Discovering Your Child’s Learning Style (Part 1 of 2)

Well, it's hard to believe, but the new school year is here. And with it, of course, comes homework. And if you have more than one child, I'm pretty sure you can relate to this scenario from our guest, Cynthia Tobias. Michael did his homework at the kitchen table quietly, just like a good child should. But Robert, he goes out in the living room and every day during the fourth grade, every night for homework, he was on his stomach on top of the coffee table with his feet dangling in the air doing his homework. And both boys did their homework. And I had to say, well, we're just not going to put anything on the coffee table because the bottom line is, oh, my goodness, if he does his homework and that works, I'm in favor.

Well, it's true that every child is different in the way that they learn and get things done. And today you're going to be hearing more about that from Cynthia Tobias and about how you can help your child succeed this school year. Our host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. And I'm John Fuller. And John, what happened this summer? Where did it go?

I do not know. I don't know about you, but I'm ready, I think, for it to be over. Man, we did so much camping and hiking this summer.

I'm worn out. There's something about the routine that a new school year brings. I think we all kind of look forward to this.

Yeah, we're settling into the groove. Well, except for the homework part. My boys are not big homework fans. But here at the beginning of a new school year, I think it's wise for us to visit this topic and get our mindset as parents to hopefully have a good year to engage the teachers and help our kids with the new classes and just do what we can to make it the most successful year that they've had. The school year can be overwhelming for both kids and parents because of all that's demanded of us. And I just want to remind us to be encouraged and hopefully we'll hear some eye opening insights into your child's heart and how he or she may be thinking about the upcoming school year. Well, to do that, we have one of our favorite guests back, Cynthia Tobias, and we sat down with her in Seattle.

We had a small conference room there and a handful of friends joined us for the conversation. Let's go ahead and listen to that now on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Cynthia, you are so insightful and we want to cover your book today, The Way They Learn. This is one of the classic Focus on the Family programs. Over the years, so many parents have benefited from your insights. So welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thank you. It's great to be here.

Let's see, Cynthia, let's start right out of the gate. What's one thing parents can do as we're starting school? What's one thing they can do this year to help ensure their kids have a good experience at school? By far, the number one thing would be to focus on strengths. There's a lot of talk about strengths and all that, but really focus on strengths. What's good about your child? What do they do well? You don't have to be an expert to know what is their learning style, how am I going to figure it out? Just be the observer that you are as a parent. Where are they happiest?

When are they most successful when they're playing and when they're relaxing? And how can we transfer strengths like that to the tasks that they're going to have to learn to do in school? Cynthia, so often parents fail at this. I mean, we're the adults and they're the children, but we fail to understand how to observe them, how to encourage them.

Where are some of the areas that we fail in our parenting? Well, it kind of starts with our marriage. You know, we often marry somebody opposite because we think it's going to be a refreshing perspective, and on a day-to-day basis, just not that refreshing. And the reason for the marriage as much as the parents is because we're living proof that our way works.

I mean, that's natural. And so if I'm the parent and you're the child, I want you to do it my way. Why would I do it your way? It doesn't even make sense to me. I want you to do it— I've heard that so much in my home of late. Exactly.

I want you to do it because I know that this works and I'm your parent, and I'm charged by God and by the Bible to train you in the way that works. And we forget that the Creator and Designer, they are just no two alike. And I have twins and I can tell you that they're no two alike.

Well, let's talk about that. Why do kids come out differently? I mean, again, parents would think they're going to be like us.

That's not the case, is it? Because life is such a mystery. I mean, it's part of what we love about God, isn't it? That we're fearfully and wonderfully and complexly made. And we celebrate that until we get a kid who we look at each other and say, where did we get this one? And he's not like you, he's not like me.

How are we supposed to deal with someone who's so strange to us? Okay, let's ease the pressure for so many parents. Because if you have more than one child, or maybe if you only have one child, you might be having that conversation.

That's not the child I expected. What do you need to do to connect with that child? Rather than see the differences, how can you build the bridge? Well, you need to pull back a little and slow down and kind of watch, observe, and instead of interacting, I remember reading a book on twins where it said, you know, you need to spend five or ten minutes a day with each one by themselves.

And you need to not correct, not direct. Put them in a safe place and just watch what they do and give them as little instruction as possible. And watch how they do it.

Because, you know, we're constantly saying, no, don't do that, don't go on and slide backwards, and don't do this and don't do that. And so we never really get a chance to see, what do they enjoy? And how can I really nurture that and make learning so when they go to school and even before they go to school, how can learning be something they really like to do? And that the joy of discovery is what we're missing a lot in the classroom. So at the very least, as parents, we can keep that nurtured and keep that celebrated.

Let's bookmark that because I want to come back to that. But when you talk about different personality types and styles, of course there's that great scripture in Proverbs about training up a child in the way they should go. That really caught your attention. And you mentioned that in the book, the way they learn. How do you apply that scripture and what's really being said in that proverb? Several years ago, I spoke at the McChord Air Force base out there with one of the chaplains. And we talked about Proverbs 22, 6, which is train up a child in the way he should go.

And when he's old, he will not depart from it. And the chaplain, who's actually kind of a Greek and Hebrew scholar, he reads the Septuagint for Light after dinner reading. He came up to me and he said, you know, you might be interested to know that that particular verse. He said the verb train is used uniquely there as it is used nowhere else. He said in the original language, it was the word they used for when the baby was first born for the clearing of the mouth so he could breathe. And the word literally translated means create an environment for life. And he said, if you look in the Amplified Bible, for example, that proverb says training a child in the way he should go and according to their individual gifts or bent.

So that's actually in the language as well. So if you read it more accurately, it's create an environment for life for a child according to his individual gifts or bent. And when he is old, he will not depart from it. And really in creating an environment for life means not constant criticism, not constant forcing to conform, but looking at outcomes and goals and obviously keeping things in boundaries, but really finding what will be creating a life, an environment that my child enjoys, loves, wants to come home to, feels confident. I mean, if we can create confident learners from the very beginning in school, then we've given them the best gift of all when they leave school and they go out into the world. You've said something there that really caught my attention and it's our passion as parents to set up the rules and the boundaries and then we guard them jealously. It seems like the right thing to do, but you're saying that may not be job one?

That's right. In fact, there's a lot of research that backs this up. You know, I had one lady came up to me after a PTA meeting and she said, oh, my fifth grade daughter, she uses her learning style and all her strengths and stuff. She uses it as an excuse. She says that on Thursday nights, she can only do her homework between 8 and 830 while she watches her favorite TV show. She said, I think that's just a big fat excuse.

And I said, well, there's one way to find out. As long as it's a television show you approve of this Thursday night, let her do her homework between 8 and 830 while she watches the show. But what should you do at 830? You collect the homework. Now, if it's done and done correctly, you have to say, whoa, I could never do it this way, but you obviously can because it works. But if you collect it and it's not done or not done well, you get to say, nice try.

We won't be trying that again. Because the bottom line will still always go back to, you say you want to do it that way. I'll give you three days to prove that works. Because you as a parent are still in charge of the outcome and the accountability, but you give your child a little bit of room to experiment, to say, what would it take and where would I work best?

And that's a very positive thing. How do you, as a parent, how do you get to that point where you can flip that switch and rather than have the fight, you are not going to do your homework during that program. Turn that TV off now. How do you sit back and all of a sudden, okay, let's rationalize this. Go ahead and give it a try. I mean, it sounds so easy the way you say it. Well, you know, I'm big on the question that you have to ask and answer as a parent, as a teacher, anybody. The question is, what's the point?

What's the point? As a parent, I have to say, is the point that I have them sitting quietly at their desk with a light like they're supposed to, or is the point that they do the homework? You know, the boys hold fourth grade. Robert, he, well, Mike, I should say first, he, Michael did his homework at the kitchen table quietly, just like a good child should. And these are your twins.

These are twins, two minutes apart, Pete and repeat. But Robert, he goes out in the living room and every day during the fourth grade, every night for homework, he was on his stomach on top of the coffee table with his feet dangling in the air doing his homework. And both boys did their homework. And I had to say, well, we're just not going to put anything on the coffee table because the bottom line is, oh my goodness, if he does his homework and that works, I'm in favor. And again, what's the point?

Do you want me to sit at the desk or do you want me to do the homework? Well, and you stress that in your book, throughout the book, talking about that question, what's the point? You have to ask it how many times a day?

Maybe 20, 30 times a day. What's the point here? And you're really coaching yourself by asking that question, aren't you? Yes. And then of course what you're saying to your child too is prove it. You know, if the child says I need to be on the floor watching TV with headphones on and having something to eat or drink while I'm doing my homework in order to do it, you say, oh, I'm going to have to prove that one to me. Okay.

Now the tough question, this one, a friend of mine, John, this isn't my household, but when the child doesn't do it, they're pushing you to let me do it my way, but that way isn't working. How do you then engage that to move it along? You know, you stay calm and you don't get mad. You say, well, you know, it was a good try. And I love that you're thinking about what's going to help you. This one obviously doesn't.

Can't do it again. Let's figure out a different suggestion. And if the child says, well, I don't know then, then you ask, you know, would you like a suggestion because I've got a couple. And you keep it, you know, on the lighter part rather than saying there's no way and you're not going to do it and this is how you're going to do it, period, end of discussion.

Let's talk about styles. But before we do, you just said something that I think is really important and that is the confrontational nature that so often we as parents, we choose that option because we, I guess, want to prove who's in charge here. That's pretty fruitless, isn't it? It is often fruitless. And I think it's even, it's more positive sometimes than just proving we're in charge.

We're a little scared for our child. I mean, the world is a scary place and there's so much pressure to perform and all that. You know, you're not doing it and you're getting these grades and don't you understand you're not going to get a scholarship if you don't do this and don't do that.

And we're pressing because we've got a lot more years on us to look back and say, look, you've got to do this in order to succeed, but they're just learning and they've got all this raw talent and it doesn't matter to them a lot of times. Let's talk about the learning styles then. In your book, what are they describing for us? Well, you know, there's five different models that we talk about and one of my favorites that we start with right away that's pretty basic and people usually think they know what it's all about is the modalities or how you remember. And that is everybody has three puzzle pieces because they really are puzzle pieces, not something you can just test. But you know, the auditory learn by hearing and the visual learn by seeing and the kinesthetic learn by doing, that's what most people think.

And even though that's partially true, when we really get into the research, there's more to it. And if you have a child with a high auditory, a big auditory piece of the puzzle, they learn best by hearing but not hearing you. They learn best by hearing themselves.

So your auditory child tends to talk too much, tends to process things verbally. Why? That's right. Why?

That one? Or, you know what, Irene, what else? And they just talk and talk and talk. You know, they're the chatterbox and you never have to wonder what they're thinking. That's the upside.

But the downside is, you know, you often want to say, wow, I think your dad would like to hear a little bit more of your day for a while. That's not fair. Give me a break. That was just a friend of hers. That really wasn't her.

That's right. But for the auditory person, they aren't going to learn and remember things until they ask questions about it. And one of the things we know about auditory kids is if you don't let them talk, they will keep interrupting you until they do.

Because it's not like there's anything else they can get in until they get this thought out. You know, my classic example of the third grade teacher who says, boys and girls, today we're going to talk about animal cruelty. Oh, my aunt, she has this dog. And she says, we don't have time for everybody's story.

Just hang on to your aunt's dog story. But that doesn't work because if I'm a highly auditory kid, my aunt's dog story is bubbling up to the top and I don't have room for anything else to go in until my aunt's dog story comes out. So if I can't tell the teacher, then I have to turn to the kid next to me and get it out there. And then I'm ready to hear more from the teacher.

But by then I'm in trouble again for inappropriate realizing. So as an auditory child, I'm just trying to process things. And sometimes it's a great compliment that I'm talking and asking questions. And you're thinking I'm just interrupting to hear the sound of my own voice. But I'm trying to process it by saying, so in other words, really, and I'm repeating what you said, because then when I hear my own voice say it, I remember it.

And I don't remember it from your voice. Well, and often as parents, we take that as just irritating, you know, that the child's just irritating us. Let's face it, it kind of is. But I mean, the child from the child's perspective, the child's doing what God has created in that child's heart, explore.

That's right. And they're not annoying you on purpose. Most of the time they're not.

They don't even know how, they're just figuring out how they're wired. But if you're not an auditory person, you will like peace and quiet. And sometimes auditory teachers, for example, they say shh more than anybody else because they need to talk. And so they want all the kids to stop talking and hear the auditory kids. They're just bubbling up, needing to react or ask a question.

And it's very frustrating if they can't do it. That's one. Let's go over a couple of others. If you look at the visual kid, I'm very visual and highly kinesthetic. But a visual kid, we don't talk that much.

We watch, we observe. And there are things, for the visual child, even though we learn best by seeing, we're also greatly distracted by it. For example, if you don't show me something about what you're talking about right away, then I make up my own picture. And it's almost never the same picture that you had in mind. So my mind is creative. I look like I'm daydreaming.

I'm thinking, oh wow, those shoes don't actually match your skirt. And I'm automatically distracted from the teacher. Or I need to see something and I need to see it in my mind, even if you get me to imagine it. Like a classic example, if I'm a visual kid and I've got an auditory parent, and my auditory parent says, hey, come here, I need you to go down to the kitchen and take that blue mug by the side of the sink and take it out to the patio table. And I say, okay. And I turn around and, right away, I'm not exactly sure what my parent just said, but I don't want to go back and ask again because the auditory parent says it slower, louder, yells, tell me I'm not paying attention. So I just go and do what I kind of think it was and it almost never turns out.

Now the one thing the auditory parent could do for me as a visual child is to say, listen, I need you to go down to the kitchen. You know that blue porcelain mug, the one that's sitting by the side of the sink? Pause, pause, pause. What am I doing? And then I say, oh, yeah, yeah. Because my visual mind is I'm saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, the blue one there.

I need you to take that mug out to the patio table, that big round white one, and put it there. Now the chances of my doing exactly what you told me are almost 100% because you took just a little bit of time and you let me track with you visually in my mind what are you talking about. It's just like we do when we're giving directions. You know that story, the one that's kitty-corner from the, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it in your head and for a visual kid, it's very important for me to track with you visually. You can tell me 10 times and you can say, I've told you 10 times, how many more times do I have to tell you? I need to see it.

I need to create it in my own mind or you need to show me a picture and then suddenly the visual, I connect and I can remember because I can see it in my head. Well, this is a special focus on the family program. We're in Seattle, the Seattle area.

Don't offend anybody. We're not actually in Seattle. We've got some friends here in a conference room and our guest is Cynthia Tobias, the author of a book that we've talked about before in this broadcast, The Way They Learn. Jim Daly, our host.

I'm John Fuller. Jim, one thing I so appreciate about what Cynthia is saying here is not only am I better understanding my kids as we talk, but I'm understanding myself and my spouse as well. It just helps bring clarity to all of those relational dynamics.

It does. You know, I'm sitting here thinking all the mistakes I'm making as a parent, but you can overcome those things. You've covered two of the styles, Cynthia. Let's get through the others and then we'll come back to more general questions. So we've got auditory and visual. What are the others? The kinesthetic, the third piece of the puzzle in remembering is, you know, kinesthetic, we always just figured that's learned by doing, but everybody learns by doing by moving.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Because kinesthetic is born to move and if you're, and about 40% of the population, the last size, very high is somewhat kinesthetic, which means we can't just sit still for any long period of time and listen without doing something. Give me something to do. I can't just not move and it's very difficult for a highly kinesthetic kid. Just get to the point.

I mean, so in other words, what? I mean, I've got a short attention span, so it's not like I have a neurological disorder. I'm just highly restless and I'm active because every part of me was born to move. And if I'm born to move and you won't let me move, I only think about one thing while you're talking to me.

The fact that I can't move. I can't concentrate. There's hardly an environment for that child where they can do well because everything is rigged against that child.

That's true. You know, you got to sit quietly in class. You got to be quiet.

You can't move. Maybe recess is the one thing they can just go and excel. Which is what they punish you for without recess. If you've moved too much in class, you can't go to recess and then you're sunk. But yeah, and the highly kinesthetic individual, if you think about it, classrooms by and large don't really prepare you for the real world anyway.

I mean, some of your high kinesthetic occupations, you know, artists, mechanics, dancers, I mean, just about anybody who moves all day. I had a guy call in on a radio show back on Focus several years ago and he called and he said, I don't agree that you should let kids move. He said, I have a second grader.

She moves all the time. And he said, I told her, you've got to learn to sit still because someday you'll have a job where you can't move. And I said, are you calling me from work? And he said, yes. And I said, where are you calling me from? And he said, my truck.

Never mind. It's like, are we supposed to train our children the way we think it should be? Or do we say, this child is constantly restless.

They're going to do great things with physical things and that's not a bad deal. You get them moving in some way that doesn't distract other people. Cynthia, as you're describing this type of learning style, I imagine there are many moms thinking you've just described my boy. I mean, it feels to me just by observation that many, many boys fit into this category.

Right. In fact, one of the researchers, Walter Barb, one of the researchers says, if you have a kinesthetic, especially a kinesthetic boy, he'll always, when you ask him to line up, he'll either be at the front of the line or he'll be pushing the back of the line. Because it's a constant push, push, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's just do it.

We aren't going to sit still. And men or women, it's a high level of activity and energy. And those boys get into a lot of trouble in the early years at school because they haven't quite learned to control that need.

They do. And the interesting thing that parents can do is that for a highly kinesthetic child, boy or girl, instead of having us sit down and do homework quietly after school, you know, go out and shoot hoops with me while we're memorizing the multiplication table. Or let me run up and down the stairs while I'm looking at my spelling words. Because even if I'm highly kinesthetic, if I'm just moving, if you talk to me while I'm moving, I remember. If you talk to me while I'm sitting, I'm only thinking about moving.

So you can let me ride in a car with you. And I actually remember better than if I'm just sitting at a desk. Cynthia, what are the two main ways that people process information? You also talk about that in the way they learn.

Talk about that. In fact, this is one of the models that's the most statistically significant as far as the research goes. And Hermann Wittgen, who was a psychological researcher during World War II, and just in a nutshell, his research showed with about an 88% reliability factor for those who know what that is. That's very significant.

He did his research throughout the world, not just the United States. And he figured out there was about 50-50 that if you look at a continuum that's kind of two quartiles on one end, two quartiles on the other, 50-50, regardless of gender, how we're wired from the very beginning when we get that DNA, that 50% of the population is wired very analytically. So when information comes in, the analytic mind, the wiring, automatically focuses on specific details, piece by piece, specific facts.

Break it down, one, two, three. And that's how we work a lot of things, school, a lot of systems, very analytically. But there's the other 50% of the world that was born wired differently, equally intelligent, equally capable, equally gifted, but not wired analytically. Wired what we would call more globally or intuitively. In other words, and that's where I end up, but on that end, when the information comes in, we need context. We need orientation. We're trying to figure out, okay, what does this have to do with anything I care about? I don't automatically look at details. And that's the way that you process. So you're saying something that's important, though, the IQ issue, because an analytical parent might view that global child and the way they're thinking very differently. And the chances of you having one are tremendous.

The chance of you marrying the opposite is tremendous because you need a left hand and a right hand, but you're really frustrated. You know, it's just like I can remember getting in trouble in school for the analytic teacher who said, take out a piece of paper, number one through 10. And I'm looking around going, what are we doing?

You want to know the answer before you act. Yeah, we're taking out a piece of paper, numbering one through 10. And then I say, why? And I get in trouble for being a smart aleck, but I just don't know what it is. Am I taking a test? Are we skipping a line? I need, as a global learner, I just need you to put a context around it.

Put me in, what are we doing? Give me a whole thing. And the analytic parent or teacher can sometimes think, why don't you just do what I tell you? Just pay attention and you'll know what it is.

But the global mind says, I don't know where we're going. I don't know what this is all about. I mean, if you could just give me a little bit of context, I'm not stupid. I just need a little bit more.

You are touching, you're certainly touching our household. I mean, that's one of the struggles we have with our eldest son, who he really does need context. I remember one day he went in and Gene, my wife, had set up a little tea for the ladies and somebody had eaten some chocolates off the table. And so Gene said to Trent, who ate all the chocolates here. And he said, not me. And went to Troy and Troy said, it wasn't me. And then Trent came back around and said, well, I didn't eat all the chocolates. I mean, he wanted some context.

Be specific. But Cynthia, there is so much more to cover. I think you are touching a lot of us as parents emotionally and how we're struggling probably with some of the issues that we face with our children and trying to learn how to communicate with them better. That really is what we're talking about.

How to communicate with your child. Let's come back next time and continue the discussion. And there's a few more questions I've got. John, you've got some too, I'm sure.

I have a number of questions myself. Well, let's do that from the Seattle Bellevue area. Let's come back and talk it over. Great. Well, what a great conversation.

Cynthia has so much insight and she shared so well. And I do hope that you benefited from the conversation and you'll join us next time to hear more about how to understand the way your child learns. We have another really important resource for you and it's a free download. It's called Equipping Parents for Back to School. We want to help you be prepared to handle some of the difficult things that your child might encounter, some of the harmful things that might be taught in their classroom.

That's a free download, again, Equipping Parents for Back to School. And to go deeper in some of Cynthia's content, she has a terrific book. It's really fascinating.

It's called The Way They Learn, How to Discover and Teach to Your Child's Strengths. There's so much information here in this book. Get a copy from us today and make a monthly pledge if you can of any amount to the Ministry of Focus. And we'll send a copy of the book to you as our way of saying thanks for being a part of the support team. Your donation allows us to reach and equip parents around the world. And so thank you, especially if you can give monthly so we can grow the ministry and help more families and do so with confidence because of your gift. And if you're not in the spot to make a monthly pledge, we understand that. We'll certainly welcome and say thank you for a gift of any amount, a one-time gift. Either way, donate today and request your copy of the book, The Way They Learn, How to Discover and Teach to Your Child's Strengths by Cynthia Tobias. You can donate over the phone 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459, or stop by our website, donate and request the book there.

The details are in the program description. And when you're at the site, be sure to look for the link to that free back to school download. Well, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we hear once again from Cynthia Tobias and help you and your family thrive in Christ. Thank you.