April 7, 2022 6:00 am
Ryan and Selena Frederick describe common roadblocks to a consistent prayer life. Plus, they share stories from their own marriage and offer practical tips to encourage couples to pray for their spouse.
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That's focusonthefamily.com slash careers. It's impossible to have a healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and a prideful orientation toward one another. Prayer is very, very humbling when you do it honestly. The problem is that oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers and we just pray we get through whatever we need to recite.
We forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us. That's Ryan Frederick and he joins us today on Focus on the Family along with his wife Selina and together they'll be encouraging you to draw closer to God and closer to your spouse through prayer. Thanks for joining us today.
Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, prayer is an underappreciated activity in the Christian life. It's not always at the top of our to-do list but it should be. I saw a study a while back that showed that less than 1% of couples who pray together every day end in divorce. I mean that that's amazing but it shows the power of prayer in your marriage and I'm reminded of the German pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He said praying for one another is the heartbeat of the Christian community and if you're married this applies to your relationship with your spouse as well.
Maybe especially. Jean and I try to pray together every morning. We read the Word together and you know some days we miss it because of schedules and things like that but more often we are getting together and doing that and I'm really happy for us.
We don't want to induce guilt today. We get the schedules and the kids and stage of life but we do want to encourage you in this area and give you the tools you need to enjoy the gift that prayer is. And as I mentioned our guests are Ryan and Selina Frederick. They're authors, speakers, and podcast hosts. Their website is called Fierce Marriage and they've written a number of books and one we're gonna be highlighting today is called 40 Prayers for My Wife and there's an accompanying book 40 Prayers for My Husband.
Look for your copies of those books online. The link is in the episode notes. Ryan and Selina welcome back to Focus. It's good to have you. Thank you for having us.
This is a joy. Coming all the way from the big state of Washington. Yes, the rainy state of Washington.
Yeah well we'd like some of that rain but it's okay. Hey let me say you know again I mentioned that guilt complex and all that but most Christians know that prayer is important but many of us we just don't build it into our regular program. I guess the obvious question is why do you think that is when the power of prayer, the testimony of what prayer does out of Scripture and then we just kind of bump along in this life. Yeah I you know Tim Keller had a thought on this and I'm gonna butcher the quote but he said something to the effect of we don't pray because we don't think we need God right and I think no Christian in their right mind would come out of the gate and say yeah I don't need God therefore I don't pray. No we functionally don't think we need God so we go about our day I mean I find myself it's like I'm laying down in bed at night and I'm realizing this is the first time I've actually thought about God I thought about meeting him I've thought about praying to him let alone praying for my wife and contending on behalf of my wife so I think it's a matter of need and on some level deep pride. Yeah and I think you know ironically modernity does provide a lot of ease for us if we were hunting and gathering for our food I think we'd be praying a lot more I know I would because I'm pathetic at it but you know only prayer would be required there but you know that's part of it right our needs are generally met just through modernity you know the fact we go to the grocery store that sounds odd but just stop and think about that what those that have gone before us had to do you know I'm sure they're praying often just to find something to eat right yeah let me ask you this I believe there was a particular season Ryan when you struggled to pray because you were consumed with work I think all of us men and women that are working outside the home are going yeah I mean you're thinking about it you're not sure if you've done the you know all the things that go into that the 14 things I have to do tomorrow it's when I hear myself saying all that it does sound like an excuse yeah I think as a husband and as a man I think the tendency is to I want to provide I want to be the problem solver I want to be the one out you know in the community solving problems in our lives solving problems and I just get so self-sustaining self-focused right and there was a season in our lives and in our work so we do that we write full time we we do the podcast full time it's a business and it was not going well recently and so I was just wanting to buckle down and work harder you know grind harder put in longer hours get up earlier and I just realized I was doing it completely on my own strength and the Lord graciously convicted me and can I ask you did that conviction come through Selena the Lord speaks through Jean often yeah yeah and that's a grace of God and yet to an extent and I think I just resolved with that conviction to open every morning with this line in my journal and you can see it just a few months ago Lord I need you more than I need revenue I need you more than I need to get this done I need you more than I need whatever that thing is that I'm putting that I'm trying to solve myself boy now you're touching and it completely calibrates my heart now to work out of a place of God is my provider not me yeah and that's so freeing the same goes for a wife right and a mother we wake up and kids are they come in hot in the morning they're just ready to go we're starting the day and so as a mom I can very easily just jump into making breakfast jump into whatever the next thing is instead of humbly calibrating myself coming to the Lord first sitting at the feet of Jesus reminding myself that these little blessings God's given to me for a short time to steward oh okay stop and breathe my Savior he sustains me right when he was tempted in the desert he told the enemy he told the devil it's not by bread alone that I'm sustained right but by every word of God and so how if Jesus says those things how dare I step out of that lane so appreciate that yeah and it's I mean I can think of those days I mean especially with younger kids it's chaos pretty much right from the beginning yeah you know you're in bed they're coming mommy mommy mommy you know whoa okay what do I have here I used to get up at five in the morning when I was a little kid I my poor mom why is this not surprising yeah you know now that I think about I still get up at five I go to bed early let me tell you but I mean that point of the energy and I think the the question Selena I'd ask from the mom side of this that sounds angelic in fact when you were saying that I heard angelic music playing stop and say Lord but how do you how do you practice that absolutely become a habit for you so a good habit I don't totally right now I don't get to pre kids you know I'll get my journal my Bible three hours in the morning God's good right but when kids come around like you said kids come there's energy usually the prayers happen as I'm making breakfast as we're doing dishes God thank you that I get to feed these little beans I pray that I wouldn't just feed their tummies but I'd feed their souls help me Lord as we wash dishes that I wouldn't grumble about the mess but I would remind myself that you've given us this life and that I get to enjoy this mess and this life sustain me because I already feel tired and it's 505 yeah no kidding no I so appreciate that and it's it is an attitude and getting that attitude of prayer right and you know you're right it doesn't have to be on your knees in front of your couch or something like that that's great if you can do that but it's in your activities yep pain pain without ceasing definitely is a it's a heart orientation and it's a humility and a recognition that I'm not my Savior now I think a lot of us are going oh yeah I pray for my kids often let's zero in on praying for our spouses not so often right right it's easy to pray for your kids I think easier sometimes the spouse prayer can be a little more difficult because you don't know my husband's right you know that's one of the things that women are gonna say or vice versa absolutely and so I guess that right question is how does prayer the benefit of prayer for one another as a spouse how does that benefit your relationship I mean just to be completely candid that's okay right I'm sure absolutely we were at we had a fight just recently I mean within days a discussion yeah yeah yeah discussion elevated discussion there we go and I was you know had a moment alone and I'm thinking I'm praying I'm like you know having those prayer thoughts Lord fix my wife fix the situation and as I'm praying it's like I'm cringing some like I'm being humbled yeah right and I think that's one of the big keys of prayer especially as prayer relates to husband and a wife is that it's impossible to have a healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and a prideful orientation toward one another so prayer is very very humbling when you do it honestly the problem is is that we oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers and we just pray we get through whatever we need to recite we forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us not the Holy Spirit prompt us and the ways that he wants us to change and be sanctified and I can attest to that I think in Jean and I praying together it's almost like the Lord if you're imagine that finger pointing at your wife or your husband and if you're now beginning a healthy prayer time for your spouse it's like the Lord takes that hand but it is true I think I have more awareness of my shortcomings after a consistent season of prayer for Jean yeah I'm starting to realize okay Lord yeah okay maybe it's not Jean it's me so that's good there was a stories help here obviously so I want to lean into that a bit with the books and I think Selena you pray to when he described as a desperate prayer for Ryan after you moved recently what happened in that yeah real-life story moving is a big transition on everyone and again I think it was around the same season that you know you move we moved to kind of a bigger house and there's more financial responsibility and then all of a sudden it feels like business is going like this everything's kind of just falling into this rut so naturally the people that you snap at more are the people you feel safe with and so he just I could tell that there was this distancing happening there was this I'm gonna put my head down I got to work and I try to respect that because there are seasons for that but it kind of felt like we were disconnected for a lot longer than we usually are and so you know that manifests itself in just fighting bickering shortness shortness lack of lack of grace any sort of affection and so I just prayed I said God help my husband's heart I don't know maybe I am wrong in this like again please God open my own eyes open my own heart to my own sin but I feel like he's spinning his wheels I feel like he's kind of depending on himself Holy Spirit just manifest your clarity I guess in him because we can just see things so wrong when we're trying to take hold and control the situation now is this you praying on my own right on your own we did three together though I feel like that was that was kind of one of the turning points of praying together I think you were able to kind of hear my heart and also see what was happening it's hard to always see in those situations too and so many spouses are high can find themselves in the situation that you you were in is that you feel helpless you feel like I just want something that change and it's not changing and what happens is when we go to God it's we're recognizing our need God this is your domain you are the one who changes hearts I can't do that no matter how many times I neg I'm speaking as a wife as a husband or I try to fix it myself the heart is God's domain and so there's the humbling of myself going to God saying only you can do this you be God I cannot be God then I think as we pray for a spouse who you know we want God to move we start to empathize we start to actually have more compassion toward one another that to me has been one of the most radical things are and yeah that's a great outcome of that and you know perhaps we didn't say this disclaimer John at the top but we're talking about normally regularly healthy relationships here not where there's severe trauma in the marriage and in those cases you need help you got pastoral help or counseling and we would encourage you to call focus and John will give those details for those so we don't want to diminish and I just picture a wife who's really struggling because her husband's addicted to pornography or an alcoholic or you know something severe you do need to pray don't get me wrong but in this context we're talking about the general generally healthy Christian couple who just needs to remember the importance of prayer in this case and you're correcting those little things that make life better and marriage better if you pray together so let me make that disclaimer in that regard the nuts and bolts of how to pray we're kind of touching on that so let's move a little more in that direction let me ask how couples can use the Lord's Prayer you mentioned that in the books how does the Lord's Prayer enter into your marriage in prayer well it's a loose outline right I mean of course just pray the Lord's Prayer verbatim top to bottom I think that's obviously that's how Jesus said to pray that's great but I find it helpful as a prompt in an outline so it starts out our Father in heaven well there's two really grounding things in that statement alone that he is not just a cult he's not just a king he's not just God he is our father he relates to us from in a familial way in a very affectionate loving way he's our father and he's in heaven all right he's above he reigns above like that is very calibrating so start with our Father in heaven okay God you are my loving father you know what I'm going through you know this situation better than I do you know your kingdom come in this situation your will be done you kind of see how that going through that with your spouse in mind is very clarifying and of course there are more kind of rigid outlines that do correlate with the Lord's Prayer like acts its adoration confession Thanksgiving supplication that's helpful as well but that's just one idea yeah and that's a the good application you also recommend praying for your spouse from head to toe which is great that covers all of it right he knows every hair on her head so how about that praying for your spouse head to toe yeah that's a great place to start if you don't know where to start for Ryan you know for a husband I might pray for his mind God just be in his thoughts lead him as he thinks and works and does all the things he does God booth his eyes mind eyes like whatever he sees may temptation flee may he not be distracted may there be you know purity in what he sees and then you know his heart God do what you're gonna do in his heart because again that is your domain his hands as he puts his hands to work I pray that he would find purpose in it that is deeper than maybe just what he's doing so yeah and you talk about for the wife or pray for the wife yeah for the life you know you had mentioned this in our conversations that you know you can get in your own head a lot so I do pray for you again head to toe starting in the integrated brain yeah that you're that your her thoughts would be centered on you and that you would be you know that her mind would be gracious toward herself even that she wouldn't be overly critical of herself even your the words that my wife says as she's mothering our children that you would give her words that are life-giving that she would have words that are from you that would bring life into the hearts of our children it begins to just prompt you yeah I hear women right now going I wish my husband would pray that way I love what I'm hearing because you're you're really reciting a lot of scripture you're not you know verbatim but you're taking up scriptural principles and you're speaking God's word over your spouse do you ever get stuck praying through scripture is a very helpful tool as well that is I think maybe at the core of these books that we're talking about and at the core of prayer is it's it's a response God has initiated he's the one who's initiated communication with us through his word through the word incarnate Christ and so when we read scripture and we say God you said these things now I'm gonna pray these not holding God hostage and you said this but more of a right this is your promise this is who you are I'm trust I'm standing on this that is us responding to what God has initiated that's really good you know everybody I I would hope would have some kind of prompting whatever it might be Gary Thomas who's a regular guest here at focus we love Gary and boy what a great author he is and his concepts are so strong he reminded us one time of a story of a man he encountered who he and his wife were there was just this thing about making the bed and he wouldn't make his side of the bed and she was frustrated by that and so then he kind of gave that over you know he said okay Lord I'm gonna do that and then when I do that I'm gonna pray for my wife as well so he used it as a prompt as a mechanism to say every time I'm making the bed I'm gonna pray for her and even when he would travel for work in the hotel he would make the bed at the hotel which I have no clue why you would do that but no for him it was the act of making the bed and then praying for his wife in that act of making the bed so that's a very sweet way to find a prompt to remind you to pray for your spouse yeah I found my best prompts frankly are just being attentive to my bride she'll be going about the day and I'll hear her voice something instead of just saying trying to fix it in that moment say how can I pray for you right now yeah let's hold hands let's pray yeah I think last night I gave my wife a reason to pray for me she was yeah we had a little home emergency and I was kind of in go fix it mode and she said is there anything I can do and I said no and I just kept moving and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to ask her tonight I'm pretty sure she prayed then cuz it thinks smoothed out a bit but I was you know what I'm saying right I mean it's I you referred to it earlier I've got to fix this yeah and I'm not doing it in the Lord's power I'm just doing it in John's power and I think she probably was praying for my heart to just chill him down yeah that's yeah we all experience that let me ask you for advice where couples they're just not comfortable with it they may be you know again temperament can play into this too and I don't want to pick on introverts because an introvert could be a great prayer warrior but if you're just not used to praying together how can they break that pattern and be more comfortable with each other I mean there's times Jean and I when we're praying we'll start giggling about something you know the pace at which we're praying Jean has an awesome reverence for the Lord so she's in the morning and when we're praying together she's okay I'll pray first and I'll say okay and then there's like this long pause and I'm going yeah and I'll open my eye you're gonna pray yeah I'm just getting my heart in the right place you know it so then we'll laugh about that you know but speak to that I guess what I'm asking is that awkwardness for some couples just to be comfortable enough to pray to God in front of each other say don't let it hold you back I mean anything great is never easy and it can always take some time to get more comfortable in that discipline but as believers we are called to pray and so it does come down to obedience so don't let the awkwardness hold you back lean into the awkwardness good I like lean into the I think some of its humorous yeah I remember a couple times with the boys when we were praying and something was just funny and boom we get going of course mom you guys knock it off we're talking to God sometimes just got a roll with it okay the Lord he created a sense of humor and you know just be relaxed yeah even a tangible let's hold hands together why do we close our eyes so we're not distracted we can face one another and begin praying for one another and again if you don't know where to start start with the Lord's Prayer okay you you move through various circles you've known a lot of people is it pretty common Jim's on to something here I think there are oftentimes different prayer approaches that we bring to a marriage how often do you see that as the very role yeah no it's true I think that gives rise to a lot of that awkwardness that people feel like they've witnessed it in a way because it's funny how you can have a conversation like this and we have a certain cadence to the conversation of a certain way of speaking and all of a sudden when you turn on the prayer switch something changes your God yeah there's this it depends on where you come from right or you know that's interesting you say God you know 20 times for every you know 10 words you're you repeat God's name and as you never do that talking to somebody in person but yeah the awkwardness is real and I think I think it starts with recognizing that you are actually interfacing with the person of God right he's not just an ethereal spirit out there he had got his spirit but he's also he became flesh and he is our father and and he's dwells with the Holy Spirit and we are responding to that and the awkwardness I think on some level comes down to paying greater attention to other people besides God like we either paying attention that we might be overheard by somebody or our spouse might think something about us or I don't like the way I sound well on every level I'm thinking about everybody else but God yeah fix our eyes on God yes rise on him then again that calibration happens I'm talking to the living God and he has accepted me and he has said come to me and here I am so it begins to take the focus off ourselves no it's good I'm thinking sometimes G and I are hoping the boys are listening right we're praying to model it and make sure they know we're connected to the Lord in that way I think in that respect another key question is being able to hear from God I mean like anything if we're doing all the talking we're not doing much listening and so the importance again Jean is so good with that at the end of our prayer just to calm our hearts and say okay let's just hear what the Lord's having to say to us that's a great focal point too and it's it may be harder than praying is actually sitting and listening nowadays especially I think because there are so many distractions the pace of life I want to meet Jean she sounds like a wonderful you know we're wrapping up here I want to hit three quick things that you mentioned in the book be hopeful create margin pray continually so just fill those in what they mean yeah I think when we pray we need to pray expecting that God will move right it's a lot of being hopeful yeah that's the hopefulness and one of the things we walk couples through in this book is they go through an inventory at the beginning where they kind of grade their marriage the various aspects of their marriage communication intimacy how do we deal with financial issues how do we deal with conflict and they grade it on a scale of one to ten then they commit to doing these 40 days of prayer and the hope is at the end of those 40 days they can go back and they redo the inventory they say how has God moved in our communication how it's gotten through it in our so I think we expect God to move immediately or not at all and God doesn't often do that he moves over time steadily he transforms over time through steady sanctification and then the second piece of creating margin he has a really good rule like a one-to-one ratio so if I'm sitting making my request to God for ten minutes maybe I should at least sit for ten minutes and listen and wait for the Lord sit and be like Jean yeah and the Holy Spirit will tell you what to pray for in those moments too when you give the margin that's the conversational piece and then the final one praying continually you know Paul tells us and I think it's first Thessalonians 517 pray continually it's really short verse that's an attitude of prayer I think early on we talked about having this kind of awareness we have a friend who does tactical training like for civilians right he's an ex-army ranger and one of the things he says is don't when you go into a situation it to be situationally aware doesn't mean you're paranoid it just means that you're aware and so praying continually I think is a function of being aware of your situation and thinking I can pray I can bring this to God right now and that's an attitude of prayer it's not that you're constantly you know in your prayer closet hands folded eyes closed all day long it's just that you know that God is with you and you can converse with them throughout the day so true Ryan let's end with you praying for us all right we do that yes praying for the listeners the married couples who maybe haven't prayed together much and opening their hearts to doing it let's do it okay Lord we come to you thank you for the ability to pray thank you that you've allowed us to converse with you this freely what I pray that it would not be something that we take for granted but it was something that we would press into and then here and press into hearing back from you through our prayers I pray for the husbands and the wives listening to this the marriages represented by those individuals I pray that you would teach them how to pray show them how to pray for one another show them how to pray with each other remove barriers remove distractions and awkwardness but Lord I pray that they would just experience your goodness and relationship with you through this gift of prayer in your precious name amen amen man this is so good and I hope folks will get in touch with us and you know for a gift of any amount if you can help us on a regular basis a monthly pledge that would be great it helps us but we'll send you both books as our way of saying thank you when you make either that monthly pledge or a one-time gift and I think it's a great place to start if this hasn't been a normal thing for you and your spouse to do start now I mean it is a beautiful part of your relationship and I think that inventory that you talked about I'm gonna take it I'll have Jean and I take it and see where we're at and that's a great challenge it's a playful challenge it's not meant to condemn or to load guilt on to you but what a great thing to measure how you're doing today and then 40 days from now take another look at it and see what the Lord's done in your relationship I would look forward to that yeah and these books are so good they're gonna be part of my prayer routine with Deena in the mornings and I hope you'll be joining us that this will be part of your prayer routine as a couple get your copies of 40 prayers for my husband and 40 prayers for my wife when you call 800 the letter a and the word family or click the link in the show notes for more and while you're at the website be sure to look for our free marriage assessment which takes just a few minutes it'll give you a good gauge on how you're doing and some really important areas of your relationship and the link to that assessment is in the show notes well coming up next time on focus on the family author Jackie Hill Perry explains how God's grace empowered her to find healing from sexual brokenness and so what I thought Christianity was were people who did a lot of good stuff that Christians were people who were really good at saying no to things that felt good did recognize that Christians were people who God had snatched up and given them a new heart and a new spirit where they were able to say no on the virtue of somebody else's power on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team thanks for joining us today for focus on the family I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers I was so done I had reached my breaking point I was desperate for a shred of hope so I called the hope restored team at focus on the family they they listened to me and they asked about what was happening in my marriage they encouraged me and my wife to attend one of their marriage intensives for couples in crisis and they prayed with us they helped me believe that my marriage could be saved I agreed to go but was very skeptical that anything could help us but the whole environment was so safe and non-judgmental I felt my heart start to open up as we worked with the counselors both of us still have work to do in our marriage but for the first time in a long time we have hope again focus on the family's hope restored marriage intensive program has helped thousands of couples who thought that their marriage was over find out which program is right for you at Hope Restored.com
Whisper: medium.en / 2023-05-10 11:08:50 / 2023-05-10 11:20:56 / 12