Best of 2022: Understanding the Hot Buttons in Your Marriage

I was really struggling as we walked through the aftermath. It just felt like every day was a struggle. It was hard to breathe sometimes. It was hard to just function day to day. And it was so lonely. When Kari learned of her husband's affair, she felt betrayed by God. She lost hope until she heard a Focus on the Family podcast. The reason why I listened to it over and over again is because it felt like I was sitting down with a friend who was telling me, like, I've been there and it's okay. And you can do this and I promise in the end it's going to be worth it. And it just broke me in a good way.

I'm Jim Daly. Working together we can heal more broken marriages like Kari's and give families hope. Please call 800 the letter A in the word family.

That's 800-AFAMILY. Or donate at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash hope and your gift will be doubled. Our marriages in the church as a result of our knowledge and our relationship with Christ should be materially better, different than those that are not walking with Christ.

Well, having a good marriage is a great goal, but do you sometimes feel like it's difficult to achieve? Well, we have some encouragement for you today on this best of 2022 edition of Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, we have a fascinating message today from Dr. Bob Paul of our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives and his wife Jenny. It was a big hit when we first aired this in March.

So we wanted to bring it back for those of you who may have missed it. Bob and Jenny are going to help us see how hidden issues from our past can sabotage our marriage and why we can often feel like all of our disagreements end up covering the same ground over and over. And they're actually going to dissect one of their recent arguments point by point so you can hear what they were feeling, but not really saying.

Yeah, just like an iceberg, 90% of the problem seems to be under the water line, so to speak. And I love the transparency that we're about to hear. Here now, Bob and Jenny Paul at an event for supporters of Focus on the Family. We are so excited to be here with you guys. We have the opportunity to be part of something miraculous that is happening through Hope Restored, through Focus on the Family every single day. And guys, we get that we would not be able to do this if it wasn't for you.

I hope you know how much we feel your support and your partnership with us. God is using you in amazing ways. And the miracles that we see taking place at Hope Restored every single day are astounding. And you know, the interesting thing we've learned over the years is it's virtually never the people that are the problem. We are led to, by well-meaning people, we are led to pursue ideas and strategies for our relationships that cannot work. And we don't realize that because they've been told to us by people that we've trusted. And we have people coming to us every week with that going on. And we get to unravel that. And many times, there's spiritual issues that are there, and we're mostly working with Christians.

But it's so interesting, I get the opportunity to tell you that a few weeks ago, I was working with a couple. And the guy has known the Lord for many years, known of him. But what he discovered in the intensive, and this isn't that uncommon, was that he actually didn't understand what it meant to have a personal relationship with Christ. And he was there for counseling for his marriage, and he found the Lord. And you got to believe that that's going to make a major difference in his relationship. We have been learning so much about God's design for marriage, and what happens and what it looks like when people get out of line with God.

And I'm working contrary to his design. And they're confused because they don't understand because they're believing and they're pursuing what they've been taught, and they don't understand why it's not working. And as a result of what we've learned and the tools and the techniques that we have, we have to my knowledge the highest success rate in the world working with couples who are in crisis. And we see miracles occurring.

Yeah, give God a hand for that. To date, we've worked with over 9,000 couples from every state in the United States and over 30 foreign countries. And I just sit back in awe. So, these lies have resulted in us. Greg Smalley and I produced a book last year, 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage and The Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free. And the model that has emerged over these years is embedded in this book, and the lies are on the surface, and then we show how the truth actually can be a source of restoration, of healing, of growth, and of discovery. So today, what Jenny and I want to share with you is something that we've realized is actually a way that people get lost and misguided, and it's really common, because what we want to share with you is something we've learned that is underlying all conflicts in marriage. Everybody is dealing with this exact cycle.

The details will be a little different because we're different, and you're different from us. But the cycle itself that is underlying it is true for everybody. When we first discovered this, we didn't know it applied to everybody.

And I'm telling you, when you finally realize you've been led to something, you've been given something that applies to everybody, it's gold. So what we want to do is spend a little bit of time of unpacking that for you and helping you to see, like we've learned, why, when you get into conflict with your spouse, it virtually doesn't matter what you're arguing about, there will be an eerily familiar feeling to it. It's like, wow, we're talking about something different. We're arguing about something different.

Why does it feel so much like the last time? And we want to be able to flesh that out and let you see that. You know, that's because the problem is rarely the problem. Conflict is more than the topic and the process. There's a process going on beneath the surface.

In fact, we kind of like to look at it this way. The issue on top is not the whole issue. And that's the part we see. The part that we see commonly going on between us is only the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more that really matters that's going on below.

So what is going on beneath the surface? We're going to show you, give you kind of a little peek about a conflict. Well, we have lots of conflicts, so we're going to just pick one. Okay, one conflict, and we're going to use that. We're going to start with the above the surface issue, and then we're going to go deeper with it and kind of take you with us. All right, so this issue started because I was playing a game on my phone, and this game happened to have teams, and usually just a person kind of makes up a team and becomes the leader.

It's not like any qualification. So I'm on this team, and as I'm playing on the team, there's 50 people. I notice like 20 of them are not playing. And I'm like, wow, I wonder what's going on. I'm kind of new to this and such, and so I just chatted into the chat box. Hey, you guys, I noticed you weren't playing.

Is there anything I can do? Well, the leader wasn't really happy with that, and she disciplined me in the chat box in front of everyone. Yeah, it was public. And so I was like, oh, wow, I'm not six years old, and I'm not her child. That was really hard. So I just chatted back and said, just encouraging them, no big deal. And she chatted another one back that was even more severe. And I was like, wow, that was painful. So I told Bob, I was like, Bob, man, can you believe what she said?

And so anyway, so Bob did. I see my wife hurting, and she's clearly disturbed by this. So as a normal male, not leaning on any of my knowledge as a therapist, what do you think my response was? Well, I wanted to come up with something to help fix the problem. Now, when I'm in my professional mode, I know better than this, but in that moment, I was just being Bob the husband, and I see my wife hurting. So I thought maybe it would be helpful to help her to think about what might have been going on for this gal, so that she would be able to maybe just not take it so hard and so forth.

And for some reason, it didn't land well. It didn't at all, because it came out like I had said something that was wrong, and she was right in reprimanding me. That's how it came out. And so now notice that we're going to have a conflict based on that belief system that happened between the two of us, but the whole issue started outside of the marriage. Often when conflict happens, it's something that happened with the kids or something in the car or something at work, and then you get home and you start sharing about it, and something below the iceberg system goes on. So we started into an argument, and it kind of looked like this on what we give the couples, the chart. Yes, so what we're going to show you now is what we understand in hindsight was going on below the water line, because obviously there was plenty going on for each of us that we were oblivious to at the moment. So we're going to take you below the water line for Bob and Jenny.

So this is what we call a reactive cycle. And as you can see me at the top there, I've got a series of fears. Now, that's relevant obviously here. We call them buttons, triggers, things that, you know, we've all got them. You cannot survive any length of time in this fallen world without getting stung. Okay, so we all acquire these bruises, these wounds along the way.

And here's some of mine. I hate feeling controlled. I hate feeling helpless and powerless. I hate feeling inadequate, misportrayed, or misunderstood. And I react even in the anticipation of feeling those things. I hate those feelings enough. When the button gets pushed, I will knee-jerk react.

It doesn't take any thought, any deliberation. I will do things like I will complain, get defensive, go into fix-it mode, lecture, and talk about who's right and who's wrong. Now, what I really want, however, is to feel accurately portrayed. I like to feel successful, hate failure. I love feeling an experience of partnership, passion, and want to feel wanted. So that's a little bit about what's going on below the surface for me.

How about for you? I mean, I've got a lot of buttons, but I don't like being controlled, suppressed, invalidated, judged, and ignored. And typically when those get hit, I react sometimes in anger or blame. I might get defensive and explain myself. I might judge or I might go to who's wrong or who did what, you know, right, wrong kind of a thing.

Really, really what I want in the relationship is I want to feel heard and I want support, I want approval to exist, I want value to exist, and I want validation of who I am. So now you know a little bit about us. There's plenty more than that, but we had to condense it to fit it onto our little map here, all right? So this is what happens. So Jenny is reacting, and I see that she's upset. And I feel this in a lot of different ways, but it's always worse if it's any one of the three most significant women in my life, my wife or my two daughters. I don't manage that well. I manage tears.

We have clinics all over the place in my office. I always tell people their tears are welcome, and I really believe that unless it's my wife or my two daughters, and then inside I start freaking out because I love these people and they matter so greatly to me. So I see that and I don't know what to do, and it taps my helpless, powerless button. And I instantly, without even thinking, go into fix-it mode.

Now, here's where it gets weird, and this is what's so bizarre that this happens with couples all the time. When I go into fix-it mode, what happened to you? Well, for me, when he goes into fix-it mode, I feel judged. I feel like he was telling me that I was the one at fault and I had done something. And when I started to react to that and started to talk to him and such, the words that came out were defensive words. I began to explain myself. That's really what being defensive is, is when you just start explaining what you did and such. I didn't really say anything wrong, and she was the one that wrote down those statements and stuff, and I was being really kind on the chat, and I just kind of went into defensive mode. And since I'm trying to be helpful, and clearly it wasn't being perceived as helpful, I feel immediately misunderstood, so my misunderstood button gets pushed, and then I get defensive because I want to explain that, hey, no, no, no, that's not what I meant, which pushed her button. Yeah, so I feel like, well, he's not listening to me, so I feel invalidated. What I just said is completely invalidated. And then I go into explaining who's right and who's wrong, and I'm not talking about the lady on the game. I'm talking about us.

He's wrong and I'm right. Yeah, so you can kind of see how this goes. This is what is so bizarre about this cycle, and I don't know how it gets this way and why it's this way, but I just know it is this way for everybody. And we have couples, and we took it in super slow-mo now, okay?

It really slowed it down. But, guys, honestly, when this gets rolling between couples, it reminds me most of a 4th of July pinwheel. You know, you light the fuse and then all of a sudden they start to go and it's spinning fast and sparks flying, and that's common. Now, sometimes couples are not like this and it becomes like a cold war, and it's quiet, but it's the same cycle underneath it. And it's amazing how that happens.

So what's actually going on, okay? Underlying this, what's really happening is that our brain processes emotional fear in the same way as physical fear. When we feel afraid, it doesn't even matter if something's actually there. The thought of something that worries us triggers the same brain process. It's what we call an amygdala hijack.

The amygdala is a gland in your brain, and when it gets triggered, it sends a message out that releases hormones like adrenaline and so forth that readies us into our fight-or-flight mode, okay? And really what happens is there's an amazing shift in blood flow. Any guess where the blood flows to? If you're going to go into fight-or-flight mode, it goes to your arms and your legs to get you ready to fight or flee.

Where does it go from? Your brain. It leaves your brain to go to your extremities. You are physiologically handicapped to think clearly in that moment.

There is no way that you can think clearly when the blood has left your brain, okay? And emotional intelligence goes out the window. So what's actually going on then with these buttons? Yeah, what is it that's getting set off in you? And basically buttons are past wounds that we can have new buttons develop as we grow, but typically we bring most of our buttons with us into the relationship.

I came with a pack of them to our marriage. Me too. So it's those past wounds that we feel when someone bumps into them and when they talk to us or something that they may do. It's kind of like if Bob had a bruise on his arm and then I walked by him and I happened to hit the bruise. Now he might say to me, Jenny, Colleen, that hurt.

Don't do that. I feel the pain and I'm going, ouch, you hurt me. That's immediately with a cause and effect, right? But what's the truth? Did she hurt me? No, she just bumped my bruise. The wound was already there. She tapped it and sure, there is a bit of a cause and effect, but the magnitude of what I feel is greater because there was a pre-existing wound and most of the buttons that you possess, you brought with you to the party and they get tapped regularly by your spouse. And do you have any guess who is more skilled at pushing my buttons than anybody on the planet?

I'll give you a hint. Now, why do you think that is? Because she wants to hurt me?

No, the truth is because nobody is closer. I don't let anybody get even close to the control panel, and she's so good at it, she frequently doesn't just push a button. She just leans on the whole control panel, all the buttons depressed simultaneously, and my head just spins in place. But it's because she's got access to it, and same thing with her. I have access because she lets me close to those tender, vulnerable spots in a way that nobody else on the planet does. So because buttons are our wounds, we actually become afraid of having those pushed. For instance, mine are that I'm afraid. I kind of protect and I get afraid of being controlled. I might be afraid or have a tender kind of heart for being supported. I might, you know, with approval and valued and validation.

So those are kind of tender spots for me among other ones. So what we think, though, is that, like Bob said, is that he pushed my button, and so then I have this external reaction, the above-water stuff that goes on, and start blaming him for pushing my button. But what we try to tell couples is that instead of blaming your spouse is that you actually can feel a button go off. It actually kind of makes your... You might get like a feeling across your brow or palpitations in your heart, or you get a flushed feeling about you, or you get upset and kind of you feel that energy of anger coming on you. So when you feel that, you can actually go to the Lord instead and say, oh, my button just got pushed.

I'm going to take some time and talk to God about this. Yeah, so what we teach in the intensive, obviously, understanding the reactive cycle doesn't actually take you to a better place. But it does help people to identify what's going on so that this unconscious reactive spin can be turned into something conscious. And once you're aware, like Jenny just said, you go, whoo-wee, I am triggered, I am stirred up. And we ask clients all the time to say, okay, what happens in your body that's the tip-off that you had a button pushed?

How do you know? And it's a little different for everybody. We literally go from client to client when we're in a group and say, so what physiologically happens for you? Because it's like the red light flashing on the dashboard, and you say, whoa, I am stirred up. And then you wake up and you become conscious. And then what we want people to see is what the options are different than just continually reacting in the unconscious spin.

What alternatives do you have that you could do that would be more righteous, more loving, more caring, more true to who God created you to be more Christlike? So this is just something to wake people up to what's happening below the waterline so it opens up an array of possibilities and alternatives to be more righteous and to create a better, more satisfying relationship. So when our button gets pushed, a lot of times what we're feeling inside of us is what we really want also at the same time.

Oh, I wish we had this in our marriage. My list of wants are that I want to be heard, supported, approved, valued, and validation and typically I have like three pages of wants, okay? But what we have come to find out that what your wants are are those things that God has given you that you are passionate about. So it is not the responsibility of someone else to give you your wants. Instead, we can get to know our wants, find out what God has given us that we are passionate about, grow those in the Lord, and then bring those into our relationship, our family, our community, and our world. That's what our wants are.

I know it's really, really hard to not try to get your wants met from your spouse or even your kids and your friends, but it is very, very valuable. And to just reiterate what Jenny's saying, I think it's so powerful and we didn't realize this at first. A lot of these things we've just stumbled onto we've had these divine inspirational moments where we realized that we just tapped into something that's true to God's heart and God's design. And what Jenny is saying that I think is so worth repeating is that the things that are the desires of our heart are longings of ours because they reflect something that God created in us. The fact that she wants to be heard is because she values being heard so she is a person who naturally listens really carefully to people because that's a reflection of who God created her to be. She wants to feel supported and she is very supportive of others.

She wants to feel approved and it's amazing how much affirmation and approval Jenny is capable of giving to people because that's reflective of who she is, not just what she wants from me and from others. I actually, when I learned this, I actually was not good at hearing others. I was really good at talking. And when the Lord really revealed this to me and he showed me that he's really good at listening because when we pray, how much of the conversation in prayer is us talking to him? Yeah, so we don't do a real good job of listening to the Lord and he's a really good listener to us and he said, I want you to become a really good listener.

And when I did, I felt so more balanced because I wanted to be heard and now I was spending time learning how to hear others and it was really a passion of mine that I had not cultivated and so that's another thing that we do is we really encourage people to cultivate their wants. So for over 22 years, we have been learning now so many things about God's design for life, God's design for marriage, what works and what doesn't. And what we've realized is that it doesn't just work for couples in crisis. It actually works, these ideas, these principles, these tools work every bit as well and maybe better for couples who are just doing good and want to do better for the average couple out there.

So what we've been doing now for years is trying to figure out ways to package this information in books and in events and so forth to get the word out to the masses because guys, this is kingdom work. What we need more than anything is for the church to demonstrate that what we claim to be true about a relationship with Jesus Christ is not just true in theory but it is true in real time because our marriages in the church as a result of our knowledge and our relationship with Christ should be materially better, different than those that are not walking with Christ. Dr. Bob Paul of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute and our Hope Restored Intensives on today's episode of Focus on the Family. I really appreciate the transparency Bob and Jenny shared in this message and I hope you found some insights for your own marriage. And let me remind you that Focus on the Family is here to bring hope and healing to your marriage.

So please reach out to us if you need help. Here's one success story we received from a listener named Nicole. She said, you all saved my marriage.

I literally had no one to turn to and little by little Focus on the Family helped me repair myself emotionally and spiritually and then I was able to help my husband make some significant changes. We are still a work in progress in Christ but we are so grateful for your ministry. And let me just say we are thankful to the Lord and those of you who support the ministry for bringing hope to Nicole's marriage. And as we approach the end of the year, can I humbly ask you to donate to Focus on the Family? We are listener supported and we rely on your gifts to continue our efforts to strengthen and literally save marriages, encourage parents and protect the preborn child. And if you can make a generous donation of any amount, we have a great follow-up resource for you.

It's a book written by Bob Paul and Greg Smalley called Nine Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage and the truths that will save it and set it free. And when you get the book from us, we'll also include a free audio download of Bob and Jenny's entire presentation. And right now, special friends are offering to match your donation so that it'll have twice the impact. Get in touch with us today and let's do ministry together.

Yeah, follow the link in the show notes to donate and request your book or call us for details. 800, the letter A and the word family. And when you're online with us, be sure to check out our free marriage assessment.

More than a million people have taken it. It's a quick quiz to give you some ideas about the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Next time, Dr. Gary Chapman will help you understand the importance of speaking your child's love language. I've sometimes said in every child, there's an emotional love tank. And if the love tank is full, the child grows up emotionally healthy.

If the love tank is empty and the child feels like they don't love me. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us for this Focus on the Family podcast. Take a moment, please, and rate us in your podcast app and share this episode with a friend who might need this kind of encouragement for their marriage. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Oh, hey, Mike, got here as soon as I could.

What's going on, man? Hey, I just wanted to give you an update on my marriage. Is it good news? Yeah, our marriage is going great right now. I couldn't be happier. Dude, that's awesome.

Yeah, it's like a solid five out of ten. Having a marriage that's just okay isn't where couples really want to live. Give yourself and your spouse an all-inclusive weekend where you'll slow your pace and focus on each other. Get more details at focusonthefamily.com slash getaway. That's focusonthefamily.com slash getaway.