How to Handle Anger - Part 1

Welcome to the In Touch Podcast with Charles Stanley for Thursday, October sixth. People often harbor anger, bitterness, and revenge for a long time. If that's true of you, today's program helps you deal with these troubling emotions. Let's continue learning the keys to letting go of anger. The measure of a person is the size of the thing that makes them angry. What does it take to make you angry?

Does somebody really have to give it to you bad? Or does the slightest little slighty remark make you angry? How much does it take to make you angry? What does it take to make you angry?

What has to happen? And when you find yourself angry, what do you do about it? There's several things you can do, and we'll talk about that. But this is the third message in our series entitled Letting Go of Anger.

And in the first message, we talked about the simple question. That is, are you angry to help people find out whether they are or not? So, think about that for a moment. Anger is a strong feeling of intense displeasure or hostility or indignation as a result of real or some imaginary threat or injustice and insult, frustration toward yourself or somebody else that's important to you. You don't get angry over people who are not important to you. So, when we think about that, we think about where we are in life, the fact that all of us have the capacity to be angry.

God gave us that capacity. And all of us have been and probably will be many times before we die. And the question is not if we will be angry, the question is what are we going to do about it? Because you see, the Bible doesn't say that anger is a sin. What makes it a sin is how you and I respond to those feelings. So, in this message, we want to talk about this whole issue of how do we handle it.

How do we handle anger? So, I want you to turn, if you will, to Ephesians chapter four. And I want us to look at the last few verses in the twenty-sixth and twenty-seventh verse we looked at before when he says, Be angry and sin not, explain that. Don't let the devil get the best of you in it. And then he says in the twenty-ninth verse of this fourth chapter of Ephesians. Listen to what he says. He says, Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word is as good for edification of building up someone, according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Now watch this. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. That is, if we don't do what he says in the twenty-ninth verse, then we're going to end up doing what happens in the thirty-first verse when he says, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Verses are very clear. In fact, as we go through these passages and these messages, it's very clear in Scripture that God is addressing this issue of anger. Now, how do people usually handle anger? Well, they handle it one of several ways.

They will either handle it by repressing it, which simply means they deny that it's even there. And you meet people oftentimes who say, No, I'm not angry. But I'll remind you again, a person who allows anger to persist in their life, it begins to show in their eyes and you will hear it in their voice.

A person who is angry, given to anger and given to those kind of results that happen in the human body and in their emotions, it shows in their eyes. You can hear it in their voice. They cannot hide it.

It's very evident because it's affecting every part of their body and all their emotions and it's affecting their relationship to Christ. So, sometimes they repress it and say, No, it's not there. Or sometimes they suppress it. They know it's there, but they refuse to deal with it. And refusing to deal with it only makes it go deeper and the damage becomes more harmful and oftentimes it spreads further and further. Then, of course, some people, the way they handle it, they just have these outbursts.

And it's like the shotgun going off and they make this big explosion, this big noise and shattering everything around them. And then sometimes people just give excuses. They say, Well, this is just the way I am. No, that's the way you've become. Or they'll say, Well, God made me that way.

He doesn't make people that way. They choose to become angry. Or somebody says, Well, I just have a short fuse. Well, if it's short, you made it short. God doesn't give you a short fuse.

And so, people have all kind of excuses. Or one way you can handle anger is by self-control by the work of the Holy Spirit in your life, being quiet and submissive and allowing God to enable you to respond in the proper fashion. So, here's what I want to ask you to do. I want to ask you to be wise enough to consider these suggestions that I'm going to make that will help you deal with anger.

And what I want to help you do is to do this. And that is build up your defense mechanism so that you don't find yourself embarrassing yourself, hurting others, hurting your family, your husband, your wife and children by the way you act and by the way you respond. You do not have to respond in the wrong way. Even when it is absolutely a disaster in your life, you do not have to respond in the wrong way. So, be wise enough to write these down.

They will be a defense. It'll be a mechanism that you can use to help you thwart off becoming angry and bitter and resentful and hostile and all the rest. And so, the first step is this and that is you have to confess your anger. And if, as long as you deny that it's there by simply repressing it.

No, I'm not angry. It continues. And remember this, whether you acknowledge it or not, the poison keeps seeping in your body. It's still affecting every aspect of your being. So, some people try to deny it. And to deny it only prolongs it. It only deepens it.

And it only increases the damage in your life. And it's interesting that a young lady walked up to me. She sat down quickly. She said, Dr. Stanley, I've been angry all my life. She just said, I'm angry. I've been angry all my life. She said it three times. Well, she's feeling it and I'm rejoicing because she's taken the first step to get rid of it. And that is to tell somebody I am angry. And listen to what she said, I've been angry all my life.

You know what that means? She's never been happy in her life. She's never had peace in her life.

She's never had joy in her life. She's saved. She's become a Christian. She wants to do the right thing. She's trying to live a godly life.

But there's something deep down inside that's churning away. Now, she probably knows one or more reasons why she's angry. And probably would love to know how to deal with it. So, she says, I've been listening and I'm grateful. I'm going to hear all of this because it's been in my life all my life.

You'll be surprised at the people who have the same feelings she does. And remember, you can't be happy. You can't have peace. You can't even be satisfied with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You may be saved and know that, but deep down inside there's peace and joy and happiness and all the rest, tranquility of soul that He promises is not there. Because anger churns, and I'll show you the Scripture in a moment. Anger is churning away in your life if it's still there.

So, the first thing you have to deal with is this whole issue of confessing it. Secondly, you have to identify the nature and the source of it. That is, where is this coming from? Because if a person will stop and think for a moment, you can identify usually, where did that start? What happened in my life?

What's really going on? And you see, if you don't identify it and know the source of it and you are angry, you're going to express it. And more than likely, you're going to express it on somebody who knows nothing about your past, who did nothing to you, but since you're angry, what happens is you spill it around because you cannot keep it to yourself. This is why it's so important you understand who is this you're angry toward and why do you think it is there. Then, of course, the third thing is the purpose in your heart to deal with it quickly. And you recall what the Scripture says here in Ephesians and he says, Don't let the sun go down on it. Therefore, because if you'll give the devil an opportunity, he'll drive it deeper and deeper and do more damage to you and oftentimes the people you love very much. So, you have the purpose in your heart to deal with it. And somebody says, Well, you're past and nobody's ever treated you that way.

You don't know where I've been. And I've had my opportunities to be very forgiving, believe me, because people will dump on you oftentimes what has nothing to do with you. But somehow they've got to get it on somebody.

They've got to transfer it to somebody. And when they do, you just have to deal with it properly. And what you want to do is you want to deal with it quickly.

You say, Don't let the sun go down on it. That does not mean that some instances of pain and suffering, as we said, somehow running over your child, that doesn't mean you don't go to bed with that and say, Well, I've got to get rid of this by the time the sun sets. No, but at least you acknowledge it.

And at least you acknowledge, I have to deal with this. Because you do not want to live your life with anger toward somebody. And oftentimes, people are angry toward people who've already died. And how many times have I met people in the ministry, church members, for example, over the years, who were still angry at their father who died ten years ago.

And he's gone. He's out of their life, but he's not out of their life. While he personally is out of their life, their anger toward him keeps him there, punishing themselves over and over and over again.

Very important that we deal with it, lest it just get all out of sorts. And then, of course, do not sin. Somebody says, Well, how can you be angry and not sin? Because if you could not be, he would not have said, Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun set on it, which means deal with it.

Get with it immediately. Now, what makes it a sin? Angry feelings are natural and normal. Sometimes anger, when it's responded to properly, is very important because it gets you up and gets you moving and gets you doing something that needs to be done. And so, when he says, Do not sin. The sin is not in the feeling of anger, it's what I do with it. I acknowledge it and I want to deal with it.

And so, I deal with it. Now, Jesus never sinned, but was He angry? You better believe He was.

You read the account of Jesus in the temple. He was turning over coops and running people out. And I'm sure He didn't say, Now, y'all get out of here. He didn't say that. He was raising His voice. And He was deeply angered. And what He was angered about was not what they were doing to Him. He saw them cheating and lying and misrepresenting and keeping people out of the temple for worship. So, He saw what was happening and He was very angry. When He, you recall, with a man who had the withered hand, and the Pharisees were standing around saying, Well, are we going to see if He heals them on the Sabbath?

Well, yes, He did. And He called them hypocrites. And if you read the twenty-third chapter of Matthew, how many times He called the Pharisees hypocrites. And I mean, Jesus was an angry man because of what He saw them doing to the people.

Heaping laws and rules on them, misinterpreting the Old Testament, because it kept them in power. Did He sin? No, He did not. Because none of that was because of what they did to Him, but what they were doing to other people. If Jesus became angry in the wrong way, where do you suppose He would have been the angriest? On the cross. What did He say? Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

So, it's possible to be angry and not sin. And then, of course, one of the best suggestions I'd like to pass on is this, and that is take a time out. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, when you, if somebody says something or does something and you feel it coming on, then if you just visualize a stop sign.

You know it's red and it's got white letters. You know what that is. Stop. That is, stop right then and there and pause. Don't say anything, don't do anything. Because more than likely, a quick reaction is what?

A quick reaction is going to be the wrong thing to say. So, you stop, you pause, and let them say everything they want to say. Let them say it. Or, if it's something that has happened and that person's not there, but all of a sudden you hear about it, maybe somebody's just really told something about you that is totally disastrous. How do you respond? You say, well, I have a right. No, no, no, no, no, you forget who you are. You're a follower of Jesus.

And so, we are responsible to respond in the proper fashion. And that's why you stop, you don't say anything, and you practice what God practices. Turn to the hundred-and-third Psalm, for example, and I want you to notice this passage, hundred-and-third Psalm. And if you will look in the eighth verse, here's what you will find. He says, The Lord is compassionate and gracious.

That is, compassionate, caring, and gracious. Listen to this, slow to anger and abounding and loving kindness. That is, God is slow to anger. If you turn over to James, for example, and the first chapter and the nineteenth verse, listen to what he says. Watch this now, there are three words I want you to notice. He says, nineteenth verse, This you know, my beloved brethren, but everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Now, what is he saying? When you hear something that would normally get you angry, he said, quick to hear. That doesn't, in other words, and to hear properly and to hear accurately. What's really being said, what's really happening, quick to hear, slow to speak. That is, don't just let it blow out and defend yourself. Slow to speak, slow to anger.

The Bible is so accurate. He did not say, don't get angry. He said, slow to anger. Because sometimes there is that immediate feeling of anger that comes when somebody has mistreated you maybe, and you feel it. So, to say, oh, no, no, no, I never feel any anger at all.

No, no, no, no. Well, you're just lying because the truth is God made us, He made us to feel angry for some good reasons. It's how we handle it. And so, James says here, quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. So, as you think about how you respond, nobody knows how you respond but you. But if you, I think if you'll just remember that, it's very important that you and I respond in the way He gives, He suggests that we do.

Now, so, the thing about being slow to respond, watch this carefully. If the other person is accusing you falsely about something and you're in the process of defending yourself, then you have this mixture of words. You said, he said, she said, he said, he said, she said, and so nobody's listening to anybody. So, the person who's accusing you, they're getting more frustrated, more angry towards you because of what they think you did. And the more you talk, the more angry you get. And all you have then is just one big angry mess.

And nothing comes out of that. So, if you don't say anything and you just let them get it out, say whatever they want to say to you, then when they finish, you say, is there anything else? Listen, quick to hear, slow to speak, because if you start talking back fast or talk back to defend yourself while they're talking, you don't have any idea what's coming. In other words, you can't think about what's happening except you're hearing all this. Whereas, if you are quiet and you are silent while they're doing the talking, here's what happens.

The Spirit of God in you is going to allow you to be able to discern what are they saying? What's motivating them? Why are they acting this way? What do they think I've done?

I don't even know that person. Or they misinterpreted. But you see, you're thinking. No matter what they're saying, you can think.

But if you're talking, you can't think accurately about what's really happening. So, it's very important that when you and I face those things that we face them wisely. Thank you for listening to Part 1 of How to Handle Anger. If you'd like to know more about Charles Stanley or InTouch Ministries, stop by InTouch.org. This podcast is a presentation of InTouch Ministries, Atlanta, Georgia.