Finding Real Purpose in Your Life (Part 1 of 2)

Hey, it's Jim Daly here. Just so you know, it's time. Time for a challenge. Time to not only be a Christian, but live your faith. Bring Your Bible to School Day is the next Live It Challenge on October 5th. Nationwide, kids will team up to share the gospel at their schools.

To learn more or register your children for the first time, visit bringyourbible.com. His word gives us confidence. So let's live it up.

bringyourbible.com. That's what we're talking about because we all need people that are going to go up the hill with us. We weren't created to do life alone.

And if that was missing, that could be a really key reason why we're feeling stuck. That's Keri Trent-Stageberg talking about how to move into a place of connection and caring and calm with the support of others. Welcome to Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus President and author, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. Today we're going to be talking with Keri and her dad, well-known author and speaker, Dr. John Trent, about a concept called life mapping, which is a big picture perspective that we all need in life. That's good.

And I'm looking forward to it. You know, I think it's been 40 years since Dr. Trent first did the life map. And there's been a lot of people that have been helped by this. I'm thinking of the pandemic, all of its aftermath. People, I think we use the term being derailed.

You know, you just, you just fall out of where you were headed. I saw it with the high school kids that my boys are running with. I mean, many of them didn't go to college. They had planned to go to college, but of course, everything was shut down for a while and they didn't go to the dorms.

They didn't. Now they're ski instructors up here and they were smart kids, STEM research kids, and hopefully that, you know, generation will get back on track. I hope they're listening to this program about life mapping today. There are eight steps to creating your own life map, which John and his daughter Keri share in the book, Where Do I Go From Here? If you're asking that question, I think we're going to have the answer for you today or we're going to help you find the answer. And I'm looking forward to this discussion.

I am as well. And Dr. John Trent has been here a number of times. He's a nationally known speaker and best selling author and president and founder of StrongFamilies.com. Keri Trent Stagberg is also with StrongFamilies.com as a writer and speaker and co-founded a consulting company, I believe. The return guests here and the complete title of the book published by Focus on the Family in Tyndale is Where Do I Go From Here?

Life Mapping Your Way From Personal Chaos to Purposeful Calm. And you can find out more about our guests and the book in the show notes. We've got the link right there for you. John and Keri, welcome back. Hey, thank you. Great to be here. Thanks for having us. Always fun.

I enjoy. Now you're living down in Arizona. I love Arizona. It's just wonderful and never gets hot. I was going to say I love it, especially in January, February, when it's like minus 40 here in Colorado. That's when my husband and I come down.

We're up in Seattle. We move in for the winter. So mom and dad, that's it. Now that we have grandkids, they're OK with it.

That is good. Well, listen, let me start with you, John. I think the right question for those that don't know about life mapping is what is life mapping and how did it come to be such a big part of your ministry? Well, it really is.

I mean, we're coaching people all the time now not just to create a life map, but we're training life mapping coaches, which has really been fun. But it all kind of goes back to really what's going on today so much and really what you mentioned. I'm here to tell you, we live it. There's so much chaos. There's so much change. And unfortunately for a lot of people, what happens is in the midst of that, it's almost like we just get, you know, we just get stuck. We just shut down. And there's that sense that, you know, we're just stuck.

So isn't that weird? At the same time, everything's changing. We don't want to change. We're just stuck.

We don't know what to do. And what life mapping does is really helps you take hold of, OK, what are the pictures of my life story? Does it have purpose? There's so many people today that just think there isn't a future. There is no purpose. I mean, we're hearing that constantly is the huge message on social media.

And so if there was ever a fantastic time for answering that question, well, where do I go from here with all this chaos, with all this change? And that's what life mapping does. And we'll get into that because it really helps. Yeah, we'll talk it through. But I really want to capture that person that is, you know, OK, this sounds interesting.

Describe the adjectives that person that needs this. Yeah. Well, I would say for a lot of people, I think, John, you mentioned your wife does puzzles. She does love puzzles. Yeah.

You know, and I live with somebody like that for 40 some years. So we have a puzzle out all the time. So now try a puzzle box with no cover, you know, try a picture. Yeah.

I can't even get started with that picture. Yeah. So, you know, but when you when all of a sudden you see, you know, just life is a bunch of pieces because here's something huge. OK, when life isn't connected, when you don't see any connections, then it kind of just leads to chaos. And it seems like it's all random. And for so many of us, man, we think my life's out of order, for example. So you're giving me those adjectives out of order, kind of confused, don't know what to do next. Yeah. And they're also I think for so many people, it's like, well, why bother?

What difference does it make to have a clear purpose in life? And, you know, I'm just going to go with the flow. But the problem is today that is just throwing you everywhere. Well, that can be the feeling of that.

It can be a little overwhelming if you're not a process person. Yeah. I kind of lean into, well, God will open a door.

He'll close the door. I'll wake up tomorrow and just, you know, see where he wants to go with me. Yeah. And that can be a little bit freeing, but also a little bit daunting for some people.

We're not all wired the same. Well, and, you know, when things are going well, that's easy to, you know, kind of deal with. But all of a sudden we're dealing with tons of people where, you know, for example, working with this one guy, and he started off playing hockey at five years old, ended up at the pinnacle of hockey-dom and, you know, a pro player. And now think about what that does. OK, you've got a clear purpose.

You've got all these friends and associates and everything that is, you know, in geared, geared towards that. And then he blows out his knee to the point where he is. His whole career is gone. Now, what does he lost? Just almost everything. Yeah. Purpose, direction, direction where he's going.

So tons of people who need to answer that question, where do I go from here or in transition? They were married. Now they're a single parent. You know, they had a job.

Now they don't. Right. Yeah.

All those things. Carrie, let me ask you what I love about science often. Yeah. You know, you're a psychologist, John.

You're a counselor. Yep. In that context, you're pulling this right out of the book of Revelation. Yeah. Revelation two five. Yep. So lay that groundwork for us, Carrie. How scripture backs us up.

Yeah. You know, I think the thing that's so incredible about that verse is it's really, you know, Jesus is talking to the church and he's kind of walking them through. He tells them seven things that they did that were wonderful. But he tells them this, you know, you.

But you have left your first love and he gives them a plan to get back to it. And really, that plan is to remember from where you've fallen, which if you think about it, we don't fall from a low point. We fall from somewhere higher. Right.

You have to at least be upright to fall. Right. And then he says, repent and then do the deeds you did at first. And really. So the Bible gives us this incredible outline or even instructional plan on. Here's how you can get back on track when things absolutely derail and life mapping really gives us a process to do that. And that's really what it's based around. Each of those elements, the remember the repent and the and the do the deeds. You did it first or get a new plan to move forward is all incorporated in life mapping through the beauty of seeing the pictures of our life story. Yeah.

Which is great. And again, we're going to do that. We'll post that at least that framework for the life.

People can get the idea, but we'll also offer you the book, which has got everything in there that you'll need. Let me ask you, John, you have a story about your first day in seminary. I always love your first day.

Thanks. First day at school. First day at football practice. Really?

You're like the epitome of. But that first day in seminary, something occurred. What happened and how did it teach you something? Well, it really leans into kind of where does life mapping start? So remember, Carrie mentioned remember from where you've fallen. OK, now for so many of us, when we're sitting down with somebody, their life's in chaos, they're stuck, they're in transition, all of that, you know. And you ask them, OK, so tell me about your strengths.

What's the first thing they say? It's like, well, if I had any, do you think I'd actually be in here? And it is amazing how challenges and transition can just wipe away, you know, that sense of who we are. So what we really do is help people decade their strengths. So remember from where you've fallen. So we use a concept called storyboarding where we throw out ideas, one idea per card. And what we're looking to do is literally put 20 or 30 things in a person's life story, because that's really what this is.

This is like taking the pieces of a life story, even something that big and highlighting those. So just to answer your question about seminary, you know, I don't know 100 percent where I'm going, other than I had graduated from Mighty TCU, the Honed Frogs and ended up going to Dallas Seminary. But I wasn't sure I wanted to work with families. But, you know, you're there to learn how to be a preacher.

But I wanted to be in family ministry. And I walked into the Christian home, which is with a guy named Dr. Howard Hendricks. Great Dr. Howard, Howie Hendricks.

The Howie Hendricks, you know, and just incredible. And he goes, he was from New Jersey at this gravelly voice. And he goes, you know, man, because there were only men back then at Dallas Seminary.

I'm so old. And he goes, all right, I want you to I'm going to give you a test. If you pass this test, you'll be successful in ministry.

If you don't, I can almost guarantee you won't. Wow. OK. No pressure.

Yeah. Sounds like a good test. I'm a new Christian. You know, I never took one Bible class before I went to seminary. I'm sitting next to these guys that are, you know, from Wheaton and all these, you know, the Bible majors in college, you know. So I'm thinking he's going to ask about the Hebrew kings or something to get him an order and get in order to prove your success. We're all in trouble.

So here he goes, I take out a piece of paper and he goes, I want you to write down your three greatest weaknesses. And I'm sitting there going, oh, my gosh, if this is what makes you really I'm going to I'm going to be really good. Oh, my gosh.

Here they are. I do like 20. You know, I get a legal pad out, you know, kind of a deal and everybody's writing and I'm always sitting in the back of the room. I'm the back of the room guy, you know. And so I'm looking down at 100 students and they're they're all right. Having no trouble coming up with their weaknesses. And so then he calls times out and he goes, OK, that's not the real test.

Flip it over. And here's the real test. What are your three strengths? You know, what's God put in your life? And so that's what we do with life mapping is we start out. Remember from where you fall and you want to get to back to that kind of that first love with Christ, that sense of just being in love.

You know what love does is it gets you moving. And so we start off with helping people see their strengths. And Kara, we even use something called the connect assessment. Dr. Dewey Wilson helped us with. Yeah.

And we've been on here talking about lions and otters and golden retrievers and beavers. And, you know, Focus has published The Two Sides of Love, which is all about that. And so, you know, for a lot of people, like you said, they come in and they're going, well, I don't have any strengths or I don't see them. Or I thought it was a strength, but someone just told me it wasn't.

Or, you know, this season is confirmed, maybe that's not it. And so we're helping them through using different tools and memories of the past to really identify, man, this is who God created me to be. This is about my identity.

And these things, regardless of circumstances, are unshakable. No, that's good. In fact, you created a quiz, correct? Yeah.

The connect assessment. So you can take that and find out what animal you are and write all the fun things. I think I know you and I are both otters. Yeah.

Slightly otters. The party guys. Come on, let's go have fun. So the lion, everybody dreads the lion.

The can do person. Let's go take the hill. Yeah.

And so on. But thank goodness we have golden retrievers in this room and the beaver and the beavers that are actually taping this. You know, my wife's the beaver. Yeah. You know, let's do everything exactly right.

Let's make pancakes exactly to the amount required. Let me let me ask you, Carrie, why do you think you're hearing your dad, you know, talk about that moment, writing down his strengths became very difficult. Why is that so difficult for us to do? You know, I think for so many of us, there have been things that have erased or trying to erase our identity. I mean, we have an enemy that's actively trying to do that. And especially the voices in this culture right now are trying to do that in so many ways or to tell us we don't have a purpose. We're not valuable or the way that we were created isn't right. It's wrong. We need to change everything about us.

And so it's just under attack right now. And that's really, again, where we want to give people that sense of identity of this is who Christ created you to be. And man, that can change the world. And I know for me, you know, when I was in an abusive situation, I just wasn't able to hear it. I had people that were willing to tell me things about myself that were true, but I couldn't hear through the lens of what was happening to me. And I remember he actually gave me tricked me into meeting him. He offered to buy me new tires, which, you know, it's worth the trip. It was. I was like, yeah, a thousand bucks time with dad.

You know, I think I'll do it. But he gave me a list of 10 truths about who I was. And at the time, I didn't even want to take the paper.

But I did. And when things would happen or, you know, my ex would say things. I found myself going into the bathroom and pulling out that paper and going, I don't know if that's true. And then I kind of want it to be. And well, maybe that could be. And so we're really trying to help people change those pictures where maybe they've been told they didn't have value or purpose or who they are is wrong.

And giving them a sense of getting back to that identity in Christ. Good. Wow.

Powerful. Our guest today on Focus on the Family are Dr. John Trent and his daughter, Carrie Trent Stageburg. And we're so glad to have them talking about finding the positives. And you can find out a whole lot more about this concept of life mapping in their book. It's called Where Do I Go From Here? Life Mapping Your Way From Personal Chaos to Purposeful Calm.

And of course, we have copies of that here at the ministry. Give us a call. We're stopped by the show notes for details. John, one additional important part of life mapping before we get into some more of the pictorial approach to this is identifying high hill people. Yeah.

What is a high hill person? Well, all right. So think about it again, where there's those three parts to life mapping. You know, there's that, you know, remember from where you've fallen. All right. You do have some strengths. God can use you. You know, you don't have to just deprecate, you know, anything you've done because you're not perfect or you've done it out of order because so many of us think, well, I did life out of order. You know, I did.

I did this and this. So none of it counts. But, you know, that's not true. So we start off by helping them focus on their strengths.

But who was it that just thought you were awesome at some point in your life? And here's where it all comes out is University of Virginia did a study where it was a visual perception study, a guy named Prophet that that did this study. And they would take students. So picture, you know, you're walking on campus and there's a big high hill right there on campus. And they would grab people that were by themselves and then they would grab people that were with somebody.

So with the people that were all by themselves. So, you know, you put this backpack on them. You're looking up this high hill.

And it's a perception study. So how high is it and how hard is it to climb? And when you were the people that were by themselves, every one of them overshot. It was higher and it was going to be harder to climb. But when you had somebody standing with you and they put their hand on your shoulder and they got a backpack, they're going up with you. And guess what?

The mountain shrank. What I'm getting at is is what we're seeing is all right. Now, who is it that was absolutely crazy about you when you walked in the room? Man, their eyes lit up. And can we explain?

We've got kind of a thing we can coach them right now. So wherever you are right now, kind of think back to where were you when you were 10 years old? You know, and if you lived in an apartment, you can kind of levitate or whatever.

But you're 10 years old and you're looking in your home. Is there somebody there whose eyes just lit up when they saw you? Who was it that was crazy about you? And, you know, unfortunately for a lot of us, maybe there wasn't anybody or, you know, we hear we honestly hear this all the time. It was the dog.

The dog was excited. My family wasn't. But, you know, we had at least had a pet. But maybe it was a coach. Maybe it was a teacher. Maybe it was a friend or a random stranger or somebody that just really made a difference. And you could just tell, man, that person is so excited to see me. Yeah.

And their eyes just light up. And that's that's what we're talking about, because we all need people that are going to go up the hill with us. We weren't created to do life alone. And and if that was missing, that could be a really key reason why we're feeling stuck. A hard, concrete example that I think was a teacher that you noticed and she or he was helping a student named Mark. And I think that was in the book. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and basically she got these students.

You know, they're all at the end of the year. But he's having a tough time staying focused, you know. And she stopped everybody and she says, all right, quit. I want you to take out a piece of paper. And she had written down everybody's name from the class on this piece of paper.

All right. It was actually two pages. So you had everybody in the class and you had to write down the thing about them that you like the most or you thought was really neat about them. And then she correlated those. She took them all, went home, collated them all, all the responses. And so each kid got like 30, you know, or 25.

How many students were in there? You know, and for one kid, it made all the difference. In fact, when he died, he was a soldier that was killed when he when he died. That was his folks at the funeral gave the teacher that said, guess what he had in his pocket, you know, in his wallet. When he passed away, he kept it for years.

It was all taped. Well, yeah. Yeah. In fact, that's exactly what Ecclesiastes says, right? That two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. I mean, again, it's rooted in this great scriptural truth about the human dimension.

Well, it is. We were created for connection. A good friend of us, Kenny Sandefur, wrote a great book with that title. And there's just that deep sense, that deep need we have.

Man, remember from where you've fallen. Because remember, we want to be loving. So starting with strengths is huge. You know, that does give me a little pause about loving your neighbor as yourself. Yeah. Have you spent time contemplating that?

Yeah. Well, I mean, it is really hard to love other people when you don't love yourself. But even that makes us wince a little bit as Christians.

Like, how do we do that? It sounds like lacking humility. Yeah, exactly. You know, but I think there's a big difference between saying this is who God has created me to be and holding that in confidence. Because it's not us. He gave that to us. And when that's in order, it's not pride, you know.

And really, he gave us these gifts to bless and serve and love other people and to show his light and love. So I think when it's in order, it feels that pride kind of element disappears a little bit. Another aspect of the book is identifying your freeze points. So what are freeze points? That's not when I stick my tongue on an ice cube. Which would be good.

That's a great movie we watch every year. But, you know, it's interesting. There's really two aspects to freeze points.

So we've looked at the strengths, right? And so picture on their life map, they might have 20 things up there that are the positives. But now it's time to say, okay, what are the seasons of hurt? So, for example, my dad leaves, you know, when I'm two months old, he took one look at my twin brother and I. And that was, that did it. Oh, that's sad. I'm sorry. But it's like, it's just, you know, he was an old third Marine Division guy that came back from the war hating God and man and just couldn't deal with it. And still trying to drink away all the pictures and couldn't do it.

And so he took one look at twins and that was, you know, he took off and I never saw him again until college. But the interesting thing, you know, is when you think about that season of time. Now, so that's what a freeze point's done. Is here in Colorado, does it get cold enough? Do the lakes ever really freeze? Never. Okay.

Okay. But I mean, it gets really cold. Oh, they're totally frozen. Oh, they are.

They do ice fishing. I'm from Arizona. You're bragging.

He does that to me all the time. It's not raining up there, is it? I've been in Minnesota and saw people drive on the lakes. Well, that's true. If we have a foot, they probably have four feet of ice. Yeah. So, but what that does is think about that over that layer of time, then so much is piled up.

And boy, if our goal is to be more loving, to be like Christ, to live out all this purpose and direction, you know. But what a freeze point is, is what is that season of time? Maybe you worked with somebody that was a really tough boss. And man, it was just every day you would walk in and then you start getting sick, you know, real easy. The doctor's going, why are you getting sick so much?

What's the stress in your life? And it's that thing, or you're in a long season of hurt. But here's the interesting thing, why we get them to talk about, okay, well, tell us about that season of hurt. In Hebrews 5-8, did you know, it's interesting, but it says that Jesus was trained, okay, by the things he suffered. Okay, learned obedience through the things he suffered. So wait a minute, how did Jesus learn anything?

We think he learned everything, and yet we know that he also, you know, but there is something about going through seasons of hurt that on the other side of it, you can learn, okay, Lord, what have you taught me through this? So that's the second area, freeze points. And I think it's important to note too, I mean, these can be individual, you know, like you talked about your dad bailing out, or a season of abuse, or a prodigal kid, but these can also be collective. You know, we all just went through COVID, which was a huge freeze point for all of us. You know, together, you know, think about seasons like the Great Depression and different things. So these can also be collective experiences that impact everybody as well. Sure.

Right at the end, we'll pick up next time, but here, how do you thaw the freeze points, which I guess would be the goal? Yeah, that is absolutely, but a big part of it is where you begin to look and see, okay, what was it that that produced in my life, that God actually, and this is hard, it's hard to get people some time to think about this. So there's nothing positive about my dad bailing out, okay? I'm not saying that at all, but it was when I began to look at it, we had to take responsibility really early.

Right. You grew up fast. We grew up fast. I was so open to the gospel because, man, I needed a dad. And here comes Doug Barham, my young life leader that showed up. And John, you were Youth for Christ. I imagine there was a Youth for Christ leader that showed up in your life. And I was so hurt and in need of things, so all of a sudden you begin to see, okay, that was a really tough season, but Lord, look at what you created in my life because of it, what I learned from it. And so that's really where we're helping people with this whole life mapping process. Well, and is there anything in there that we haven't addressed that might be why we're still stuck? Yeah.

No, that's all good. You know, I'm thinking of characters of the Bible like Joseph, my goodness. Did he have stuff stacked against him?

His brothers thought of killing him, sold him into slavery, but God used it in a very unique plan where he then ran Egypt and was able to give them food so they didn't die. I mean, it's amazing how there is a silver lining. And I love that scripture, and a good place to end is in Psalm 34 18, I believe it is, where it says he's close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. I mean, the question is always, why don't we run to that then?

Well, it's because we like comfort. But let's come back next time, pick it up and talk more specifically about applying this to the life map, doing a pictorial, what that looks like. This has been really good. And man, if we have touched some issues for you today, first of all, we have Caring Christian Counselors who are here to talk with you, pray with you, give you or provide to you some additional resources to help you move closer to God and hopefully get unstuck, as we've talked about today. Certainly one of the best things we could do is offer you the book that John and Carrie have done, Where Do I Go From Here?

If you're asking yourself that question, why not get the book? We'll make it so easy. If you can be a donor, participate with us, give us a gift of any amount, $10, $15, doesn't matter, monthly or one time, we'll send you the book as our way of saying thank you. If you cannot afford it, we are a Christian ministry. We'll get it in your hands and trust others, we'll cover the cost for that.

So there's no barrier for you. If you're in that spot, we want you to have this great resource to get out of the hole you're in because God does not want you in that pit. He wants you thriving in Christ. Well, contact us today, donate as you can and request that book. And by our guests, it's once again called Where Do I Go From Here? Life Mapping Your Way From Personal Chaos to Purposeful Calm. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, and we've got all the details about donating, getting the book, and reaching out to our counseling team right there in the show notes. And on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we continue the conversation and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your marriage can be redeemed even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope restored marriage intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.