Moms are Human, Too: Why Self-Care is a Good Thing

Hi, this is Jim Daly with Focus on the Family. I've got some great news. More and more people in America are becoming pro-life, in part because of the Dobbs decision that the Supreme Court made a year ago this month.

As a result, a growing number of people are becoming convinced that the baby in the womb is just that, a baby in the womb. We've got a great video at our website, itsababy.com, that I hope you'll watch right away. It's a short and winsome message, and we want you to share it with as many people as possible. Please join us in a grassroots campaign to share this video everywhere throughout your social media space. Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, whatever. Share it wide and far because the majority of Americans believe that the line to restrict abortion should be drawn somewhere. Let's convince them to draw it at conception. You can find our video at itsababy.com.

All one word, itsababy.com. And then, after leading her neighborhood Bible study and feeding all the needy children in the inner city, perfect mommy flew all around her sparkling clean home to plant flowers and wonderful love notes for her family. But she didn't stop there. Perfect mommy walked the dog, sang lullabies to the baby, and then gathered up daddy's slippers and newspaper, waiting patiently for him to appear at the front door. Well that sounds kind of like a fairy tale from way back years ago. It's really not possible to do everything perfectly as a mom or a dad, is it?

Probably not. Today on Focus on the Family, we'll be sharing some insights and healthier perspectives on motherhood in particular with practical ways that you can find the right balance of expectations and priorities and self-care. Thanks for joining us.

I'm John Fuller and your host is Focus on the Family president and author Jim Daly. John, I don't know if we say it enough, moms are incredible. They are, yes.

That's the bottom line. Moms are steady. They are incredible. My mom was incredible. I mean, she was a single mom after my dad and her divorce when I was five. She had five children under 18 and she worked two jobs just to keep it all together. Somehow I remember Sunday nights folding laundry with her as a six, seven, eight year old.

It was amazing. She just, she could do it. And now that I'm an adult with my own children, I'm going, wow, how did she do that? And there's so many moms in marriage doing well and single moms that are carrying a heavy load and doing it as best as they can.

And my heart goes out to you. I love moms. I mean, they just, that's it. My mom was that kind of mom. And I think the Lord created women for that nurturing and care.

It's like they can give to the very end of their well and they'll give you the last cup out of that well for you if you need it. And that is the heart of a mother. And today we're going to talk about being that kind of mom. Here's an important observation from our guest today. She said with motherhood, there is no stopping point.

There's no clocking out, checking out or leaving work behind. And as your kids grow up, the demands only multiply. And that is a statement. And you're going to hear from her today, Carrie Campacus. She is full of mommy wisdom. And I'm going to encourage husbands to lean in here too, because your wife has this role and this, this is going to be encouraging.

Thanks for that reminder. Carrie is an author, speaker, broadcaster, mom to four daughters, aging in range from 12 to 20 or so. And Carrie has written a book that is going to be the basis for our conversation today called More Than a Mom, How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You and Your Family Thrive. We kind of like that tagline there. Yeah, that's good.

And we do have copies of the book here at the ministry. Get in touch. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, or click the link in the show notes. Carrie, welcome back to Focus. Good to have you.

It's great to be back. Let's get right to it. I mean, you're the mother of four daughters. At what age was your oldest when your youngest was born? She was seven. So you had four, seven and under. Right. Okay, so how'd you keep it all together?

That's the question every mom wants me to ask you. By the grace of God. It was survival in those years.

It really was. Well, you know, that idea of giving the last cup out of your well must have resonated with you. I mean, yeah, moms just can't have this incredible capacity to just continue to give, give, give, sometimes to their, maybe often to their detriment.

So speak to that well idea and how you need to keep something in the well. Right. And you know, this book, I don't think I would have written it maybe even five years ago, but it's probably the season of parenting that I'm in now that you start realizing, oh, all those things you heard, it really is true.

Just needing to rest and not running full throttle all the time. Well, that's encouraging for moms of younger kids that are listening because it does get, it's different. Yes. You know, but the pace when you have all the young kids at the home and you're running around just trying to keep it all together. Right. Right. And get it all done. And you know, for some moms, they're also working too.

That's not uncommon today. So it's this incredible juggling act that you never, I'm assuming you never feel like you got it all done the way you'd want to get it all done. Right.

And how do you rest in that? Right. Exactly. And, and there's this feeling in this mentality that like if I rest or if I stop, the mothership is going to go down and everything will fall apart. And what I realized is that especially as your kids get older, they need more from you emotionally. But sometimes I was so tapped out that I was irritable or angry.

I was not able to give them what they needed emotionally. So it really makes you take a look at yourself and think, okay, what am I doing in my lifestyle that's depriving my family of what they need from me? So, you know, for me working from home, you know, a lot of people are working from home now, but which is great.

I have the flexibility, but it can just bleed into everything. I don't have set hours. And so I realized when I was working on a book, like it takes me a long time to write a book. Some people can write it in six weeks or three months.

I need at least eight months to a year. And so I've realized my first few books were on tight deadlines and I'm like, I can't do that again because I was living on four hours of sleep and trying to raise a family and I was irritable and grumpy. And so sometimes you have to make those mistakes and realize like, that's not the rhythm for me. I will never be that author who's releasing a new book each year and I'm at peace with that. But God might be calling another mom or another writer too. He might be giving them, giving them the grace to be that person. And that's fine.

That's their life. But recognizing our limitations and what God is calling us to do, I think is huge. I'm smiling just because I think that that other person who's got that kind of pace probably has similar problems, but they may not understand him quite the same way.

Let me speak to that. Use the term rhythms and you use that in the book, you know, finding that good rhythm. So if a mom doesn't feel like she's in a good rhythm, may not even feel like she can get to a good rhythm.

How does she begin to explore that? What, what does a good rhythm look like? I've never really felt it. Right.

Yeah. I think the biggest thing is just knowing that you are a human being. I mean, the whole theme of this book is you're more than a mom. Like we feel like that's our biggest purpose in this world and it is such a huge purpose, but more than that, our greatest identity is that we're a child of God and he's given us these gifts, our life, our body, our time, our family to be a good steward of these gifts.

And we can't be a good steward if we're not taking care of our needs as a human being. So the first thought is sleep, you know, making sure we're getting enough sleep. And as we get older, I'm like, I will not sacrifice my sleep anymore. Like it's just better for me to stop at eight o'clock. You know, I mean, my dad has said, he's like, the older you get, the more your body dictates what you can and can't do. And I do think that's a grace from God to kind of get us on a better pattern in a better rhythm because now I'm looking ahead. I'm like, I want to be a healthy grandparent.

I want to be able to support my daughters as they grow up. But if I kept up this old pace that I was, that I had, I won't be in a good position to do that. Yeah.

Well, speak to that. I mean, I would think, and again, just in our own household, you know, the pace was going, go, go, the kids would go down when they were younger at eight o'clock. Of course, then it's all the stuff you got to take care of paying the bills, cleaning up, you know, getting some loads of laundry done, maybe something like that.

How did you find a good rhythm in that regard that maybe you could get to bed at nine o'clock so you can be fresh the next day? For me, I'm such a doer, I had to really just minimize my to do list. And I know that's okay with that.

I had to be okay with it. Like, you know, what are my two or three most important things that I have to do today? And then if I get those done and I have time to do other things, that's just icing on the cake.

But I'm not going to put that pressure on myself. So before, and like with my calendar, I used to pack it full. I might have, you know, coffee with a mom in the morning and dinner that night with somebody or I just would have too much in a day. So if there was a glitch in the day or a child needed me or I had to go check them out of school or whatever, I would get mad and upset because I'd left no room for glitches.

Yeah. So I really had to just learn to put some some white space in my calendar. And I've even learned and to be wise with your nose and to know that, you know, we have to set boundaries in our life. And to think about how, you know, when we were growing up, parents and families could rejuvenate at home that it was considered rude to even call somebody after nine o'clock at night. So you had that space to restore yourself to decompress. And now we're expected to be on 24 seven. And so you know, like my mistake when cell phones first came out, I remember thinking I had to respond immediately, just because that's my personality.

And so it was detracting from my family, you know, at the ballpark and not paying attention to her, you know, her run that she's running. And because I'm answering this email, so really setting boundaries on our time. And now the world is not going to fall apart if we make somebody wait for an answer to an email. What I'm hearing in there is a lot of prioritization.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying load up more. I'm saying good prioritization, meaning you know what you don't need to do today. That's actually a good thing.

It's a good skill. Jean gave a wonderful compliment to a friend we have in Houston, we were over at their home, kind of a dinner party that she threw. And when we were leaving the house, Jean said to me, it was so refreshing. Her kitchen and her home looked lived in.

She didn't have to, like clean it to the hilt. And Jean meant that as a compliment. And she's a mom of teenagers.

So she's got a lot going on. And I thought, wow, that's really good. Yeah, I mean, it didn't.

Jean was like, Oh, my goodness. It just things were lived in. And there were things that were not picked up. And that's okay. Right.

And moms need to be good with that. Right. Even if company's coming.

Yes, exactly. Because sometimes we're not getting those relationship needs met. Because we think everything has to be perfect before we can invite people over. And nobody cares, you know, they just want to spend time together that kind of pours into this multitasking thing. You know, I think, guys, we get so much. I don't know, good feeling out of our title or, you know, the fact is, I'm so busy.

I had 14 meetings today. And oh, you wouldn't believe how right and I think women to a degree, they kind of find that same ego stroke when it comes to multitasking. Women are good multitask, we multitask all the time we do this that day. Maybe not.

Right. Maybe need to assess that. How do you view multitasking? You know, my thoughts on multitasking really changed. It was a few years ago when a mom was telling me that her brother's a psychologist, and said that we're actually less efficient when we multitask. And you know, when you're when your kids are little, I always say, Mommy's not an octopus. But that's what I felt like. I mean, I was constantly working. But I was I was like, Okay, this child needs a sippy cup.

This child's about to run out in the street, you know, like, where's the baby? So you're constantly multitasking. And I think for a lot of moms, we don't ever get out of that mode. And so we're doing several things at once. But what I learned about myself was I was more prone to making mistakes when I was doing that, like, I would have a check that I didn't sign, not send it in the mail, because I was doing that too. Yeah, it makes me feel better. But I'm like checking email at the same time and working on a document like, Oh, I can I'm gonna I'm gonna multitask.

And so I've had to really like train myself to just be like, okay, one thing at a time, focus on one thing at a time. And a friend of mine, I think this is a great example. She said that she has four kids like I do. So lots of laundry. And she used to when she was putting up laundry, she would listen to a sermon from church. And she goes, I would put the laptop on top of my laundry basket and like go from room to room with this laptop. But she realized that she was missing key parts of the sermon that way. So she would put up the laundry and then she would make herself sit on the couch and just watch the sermon. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. And I was like, that's such it's common sense. But I was like, but she's like, that way I could really take it in and not be distracted. And I think that's a great example of not multitasking, we can be more efficient and really be more present in our lives than if we're trying to do three things at once.

I thought you're gonna say she threw the laptop into the washer with the laundry. That would happen once or twice and you'd learn. But let me ask you, you point to the example of Jesus. This is always the trump card, right? But Jesus seemed to be holy in the moment, you know, wasn't multitasking per se, retreated for refreshment for, you know, to re-energize himself. So what can Jesus teach the mom about, you know, managing the day?

Yes. I mean, I think the Bible is just full of these instances when Jesus, especially before something big, like the night before he picked the disciples, he retreated to a mountaintop and just prayed all night long. And just he had to set boundaries around his time because people needed him all the time. And just to remind ourselves, like if Jesus could make time to rest, then surely we can too, that the world will not stop spinning if we take a little time to rest.

And instead, when we're ready to pour out again, we'll be giving 100% rather than 80%. But it is a fight and you have to be very intentional because we live in a culture of unrest. And, you know, somebody told me once, I thought this was good that, you know, you got to prioritize what's important over what's urgent, because what somebody else is considering urgent might not be what's really important.

And we can spend our days just putting out fires and spending our time doing all these things that don't really benefit our family or don't really fit into the calling that God has for us. You know, so much of that environment, especially again with a mom with younger children and just the go-go pace that that creates. And you feel like it's never going to ease up.

You know, it's always going to be like they're two, three, and four, and it's always going to be a load of laundry and it's always going to be all this stuff. And in that you lose your joy. You mentioned the book and you encourage moms in the book to choose joy. So, okay, this is going to be complicated because the mom's listening, you're listening right now and going, you know, it's hard to choose joy Carrie, you know, you remember those days of all that laundry and everything going on. So how do you choose joy?

Right. You know, and I totally relate. And I think my life is, I don't want to say it's easier now, but I don't long to go back to the little years. Like those were hard years, especially if your husband's working late, like my husband was at the time, or, you know, you're a single mom doing it by yourself and there's so many needs. But, um, I do think looking for joy in the moment and when a young mom told me this, she said, my favorite parenting advice that I've had was a mom told me to, you know, to remember that when you're wishing away the hard parts of a season, you're wishing away the sweet parts of that season too. So when you're wishing away the toddler years, I wish they would just, you know, quit getting ear infections and quit throwing tantrums and target and all the things that make it so hard. You're also wishing away how cute they look in their little pajamas at night. The fact that they want you to read them bedtime stories, you know, you think these moments will last forever and they won't.

We all know that having older kids that they won't, they won't give you that opportunity in a few years. And so, you know, to really just trying to find those joy in the moment. And I look back sometimes on old videos of myself and I'm like, I totally missed the joy in that moment or that season. And one example comes to mind was I had this vision of one Saturday morning, I'd built this fun blow up pool with all the bells and whistles at target. And I thought, okay, this is great. I'm going to take with my real camera, take some fun pictures of my girls the next morning.

So we'd all set up, had it all planned out in my head. And we had the video camera going on. And they run outside in their pajamas. Like, this is not a going according to plan. And they are jumping in their swimsuit.

And they're matching swimsuits. Exactly. I wanted, I had the vision in my head. And I'm glad, I think my husband got it on camera and I'm glad he did. Because, you know, then the baby's getting in there and she has a diaper and the diapers loaded with water. And you're like, oh, this is so plain out. It's just like everything. It's just like one thing after another.

It makes me feel so frazzled. And, and I'm thinking, y'all need to go put on your swimsuits. And my husband's dying laughing. But I watched that video a few years ago. And I just hear their squeals and their giggles.

And I'm looking at it. I'm like, gosh, we had fun. You know, like, we had fun.

They had a great childhood. And I totally missed the joy of that day, because I was so irritated that it was not playing out the way I wanted. So let me go back to that question, though. How do you choose joy? How do you, if you were to rewind that videotape, how would you have lived that differently that day?

I think I would have told myself, you know what, just go with it. You know that these are kids and thank God that they are having a childhood that they are getting to experience the magic of childhood because it will sure enough, you know, there'll be moments when this is not the case, the culture that they're in. But just knowing that it's temporary and that, you know, one day I'm going to miss this and it's not playing out the way that I want, but I'm not going to let that steal my joy. And for me, I have to remind myself that, you know, God is found in the present. And so many times we miss him because we're looking at the past or we're looking at the future.

We want them to be easier. We think our life will be better in the future or we're dwelling in regret or something from the past. And we're just not enjoying that present grace. And it could be a terrible day. Like I've had so many terrible days, but then I'm driving home and I see this rainbow, you know, and I'm like, thank you, God.

Like you knew I would be at this red light and that I would look up and see this rainbow. And that was exactly what my heart needed today. Well, some great perspective today for every parent. And we're so glad to have Carrie Campakis with us today on Focus on the Family. A lot of her wisdom and her insights are captured in this book, More Than a Mom, How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You and Your Family Thrive. And we'd encourage you to get a copy of this terrific book from us here at the ministry.

Click the link in the show notes or give us a call. 800 the letter A in the word family. Carrie, there was a Tinder story that you shared that I think really sums up so much of the experience of being a mom and being a daughter, actually. It was that weekend that your mom was struggling, life and death struggle in a hospital. And you had to leave her and go with your daughter to a T. And I think she was in kindergarten.

That had to be what a swirl of emotions describe that day and what you were experiencing. Yeah, that day was a real turning point for me as a mom. It was a few years ago, my mom passed away almost three years ago, but she had this four year illness, and she never walked again.

And this happened at the beginning. It was it was right before Mother's Day. She just we don't know why her her health took a sudden decline, but she was in really bad condition.

Like we thought we were going to lose her. And all I could think was like the irony of losing your mom over Mother's Day weekend. And so she was in the hospital. And I remember being at the hospital on that Friday. I mean, we were all my siblings and I've been crying all week.

My dad looked like he'd aged about 10 years. Like, it was just sad because we thought we were going to lose her. So I'd been at the hospital crying all day.

And my phone, the buzzer went off, the alarm went off. And I realized I had to go to a kindergarten T for my youngest daughter, Camille. And I'm thinking, I do not feel like going to that. You know, and I think so many moms are in that position.

You're just in such a sad situation. But I got to go do this. So I made myself go, of course, I wouldn't miss it. And then I get to the kindergarten classroom. And the scene is completely different than what I just left. It's like I left this place of like, you know, death where people were nearing the end of their journey to this place of life where these kids were just beginning their journey. And it was loud and fun and squeals and laughter. And at first I was like, I don't think I can do this. But then as they started putting on their show, these kids and they're singing for their moms, and they're just smiling and happy. I found myself crying again, only this time it was like tears of joy. And at first I felt guilty. I'm like, how can I be feeling this on a day when my mom is in such a bad position?

And then I remembered like, God is so gracious that he knew I needed this hour of joy on a really sad day. And more than that, you know, I never planned to have four children. I never imagined myself with four children. So when I got pregnant with Camille, it was a hard pregnancy. Like I thought, I can't handle this.

I'm already overwhelmed with three children. So I just found myself thinking like, even when I was pregnant with Camille, and I couldn't see the amazing blessing that she would be, God knew that he would use her on this day. He's used her in so many other ways too. But it just made me give thanks for his goodness. Like you knew that this child, I didn't have the foresight to pray for, but thank you God that she's part of our family, that on this day in particular, you would really use her to restore my heart.

Absolutely. And the poetry of the day on Mother's Day and your mom dying, you know, in that hospital eventually, and then going to the party, right? I mean, what what an array of emotion for you.

But you said it changed your life. How specifically toward your daughters, thinking about the future, you know, that's a place you may be someday, right? That you will be?

Yes, exactly. And it's just really, I think that was the beginning of this journey where I'm just at the age where I call the 40s big league stress, you know, like your people are going through major things, whether it's, you know, death, divorce, financial loss, wayward children, like so many things that can leave us just in a place of despair. And I find myself so often, like, you've got to fight for your joy. And it might be that moment of joy, but you've got to fight for those moments and say, so many things are wrong right now.

But this is right. And I'm going to thank God that this is right for today. But I think of the movie still magnolias, which is one of my favorite movies, but in it, you know, the woman, one of the main characters, her daughter has died, and her friends are consoling her and it's Dolly Parton's character. And she says, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. And I think, you know, God gives us that gift of laughter, and he gives us those moments of joy. And sometimes that's what restores our hope, and keeps us going and moving forward. And I'm not saying we don't need to feel the pain and mourn and grieve, but also do it as people of hope, as the Bible tells us.

That's a good reminder. Describe the spiritual battle you want moms to prepare for. And how do they prepare?

I mean, it sounds like you're in a boot camp. All right, girls, here's what's going to happen. But what does that spiritual battle look like?

And what do women, moms particularly need to prepare for? Yeah, I think moms just need to know that, you know, we live in a world of good versus evil. And what God wants, we have an enemy who wants the exact opposite.

And I often think the Greek word for devil is diablos, and it means the one who divides. And my husband and I have even talked about this in our marriage, that sometimes when we're like irritated with each other, having that thought process that's taking you in a negative place, we have to tell ourselves that's the devil getting to us, to really fight. And so I think that, as moms, to know that it doesn't matter if you're just walking one step ahead of your child in faith, that you can be a powerful prayer warrior for your child, and for yourself too. And to know that it is a battle, and we know that God's going to win this battle of good versus evil. He's going to come out on top, and that through Jesus we are conquerors.

But it doesn't always look pretty in the process. And just know that, you know, sometimes we're barely hanging on, but we're still in the fight. And just to keep going, and like you said, surround yourself with Godly people, people who lift you up, who give you that glimpse of joy on a really hard day, just remind you that God is present.

And just praying for the Holy Spirit and the help of the Holy Spirit to get through these battles that we're fighting. You know Carrie, moms can, they can just carry so much inside that is never really revealed. You know, they're just carrying all these burdens for their children, for their marital relationship. Then you have single moms who, you know, that has blown up, and they're trying to carry the load, be mom and dad for their children.

And it's just such a variety of things that are occurring for that woman. You encourage women not to feel like victims, and that's a very easy place for people to go, men and women, you know. But we're talking about women today, but the one who doesn't have the marriage she thought she would have, and therefore her parenting is more difficult. And now I've become a victim of my bad marriage because I'm having to carry the load of so much.

My husband's disconnected, he's not engaged with the kids, and that may all be true. How do you encourage a woman not to be a victim, and what power is there in that? You know, I think the power for me, what I'm so aware of, especially the ages that my girls are now, they're teenagers. And when my mom passed away, I had so many memories from my teenage years and my early 20s, like that was the flood.

And I think it's because one, you're present with them still a lot. And also you're in a place mentally where you're really taking it in. So when I'm going through a challenge or a hard time, I'm so mindful of like, okay, this is hard, but I'm creating a blueprint for my daughters to follow. And we have no idea, like our poor children and our grandchildren, like they're facing way bigger challenges than what we've faced in our life.

And so we're really preparing them for that. I think as we look at our challenges are like, okay, what do I want to model for my child? And I'm not saying don't show them that like, I'm stressed today, I'm anxious, but you know, but really modeling for them what we hope that they will do in their life, because they're going to have challenges too. And the way that we are coping with ours today sets a blueprint for that. And you know, I think it's so important because working with teenagers like they just see perfection all around them. And I think that's the source of a lot of discontent and anxiety is I think their life is supposed to be perfect, or they're supposed to be perfect.

And it's just not that way. And so it's like setting that example of like, okay, this is not a perfect situation, but we're going to do the best we can given these circumstances, and trusting God to work with that. And I mean, I think so many people you meet that they are passionate about something, it's usually because of a void in their life. So say you're worried your child has grown up without a father, and it's so hard, and it's not the way God designed it to be. But God can still use that void in their life.

You know, if you're faithful, and you're teaching your child to be faithful, like, who knows that they might grow up and do something good with that. And they might create a ministry or do work that's related to that void in their life. And it's bringing purpose out of their pain.

Yeah, that's so good. I think, too, I think that idea of not becoming a victim is so powerful. Because as Christians, we're victim to no one, right? We're salvation in Christ.

And Christ is is everything for us and covers everything. So that joy should come a little easier. Carrie, this has been so good. Thank you for being here today and talking to moms about the important things in life.

Let me ask you this last question. Okay, when your daughters are 40 and 50 something, whether you're here in heaven, what do you want them to say about you? First thing I want them to say is she tried.

She tried hard. She tried knowing what she knew at the time she gave her best and she loved us. I just want them to have no doubt that I love them. And I would sacrifice my life for them and that they were worth that. And I hope that that's what they will do for their children too.

Yeah, what a great model that is. Thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for having me.

I love being with y'all. And like always, man, we are just scratching the surface of this great resource more than a mom. And we want to get it into your hands. So if you can make a gift to focus on the family monthly or one time gift, we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you. If you're that mom that is not in a good financial place, we want to get this resource to you. So just call us and we will get it in your hands and trust that others will take care of the cost of doing so.

That's what ministry is all about. So thank you for wanting to be that mom that you can be and for strengthening your abilities by getting a copy of Kerry's book. And we're so grateful to those who can donate to focus on the family. And thank you if you're already part of the support team. And thanks for contacting us to get a copy of this book. And as Jim said, make a donation. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, or you'll find details in the show notes. Coming up tomorrow, Dr. Tony Evans offers advice to single adults who want to get married.

When you are looking forward to something that has not yet happened, then you can miss the now that God has for you. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your marriage can be redeemed, even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope restored marriage intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.