March 15, 2022 6:00 am
Susan Birdseye shares her dramatic story of learning about her husband’s affair after 17 years of an apparently happy marriage. She describes the devastating effects of her husband’s decisions on her family and her struggles navigating her eventual separation and divorce. Susan also shares some of the challenges she is facing now as a single parent. (Part 1 of 2)
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Do you feel called to serve God in your career? Check out some of the exciting job opportunities we have at Focus on the Family. We're looking to fill positions in marketing, IT, and marriage counseling. Work with other talented believers. Enjoy a meaningful Christ-centered work environment and use the skills God gave you to encourage others and help families thrive. To learn more, visit focusonthefamily.com slash careers. That's focusonthefamily.com slash careers. Imagine being happily married for a number of years and experiencing all the joys and challenges of a busy family and then you suddenly learn that your marriage is over. That's the dramatic story we're going to hear today on Focus on the Family.
Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm Jon Fuller. Jon, one of our foundational principles here at Focus is about the permanence of marriage. We believe marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God that not only benefits a husband and wife but also benefits society as a whole.
Certainly the data supports that. The Bible is very clear in Matthew 19 where it says a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. What God has joined together let no man separate. And we believe that and we know that God loves marriage.
It's his institution. That's why we work so hard to rescue and support hurting couples through programs like this one, our counseling team, and all the resources we provide for families. But we also live in a world that's broken by sin where some marriages self-destruct because one or both spouses walk away from their commitment and aren't willing to save the relationship. It is a tragedy when it happens because the damage often extends to their children, their friends, and other relatives. And if you've experienced that we grieve for you and we're here for you as well. Focus on the Family has a terrific counseling team as Jim mentioned and other tools designed to provide healing and godly encouragement for you in the coming days. We're a phone call away.
Our number is 800 the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or check the episode notes to learn more. And John today we're going to hear one woman's story of going through a separation and divorce that she never wanted and as a result she became a single mom to five children. Sounds a lot like what my mom went through but what's remarkable about Susan Birdsy is the powerful presence of God's grace and joy in her life. Despite the horrible circumstances that she experienced it's astounding how God has worked through her and her family and I can't wait for everyone to hear her story. And we'll mention that this interview was recorded a number of years ago and here's how you began the conversation Jim with Susan Birdsy on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Susan you have written a book and it's called When Happily Ever After Shatters. That's a powerful title.
You're also as I said a blogger. Let me read to you a journal entry that you made and that will start the conversation. You wrote what are all the emotions I feel in the midst of this disaster? Disbelief seems to be the predominant one. The others are anger based mostly because of the effects of this situation on my children. Frustration at not being able to fix things.
Some fear mixed with anxiety and an ample amount of worry. What were the circumstances that you were writing about at that time? I'd been married about 17 years and my husband had gone out a Saturday morning we had a house full of children some friends my kids had all their friends over and he had gone out to go to a dry cleaner which literally was at the top of our street and he was gone two and a half hours. So when he got back I asked where have you been? You've been gone a really long time and it he said I think I'm gonna leave.
Just like that. That was just out of the blue. Completely out of the blue and I was just floored by it and disbelief was the predominant thing absolutely. Couldn't believe it and I had no inkling that we had any issues.
Right. I mean we had a chaotic joyful household five kids we'll do that to you and so it definitely was completely out of the blue for me in that regard not really knowing that we had some problems but I can look back and see flirtatious circumstances and I did address that with him several times you know just like could you not be so flirtatious with other women when I'm around and you know probably should have said ever knowing what was going on at the time. But you definitely can look back over all the years and see things. I read some journal entries from when we were first married where I had some you know gut feelings that were uncomfortable but I think you know I chose not to go down that road and I'm thankful I'm very thankful that I was you know blissfully unaware because I was happily married and and I don't regret the marriage at all. You know I did love my husband very much and when you when you in that you know that is the way it should be the and I just want to say we know divorce occurs and there are many people listening that perhaps have gone through it they may be separated right now not knowing what to do we recognize your circumstance if that's where you're at. Take us back then to those days so he's come out with this he was gone a long time comes back from picking up dry cleaning almost three hours later and says to you I want to end this in essence.
What happened over the next few days? Well I asked if there was somebody else and he said no you know said I just I'm just not happy and so I really put it into high gear just trying to be the perfect wife you know. So you felt you could compensate. I thought I could do whatever it takes I'm gonna make I'm gonna convince him to stay.
That would be a natural reaction you're trying to fix it. And so I I did everything I could think of I was probably a little too thick in it you know I'm trying to love on him and but over the next three days I could feel him pulling back more and more his he for lack of a better phrase he seemed guiltier and guiltier and so after about three or four days I said you need to be honest with me and tell me what's really going on and he said well I'm interested in somebody else and I said well is it is it serious and he said no it's just an acquaintance. I said well could you not see her anymore and focus on you know getting our marriage back could we do whatever needs to be done and he was not willing to do that and the next day I addressed it again and I said could you tell me a little bit more and we sort of did it in it it seemed like in increments he shared that it was somebody he knew and they were good friends and they were doing things together and but it was not romantic and then the next day at my daughter's field hockey game while we were standing on the sidelines he shared the details of it that it was a physical relationship and that was probably of all the times the most devastating for me because it was a rather nebulous thing up to that point you know kind of he just wasn't happy and that maybe I could do something to make him happy and you know that he was interested but maybe I could get his attention back to me. Let me mention your relationship with the Lord at this point we have a lot of different people listening some Christian and committed to the Lord some not Christian what was your and your husband's spiritual journey at this point where are you at you're going to church you're not going to church? My husband was actually an elder in our church and a Sunday school teacher care group leader administrator of the Sunday school program leader in our community and so very involved I was in the women's ministry a Bible study leader worship team leader and so yeah we were definitely all enmeshed in that life and I would say at that time God was so gracious to me because I was in a really good place with him it's like he had girded me up before that happened. Looking back on that because again I'm sure there's some women listening right now that may not have that relationship and have heard the words from their husband I'm leaving you what would you suggest to them if they're not as close to the Lord? Well for me it was imperative I don't think I could have survived the way I did I think he gave me so much grace to deal with it and it sounds a little bit trite to say this but it's so true is just laying it all out before the Lord I mean being very honest with him that first year after my husband left my relationship with the Lord was so strong and he absolutely was a source of all my strength I had nothing physically mentally emotionally it was just a mess the second year my pro-life consisted pretty much of me just going seriously that really was it I you know it's not really angry but a little bit like God really this is your plan for my life and what I would say to women who are not in walking with the Lord at this point or not really solid in that walk is that you can be totally honest with him and just say I have no idea why you would allow this to happen in my life you know what how could this possibly be your plan especially for your kids sometimes you can somehow or another wrap your brain around it for yourself and kind of have a vision okay God's gonna take this and make me into the woman I'm he wants me to be I'll be stronger and you know I'll know him better but for your children just watching them walk through that you that's where it's very difficult to kind of yeah trust them that God has a good plan I want to talk about the impact with the kids but before I do what you're suggesting there is a root of bitterness it sounds like and you've got to be careful that that root does not take hold of your heart how did you manage nipping that before it could grab you I said there were a couple things I was very heavily in the word just because I knew there really wasn't any other answer for me and I think you know you can go to television and books and to kind of distract you from what's going on but I really wanted hope I really wanted to be better on the other side of it hope in what though hope that God had a good plan in all of this so he was gonna turn this into something beautiful that he was to turn my morning into joy you know my weeping into laughter and I'd be dancing at some point you know that was right comes in the morning yeah I was hopeful that God was gonna do something through this and I will admit at the beginning my hope was that he was gonna bring my husband back even natural even after he had left you know my good what I thought God would do was that I had it all worked out I had a great plan that's the right hope to have I mean it says in the word and describes God hates divorce he makes provision for it with infidelity and in yet he I think prefers that people be committed for their entire life together because that's how he designed us and so that's the right hope to have it's not false hope although it may not work out let's turn to the kids you're a loving mother you're going through this I can't imagine and we realize that gender is in this day and age it's not about the gender it happens to men to where their wives are having affairs and yet the the spouse that is in the position where their spouse is cheated on them you've got a lot of emotion going on you have five kids in the home at that time when did they become aware of it how did they become aware of it and what impact did that have on them when it first began when my husband first shared that he wanted to leave I did not the children did not know anything I'm sure they had inklings because there were you know we had a lot of hushed conversations and I was very emotional I did not want them to know because I my hope was that we would be reconciled and I didn't want my children to know what their father had done if I could avoid that if you went through it again would you handle it the same way okay good absolutely we it was sort of taken out of our hands in some regards because my husband was a public figure so when he did finally decide to leave it did become public knowledge and a lot of people knew and I knew my kids were going to know I told him he had to tell our children the next day well that was good to put it on him mm-hmm and so that's how they found out their father told them in a very unemotional stoic sort of way he did not show any emotion he did not touch them and hug them he we're sitting on the sofas in our family room and my oldest at the time was 14 my youngest was not quite two and so the little girls there was you know one and two they didn't have any idea what was going on real I mean I'm sure on some level they did my 14 year old my daughter was 11 and my son was 8 and he said it and my oldest son is the quintessential firstborn he's just a wonderful young man and responsible respectful just all-around great guy he put his head in the crook of his elbow and just put his head down and didn't say anything my daughter and my son the 11 and 8 year old just completely fell apart bursting into tears and weeping and wailing and they were you know please don't leave daddy and my I think my little boy said something about us being poor and living on the street or something you know just instantly went an interesting place for an eight-year-old so I just kind of gathered them all in my arms and he went up to pack and get some more clothes to leave so in essence he left you with the rubble of their emotions mm-hmm they did kind of follow him around my eight-year-old followed him around with his Bible my husband's Bible and my daughter wrote him a letter asking him to stay and my oldest son stayed in his room he didn't come out and that night we left to go to my parents house my eldest stepped kind of into that man of the house moon went and made sure all the doors were locked and that's been a struggle to make sure he doesn't become an adult too early because he's such a responsible firstborn so it was a natural tendency for him to do that so I don't know I think you have to decide in your family how much you want your children to know of the circumstances of your divorce I know some families where the the spouse that was left has chosen not to say that the the adulterer was an adulterer and I think you just have to decide what you feel is best for your children and for them what knowledge is too much and what's okay it's interesting when you when you deal with adversity whatever it might be it might be the loss of a spouse by death and not necessarily adultery but in every adversity if you can turn toward the Lord and face it with him and let him teach you how to get through through reading the word and seeing how David and so many biblical characters dealt with adversity it's an amazing journey then isn't it yes it's awesome to see how he takes such difficult circumstances and does beautiful things with them and and that's a challenge which I've tried to work with my children on is to see that there that God can use all of this difficult stuff and turn it into something beautiful and that he does have a plan in the midst of all of it there was this right kind of in the just in the down and dirty time of the going through the separation and the divorce we had a guest preacher at our church and he was talking about the Israelites at the Red Sea and he was sharing about how the water parted actually from the other shore it says in East wind so it parted from the other shore towards them kind of not like we think right in front of the Ten Commandments movie you know where it goes to them interesting and I after church I was like guys do you know how cool that is that God is already working a plan to get us through all this difficult stuff and he's bringing it to us like we don't have to go get it it's coming toward it's coming to us and how beautiful that is that God does that Susan one thing that I notice because my mom and dad divorced when I was five and you know those are memories from long ago but I think the way that I coped with it and you have a youngster about that same age it was to wall off not to think it's such a big deal it was a big deal but emotionally a coping mechanism for a child is just to not let it go so deep so it doesn't hurt I mean that's not necessarily healthy is it because you're not really feeling underneath the superficial reality of that have you experienced that with your kids yes I particularly my daughter is very much very emotional that very first day when he said extremely emotional but from that day on she has shown very little emotion absolutely shut down and I see it go into other areas of her life as well just you know she is very unexcitable she's just a very low-key kind of person now and unaffected that's probably a better word unaffected by what goes on and her she'll say the same thing if I ask her about her father or anything that's going on in her life it's not that big a deal now was she that way before no I know she wasn't no but she's she's funny though we did the passport to purity weekend and on the way back I said baby do you want to talk about anything with your dad and what's going on with our family and she's like no just wait till I'm older and have a bunch of relationship issues I was like ha ha ha and we we laughed but part of me was like oh you don't want that but I think she recognizes that it is a big deal but I think again it's a coping mechanism she just doesn't really know what to do with it and they do all deal with it differently and and as a parent walking through that as a single parent as well walking your children through this and each one is dealing with it differently each one has different needs needs to be encouraged in a different way it is absolutely overwhelming and you're coming at it from a place of not having a whole lot to give because you're walking through it as well having all those needs and things so that's you know where the Lord's strength is the answer to that mm-hmm well and the thing you have to continue to imbibe into your children is the fact that even though it didn't work marriage is still a biblical theme it's something God wants for us as adults not in all cases singleness is a part of biblical truth but but you still have to educate your kids around this problem have you found that challenging to lift up marriage with your kids in the midst of tragedy no I don't think so because I'm sold on it too so I didn't ever come to the point where you know I hate men I don't want to ever be around another man ever I have my heart's desires I love to being married I love being a wife and I talk with my particularly my daughter you know that it's a beautiful calling if God calls you to that and um and I think we have a little different circumstance maybe then some people that we didn't have a marriage that we were fighting all the time there wasn't a whole lot of angst in our marriage so my children saw a relatively good marriage right so they have that vision you know we were all kind of blindsided my kids included you know I have had talked with youngsters who have gone through what my kids have gone through who said well it was easier when my parents separated and divorced because they were always fighting all the time my kids didn't have that so in some ways I've had it a little easier because I can say well daddy and I were happily married and I try and bring up happy stories from the past with them remind them of fun you know it's not taboo to talk about daddy this is focus on the family with Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and we just heard part of a conversation recorded a number of years ago with Susan Birdsy about the heartbreaking revelation that her seemingly happy marriage was over and she was facing an unwanted divorce and on top of that she became a single mom of five children John I hope our listeners will join us next time for the conclusion of Susan's incredible story because although her circumstances didn't get any easier she clung to the Lord and relied upon godly friends in her church community to endure the days ahead and eventually she even found a place in her heart to forgive her husband but today we want to share a quick update from Susan about how she and her children have managed over the past 13 years since her divorce and here's what she shared with us I discovered that for myself it's really easy to trust God with those big giant things and it is really hard with the little things and being a single parent there are so many things you deal with so many decisions to make on your own so many burdens to carry alone and as a single mom I know like house repairs and car you know just all those little nitty-gritty things after a while that can just feel so overwhelming and like I know God cares about all those things but sometimes it's like could all the appliances please work for more than a minute you know that that kind of that kind of thing so just learning to trust God has been a challenge honestly you know walking through this life because it is overwhelming and I think sometimes people think that oh gosh you've been a single parent for over so many years you should you know it should be easier by now it's like mmm no it's parenting it doesn't get easier it just gets different and so it's really interesting to see with five you definitely see like a different response to the situation in each one of them one of my children tends to be more of a peacemaker and you know we'll do everything he can to us wait you know kind of make everything smooth and easy for everybody including including his dad one of mine is very very angry and doesn't want to talk but is constantly pursuing his faith but I think his relationship with God is definitely impacted by that because that dad figure left so he has a little bit of trust issues with God so we talk a lot about that and what I see with my daughters particularly is a lack of value they don't see themselves as valuable and worthy of being loved well and it's heartbreaking and you know it's just and I hate to use the word just but I think what I can do is pray for my daughters that God will continually pour into them that he loves them and that he is there for them and he values them just as they are so they have index cards with verses all over their rooms and mirrors and everything with every affirmation verse I could find but we've all we've all struggled and wrestled with some different things with our faith I think we're all stronger for it and the kids and I have a really strong relationship with one another and have great conversations about God and who he is and how to trust him when things just don't make sense and when things aren't kind of going the way you want them to go I think we all we often talk about like that dad in mark nine where he's like I believe help my unbelief you know like is God going to step in and help with the different things that we're dealing with and I think that at some point the kids and I have also talked a lot about like stopping we stopped asking why things happened and why our family is like this and why there are so many challenges and struggles and kind of like how God how do you want us to walk forward how do we do this well how do we live where you've called us to be and be content with that life and be okay with things are not going the way you know in your mind's eye you want it to go or you thought it would go or by now it should be easier so I think that's that's one of the things I think we've all wrestled and and grown stronger for it you know John I really admire Susan's courage as a single mom and her commitment to the Lord trying to help her kids retain their faith and see value in themselves and believe that God's got a greater purpose for their lives even with all that you know destruction going on but we also need to acknowledge that one of the greatest tragedies in our culture today is the devastation of divorce far too many husbands or wives are walking away from their commitments and families and shattering their own lives and the lives of their children divorce is never easy or good and it has terrible consequences and frankly it's a violation of God's plan and if you're saying man he's really heaping on the guilt I want to because I want couples to rethink it if they're on that borderline of thinking a divorce we know there are exceptions in the Bible for abuse and infidelity and we know that we live in a sinful and broken world where bad things happen often out of our control and I get that but here at focus we're doing all we can to rescue couples who are hurting and who maybe think they have no other choice but to walk away that's why we have our counseling team and our hope restored intensives which is a counseling effort it goes for several days typically four days and our goal is to give you godly hope for your marriage and along with the tools that you need to rebuild your family we're going to urge you to contact us here to ask about these resources focus on the family is here we're wanting to help you in any way we can and our number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800 2 3 2 6 4 5 9 or check the episode notes to learn more and if you're in a good place right now with your marriage let me invite you to do ministry through focus and this program hope restored has an incredible success rate over 80% of the couples that come two years later are doing better and still married I can't think of a better program in the whole country John and man like the early church let's pitch in together let's improve the capacity for hope restored right now we hope that 3,000 couples will go through the program we're trying to create more capacity in Arizona down in Texas if you want to get on board with hope restored I hope someday we can be putting five to seven thousand couples a year through that program and then we're gonna put a dent in the Christian divorce rate so be a part of it send a gift to focus on the family today and earmark it for hope restored and we will put those dollars to work to save more marriages donate as you can join the support team and when you make a gift of any amount either a monthly pledge or a one-time gift we'll send a copy of Susan Birdsey's book when happily ever after shatters seeing God in the midst of divorce and single parenthood and again our number is 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the episode notes to find the link to donate coming up next time more of Susan Birdsey's powerful story about learning how to avoid bitterness and regret and to embrace the power of forgiveness I'm John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team thanks for joining us and plan to be with us next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ
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