Finding Real Purpose in Your Life (Part 2 of 2)

Hey, Jim Daly here. If you like the Focus on the Family broadcast and haven't grown tired of this voice just yet, you'll love my Refocus Podcast. On Refocus, I take a deeper dive with a respected thinker on different aspects of culture. I ask those hard questions that maybe they don't get that often, and I don't shy away from challenging topics to help you share God's grace, truth, and love with others. So listen to Refocus with Jim Daly on your favorite streaming app today.

And really, so the Bible gives us this incredible outline or even instructional plan on here's how you can get back on track when things absolutely derail, and life mapping really gives us a process to do that. That's Carrie Trent-Stagberg. She's Dr. John Trent's daughter and co-author, and she's talking about the life-changing process she and her dad teach. It's called life mapping, and we're so glad to have them back today on Focus on the Family to share more. Thank you for joining us.

Your host is Focus President and author, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, you know, life can hit us out of nowhere. It could be something as simple as appliances breaking down and maybe there's not enough in the bank account to take care of it.

What do you do? Or losing a job, maybe post-COVID. You haven't really recovered in some way with getting back to work in the office, et cetera. There's just so many things that can knock us off our rhythms, and I really appreciated the discussion we had last time with John and Carrie talking about life mapping. I don't think we pay enough attention to it. We're such a go, go, go culture that we don't look back and say, okay, where was I headed and why was I headed in that direction, and am I in the right direction right now? That's the essence of what we're talking about, and if you missed it last time, go to the website, download the discussion, get the app for your smartphone, and listen that way.

But it is a wonderful reminder of what God has in store for you. Yeah, a lot of positive movement in the last conversation, and I think you'll get stepping stones to a better place today as we continue the discussion with Dr. John Trent and Carrie Trent-Stageburg. They're speakers and authors and work together at strongfamilies.com.

And they've written a book that is really the foundation for the discussion today. It's called Where Do I Go From Here? Life Mapping Your Way From Personal Chaos to Purposeful Calm, and stop by the website to learn more. John and Carrie, welcome back. Hey, thank you.

Great to be here. I love this, you know, Ray Vanderlaan, who we did the That the World May Know series with, I went to Israel, Gene and I went to Israel with him, and there's a section in his training where he's just talking about God's shalom, his peace, and that this world, when sin entered this world, chaos entered the world. And Jesus came to take that chaos away from us as believers, and I thought, wow, isn't that, it's parallel with what you're talking about. When your life is chaotic, that's not where God wants you to be. He wants you to feel and sense his shalom, his peace.

That's why he says his yoke is easy and his burden is light, right? Yeah. Oh, man, what a great way to kind of encapsulate that whole life mapping thing, because once you realize, oh, my goodness, maybe the Lord really was there in the strengths, in the struggles, in the past, and we help him see these pictures. It is amazing the energy, we're trying to get him to regain that first love, you know, but it's so helpful, I think, to, again, just have that sense of, man, my story is connected.

Right. And there really are some things, and so that's what we just love about getting to do this with you. Yeah, and we covered last time, and you both hit it so wonderfully, how we need our identity rooted in Christ, and that gives you a certain confidence. It's not ego or cockiness, it's confidence in Christ. I know who I am because I know whose I am.

Carrie, let me ask you this. In terms of the life mapping, you speak in the book about image management and authentic living. Yeah. What's the difference? Talk about, I mean, what I think is image management, social media, oh, my gosh, it's Pinterest, it's everything. Yeah, I mean, really, you know, kind of just a quick definition of how we look at it, it's when the public self and the private self exist, but they're not the same. And I think you hit it on the head, I mean, not that all of us are image managers on social media, but for the most part, it really is a highlight reel of here are the best moments in life, and maybe we'll share a couple of the struggles. But the reality is we want that public self and that private self to be the same thing, and when they're not, we run into big, big problems. Let me ask you this.

I hadn't thought about it this way, but you look at Paul, and Paul writes, you know, those things I don't want to do, I do, and the things I do, I don't want to do. Yeah. He's kind of getting to that.

That's his public reel and his private reel. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's kind of interesting.

I never thought of it that way. But the point in there is we're striving to be authentic down to our core, to be who we are, both privately and publicly. But, you know, we're in a fallen world. There's going to be these little gaffes that we have. We're not going to, you know, we're going to yell at the kids maybe or, you know, do something that is incongruent with our Christian faith.

Absolutely. What do you do with that? Where do you go with that when you go, oh, Lord, forgive me for that.

I didn't mean to snip at the kids. That's really kind of what we're trying to help people identify. And in reality, there are two different types of image managers, right?

There are those of us that do that because we're sinful people and life happens or, man, we made a mistake or even something in our past is keeping us trapped in bad patterns that we just can't quite break out of. And then there's intentional image management where there really is that deceit and we've created this false identity for so long that all of our energy is going into maintaining that. So really kind of that first step is identifying where are we at on this scale? Is this, man, I've got some things to work on because I'm human or I've got some major things that I really need to look at. Yeah, that's good. And either way, God can provide freedom from that.

Of course, of course. In fact, you use a term called flashpoints. Describe flashpoints and what they are. Yeah, well, you know, we start off looking at strengths, but then we want to look at struggles, those freeze points that we talked about. But then for some of us, we want to be aware of, you know, a couple of things.

One is a flashpoint. And this ties in a little bit with Carrie. We're working with this one individual and, you know, God bless her. She was really having trouble connecting with anybody kind of in her life. And so much of it was this lack of trust. And so as we're putting up all these pictures of her life story, I said, well, what were some flashpoints?

What was something in your life? So now a flashcoin can be good, kind of like, you know, here's Saul and his way to, you know, to mask and boom, it becomes Paul. And the Lord meets him. And, you know, that's like a literal flashpoint.

That's kind of what they are. They're like that lightning moment where there's that happens and everything's different, positive or negative. Well, she's she's in high school. So we're remember we're looking at decades, you know, tell us about your life story.

What were some flashpoints? So she goes, well, I'm a senior in high school. I come home from school.

My mom has left a node. I'm I'm they're living on base. I'm at the commissary, you know, getting getting groceries.

I'll be back. She starts doing her homework. There's a knock on the door, opens the door and there's the base commander and the base chaplain.

Well, if you're if you're a military kid, you don't you don't want to see the base command. Her dad had just died, flew into a SAM missile. This is back to Vietnam. And she said, you know, that her mom came back finally, you know, from shopping and she just fell apart. And within a year, she was living with her grandparents and they were all her whole life.

She goes, there was before dad died, there was after dad. Yeah, it was it was the tip. So that's the flashpoint. But then there's something called untied transitions. And that's like where we're saying, you know, well, how did you deal with that? And for her, she had never closed the loop on that. And that was that that flashpoint, you know, that that it's like somebody walking in and saying you've got cancer or your kid has cancer. And boy, you look at your life story and you have such a hard time thinking, well, there isn't any more to my life story.

That flashpoint just can sometimes on the negative side can just freeze you. So that's what we're trying to get people to do is look at the strengths and the struggles. Well, and to get back to image management and authentic living, oftentimes it's those things that then create the patterns that we're living in that create that image management. You know, so out of that, she didn't deal with it. So she couldn't get close to people and have healthy relationships because she was so shut off and fearful that someone else was going to bail out on her. That was really important. And when she saw that, she could begin to move into authentic living with Christ and with others.

Yeah, that's a great outcome. John, I want to I want to go back a little bit to the process, because some people have heard us last time and today allude to kind of storytelling. And as a person is talking with you, you're anticipating about 20 to 30 three by five cards that they're going to mark up, which are these milestones in their lives. Good and bad.

With all these, you know, labels we put on them, the hill people from last time, flashpoints. In fact, this began to evolve for you, these these points in your life. I think it was a dinner, an anniversary, first anniversary dinner.

OK, now let me just say all the wives, go ahead and turn down however you're listening to us right now, because this is really bad. What is it? First anniversary dinner. Well, so, you know, if you think about my life map, you know, OK, maybe I've got some strengths, but you've got this freeze points and then some flash points and tough things that happened.

And and and but I hadn't really kind of closed the loop on him. And remember the image management we just talked about, you know, so now I'm I'm a youth pastor making all that good money. Oh, yeah, you're in the dough. We've been married for a for a whole year. And for our anniversary, we decide to go to a marriage conference. And you guys do those, you know, and Greg Smalley and you guys do such a great job with those. But I was in two softball leagues.

I'm in my doctoral program working all the time. We have no couple friends because we're working all with kids. And but I think we're doing great. Right. So we go to this conference and we're driving back and we have a maverick.

My wife, Jean, had a maverick. Well, bench seats. That's how you get two other couples.

So there's so we could get six people in the car, three and three, three up in the front, three in the back. And we drive back and I go, hey, let's do something. Let's go.

You know what? We've just been to this great marriage thing. And I had canceled some softball games to go. So I'm thinking, you know, let's go around and one to ten just talk about how, you know, where we're at on our marriage. We'd all been married on the same Sunday school class, all been married a year or less. All together. Yeah.

All together in the car. And so I go, this is a bad idea. We'll start. I know. I will start. Cindy goes, well, I don't want to do it.

That may have been the first clue. But I always with the jokes. Come on. She doesn't always joke because no, I don't want to do it. No, come on. You know, she goes, well, I'd I'd say we're probably a three on a scale of one to ten. Yeah. Ten being good.

I'm telling you, the tension level in the car goes right to the top. Nobody else wants to share their one to ten. But I drop off the first couple. Oh, real funny, Cindy. Drop off the second couple. And as soon as we get around the corner, you know, I'm good.

I mean, otters have teeth. You know, we're you know, you and I are pretty verbal. And I go, do you know what they're doing right now? They're calling the senior pastor.

We are toast. You know, do you have any idea? And she goes, well, you know what? If she has beautiful blue eyes, my wife, she looks me and she goes, look at me. She goes, if you don't want me to answer a question like that, then don't ask. And I kind of drop my head and she goes and I gave you a point because, you know, I gave you a point. And I go, well, thank you.

One whole point. So let's get this straight. I'm I'm in seminary. I'm being paid to be good.

I'm on a pastoral team and I'm at a two. And it's been a year, you know, so you see what I'm getting at. Oh, yeah. And I remember just all of a sudden, because this leads to kind of getting that clear plan. I remember saying, OK, you know, I drop in my head and we said, well, all right, help me.

What would be one thing that moved it from a two to a three or four? And we began to again, kind of create a because I had a clear plan and had to have a crummy home. I was living that out. OK, what I didn't have was a clear plan that really got me moving toward God's best. So that's what we do. Kind of in life mapping is when that person comes to the point where, all right, forget the image management, forget, you know, trying to be perfect. OK, it's time for me. I had to deal with some of the struggles and some of the untied. You know what I mean?

So, you know, and so just we began to say with our marriage, you know, in our spiritual life, you know, we began to use those cards to come up with a plan. Right. That really.

And man, just having a plan. There was a interesting study done years ago with easy bake. You know, Betty Crocker has this easy bake kind of a thing. And they made it too easy. So I wouldn't know anything about that.

I'm sorry. You have to just add an egg. If they just added one step, you know, so oh, I got a plan. I can add one.

I can just throw in an egg and I can do this. But they needed one. They needed a plan. They needed something. People need. Yeah, that's good. So that's what this.

Carrie, let me ask you in there. You refer to three key words for people to keep in mind when considering their plans and their goals. What are those three words?

Yeah. You know, I mean, credibility, confidence and communication are really kind of those three C's. And and really what we're talking about here is sort of a process for for creating energy and movement forward. You know, so far we've looked at the past.

And then why? Where am I stuck? But really, now we're trying to build that momentum to get people moving towards a positive future. And one of those key things really is the confidence to do that, because even just having a plan adds that extra layer of confidence.

Well, I'm not just shooting in the dark. I have a step in front of me. Even if it's a small step, I can do that. And so it's really encouraging people to begin that process of movement and also to do that within community, which is kind of that communication piece. I mean, we were not created to do life alone. And, you know, a lot of us, we've got challenges, but we don't have people to walk with us. Right.

Back to yesterday's. Absolutely. Which is critical, you know, and we're going to get farther down the road and we're going to stay on track when we have those people. And so it's really encouraging people to build that kind of community and connection around that. And then that credibility piece of, you know, we want to be the real deal. You know, this isn't just about behavior modification.

And, you know, you shared that in the story. There was a heart change and a humility that had to take place in order for that to really begin to change your relationship. And so we want to be authentic from the inside out, not just change our behavior. You know, so often, though, that authenticity, some people, if they're not perfect in it, then they're not authentic. And that's not I don't think perfection is the point. It's driving toward being more who you are consistently. Yes.

And, you know, we're all image managers to a degree. You know, you walk up, you go out to dinner and the waitress walks up, you've had a crummy day and they go, how you doing? And you're going to go fine. Now, worse, worse when the food is terrible. And they walk up and say, how's your food? And you go, oh, great. And you were just talking about how bad it was. That's the most unauthentic moment of my life. This is horrible. Oh, yeah, it's good. It's totally different than trying to go home and be in an image management where you've got a public self and a private self.

And they're two different things. So get that plan. I mean, with Cindy and I, man, I had to start I need to get in a small group, for example, that connection. I needed I needed just a friend who would say, you know, how are you doing, really? You know, and that kind of a thing. Carrie, what does it mean to live in learned helplessness? Yeah, you know, learned helplessness is a term a scientific study was done.

And I'm not going to go into details because it's horrifically sad. But essentially, the purpose of the study was to determine, can a specific type of animal become so hopeless that they just give up? And the reality is, yes. And even if the threat is removed, they're so conditioned to just give up that they're not going to move even when the threat is gone. And that can happen to us as people as well. We're so conditioned.

Man, I've tried so many times and it hasn't worked or I've tried and I've failed, you know, and and we get so conditioned that we just can't move forward. And so really what we've built into life mapping is the opposite of that, which we call learned hopefulness. And it's actually planning to fail, which is my favorite part of life mapping, because, you know, I've got enough otter in me where I create a plan and it's basically laughable that it's going to actually go according to plan. And so but when you have a plan for when things get off track or when things get hard or when you blow it big time, you're a lot more likely to actually get back on track. No, that's good. And I like that, that idea of hopefulness. That's the goal, right?

It is. And, you know, do you remember a long time ago when GPS first came out on your phone? Do you remember that voice? Remember that voice that would go recalculating or rerouting? I think it still does that, actually. Yeah, I hate that.

You know, now on most phones now, it just, you know, it just takes it. OK, you got off track. That's life. People think life is linear and it's not. You know, we talk about how it seems like chaos. But what we're trying to say is God has been there in every step of your life and the strengths and the struggles. When you were an image manager, when that was almost professional and when you decided, no, I want to be the real thing and I'm going to get a plan. But any time you get a plan, you're basically begging that plan to be blown up.

And then at that point, you know, though, you're saying, OK, Lord, let me give an example. You know, we're working with this lady and she's making a bunch of progress individually. And then all of a sudden she had a kid that went off the rails. And so let's push pause on the life map.

What we got to deal with this over here. Now she comes back to it. Well, then her husband had a there was a challenge with her husband.

She had to push pause. Do you see what I'm getting at? So there's that sense in which it was like rerouting. OK, so I wanted I want to live out this cool life plan because that's creative and it's energy and what God gives us to move towards him. But learned hopefulness is that that sense of, OK, Lord, even if that you know, if something challenges that.

Can I give you a real quick example? Going home for Christmas. We work with a lot of people where we're looking at their life map.

So what's something that could blow up your plan? And it's so funny, but a lot of people go home and they're back in there. They're 35 year old, but they're 16 years old when they go home or that maybe their parents, you know, don't know the Lord. And you're they're showing your kids stuff and you're just you're thinking, oh, my gosh, you know, here I am. I'm trying to you know.

And so it's all right. What are the things that are that could, you know, again, blow up that plan? And then start saying, OK, Lord, I'm going to anticipate that. And it really is a huge help in terms of getting people to move forward. I'm thinking, you know, someone's listening. The key to me is a person that's feeling helpless.

What's my first step to feeling hopeful? Yeah. I mean, that's got to be the right question they should ask. Yeah. And I think so much of that is, you know, more of the same never brings change. And a lot of times our actions dictate feelings, not the reverse. And so when we actually start moving, all of a sudden we begin to feel that energy and begin to see that difference. And I think for so many people, this is the place where they begin to realize things can actually be different.

Yeah. Because they go home and they've anticipated some of those challenges. And it's like, oh, I don't have to do it the same way that I've been doing it. There is a way out or, you know, I wasn't perfect, but man, it was 10 times better than what it has been. Why do you think we avoid changing if the outcome is the same force in certain situations? I mean, change is hard. It is. Is that the simple answer?

I think so. I mean, I know for me, change is hard. And also we get comfortable in those roles. And a lot of times it takes effort and energy to break out and do something different. It's very illogical. Yeah.

I mean, it really is. But I'll tell you, when you have somebody telling you you're pathetic, you can't do it. A lot of times that just erases, we go right back there and we're kind of where we started on day one, where we talked a little bit about how, do you remember how you just cannot move forward because you're just, you know, the key to change is in the past. Boy, they never liked me. And so here I am over here with my plan, but boy, this can't change. And all of a sudden you begin to realize when you look at the totality of that life map, that was over here. The Lord's with me over here. I really can change. Yeah.

You know, let me ask you this. The final part of the life map process is creating a memorial marker. I guess what is a memorial marker and how does it relate to the memorials that God has his people in the Old Testament go through?

Yeah. Well, real quick, the terms of the scriptural example, remember that one of them was where, you know, he leads the nation of Israel not only across the Red Sea, but also across the Jordan at flood stage. And then they go across on dry land and then they come back and get those stones and pile them up. So that's the memorial marker. And then it's like, bring your kids back here and look at that and let it be a reminder. So what we try to do with people is say, OK, what's something that can give you a picture of where you want to go?

I'll give you an example. OK. And for those that are listening, I'm opening up a piece of paper, an old piece of paper, a really old piece of paper that's taped together. And this would be an example of a memorial marker. Now, it could be anything. You know, it could be a rock. You know, we went to a camp and I got a I got a rock when we were up in the mountains there in Colorado. And it's on your desk and it's a reminder of some decisions you made, you know.

That's cool. But for me, you know, I used to hate my dad and so much of my energy. And then I became a Christian and I just intensely disliked him. And then I began to grow in Christ and realize I'm becoming just like him.

I don't even know. And so then I meet my great uncle and my great uncle is my dad's uncle. And it was a total accident that I met him in Texas.

But he ended up becoming the closest thing I've ever had to a dad. And long story short, he writes me this letter when he's dying. OK. And he goes, it's kind of come as a surprise to you, but I've decided to do a living will. Anybody you ever had to do that where you're the one that's saying it's time.

OK. And so he says his lawyer is going to contact me and all this stuff. And he goes, thank you, John. You've helped me so much in the past. And I'm sure you will continue to do so because you are my son. And I can't even tell you. I had somebody.

Remember those high health people? Yeah, I had somebody in my life. Now, my dad, I carry his name, but he never chose to bless me or say something.

Yeah. And even to the day he died, he held his hand for eight and a half hours as he customed me for praying for him. And I didn't preach. It just he died of congestive heart and lung failure.

It's a terrible way to die. And I just prayed for mercy for him. But I never got the blessing from him.

But I'm telling you, I got it in print. So so it's like, OK, Lord, can I really change? Remember Josiah in scripture? His grandfather was horrible. His dad was just as bad. And he says, And Josiah walked in all the ways of his father, David. Wait a minute. His father was actually this.

He had to switch fathers. You see what I'm getting at? Oh, I do. Identity again. Yeah, identity. And so, you know, I've got Jesus.

I've got at least one person in my life that said, you're my son. And all of a sudden, you know, that purpose begins to be there. And and so that's what we love about life mapping is when people, you know, find something.

We heard of a guy where he, you know, got blown up in Afghanistan and he still kept the boots from the blood on him and everything. But they were a reminder that, OK, I lived in, you know, God's not done with me. Right. Well, this is all so good. And, you know, it's hard to capture this, but we've got the book. And, you know, that's the place to go.

And I hope you can get in touch with us and let us provide that to you. It's called Where Do I Go From Here? And like I said yesterday, if that's a question you're asking yourself, answer it. Don't keep doing the same thing as we talked about a moment ago, because you're going to get the same result. So why not get a copy of this book, read it and put it into practice? I think that's the point. And the people that you've done this with, it's really changed their lives.

So that's the proof in the pudding. So get a hold of us here at Focus. We have Caring Christian Counselors. We can start there if you're in difficulty.

But if you're connecting with this and you're saying, I just need a map, I need to know what to do, let's do it together. And if you can make a gift of any amount, monthly or one time, we'll send it to you as the book, as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. If you can't afford it, we'll get it to you. We'll trust others. We'll cover the cost of that. So just get in touch with us and let's change what you're doing for the better and for Christ. Yeah, we're a phone call away.

Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family. We'll stop by the show notes for all the links to the resources and help Jim just mentioned. All right, Kerry, John, thanks so much for being with us. This has been really good. Thank you. Well, thank you.

What an honor to get to, you know, I started with you guys in Arcadia, California. And now it's a few moons ago. It was a little bit ago.

Yeah, but it's so good to have Kerry here, too. Yeah, it's been three generations. Yeah.

Right. Number two is on the way. Two is on the way. That's fantastic. And thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope restored marriage intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at one eight six six eight seven five two nine one five.

We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. That's one eight six six eight seven five two nine one five.