Celebrating the Bodies God Gave Us

Your son's more than handsome. He does need to hear that he's handsome. Mom and Dad need to tell him. But think of all of the other ways. You're so creative, you're so empathetic, but you're so thoughtful, like things that they actually do.

Let's pick some way better adjectives. That's Justin Holcomb, and he and his wife, Lindsey, joined us today on Focus on the Family. Thank you for being part of the program.

Your host is Focus President and author, Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, you know, children today, they're just deluged with criticism, I think. You look at the way that, in elementary school even, how kids start ridiculing each other, teasing each other, etc. And some of that, I think, is put under the old bucket of just, that's the way it is, that's how kids treat each other.

But, we have to remember, it doesn't end anymore when school ends, because of social media. That ridicule, that embarrassment just keeps coming if you're one of those kids that maybe doesn't have what it takes at that age, whatever that might be. I remember for me, in junior high, I remember I just had freckles on the back of my legs, and going to swim class was so embarrassing to me, because everybody would point it out. Look at his freckles!

I don't know why that should be a problem, but I think being Irish, that's kind of normal. But those are the kinds of things that kids need to be equipped to deal with today, and we're going to talk about how to help your children be better equipped to know that they're made in the image of God. Yeah, and Justin and Lindsay Holcomb will offer some great insights for parents. Justin is a minister and professor of theology at Reformed Theological Seminary and Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. Lindsay is an advocate for survivors of abuse. She works in a nonprofit development role and co-founded REST, which stands for Real Escape From The Sex Trade. Justin and Lindsay have two daughters, and together they've authored this wonderful children's book that we'll be talking a little bit about today called God Made Me In His Image, Helping Children Appreciate Their Bodies. And you can find out more at our website. The link is in the show notes, or give us a call.

800-A-Family. Justin and Lindsay, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Good to have you. Thank you. Thank you for the invitation back.

It's always good to be here with you all. Alright, so like I set the program up there a moment ago, I think with junior high and high school particularly, we're kind of acclimated to the fact that this can be tough years with a lot of ridicule about your body type and body image issues. Your point is, it's happening at younger and younger ages. So describe how this is becoming more of an issue for children in elementary school. Well, first, I love the fact that you started out with a boy story, because most people think this is a girl's issue type of thing.

You want more? That's the thing. All people could be telling stories like that because we all have that experience, all of us do. And it does start at a very early age. So the number one concern for six to eight year olds is body image. At least half of children... That is so sad to hear that. Yes. Six to eight.

I wasn't even thinking about that really. That's kindergarten, first, second, they're little. So what's contributing to that? Why are children now more aware of their body image than 20 years ago? One of the things that we have found in the research and just conversations we've had with parents is a lot of it goes back to their moms, how the mothers talk about their own body image and their own concerns. And children are so, they are just observed, the children are observing everything that their parents say, and they're soaking it all in like sponges. So if they hear their mom talking about certain insecurities when it comes to their body, then it makes them question, I wonder what's wrong with me? Even at a young age of kindergarten, first, second, third grade, some of the research is showing that girls and boys are very concerned about their body image. It can happen so early, approximately 80% of all 10 year old girls have dieted at least once. That's amazing. And 10 years of age, that's fourth grade. That's heartbreaking. That really is sad. And that's perhaps the most shocking thing is, you know, we used to talk about airbrushing the models, the whole thing like that, but now that boys and girls in elementary school are experiencing these kinds of comparisons, you actually noticed it in your two girls. Right, Lindsey?

I mean, you have younger kids, 11 and 13. And they were, how did they respond to this? And did you wake up at one point and go, oh, we've got to stop saying this or that?

Or did you self correct or hear yourself saying some things that caught your attention? That's a good question. Well, actually, they would come home from school kind of telling us, you know, because they they're more petite on the petite side, just come from Justin. Short, short. Justin's mom is short. Is this for short? My mom is short.

I am on the shorter side. And so they would come home and share with us at dinner, you know, so and so called me short. And this would be in fifth grade.

And it just would be ongoing. And so we would just enter into that conversation with them of just how does that make you feel? Kind of where do you think that's coming from? How can we frame and shift your thinking about how you're made in the image of God? And how does that counteract what this child's saying to you? But also, I think what we have found is any part of a child's body is up for scrutiny. And so how can we as parents, how can we come alongside them and give them tools to think through these harmful, hurtful things that they're hearing? Because they're going to hear things about their body. They're going to hear things about other people, whether it's through like Justin listed TV, music, social media. But parents, we need to be on the on the front end of this and giving them context how to think through this as a Christian.

Let me ask you and get into it to equip the parents. Really, what's the fundamental truth from scripture to teach kids about their body image? How do we get that out of scripture? God made you in his image and humans made in the image of God. There's nothing in all creation that reflects God better than a human who is in the image of God. And there's inherent worth in that and God made you on purpose the way you are and he wants you in his world. Like that's a message that undermines that silly cultural. You're not measuring up as your creator is bestowing to you your identity. Right.

And that's a big bucket. I mean, when you get down to the expression of that in humanity, you have tall people, short people, big people, small people, everything we're talking about, freckles, you know. So what does that mean? You know, really, applicably to be made in God's image.

What are the nitty gritty nuts and bolts of that? Well, you're gifting how you're gifting God. So in Genesis, God said, here's a garden and I want you to cultivate this garden. There's things for you to do.

Multiply and have dominion. And that's the gift in the idea of being the image of God. I mean, the idea comes from the ancient Near East because I am a seminary professor and this made it into this book. This is good.

I know where we're going. You got to teach the kids because it's all based on the doctrine of creation. There was nothing. And God wanted something to exist. And he really wanted humans to exist because when he talks about creating things on day one, two, three, four, it's good.

Get the humans. It's good, good. Tov Tov in Hebrew. And what happened is Moses, writing Genesis, looked around and saw all these kings who would erect statues about themselves to honor themselves and set up their statues all around their kingdom. So Moses, inspired by God, says that's what image of God looks like. God is setting up images of himself all around because God wants more images to fill the earth and glorify him. And this is a picture that this is God's world. And so here's a garden.

Cultivate it. And so what it means is that the multiethnic multitude that you see in Daniel and in Revelation 5 about people from different tongues, languages, tribes and nations glorifying God. That's the fulfillment of the original call from being the image of God.

I'll bring that down to the that's helpful to see because then children start seeing all the diversity and difference and go, wait a second, taller, shorter, slender, larger, different colored skin, freckles, all of that. And I guess that's the human thing, though. We get locked into this is the image of God. Yes. Rather than the variety of God's image in people.

Right. I mean, think about it. Skin color.

It's such a ridiculous thing. Meaning, why does that define so much of our interaction between races, et cetera? Because it's just pigmentation.

Right. In every culture, every culture has something about a sliding scale on how light or dark one's skin is. You know, every so we've been in Africa a few times. And the way people would talk about darker colored skin versus lighter colored black skin is so every culture has that. Do you think that's rooted in our sin nature that the that we pounce on differences rather than embrace differences that are irrelevant really to our humanity? So, yeah, when you have when you have the good creation set up and you have sin invading and vandalizing the piece of the garden, what you end up seeing is is people become inward turned and inward focused. We were created to worship God and to love our neighbor. And as soon as sin enters the world, you have people doing bad worship, you know, can't enable.

And then you have exploiting of other people. So what I think happens is that we have this curved inward nature where we focus on ourselves and there's actually a sociological principle called the homogeneous unit principle. All that means is people like to be around people who are like them. And you start seeing that in churches and cultures and neighborhoods. But that is that's a whittling down of the wonderful scope of possibilities of reflections of the image of God to well, people who are 48 white men are the people who I'm most comfortable with.

And so I think that's part of the problem is that sin ends up getting our focus back on ourselves and not the original plan that God had for his good creation. Let's stick with culture for just a minute. How has our culture made it easier for kids to, let's talk about exclude one another? How does the culture feed into that? When you have a celebrity culture, which we're in the throes of, and I'm shaped by it too.

That's the thing. It's not just the children, but I start paying attention to who the famous people are and what they look like. I have that voice in my head that says, well, you're not so-and-so and you don't step up to that standard. So when you have a celebrity culture that celebrates peripheral secondary things that are not really that important, wealth, airbrush, good looks, and letting people get shaped without calling that out.

That's the thing that the most powerful thing a parent can do, I think, is stop the movie and go, hold on, let's talk about this. Let's pull the rug out from underneath the lie of what our culture is telling you about your worth. That's the opposite. You're not worthy because you did this, looked like this, said this, didn't say this.

You're worthy because of who you are and who God made you to be. And so I think finding those moments to point out the lie that's whispering in our children's ears, and then, which is what Lindsay's so good at, is pointing out where we're vulnerable. She'll frequently remind the girls, hey, you know, we weren't always successful. This took decades to get to in the sense of being comfortable with our own vulnerability and talking about putting, showing them what it looks like to say the truth about ourselves, where we feel insecure, weak to each other and to the girls. Right.

Yeah. Thinking biblically and critically about what's going on in the culture and what our children are experiencing regarding body image. That's our topic today on Focus on the Family with Justin and Lindsay Holcomb. They've written a children's book that is a really great primary that it'll open up some doors of conversation for you and your child. It's called God Made Me in His Image, Helping Children Appreciate Their Bodies. And we'd love to send a copy of that to you.

Just get in touch with us. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, and the link is in the show notes. Lindsay, let me pick up on that because it's touching this issue of empathy and in preparation for the show, I was doing some research and I think it was University of Michigan analyzed from 2010, did some research and analyzed the results. They found a 40 percent decline in college students ability to empathize and they were saying it was directly related to technology that we've kind of become course because because social media, we're just constantly ridiculing each other. And it just kind of deadened that ability to have empathy for others. That's a very concerning issue, isn't it? That is.

That's a sad, sad number. But that does make sense because the more time you're on your screen, whether that's texting or on social media, the less you are engaging just in conversation and learning how to have those social skills. Another thing that parents can equip their children with, how do you even engage technology in a way that you can be empathetic and encouraging? But going back to those basic skills of how to have conversations. But like I go back to kids are watching, I was even shocked when I see some of my adult friends, the things that they will post on Facebook and they feel so brazen to post a comment that is hurtful that whether it's to like a certain people group or a political group.

And I'm like, goodness, you would never say this to someone's face. But the kids are watching that, they're reading it, they're hearing about it and going back to parents setting good examples, not criticizing other people or bodies, if we go back to the body example, if children see their parents judging other people based on appearance or thoughts or lifestyle, then they are going to pick up on those things as well. How can we as parents teach our children to think critically, but also compassionately as Christians, as children of God? Give us an example that really helps because sometimes we're kind of deaf and blind to this too, because we're just moving through the day. As parents, we may not even know how we are expressing that. Absolutely.

Let's go back. Adjectives is what gets my attention because this has been something that has annoyed me, is watching online, but also just watching in conversations. I started noticing in a span of a week as I'm scrolling through social media, comments about boys and girls. Oh, my daughter, she's so beautiful. My son is so handsome.

He's a stud, lady killer. I mean, just things I'm thinking, what are you saying? First of all, you look ridiculous about saying this just about your kid. But the fact that that's what their children are seeing, that's what's being prioritized. And I just asked everyone, I was like, can we please find different adjectives?

Please. Because my daughter, one of the most powerful things I can do for my daughters in a culture that's going to make them feel ugly, short, big eyebrows, whatever. I mean, the culture and their friends are going to bestow to them an identity. One of the most powerful things as dad with my dad voice is look at them and say, you're beautiful. They need to have a category of a dad saying that to them. But if all I'm saying to my daughters is you're beautiful, I'm making that their worth. The way they get my attention is by being beautiful. And so I started at an early age going through and I was like, and this is from Lindsay going, that's great, but they're also beautiful, sweet, smart and strong. So you're so strong.

So trying to find other ways. You're adventurous. You're courageous. Your son's more than handsome. He does need to hear that he's handsome.

Mom and dad need to tell him. But think of all of the other ways. You're so creative. You're so empathetic.

You're so thoughtful, like things that they actually do. Let's pick some way better adjectives. And maybe the reason that we're picking the adjectives that we're picking is because maybe I'm secure about how I look. Maybe I don't like my receding hairline and my big eyebrows or my gray beard.

Maybe that's infiltrating. Maybe some self-awareness on the parents side would be really helpful for their parents, for their kids. Justin, I was going to ask you about that. I'm thinking that maybe these conversations don't happen with our children because I don't feel so good about myself. And so how can I possibly help them feel good about themselves? So is it my own insecurities that prevents me from choosing the different adjectives?

I'll go do some research on this at some point. But that looks, anecdotally, that looks to be what's happening is that, unfortunately, there are children who are being parented by people who have a certain limp. And I have compassion for this. It's not frustration or anger. I mean, I said annoyance earlier on about the parents and adjectives. But I have compassion for that, that a parent is trying to figure out, like, how do I do this? The culture is telling them they're beautiful. I'm just trying to be a good parent and say they're beautiful. And now I'm messing that up, too. Like, no, I get it.

But because they feel insecure, there was one story that Lindsay and I experienced. It was during the summer and a mom and dad with our kids were out at the pool and the husband complimented his wife and said, oh, it's summertime. It's bathing suit time. Yeah, it was kind of making a joke about, you know, bathing suit time.

I get to see you in a bathing suit. And the mom grabbed her side and grabbed where she thought there were fat rolls that she wasn't happy with in front of her children and our children and said, oh, you think these fat rolls are attractive? And just did that. I thought, oh, there's a voice in her head that's really powerful for her to think as a go-to impulse to do that in front of her husband who just complimented her and in front of her children and in front of our children. Like, we addressed it pretty quickly. We were like, hold on a second here. We pulled the girls aside and had to talk about that.

But there's something going on. Either she's feeling burdened from the culture. Maybe she wasn't complimented as a child.

Maybe she experienced some type of abuse where that would be a common way to respond about her own comfort and her own skin. So I do think that one of the most powerful things that parents could do is to address their own sense of their own security and body image. I think that'll go a long way with parents.

It's so good and so true. And that's what you're trying to do is build up that child's sense of self-worth as well. And that is healthy. You don't want them to be conceited, obviously, or have too much pride.

But to be confident is a good thing. What about those children? They may have physical impairment.

I mean, we're kind of cruising along the way here that we're all prince and princesses, you know, fully capable of things. There are parents who have children that, you know, they don't walk the same. They don't talk the same.

They don't look the same. How does that parent provide that child with the hope that they are too made in God's image and they need to be confident in that? Well, I think two things. One, if you're the parent of a child with a physical disability, you have such a role to play of reminding him or her that those physical impairments do not negate their worth as a child of God. And so walking them through that is an image bearer. It doesn't diminish any of the other qualities God has given them.

And so that's one part. But then the second part is a parent who has a child who doesn't have a physical impairment. You have an even greater role to guide and instruct your children to see others with compassion, like you were talking earlier with empathy. How can you really train up your kids? Hey, when you see someone with a physical disability or with a mental disability, how can you engage with them?

What are some things you can do? Go up and say hi, go up and, you know, ask them questions and kind of you can practice that a little bit so they're not pointing or what's that. But really on the front end, get ahead of it and explain to them you might see some children that have trouble walking or in a wheelchair or maybe have trouble with loud noises. We're going to see a lot more children as we already are just with symptoms of autism, you know, and the spectrum is wide. But really helping our kids to understand how to engage with that rather than pointing, but really reminding them they are made in the image of God. They are an image bearer. They have inherent worth no matter their disability. They are not an accident, an oops. You know, they are just as important with so many qualities.

Yeah, it's really good. At the very end here, I do want to discuss bullying because that seems to be a, you know, really horrific situation for some kids. That's something with my boys. I would ask them frequently. I think Gene would even say, man, you maybe ask him too often. But I wanted to make sure they were in a good place. I guess that's a better criticism that we never talked to them about it.

So I would every two, three weeks. Are you guys doing okay? You know, are you getting bullied? Are you bullying anybody? I put it both directions. And, you know, I think they did well.

They never said that they were or that they had. And so I think that's a good thing. But how would you recommend a parent engage their children with the issue of bullying either as the recipient or the giver? Absolutely. Well, I think you're checking in is spot on. Like you did it perfectly.

I don't know about that, but consistently. I think consistently checking in, you know, asking who did you eat lunch with today? Who are you hanging out with?

Get to know their friends. You know, invite them over. But checking in on both ends, like, you know, are you making anyone feel excluded?

Are you leaving anyone out? Ask them, you know, who seems to be kind of on their own. And then that kind of gives you a gauge of some people in there. Just so you have a pulse kind of on the situation at school. But if your child comes to you and says, I'm being bullied.

Definitely. I would encourage parents take it seriously. Like, don't just, oh, it's just a phase or, you know, you'll get stronger. Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

Don't do that. There's a couple of things we would encourage parents to focus with their children on. Of course, let's talk about your worth. Let's go back to the basics. What we've been talking about.

Whose child are you? Where, you know, kind of get your foundation set. You're made in the image of God, reminding them of the positive attributes that they have. So that's a great place to start. Then also make a plan.

You know, let's talk about a good plan. Like, who are some people you can seek out that you think are safe and kind? Whether that's teachers or other students. Who can we go and talk to? Because you want your child to feel like you're advocating for them and you're hearing them and not just passing this off. You know, what are some things your child can do, especially if they're at a certain age?

How can they advocate for themselves while you also come alongside them? So I would say, you know, middle school and high school, like, okay, who can you seek out as a teacher to go and talk to? You know, in our school, it's copy me on the email as a parent. Just that's our safety protocol at the school. But let's go and talk to the headmaster. Let's go and talk to the principal together. Let's make a plan so that your child knows this is serious. This isn't something that my parent is just going to pass off because I think what happens so often when we don't talk about things, our kids feel like, well, they don't get it or it's a nuisance to them or they won't understand.

So I'm not going to bring it up. So if you're showing your kid, yes, I do think this is serious. I'm concerned. You know, I want better and better options for you. Let's think through this and make a plan of what can be practical. The advocating is what stood out to me from learning of watching Lindsay with the girls. I would want to get in there and protect, kind of do my thing and, you know, who's going to like, I'll step in. But what she did was she would advocate, but she would empower them to find their voice, to figure out how they're going to talk about it with their teacher and then be looped in.

It wasn't all or nothing. And that's what was really fun to watch is thinking, well, yeah, this is how you disciple your children and to imparent them into actually finding their own voice. And my way would have been really strong on the advocating, but not in the empowering. But I think across the board, something that we have noticed anecdotally is we we encourage other parents connected to our children and in our church. Advocate for them.

Take this seriously. That's what's heartbreaking is going. Some we know what another child just said to your child and how devastating that looked.

Please advocate for your child. They need you and not to dismiss it to, hey, this is just what kids do. This is part of growing up. It'll it'll toughen them up a little bit.

Sure. Life is going to toughen them up. Let's got a lot of toughening up moments.

What they need at that point. I mean, we had one story where there was a racist comment said to a child and our daughter, because she already had her voice, knew how to respond. That was amazing. Like watching her in the moment respond appropriately because she saw someone else's nervous laughter. She said, Dad, what she was laughing, but they were saying really mean things. What do you think?

I said, what do you think? She said it looked nervous. It looked like she was trying to hide something. I thought she sees it like that's the empathy that that they learn primarily from their mom. Just really diving in, being really gifted in that way.

Yeah. And I think that's that's when, you know, you've actually hit the mark as a parent when your kids can express that empathy, engage in those conversations. And those are really good moments. And you go, OK, my kid's heart leans in the right direction. Doesn't mean it's perfect, you know, that they're always going to make the right decision. But when you see them having empathy for their friends or for people that are being ridiculed or shamed, that's a good moment.

Man, this has been terrific. And again, the book God Made Me in His Image, Helping Children Appreciate Their Bodies, really aimed at two to 10 year olds. It sets the foundation for your children to better understand what God intended for us in this life and equips them to do better in their relationships in elementary school and junior high, high school, home school. It doesn't matter.

It just helps them to do better. Thanks for being with us today. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having us on. Thank you. And thank you for the questions, but also the heartbeat of you all drill down to it's nice because it's not just the stats and the scary stuff, but getting down to the heart of the children and the parents makes it a lot more fun to have that conversation.

But I hope people will engage. And if you can order a copy from Focus on the Family, remember, we're not paying shareholders. All that goes right back into ministry, which is great. And if you can make a monthly gift, that's wonderful. It helps keep the budget steady or one time gift is fine. But if you make either of those, we'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for joining us in ministry.

Yeah. Donate today to get a copy of this great book, God Made Me in His Image. It'll further your conversations with your kids. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family or click the link in the show notes. And while you're online, be sure to take a few minutes and fill out our free parenting assessment. We'll link over to the Web site for that. It is a really helpful little tool to equip you with knowledge of where you're strong in your parenting and maybe in the area or two of growth.

Very practical. And we'll send follow up articles and resources to help you grow as a mom or a dad. Again, that link for our parenting assessment is on the Web site. And next time, Dr. Gary Chapman explains why forgiveness is essential for having a good relationship. We don't have to be perfect to have good marriages. We do have to deal with our failure.

We do have to keep the walls torn down. That's next time on Focus on the Family with Jim Dealy. On behalf of Jim and the team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family.

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