Leading Your Family as a Single Mom (Part 2 of 2)

And at one point, too, I went to my mentor and I'm crying and I'm snotting and, you know, just all and she's like, you're concerned you're not enough. And I'm like, how can I be enough for my children? How can I love them enough? And she said, you can't. She said, a two parent home can't fill your child's heart with all the love they need.

The only one that can is the Lord. That's Peggy Sue Wells and she joins us today on Focus on the Family. Thank you for being along.

I'm John Fuller and your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. John, let me say it this way. Single parent moms are loved. They do the work of two parents and do all they can to keep the family moving forward with the handicap of not having a husband, at least not involved. Maybe he's left the home. Maybe he's passed away. That's a different situation.

But man, do single parent moms do the job. And I hope you're listening today. We're going to be talking about your situation and what you can do to make the best of it and really to draw closer to the Lord in the process, which is so, so critical. If you missed any part of the discussion last time, I want to encourage you to go to the website. You can get the smartphone app.

It gives you access to all the broadcasts, but it was really helpful. And I think if you can go back and listen to that, it'll add to today's experience. Yeah, there was a lot of heart in that conversation.

And the website has all the details. I mentioned Peggy Sue Wells. She and her friend and co-author Pam Farrell are back again today. Pam was raised by a single mom and Peggy Sue is a single mom to seven children. And they've written a book together that is a really great encouragement. It's called The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make, a biblical guide for navigating family life on your own.

And we have copies of that book here and other resources as well. Stop by the show notes for all the details. Welcome back to both of you. It's good to have you. Thank you. It's an honor to be here.

You know, for those listeners that didn't hear it last time, what's so important for them is to go back and hear your stories. And we don't want to spend the time today to tell too much of that. But for the folks who are joining right now, just each of you, and let's start with you, Pam, just give us the thumbnail sketch of what motivated you to be part of this project, to write this book on single motherhood.

Right. Well, there's a two-part answer to that. One is I'm the daughter of a single mom who I saw go from broken to beautiful. She's an amazing servant of God today, helping other single moms, in fact. And the others I'm married to a pastor and I was director of women's ministry. So we had a lot of awesome single moms and single families, you know, helping walk alongside them.

So I have a two-part heart. Yeah, that's great. Peggy Sue, your quick story to refresh.

Yeah, quick story. Seven kids, the youngest was a year old and we had just had an escalating situation that was not comfortable and not safe in the home. And so we said, you got to make a choice. And so I started my single mom journey when the youngest was one years old.

You know, let me, I didn't plan on starting at this place, but I think the Lord's just prompting something here. You know, so often in the church environment, it's a little uncomfortable. We don't know how to manage outside of what normal or how we've defined normal, which is kind of the two-parent family with 3.7 kids.

I don't know where 0.7 is, but there's just an uncomfortableness, I think, with the single parent situation. We're not quite sure what to do. And maybe even if I could say this in some circumstances, especially if that spouse that isn't there did not pass on, that it was a divorce, we're really uncomfortable with that. We are uncomfortable. As a child, my parents split up and I can remember going to church and people not talking to me as a child or my mother. And again, they don't know what to do with us. When my divorce happened, it was the same thing at our church. They didn't know. And I was seeing a counselor at our church and I said, this is just awkward. Nobody wants to look at me.

They don't want to talk to me. You know, they're kind of like distancing themselves from my children. And he said, we as a church do not know what to do or how to best handle being a single parent. And if you think about that, what a great opportunity for the church to embrace this. You think of Jesus at the well. He went at noon to the well, knowing the Samaritan woman would be there because he knows everything. Right. So he knew she was going to be there and he started asking her questions. Right.

And that's, it's a wonderful mission field. Yeah. Marital status, the whole bit. So, I mean, I think Jesus was modeling that we engage as a community of believers, single parents, single women, and not to be awkward with it. Or afraid. Fear holds a lot of people back like, oh, I'm afraid that they might drain my church as a pastor. That's understandable.

Yeah. 85% of single parent homes do not attend church. And those of us that have been in church, it gets a lot easier to sleep in on the one day you can sleep in on Sunday rather than go if it's going to be so awkward there. And just know that when the single mom walks into the church, she's already feeling judged. She's already feeling less than. She's already feeling really wounded and broken from the experience. So even when you come up and say hello to her, if she's kind of like holding back a little bit, it's not you. She's already carrying all this.

And so are her children. So if you can just treat her like a normal person, welcome. We're glad to have you. Come sit. I have a place for you. Come be part of our Sunday school class.

We're not going to relegate you to the singles. You are part of the group. And our children need to see those healthy families and those healthy relationships because I want them to see that. And then they have other places that they can go to ask questions. They have places that they can go when they need to talk. But then they have great mentors.

And then they get strong enough that when they choose their relationship later, they will do a good job. A mentor of mine years ago said to me, if you think about it, because of the biblical customs and the times that the Bible was written in, especially the New Testament for this example I'm about to give, when you think of widow and orphan, you know, we think of people who have no parents or a spouse who's died. But this person had said to me, you know, in the customs there, if the husband was out of the picture, they were in essence an abandoned woman.

She was a widow. And the church needs to take them in and take care of them as a command of the Lord, even if the man is still alive and just has now left his responsibilities. That's an interesting way for the church to think about that.

But here's the benefit in the long run. Think of the children, particularly, when they have that good experience that people in the church pursued them, men came alongside them, helped mentor the boys, for example. And it was all healthy. And that is a good story.

It is a great story. I mean, look at the table we're sitting at right here. We are the result of some healthy Christians doing exactly that. And Bill and I found in our church, a lot of times pastors are thinking, oh, single mom is going to drain and we'll have to help her financially, yada, yada, yada.

It's a burden. Right. But most single moms have jobs. You're right.

Yeah. And so they tied even. And what we found is they tied their time too, because if they're splitting their household, like a weekend here with the kids, a dad weekend, they have this extra weekend every other week. And some of our best wonderful servants in our church were some of our single moms. They're very dedicated.

That makes that even more impressive, given everything that they're doing. Okay, last time we left off with a brief illustration of the five roots of conflict that break out in a family. You listed them. We talked about one of them briefly. Let's list them again.

And let's just go a little slower so people can grab a definition for each one. Yeah, there was some times I was noticing that as our family would come and we would gather together for the holidays, we would sort of like, you know, emotionally abuse one another and have pie. And I was like, God, I don't want to do this.

I don't want to go into situations that are unhealthy. So, you know, you have that scripture about to as far as possible live at peace with and I'm like, God, I'm doing my part. It's clearly everybody else. So I need you to jump in and take care of this. Straighten them out. Yes. And he said, you know, there's one common denominator in all of your relationships. And I'm like, what me? And he's like, yeah. So I'm like, okay, teach me.

So this is what he started showing me. And I have a great example that one morning, my daughter, Hannah, she's in high school, she gets up, she's on a Saturday grousing around the house. So I do the mom thing and I make her pancake and tea and I tell jokes. And she doesn't laugh. And the pancake is just pushed around on her plate. And I'm sitting there next to her thinking, I'm feeling rejected.

I've done these things to make her feel better. And she's not receiving them. So now I feel rejected.

So that's the first hour. This is the five hour parade, we start with rejection. So as I'm sitting there, I'm like, I don't like feeling rejected. So now I'm resentful about feeling rejected. So now I'm resentful towards her that way.

So I sit there a little bit longer. And then it's like, well, fine, you're not going to talk to me, I'm not going to talk to you, you're not going to look at me, I won't look at you. Because like that like reeks of maturity. But if you've ever given or received the silent treatment, that's resistance. So it goes from rejection to resentment to resistance. And then because my heart is hurting, I want her to know my heart is hurting. And this makes no sense when you think about it. But people generally will then do something to hurt the other person, because then you'll know how I feel kind of equal treatment.

Exactly. So I was just about to do that. And as I'm opening my mouth to say, so how are you doing with that homework, you're keeping those grades above sea level, as I started to say that I'm like, oh, I'm moving into revenge.

That's the next hour. So I'm like, okay, I need to not go there. So instead, what I said to her, actually, let me say that, before I said that, if I hadn't, if I would have said that to her, what would she have done? If I would have said, what about that homework?

Have you cleaned your bathroom lately? She's going to backpedal, right? And then I'm going to feel more rejected. And so then we go into repeat. And we make the cycle and we go over and over and over again.

And so instead, as I got to that revenge place, I was like, Oh, I'm in the five Rs. So I said, Hannah, the story I'm making up in my head right now is it Saturday, you'd rather be anywhere else on the planet than home with your mom, because I stink as a parent. And she got out, because I made up that story in my head the minute I went into resentment. And so she kind of shakes herself and looks up at me. And she said, I just found out the boy a babysit has leukemia. She has nothing to do with me, right. But I made up a story in my head, starting with the rejection and went through this five Rs.

And then I realized, we do this in a lot of places. And those are those five Rs are the red lights for our relationships. So it's going to be rejection and then resentment and resistance and revenge.

And repeat, and just keeps going. We touched on this last time, but we didn't dig into it. You mentioned kind of the chaos that is created when that split happens, and what's going on. And really, the mature parent is trying to find the mature Christian parent is trying to find God's Shalom, his peace.

And how do you go about doing that? And it it's kind of like a jungle, I can imagine that it becomes very difficult to know that peace. One thing you do say in the book that's important is that you remember God's promises, as meteorites are hitting you left and right, if I could put it that way. I mean, you're in this like, terrible hailstorm of the separation or breakup of a marriage. And then, oh, remember God's promises?

Aren't they kind of hard to remember and find in that moment? We because so much that we had depended on had not held us up, it had become not stable. We looked for something that was stable. And the one thing that's stable is the Word of God. So the thing that we did every night, every night, doesn't matter how late we were out or whatever, every night we did, we read from Scripture. And we prayed out loud from when going from the youngest to the oldest. And then we memorize Scripture.

So our Bible time, if we could do the whole thing, it was, you know, reading from the Old Testament, the Psalms, the New Testament, through Proverbs, memorizing a Scripture, giving a blessing to the children, and praying over them before they went to bed. And so I wanted to give them something that they could actually say, I can count on this. And at one point, too, I went to my mentor, and I'm crying, and I'm snotting and, you know, just all and she's like, you're concerned you're not enough. And I'm like, how can I be enough for my children? How can I love them enough? And she said, you can't.

She said, a two parent home can't fill your child's heart with all the love they need. The only one that can is the Lord. And so that was so important to me that as early as possible to introduce them to the source of that stability and that love to introduce them to Jesus. And then as much as we could memorize Scripture and have that hidden in our heart, so that, like you said, when that meteor came, it was like, okay, I will, you know, I will remember this. And we have that trauma brain because something awful has happened in our family.

There's been a split. But then every time there's like a holiday, and you have to do two holidays now, not one holiday, you have to go through different court situations, you have to go through different, you know, who's going to pay for the braces? And is somebody going to cover the car and shit?

Car insurance? And, you know, just the hurt that comes over and over and over again. And so there's a temptation for it to throw you back into trauma brain again and again and again. And so we had to really work very hard to be able to be thinking and to be leaning on something that we could count on and not go into trauma every single time the phone rang, or every single time there was a visitation. Like the word I've hidden my heart that I might not sin against thee when we hide God's word in our heart. It strengthens us, whether we're in a single parent home, a two parent home, like any kind of trauma, drama that's going on in society, like God's word will strengthen you. Like a lot of times the single moms, well, all busy moms will say this, but how do I spend time with God?

Like you have no idea. They always want something from me. And I encourage them, let's just be practical. Let's layer God's word throughout your day. Like get up, turn on, focus on the family, let it play in the background. We always played scripture. So our kids got dressed to the Bible, you know, and it's just playing in the background of their life on the way there to school, then put on some praise music or adventures in Odyssey. You've got this all down. I know when you get home, hey, have those scripture memory post-it notes all around your mirror when you put on your makeup and you just layer God's word into your life, you know, in little two minute bits.

And by the end of the day, it's fortified you. Peggy C, what wise advice did your mentor give you about the impossibility of loving your children as much as they need? And what strikes me with that is a woman's quick ability to have conviction that she's not meeting somebody's need, that combination. So what did that mentor say to you? She said, there's no way that I can love my children enough to be enough. None of us can.

Humans cannot. And so she said the quickest thing that we could do is just make sure that they're anchored in their faith. They know where to go to find what they need. And getting them to church was helpful, too. We had talked about that of surrounding them with other people that are strong in their faith.

And 50% of our children are expected to live in a single parent home before age 18. So the mission field that's out there in your neighborhood, one in four homes, but 50% of all the kids, it's like you don't have to, you know, go far. They're right there and they're hungry and they want to know, you know, come in and let me tell you about Jesus. Let me show you that there is a seat here for you and there's a, the door is open and there's a place. And let me tell you about Jesus. And, you know, that can be in all of our homes. We can say, you know, there's space at the table for that child of a single parent mom who has to work.

Hey, come to my house after school. I have lots of sons that don't have the last name, Farrell, because the football team came to my house because there's a lot of single moms who had to work. But I had the privilege and honor of driving their boys around. I'm thinking it might have been lots of food.

It was a lot of food. I will give you that. But two of my boys ended up being coaches. And part of the reason why is they know the statistic that more than 50% of kids don't have a father in their home. Let me, this next question fits right in here. And that is so often when you're talking or even counseling with, especially a teenager, a 20-something about being fatherless, how do you disassociate our Heavenly Father in the right way so that they're not equating their experience with an earthly father, with an unloving rule and forcing God who just carries a stick to beat me with if I'm not behaving properly? So how do we rewrite that in their hearts to say your earthly father is not your Heavenly Father?

Right. I'll share real quick on mine. God said, I want you to go to the Word and I want you to make a notebook. And every time you learn something about God, the Father around you to write it down. And wow, by the time I got through that year and the end of, you know, from Genesis to Revelation, I found out there is a Heavenly Father and Abba Father who loves me, who's faithful, who's dependable. And, you know, that gave me the ability then to rebuild my relationship with my earthly father because my vertical relationship with God was healthy, expanded to my horizontal relationship.

And what's important there is you had to have some structure to do it. And I don't know that we as adults intentionally know that for our kids, that this has been dismantled. A healthy loving father on this earth is gone for them. So how do we recognize that as the adults in their lives and then help them rebuild the scaffolding to get them into a better place, into a relationship with a Heavenly Father who loves them unconditionally?

Exactly. You talked about, you know, she had memory verses. The memory verses can be about God the Father or for this single mom, she doesn't feel loved. And so I had to start in the Psalms and you do just like take, this is your love notebook from God and write down every verse that makes you feel loved by God. Mention, you used the acronym GPS in the book.

I think this was good. It's far better than the current definition of GPS. So what is your GPS?

So we taught our boys, those who honor God, God honors verse 1 Samuel. And so before you say or do anything, simply check in with your inner GPS. Does this decision show honor to God, G, people, P, self, S. Check in with that inner GPS.

And if you get a green line on all those, it's a good healthy decision. And it works for single moms too. As grown-ups, we can use that same, you know, acrostic.

Absolutely. Peggy Sue, I'd like you to react to this story. And I've shared it before only once or twice, but the letter made a huge impact on me here at Focus. And it was, you know, a while back, but this woman who was probably 32 or 33 wrote me this note. And this is right in your wheelhouse.

And that's why I'm sharing it with you so you can give me and all of us listening some perspective. So at seven years old, her dad took her to breakfast and said, listen, mommy and I aren't getting along. It's not your fault.

I thought, well, that's good. Those are all the right things to say, but, uh, we're going to not live together anymore. We're not going to be married, but I'll see you every other weekend. And I'll see you for two whole weeks in the summer.

You'll come and be with me. And she was writing this letter now at 32, about a time when she was seven. And she said, that was the last time I saw my father. Father.

Right. And she said, and here's the connection going back to the rebuilding of the heavenly father's position because the earthly father did such damage, but she said, I got into so many bad relationships looking for a father's love in the men that I would meet. And that is such a common story.

That hole in a woman's a girl's heart, particularly saying it my lovable it's crushing. A single parent home is still a family. And in that single parent home, we still learn people skills that are going to take us into our life. It is still something that God can use. He's at work, even in this, and it puts us in a structure.

And I know for me, having even grown up that way, I felt that way. And so people would say, well, do you think God's big enough to handle this? I'm like, I'm sure he's big enough to handle it.

I just don't know if he will. I think he's going to withhold from me because that was my experience in the past with what the men and the authority people in my life, the men would be, they would just withhold that affection, withhold that relationship. And so I think it's really helpful then to be able to walk alongside someone because that was where working with a mentor, where I could go and say, yes, I think he's going to withhold. And then we'd be like, great, let's go through scripture and let's see what does it really say about God? And so I found, I had to come to all those places where I found a check or a place where I couldn't trust the Lord, or the place where I'm like hurt or I'm heartbroken, or you let me down, or you let my kids down. As I would find those, I learned to dig down and to go through scripture.

What does scripture say? And then I literally was able to replace the lies with the truth. And that is so hard to do. And what happens as parents, we don't know the stories that our kids have told themselves about what happened in that moment.

And so staying really connected with the kids and being able to like, just, how do you feel about this? And I would see things come down. I would see a face change and I would say, what did you just hear? As I was talking to one of the kids, well, you said I'm stupid and I can't do it. No, I didn't. But what I learned to say was, I understand that's what you heard.

Let me try again. And then I would talk some more until we would finally have an understanding. We have to keep finding out that when it, when what I feel and what's going on in my head doesn't align with what scripture says, I'm the one that's needing to come back and see what's the lie I'm believing, dig it out and replace it with truth. But it's so good. We're right at the end. But I think people are getting the idea of how content rich this resource is. You've both done a great job with this book. And I hope people gobble it up. Two parent families should be reading this material, frankly. But right at the end here, you know, we've got probably two, three million people engaging us right now. So there's going to be a number of single parent moms that are probably looking for help and hope. Speak to her one-on-one, each of you just take 30 seconds, a minute.

What would you say to her if she were sitting right in front of you? You know, Psalm 68 5 says that God will be a father to the fatherless. So God sees your children and God loves your children, just like you love your children and probably more. And he loves you because you're one of his children and he will rebuild you. He will renew you. He will strengthen you and fortify you.

And your today is not your forever. And God has a plan, a future and a hope. And one of the most healthy things I saw my mom do is turn around and help other single moms. So she comes to church and her purse is packed with candies and crayons and goodies for all the kids of single moms.

And she has gift cards to take that single mom out to lunch. You know, turn around and help somebody else. And you know what?

Your life will be enriched because God will bless you for it. Yeah. And that's the Christian story, right? Turn around and help somebody else.

How about you Peggy Sue? To know that again, it's an experience. It is not your identity.

Single is a relationship status, but mom is always. And God is at work even in this. And I wish I had been able to more quickly start moving and looking forward rather than always looking in the rearview mirror because I can't fix what's back there. And holding on to that is, it's like having an anchor. But to be able to say, okay, what do you have for me now, God? You have me here in this moment. Where are we going? Move me forward.

Help me not to carry the the junk to let that go. And then just to be able to walk forward. And God called us to love people and to love him. So in this moment, what does love require?

Let me walk in that love and let me walk forward. Boy, and that is really freeing. I could feel that because so many women looking in that rearview mirror wear that as guilt that they couldn't fix it. And they've got to cut loose of that and rest in the Lord and the future. All things are new. Life is too short to live looking in the rearview mirror.

Boy, it's so true. This has been fantastic. And I hope you are helped by the discussion, but you can be helped even more by this great resource. The 10 best decisions a single mom can make.

A biblical guide for navigating family life on your own. I think you get the idea. We are bullish on this. Get in touch with us. If you can support the ministry, either monthly or one-time gift, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you. If you can't afford it, we're a ministry. We'll get it into your hands and trust others. We'll take care of the cost of that.

Just get it. And don't feel embarrassed about calling us. We have Christian counselors. We have so many resources to help you. We've been doing it for 45 years. You're not going to shock us.

I think we've heard it all. And we will put an arm around you and do all we can to help you. Yeah, we're here to help. And our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459.

Or stop by the show notes and you'll find a link to donate and to get a copy of this book, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Mom Can Make. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you can join us on Monday to learn how you can help your kids remain mentally and emotionally healthy. Parents, just know emotions are gold for you. There are opportunities to get to know your child even deeper. Help your kids understand that the deeper you go, the more they'll be known. And we thirst for that. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. thingcalledmarriage.com or wherever you get your podcasts.