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May 4, 2022 6:00 am
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Well if it was hard to feel like I could capture you or that I could pull you into a place that I can feel as though there was something substantive and meaningful. I appreciate the point Cape May because a lot of times we person is married to a waiter would believe that they are just holding out the truly K did not have the words to be able to describe how she felt that smiling your convention and he's reflecting on how his wife Kate got stuck in their marriage as a result of something that they call their lifestyle and you'll find out more about love styles in improving your marital relationship. Today on Focus on the Family with your host focus president and Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us I'm John Foley John last time I learned so much and if you didn't hear the discussion we had last time with your convictions. You should go back and listen to it because it sets the kind of the basis for the further discussion organ I have today and we talked about those love styles that John referred to and it really is an interesting way to look at the conflict that you're having probably in your marriage. Now we know there are great marriages. You guys are probably doing the right thing whether you know it or not.
If your relationship is strong, but we talked about those things that we learned in our childhood that really anchor us down. They weigh us down. I think the apostle Paul is talking about that but when were new in Christ.
This is the area where the Lord wants to help us grow to become more secure in who we are made in the image of God and that it is a refreshing way to look at those things that the enemy wants to use against us and if we can acknowledge them and learn to grow more secure in who we are. We can have stronger marriages and stronger relationships. And that's what it's all about an mile and K have written and spoken extensively on the subject and they've been there themselves almost 40 years of the Council couples and one of the books they've written is called how we love discover your love style and enhance your marriage, and Jim we should mention is a love style assessment and our listeners can find a link for that on our website. Well let me welcome you both about thinking to be here. It was so interesting last time to to talk about the styles and for those who did not hear them.
Can I ask you to quickly recap those there's five K-1 Jihad IP avoid is the emotionally distant and detached person. The pleaser as nice good spouse who always wants harmony and doesn't want to really do anything that's too difficult.
Most delayed analyte conflict. The vast later as the protester, they have very ideal standards and when they're disappointed and upset they protest and they want to always get right back up to ideal so they can be moody, it's all good it's all bad. There's not a lot of middle ground and then we ended talking about the controller and the victim and these folks come from really difficult homes where there is abuse is neglect and feisty kids become controllers and more compliant kids in these homes can become victims and they have a hard time asserting themselves as adults and all these things we learned in childhood. We then taken to marriages, which is the problem that's exactly right. And often I was the avoid her for 15 years and didn't even understand that that was what was animating me because I never really looked back to my childhood to say, was there an emotional connection in my family are not in in in all that we talked last time about seeing God and his hand in all of this and again if you didn't hear that you really need to download or get the CD. The one the goal is the secure attached person talk about that quickly. Well, the goal is to when we identify our broken style is to move in this process of sanctification towards a secure connector really is Christ, but the secure connector we want to great model that we look at Jesus.
He was an emotionally avoidant, he connected the people at from heart to heart. He talked about his own feelings in the garden. He asked for people to be with him. He didn't suffer alone and Jesus also wasn't the pleaser he could stand up to the Pharisees and say no. Jesus wasn't heat he could protest appropriately that he he wasn't critical and always pointing the finger somewhere else as though someone else is the problem and then as the controller. The victim Jesus was only the victim one day and that was on the cross and it was because he chose to be. So when you look at Jesus. He's really doesn't. None of these styles exemplify who we want to become like, and so were were growing towards the secure connector like Christ. We left off last time and I mentioned that vasodilator and that in your book how we love you mention the vast later is most prone to that affair that really it was interesting to me the best letters you just described is that person's hot or cold, highly emotional one where the other. Why are they more prone Mylan to an affair. What happens is is the vasodilator starts off looking at all relationships in a highly idealistic mode if they fall in love with someone and again this is not about gender. This is male or female if they follow somebody they are the most amazing thing on the planet know there's nothing wrong with them. There's no red flags and so they're all in and they're really intoxicated with this falling in love, state, and really not knowing this, the vast later, male or female is in love with being in love. They love the euphoria of being in law and what happens is is that these euphoric states don't last forever, and then if you all of a sudden start doing things that disappoint me and fall short of my ideals, then I can think I got duped I can think that you fooled me.
I can think that you beguiled me, you, you just hooked me and only to find out there's really a bait and switch here when that happens, the vasodilator devalues their spouse to typically and all bad place and John Gottman, who's done a ton of research in the area of of marriage.
One of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that they referred to is the Horsemen of contempt in this contemptuous noticing this disdain begins to kick in. So if you've made your spouse all bad and basically it leaves you very susceptible to finding a new ideal person. What are those phrases that the vasodilator will use in that state. Give me that exam will bill, save it, you know you're all bad. You were not the person I was your you're not the soulmate I thought you were.
You have disappointed me chronically what I thought you were is not what you are. The idealized version of how I had imagined you in reality is now will no longer what I see you to be so now what to do.
So do a good bad split and now you're all bad in that state are sitting in church and there watching the person leave worship may think well, that person would be great.
That person looks ideal and or the preacher. He is so amazing or she is such a great teacher and all of a sudden they start to fall in love with an ideal again and so they just start the process all over again and so they're very prone to affairs because of the idealism and the level of contempt and disdain to which they take their spouses for struggle to have this middle ground of good and bad, both in themselves and others. So let's talk about those combos when they marry.
The last time you self disclose that you are avoid or pleaser in your marriage combo recovering every covering] I think Jean and I probably fit in that category.
Okay, although I think we have our secure moments and is one of the qualifiers though because you can tend to operate lease where I'm sitting. Maybe that's one of my issues as you contend to see yourself operate with any one of these attributes at any given time. That might might be my chaotic past. I don't know. I think you have people from really difficult backgrounds got good at trying everything really makes sense now. That's not a bad thing. It actually shows me that's a child with a lot of smart child who's really trying everything they can to survive in a very difficult environment that I think in a marriage relationship. Generally, you have one thing that dominates that causes this court pattern.
So let's talk about a few those that you seen in your counseling.
Just begin to express them and John and I will jump in with questions okay what about what is a core pattern okay go into court pattern is to histories colliding so my history caused me to being of waiter your history cause you to be a pleaser. And when those colliding marriage, you get a very predictable core pattern and for us.
That pattern was you're always chasing me around and ask me how I my mind out of my fine and my answer was a large related fine.
I'm glad I might keep asking me that I just sent five minutes ago I'm good. And then, but why did I chase you CK was is is an introvert and wasn't avoid.
Okay, so avoid or introvert would be two things would pull person away in that state.
She was quite in my home growing up quiet meant there was a storm coming or quiet meant that it was the five days after the storm or nobody talk so if K was quiet or distant, it began to trigger me. That's why I chased you around ask you, how are you are you mad at me. Is everything okay are you sure you're okay and that was as nauseating chase scene of the pursuer distance her and it was born out of fear and getting triggered until I could turn to Kay and say your silence triggers me and terrifies me how she looked at me and she said what My introvert is him or my need to be quiet yeah terrifies you the active site you feel that an I could.
I feel even teary right now saying that because it it was so terrifying to have silence, her silence really caused me to feel this terror and dread which catapult you and asking the question more and more which frustrates you felt suffocated by the constant question right now we have the core pattern in the near and that cycle of destruction really 15 years and we he was a pastor.
We did Bible studies, we pray, we worked on the superficial symptoms.
I tried to be more affectionate.
He tried to ask me less often. But until we understood the route with attachment and we started working at the root and I took ownership of that of waiter part of me and he took ownership of the pleaser and we begin to individually work on our sanctification in that way, but iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another so we talk to each other better fears how we scared each other, we entered into very real dialogues up with using that feelings word list. We talked about in the last broadcast soul wordless to say what my feeling I could use words like terrified and scared and anxious and overwhelmed in all these different feelings that I feel when you when you turn your back and walk in the other direction and then one day I saw I say God I need to understand K better and I tell the story in the book, but I ask God to help me CK differently and then that decor was almost miraculous answers to prayer had I saw the little girl seven-year-old little girl sitting on the end of her bit all by yourself.
Nobody talk to highly sensitive. Nobody ever asking her how she was and I realized she learned to be alone. She learned not to engage in. That's who was inside the adult K she was still inside you help me love her Lord there and you know again goes it had painful childhoods that understand this, our heart feels what you're saying others that may have had different experiences there more skeptical you can really come on those childhood experiences really is it that simple. But you're saying yes it is actually well we say should have a PhD in your spouse's childhood interest and I'll tell you why you are the sum total of your history and for the first 15 years of our marriage. I have to say we never had any discussions about our childhood and how it related to our current relationship and that was the key that unlocks compassion because when I heard those memories and I understood how really frightened. He was, instead of being annoyed by his pursuing.
I begin to feel compassion on you do that so I think understanding your spouse's history is the key to having compassion because usually that thing that they do.
That is Bob's you the most has a childhood wounds sitting under yeah, there is that challenge. I think a lot of relationships that you think you know each other menu you tolerate that level of knowing a try, but to have true intimacy. That's what you're talking about godlike intimacy into the Scripture says he knows everything about our heart right you knows or thought I and all of that right so what you're really going for is a deeper level of intimacy in the marriage so you are vulnerable toward each other trusting of each other and therefore you end up. I think more in love with each other all its absolutely true. One of the biggest mistakes a church makes is believing that in second Corinthians. If any man is in Christ is a new creature.
The old things passed away, behold, new things have come.
Will God is eraser C Drive he doesn't eraser history. He doesn't clear out all those boxcars we bring her entire history, we bring her educations. We bring our experience, we bring her regional accents with us wherever we go with that isn't gonna our position in Christ is new, completely new and positionally he is erased and eradicated our sin, but these histories we bring with us. So when you say we have colliding histories K. It is all of us.
The clients we have to learn how to grow out of the house and until we identify what's broken. How do we go out.
This is Focus on the Family that's K your conviction. She and her husband Mylan are the authors of the book how we love you can find out more about that we go online look for firstname.lastname@example.org/broadcast and as we pick it back up with my living KI had just shared how a few days earlier, my wife Deena and I had little disagreement and she called me out for going silent daughter Jim asked K to explain my reaction well. My guess is you learn to go silently before you met possibly yeah and so you know when you think about while we're at it. I first learned to go silent and why was I learning to go silent, you know, when you go back in history because generally we tell couples all the time like your marriage problems didn't start your marriage and they started way before you even knew your spouse or met your spouse to develop these relational styles before you married thinking that moment. I've made a quick assessment and determined that it's a no-win situation. So just be quiet take your ball and go home yeah and so are you saying somewhere in my past that imprint was kinda made and not carried that into the relationship. Obviously, we don't live there, but that was a moment were living there absolutely. And we all have our ways of coping and that's just one way of coping that works as a child it just doesn't work as an adult. Give us another combinations that you seen where there's trouble, the number one couple to come into a couples counseling session is the best leader of waiter and the best leader boilers the number one couple because one's proximity seeker in the other one is a distance of the avoided like John Ifill. He ago I shut down the best leader wants pursue one role-play that really quick, do it all share. Pam home Kelly to say something. You know what I'm looking for the mail thinking. Wait a minute it is.
It's from the mortgage company has mortgage on now I know you always look at tiny. I know that this is really sensitive, I have to I have to send this in today and waiting all day. You know what sometimes you throw the mail away is no mantle right now.
I now have to sign it and we have to fax it tonight. So I know you're excited about something else. Look in the trash.
You know what I get, I'll become a piece of mail.
Then you notice me anything look you anything nevermind I'm done. Forgot look.
I just need this mail know she threw it away. Wonder she's going to have sex tonight know you need a letter in the mail, the answer that question that is powerful. I mean everybody's identifying with a portion of that I'm the best leader I've been ruminating all day about homecoming and how Zach and a luck and what I meant to show him how excited I am in how excited he'll be and how excited he'll be all match her excitement and I didn't and she's deeply disappointed, so now it's like, forget it I'm done and I can show you why mass leaders love those two words I'm done with those opposite qualities were attractive, absolutely place why mass leaders Mary avoiders kids are consistent and predictable and vast leaders want predictable connection when we're dating were both involved in this intoxicated state called in love and we have these chemicals going in our brain and so there is every time we see each other. There's this delight in her brains light up with the light reality sets in. And there's refinance papers to sign and there's stuff to do and there's maps like to manage and what happens is I avert my gaze from the vasodilator and the averted gaze causes them to get triggered half. It's as though childhood that's their childhood triggered the averted gaze. I turn for audiences when we speak all over the United States and the world in a moment within the presentation. K and I will turn our backs on the whole audience and say what or what you feel right now will turn her back on the us and we get words like the trade duped and an unseen and it is available dishonest calculators answer the question at all existing and we say will you just personalize her behavior didn't you. I was just looking at the drum set really behind me on the stage but you personalize that you felt as though I was personally rejecting you. And then that personal rejection state. There's this high level of volatility and reactivity that causes this this vibration to occur that then sets this friction into motion. Forget what a great way to have discussion, I mean in your marriage. These are the tools that people need to observe their behavior know their own heart.
I love that quote that one of things for us as Christians is to know our heart as best as possible.
Yes, so that we can be true, and I think objective in knowing ourselves in knowing more, our strengths are and where weaknesses are and this is one way to do it, how we love you talked about.
Also that devastating combination of controller who marries victim talk about that combination will K maybe you could say a few words about this as well, but there are natural couple to come together because they both came from that chaotic background in their use to the dynamics of disorganization of control, anger, addiction, etc. when you comment on the controller looks attractive because generally in early dating they make all the decisions they know they decide where you can a guy it looks like you really been taking care of, and of course that's very attracted to the victim who doesn't have any real really voice our doesn't have much of a sense of south of where they want to go and yet you know the early into a relationship. These poor folks just didn't have anything to really build on from their childhoods instead of getting a lot of good examples. I got a lot of negative examples so you know we say your marriage is probably gonna be as easy or as difficult as your childhood which sort of makes sense. So these folks come together and there many times. Lacking just the basic stress regulation skills that you need. What is that conflict look like in their marriage. If anyone in the family doesn't comply. The controller will be angry and intimidating to regain control and generally there is then this explosion at some point where everybody in the family is afraid and scared and then the cycle of abuse.
There's this little window where the controller may come back and apologize and say I'm sorry that's never going to happen again in the victim always takes them back in the whole cycle repeats over and over and over again, so a cycle of abuse.
Cannonball yelling and screaming in rage. The abuse can involve physical altercations hitting excessive disciplinary tactics, there is a sad story just couple years ago where a highly rigid controlling father was angry at his adopted daughter for not complying.
She was having a hard time fitting in, and he made her sleep outside. There's a cold snap. She froze to the she died in the sky just had to discipline her and but it was unreasonable. Using this unreasonableness, which there is in a way to regulate reason or the reactivity levels.
That's exceptionally high in this home. The chaotic disorganize home. There's no filters and there's no way to regulate or modulate the ways in which we control our lives and lives and resultant trauma as a result of trauma. I have no regulation filters the right link and we will likely activity when you think of that that the sins of the father being visited upon the next generation me it's kind of an insight into what the Lord is saying there is is an in size and behavior patterns that cause children to react and that's exactly right up and have their issues and the sad part is, the healing is difficult because this group has more unresolved trauma than any other group and when we have a lot of unresolved trauma were not going to do well regulator our own stress or setting boundaries. We just go to extremes of rage are extremes of dissociation and not being fully present and the healing is really going back and remembering what it was like to be a child and fining people in your life who can comfort you and give you what ever God is a can someone who cares. I really appreciate learning the concepts about these love styles that Mylan and Kate your conviction been sharing this is Focus on the Family what a great program.
Today it is that solid material and when you start to think about and grasp your lifestyle you can really get into with your behavior in your relationship and make your marriage stronger, which is a good thing.
This is why Focus on the Family exists. We want to help you have the best marriage possible for the sake of Christ slip that way and of course challenges arise that's being human and living in a sinful world, but we can help you we have caring Christian counselors on staff that will listen to you.
Pray with you and offer insights on how you can move forward and beyond that for those who are really struggling. We have our hope restored marriage intensive, so those are really unparalleled.
I might add that Dean and I had an opportunity to attend one of those intensive sessions and it really helped. It changed our relationship. I think for the rest of our lives for the better that we hear that time and again John about couples who have gone through those intensive's.
I love hearing about the marriages that have been saved through hope restored God is doing some amazing things in that program couples on the brink of divorce come back stronger and better than ever and again the most important data point is that after two years we go back and survey.
Those who attend and 8/80% of them are still married and doing better that's outstanding. So if you need help in your marriage don't shrink back get in touch with us today may be the day that everything changes for you.
And we also have Mylan case great book how we love you can order that directly from Focus on the Family and the proceeds all go back in the ministry. We don't pay shareholder dividends when you sign up for a monthly pledge of any amount today will send you a copy of that book as our way of saying thank you for your support and if that monthly commitment is too much.
We get that will send it to you for one time gift. No amount is too small when it comes to saving marriages and helping families thrive and learn more about hope restored getting a copy of that book how we love and so much more.
When you get in touch with the sheer number is 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 were stunned by the episode notes for all the details tomorrow wouldn't be hearing about how to pass your faith on to your children so it's okay to let our kids see that mom and dad make mistakes to. It's okay for mom and dad to confess and repent for their kids so their kids can be prepared when they face a problem when they fall short okay this is normal on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ five households cares for a child with special needs.
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