Nurturing Your Spouse’s Heart

Today on Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley has a question for you. What do you want in your marriage? When do you want your relationships? Maybe it's friendship, passion, intimacy, great communication to be known deeply.

Whatever it is, I promise you that's only possible if you have two open hearts. You'll hear how to be open hearted and your host is Focus President Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us today on Focus on the Family, I'm John Fuller.

John, I think we all want those things Greg mentioned, but sadly too many couples find themselves drifting apart and often it's because a sense of heart heartedness has set into their relationship. So today, Greg Smalley, our Vice President of Marriage here at Focus, is going to share what he believes is the secret to a healthy marital relationship. And he should know, prior to joining Focus, Greg and his wife Erin worked for the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University. And he's the author of 12 books on relationships, including his latest called Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage, written with his wife Erin.

And Greg does a lot of speaking and what we'll hear today is from a conference that was held at Focus on the Family. We're going to pick up after Greg has explained that as the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, he was very confident about his relationship skills before and perhaps until he actually got married. To be honest, about two years into our marriage, I really thought that we were one more argument away from Erin leaving. Just the way that we tried to work through our differences, we were stuck. We weren't getting along, we were sort of entrenched in conflict, both miserable, the expectations that had gone unfulfilled. I mean, all that just led us to such a place.

Now luckily we got help and again, we're going on 20 years and so we made it. Looking back though, probably of all the things that I've learned about marriage and how to have a great marriage, probably there's one thing that stands out. This actually was starting to happen in my marriage that almost ruined it. And so let me ask you real quick, all right, what is the key, the most important thing, what's the foundation of a great marriage? You're only allowed to choose one thing, all right?

So just shout some of these out to me. What do you think is the secret, the key to a great marriage? All right, so Jesus or your spiritual relationship, okay, what else? Friendship, so forgiveness, good. Communication, which usually, that's usually number one, that's usually the first thing you hear. That's a great one.

What was the other one back there? Honesty, commitment, so any others? Intimacy, I wouldn't disagree with any. I think all of those are important, but I'll tell you what. If something else isn't happening, none of those things are possible.

I'd never heard this before. I didn't get this and because I didn't understand this, it almost destroyed my marriage. So let me share with you what I believe is the key to allowing you to have all those things. Okay, let me tell you a quick story to illustrate this about my oldest daughter, Taylor, when it was her first day of kindergarten. How many of you moms remember, sort of, you're sending your oldest child off for their first day of kindergarten?

Let me see your hands. Was that sort of painful day and hard? I know Erin's crying and, you know, I was like, yes, one out, you know, three more to go, kind of the thing.

So it wasn't quite the same, but she's upset. You know, we get Taylor loaded up on the bus and she goes off and get Erin back in the house and she informs me that she has to be gone that afternoon. So she gave me very clear instructions that I am supposed to be on our porch waiting for the bus to pull up so I can greet Taylor.

So three, whatever. There I am on our porch. The bus pulls up. I'm waiting for Taylor to find out about her first day. Taylor gets off the bus. I found her holding hands with a boy.

Seriously. I remember thinking, huh, that's interesting. I wasn't sure what to make of that. So I'm watching Taylor and this boy that right up to me and I have no time to process what to say before Taylor yells out, she goes, Dad, hi. She goes, this is Hank. We're in love and we're going to get married. You know, I'm going, you've been to school for eight hours. What's going on? You know, you're getting homeschooled.

I'll tell you that tomorrow, starting tomorrow. But I thought, all right, here are these two. I got to have a little bit of fun with them. So I said, really? I said, so so you guys are in love and you're going to get married? And they both went, huh? I said, well, I said being five and all.

I said, first of all, where will you live? And they kind of looked at each other, looked at me, shrugged their shoulders. And Taylor takes this kid over to the side of the porch and they huddled up and they're talking about this.

I'm just patiently waiting. They broke huddle and came back and Taylor says, Dad, if it's OK with you and Mom, Hank and I would like to live in the backyard in the little tyke's house. You know, those little plastic things, a log cabin or a castle or whatever. I thought, I said, sure. Mom would love having you right there in the backyard. She can visit any time.

I'm sure that's fine. It was so interesting to watch these two over the next few weeks. He lived in our neighborhood, so they're always together playing and whatever. Taylor would come home from school, tell us about Hank. Everything was always so positive and glowing.

Kick the winning soccer goal, answer the right question on the test. Until one day when I came home, I walked in, no Taylor. I said, hey, where's Taylor? And she said, she goes, your daughter's upstairs.

You need to go see her. And guys, that's code for what? They're in trouble. So I found Taylor under bed. She's just bawling. She goes, Daddy, I know you won't believe it when I tell you this. But she goes, Hank broke up with me today. So I said, oh, I said, Taylor, I'm so sorry.

That must hurt. She goes, yes. She goes, Daddy. She goes, I am so mad at him.

I went, I imagine. And she goes, and I hate him. And she goes, and I want him to die. What in the world? By the way, she gets that from her mother's side of the family.

I'm just saying, just so you're not worried about me. But I'm thinking, what in the world? Just the morning she left for school in love with old Hank and everything's perfect and wonderful.

And now at the end of the day, she wants the kid to die. What happened? Well, let me ask you this.

All right. Because I tell you, the same thing that happened to Taylor is what happened to Aaron and me. As a matter of fact, what happens to Aaron and me and happened back those first two years is the biggest thing that I see with the couples that I work with who are in trouble. When Taylor left for school that morning, if we just think about her little heart, would you say that when everything was wonderful and going great, what would you say Taylor's heart was towards Hank? Open or closed? Yeah, yeah. Pretty open, right? Once she got hurt and disappointed and expectations went unfulfilled, once he hurt her, what do you think happened to her little heart?

Do you think it stayed open or do you think it shut down? Guys, I'm telling you more than anything that I've learned, I think the secret to great marriage begins with understanding something very important in the Bible. Jesus, the only time he was ever asked about divorce, what did he say? He said, Moses permitted you to divorce because of the hardness of your heart. The reality is, I believe, is that a hardened heart is the kiss of death for a marriage, for a relationship really of any kind. And I tell you what, the moment that our hearts begin to shut down towards our spouse or towards the other person, over time, a closed heart will harden.

I never knew that. That's exactly what began to happen inside my marriage is that because of the conflict and the disappointment and the hurt and all the frustration, all that, my heart and Aaron's heart, we just shut down to each other. And slowly, by slowly, our hearts begin to fossilize. Luckily for us, we got help and our hearts begin to open once again to each other.

But I never understood this. All that stuff that you guys yelled out, communication, intimacy, spiritual, I mean, all that stuff you guys said, I guarantee you none of that's possible unless two hearts are open to each other. So I would say this way, the foundation of a great marriage, really of a great relationship, is that you have two open hearts.

I tell you what, it is so important. King Solomon, wisest man that ever lived, said above all else, so above everything else, the only time he ever used that phrase, what did he say? Above all else, guard your heart. Why are we guarding our heart?

What are we guarding it against from doing? And I'm telling you, what we're guarding it against doing is closing down, because it goes on to say, because our heart's the wellspring. God's love is intended to flow out of our hearts. And if our hearts close down, that wellspring isn't able to flow out. So Solomon is saying here, guard your heart from closing. It's got to stay open so God's love can flow out. Why do we need an open heart relationally?

Because again, every single thing that you want, why are you here? What do you want in your marriage? When do you want your relationships? Maybe it's friendship, passion, intimacy, great communication to be known deeply, whatever it is. I promise you that's only possible if you have two open hearts.

So let's talk about relation real quick. Why does a heart close? Our hearts will open and close every day. Boy, I can be leaving the house and get a look or a comment from my wife that's hurtful and shut right down. We can talk on the phone and maybe she apologizes and my heart's going to open back up.

But the bottom line is, this is what happens, though. In a relationship, when you don't feel safe with someone, your heart will shut down and you will disconnect from them. I don't care what relationship you're talking about.

That can be at work, that can be with your kids, a sibling, a parent, a spouse. When you don't feel safe with someone, they make you feel unsafe. In some way, your heart will close and you'll disconnect. But here's the good news, though.

So there's good news to this. The way that our hearts were designed, realize that your default setting of your heart, the way that your heart was created to exist, was in openness. Openness is the default setting of the heart.

It actually takes more work to keep your heart shut down. And what we know is that when people feel safe inside of a relationship, their hearts naturally open. And then intimacy just happens. You don't have to try to figure out how to build intimacy. You don't have to try to figure out how do we create this great, wonderful, intimate relationship. I'm telling you, what you've got to figure out is how do I keep someone's heart open to me? And the only way a heart's going to truly stay open to you, if it feels what? Safe. And that's why I'd love to offer for you to just consider, is that what if we made our goal inside of our marriage with our kids in any relationship, what if our goal became to create relationships that feel safe? What if your home became the safest place on earth?

Well, what would that be like? What I can tell you is that hearts are more likely to be open. Lots of things can shut our hearts down. We can't control all those things.

When we're busy and exhausted and worn out, your heart's going to close. That has nothing to do with your spouse. But again, what we can control, though, is the environment of our marriage, the environment of our home, and we can create homes that feel like the safest place on earth. So let me talk real quick about what do I mean by safety? What I would say that safety, emotional safety, really means is that when you feel free to open up and to reveal who you really are, that deep stuff, your deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams. I mean, that's stuff that that we all have that we're not just going to share with anybody, right? As a matter of fact, if you think about it, the people that you share your deep stuff that's inside your heart is really only with people, I bet you, that you feel safe with if you really thought about it. We feel safe when we feel that we can open up and share that stuff and trust and believe that our spouse will handle that stuff with the utmost care. We'll listen, we'll understand, we'll validate, we'll cherish and honor who we really are.

See, I think when that is happening, then we start to feel safe. So really, the question becomes, so how do we create that? So let's talk about how do we get there? Well, actually, you know, the answer is right there in the scriptures.

It's really right there. What I did is I spent a year, I do marriage seminars around the country. So over the year, we surveyed about 10,000 people. Just asked them what happens that makes you feel safe and what happens that makes you feel unsafe in a relationship. When we analyzed what helps people feel safe, we realized that there was really more of an attitude and then some actions. All the responses, really, you could divide them up into those two things and it's really right here. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but what nourishes it and cherishes it. Something about those two words, nourish and cherish, I think is really the answer. So let's talk about first the word cherish.

I believe that cherish is an attitude and that attitude says basically is that I get how incredibly valuable my wife is. Now, I'll tell you, when I'm mad at her, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, I mean, I certainly lose sight of how incredibly valuable she is. But you know, the truth is, is that my wife is extremely valuable.

Not because I say so, because her Heavenly Father made that very, very clear. Listen what he says about my wife. He said that my wife, Erin, was made in his image. That alone makes her valuable. He said, OK, that she is his treasured possession.

Look at that one. God of this universe says that my wife is his treasured possession. Jesus said that my wife is his glorious inheritance.

Wow. One of my very favorites is for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. See what that verse is saying, that what you value, where your value is there, well, your heart is going to be open to that thing.

That's why for me, when we want to help someone to feel safe, it's because I get how valuable you are. One of my favorite examples of this, actually something I saw in my parents' relationship. Now, my mom and dad, they've been married for 47 years. Again, my dad is one of the foremost world experts on marriage. He's probably written over 60 books on healthy families and healthy marriages. And yet what I love about my parents' marriage, because it just actually makes you feel really normal, is that still every once in a while, they still get into a massive argument. It just makes you feel normal.

I'm like, well, if they can fight and still make it, then there's hope for us. And so one Thanksgiving, we were at my parents' house. And so my parents get into this big argument. It sort of escalates to the point where my mom heads off in one direction, my dad heads off in the other.

As my mom starts to walk away, all the women just naturally just go right to her to comfort and do whatever else you do quite well. And me and my son, we're watching my dad walk away, and I'm going, well, you know, I said, we should probably help out. And I said, hey, Garrison, I said, go talk to grandpa. He likes you better anyway. And so Garrison's like, me? He goes, you're the adult.

You go talk to him. I'm like, all right. I said, hey, dad. Oh, I said, hey, hold up.

He goes, what? I said, hey, I can see you're really upset. Yeah. I said, I literally know exactly what to do in this situation.

What? I said, I know. I said, I really do know what to do for you to help you out. He goes, all right. I said, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go to the bookshelf and I'm going to grab one of the books that you've written and I'm going to read to you what you should be doing for mom right now. Well, the door that slammed in my face, I think was evidence that I don't think he thought that was real funny, but I still think it was funny. So I waited and I came back, you know, a minute or so later and knocked on his door and he's like, where is it? Hey, it's Greg.

Come on in. And so I find him at the computer. But as I walk around, I was just going to go around, sit in his chair and just kind of put my hands on the shoulders and hey, I'm sorry.

How can I help? As I walked around, I can see what he's looking at. He's not online. He's actually reading a document, a Word document at the top of the document. My mom's name is Norma. It said why Norma is so valuable. I thought, what? I said, no, what is this?

What are you looking at here? He goes, well, he goes, yeah, a number of years ago, he goes, I was thinking about your mom. I just started to write some things about her and what I love about her and how valuable she is and put him on the computer. And then, you know, I add to it from time to time.

I kid you not. Hundreds and hundreds of little words and phrases about my mom. And I said, all right. But I said, why are you looking at that right now? You're mad at her. He goes, I know.

He goes, what I've learned to do, he goes, usually I just would come in my office and I'd sit and I'd stew about how mad I was. And she had no right. And who is she? And la la la.

And I'd stay mad at her. He goes, what I do now is I make myself open this up. And he goes, I start to read through the list. He goes, you know, I get to the first couple. I'm like, that's not true. And why did I put that?

I'm going to erase that one for sure. But he goes, you know, and after a moment, I settle in and I remember that you've got a pretty amazing mom. I thought, whoa, because I'm telling you that that's what he's doing, where your treasure is, what you value there will your heart be open.

And that's what helps him get to a different place simply by doing that, which I thought is great. Does that make sense? Number one, it comes from the fact that we cherish our spouse, our kids. But, you know, an attitude without action, though, sometimes can be meaningless. And that's why I think the nourish part is all about an all about action to treat our spouse, to treat our kids in valuable ways, to back up. I see your value and I want to treat you in valuable ways. I think when we do that, we begin to create safety.

So I love that verse. Let us not love with mere words or in tongue, but with what? With action. So what does that look like? I asked all those couples. So how do we do this? And basically what I asked them is just answer the statement, I feel loved when you dot dot dot, when you what?

Whatever. And they gave thousands upon thousands of answers to the top ones that we found. Number one, the number one answer was gratitude.

Isn't that kind of interesting? Because the number one thing that we found that makes people feel unsafe is criticism. And gratitude is the anecdote for criticism. So I think if we want to help someone to feel safe, boy, gratitude is going to go a long ways, recognizing what they've done, that you appreciate, what you value about them. Here's another one, though, and this was one of my very favorites, to laugh and to have fun.

Who likes that one? Tell you what, my wife never feels safer than when she's laughing and playful and just we're having fun. And that's that's one of the things I so appreciate and value about our relationship is that's kind of one of our core values.

But, you know, in my list, love the fact that my wife just really has made this a commitment, our relationship. And there's really odd times that she tries to be funny, like, for example, a couple, I don't know, maybe a couple of years ago, like three thirty in the morning. OK, she wakes up convinced that she's heard a noise.

Does any women do that? Just wake up, think you hear an intruder or some noise. So she says she wakes me up, says, Greg, she goes, wake up.

She goes, there's someone I'm telling you, an intruder in our home. You got to go look. All right. So I do my little night watchman thing. Can't find anybody, but I'm smart enough to where I come back towards our bedroom. I hit the hall light just to look. See you're in bed.

All right. Shut the light off. So tired. It's like three in the morning. So I just kind of stumble just about to get into my side of the bed.

Well, it was not Aaron that I saw. Those were pillows that she had poked into her side of the bed because she's laying on the ground right next to my side of the bed. She thinks she's being real funny. OK, so when I go around is I'm just about to get into bed. She screams bloody murder and then pulls me down. OK, so what do you think I'm thinking?

The intruder. You know, I didn't think to look under my own bed, you know, so I'm yelling out, I love you. You know, we're about to die.

And it's her. I'm telling her, honey, I'm getting older. My heart's getting weaker. How are you going to explain this to our kids?

Dad's gone because I scared him to death. You know, I've never felt more loved in all my life. Oddly enough, I can't. It's the weirdest thing how that makes me feel completely safe with her. That's strange.

OK, but that's me. But really, the question, though, for you is what helps you to feel loved? Because that's the stuff that's going to help to create safety. And that's the stuff.

It's a goldmine of information. At some point, if you were willing to write those things down, exchange those lists, tell you what, that can be the difference between a hurting marriage and in a marriage that is on that journey towards a place of being able to thrive. Hopefully all that you're hearing me say is this, that in order to get everything that you want, whatever it is, fun, being scared half to death, communication, intimacy, sex, I mean, you name it, those are not possible unless two hearts are what?

Are open. What is your opportunity to do to to help your spouse's heart to open? All it takes is that people, when they feel what? Safe. Their hearts are going to begin to open.

What can I do to help my spouse, to help my kids feel that our family, our home is the safest place on Earth? Dr. Greg Smalley, as we wrap up our presentation on today's focus on the family, that is really a great message. But I don't know how anyone can live or feel safe when they're with Erin Smalley. She is a practical joker.

She is something else. But Greg and Erin have both been wonderful additions to our team here at Focus, and they're the authors of the book Crazy Little Thing called Marriage, 12 Secrets for a Lifelong Romance. And they've been here on this program talking about that book in various chapters. There's a lot of research behind what they wrote about the 12 core values that will help build a great marriage.

That's right, John. Some of those values are ideas like stay true to your commitment, rebuild trust after a breach, recognize the real enemy and it's not your spouse, trust God, pray together, keep your hearts open, as Greg so often mentioned there. Follow a vision for your future together, fight negative beliefs and celebrate your differences. And I'd encourage you to get the book from us here at Focus on the Family today. And when you do, you're helping us reach out to help hurting marriages, one marriage at a time. In fact, when Greg and Erin were here to talk about the book, we received this comment from a female listener. I've been married for over 20 years and really love Greg and Erin's honesty about how hard marriage can be at times.

But it's so worth the fight. More young marriages need this kind of encouragement. Well, that is spot on. And let me encourage listeners to donate to this ministry, which helps us provide resources like this book to young couples, regardless of their ability to support us at this time, because oftentimes they do need help, but they can't afford to get it.

So true. And it's a great idea, John. We want to be there for every married couple who needs us. So please make a donation today. And if you need it, ask for a copy of Crazy Little Thing called Marriage. We'll send that to you for a donation of any amount as our way of saying thank you. And call now.

The number is 800, the letter A in the word family, or stop by the show notes for more details. When you're online, be sure to look for our free marriage assessment to evaluate the strengths and maybe a weakness or two in your relationship. You'll also discover some great articles to kind of shore up those weaker areas. Next time, a heartbreaking yet encouraging story of a young couple who spent just 45 minutes with their newborn baby before she passed away. There were days in that year after where it wasn't OK and I wasn't OK. And four or five years later, we see God in those moments. But in the moment and for those families going through it, it is OK to not be OK. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for this Focus on the Family podcast. Please take a moment and give a rating for us in your podcast app and share about this episode with a friend, won't you?

And thanks in advance for doing that. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Soon, the Supreme Court will make its historic decision on abortion in the Dobbs versus Jackson case, one that could overturn Roe v. Wade. What will the verdict mean and how should we respond as emotions run high? As Christians, we need to be ready and Focus on the Family can help you prepare. Starting May 2nd, we'll share inspiring stories from people who face their own pro-life moments and experience God's love. To learn more, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com slash Seize Your Moment.