thing the right way at the right time. Sometime it is so serious that there must be church discipline, which is followed here in the way Jesus describes it.

We follow and we want to do what Jesus is teaching. Let me say secondly, we must guard against extremes. The first extreme is to become too severe as a congregation. When I was younger as a pastor, I was too severe. That often goes with youth.

I saw things in always black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, and as you grow older, you gain some wisdom, and you realize there may be more to the story than we have realized there was, and so you are you are careful to get more of the information. If you are too severe and too demanding and lacking in grace, you will cultivate a legalism among the congregation, and we become a body of severe saints rather than loving, caring saints. On the other hand, we can become a religious country or religious country club, and anything goes. There's no standard of holiness. There are no biblical boundaries. We're soft on immorality. We're soft on a breakdown in relationships.

Any lifestyle is fine. Just keep enlarging the ranks of the church. That's the other extreme. Neither extreme is healthy, so I have found that it is ideal when we carry out what Christ is teaching that we keep in mind the ultimate objectives, and I must have you turn to Galatians chapter 6. Please turn verse 1, and I will draw from there the ultimate objectives. Galatians 6-1, dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you or who are godly should gently and humbly, notice the words, gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. Chuck Swindoll is addressing a highly personal topic that impacts us all, and it requires courage and compassion to sit down with someone who's lost their way. You're listening to Insight for Living, and there's much more teaching we need to hear in this message Chuck titled, Caring Enough to Confront. And to learn more about this ministry or to see what resources are available for today's topic, please visit us online at insightworld.org.

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