And so we say it this way. What's going on within your spouse's heart matters more than what's going on between the two of you.
So say that again. What's going on within your spouse's heart matters more than what's going on between the two of you. If I prioritize what's going on within Christie's heart, what's going on between the two of us will take care of itself. Because we will find a way to resolve it.
Because she will feel seen and now all of a sudden we're put on the same team. That's Dr. Josh Straub describing how you can be on the same team with your spouse. Welcome to another edition of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Today we're featuring a panel discussion with Josh and his wife Christie and our host Jim and his wife Jean on the topic of marriage and how to create a better connection between a husband and wife. You know Jon, over the years here at Focus we've shared I think a lot of good conventional wisdom about marriage like having a regular date night and the importance of love and respect in your relationship. And of course the classic, communication. And you've got to communicate well as a couple to succeed.
All of that is rock solid advice. But I was fascinated by a recent conversation that we recorded with Josh and Christie where they shared some new insights that I'd never considered before. We were at the Broadmoor Hotel here in Colorado Springs which is a great spot to come and hang out if I can encourage you to do that. And we were at our Focus marriage retreat. And as you said Jon, my wife Jean joined us. I laugh because it's always good guys to have your wife at a marriage conference.
Well Jim you haven't said that to me. All those little fractures in your relationship. But it's fun and we enjoy it and it was a great group of people. And I know you're going to find this content helpful in your relationship, your marriage. And I'm eager to share it today. The Straubs are speakers, authors and marriage coaches.
They head up a ministry called Famous at Home where they teach leaders and organizations and churches and families about the importance of emotional intelligence and family wellness. Here's how the conversation began with Josh and Christie Straub and Jean Daly on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. So let's start with your love story.
How you met and fell in love. I think that's a good place to start. Wow. Do you want the truth or his version? I'm waiting for the signal from Josh.
His version. Okay go for it. Alright so the first night we met she asked me out on a date.
See this is where it starts with a lie. Wow it didn't start with a date. So alright so we met, so we were in grad school. We were both counseling students at Liberty University at the time and I was working on my PhD. She's working on her masters and so we're both working within the counseling department. And afterwards I was overseeing practicum and internships and I was there late at night because I had a day job that kept me busy.
And then so I would go in in the evenings and I would do my work up there. And she happened to be up there in the cubicle near where I was and she was the only other person. And as I was leaving, she was leaving at a similar time and so I held the door for her and I introduced myself and I said hello I'm Josh. And she shakes my hand and we proceed to walk down the stairs.
And this is early December and so it's a little bit chilly outside. But we're standing there and we have this most amazing conversation outside after we walked outside the door for about 20 minutes. It was just, it was easy, it was awesome. And she proceeded to ask me, she said I'm going to the Living Christmas Tree program at the church tonight, would you want to go along with me? Okay and let me interject. It was like me and like all of us counseling students, like we were all going together. So I was like would you like to go with us, this large group of people, not just with me.
Wait a second, back to you Josh. So I politely declined because I had an early flight the next morning and so, and I wasn't really, I mean I was finishing my doctoral work and I wasn't super looking. And so I wasn't super looking for a wife at the time. So I, we leave that conversation. Two weeks later I see her at a restaurant during lunch and I'm having lunch with some other people. And as I'm leaving that lunch meeting I hear my name called on my way out and I turn around and it's one of the counseling professors. And she says hey Josh, how are you doing? And I said I'm great. And during this lunch meeting I had been, I saw Christy during the lunch meeting and I kept eyeing her because I thought she was beautiful. But the night that I met her she had her hair down and no glasses on and in the restaurant that day her hair was up and she had glasses on.
And so I didn't, you know, make the connection. Well as soon as the professor says hey Josh, how are you doing? I said I'm great. She said I want to introduce you. And she introduces me to Christy's friend and then she introduces me to Christy. And I go to shake Christy's hand and she looks at me and she says actually we've met. With a pretty sassy attitude. And I was like, I like this girl.
I need to figure out who she is. And so after that I went up to her cubicle and I looked for her name so I could find her on Facebook and that's kind of how it began. That part was true.
Do you agree with all that? He didn't remember me. So those were my first, I just, I did stick my hand out and I said actually we've met.
But I was very impressed with him honestly. How much later did you get married? Was it a year? Two years?
A week? Oh you're better with that than me. Let's see, that would have been in December, it would have been about 11 months. Or no, I'm sorry, we got engaged 11 months later when we actually did our wedding. Well that's a whole other story because she's Canadian, I'm American, we had to go through immigration and they really make it complicated to be able to do that when you're believers.
And so we actually got legally married in December of the following year, a year later, and then we got married before the Lord a year and a half later. Okay, well good. Alright, let's get into it. You talk about being teammates, right?
That's a big part of the marriage factor for you and how you talk about it in your book. But you guys are kind of competitive. Now is any couple in here competitive with each other? Just let me see your hands. Oh, only three of us?
How many of you have a problem with lying? So, speak to that competitive nature, what happened, and I think you did a skit at your wedding that illuminated this. Actually, the cousin who's getting married this weekend, they did this skit because I don't know how your reputation just precedes you, but apparently everyone knew we were quite competitive. And it was this whole skit on anything you can do, I can do better, you know the song? And so they're doing this whole song between my one cousin wearing the Canadian hockey jersey, and then the other cousin wearing the American hockey jersey, and it's this whole thing between anything you can do, I can do better. And they did lip sync, it was phenomenal.
It was so cute, and they were little girls, and now she's getting married this weekend. It was, it's I guess just always been true, like we don't, I think we've gotten better, honestly, but then just a few weeks ago, we were on this bike ride, and I mean we're going, like we're, the kids weren't with us, which was rare, and so it was just the two of us, and we're going, and I'm trying to keep up, like I am trying so hard to keep up. And finally, I was like, I am, Josh, can you please slow down?
And he looks at me, he's like, I was just going fast because you were. Like that was, yep, that pretty much sums us up. Yeah, the competitive nature. I didn't absolutely relate to this, though I did not know I was competitive until after we got married, and this trip that Jim just mentioned that we were touring for nine months. Yeah, Motivational Media, this is actually really cool.
PepsiCo put this together. Jean and I, we were engaged, but we didn't have a date yet, and her brothers kept telling me, yeah, she never goes with anybody longer than six months, so it's good to meet you, we'll see you later. I mean, that's a true statement from one of her brothers, and I just remember thinking, okay, this is good, this is a competitive opportunity. But anyway, we, a friend of mine called and said, hey, do you know any people that want to go out in teams of two, tour the country, you go to high schools, you set up this show.
It's got nine banks of, it's all computer generated, nine banks of slides and a 16 millimeter thing, it's all set to music and different things, and you just got to run it. And I said, wow, that'd be pretty cool. And so I said, well, what if Jean and I got married and went on the road and did this?
Oh, yeah, it's a Christian organization, so you got to get married. I said, yeah, it's only four weeks away. So I put the phone down and I go, Jean, you want to get married and go on this tour and run these really elaborate machines? And what did she say? Can we tell him tomorrow? I'll call you back tomorrow. So we hung up and then we go on this trip. And I think that's where.
No, that's true. And we had only been married probably a month and we're working together and we each had a job putting on this huge multimedia presentation. And my job, we would we probably every other week would switch jobs. And this week I was on the nine slide projectors and the the movie projector. And if a bulb went out on one of the slide projectors, you had to change it really quickly because this massive screen would go blank. And two thousand students are looking at it going, what's that?
So that happened and it did happen. So the one of the bulbs went out and I'm going to grab the bulb to replace it quickly. And I see, you know, in the corner of my eye, this blur.
Jim comes over like a ninja and he grabs the bulb and he takes it out and he puts it in and he runs back over to his side. And I was so disturbed by how I by my speed and swiftness is very disturbing to the average human. No, I was upset that he came over and did my job. And that upset me that I was upset and I didn't know I was competitive.
That was the first of many things I was to find out about myself. Marriage is very good. Well, I think in that context, it's that competitiveness that then can turn us into opposition teams. So speak to the idea that you're not on the opposite team. Well, and I think, too, you know, one of the things that we talk about often is, you know, in order to teach, you know, we'll coach on communication skills and how to really connect on the same team. But in order to do that, you have to be willing to do that first. And our unwillingness oftentimes is exposed when we're blaming the other person or giving up our right to be right when we feel like we've been wronged.
And I feel like that's where for us is to firstborn type A's very competitive. It's like, you know, there's some blame going on, but we will know I'm right. No, I'm right.
No, I'm right. And it's like, no, we're right. You know, when we change our language to we and us, as opposed to I and you, there's a massive difference.
You know, Dr. Carol Rustbelt found, you know, that an us against the world attitude is what leads to great marital satisfaction. And so for us, we're like, let's get on the same team. We are Team Straub. The Lord has brought us together in which every, as Ephesians describes, every family is named under heaven, you know. And it's like we are given this name, we are given this family lineage and we're given it to Stuart as a team. And I think that purpose in getting on that same team and understanding how we do that is just absolutely critical that we're not against each other.
But when we actually channel that competitiveness together, man, we can do so much good for the kingdom. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and those are some great insights from Dr. Josh Straub. And he and his wife Christy joined Jim and Jean Daly at a recent marriage conference, and they encouraged couples to have a teammate mentality. Now, one way you can foster that with your spouse is by taking our free online marriage assessment.
It's a tool that'll help you discover what's working well, and it might reveal an area or two where you can improve. I'm going to urge you to check out our free marriage assessment at MarriageMilestone.com. And now more from our panel on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. So this Catholic priest, it was Mark Burnett and Roma Downey. Y'all know Roma Downey touched by an angel?
And then her husband Mark Burnett touched by great production ideas? But I was with their monsignor and he looked at me and goes, you know what, we believe in the Catholic Church about marriage. I said, no, what?
He goes, well, this is it. You know, this is what Lucifer was so upset with when God chose to put his image into human beings and to create the male and female and that the two shall become one flesh. And a third of the angels went with Lucifer because he felt the angel should receive God's image. Wow. OK. And he said every day a marriage walks this earth, it's a stench in the nostrils of Satan.
Wow. Isn't that a different way to look at that? That every marriage represents a threat to Satan because it's the very essence of God, his image walking this earth, male and female, his image.
Isn't that amazing? But in that context, speak to that idea of one flesh and one heart in the marital bond. Well, it's just I mean, I'm just struck by what you said. I mean, of course.
And why? Why are we surprised when the enemy comes after marriage like he is viciously vicious? Like we're we feel it right now in culture. But when we talk about one marital heart, we realized so often when we get in those seasons of self-protection.
Right. When you get close enough to another person, you realize intimacy really is the willingness to endure the negative feelings we get when we get close to another person. Because they're going to hurt us. They're going to do things that like I'm mad that I'm mad about this. I'm mad that I'm hurt about this.
I'm hurt that I'm hurt about this. And that's what intimacy really is. And what it's our willingness, like Josh mentioned, our willingness to endure those negative feelings. But really, when we're coming together as one flesh, we're realizing I'm willing. And I'm also recognizing that there is a purpose that God has for us that we couldn't have accomplished separately. But that does mean that I have to lay down some of those self-protective mechanisms.
Those things like that, you know, the back of the brain stem where it goes off our fight or flight response. And all the crazy ways that we try to protect ourself. But so often we do it and this is just causing this wall or a wedge or we're throwing darts at our spouse. And so we realized early on that, especially because we get to meet with couples, that's what we do. And you realize that it becomes a protection of my heart versus the marital heart. And if I realize that my job is to protect our marital heart, which means really it matters more what's going on within Josh's heart than it is even what's going on between the two of us. Because if I can attend to what's going on within him, what's going on between us just sort of sorts itself out. Because I'm realizing the priority is this one marital heart. The purpose, the vision that God has for this heart is bigger than just mine. Yet it's so hard to get out of that self mindset, that self-protect mindset. Yeah, Proverbs 4 23 says to guard your heart it's the wellspring of life.
And I like to see, you know, when you have that one flesh and you experience that one flesh with your spouse. You know, Pastor Tim Keller described it this way is that, you know, everything else in your life, everything in your life could be going really, really well. But if your marriage is not going well, you step out into the world in weakness and you feel that. But the opposite is also true.
Your life could be a wreck. But if your marriage is strong, you step out into the world in strength. And I think, you know, that whole idea that we have one marital heart to guard, that whenever I see Christie not doing well or even if she's spitting arrows at me, my ability to not take it personally but to enter into her heart and say, what's going on within your heart and how can I serve you, how can I come alongside you? And that takes a lot of humility. It takes a lot of repentance. I don't always get it right.
But the more that I can be mindful of doing that, the more we stay on as a team as opposed to being enemies. No, that's good. I haven't talked to you about this one yet. I have to confess something. This is great. Steven, can we get some music behind this confession? Confession music?
No, I mean, sometimes I'll come home and I'll have a great idea. You know, I'll say, Jean, we need to hug for 10 seconds. Let's get a hug. Hug. Okay, look me in the eyes for 10 seconds.
And give me a passionate kiss. And she'll go, who'd you record with today? So today I had one of those epiphanies. It's a great idea of mine.
And it was this. You should be the president of your spouse's fan club. And I was pretty brutal on myself today in the studio because when I heard that, that hit me hard. Be the president of your spouse's fan club.
And I told Josh and Christy, I said, I don't know that I have the resume for the job. You know what I mean? And to me, when I hear a gold nugget, I catch it. I try to.
That was one of them. Think of that. That as the spouse, try to be the fan club president of your mate. Isn't that awesome? I'm going to take that one all the way to the grave because that's what I'm going to try to do. I can't believe I'm telling everybody here. It's good accountability.
Try to be the president of your fan club. So but I thought that was great. Just expand on that a little bit. I know we talked about it this morning, but that idea, that concept, pretty self-evident. Well, and I mean, I think aren't we all looking for someone to look you in the eye and say, you're doing such a good job.
I see you. And I know that gets me. I know in those early years for me, our hardest, what we call our biggest opponent came into our marriage weighing eight pounds and one ounce. And because the opponents don't always, they're not always bad things. Sometimes they're good things. Sometimes they're jobs or change or even progressing up the whatever ladder it is you're climbing. But it drives something between you.
And that's the opponent. But for me, it was I was needing someone to tell me that I was doing a good job and realizing that chase for significance. Like I think we all in the human heart, we just need.
It's like it's what we're searching for from God to look at us and say, daughter, son, I see you. I'm so proud of you. Keep going.
But I needed to hear it because goodness knows culture isn't going to tell us that. I mean, you know, I stayed home with our kids and I was honored to do that, but it's really hard. And he's out speaking and doing all the things that get like all the attaboys and like he would come home telling me about all the great meetings he had and all these exciting projects. And I just felt lost.
I felt like I I didn't get dressed today, but I got some laundry done. And I and no one no one sees that you held your temper and you didn't lose it on your toddler because they were losing it. And so it gets me still because I realize how much we all need to be told you're doing a good job.
And that's what basically this came from was. If I go out in the world and I start looking for those accolades on Instagram or I start you know, I start a business and I start, you know, getting from the boardroom or from people that work with me or for me. If they start being the ones to tell me, then I'm going to start chasing that for as long as that road will take me. But if the fans under my own roof who love me and so sometimes don't say it in words that look to me and say, well done, mom.
Well done. And so we realized if we're not doing that for one another, we're setting ourselves up for a search for significance outside the home. And so we committed then we will be I will be your fan club president.
I will make sure that I'm the one telling you when you get off the road, if you're speaking or you just had a hard day of meetings that I see you and you're doing such a good job. And that's changed a whole lot for us. Man, I can feel that is still deep in you.
Yeah. And the way you said it this morning, just the need to be seen. You know, when Josh came home, it felt like he just didn't even see you. That was convicting to me as a husband. I think so many wives, so many moms. And I don't want to overgeneralize. But you sit when I get to sit with a lot of women, when you hear the story again and again. And it's it's not a very difficult problem to solve, but it it's very tender. But the solution is love and to see one. And I think that's I mean, it's not the same as parenting, too.
No kidding. Josh, let me catch on something. I think you mentioned this on your podcast, this idea of communication being overrated in marriage.
Any husband want to say amen? I mean, it sounds like an oxymoron because we're like shoving that down everybody's throat. Communicate, talk, grab her by the face and make sure she sees your eyes, even if the Broncos are about to score a touchdown, which is really rare. That's why it's so important to watch because there's only been three. And but yeah. What do you mean overrated communication? That sounds not like what we should be saying. Well, there was a research study done recently that talked about what were the most the topics that couples argued about the most. And the number one topic that couples argue about the most is attitude and tone of voice. And so I know, right.
Well, we have a winner. Step right up. They're in it. They're in it. Attitude.
Elbows are flying. But it's fascinating because we'll meet with couples and, you know, we'll talk to them and we'll say, OK, you know, did you have a squabble this week? You know, any any quarrels or anything like that? And they'll come to us and be like, yeah, you know, we did. We had this moment on Wednesday. And OK, so what was it about? And I look at each other and be like, I don't know. I don't remember.
Do you remember? We just knew we got into an argument. Right.
And so the thing is, is it's not the thing that we're arguing about. And it goes back to when we talk about that one marital heart and that one flesh. Now, is that always easy to do?
No, it's not always easy to do. But if we start to begin to just press in just a little bit, where's this coming from? What's your perspective in it? Because there's there's always going to be two stories. There's the story that I'm telling myself and bringing to it.
And there's the story she's telling herself and she's bringing to it. And so the way that we talk about this is from a communication standpoint, is communicate about how you're communicating. If we communicate about it's made a communication, if we start paying attention to how we're communicating with one another, how we communicate about any opponent, any topic is going to start taking care of itself.
Because now all of a sudden we're on the same team talking about that, as opposed to dividing one another up by the way that we're by our tone of voice and attitude. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. And today we've been hearing a conversation that Jim and Gene Daly had with Dr. Josh and Christy Straub during a recent marriage retreat here in Colorado Springs. And so far we've heard part one of the conversation.
We'll encourage you to make plans now to join us for part two next time. This is such great content, John. And of course Josh and Christy, they are excellent communicators about marriage and parenting. A lot of what they've shared with us today comes from their Famous at Home podcast.
And they also have a book with the same title. We'll send you Josh and Christy's book, When You Send a Gift of Any Amount to Focus on the Family. That's our way of saying thank you for partnering with us in ministry and helping to strengthen marriages around the country and around the world. You can do ministry through your giving here at Focus. And thanks to the generosity of friends like you, we're able to help more than a half a million couples build stronger marriages over the past 12 months.
I love that statistic. And that's what happens when we work together. And I want to invite you to become part of it. Be a member of the support team.
Yeah. Consider a monthly pledge or a one-time gift as you're able. And just know that whatever you can give will be a big help to families worldwide. The place to start is our phone number 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459.
Or donate and get your copy of the book, Famous at Home. When you stop by the show notes, we've got the links right there for you. And I'll remind you about our free online marriage assessment, which is a great way to get on the same team, if you will, with your spouse.
Take 10, maybe 15 minutes and fill that assessment out. See what's working well in your relationship and maybe discover an area of growth as well. Details about that free marriage assessment are on our website or in the show notes. And coming up next time, we'll hear more from the Straubs about making better connections in your marriage as they address the conflict dance and why leading with grace is vital in your relationship. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. And that's why we started our podcast, Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage. We talk about things like recognizing conflict cycles, dealing with stress and how to grow your love each day. Listen at crazylittlethingcalledmarriage.com or wherever you get your podcasts. We can't wait to see you there.
