Why Our Needs Remain Unmet - Part 2

Welcome to this weekend's In Touch Podcast with Charles Stanley. Do you know why you get angry about some things and sad about others? Or why you might make jokes in serious situations? Stay with us now to think through some of the deeper issues behind your behavior. By accepting His death at the cross and asking Him to forgive us of our sins, we are brought into a personal relationship with God through the death of Jesus Christ and our faith in Him as the Son of God. That is the basic number one need. Upon that awesome basic foundational need are three additional emotional needs that every single person needs. These are universal needs no matter who a person may be.

The first need, let's see how much you remember, the first need is what? A sense of belonging. And so God the Father has made that absolutely possible because when He saves us, what does He do? The Bible says He adopts us into His kingdom, that is He makes us a part of His family. He becomes our Heavenly Father and therefore we have someone to whom we belong, God the Father. We have someone that belongs to us.

We call Him my Father. What is the second universal basic need? The need of what? The need of sense of worthiness, that is, we need to feel that we're worth something, that we're valued. And so what did the Lord Jesus Christ do to prove that? He came and died on the cross, which was His way of saying to us, this is how much you're worth. God the Father and I and the Holy Spirit thank you that you're worth this, that I am willing to lay down my life for you and make it possible for you to be forgiven of your sin and make it possible for you to become a child of the living God.

That's how much value I place in you. So when it comes to our sense of belonging, we belong to the Heavenly Father. Our sense of worth is demonstrated by the death of Jesus. And thirdly, we need a sense of what? A sense of competence, that is, that we're capable, we're able to do anything and everything God calls us to do.

So what did He do? He sent the Holy Spirit to indwell us. He says He seals us with the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit is our great supernatural enabler who enables you and me to do anything and everything God desires for us to do. So therefore, we can feel very comfortable in our sense of belonging and worth and competence because of our relationship to God. And I want to say this, that no matter how capable you may feel, no matter how belonging you may feel toward others or what your sense of worth, until you have a personal relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ, a sense of belonging, a sense of competence, a sense of worth, it will never be there the way God intends for it to be.

You will never experience those the way God desires you to experience them until you have a relationship with Almighty God. Now, we've talked about how people usually respond and we've talked about how we look at needs in our life and why God oftentimes does not answer them. But the one that I want us to deal with primarily here is I want us to talk about this whole idea of trying to meet them our way and what we do. We go about building these structures, building these devices emotionally in our life in order to help us to survive. What I'd like to do is I'd like to mention several of these to say right up front this is not the way that you deal with needs in your life, those emotional needs that are not being met.

This is not the way to do it, but this is the way oftentimes we do it. What is one of the primary ways we deal with hurt, pain, suffering, excruciating things that have been done to us, abandonment, being ignored? One of the first things we do, we deny it.

That's the first structure and probably the most prominent structure we build. We'll just deny it. Now, if I can cram it, stuff it and jam it to the point that I can deny that it ever happened, then I don't have to face it.

Then I'm not going to reach out to say to someone else, I need you to help me. Denial is my way of hiding. Denial is my protection. Denial is the structure I build and my emotional being that says somewhere along the way, if I put this aside long enough that I'm going to be able to just outgrow this and get over this.

Now, I say all of that to say this. We can deny things we don't even realize that we denied them. And I'm saying we build structures in our life that we're not even aware of. The second structure we build is avoidance. I'm talking about just A-V-O-I-D-A-N-C-E, avoidance.

We avoid things. Now, for example, let's say that you were deeply in love with someone and I mean you just love them with all your heart. And they just walked away and said, you know what? I don't love you and I don't want to marry you or whatever it might be. And so I mean you were deeply, deeply hurt, deeply scarred in your emotions. You had just given yourself that person as much as you could before marriage and you were living a godly life and they just walked away. Well, what would be the natural normal structure? Well, what would the little child, what structure would the little child build when the parents walk away?

The little child build this structure. And to be real careful who I love from now on because if I love somebody else and if I trust someone else, what they're going to do to me? They're going to do the same thing my mom and my daddy did to me and they're going to leave me and they're going to hurt me and I'm not going to suffer that again. So I'm building myself a wall big enough, thick enough, high enough. They're not going to get in. Now, does a child think through that?

No. But here's what a child does in experience after experience, relationship after relationship, what do they do? They just put it up. Well, one of the ways we build structures is by projection. Now, again, a little child doesn't think about this and we as adults don't even realize what we're doing.

Projection says, you know what? That's your fault. That's your problem. And so instead of assuming responsibility for our failures, instead of assuming responsibility for the fact that sometimes we don't do as well as we could, what we want to do, we want to blame somebody else. We get in the blame game. And so we want to blame, blame, blame. We want to project on other people the reason for our feelings. And we want to say, well, you know, if you had not done this to me, then this is the way I would feel. And so we have a very unforgiving spirit. You know what? You cannot have a real, genuine, personal, intimate, loving, fulfilling, contenting relationship with anybody who is living with an unforgiving spirit.

I don't care who they are. You absolutely cannot. You may have moments of intimacy. You may have moments of joy and moments of happiness. But in the long run, a person who has an unforgiving spirit, a person who is always blaming someone else, a person who's been hurt back there in some way and who's felt the pain and intensity of that pain so much that they not only blame that person, but they, listen, what they do is they spray blame on anybody and everybody who looks like they may even possibly be a threat or may even want to begin to think in terms of having an intimate relationship with them. So they projected on someone else. This is why oftentimes people that you meet that you would like to build a relationship with, you can't. Why?

One of their structures is projection. And because I want to be sure that I am right. You see, if I can blame you for everything, that keeps me safe from being right. In other words, I can be right.

I'm right and you're wrong. I've got to keep my structure up there. I've got to blame you. I've got to accuse you.

I've got this. You know, what's their fault, his fault, her fault, but never my fault. And so a person who lives with that has got to be very, very difficult to live with. But that is exactly the kind of structure some people build. Then, of course, one of the primary structures people build is lying. Yes, I mean, just pure, downright telling a lie. Now, what they will say is oftentimes, well, it's a little white line. After all, if you were in my position, you would do the same thing.

Don't we hear that everywhere you turn? Well, you'd do the same thing if you're in my position. No, not necessarily. You see, lying is a form of protection. Goes on in business, goes on in church, goes on in families, goes on among kids. But you see, now a child doesn't decide this is the way I'm going to survive in this family.

I'm going to lie. No, they just do it. And see what I want you to understand again. The structures get built oftentimes unconsciously. But because they're never dealt with, those structures remain and we shut people out for fear of failure, fear of disappointing them, fear of what they may think, what we do. We can control our world if we can lie enough and get by with it. Then, of course, one of those structures that we build is acquiescence. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean simply this, when a person acquiesces, what they do is they give in. And the truth is they get by giving in. And so let's say, for example, that here's a person who gets an argument or they have particular needs in their life and here's what they discovered. The best way to protect themselves, just give in, just say, well, you know, you're absolutely correct. Now, let's say that here's a wife and her personality is such, well, here's a dispute between her husband and herself.

And so she says, let's get this thing open and talk about it. He says, oh, no, honey, look, just anything you want to do is fine. I mean, it's all right.

No problem. I mean, you know, go buy yourself a new dress. I mean, the deal is he does not want to have conflict with his wife. Now, if I should ask the men in here, how many of you love conflict with your wife? Raise your hand.

No sensible man in here is going to raise his hand. And yet oftentimes conflict is healthy. You just have to talk it out.

And so there's oftentimes conflict. So here's what a woman thinks. Here's how she feels. You don't want to discuss this. You just want to give me my way.

What you're doing is you're throwing all the responsibility on me. And so she feels shut out and she feels isolated and rejected because you don't have the guts to stand here and talk about this thing until we get this solved. And so she gets the blunt of it.

And so what does the man say? Well, honey, I just, you know, I just want you to have your way. And now whatever pleases you, you just wonder, that's not what she wants. She wants to settle this issue.

And he wants to do what? He can't stand the rejection. And because he loves her and sometimes if he's co-dependent upon her and so dependent upon her acceptance and so dependent upon her love and so dependent upon her this and so dependent upon that and if he's so dependent upon what she does for him physically that he can't stand up and be a man and do what he ought to do, then what happens?

You don't get anything settled. You just go through life with this neediness and what happens? There's no real genuine, genuine down-to-earth intimacy there because there's always this something that somehow either he or she can't face it. Now, it could be opposite. It could be the woman who is acting that way rather than the man. But that's one of the ways that people deal with those issues.

Then, of course, there's conformity. For example, here's a child, grows up, and that child's got a mind of his own. I mean, he's a good thinker. She's a good thinker. And they're creative and they have initiative and so they want to create, they want to be creative and have an initial, sit down and shut up.

No, you can't. Why do you think you can do this? So what does a child do?

A child wilts. They lay down their creativity. They lay down their initiative.

They lay down their strengths and they just do what? They just make me like putty and I conform to whatever you want. Well, they grow up and here's what they realize. That's the way they eliminate being rejected. That's the way they eliminate their parents scolding them. That's the way they eliminate being abandoned for periods of time. And that's the way they eliminate having their parents mistreat them. In other words, just conform, just like putty, just fit me into the mold.

None of those are the ways you deal with getting needs met. Every single one of those is, and there are lots and lots of others, all of those are structures, emotional structures we build and we start building them very early in life in order to survive, in order to be able to face life. And listen, the more you've been hurt early in life and the more structures you've built early in life, the more you're going to keep out there later in life. God intends for us to build godly relationships in life because you see, that's what we and He are all about. We and He are all about a relationship, an intimate relationship.

And a relationship of two people that genuinely love each other on earth is a beautiful example of the kind of relationship that our Heavenly Father wants to have with us. And so therefore, if we come along in life and we just naturally normally build these structures, if we don't deal with the structures, we're going to end up with our whole life never having really and truly been fulfilled. And listen carefully, the more painful those experiences are early in childhood, the thicker and the higher those structures will be and the more difficult it will be to get through them. Now, the last question simply is, how do I deal? How do we tear these things down? How do we deal with these structures?

First of all, we're not blaming anybody for the fact that they started early in life, but we are responsible as adults and we are responsible when we learn of what's going on and why it's happening. We are responsible for dealing with them. First thing we do is this. We say, Lord, here's what I think my need is. Help me to discern the difference between what the symptom is and the real basic need. Lord, it's my real need that I feel so rejected. It's my real need that I need to feel accepted and I need to feel a sense of worth. Lord, is my real need a sense of security that's based on the right thing? God, help me to be able to discern between the real need and some symptom. Now, Father, here's what You said. You said that You would supply all of my needs according to Your riches and glory in Christ Jesus and therefore, understanding what this is, I believe You're going to meet my need here. Now, Lord, show me the structure.

Show me the structures that I've used before in dealing with my needs. Have I been one of those persons who's just acquiesced to everything around me? Have I used lying? Have I been denying what this real need is? Lord, have I been compromising? Have I been angry?

Have I been projecting on someone else? Lord, what have I been doing trying to deal with these emotional needs? I'm going to tell you, God will show you what it is.

He will show you the structures in your life that you've used before. Lord, I choose beginning today to tear them down, lay them down. Lord, I'm not lying and I'm not acquiescing anymore. I'm not going to argue. I'm not going to project anymore.

I'm not denying this anymore. God, I know this is in my life. I know this is a need. And Lord, I'm asking you to meet that need. I'm tearing down these walls.

I'm not surviving and I'm not building anymore defense mechanisms in my life. God, I want you to meet my need your way and I'm trusting you to do it. Lord, what would you have me to do? God will answer that prayer every single time, because you know what you're doing? You're dealing with the real you. You're coming to grip with the problem that God is aware of. You're coming to grip with the solution that He knows. You're coming to grips with a person with yourself that He knows so well.

And so you're saying, I'm laying that down. That's not my way of dealing with my needs any longer. Lord, I'm trusting you. God may say to you, I want you to go see so and so and talk to Him or to her. I want you to seek godly counsel to help lead you through this. God Almighty, this loving, unconditionally loving Father, He will be there for you in those moments when you say to Him, Lord, not living that way anymore. God, I don't want to live now. Let me tell you something. It may be real painful. It may be extremely painful for you to say, you know what, I'm not going to acquiesce anymore.

I'm just going to have to stand up and say, you know what, I don't agree with that. I want to be kind, God. I want to be loving. Show me how to be kind. When I'm having conflict, show me how to be kind. Lord, show me that the person is not rejecting me. They may be rejecting my behavior. They may reject something I've done. They may disagree with my attitude.

They may reject my attitude, not rejecting me. God, help me to be able to deal with the pain the first few times I have to just stand up for myself and know, Lord, that You're going to heal me through this. It can be painful.

It can be embarrassing. But you know what? You've got to decide, do I want to be a whole person?

Do I want to be a whole person? Do I want to go through the rest of my life emotionally crippled because I didn't have the courage to stand up and face the Lord, hear the walls. You say, now listen, there's not even an issue about why they got built. That's not the issue. God knows that we come along early in life and we all build them.

That's not the issue. The issue is, here's what it is and God, I want to lay it down. I want to tear it down, take it away, God, and give me the courage to hurt, to feel the pain, whatever's necessary, but God above everything is heal me of my hurts so I can be the Godly man and the Godly woman, the Godly young person, Lord, You want me to be. And my friend, Almighty, loving God, we'll answer that prayer. We'll meet Your needs. Thank you for listening to Part 2 of Why Our Needs Remain Unmet. If you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or InTouch Ministries, stop by intouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of InTouch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.