Best of 2023: How Godly Moms Can Raise Godly Sons (Part 1 of 2)

Alyssa suffered through 11 years of her husband's addiction and she feared the worst. After we had called Focus on the Family, that was really the journey where we started to see God moving and working. I know that Focus on the Family was just an answered prayer.

I'm Jim Daly. This season, help us give families hope. And when you give today, your donation will be doubled.

Donate at focusonthefamily.com slash gift. When I found out that I was having a boy, I was really excited, but also nervous. Having three sons, there is never a dull moment. Out of the blue, they'll just grab you and hug you and say, I love you, mom. Always activity and roughhousing.

It's exciting for a while because you're the most important woman in his life, but you also know that sometime in the near future, you're no longer going to be that woman. Well, if you have one or more boys growing up in your home, you can probably relate to those comments. We're going to be exploring the world of moms and sons on this best of 2023 edition of Focus on the Family. And we're looking forward to sharing some great content with you once more. I'm John Fuller and your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. John, earlier this year, we had a lot of fun in studio with Rhonda and Brandon Stoppie. Rhonda is a ball of energy and she's passionate to help marriages and families be all that God wants them to be. And I may be biased being the father of two sons, but this is one of my favorite topics to discuss because my wife Jean and I experienced this one. Our boys, Trent and Troy, yeah, they were a handful. They were all those things that the introduction talked about. And I think if Jean were here, she would admit that sometimes she struggled to be the only woman in the household.

And what do I do next with all this energy? But it's all good. And our boys are grown up now and doing great. And we want to encourage you as we return to the wonderful conversation that we had with Rhonda and her grown son, Brandon. And Rhonda is an author, a speaker, a podcaster, and a pastor's wife. And she and her husband, Steve, have four adult children. And their son, Brandon, is a worship pastor, very accomplished singer and songwriter, and he and his wife have four young children. Now, the basis for the program today is a book that Rhonda wrote called Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, guiding them toward their purpose and passion. And we'll have details about the book and our guests at the website.

Check the show notes for the details. And here's how we began this best of conversation with the Stoppies on today's Focus on the Family. Rhonda, Brandon, welcome. Hey, thank you. So good to be with you. It's good. Yeah, it's good to see you.

And man, this is a fun show because I do think moms think quite differently from their boys. Did you have some of those experiences? Yes. Give us one. Who are you?

Yes. You know, when they're little, man, you just have visions of it's me and you buddy and mama's boy. And oh, you're just mama's little guy. My my daughters who are amazing.

I have two daughters also. That's the next book that Yeah. You know, they're there. You think they think like you, they're women, they're going to turn into women. So you know that. But this little face, little boy is going to turn into a man. It's bewildering.

That's interesting. You know, there is that thing that that girls become women, it's pretty natural. They know generally what's going to happen. Boys are a little more of a wildcard. What kind of men will they be? So you felt a little intimidated. You said in the book, after having your daughter, Brandon was your second born, but he was your first son.

So how did that intimidate you? Well, I think just the idea, he's going to be a man, he's going to be someone who raises his family, who's a husband, who is a father, a provider. How do I teach him that? And my husband, Steve is amazing. And he's got a great dad. But you know, you're 24 seven with your kids. How do I how do I guide him toward that?

And what does that even look like? And I remember not being the mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom, I quit corporate America to be a stay at home mom, when Meredith was born. And then when Brandon was born, which by the way, I had to beg Steve for almost four years to have another baby because Meredith had colic. And he's like, let's just not do that. And when Brandon was born, I remember a day, I was like, get your shoes, come on, let's go. And he was little and I was going to do something at the church, you know, for for ministry or whatever. And Meredith, who was a very articulate firstborn girl, anyone who has a firstborn girl knows that they tell you what they're thinking. But she said, Mom, I know you can't wait till we're grown.

So you can do whatever you want. Well, I'm, I cry even when I say it now, the impression I was giving my kids was you're not important. What's important is what I'm doing out there for God, for the world for the things I need to accomplish.

Get your shoes, find your backpack, get in the car, because we've got to go do something that matters. And I knew that's not the impression I wanted to get my kids, but I really didn't know how to change it. And so you ended up getting involved with older women who had perhaps more experience and could help guide you was that through a Bible study?

Or what what did you do? Well, Steve and I were working with youth ministry in the church. And you know, you watch how moms interact with their sons and their daughters.

And you see the the couples that are still holding hands and the kids that laugh at their mom's jokes and maybe roll their eyes, but they still you know, want to be with their parents and their house becomes the hub for their friends. And I'm like, I got to know what they know. And so I just became friends with those women and asked them to help. So the first thing they did was invite me to a Bible study a precept five hours of homework a week Bible study.

I'm like, ladies, I have no time. Obviously, you don't remember how much work it is. But my friend Gail, she said, just do this one study, I'll help you with the kids, whatever, just do this one and see if it doesn't change your life. And it was the book of Philippians, which, to this day, I love the book of Philippians, I have most of that book memorized, because it was just so transforming for my life.

In what way? I began to see my life through a biblical worldview. And I, you know, I grew up going to Christian schools, I knew scripture, I could fill in all those Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, you know, Bible studies without cracking the book. But this was taking the time to wash my mind with the water of the word.

And the word is quick and powerful and sharper than a two edged sword. And it would reveal the thoughts and intents of my heart, and make me discern my motives for why I want my kids to be good kids, why I want to guide them toward the Lord, or do I just want them to be good kids that grow up and, you know, don't inconvenience me or make me look bad. It was eye opening. And then I would say, hashtag old ladies know stuff, because these ladies were genuine. You know, they didn't just tell me the stuff they did, right, they told me the stuff they did wrong. And I always say, I can write a letter to my younger self, and it does no one any good. But if I write it to the next generation, now it has the power to help someone else and handing the baton to the next generation. That's really why I wrote Moms Raising Sons to Be Men.

Yeah, and this is the part of the program where we get to test that theory. So Brandon, I'm gonna get you in here. And just wanted to ask you directly, so what kind of mom was your mom? And remember, she's sitting next to you. Yeah, yeah, I'm not in between a rock and a hard place at all. Yeah, not at all.

Answer correctly. Yeah, yeah. You know, my mom, man, I just, I'm so thankful for her. And I'm so thankful for the example that she was for us growing up, and even for me.

I know that even the way that I chose my spouse was highly influenced by the way that my mom raised me. And I'm thankful for her. And honestly, I think everything that she did, she always pointed me to Christ. And she always pointed me to not just being a good person, or not just being a well-behaved young man, but it was always backed with, hey, we do this because we honor Christ. And when we pursue things in life, we pursue things in life because we want to honor Christ.

And we want to display His glory to the world through our lives and through our choices. That's pretty good. I'm thankful. Yeah. I wrote that out last night.

Yeah. I mean, nobody, nobody knows you, you know, like your, your spouse or your kids, they see it every, they see everything, right? They know what's happening at home and all that kind of thing. So that's a, a good statement that you've made about your mom. What I've appreciated about her is she's been genuine in the home and outside of the home. She's the same person.

Yeah, that's huge. A little bit crazy in the house, a little bit crazy out of the house. Now you wrote, you wrote in the book that your ministry became or came in the form of being a mom to your kids. Describe that. You saw that as your ministry. And that was really as a result of spending time with these older women.

That was a result of being in the word and studying scripture and finding the highlight reel of the moms in the Bible and seeing how God called them to the ministry of raising the next generation of spiritual leaders or the ones that failed and didn't do it. So give us some of that reel. What does that look like? Oh, okay. Well, let me see.

Okay. Let's talk about Jocka bed. Cause I, I love Jocka bed. She was a mom at a terrible time in history. And you know, we're, we're raising our kids in a pretty difficult time in history.

And moms might say, there's never been a worse time to raise a child. Then I think Jocka bed might argue that it was her third child and Pharaoh had, you know, most of you that know the story, Pharaoh had passed a law that these babies that were being born, the male babies were to be put to death because he was concerned they were going to overthrow Egypt. There were so many Hebrew babies being born.

So Jocka bed hid him for three months. And then when she could hide him no more, the scripture says she came up with a plan to put him in the basket in the bull rushes. But where did that plan come from? God just calls us to do the next thing.

And he doesn't give us charts and graphs, how it's going to work out or certainty or certainty. And he led her to let go of that basket. And I think of moms that have to let go of a child that maybe has to go visit a biological father with a step-mom that's not a Godly influence or has to have their kids go to a public school and they have no other option. She let this child float right into the arms of a woman who Pharaoh's daughter, I mean, they worshiped cats. I just went to a field trip with a bunch of my grandkids to an Egyptian mummy museum. And it hit me afresh.

This is the culture, the religion. And I don't know why it's made me cry that Jocka bed had to say, here's my son. And fortunately Miriam followed him and, hey, I know someone that can nurse that baby. And maybe she got to nurse him for four years, maybe. And what would she be doing during those four years telling him about the God of Israel, singing songs about the God of Israel, implanting as much truth in that short time.

And then she had to let him go and be raised in the courts of Pharaoh. Yeah. I mean, that's a deeper way of looking at that story for sure.

It's real. Yeah. And the heartache of letting him go.

Because what do we read? Oh, and he was a beautiful child. And when she could hide him no more, she put him in a basket and it went down the river and Miriam said, my mom can nurse the baby.

And everybody's happy. It's like, she was heart wrenched to have to let go of that basket. Yeah.

Can't imagine. Well, and still there was risk. And I'm sure in many ways she was cut off as he became a child, an older child and, you know, trained in the Pharaoh's court and all those things.

But a mother's heart's a mother's heart. You and your husband, you actually did something with a young man, a boy who needed help. Tony, I think is his name. Describe what you did and how you took him in. So we planted a church in Austin, Texas, and we literally went from zero to 200 teenagers in one summer. How old was he? He was 15. Oh, wow.

Okay. And our house was just packed with these kids. And Tony was one of those kids. He came to Christ.

I don't have, there's a little bit of his story in the book, but a lot of it's his story to tell, but came from a very difficult family and he needed a family. Yeah. But the Lord just so impressed on our heart that Tony should be ours. So he moved in with us.

He became Brandon's big brother. He became our oldest. Yeah. Right.

Which they say don't adopt and have them be the oldest. And Tony's now he graduated from A&M university. I think I heard somebody yell whoop right there. And he went into the air force, became a fighter pilot. He just retired as a Lieutenant Colonel from the air force, married a godly woman, has two precious kids that love the Lord.

He lives in Hawaii and we were there visiting and he and his wife, who was a doctor, go every Saturday to the other side of the Island to minister to homeless kids. And he was telling his pastor this, that he's the age that Steve and Rhonda were when they took Tony in. And he said, it would be like me and Kylene taking one of these kids home with us. And Tony came home and he looked at me and he goes, y'all were crazy.

But the Lord just made it so irresistible that he was to be ours. Yeah. That's amazing. Brandon, being that son and here, Tony comes into the home and you're the oldest boy at that point until Tony.

Yeah. How old were you when Tony moved in? Was I seven, six, seven? He came into your life around six. How did that feel?

And over the years, how did it feel? I was overjoyed. Really?

I was so excited. And you shared a room with him even. Yeah. Shared a room with him.

Your generous spirit. Yeah. You know, I looked up to Tony in so many ways and I think even being a youth group kid and being around him, just the idea that he was going to all of a sudden be living with us and be a part of our family was just huge. And yeah, I was excited to have him around, have a big brother around. We'd wrestle more than I wrestled with anybody and then he'd pin me down on both ends. He'd pin me down and he'd do this thing where he would stand over me and he would put his index finger on my forehead and just tap, tap, tap, tap. But I loved it.

Big brother stuff. You are a calm spirit, man. He's tortured me. You were a younger brother.

Did you like that stuff? No, not at all. I learned how to fight. Maybe if you didn't have it and then all of a sudden you had it, you'd appreciate it. There you go.

Okay, fair enough. So I was really excited. It was really cool just having him part of the family. Obviously, there was a lot more going on with family dynamics and things that my parents were aware of putting him in the family like that.

Grocery Bill went way up. You think generally positive. Yeah.

That's a good experience. It doesn't always work out that way. I do remember when kids haven't been loved well, they'll either underachieve or overachieve. He's our overachiever and he has done well.

It's served him well. I did want to do everything that he wanted me to do. Yes. But Tony was valedictorian, football, all the things.

Yeah, fighter pilot. My goodness. He started when they were young nudging Brandon to do the things. Brandon was a different kid.

Brandon was a musician and he had different passions and we can talk about that in a little bit. But Steve and I had to pull Tony aside and say, he's not you. We love who you are. We love what you've accomplished. We're cheering you on and we want you to keep going, but you're not the standard. So if you start telling Brandon that he needs to do the same thing you are to be affirmed, to be successful, that's going to be hard on Brandon. So we're going to celebrate both of you and your differences. That's great.

That's good observation. I mean, they were best men at each other's wedding and they're very close, but I always tell sibling rivalry. How do your kids grow up to be best friends? Celebrate their differences. Never say to your kid, why aren't you more like your sister?

Why aren't you more like your brother? And we all know not to say it, but it's so easy to even imply it. Oh, totally. Rhonda, I appreciate pointing out the good moms of the Bible, but you also pointed out some of the bad moms.

And I appreciate that because you learned so much. Maybe that should be my next book. Bad moms of the Bible. There's plenty. Jean and I, we started reading together the Old Testament.

You get in there, it's a lot of manipulation and deception from the parents. I mean, it is kind of amazing that God chose some of the least likely people to be the subject matter for the Old Testament, particularly, but New Testament too. But point out some of the things we can learn from those that made mistakes.

And doesn't that just give us hope? Because my trademark is no regrets woman, because I help women build no regrets lives and break free from regrets that hold them back. And moms have regrets. But there are women in the Bible that God gives us hope, even when they did not do what they should have done. We'll talk about Rebecca and Jacob. She was a manipulative deceiver.

And we all know the story. She was pregnant. There was rumbling in her belly.

They didn't have ultrasound, but she's like, something's crazy in there. And then God reveals to her, you have twins. And the older is going to serve the younger. So when they're born, they grow up. And then one day it's time to receive the blessing. And it's supposed to go to Esau. And mom hears and goes, Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. God told me, I'm going to get involved because I got to help God with what he promised.

And at what cost? She never, as far as we know in scripture, she never saw Jacob again. She didn't bounce his little baby boys on her knee or her little baby girls. As far as we know, they talk about that the dad was still alive when Jacob comes back, but you never hear of his mom again.

How heart wrenching. And yet what damage did it do in her marriage to her husband and her who she deceived her husband. And it now was influencing her son, Jacob, who also was a trickster. And we see that lived out in his life.

Yeah. You believe a mom's decisions and actions today with her children have that kind of impact. Sometimes it's hard to connect Old Testament stories like that to modern day life. What's that application look like today for a mom? Psalm 103 17 says, but the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him and his righteousness to children's children.

Wow. That is just amazing to me because it doesn't say to those that live perfectly. It says to those who fear him, to those who honor him, who those who wake up every day and say, Lord, I want to live in obedience to you today. I want to walk in a manner worthy of my calling as a mom. I know I have been called to the ministry of motherhood. You know, they moms these days, they pee on a little stick, they put the picture on social media. So everybody knows they're expecting and they go buy all the cute maternity clothes and they decorate the nursery. And that's how they prepare for motherhood.

Yeah. But they don't prepare for the ministry. Rhonda, let me ask you this though. And this is an observation I've seen with Jean and other moms that we know sometimes we can overcomplicate it a little bit. What you just said there in the scripture, I mean, live righteously, be righteous, and these things will flow to your kids and to your grandkids and hopefully to your great grandkids. But sometimes we think the formula needs, there needs to be more instruction that we need a 30 minute devotion needs to start with 10 minutes of song. And then we're going to have, you know, 10 minutes of Bible reading, and then we're going to have confession.

And then we're going to roll that into a wrap up song. And that feels better than just living life and talking about God and demonstrating God's presence in everyday things. Speak to that fear that sometimes performance, you know, if we're not performing well, that somehow we're going to let our kids down and they're not going to get God because we're not behaving or performing the way we need to. Your performance will not draw your children to your savior.

Your performance will become a religious action. Your kids may grow up and say, my mom, my dad, they were a good person, but their religion is not for me. But when they see us, which Jesus said the priority of life, protos is to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. The more that we fall in love with God, ask, and I remember meeting people that love Jesus and I'd be like, I don't love him like that. But I would say I loved him, but I knew I didn't. And I asked God, I want to love you like that. Show me, convict me, make me desperate to love you like that. And then fellowshipping with others that love Jesus like that.

Iron sharpens iron. And when I get bumped, what comes out of me reveals my heart. So, you know, a lot of times, let's say you're the homeschool mom and you don't really do anything socially with anybody else except your family, because you're doing a really good job in your house, doing your thing. And maybe you go to church on Sunday and you're out of there, but you're not fellowshipping with other moms. You're missing an opportunity for your own heart to be revealed. And then I have friends in my life, we call them, Brandon knows they're his other mothers that we've been friends with for 30 years. And we invite each other, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If I'm anxious or fearful or judgmental or gossiping, stop me, tell me, I will do that for you also. And that to me is a valuable part of being in the ministry of motherhood is be with other moms that see it like that and want to live like that.

Yeah. Now in the context of Mary, she did so many things correctly. I mean, she was a teenage mom, but what do you derive from Mary as a mother? Poor Mary. She was so little, she was so young.

And this angel Gabriel, here's crazy writing in the margin of your Bible, God's ways. He sent Gabriel to her when she was alone, when she was all by herself. Joseph wasn't with her, her mom wasn't with her.

You're going to have a baby, you're a virgin. And she was like, wait a minute. And she says, I've not known a man. And I love that God lets her question. She's not being faithless or rebellious.

She's just like, I got to wrap my head around what you're asking me to do. And then at some point, and she knew scripture, she knew Messiah was going to come through a virgin girl. So when God asked her to do something, it was filtered through a lens of scripture that she already knew was sound doctrine. And she says, yes, of course, Joseph doesn't believe her. And she leaves and goes to see Elizabeth. And what I love about that story is sometimes when God calls us as moms or in any area of our life to do things that are so much bigger than we can even imagine, He sends us encouragers. And Elizabeth was Mary's encourager.

Old ladies, no stop. She was older. She had John the Baptist in her womb. The mother of my Savior is here. Can you imagine what relief young Mary felt when her cousin said that?

Like somebody believes me. And then when she went back, of course she married and Joseph believed her because an angel told him. And then she took Jesus with Joseph to the temple to have him confirmed, circumcised, all the things that they do at that age. And Simeon shows up, an old gentleman, and he takes that little baby out of her arms. And he says, oy vey, I can die now because God promised me that I was going to see the consolation of Israel before I died. And I love also, Anna walks by right in that moment.

It happens too. I mean, there's God's ways, right? He's literally orchestrating that Anna walks by and hears that. Anna spent the rest of her life as an evangelist saying, I've met the Messiah. Working at the Messiah. Working at the temple.

Yes. But also Simeon said, basically, sweet girl, your heart's going to break. There's going to come a time when your heart is going to be pierced with sorrow. Mary didn't know Jesus was going to be crucified. Mary had an idea that my son was going to be Messiah and be the king.

They didn't understand that he had to die. How was Mary when she was standing looking at her son on that cross? Did God use the words of Simeon to remind her, encourage her? This is my will. God sends people in our lives when the task of motherhood, the task of whatever ministry he calls us to is bigger than we can even wrap our minds around.

And that is part of the challenge that God doesn't guarantee it's going to be easy. Some wonderful insights from our guest, Rhonda Stoppi and her son Brandon on today's episode of Focus on the Family. And we're reviewing one of our most popular programs from 2023 and hope you've been encouraged by what we've shared thus far. Well, there's a lot more to come, John.

We hope you'll join us for part two of this really important discussion next time. The Stoppis will share a powerful story about a health crisis Brandon went through and how Rhonda, as mom, had to essentially give up her control of her son's future and lay it in the Lord's hands. This is really good stuff and stuff that will equip you for your parenting journey. Well, contact us about getting a copy of Rhonda's book, Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, guiding them toward their purpose and passion. It really is a wonderful resource.

There's so much more detail in the book that we just couldn't cover in today's show. So make a donation of any amount to Focus on the Family and we'll send you Rhonda's book as our way of saying thank you for supporting families. Call and get that resource. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459.

We're stopped by the program notes for all the details. And when you get in touch with us, I hope you'll consider becoming a financial partner with Focus on the Family. We're already looking ahead to the marriage and parenting needs of so many families in 2024. And over the next 12 months, we estimate more than a half a million parents will access Focus resources as they navigate major changes like a new baby or the transition into puberty or helping their teen become an adult or maybe even leading their child to the Lord. Plus, we anticipate equipping more than 400,000 couples to build stronger marriages and helping another 100,000 singles prepare for marriage and spiritual growth in the new year. There's a lot going on and it's our goal to give these families hope.

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We'll have the details in the program notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we hear more from the Stoppies about moms and sons, and once again, help you and your family thrive in Christ. Join us as we chat about how Christ's birth inspires us, how we celebrate the season, and ways we find that childlike wonder again. Listen to the Christmas Stories podcast on your favorite podcast app.