Shade for Our Children

If you want a child who is a grief and a rebel and a sorrow and a disaster and a disgrace and a humiliation and a user and a shame, then don't do anything. But if you'll discipline that child, set a standard, live by the standard, discipline to the standard, your children will love you, delight in you, and comfort your heart. Welcome to Grace to You with John MacArthur.

I'm your host, Phil Johnson. What do children need most? A good education? Positive encouragement?

Freedom to express themselves? Unconditional love? Sure, those are good, even necessary things, but none of them addresses the most important issue for parents, namely, how do you raise your kids so that as much as it can depend on you, they'll commit their lives to Christ?

Find out in John MacArthur's lesson today. It's directed at anyone who's a mom or dad or anyone who's preparing to be one, and the lesson is titled Shade for Our Children. So open your Bible to the book of Ephesians and follow along as John begins today's lesson. Open your Bible, if you will, to Ephesians chapter 6, Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4.

The verse says, "'And fathers,' or better, parents, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." An old Chinese proverb says this, one generation plants the trees and another gets the shade. You and I are still living in the shade of some trees that were planted by our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. We are shaded to some degree by their moral standards, their spiritual commitment, their value system, their sense of right and wrong, their commitment to duty. We are shaded by what our parents and grandparents planted.

And the question that faces us today is what kind of trees are being planted today to shade the future generation from what may well be the blistering heat of an anti-Christ dominated world? Are we planting anything or are we leaving our children totally exposed? Well, Scripture is certainly clear when it speaks of our responsibility to our children. God has set the standards and any mother knows that children are supposed to be a blessing. And they are usually when they arrive, there are some mothers who don't want them at all and so they have them aborted. There are some mothers who even having given birth to them don't want them, so they dump them in a trash bin or give them away.

And there are most mothers who want them at first and then after a few years aren't sure they want them anymore. Children are supposed to be a blessing. Children are supposed to be a joy. Children are supposed to be a benediction from the Lord to grace our lives with fulfillment and meaning and happiness and satisfaction. They're given for our joy and yet they turn out to be heartbreak upon heartbreak upon heartbreak.

Left exposed to this world and unshaded by the proper kind of protection, they will indeed break your heart. Now how is it that with God's purpose that children ought to bring us joy and happiness, contentment, satisfaction and love, that instead they become a heartbreak? Marriages and families in our time tend to be war zones, disaster areas.

Homes aren't havens. There isn't peace and joy and contentment and bliss, rather conflict, intimidation, estrangement and a generation of people being raised today exposed rather than shaded by any kind of proper God-ordained standard of living. Now we need to go back to our text to find out how to raise that child right. Let me give you the first three verses. Children, obey your parents and the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Now the first thing He says, and I'm only going to briefly mention it, is that children are called to obey and honor. Obey is the act, honor is the attitude. So what we want out of children is obedience and honor. They need to learn attitudinally to honor their parents and in terms of action to obey their parents. They don't know this naturally.

Do you understand that? The Minnesota Crime Commission acknowledges this when it writes, quote, every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered. He wants what he wants, when he wants it, his bottle, his mother's attention, his playmates' toys, his uncle's watch. You deny him these things once and he seizes with rage and aggressiveness which would be murderous were he not so helpless. He's dirty, he has no morals, doesn't know anything and has no developed skills.

Sounds like a bum on Skid Row. This means that all children, says the Minnesota Crime Commission, all children, not just certain children, all children are born delinquent. If permitted to continue in their self-centered world of infancy, given free rein to their impulsive actions to satisfy each want, every child would grow up a criminal, a thief, a killer, a rapist, end quote.

So folks, if you want to prevent that, you've got a little work to do. Children develop in four areas and it's indicated to us in Luke 2, 52. Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, favor with God and man, right? Wisdom, that's mentally. Stature, that's physically. Favor with God, that's spiritually.

And man, that's socially. Mentally, physically, spiritually, socially children develop. When they come into the world, they are undeveloped. They have to be taught to obey for this is right. And God gave this commandment and put a promise in it for long life if they would have the right attitude. Honor means the spirit of obedience. Obedience means the act of obedience. They are to honor their parents which means they have such respect for them, they want to do what is right and then they're to do what is right. But they aren't going to do that automatically.

They have to be trained to do that. The key, of course, is the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit-filled life even for a child. Children need to be under the control of the Holy Spirit, but they need to be taught that by their parents.

We have a tremendous task at hand. And if you don't teach your children to honor and obey you, then your children will break your heart. Proverbs tells you what will happen, and I won't look up all the verses, I'll just give you the list. Proverbs says, if you don't do this, if you don't discipline your child and raise your child properly, he will be a grief to his mother, a rebel to his father, a sorrow to his father, a disaster to his father, a disgrace to his parents, a humiliation to his parents, a user of his parents.

And then look at chapter 29, verse 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but the child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. He'll shame you.

He'll be an embarrassment to you. If you want a child who is a grief and a rebel and a sorrow and a disaster and a disgrace and a humiliation and a user and a shame, then don't do anything. But if you'll discipline that child, set a standard, live by the standard, discipline to the standard, your children will love you, delight in you, and comfort your heart.

Now, let's go back to Ephesians and see the specifics of what the apostle says. We have a tremendous gift from God in our children. They are to bring us immense joy.

They are to bring us delight, blessing, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, consolation, satisfaction. And we're looking at a society where children, for most people, are a pain, a disaster. They break their parents' hearts with their drinking, with their drugs, with their sexual promiscuity, with their moderate or extreme criminal behavior, with their lack of values, with their lack of honor and regard for their parents. They shame their parents. They terrorize their parents in some cases.

They manipulate and monopolize the home. That's not God's intention. How are you going to take that little savage, as cute and cuddly as he is or she is, and guarantee that this one is going to be a joy to you? Here's the principle stated in verse 4, negatively do not provoke your children to anger, positively bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. That's it. It isn't that complicated. You don't have to be a child psychologist to figure it out.

You don't have to go to a thousand seminars and buy all the books on the shelf. It is not that difficult. Notice verse 4. The word fathers there is patera. It normally is used for the male head of the family, but sometimes is used of parents. That's how it's translated, for example, in Hebrews 11 23 where it talks about the parents of Moses. It includes, of course, the idea of the father's headship but also of the mother's partnership.

And really, we should translate it that way here. Verse 1 says, children, obey your parents and implied in verse 4, and parents do this with your children. So he's talking to mothers and fathers and he's giving them the responsibility together. That's the partnership. They do it together. Proverbs 4 3 brings the father and the mother together in the instruction of the children. Both have to be involved in that mental, physical, social, spiritual development.

So both parents are involved, both parents. Now what do they do negatively? Do not provoke your children to anger.

That's the negative thing. You say, well, what does that mean? Don't make them angry.

Well, yes, but it means more than that. The word provoke, used only twice, has the idea of irritating them. It has the idea of making them intensely angry underneath, exasperating them, embittering them, disheartening them so they become frustrated, angry.

How do you do that? How do you provoke your children to that kind of anger? Let me give you some ways so you can avoid them.

One, by overprotection. You want to really frustrate your child? Fence them in. Don't trust them. Don't give them enough opportunity to develop their own independence so they can find out who they are. You want to really frustrate them?

Don't let them take any risks. And you'll create an angry mood, especially when they compare themselves with what other children are allowed to do. They need to be themselves.

They're people, they're persons there. They need to express themselves little by little by little. They need to learn to face life on their own. Give them that rope, let them do that.

They'll learn and they'll learn the best way they learn, by hitting the wall down there. But if you overprotect them, you'll exasperate them. And an exasperated child is an angry child and an angry child is going to have a loving relationship with his parents. Secondly, another way to provoke your child to wrath is by favoritism. Favor one child over the other.

That is very frustrating. Don't ever compare your children. You want to see the tragedy of that, read again the story of Jacob and Esau. Don't compare your children with each other.

Each is unique, each gift from God, each to be loved and beloved because they are special. Another way to exasperate your children is by pushing achievement. Push them in the area of achievement. Just keep pushing and pushing and pushing until they never have a sense of having accomplished anything.

Nothing is ever enough. If they get C's, you demand B's. If they get B's, you demand A's.

If they get A's, you demand all A's and they can't satisfy you. Some parents literally crush their children with pressure, school, sports, academic achievement, music, whatever it is. The child gets very, very bitter.

I remember a young girl and I was visiting her in the UCLA psychiatric clinic. She eventually killed herself. Beautiful girl, but she could never achieve the grade point that her parents pushed her to achieve. And finally she killed herself and that was her way of saying, I'm so angry at you because of the pain you've put in my life because I can never succeed. I never have a sense of accomplishment that I'm going to make you hurt the rest of your life. And so she killed herself and in effect said, now live with that.

She gave back the hurt. Another way you can exasperate your child is by overindulgence. Give them everything they want and you know what? If they don't get the next thing they want, they get angry.

Have you noticed that? Have you noticed at Christmas when they get way more than they can possibly get that when some other kid picks up one thing that they've got out of a dozen, they get angry? That will just move on into adulthood. Overindulgence leads to anger when they don't get what they want. And then when they grow up and they get in an environment where they work and they're paid by somebody else and it's not mom and dad anymore and you've got to earn what you get and they don't get what they want, they get so angry they'll hurt to get it, even kill to get it, steal to get it.

Another way to make an angry, bitter child is by discouragement. Just remind them all the time they'll never amount to anything. Just remind them all the time that they're not any good, they're useless, they're in the way. Don't give them any rewards, don't give them any approval, don't do any nice things for them, don't honor them. You'll destroy their initiative, you'll destroy their incentive, you'll destroy their motivation.

Another way to provoke your children to anger is to make them feel like an intrusion in your life, fail to sacrifice for them. Leave them all the time. Make them fend for themselves. Make them fix their own meals, make them clean their own room, make them buy their own stuff, make them take care of their own deals, get their own transportation. Don't take them places because you can't be bothered. Don't let them get in your way because you've got to do your stuff. Have them become slaves around the house to do all your work. Make no sacrifice for them and they'll resent you. Another way to provoke your children to wrath is by failing to allow them to grow up, by not letting them make mistakes, not letting them goof up. Have you ever been at a table where some kid spilled milk and you thought the parents had just seen the Holocaust? Such an unbelievable overreaction. Or when some little kid gives a stupid idea and you say, boy, that's a stupid idea. Now wait a minute. Let them share some of their ridiculous ideas and not be condemned.

Don't expect perfection, just progress. You can also exasperate your children by neglect...by neglect. The story of Absalom is probably the story of neglect, as sad as any I know of. I remember a youth pastor friend of mine overheard his little boy in the backyard talking to the friend next door. The friend next door said, I'm going to the park with my dad. And this youth pastor's little boy said to his friend, oh, my dad doesn't have time to go to the park with me, he's too busy with other people's children.

It just shattered him, changed the framework of his life. I tell people all the time, you know, I've had a deal with my two sons. Both my boys went through school playing baseball and the simple deal was, I go to your games, you come to my sermons. That's the way it goes.

I'll be a part of your life, you be a part of my life. It's not that complicated. Don't neglect them.

I believe it's the greatest sin today. Just neglect your kids, just leave them alone. That's a throwaway child.

Be involved in their lives. Another way that you can provoke them to anger is by bitter words and physical cruelty. Physical cruelty ought to be obvious. Bitter words might not be as obvious.

Your tongue is so much sharper than a child's that you can use ridicule, sarcasm, you can slice them up with your tongue because of your superior vocabulary, just like you can beat them up because of your superior strength. You realize that we say things to our kids that we wouldn't say to another human being on the face of the earth, except our wives or our spouse? We would never say the things we say to our children, probably not even those things to our spouse. That should not be.

That should not be. A wife who refuses to submit to her husband in love as to Christ will destroy the whole authority submission principle in the child's life. A husband who refuses to love his wife as Christ loved the church will destroy the authority submission principle in the child's life. The family just needs to be what God says it to be. Husband loves wife. Wife submits to husband in love.

Those two love each other. Those two raise the children in the things of Christ. They don't provoke them to anger. In the end, the child is the blessing, the joy, the comfort, the consolation that God intended. One other simple thing, you need to set an example and live it. Someone wrote, if a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world. We don't want to provoke our children to anger, to bitterness, discouragement. What do we want to do?

Let's go to the positive. Raise them up. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

That's very simple, isn't it? The discipline and instruction of the Lord assumes the Scripture. The law of the Lord, Deuteronomy 6, meditate on it all the time. Teach it to your children. This idea of discipline is an interesting word. The word discipline, paideia, means to rear a child. And it implies training and training is an interesting concept.

Let me see if I can give you a definition. Training means rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment. That's training. Rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment.

That's what you have to do with a child. You say, here's the standard, we set it, we follow it, setting an example, we hold you to it. If you meet it, we reward you. If you violate it, we punish you, plain and simple...plain and simple. Discipline then is training by rules and regulations enforced by rewards and punishment. And we have to do that. We say, here's God's standard of right behavior. We will live it, mom and dad, that's the example, and we will hold you to it and reward you when you follow it, punish you when you don't. But what about the word instruction?

That's obvious. That simply means teaching with warning and view. The word is admonition, verbal instruction with a view of judgment. We warn you. That's teaching with teeth in it.

If you keep doing that, there's going to be consequence. Susanna Wesley, the mother of 17, including both John and Charles Wesley, once wrote, the parent who studies to subdue self-will in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving of a soul. The parent who indulges self-will does the devil's work, makes religion impractical, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to drown his child's soul and body forever, end quote. Now God forgives our mistakes. We make mistakes with our children. But if the general format is right, we have a standard. We live by that standard.

We hold you to that standard. And all of this in an environment where mom and dad love each other and love you. You've got the makings of godly children. A mother might look back at her life and say, if I could do it over again, how would I change it? Maybe some of you could identify with this mother who said, I would love my husband more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more at my mistakes and joys. I would listen more even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection, admitting I was wrong. I would pray differently for my family. Rather than focusing on them, I'd focus on me. I would do more things together with my children.

I would do more encouraging. I would bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, deeds and words of thankfulness. I would share God more intimately out of every ordinary thing of every day.

I would move toward God. That's John MacArthur, Chancellor of the Masters University and Seminary. Today's lesson here on Grace to You is titled Shade for Our Children. John, this idea of providing shade for our children, you've taught and written for decades about the home and parenting and the things that threaten the fabric of the family. And the assaults on the family seem to have become more depraved than ever. And that's because it is our children who are clearly in the world's crosshairs. So talk about that for a minute. Yeah, it really isn't anything new.

You go back to Deuteronomy and God warned parents to teach his law, his word to their children. Why? Because the enemy, Satan himself and all his accommodating minions, obviously go after the most vulnerable. That's an obvious strategy. And so we're not surprised at that. But in our particular culture today, the assault on children is not subtle. It's not hidden.

It's not discreet. It's open, blatant hostility in ways that are just beyond comprehension. How could you convince a generation of children that a man can be pregnant? And if you say a man can't be pregnant, that's hate speech. I mean, it's so irrational. It's so wrong that you would think nobody would try to make it convincing.

But that's not the way it works. The popular culture has turned on young people with an unimaginable barrage of destructive assaults. And the kids are vulnerable. I mean, they're very vulnerable, particularly when things like this are influenced by media personalities and by teachers in their schools. And it raises the stakes of what parenting has to do.

And I think it really makes the issue of a stay at home mom compelling. You have to protect your kids 24-7. You can't leave them to their own devices.

And you can't expect that they can navigate the lies that are everywhere around them. So I want to encourage you to get a copy of the book, The War on Children. It's a dynamic book. I don't think you'll be able to put it down once you start reading it. Fascinating look at what the culture is doing to try to destroy your children and what you can do to counter that and not only come through it, but come through it triumphantly and have your children grow up to know and love the Lord. 220 pages available now from Grace To You. Just order the book, The War on Children.

Thanks, John. Friend, this book will help you protect your kids in a day when the attacks on them are more destructive than ever. And remember, today, May 9, is the last day to take advantage of our current sale prices. So order your copy of The War on Children today. You can place your order online at gty.org or when you call us at 800-55-GRACE. During the sale, the price for The War on Children is $15, and shipping is still free. To order, call 800-55-GRACE or shop online at gty.org.

And remember, it's not just the book, The War on Children, but almost everything we sell is available for a significant discount, and that includes individual volumes from the MacArthur New Testament Commentary Series, the MacArthur Study Bible, and all of John's other books. Again, the sale ends today, May 9, so place your order right away. If it's between 730 and 4 o'clock Pacific Time, you can order by phone. Just call us at 800-55-GRACE. Or you can place your order anytime today at gty.org. Now for John MacArthur and our entire staff, I'm Phil Johnson. Watch Grace To You television this Sunday on DirecTV Channel 378, and then be here next week as John begins a study that will deepen your trust in the Bible and help you defend it from the world's attacks. Don't miss the next 30 minutes of unleashing God's truth one verse at a time, on Monday's Grace To You!