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Saying the Right Thing When Your Child Misbehaves (Part 1 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly
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May 9, 2022 6:00 am

Saying the Right Thing When Your Child Misbehaves (Part 1 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly

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May 9, 2022 6:00 am

Amber Lia and Wendy Speake offer parents practical suggestions for responding with patience and wisdom to their children's misbehavior. The discussion is based on our guests' recent book, Parenting Scripts: When What You're Saying Isn't Working, Say Something New. (Part 1 of 2)

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Every day we went out and we go at it again and come evening and you're crying about how you were blaming and shaming them negatively then the nasty face Adam and just put you didn't prepare to do it any differently than you did today for perhaps you can relate to that scenario from when we speak about how easy it is to get into a cycle of ineffective responses. She's with us today along with Amber, Leah and Bill offer practical advice for what you can do when you have a difficult parenting situation, I'm John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly Jonathan here clapping through the radio here, people going yes yes the podcast listeners. We need this kind of practical advice that were to tackle a bunch of the big parenting issues that likely face you with your children. Let me just raise a couple of them sibling rivalry.

I got two boys two years apart. I've never had any settling down. Neither of them is ever said no daddy, no threats out is through 2 1/2.

No, no, and bedtime battles and so much more working to cover the basics and you want to get a copy of this, I think, for future reference. You know here Focus on the Family. This is why we are here to help you do the best job you can do parenting your kids and naming them toward a deeper relationship with Christ. That's the goal. And that comes through in character and all the good things that we get to do as parents but sometimes it becomes a bit heavy and were here for.

In that case as well. So sit back and let's get started and Jimmy mentioned folks can get this we are so pleased that they can get the free and be sure to get a copy of the book really talking about today parenting scripts when what you're saying isn't working. Say something really loved them. So I wish it would've been out about the 14 your grandkids you have read so Emberley is married to Guy and they have four boys and Wendy speak and her husband Matt have three boys of these families live in the Southern California area in the this broadcast before the ladies walked back to focus think you mean it is. This is the big thing when you're parenting you know how to communicate effectively, how to get your points across get those kids in line and get a move and write the rooms cleaned and all those wonderful things you guys have really struck a word with mom and whether the issue last time we had your was on anger women in anger and this time with the parenting issues, the basics but what are you seeing that you're connecting so well with the mother community. While I think that were just 10. I would like to say that were smart and some things that we perceive is that I think that we are just mom to have truly startled ourselves and we have turned in all of our hearts and all of our prayers to the Lord and said, Lord, we want to look more like you in the way will respond to my children and less like our natural knee-jerk responses and we can't do that without you. We know that the fruit of your spirit is Le Havre Chile peace patients, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that my parenting doesn't look that bad. I know that you've told me if I abiding you and you abide in me, there will be fruit. So where's the fruit God and so we just started pursuing what is it look like to put on the fruit to keep in step with the spirit of God spirit in my life in the parenting. He continues to mature from the inside and the fruit grows up and out and hangs on the laurels of my life. How can I still start practicing love, joy, peace, and all the other 11 descriptor.

You left off, which I think is an important winters. The tears that mom cry sometimes because their own guilt. Another got angry. Lord help and why do I get angry.

My kids speak to that before we get into the scripting idea because I think moms carry such a heavy burden. I've seen it ranging I mean it's almost unbearable while you're totally speaking my language because that was me I would say before I had kids there certain things I'm never going to say words that are many. I'm still not myself. I promised myself I wouldn't speak like that to my children and then we get in the heat of the moment and we just have knee-jerk reaction and default phrase, or thing that we say shaming language whatever it is that just flows right naturally off of our tongues and we do feel like guilt and we say all you know I'm hopeless as a mom, why do I keep doing, and I began to realize that is one day lead to the next and I kept saying things I did not want to say that I didn't have a good plan in place.

I just simply didn't translate those verses that Wendy just cared about the food is spirit. I wasn't thinking of making a plan. What does putting on self-control for myself look like in the way I respond to my child instead of reacting and I cannot help knowing that God can help me yes promises me that I'm not the worst mom on the planet.

I'm a sinner who struggling but there's hope for me to change because God is the God of all, hope, and so I have the ability by relying on the Lord and asking him to help me like change this one thing only this one thing and saying wrong. Help me make a plan and to say something that honors you and really coaches my child and breathes life into one.

I love that she sang this one thing because what I say to the woman who's crying is hate. If you take a moment I bet you can pinpoint what that trigger is that that's bringing you to that place that makes you feel defeated and you're doing the wrong response. Your face is all screwy in your your exasperated and your slam and cupboards in the kitchen and what is it that consistently.

Your kids are doing over and over. Always takes you by surprise. What you are.

Why is always coming out of bed and I'm exhausted at the end if you can pinpoint what it is you. One of the things that we shared with you guys last time. Based on our book triggers which is really about mommy anger is figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean take a look at those times when you're really struggling and say okay no really need to say and if I can slow down and sit down.

Then I can write down a better response and I want to scan it and I so appreciate the thoughtful response.

Let's get to this time of the can do that that quote that says that definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. Don't say one thing and every day, same old lecture and one day you're just hoping it's gonna click foreign you actually stop the lecture.

Let's come up with what we really need to say script is a consequence right in lectured about sibling rivalry is your first example right so they've heard all the verses about brothers living together in unity. Bible study is classic response by Christian mob courts. You have the children write them out multiple times. How can you know it. One of the things that Amber and I remind each other because we are friends to so I will actually call her at the start that I did not know now that they're getting older so we always remind each other when you don't need to lecture him. He knows that that's wrong behavior so let's take it from sibling rivalry.

I come in first thing in the morning and they're already swinging if not with her hands and with their words right and my natural tendency just my natural response is that if they are fighting. I need to fight them to stop fighting is their fight is actually an invitation for me to join them in the fight and I had to change my mind. And that's actually one of my scripts on my kids are struggling. I'll tell them I see that you're struggling, you need to change your mind about how you construct and so I've been using that script on myself. I see Wendy that they're fighting and you want to join in the fight you change your mind about how you can respond to this. So I have started seeing them like they're in a boxing ring and a swinging at each other and the coach does not jump into the boxing ring. The cut stays on the outside of the ring walks around the corner and is communicating I'm in your corner and your struggling struggling when here to help you through the struggle. So I've had to learn when my kids are having a fight sibling rivalry I stay on the outside fight and I called into their corner, so I'll say out loud thinking being everybody to your corners and that's my simple script so there's a simple script and then there's a lecture so they go to the corner while I had to train them that this is actually what we do, and they're older now, so I have a 14-year-old that when I say everyone your corners he goes to his room and he really like the timeout gift to go to your room.

You can read you can write, you can play your guitar, you can kids can do like those that you may not fight. And so that's another one of my skills as that's good and I like that in the concept of the Scriptures. Think about ahead of time with his kids fight and you've listed 30 in this one, which is outstanding.

If you cover 30 you covered most of the managers and I counter. But let me take you to the sibling rivalry script because having two boys that were fella. A few of those and the point is in the training of them and it's great. The outcome is there.

Now you got dinged into your corners and they've learned to go with the parent who hasn't done that.

It's the training us to tell by the hand and walk by the hand walk okay come right after I take and do you need me to sit here with you while you learn to have a break and I'll tell you why you having a break you can hurt your brother, you can hurt your relationship and I'm your mom and I'm not going allow that. I love you too much I love him too much.

I can think of a couple of times when the kids were younger in their in a public place, then you can't it's not at home.

We can say been been doing what's right or corner to the corners the other end of the store.

What you do, not public environment were so many moms in efforts that snares in the grossly good from the other mothers your two kids, maybe three kids are going out at work and you do not public. I have a couple of suggestions. One, if you can leave it's true. If you're out of your out of milk. I heard that really you can leave and WhatsApp that are teaching tool to you. Note your veins are bulging in your you know strong holding everybody with your hands and pushing the cart with your And you just cannot make it to you in the learn the lesson and then you exploded them in the car or to say this isn't working and then you get to the car you drive home and oftentimes I remember those times. They fall asleep almost immediately, and they were communicating.

Later, I can do this writer for the second is you don't need to teach your child in the problem what they're doing wrong in the arena so my scripts to myself is still apparent in the problem save the lesson for later get home, get calm and say that did not work, let's talk about light didn't and maybe again maybe the script needs to involved a consequence when that happens then when we come home. You need to. Whatever that consequence is going to be in that situation if we go for ice cream if whatever it is that's good won't get it. But you don't need to stronghold them push through.

Make sure it was the most teachable moment. You can actually save the lesson for later get out of there. That's really being the adult that's what you know it. Again were all emotional creatures and I've been with his mom's and bids when were in the grocery store were responding out of our embarrassment. That's right you were lashing back in line. What you doing, stop that and it is just as this vicious cycle selected to step back and took the bait just become due to the carbon price falsely and remember the script that you can say to yourself as a parent. Sometimes we need to have our own internal scraps we write about that dovetail and sometimes the internal script that I have been in the store and my kids are not behaving as their behavior is not a reflection of me. It's not a reflection of me really so Bree is really moms are you serious.

Truly, there really it takes a long time to get to the point where you you can just breathe. I just give myself a moment to catch my own breath because it's more embarrassing when you see kids acting out and easy to parents losing their war in Iraq and so I saw that so much and myself initially that I thought you know what I'm this time it's gonna happen. They're going to act out. So when it happens.

I am going to be putting on self-control and I'm in a breed, and I'm gonna remember this is not a reflection of me. They are their own sinful nature and what I get to do now is model in all of these parenting skips really are asked modeling for our children how to communicate in a way that honors the Lord and breathes life into others and they'll be able to use that for every relationship they have moving forward.

So appreciate the perspective that our guests are bringing today to Focus on the Family Emberley and Wendy speak of thinking about parenting scripts.

The title of the book and being willing to think through and frame things are news here.

Kids understand what the real issues are and how they can kind of only outcomes in a way that they are presently doing about the training aspect is so crucial that you bring up a copy of the book or a free download of the or call us and we'll be happy to tell you more 800 the letter in the word family or let's go to another good one disobedience I said to do it. Why do I have to do it just because you said so because I said so. What parent hasn't heard about it some agent, usually 10 1112 really start kind of the challenge, but speak to the disobedience factor. Those things can happen at a young age. I don't want to write in response to hands on hips anything because I told you are because I'm not time for that type that we are the authority God has given us that authority. But Wendy shared a verse earlier that we tell our kids the Bible talks about that you are required to pass that it will go well use that you have a long life is all these benefits to obedience and so we try to talk about those sort of organically as you go throughout the day like a look at you I just saw that you did the right thing am very proud of you that really blessed me and I know that blesses the Lord. So part of her scripts are looking for opportunities to be positively affirming them when they are obedient as opposed always trying to parent and give scripts in the aftermath of the problem but then you catching them doing something good is a really good headspace. That is, some researchers that you need 10 to 151 right affirmative comments to one that I read that when my kids were very young and I remember just crying like I remember this, not like there aren't that many positives and what I've known the Lord say to me, less well then there needs to be less negative. Correction why I have my negative is that again because so many mom I feel it I see it. I know it's so counterintuitive for them that say again your ins. If the ratio is we need 10 positives to one negative and we can't manufacture enough positives. We can't find enough positive what that means we need to have less negatives so I can see the negatives and I can find a time to put those 25 nasty things my boys said to each other in one teachable moment say hey guys, after we clean up the dishes from lunch I went to join me on the white counts in the front room, not the word go.

I will join me in the front room and this is the random that I'm noticing today. How can we make a choice to turn around so that's the script that's ground disobedience.

What would be another example of the things that I did with my places. I took that person obedience again united. I'm just taking one key area that I need to work on her that they need to work on at a time to get really overwhelmed his parents so I'm working on disobedience at them. I will talk about you all the benefits of obedience in the Bible simply casualties were going about our day and one of the verses talks about you that it will go well with you. So I told the boys he said this is one of the benefits of obedience. When you obey me. When you obey your dad. It will go well with you and the opposite of that is that things are not going to go well if you don't obey it does not go well and so we could talk about that in over a couple of weeks and then sure enough, the opportunity will arise where they inevitably will disobey and something will not go well for them. As a result, they will go way too high up on that note he'll that I told them not to climb up on in our backyard and they fall and they get hurt or I tell them you know you need to take a jacket today because your teachers taking on a field trip going on a long walk.

Nope not take my jacket mommy consequences and sometimes it's I clearly told you that if you did this. This would be the consequence that you would receive another expensing so we know and we say something is one of the statements and I love you I'm really sorry that happened. But what happens when you don't obey and say things don't go well now they don't call I'm so sorry you had to experience that Andrew is really good at parenting with empathy allowing natural consequences to do the work and say well.

As a result of that. Well you hurt yourself. As a result, that you can't go to youth group on as a result of that and I'm sorry that must be really hard for you to talk about how that might go better. Next, which again was so good about that. It takes you out of the wiring hearing, which will allow allow their consequences to do the parenting them a question to get them thinking because I'm not really just interested in the quickfix of their obedience. I'm really interested in them growing in character, so that when they become man think twice before someone pressures them into doing something that they know is wrong or let's get another one before it closed in the next I will come back and pick it up, but bedtime battles.

Yes, I share actually I think that I share more scripts in this chapter than maybe all the chapters but together because it has been consistently a problem and just the fact that there have been multiple scripts tells you that sometimes you just need to keep changing them up is you that multiple kids they go through multiple seasons that it can be assignment script. It can be when they come out, you don't talk to combat hand I'm talking out little ones and you will come back to that and you do it over and over and another script I had a child that was man he already struggles with discontentment and always asking for more. So I learned I would walk up to his bed attack and and I would say all right before I get down there and a cuddle with you. I want you tell me three things that I did amazing for you to take the first time I got a strange request because I know I did lots of really awesome mom thanks to the end is about.

He made me think positive is the love bacon.

And so, okay, what else did I he took us to the park and you picked up my fan is like okay you got three already and we could go on. So now I want you tell me three things that I can do for you attack and that they just can fill your heart and God love the `call and blessing story okay to get them there and I do that and then I said to him, and this became really the last part of scripts. Your heart is so full of all the yeses you cut today you are not going to call out and you are not can come out and I walked out and I kid you not. He didn't call out and it was being and then I started using that I know that this were not necessarily talking about discontentment right now, but I think that can be one of the things they want more and learn more and so during the day I started using it. Hey Caleb, tell me three things that you got me yes at today. Well, that's really wonderful. You don't need to push for more right now that my favorite bedtime battle script didn't come from me because I tried all the things and then there still other problems. My has been said and at that time. One night guys I've been watching you at that time.

Your mom loves bedtime or in any other part of the day. She thought this was going to be just the most wonderful part of our family life and you guys pushed her and pushed her and don't honor her so she's not taking anyone into bed tonight and the kids like life without a talk he said you may meet with her on the couch back to what they have to come to me and I still gave them everything. I usually get my head to my blessed am I saying their blessing tickled her back, sitting up and I sent them off and I said if you can stay in your room tonight. I'll tuck you in tomorrow night at work and it worked and now when I see them coming out as a listen you to head back and if you can't stay in bed tomorrow night.

I don't document. I think one of the difficulties is when it doesn't work out you know we laughing at some of this but when you have been your really confident in that moment to talk in times.

Okay, here's what I want from you.

I want to stay in bed and you turned around your right sleeves of her going Lord made the door and they didn't come out but speak to the mom, who's doing that but they're coming out well as the next. There are some seasons I think where we need to embrace that were not going to have the ideal scenario that we really want help for us. And we may actually be missing out on something. I remember when you know my place really start with this. They're very good now about going to bed because we've been exceedingly consistent lady was talking very very key. To be consistent. We have a routine that is as rigid as a prison system. It really lies a lot better and better and nicer bed so they should be very content with all of the yeses given the money but so we are really really consistent and that helps. But there was a season when they kept pushing the envelope, and I began to realize that they'd start talking again. They weren't supposed to be talking after we had the lights out. We set our prayer silent night stay for a moment and hug and kiss and walk out they keep mom I really wanted and I was trying to just nip that in the but there's no more talking now lights are out and then I began to realize that the things they were trying to share with me were very meaningful and they wanted to tell me mommy you know I had a hard time with my friend at school today right now I really am. By the way mom had this really successful mom and are costing you know my teacher I was missing out.

I realize I was shutting down the opportunity to express what was going on in the deep parts of their heart and mind that they would normally tell me about during the day and so I had to discipline myself to say you know what it's okay this season is going to pass. They need to tell me what's on the hearts and minds right now they're not trying to be naughty. There's just so many things they want to express that I love the subtle part of that moment. We are one of her boys is like that you won't talk all the grunts and groans premade boys and then bedtime going to say. Heads will give you hug me just right Owens, I miss that mess that it's important well this is so good you guys. Amberly and Wendy speak authors of the book parenting scripts. Thank you for the start of this discussion, I want to keep going and cover a few more of those scripts for moms and dads who were listening and this is an outstanding resource. This is one of those very practical approaches to getting some of the basics of parenting right. And like I said, and I wish you would've written this, 14, 15 years ago for Jean and me, and I'm sure Johnny feels the site with so listen if you need it.

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And thank you is to give you a copy when you support the ministry to express our gratitude but can't afford it. Get a hold of us, others will cover enough to do that and I believe in it that much that every parent, regardless of your financial capability needs a copy of this so get a hold of us.

We also have counselors who can talk with you. Be there for you and I'm so grateful to all of you help underwrite that your monthly gift is especially appreciated. Because we have a lot of budget planning around here and those monthly commitments of 10, 20 or even $50 really help us. So if you can make a monthly donation to Focus on the Family today but please know if you're not in a place to be able to do that one time gift is always appreciated.

No matter the amount make your donation today and get a copy of parenting scripts to stop by or call 800 the letter a in the word family and while you're there, be sure to take our seven traits of highly effective parents assessment give you a firm grasp of where you are is a mom or dad in some ideas on how you can better connect with your kids on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back will have Amber and Wendy join us again and I will once more help you and your family thrive in five households cares for a child with special needs. If so, we know you want your child to be taken care of, no matter what happens. If you want to secure your child's future by preparing a well that need extra guidance for your unique situation. Focus on the Family can help download our resource. 15 questions to ask if you have a child with special needs is our gift to you. needs e-book

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