This is the Truth Network. Welcome to Hope in the Morning. turning tragedies and tears into testimonies of hope. Welcome to Hope in the Morning. Today's episode is about finding unshakable hope in the midst of sorrow.
We will listen to the heart of a mother who walked through the loss of her one-month-old son, Matthew. yet found herself held securely by the grace of God. As Charles Spurgeon wisely said, When we cannot trace his hand, we must trust his heart. And this story is a beautiful testament to that specific kind of trust. Join us as we explore how the Lord provides a peace that passes all understanding, even in the darkest seasons of life.
Alex, welcome to Hope in the Morning. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. And then how do I share more with you story? Yes, and Matthew was such a beautiful little baby too.
I have followed your story for a little while on your Instagram account and just noticed how the Lord really did carry you through something that no mother ever, not only never wants to go through, but you never expect to go through that hardship. And so, can we start with? You just telling us a little bit about Matthew and then the trial that the Lord did walk you through? Yes, so Matthew was definitely a prayed for baby. I had two before him, and Melvin was a couple years old, and I decided that I wanted to have another one, but it wasn't happening.
So I had kind of, well. in a way given up hope um because I thought maybe two was going to be my time. And I remember in October of 2022, I cleaned out our house of everything, baby. And I just said, this is it. Two is good for us.
So I was happy with that. But then it was January of 2023 that I found out I was pregnant with Matthew. And I do remember that day. Just like yesterday, because I had COVID at the time, and I was visiting my family members in Texas, and I had never had COVID before. And my husband was also in Texas, but he was at a different city visiting his family.
And I told him, don't come back. I'm sick. I'm going to isolate. Whatever. But in that time, I felt something else besides sickness.
So I took a test and it was positive and I do remember Jumping for joy in my nightgown and everything, just very excited because I had wanted this baby for a long time. And I called my husband and jokingly told him there was another. Positive test in our house. And he was thinking it was COVID, but I said, no, it's me. And we were very excited.
And I his whole pregnancy was a wonderful one, very documented because I had to go in. every two weeks to see get ultrasounds done. just because I had placed a privion to measure him and everything like that. And I think about it now. The reason all those pictures were taken was because I don't have so many pictures of him now.
Except to have all these Beautiful ultrasounds, and the day he was born. He It wasn't like my other deliveries. Actually, none of my deliveries have been the same. But he came at 1.22 in the morning. And that was very special to me because my husband and I got married January 22nd.
So, numbers really stick out to me right now because I just think there's a reason for everything. And that's grieving. We try to find the reason and the reminder. In all of our everyday living, it gives us a A piece basically, but it helps us remember the importance of. The person we lost.
Um And I remember when he was born, it was one doctor and one nurse, and it was beautiful and private and very intimate. Usually you have nurses coming in and out, in and out. People my mom and dad coming in and out, but it was very quick. It was like 20 minutes, and he was out. Wow.
Yes, he was, it was awesome. And he was my baby's baby. At the time, until I had Anna. But he was big and He didn't have a name for 24, almost 24 hours. Um And I know you had mentioned in your list of things about the name.
And we had thrown around. M names, Michael, Malcolm, all these other names, and nothing was really fitting for us. But my mother-in-law came to visit. two weeks prior to Matthew being born. And she goes, what do you think of Matthew?
And I was like. I like it. I like it a lot. I don't know what it was. And at the time, I didn't know what it meant, but it means a gift from God.
Yeah. And when he was born. My husband was set on him being named Maverick. That's a nice name. He was going to call him Ricky for short, but it didn't feel like him.
It just didn't feel like his name. He would write, Maverick all over the house on little post-its on the washing machine when there were clothes we were washing, because he wanted to like subliminally message to me that that was gonna be his name. I when he was born, um We went back and forth with Malcolm and Matthew, and the nurses would come in and they'd ask us, What's his name going to be? And Caesar would say, Malcolm, or not Malcolm, Maverick. And I was like, No, it's not Maverick, it's not Maverick.
An hour before we were discharged. The nurses said. It's easier to figure out his name here than leaving without a name, because he was baby M for the whole time he was there. Wow. Um yes.
So an hour before we left. um i went into the bathroom and i said i'm not coming out until i get matthew connor And that's that. And I sit in there. I sat in the bathroom for half an hour. The baby, I said, if he cries, I'm the only one who can feed him.
So they're going to have to come in here and get me. That's funny.
So, what brought your husband around to decide, like, okay, I'm on board, I like this name too? I think just because we needed to go. Honestly, he was good.
So I came out of the bathroom and I went to the nurse's station and I said, What's the name of my son? And she showed me the little card. And I said, okay. He said, but he put Matthew Connor. Yeah.
So, after you brought Matthew home, did your husband start seeing that was a good name for him, and especially after you lost him? Did your husband come to see that, like, yes, that was definitely the name that the Lord had for him all along? Yes, he actually said, it took a while for him to like say that. It was about a year ago. And he said, I'm happy we went with Matthew.
And because also his name, people kind of dropped the morales. Matthew Connor just sounds like. His whole name, you know?
So yeah. it was fitting for him because Especially now. When we read things in the book of Matthew, or we go shopping and we see items that have a scripture verse from Matthew written on it, or people share things on social media, and there's, it's almost like, Hello, hello, hello, all the time. And we would never see that as much with the name Maverick or something.
So, well, you mentioned how, as grievers, you often look for those little things because it's a little comfort to your heart. And so. What a precious gift, and I mean, gift, even, you know, I mean, Matthew, what that means is gift from God, like you said, what a precious gift from God that He knew that this name would give you reminders. Throughout your whole lifetime, actually, of your little boy. That's a very special thing.
And You know, you only had your little boy for 27 days here on earth in your arms. Can you walk us through the trial that the Lord called you to at just 27 days old? Yes, so we lost Matthew in a tragic car accident. Um And It's wild because I was driving and it was just me and him. And the whole thing about that day was weird.
It was out of the norm for us. My husband is a very busy man who has two jobs. He is photographer on the side. And so a lot of times he's editing at home or he's gone away.
So he's very big. and I take on a lot of the duties with the children. And I'm always with kids, which is wonderful. Especially now, after losing one, you're fine being surrounded by them. But that day I wanted to go get Matthew Wade at what we call a baby cafe at the hospital.
Because I knew I knew he was gaining a lot of weight. And I just was excited to see how chubby he was. And he did. He had put on a pound a week in his 26, seven days of living. Yes.
Um, I made a lot of milk after he was born. Which I can tell you about later, which was a blessing to somebody else. Um But I wanted to go get him weighed. And Melvin was home from school, and Caesar says, Why don't you take Melvin with you? Because I got to work on pictures.
I said, I don't want not today. And normally I would say, sure. Or if I would have said not today, he would say, come on, I'm busy. Yeah. But that day he didn't think that.
I just said, not today. I just want to be me. And I went by myself, which was not like me to go without the other children. But that was also the Lord because. When we had where Melvin sat.
His car seat was broken in half. And I mean, I lost one. But I could have lost it. Two, yeah. Yeah.
Um so I think sometimes that it was the Lord's will that Matthew wasn't going to be here very long. And the spot where our accident had happened was on a 5 and 2, and 5 plus 2 equals 7, and 7 means finished. In the Bible. Yeah. So I think about the number seven and where our accident happened and where He was taken right then and there.
And It was And I'm sorry for crying. Oh, you're take your time. Yeah. Um But It was also It was okay because I was fine. I had some bruises and some damage from the seat belt but I was okay.
And When you're grieving, you Keep Saying, why didn't I go to you know, how am I supposed to live every day without him? But there's This is so crazy. There's a scene from the movie The Good Doctor, which nobody, if you have never seen that show, it's a great show. It is a great show. It is.
I love it. But he says.
Something along the lines of When you lose someone, it is hard, but you have to keep going for the ones you still have. And I still had to do it in Melbourne and By Haze Benton.
So I was okay. You know, one of the things that Is an important thing for listeners to hear based on what you just said is that.
So often, and I think you even maybe wrote about this on your Instagram at one point. But so often people say things like, oh, you're so strong. I could never survive if I lost a child. But Every mother feels that way. Every father feels that way.
You don't have a choice. Life continues and you have other children to take care of. And that's not a helpful thing in any way. To say to people, to say, oh, you're so strong. You didn't want this any more than any other.
mother wanted this and You know, I can hear now in your testimony that you're talking about how you can see little glimpses of what the Lord did and how the Lord wove. kind of meaning into your story. But how long could it take you? to feel that way, to feel like the Lord had a purpose in any of this. Yeah.
That is a really good question because Before doing this interview with you, I had to like mediate prepare. Because, like I said, sometimes it's really easy to talk about this, and sometimes you really just give in to the grief. I grew up. in the church. I have a very strong spiritual background, so I knew who I could fall on when this happened.
Um But Even though I had this trust in the Lord, and this is his plan. When it had happened for months, I was very mad. Yeah. I kept going. kept going before my kids.
They needed to go to school. People needed to eat.
So thankfully, we had a community that surrounded us that fed us for months after Matthew's passing. Um and in all honesty. It was the community that restored my faith because I had people supporting me from everywhere. I had this lady. Came up to me and asked me, how many children do you have?
And this is a random conversation. And then I said, well, I have three at the time, but you only see two. And I said, well, I don't know if you know my story. She goes, everybody knows your story here. Yeah.
Yeah. And I'm just like, you know, you wear grief on your face and you think people can see it for a long time. And then you're like, I don't want to bring any more heaviness to the conversation. But Ours was very public and very, I mean, it was a traumatic accident that was all over our community. I didn't know that it would even become international when I shared a video of him and how people in Ireland and Scotland and South Africa were reaching out to me over Little Matthew still to this day.
But it took me months. After he passed to be like That's okay. I actually was really angry with God, but I got really angry with my husband because even though we want we're mad at God, He doesn't, He's not physically in front of us to react to our anger. Yeah. And I wanted a reaction, and I wanted somebody to tell me it wasn't my fault.
Yeah. Really quickly, when we come back from the break, we're going to. We're going to explore that more and talk about. What What grief looks like, honestly, in the moment. And we all have emotions, believer or unbeliever, we all have emotions.
And we're going to talk about kind of what the aftermath looked like for you emotionally in the months, even the years to come.
So, join us a moment on Hope in the Morning. Do you have a testimony of hope? Perhaps you've walked through depression or addiction. Maybe you were diagnosed with a serious illness or have suffered the life-altering death of a loved one. If you want to encourage others with your testimony and share the light of Jesus, visit hopeinthemorning.org and submit your story.
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Now, if you've lost a loved one, you can donate in their honor. Simply put their name in the memo portion of your donation. And we'll read these names on future episodes of Hope in the Morning. And may you be reminded of the goodness and faithfulness of God as you continue this episode of Hope in the Morning. Are you in a season of seemingly endless sorrow?
Is your heart longing for encouragement? Join us on Hope in the Morning to hear powerful testimonies of how God is a light even in our darkest valley. We'd also love to pray for you. Simply submit your prayer request at hopeinthemorning.org. Welcome back to Hope in the Morning.
I am joined today with Alex, and she is sharing about her precious baby, Matthew, whose name means gift from God. And the Lord and his sovereignty allowed her to only hold her in her arms, only hold him in her arms for 27 days. And yet she is here to testify that God is still good. And it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And it doesn't mean that you don't have normal emotions.
And so, Alex, you were telling us how you really struggled with anger at God, but because God is not right there to express your anger to. It came out toward your spouse. And so, can you walk us through a little bit of that? Yeah. Um, I'm a very transparent person, so I'm gonna be super vulnerable or super open right now, um, and vulnerable.
Um, I was really mad, like I said, and I needed to be mad at someone physically, and it was. The person that I spend every day. Um And I felt at the time that we weren't supposed to be together. You know, the Lord took our son and even though we tried, it wasn't gonna work. And maybe this was my way out from My unhappiness at the time.
And I would tell people, I would go around and tell people. Like he was an awful person, and he wasn't an awful person. I just needed him to be at that time, I guess. And I would tell people we're breaking up. I was working with a lady who worked with a domestic violence organization because I didn't have a job or money to divorce this man.
So I needed someone to advocate for me. And I had a petition lined up and everything to Um, present to him, and I was I was done at that time. It was December 2023, so months after I had lost Matthew. I'm still angry. And um Yes.
Sorry, I should get a clear. That's okay. But. I was ready to leave. And so when my petition was ready, it was right before Christmas of 2023.
And she told me that we could present it to him. And I said, just wait till after Christmas, because that's not something I want to do to my family on Christmas. The Lord brought somebody into my life on Instagram. Who was the only person who told me Alex. God didn't allow you to lose a son to also lose a husband.
Wow. So if you're gonna be mad at him? That's fine. But he's also grieving. Yeah, just You know, if anything, he should have been mad at me, but.
I just was thinking of myself at the time. When we're grieving, we do think we're very alone and our emotions are the biggest ones and our feelings are the biggest ones and no one's ever going to understand us. But that is not true. I am finding more and more women who can sympathize with me, even though they didn't lose their baby the same way I did. Um It's Anybody can feel how you're feeling.
I'm just getting a little shaky talking about it. The point that you're bringing up is also important because a lot of couples, when they lose a child, A lot of couples don't make it through that. And I don't know how many of our listeners know that, but. it's not uncommon for a marriage to either go through a very hard season Or not make it at all. because there's just so much so much grief, but also what you were saying as far as like You don't grieve the same.
And so sometimes you might read your spouse's form of grief as not grieving deeply enough. Did they love him the same way you loved him? Do they understand the depth of this grief? But men and women are so different. That it's I think it's very rare for a husband and wife to grieve the same.
If you don't mind me asking, were Were there issues that you guys had, and you don't have to go into them at all, but like, were there issues that you had before Matthew's passing that just kind of came to a head? Or was it more like Matthew's passing just kind of became this swelling of emotion that you didn't know what to do with? And now, all of a sudden, your mind and your heart are creating issues. Um um that's a good question because yes all of our marriages have problems And I think I had to learn and still learning. We've been, we're going to be married 10 years this January, this month.
I had to learn that. Because I married someone doesn't mean that I'm always going to be in sync with this person. We're always going to be in the same stages of life. As we grow, our views on life change, whether it be politics, beliefs, whatever. But we can't expect our spells to always be right there with us, changing the same time we are, our thoughts and our perspectives and all that stuff.
And I think Yeah. Men internalize a lot of stuff and women Are more extroverted about things.
Someone told me this when I lost Matthew: you love loudly, you grieve loudly. That's just what it is. And my husband has a good phrase. Yes. And my husband does not grieve loudly.
He's not a loud person, he never was. Um he's very critical. Um and sometimes it can come across rude and a little degrading. And sometimes I didn't like that he was pull I felt he wasn't pulling his weight enough. as a parent.
Prior to losing Matthew, I felt that way. And He didn't go to church with us. I thought he wasn't a good spiritual leader and I had high expectations for him. And I still do. Um, he's bilingual, he's smart, he's talented, he's good with money, and I was like, But you make dumb choices sometimes.
Some of the things that he would like get into, I was just like, oh no. But We had our issues, and who doesn't? And I had to learn. To stop comparing him to what I would see on social media or Just in general, like my friends' husbands or something, because. What I see in public doesn't, I don't see them behind closed doors.
That was for us too. I mean, he's a photographer, so we portray a very beautiful, happy-looking family at times. That's not always true, you know. But In the age of social media, there's such a danger there, especially for women, because I think we tend to be on social media more than men. And I mean, you see, even all the way back to the garden that women are easily deceived.
We're easily, we're easily. I mean, for lack of a better word, brainwashed into thinking that these are people's actual lives when they're very edited. It's very much they're just putting their best picture forward, basically. But also as wives. And as husbands, it's easy for us, especially after you've been married for several years, to start having a heart of.
of discontentment or You know, I guess kind of what the Lord says about looking at the speck in our brother's eye when we have a plank in our own, and that's true of all of us. You know, oftentimes we are having a heart of discontentment, or maybe we're struggling with jealousy because we're doom scrolling and we're seeing, oh, these people, it looks like their husband is having this. You know, set aside spiritual prayer time with their kids and devotions every morning. And that may or may not be true, but that's not what God wants us to cultivate in our hearts as wives. We want to build our husbands up.
We want to see them. through those those rose-colored glasses that we had when we were first married and first dating, and that's hard. Um But I think I think that it's wonderful that the Lord sent you that woman, even through Instagram, to encourage you to speak truth to you because our marriages matter, and God sets them up as a hedge of protection for us. That's what they're intended to be. They don't always serve that purpose in a fallen world, but it's what they're intended to be.
And so, with the last couple of minutes that we have here on the radio portion, can you tell us how the Lord ultimately? has used Your loss of Matthew to kind of teach you some different things about your husband to knit your guys' hearts together in a different way. And to allow you guys to give each other the space you need to grieve in your own individual. Manners. Yes.
So after we had lost Matthew, my husband being the main provider for the family. had to go vi photograph a wedding. The day after we said goodbye. And I went home to plan a funeral. And I know my mom had to tell me this because we had a big fight before he left.
My mom said. As a man, it's your mind to provide. This is now you're thinking there's finances now. I got to do more. And as a woman, you want to be.
nurtured right now and and validated in your feelings and I wanted someone to hold me basically. But I Learning. It took my husband a couple years to really come into his feelings for this. He wouldn't share grieving stuff. He wouldn't post something on his story that was related to child loss.
But this year, he does share things. Like when Christmas happened, he posted something on his story about The Simpsons, and it was. I don't even watch the sentence, but the dad looking up at the sky and it says, Merry Christmas to you up there, and like little things like that that he didn't do a year and a half ago. Um so he's kind of coming into that now, which took a while, but. He had to quietly do it and kind of alone do it.
I was to. Maybe abrasive at first, like we need to grieve loudly together, you know? And he was like, no, this isn't the same for me as it is for you. Um And so I had to be patient with that and learn him over again, basically. Yeah.
And not even learn him over, because when we met, we didn't lose a child.
So this is a new emotion for both of us. Yeah. Um But Yeah. It also when I was pregnant with Matthew. He was very distant because he was very busy.
That's when his photography was like taken off.
So it was summer. I was pregnant. I went to all my ultrasounds by myself. Which is fine. It's pretty common for mothers to just go by themselves.
But even after Matthew was born, He would only hold him if I brought him down so I could get the other kids ready for bed. But it wasn't like he was going to go out of his way to pick the baby up or change his diaper or rock him to sleep. Mm-hmm. And That I think was At the time, it looked like he was very distant and didn't care about the boy, but I think that's also the Lord because he needed him to be a little detached.
So that it didn't hurt so much when he lost him, I guess. That's how I had to learn that. Like, maybe he needed to be busy and away because. Um The Lord was going to take him very soon. And Um Uh so I had to watch my husband kind of just slowly.
I don't know, learn this. Oh. And one we got pregnant with.
Well, when I got pregnant with Amel. He was very excited. And Very involved after that. Yeah, no.
Well, it sounds like the Lord used that to refine both of you, to create more patience and a more understanding heart in you toward your husband. And A more compassionate heart in your husband, a heart that truly. Sees the worth and the value of each of his children. I think that a lot of husbands actually have a harder time like fully connecting with a baby in that first year just because they can't talk, they can't walk, they don't interact. And so, a lot of men, I think, are challenged with that.
But when we come back, we're going to talk about how How God has refined your guys' characters, but also talking about how the church can support families that face. Unimaginable losses like this because we need one another. We need that community of Christ-centered, Christ-focused brothers and sisters who can rally around us and remind us of truth.
So, having children is one of life's greatest joys, and losing a child is one of life's greatest sorrows. And this sorrow can be compounded when people say things like we mentioned before: like, you're so strong, I could never go through what you're going through. Nobody ever anticipates walking. That road, right? You don't, you have no way to prepare for that, really, other than.
Knowing the Lord, knowing what's true of his character. You mentioned that you grew up in the church and that you. You knew in your mind, you knew what was true of God, right? But when we put it into practice, especially in, light of great sorrow. It becomes a different thing when you have to actually put your theology into practice.
I think you see much more clearly. What we actually believe, but the Lord refines it too. Because just like you said, you had months of feeling very angry, which again, That's a very normal reaction. Um And actually, one of the things I've learned recently is that a lot of times people, when they go through great suffering, they don't necessarily have a hard time. grappling with the sovereignty of God.
But they really can struggle with the goodness of God. Because nothing about losing your 27-day-old son, who was such a blessing, someone that you had waited for, prayed for. There's nothing that feels good. about losing him, especially in that manner. How How were you able to wrestle with the Lord directly?
And pour out all these big emotions that you are feeling. to the Lord and take them to him. Um, I had mentioned before, a community that supported me. Helped me restore my faith a lot. I thought I was alone in this, but I was clearly not.
We had people that donated money to us, that fed us, that checked in on us, that would put decorations at his accident site, and then they would send me a picture, or they would walk by and they would run into me and they'd say, I walk by that site all the time. That really restored. My faith because I was angry with him, but I knew that I could lean on him.
So it was kind of like apparent: you're mad at them, but you know you can rely on them. Yeah. So it makes a lot of sense.
So, and that's constantly why he's referred to as a father, or in Psalms, he talks about loving as a mother. And I Even though I was angry with him, one thing I told... Matthew, the last thing I told him right before I walked out of the hospital, I was the last one to be in the room with him. And I told them a story about a woman who had given up hope. Um But then he was born, and I promised him I would never give up hope again.
And because my prayer was answered when he was born. And my prayers are still answered. Our debt with the hospital was cleared months after he was born. Yes. So that was a blessing.
And then in the same time, I had found out that I was expecting. A baby. I think about the story of Job and how he lost everything, but then in the end, he got it back double. And I was like, the Lord, even though he gives, he takes away, he gives. And he sees our suffering, and he's like, it's only for a time.
I will reward you in due time. I think Isaiah talks about that a little bit: that he will not allow grief without allowing something new to be born. That it's the concept of bringing beauty from ashes. It's also a way to talk about his goodness because I know a lot of times we think about loss as why would God allow this to happen?
Well, it's in tragic, it's in tragedy that there's a testimony, and he has to sometimes make something awful so he can. Make something beautiful. Yeah, yes. I completely agree with that. We had talked about How you and your husband came up with Matthew's name and kind of that, you know, that tug of war between Maverick and Matthew.
When you found out that you were expecting the baby after Matthew. Was there an even greater significance in what you chose to name her? Yes. And I love that you asked me this because everybody thought we were going to go with an M.
Okay. It's not intentional that we, Matthew was intentionally an M, but Madeline was always going to be Madeline. And Melvin is named after his great grandpas.
So it just happened to be an M. Yeah. So. Everybody assumed that we were going to go with an M. And Caesar was picking out M names, and I couldn't agree on one of them.
I'm stubborn-headed, and he tells me this: the German really comes out once in a while.
So, um, but I'm pretty stubborn and said in my ways, but that's another reason why I also feel like God. I God puts me through what he puts me through. And it sounds bad to say that, but he knows that I'm going to get through it. You know, he's like, you have a personality that is. Very stubborn, but it's what you need.
Yeah. So I'm pretty stuck in my ways. but I didn't like any of the names and then one night it was a month before Anna was born I woke up because I had a dream and it was God screaming the name Annie at me. And so I was like, okay. My husband doesn't like the E sound, and I knew he wouldn't.
I knew he wouldn't like that. Um, so. I had a conversation with the Lord, and I was like, Well, what if we go with like Anna or Anna or Annabelle or something different? But my husband's not going to like the Annie. And it was September 13th.
I know you think I'm crazy because I remember all these dates. September 13th, I was having severe contractions. And this is three days after I told him about my dream. And I was having contractions, and it was way too early to have her. But I went into the hospital, and they're like, you are contracting, but you're not dilated.
So. Are you going under stress?
Well, when I think about it. E It was a year ago that I. I mean, September 14th was the accident.
So I don't know if my body just responded to trauma. And it caused me to have inter I didn't feel stressed, but it caused me to have some stress. which caused contractions. And the nurse that came in to check on us was pregnant when I had Matthew. And I asked her, what did you have?
And she said, I had a girl and we named her Annie. And I said, You gotta tell my husband that Yeah.
So, because it's too crazy that the Lord brought us in here on a day where my husband was doubting my dream of the name Annie. Um, but then she shared her story and He says, Alex, I don't really like Annie, but We liked Anna, and we went with Anna Lucia, which means gracious light.
Okay. Yeah, I actually. This is an interesting connection. I have a great grandmother by that name. And that's a beautiful name.
But also, going back, because I think the listeners aren't going to know this, but we had to start this episode over because we were having some sound issues.
So I don't think when we did the final recording here that you had mentioned this, but is that the same nurse that was named Rachel that delivered? Oh, it's not the same nurse. It's a different nurse.
Okay. Yeah. So the nurse that delivered Matthew wasn't pregnant at the time, but this was a different nurse that was checking in on us after he was born.
Okay. Yes. But She So with with Anna. You guys saw the significance in her name. And what about the significance in bringing you and your husband?
closer together and kind of helping restore Some of what had been I don't want to say broken, but some of some of... what had been challenged. In your marriage during the passing of Matthew, how did the Lord use Anna to help? heal both of your hearts a little bit. Uh Um She was exactly what everybody needed.
She Has helped us all in a little bit of different ways.
So she's a daddy's girl for sure. Anytime he comes in the door, she does this. Like come here. And he comes to her and she, I mean, she's with him right now. And He just holds her forever and she gives him kisses.
She says, Dad, dad, and she says, Dad, dad, and papa, which is like, cause we speak Spanish and English.
So, okay. Um, so she definitely. Clings to him, which is what he needed because all my other children cling to me.
Now she clings to me too, but she separates her love very evenly, I guess. Yeah. And even with my Melvin, Melvin was very sad to lose a brother. Because he feels like he's surrounded by girls. Yeah.
And Anna plays cars and action figures and wrestles and screams like a tomboy at him.
So she still gives him that like boyish time that he needs. And Madeline. Prayed for her, actually. When Matthew was born, he was only a week old. And Madeline had had enough with Melvin and she went up to her room, she prayed, she interceded because she was like, Lord, please don't let Melvin be like Mat.
Or let Matthew be like Melvin. I want a sister. Please give me a sister. It was a solid 45 minutes of tears and screaming. She prayed for a sister.
Wow. And she got her sister.
So she talks about that when we have like Bible study and stuff. She talks about that testimony for her that was answered for her. Got it. Um so Anna has healed parts of all of us. And That's just what the Lord knew we needed.
And it's crazy because. We talk about Matthew with her. And we show a picture of him, and she says goodnight to him almost every night. But we never tell her, like, oh, he's up in heaven and point to the sky or something. But just last week, Caesar asked her, Where's Matthew?
And she pointed up to the sky. And then I just started bawling because I'm like. We always try to say, like, oh, you must have met each other before. Like, we tell ourselves we don't really know, but we like to believe that they do, you know? Um, and that Matthew picture or whatever.
But she definitely softened my husband a lot. He smiled a lot more because she does that little. come to me thing. And yesterday he was working in his office, and she brought toys to him.
So she just hangs out on the floor and hangs out with him. Like, She gives him the the space he needs, but also like I'm here in case you need something else. Hello. That's very cute. How old were Madeline and Melvin when you lost Matthew?
It was 2023. Melvin was four, Madeline was five.
Okay. So to pivot just a little bit, how How did you hear you're like in this swirl of emotion and not only grieving Matthew, but there's actually a different layer to this because of the fact that Matthew is so young.
So, you, I mean, you're postpartum, you're nursing. Um, a lot's going on still. Hormonally and bodily for you, anyway, regardless of this grief. But now you're called to not only walk through postpartum, which many people call the fourth trimester. You're walking through the loss of Matthew.
You're having challenges with your husband and communicating grief effectively together. And you've got these two little kids that just lost their little brother that you're having to not only tend to all their needs, but now you've got to tend to their grief and their questions as well. What did that look like in your family? Yeah. Um It was kind of.
I don't know a lot. I remember going to my postpartum appointment. By my six-week appointment by myself, because at the time I had already lost Matthew. My doctor didn't even think I was going to come, but I'm like, well, I. I want to come because I need to talk to someone, you know?
And so. I came and basically I didn't know what to, I don't, I don't even know. It was kind of a blank, a gray area for a long time. of what do I do, how do I get through this? I still have to get kids ready for school.
That was the other thing when he had passed, they had just been started back to school. And so, this is a big thing, Madeline's in. Kindergarten that was huge, um, and So I didn't want to basically put her like make her feel bad and forgotten because this is exciting for her. Um So I kind of just you you learn this is probably going to sound very. But you learn as a mother.
to push That sadness aside for a little bit, um, because people are relying on you, and that sounds awful because we preach and preach to people like you're validated in your feelings, and you are. Um, and take all the time you need and grieve if you don't want to get out of bed, don't get out of bed. But what I would tell someone is, you need to get out of bed because if you don't, you're going to be stuck in your head. And I was like, when they would go to school. I was like, I'm alone and I don't like it.
And. And I was going through postpartum. I had a milk coming, but no baby to feed. And so. I Was gonna, people were giving me tips on how to like dry up my milk.
Well, then somebody reached out to me. And said You shared on your Facebook that you have all this milk. And I have someone, a friend of mine that goes to my church. She needs milk for her baby. And lo and behold, her friend, the person that reached out to me and the friend that she's talking about is my cousin.
Oh, wow. Yes. She wasn't going to like message me to ask because, you know, circumstances. Yeah. But when she told me the name of the mom, I was like, 100%.
I said, I'm going to keep making milk as long as I can for this baby. And so we did. For a little while, my cousin would come and get milk, and it felt purposeful again. Yeah. And It made it easy to get because as a mom, we always want purpose.
And yes, I had my other two babies, but the things they need aren't what my body was going through. I need to feed a baby. And I didn't have the baby to feed until my cousin comes around, and now I felt good again. And I think. That's what I would tell someone: is don't lay in bed forever.
You have purpose. You need to find purpose. If you can't find it, someone will help you. You know? Yeah.
It's just reaching out and talking about it because.
Sometimes we sit, I remember growing up, my mom would always say, this too shall pass. And that's yes and all, but like It has to pass because there's up like There's a new day. Tomorrow, there's hope in the morning, you know? Like, it's so true. And so I think that's what kind of helped me: I got my purpose from.
reaching out to people and people reaching out to me. And as a mom? That's what we need. I think that's so neat that You found your purpose in serving somebody else, actually, in the depth of your suffering. And here's something that.
Makes you very intimately connected with Matthew, right? It's the Lord supplied this milk for Matthew. It was Matthew's milk. And yet the Lord Put it on your heart to serve somebody else with something that belonged to your precious baby. Did you find, would your cousin come over and like, would you guys be able to have some conversations where you could kind of grieve a little bit with her there?
Was that an outlet for you at all? No, um I I think I was so grieved out. by this time 'cause this would be like October. I had cried a lot that I kind of stopped for a little while. I remember somebody stopping by to drop off a meal.
She's bawling. She's like, I can't imagine what you're going through. And I'm not crying. And she goes, Here I am, a mess. And you're not even crying.
And I was like. I think I've cried out for now. I mean. But that's like the stages of grief.
Sometimes it's you're just asking why and then eventually you're kind of just in this place of I guess limbo where you don't know what to do or how to react and Maybe you look a little heartless, um, but That's just learning for you, and other people can expect them to understand that too, because. I don't know, it's just um I think I was, I don't know where I was going with this, but I feel like I was just kind of cried out for a little while. Yeah, I think real quick, because we use this program as an equipping program, too, that's an important thing to talk about. It's not heartless for you to not. Be tearful during that time.
There are different seasons, but not only different seasons, you can have different emotions in one day, you know. And it's part of that, part of that really is the grace of God because you can't, as you just said, you can't, especially as a mom, you literally cannot stay in bed all day and wallow in your grief. You can't. You have to fulfill the other purposes that God has put in your life too, with the other children you have, or with your husband, or your household, whatever it may be. And I think that.
It is wonderful and good and right for people in the church to step in and help with that load, whether it's bringing meals, offering child care, offering to can I come over and do a load of laundry for you? Can I come over and just spend the afternoon folding laundry with you? Whatever it might be. Look for active ways to serve, but understand that Grief looks different moment by moment for really many, many years. Especially in that first year, because there's almost like this hedge of.
Kind of a hedge of protection that God gives you where you're sort of in. a shock factor too like it doesn't always feel real Um And so I just, I want to challenge the listeners right now to be very careful to. Judge somebody else's grief or the depth of their grief. And that goes on both sides. Like, don't assume that they aren't grieving because you don't see their tears, but also don't rush those tears.
When you see those tears, don't say, It's been two years, you're still crying. Right, right. Yes, there's going to be times throughout their whole life where they're going to grieve that. That's okay for us to do that. Death and sickness, those are results of the sin.
Those are, those are not. That's not how God intended it. It's good and right for us to grieve that which was fallen, right? Matthew, Matthew, his time on earth was so seemingly short. And that's it was a result of us being separated from God ultimately, and now we know He's safe in the arms of God, but.
It's good and right for us to grieve that and to grieve that alongside one another.
So, if you're visiting somebody, which please do that, if you know that someone has lost a loved one, especially a little baby or a spouse. Visit them. Visit them, as James says, visit them in their distress. Don't wait until you think they're all better to go have a conversation. Be willing to sit there and have those hard conversations, or even to sit there and be quiet.
And be still that that can be very. Presence is powerful. Yes. I remember getting a lot of messages from people: like, when you're ready, let me know when I can come over or something. I never know when I'm ready.
That's the thing. Like, even to this day, I'm like, I'm a hot mess on this little interview because all the emotions are coming back. But. In the morning, I was just fine, you know, like prior to this, and I'll probably be fine in the afternoon. But in the initial time when it happened, when you say that to someone, let me know when you're ready, they're not going to know when they're ready.
And actually, it's better to just be like, knock on the door, leave a busy box for their kids. One of my friends mailed us a busy box to keep them busy. Because I wasn't up for doing crafts or something. And they just mailed it. And that was great.
and or just knocking on the door and like leaving a little something on the doorstep. Because the person who's grieving is not going to reach out and be like, I'm ready for you to come visit me. Right. Yeah, and removing any of those pretenses where they feel like they have to play hostess. You know, it's like just.
Show up. Chances are, in the midst of grief, you're walking into a disheveled home. Don't look at that and think, oh man, they're really not keeping up. Look at it as an opportunity to serve. You come in and you say, Hey, can you just?
I'd love to hear about Matthew or love to hear about your day, whatever it might be. How, you know, how's your day been? Take it in small chunks. How's your day been? How's your week been?
But then actively look for ways to serve them. And that's how you can be the hands and feet of Christ. But you have to look for those ways and not put the pressure on the grieving person to tell you. How they want to be served or need to be served. You know, I want to ask you one final question here, which is just.
You know, as far as growing up in the church and thinking about the protection of the Lord and the Lord being. being our refuge, how have you seen I guess Maybe traditionally we think of protection as like the Lord would have protected me and Matthew from that accident. Right, right. But the Lord can protect us in other ways. The Lord can protect us by growing our faith.
The Lord can protect us by taking us out of complacency and making us more on fire for him, more purposeful in our walk with him. How has your definition of what the protection and refuge of the Lord How has that shifted over the years? Um You know, I always believed in heaven and I always knew that was the goal. And I couldn't wait for the day that I got to meet Jesus. But When you have a baby or even a mom or dad or a loved one in heaven.
It makes heaven all the more awesome and all more of the goal. Like, I mean, Jesus was always the goal, but something about a reunion up there with the ones we miss and or didn't even get to have a life with just keeps It's a big dream I have and I can't wait for it. But also knowing that You know, you had mentioned like God could have protected us during that accident. I believe that he did. when it had happened.
I remember the car spinning and I said, Jesus, the baby, the baby. That's all he's saying. And when I got out of the vehicle, I went back to see him. And as our vehicle, I mean, was is smushed. But nothing touched him.
He didn't have a, I had glass. Pieces in my leg, and I mean, not like huge chunks, but like little specks like of. cuts all over. And he didn't have anything touch him. And I just really believe that the Lord protected him so nothing would fall on him or break him or and just took him right then and there.
So that because he would have been, if he did live, he would have just been machines. Attached to machines for as long as his body was already kind of rejecting the medicine. After when, as long as his body would allow him to stay. Yeah. Um.
But I do believe that the Lord protected us in different ways, right then and there. And the Lord knew I'm a chatty Kathy, and I will talk about Matthew forever.
So he needed me to be okay to talk about Matthew. And He brought people into my life. I was very much alone as a stay-at-home mom. Um because all my friends worked and I didn't and I just was a mom, like kids were my life. But then after losing Matthew, people were really coming out of the woodwork to.
Befriend me and take me out for coffee. And then I had built solid, solid friendships. And I mean, if you ask me like. Would I not have like would I take Matthew over these friendships? I would probably say yes.
But also, the Lord knows that I needed people to encourage me and surround me and.
So they basically forced their friendships on me and I accepted them. And when I shared his video on Instagram, I was not expecting it to go the way it went. It wasn't for. Views or likes, or hit some algorithm theory. It's just part of my story now, and that's all I was doing.
But to have people reach out from all over the world. And still Uh just It's awesome and it's amazing. And people will pray for him and they'll message me, like, I talked to Matthew this morning and I sang him a song. And that is just beautiful. Like, if I could tell people that too, like, I was thinking about this the other day.
If you've done something to like honor someone's loved one, let that person know because sometimes they think they're alone in their grief or in honoring their. The person they lost, but that's not always true. You know, like I said, people decorate his little accident site. And send a picture. That's wonderful because he didn't live long.
And that was one thing that crossed my mind: how will anybody remember him? Nobody met him, you know? Yeah. But people will remember him and As long as I continue to grieve loudly and talk about him. Then they have to remember him because yeah, I think that's that's a neat sentiment to think that as long as you grieve loudly, that they'll remember him.
But not only are they going to remember him, Alex, but because of the testimony that you are sharing, they're going to remember that God is a refuge. That, you know, Nehemiah 8 talks to us about the fact that we don't have to be grieved and robbed of joy because the Lord is our refuge. And 1 Thessalonians remind us that we don't grieve as those without hope. And you see that in your testimony. And so I appreciate you coming on today.
And I appreciate you being vulnerable and being chatty about this because that's what's going to make other moms who have lost a baby feel like. I'm going to survive. And not only am I going to survive, but I am going to live to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
So, Alex, thank you so much for joining us today on Hope in the Morning. Yes. Can I leave one verse to just let me check? Yes. So when Matthew had passed, I.
My dad and my pastor had referenced the when David had lost his son, and there was a verse. in 2 Samuel, I believe, where he says, He can't come to me, but I'm going to go to him. And that is so true. When I had mentioned heaven sounding so much wonderful, like even more wonderful with a baby. Matthew will never come back, but I can continue to live for God, continue to talk about this testimony and all the other testimonies afterwards, because there's people that need to be reached, and I need to get having some babies.
Yeah, and I want to put one more thing out there for moms that have lost babies. First of all, I do want to say that our stance here at Hope in the Morning is that those children truly are safe in the arms of God, that the Lord, in His grace and His mercy, Has brought those children to him and that they are with the Lord in heaven. But there's also a book that I think might be a comforting resource for some moms. It's by John MacArthur, and it's called Safe in the Arms of God. And I think that that is.
A good resource if you're struggling to understand where is my baby. And can I trust that he or she is really with the Lord? And can I trust that the Lord is good, even in the loss of my baby?
So, I would definitely recommend that resource. I will link it down below here. But, Alex, thank you for sharing about your precious Matthew. And I hope that everybody that saw his sweet little picture will just continue to pray for you and for your family, that the Lord would continue to strengthen your faith and give you opportunities to share your testimony. Thank you.
Thank you for having me. Yes, thank you, Alex. Hope in the Morning is a non-profit ministry that seeks to encourage the hurting. Equip those who walk beside them, and evangelize the lost with the hope of Jesus Christ. To partner with our ministry or to make a donation in your loved one's honor, please visit hopeinthemorning.org.
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