Saying the Right Thing When Your Child Misbehaves (Part 1 of 2)

And yet every day we wake up and we go at it again and come evening and you're crying about how you were blaming and shaming and negative with them and having a nasty face at them and you're surprised, but you didn't prepare to do it any differently than you did it the day before.

Perhaps you can relate to that scenario from Wendy Speak about how easy it is to get into a cycle of ineffective responses as a parent. She's with us today along with Amber Leah and they'll offer practical advice for what you can do when you have a difficult parenting situation. I'm John Fuller and your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly.

John, I can hear clapping through the radio here. People going, yes, yes, the podcast listeners, we need this kind of practical advice. We're going to tackle a bunch of the big parenting issues that likely face you with your children. Let me just raise a couple of them sibling rivalry. I've got two boys, two years apart. I've never had any sibling rivalry. They always play well together.

Neither of them has ever said, no, daddy, no, no, no. And bedtime battles and so much more. We're going to cover the basics and you're going to want to get a copy of this, I think, for future reference. Here at Focus on the Family, this is why we're here to help you do the best job you can do parenting your kids and aiming them toward a deep relationship with Christ. I mean, that's the goal and that comes through in character and all the good things that we get to do as parents. But sometimes it becomes a bit heavy and we're here for you in that case as well. So sit back and let's get started.

And Jim, you mentioned folks can get this. We are so pleased that they can get the free download at the website focusonthefamily.com slash broadcast. And be sure to get a copy of the book we're going to be talking about today, Parenting Scripts.

When what you're saying isn't working, say something new. I mean, that's really good. I wish it would have been out about 14 years ago. Too late, but maybe for our grandkids. So Amber Leah is married to Guy and they have four boys and Wendy Speak and her husband Matt have three boys.

These families live in the Southern California area and they've been on this broadcast before. Ladies, welcome back to Focus. Thank you. It's a joy to be here.

Yeah, we're excited. I mean, this is the big thing when you're parenting. You know, how to communicate effectively, how to get your points across, get those kids in line and get them moving, right?

Get the rooms cleaned and all those wonderful things. You guys have really struck a chord with moms, whether the issue last time when we had you was on anger, women in anger. And this time with the parenting issues, kind of the basics. But what are you seeing that you're connecting so well with the mother community? Well, I think that we're just I would like to say that we're smart. And so we're talking about things that we perceive. This is your opportunity.

I know. But I think that we're just moms who have truly struggled ourselves. And we have turned with all of our hearts and all of our prayers to the Lord and said, Lord, we want to look more like you in the way we're responding to our children and less like our natural knee jerk responses.

And we can't do that without you. We know that the fruit of your spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. But my parenting doesn't look that like that. I know that you've told me if I abide in you and you abide in me, there will be fruit. So where's the fruit, God? And so we just started pursuing what does it look like to put on the fruit, to keep in step with this fruit of God's spirit in my life? In the parenting role. In the parenting role as he continues to mature me from the inside and the fruit grows up and out and hangs on the laurels of my life.

How can I still start practicing love, joy, peace and all the other fruit? You know, one descriptor you left off, which I think is an important one, too, is the tears that moms cry. Sometimes because of their own guilt. You know, they got angry. Lord help me, why do I get angry at my kids?

Speak to that before we get into the scripting idea, because I think moms carry such a heavy burden. I've seen it in Jean. I mean, it's almost unbearable. Well, you're totally speaking my language because that was me. I would say, you know, before I had kids, there's certain things I'm never going to say to my kids. I love those words, never. And I hear so many other parents say, oh, I'm so mad at myself. I promised myself I wouldn't speak like that to my children. And then we get in the heat of the moment and we just have that knee jerk reaction, that default phrase or thing that we say, the shaming language, whatever it is, that just flows right naturally off of our tongues. And we do feel a lot of guilt and we say, oh, you know, I'm hopeless as a mom. Why do I keep doing that? And I began to realize that as one day led to the next and I kept saying the things I did not want to say, that I didn't have a good plan in place. I just simply didn't translate those verses that Wendy just shared about the fruit of the Spirit.

I wasn't thinking and making a plan. What does putting on self-control for myself look like in the way I respond to my child instead of reacting to them? And I can have hope knowing that God's going to help me. He promises me that fruit. I'm not the worst mom on the planet. I'm a sinner who's struggling. But there's hope for me to change because God is the God of all hope. And so I have the ability by relying on the Lord and asking him to help me. Lord, change this one thing in me, this one thing I'm saying wrong.

Help me make a plan and to say something that honors you and really coaches my child and breathes life into that. And I love that she's saying this one thing because what I say to the woman who's crying is, hey, if you take a moment, I bet you can pinpoint what that trigger is that's bringing you to that place that makes you feel defeated. And you're doing the wrong response. Your face is all screwy and you're exasperated and you're slamming cupboards in the kitchen. And what is it that consistently your kids are doing over and over that always takes you by surprise? Why are you surprised? Always takes you by surprise is the key. Why can't they get their shoes on and get in the car?

Why is he always coming out of bed and I'm exhausted at the end of the day? And if you can pinpoint what it is, you know, one of the things that we shared with you guys last time, based on our book Triggers, which is really about mommy anger, is figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean. So take a look at those times when you're really struggling and say, OK, no, what do I really mean to say? And if I can slow down and sit down, then I can write down a better response. And all of us can do that. And I so appreciate the idea of that thoughtful response.

So let's get to this, the kind of the can do make a change. Yes, you've heard that that quote that says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. That's why being a parent is insane. You might be wonderful at lecturing and every day you do the same old lecture and one day you're just hoping it's going to it's going to click for him. No, you actually let's stop the lecture.

Let's come up with what we really mean to say. And sometimes the script is a consequence. Right. So you've already been lectured about a sibling rivalry.

Let's take that was your first example. So they've heard all the verses about brothers living together in unity. You've gone through all of the Bible studies. Well, you've memorized.

They don't care. Well, that's even worse. This is a pretty classic response by a Christian mom to quote scripture. I know it is. Or maybe to have the children write them out. Yes.

There are multiple times. Yeah. But how can if they already know it? One of the things that Amber and I remind each other because we are friends too.

So I will actually call her and say, I'm struggling with this. I did not know now that they're getting older. So we're always reminding each other, you know, Wendy, you don't need to lecture him. He knows that that's wrong behavior. So let's take it from sibling rivalry. I come in first thing in the morning and they're already swinging, if not with their hands, then with their words.

Right. And my natural tendency, just my natural response is that if they're fighting, I need to fight them to stop fighting. You know, their fight is actually an invitation for me to join them in the fight.

And I had to change my mind. And that's actually one of my scripts when my kids are struggling. I'll tell them, I see that you're struggling. You need to change your mind about how you're going to struggle.

And so I've been using that script on myself. I see Wendy that they're fighting and you want to join them in the fight, you need to change your mind about how you're going to respond to this. So I have started seeing them like they're in a boxing ring and they're swinging at each other. And the coach does not jump into the boxing ring.

The coach stays on the outside of the ring, walks around to their corner and is communicating. I'm in your corner and you're struggling. I'm not struggling because I'm the parent.

I'm the one here to help you through the struggle. So I've had to learn when my kids are having a fight, their sibling rivalry, I stay on the outside of the fight. And I call them to their corner. So I'll say out loud, ding, ding, ding, everybody to your corners. And that's my simple script.

So there's a simple script and then there's a lecture script. So do they go to their corner or do they go, forget it, mom? Well, I had to train them that this is actually what we do.

And they're older now. I have a 14-year-old that when I say everyone to your corners, he goes to his room and he knows this isn't really like, it's not a timeout, it's a gift. You get to go to your room, you can read, you can write, you can play your guitar, you can, kids can do Legos, but you may not fight. And so that's another one of my scripts is you may not fight. Yeah, and that's good.

And I like that. And the concept of the script is think it out ahead of time when your kids fight. And you've listed 30 in this book, which is outstanding.

If you cover 30, you've covered most of the things you're going to encounter. But let me take you to the sibling rivalry script because having two boys, we've had a few of those. And the point is in the training of them, you know, it's great the outcome is there now. You can go ding, ding to your corners and they've learned to go.

But the parent who hasn't done that, it's the training aspect. And I had to take them by the hand and walk them. Right, take them by the hand, walk, okay.

And it's good to start young. And now they come right immediately after I take them right back. And do you need me to sit here with you while you learn to have a break? And I'll tell you why you're having a break. You're going to hurt your brother. You're going to hurt your relationship. And I'm your mom and I'm not going to allow that. I love you too much.

I love him too much. You know, I can think of a couple of times when the kids were younger and they're in a public place and you can't. It's not at home where you can say ding, ding, ding. Let's go to your corner because the corner is the other end of the store. But what do you do in that public environment where so many moms, you know, it's the snares and the growls that you get from the other mothers. But your two kids, maybe three kids are going at it. What can you do in that public place?

I have a couple of suggestions. One, if you can, leave. Yep.

I mean, it's true. If you're out of toilet paper and you're out of milk, I understand you need a person to get it. But really, you can leave.

And what's a better teaching tool to, you know, your veins are bulging and you're, you know, strong holding everybody with your hands and pushing the cart with your hip. And you're just going to make it through and they'll learn the lesson. And then you exploded them in the car or to say this isn't working. And then you get to the car, you drive home.

And oftentimes I remember those times they'd fall asleep almost immediately and they were communicating. I'm not in a place where I can do this. Right. But the second is you don't need to teach your child in the problem what they're doing wrong in the arena. So my script to myself is don't parent in the problem. Save the lesson for later. Get home, get calm and say that did not work.

Let's talk about why it didn't. And maybe again, maybe the script needs to involve a consequence when that happens. Then when we come home, you need to whatever that consequence is going to be in that situation.

If we go for ice cream, if whatever it is, that's good. You won't get it. But you don't need to stronghold them. Push through. Make sure it was the most teachable moment.

You can actually save the lesson for later. Get out of there. And it's really being the adult. I mean, that's what I hear you saying.

I appreciate that. You know, again, we're all emotional creatures. And even we as moms and dads, when we're in that grocery store, we're responding out of our embarrassment now.

That's right. You know, we're lashing back and get in line. What are you doing? Come on, stop that. And it just is this vicious cycle.

So I like the idea. Step back. Don't take the bait. Just be calm. Get to the car.

Then probably fall asleep. And remember the script that you can say to yourself as a parent. Sometimes we need to have our own internal scripts. We write about that in the book, too. And sometimes the internal script that I have in the store when my kids are not behaving is their behavior is not a reflection of me.

It's not a reflection of me. Really? So breathe. No, I'm telling you. I'm just saying.

On behalf of all moms, are you serious? Truly. How do you get there? Truly. It takes a long time. It really does, you know, to get to the point where you can just breathe. I just give myself a moment to catch my own breath. Because it's more embarrassing when you see kids acting out and then you see the parents losing their marbles, too.

That's more embarrassing, right? It's like three kids going at it. Yeah, totally.

And so I saw that so much in myself initially that I thought, you know what? This time it's going to happen. They're going to act out. So when it happens, I am going to be putting on self-control. And I'm going to breathe and I'm going to remember that this is not a reflection of me. They are their own sinful natures.

And what I get to do now is model. You know, all of these parenting scripts really are us modeling for our children how to communicate in a way that honors the Lord and breathes life into others. And they'll be able to use that for every relationship they have moving forward. I so appreciate the perspective that our guests are bringing today to focus on the family. Amber, Leah and Wendy speak thinking about parenting scripts, the title of their book, and being willing to think through and frame things anew so your kids understand what the real issues are and how they can kind of own the outcomes in a way that they aren't presently doing.

And the training aspect is so crucial that you're bringing up. Get a copy of the book or a free download of the conversation at focusonthefamily.com slash broadcast or call us and we'll be happy to tell you more. Eight hundred, the letter A in the word family. All right, let's go to another good one. Disobedience. I said to do it. Why do I have to do it? Just because you said so.

Because I said so. I mean, what parent hasn't heard that at some age? I mean, it's usually 10, 11, 12, where they start kind of that challenge. But speak to the disobedience factor. Those things can happen at a young age, too.

I don't want to. Right. And the response, the hands are on the hips, and you're saying because I told you or because I'm the parent, because I'm the mom. And that's good enough. Yeah, that's why. And you know what? That is true. That biblically is true. There is a time for that.

And there's a time for that. We are the authority. God has given us that authority. But Wendy shared a verse earlier that we tell our kids, the Bible talks about that you are required to obey us so that it will go well with you so that you will have a long life. There's all these benefits to obedience.

And so we try to talk about those sort of organically as we go throughout the day. Like, oh, look at you. I just saw that you did the right thing. I'm very proud of you. That really blessed me. And I know that blesses the Lord. So part of our scripts are looking for opportunities to be positively affirming them when they are obedient as opposed to always trying to parent and give scripts in the aftermath of the problem. But then, you know, catching them doing something good is a really good headspace to be in as a mom. That is a great comment.

Yeah. And some researchers say you need 10 to 1, 5 to 1 affirmative comments to one negative. I read that when my kids were very young. And I remember just crying. Like, I remember the snot when I was like, but there aren't that many positives. And what I felt the Lord say to me was, well, then there needs to be less negative correction.

Like instead of saying I have five negatives. You've got to say that again, because so many moms, I feel it. I see it. I know.

It's so counterintuitive for the mom to get that. Say it again. Sure. If the ratio is we need 10 positives to one negative and we can't manufacture enough positives, we can't find enough positives. Well, that means we need to have less negatives.

So I can see the negatives and I can find a time to put those 25 nasty things my boys said to each other in one teachable moment. Say, hey, guys, after we clean up the dishes from lunch, I want you to join me on the white couch in the front room. Not the white couch.

I can hear him now. It's the white couch. We're in trouble.

Why not the orange couch? That's where we have fun. So they'll join me in the front room and I'll say, this is the rhythm that I'm noticing today. Oh, good. How can we make a choice to turn around? So that's the script.

That's a script. On disobedience. What would be another example of disobedience? One of the things that I did with my boys is I took that verse on obedience. Again, you know, I'm big on just taking one key area that I need to work on or that they need to work on at a time.

Otherwise we get really overwhelmed as parents. So if I'm working on disobedience with them, I will talk about, you know, all the benefits of obedience in the Bible. You know, just simply, casually as we're going about our day. And one of the verses talks about, you know, that it will go well with you. So I tell my boys, I said, this is one of the benefits of obedience.

When you obey me, when you obey your dad, it will go well with you. And the opposite of that is that things are not going to go well if you don't obey. They're just not going to go well.

And so we kind of talk about that, you know, over a couple of weeks. And then sure enough, the opportunity will arise where they inevitably will disobey. And something will not go well for them as a result. They will go way too high up on that, you know, hill that I've told them not to climb up on in our backyard and they fall and they get hurt. Or I tell them, you know, you need to take your jacket today because your teacher's taking you on a field trip, you're going on a long walk.

Nope, not taking my jacket, Mommy, I'm frozen. You know, there's all these natural consequences. And sometimes it's, I clearly told you that if you did this, this would be the consequence that you would receive.

And now they're experiencing that. So we know and we see, so in those moments I'll say, you know what, son, I love you, I'm really sorry that happened. But what happens when you don't obey? And then they'll say, things don't go well. Yeah, they don't go well, I'm so sorry you had to experience that from disobedience.

Amber is really good at parenting with empathy. Allowing natural consequences to do the work and say, wow, as a result of that, well, you hurt yourself. As a result of that, you can't go to youth group on Wednesday night.

But as a result of that, and I'm sorry, that must be really hard for you, let's talk about how that might go better next time. Which again, what's so good about that, it takes you out of the direct firing line of the conflict. You're not even doing the parenting. So allow their consequences to do the parenting for you. And asking them a question to get them thinking. Because I'm not really just interested in the quick fix of their obedience.

I'm really interested in them growing in character so that when they become men, they think twice before someone pressures them into doing something that they know is wrong. All right, let's get to another one before it closed today. Sure.

And then next time we'll come back and pick it up. But bedtime battles. Yes, I share, actually, I think that I share more scripts in this chapter than like maybe all the chapters put together.

Because it has been consistently a problem. And just the fact that there have been multiple scripts tells you that sometimes you just need to keep changing them up. You've got multiple kids, they go through multiple seasons. But it can be a silent script. It can be when they come out, you don't talk. You take them by the hand.

I mean, talking about little ones. And you walk them back to bed. And you do it over and over and over. And another script, I had a child that was, man, he already struggles with discontentment and always asking for more. So I learned I would walk up to his bed at Tuck In and I would say, all right, before I get down there and I cuddle with you, I want you to tell me three things that I did amazing for you today. And he looked at me the first time like, that's a strange request. I was like, come on, tell me, because I know I did lots of really awesome mom things today. And he said, well, you made me bacon. I was like, yes, I nailed it.

I don't know if you meant that as a positive. No, no, bacon is a love language. I thought you said made me bake. No, no, he made me bacon. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one.

Way to go, mom. And so I was like, OK, what else did I do? You took us to the park and you picked up my friend.

I was like, OK, you got three already and we could go on. So now I want you to tell me three things that I can do for you at Tuck In that they're just going to fill your heart. And he said, well, I'd love a back tickle and a blessing and a story. OK, so I get down there and I do that. And then I said to him and this became really the last part of the script. Your heart is so full of all the yeses you got today. You are not going to call out and you are not going to come out. And I walked out and I kid you not, he didn't call out or come out. You were holding your breath.

Really, really is this going to work? And it was the thing. And then I started using that.

I know that this we're not necessarily talking about discontentment right now, but I think that that can be one of the things they want more and more and more. And so during the day, I started using it. Hey, Caleb, tell me three things that you've gotten a yes at today. Wow, that's really wonderful.

You don't need to push for more right now. My favorite bedtime battle script didn't come from me because I had tried all the things and then there's still other problems. My husband said at bedtime one night, Guys, I've been watching you at bedtime. Your mom loves bedtime more than any other part of the day. She thought this was going to be just the most wonderful part of our family life.

And you guys push her and push her and don't honor her. So she's not tucking anyone into bed tonight. And the kids were like, what, life without a tucking? And they meet with her on the couch, back to the couch, right?

The white couch. And they had to come to me. And the thing is, I still gave them everything I usually give them. I hugged them. I blessed them. I sang their blessing.

I tickled their back sitting up and I sent them off. And I said, if you can stay in your room tonight, I'll tuck you in tomorrow night. And it worked.

And it worked. And now when I see them coming out, I say, listen, you need to head back. And if you can't stay in bed tomorrow night, I don't tuck you in. Yeah.

And I think one of the difficulties is when it doesn't work. You know, we're laughing at some of this, but when you have what I, I mean, you were really confident in that moment at the tuck in time saying, okay, here's what I want from you. I want you to stay in bed and you turned around and you're rightfully as a parent going, Lord made this work, shut the door. And they didn't come out, but speak to the mom who's doing that, but they're coming out. What's the next thing? There are some seasons I think where we need to embrace that we're not going to have the ideal scenario that we really want and hope for as a parent.

And we may actually be missing out on something. I remember when, you know, my boys were really struggling with this. They're very good now about going to bed because we've been exceedingly consistent. Like Wendy was talking about very, very key to be consistent. We have a routine that is as rigid as a prison system.

You know, it really is. With lots of love. With lots of love. And better food. And nicer beds. So they should be very content with all of those yeses that we've given them Wendy.

But so we are really, really consistent and that helps. But there was a season when they kept pushing the envelope and I began to realize that they'd start talking again because they weren't supposed to be talking. After we had the lights out and we said our prayer, it was silent.

I'd stay for a moment and then I'd hug and kiss and walk out. But they keep saying, but mom, I really want it. And I was trying to just nip that in the bud. There's no more talking now.

The lights are out. And then I began to realize that the things they were trying to share with me were very meaningful. And they wanted to tell me, mommy, you know, I had a hard time with my friend at school today. You know, I really, by the way, mom, I had this really successful moment in art class today.

You know what my teacher told me? Like I was missing out. I realized I was shutting down their opportunity to express what was going on in the deep parts of their heart and mind that they wouldn't normally tell me about during the day. And so I had to discipline myself to say, you know what, it's okay.

This season is going to pass. They need to tell me what's on their hearts and minds right now. They're not trying to be naughty. There's just so many things they want to express.

And I love that idea of that settled heart at that moment. One of our boys is like that. I mean, he just, he won't talk all day. It's grunts and groans, teenage boys. And then at bedtime, if you go in to say, Hey, I just want to give you a hug. Boom.

He just opens right up and you're going, wow, I hate to miss that. So it's important to do that. Well, this is so good. You guys, Amber Leah and Wendy speak authors of the book, parenting scripts, man. Thank you for the start of this discussion. I want to keep going and cover a few more of those scripts for moms and dads who are listening. And this is an outstanding resource. This is one of those very practical approaches to getting some of the basics of parenting. Right. And like I said, man, I wish you would have written this 14, 15 years ago for Jean and me.

And I'm sure John, you feel the same with Dana. Um, so listen, if you need it, call us, of course, uh, we'd love you to support the ministry in our way of saying thank you is to give you a copy when you support the ministry to express our gratitude. But if you can't afford it, get ahold of us. Others will cover enough to do that. And, uh, I believe in it that much that every parent regardless of your financial capability needs a copy of this.

So get ahold of us. We also have counselors who can, uh, talk with you, be there for you. And I am so grateful to all of you who help underwrite that.

Yeah. Your monthly gift is especially appreciated because we have a lot of budget planning around here and those monthly commitments of 10, 20 or even $50 really help us. So if you can, make a monthly donation to focus on the family today, uh, please know if you're not in a place to be able to do that, uh, a one-time gift is always appreciated. Uh, no matter the amount, make your donation today and get a copy of parenting scripts. Uh, just stop by focus on the family.com slash broadcast, or call 800 the letter a in the word family. And while you're there, be sure to take our seven traits of highly effective parents assessment. It'll give you a firm grasp of where you are as a mom or a dad and some ideas on how you can better connect with your kids on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening to focus on the family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

We'll have Amber and Wendy join us again. And we'll once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. One in five households cares for a child with special needs. Is yours one of them? If so, we know you want your child to be taken care of no matter what happens. If you want to secure your child's future by preparing a will, but need extra guidance for your unique situation, focus on the family can help download our resource 15 questions to ask. If you have a child with special needs, it's our gift to you at focus on the family.com slash special needs. E-book.