Going All Out for Your Wife (Part 2 of 2)

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That's Give Families Hope dot com. Today on Focus on the Family, encouragement for men. Reputation is what people think you are. Character is what you are when no one else is around. We need to be men of godly character. So what's the condition of your character?

Who are you when no one else is around? We're going to hear those questions addressed by our speaker Steve Farrar today. And your host is Focus President, Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. Well John, we live in a day and age when technology puts all sorts of temptations right at our fingertips and you don't have to go very far to find them.

There are explicit images available on your phone, your laptop, or your tablet. Temptation has entered your home. You don't have to slip into your car and go to the seedy part of town to find these things today. So how do we overcome these enticements? Steve Farrar is going to provide some ideas as he encourages us to be men of integrity, especially as it relates to our marriages. And what I love about Steve Farrar is his positive approach. He wants to equip each of us men with the tools we need to succeed in our marriages. And for the guys who have made some mistakes in the past, let me say, don't give up.

The fact that you're interested in doing better is a sign that the Holy Spirit is working in your heart. So stay tuned. This message will provide some tools for you to fight these battles that we all struggle with. And let me just quickly reintroduce our guest for those who weren't with us last time. Steve Farrar is a popular speaker and former pastor.

He's the founder of Men's Leadership Ministries and the author of a number of books, including Point Man, How a Man Can Lead His Family. Now, on this occasion, Dr. Farrar was speaking to over 50,000 men at a Promise Keepers event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway in North Carolina. And near the end of our last program, he shared a great illustration that he'll be referring back to. And it's worth hearing again.

So we're going to roll back to that point and then ease into the new material. And let me mention, we'll be getting into some sensitive content that will mean you want your children elsewhere or you're going to want to use your earbuds or listen later online. With that, here's Steve Farrar on today's episode of Focus on the Family. The enemy is doing everything he can do. He knows my habits, my tendencies, my weaknesses. He knows how to drive a wedge between me and my wife. How is it that guys who start strong, how is it that they don't finish strong? It's because the enemy gets them off in their marriages.

Hey, you know what? I want to hit the finish line married to the same woman that I'm married to today. And you do too. And again, you may say, Steve, I've already been picked off. I've already been through divorce. I've been through two divorces. I've been through three divorces and I'm on marriage number four.

Well, then let me say this to you, my friend. By the power of the living spirit of Jesus Christ within you, you make this marriage work. You implement the principles. Let's finish strong with our commitments where we are right day. We can't go back to the past. All we can do is go forward.

You see, we're talking about keeping commitments. In 1519, Fernando Cortes undertook a tremendous responsibility. Loaded 11 ships, hundreds of men and went to Mexico. He didn't know what was awaiting him, but he felt like there was treasure.

He felt like there was some conquest possibilities. They landed in Veracruz and then the men unloaded their stuff. And as they were going up the cliffs and making their way and they didn't know if they were going to live. They didn't know if they were going to be attacked.

They didn't know if they were going to be diseases. But as they're going up that mountainside, as they got to this, one of the guys yelled and suddenly they looked back down in the bay. Hundreds and hundreds of feet down where they saw their 11 ships and their 11 ships were all going up in flames. All 11 ships were burning and there was not a thing they could do.

What happened? How did the ships catch fire? Cortes set the ships on fire because what he did, he cut off, he burned the escape route.

He made sure those guys were committed. They had to finish because there was no escape. Gentlemen, we need to burn our ships. Divorce isn't even in our vocabulary.

It doesn't even exist. I think one of the ways that we burn our ships is to go to 1 Timothy chapter 3. And in that passage, Paul is talking to young Timothy. And he's talking to Timothy in 1 Timothy 3 about Timothy had to find some leaders for this church. And Paul gave him some qualifications. And he said, Timothy, don't look for guys on the basis of their education.

Don't look for guys on the basis of their net worth. But he gave Timothy a bunch of character qualifications. And in 1 Timothy chapter 3 verse 2, Paul says, an elder or an overseer or a spiritual leader must be above reproach. What that means is, gentlemen, is that ministry is a character profession.

Again, I think it was Swindoll that said this a couple years ago. He said, you know, you can be a good CPA and sleep around and still be a good CPA. But you can't be a good usher and sleep around. You can't be a good Sunday school teacher and sleep around. You can't be in any kind of ministry and sleep around because ministry is a character profession. The next thing he says is that a spiritual leader must be the husband of one wife. What's interesting to me, and different denominations have different interpretations of that, whether or not a man with a divorce in his background can be in leadership, that's not my issue this morning.

My issue is this. When it says that he must be the husband of one wife in the Greek, gentlemen, in the original language, it literally reads this, he must be a one-woman kind of man. That is so pregnant with meaning for all of us that we are called. You say, well, Steve, I don't want to be a deacon of my church.

I don't want to be an elder. That's fine, but if you're married to a woman that you love and you love Jesus Christ, you need to be a one-woman kind of man. And I think, guys, there are five ways that we do that. There are five things that I work on every day of my life to be a one-woman kind of man. Let me give these to you.

This is called application. Number one, I'm to be a one-woman kind of man with my mind, with my thought life. Oscar Wilde once said, I can resist anything except temptation.

Well, Oscar had a problem. But you know what the apostle Paul said? Paul said, we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. You see, gentlemen, when temptation comes, it comes in the thought life. When temptation comes, the enemy fires those darts.

He tries to get us thinking along the wrong path. Some of you guys do some traveling, as I do. Let's say I go to Spokane, Washington.

Nobody knows me in Spokane. I get in, check into the hotel late, get up the next morning, go down to the coffee shop. On my way to the coffee shop, I stop to get a paper. But that newsstand, the newspaper is surrounded by pornographic literature. Or I go back to my room and there's a television set. On that television set is a card advertising paid movies.

At least three, four, five are pornographic. Who would know if I were to grab that pornographic magazine? Who would know if I were to hit the wrong channel and watch that? Let me ask you something. How do you know last night that I wasn't in my room watching pornography because I'm telling you it was available? Well, you don't know. I want to tell you guys something. God knows, but my wife doesn't know, my kids don't.

Now, my son Josh knows because he was with me. But when I'm by myself, nobody knows. Gentlemen, here's the principle. Reputation is what people think you are. Character is what you are when no one else is around. We need to be men of godly character.

That's hard to do. If you're struggling with pornography, let me just bottom line this thing. And the thing about it is pornography is insatiable. The more you get, the more you want. You can never get your fill.

If you're struggling with pornography, can I bottom line this for you? If you want to get over that, if you want to deal with that, James says this. And this is not comfortable, this is what the word of God says. James says, confess your sins one to another and pray for one another that you may be healed. If you need a buddy in your life that you can trust, that will not tell anyone this in total confidence. It may be your pastor, it may be your friend, but you need to shoot straight with a buddy telling your problem. You need to make yourself accountable. You guys lock arms, and I'm going to tell you something. The two are stronger than one, and by the power of God, you'll defeat the enemy in that habitual sin in your life.

C.S. Lewis once said, if you look upon ham and eggs and lust, you've already committed breakfast in your heart. I love that because that really brings me to the second point.

Number two, I'm going to be a one-woman kind of man with my eyes, with my eyes. Any of you guys remember a group from the 50s called the Flamingos? They sang a song, they only had one hit, I believe.

The song was, I Only Have Eyes For You. Great song. She bop, she bop, ooh, she bop, she bop. Why don't we stand and sing that together? We'll sing the first and the fourth verse.

No, I'm just kidding, I've always wanted to say that. Hey, you know what, it's a great song because here's what the guy says in the song. He says, are the stars out tonight?

I can't tell if it's cloudy or bright because I only have eyes for you. And then he goes on and says this, my love is a special kind of blind love. I can't see anyone else but you.

She bop, she bop. Gentlemen, that ought to be the theme song of every Christian husband in this stadium. I Only Have Eyes For You. Job said this in the Old Testament. Job said, I have made a covenant with my eyes that I will not gaze upon a young woman in lust. Let me ask you something, my friend.

Have you made that covenant? Say, Steve, that's tough. I know it's tough. Hey, we'll be driving in your car and some gal will be walking down the street wearing something she shouldn't be wearing. Well, you know what our natural reaction is, you know what our natural tendency is? Our natural tendency is to look and then to dwell and to continue to look. But listen, I need to be a one-woman kind of man with my mind and with my eyes. What I've got to do is what Paul told Timothy. He said, Timothy, discipline yourself for godliness. I've got to get control of my eyes, gentlemen, so that when I see that gal, I've got to get on the offensive. I've got to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

And what I have to do is go against my natural instinct. When President Reagan was shot, you've seen the videotape as I have hundreds of times. He was coming out of the Hilton in DC. Shots rang out. When shots ring out, what's the natural reaction? You hit the deck. Everybody did that except two Secret Service agents.

The agent behind Mr. Reagan put him down in the limo. You remember that other agent standing off to the side, the earpiece? He's standing there.

They played it in slow motion. The shots ring out. He closes his eyes in response. But then he went against his natural reaction, and instead of hitting the deck, he turned towards the shot, takes the shot. My question is, why did that Secret Service agent go against his natural instinct?

Because he had disciplined himself and trained himself. We must do the same thing in the spiritual arena so that when you see that gal wearing something she shouldn't be wearing by the power of Christ within you, you do what doesn't come naturally. By the power of Christ, you steal yourself and you look away. You look away.

You look the other way because you're a man of God. This is important stuff, guys. Not too long ago. Well, it was a couple... It was long ago now.

It was about four years ago. My subscription to Sports Illustrated had run out. And they were offering this Michael Jordan, Larry Bird video.

And it was football season. I needed to get SI. So I called up the 800 number and I said, yeah, I want to order all this. And the lady had her spiel and she said, yes, Mr. Farrar, for the price of this, we'll send you 32 weeks, we'll send you the video, we'll send you the t-shirt, we'll send you the swimsuit edition. And I said, excuse me, ma'am.

She said, yes. I said, don't send me the swimsuit edition. She said, what? I said, don't send me the swimsuit edition, please.

She said, well, sir, I'm not sure we can do that. I said, have you got a computer there? She said, yeah.

Do you have a delete key? Yeah. I said, you can do it.

She said, well, this is highly irregular. I said, I'm sure it is, but I don't want the swimsuit edition. Please don't send it to me. Guess what?

They sent it to me. And the mail was on the kitchen counter. And as I came home, the mail was there, and on the top was the Sports Illustrated with some gal in a swimsuit.

You know what was interesting? My daughter Rachel came up to me, and she, with a concerned look on her face, and she said, Daddy, you're not going to look at that, are you? I said, sweetheart, I'm not going to look at it. And you know what, Rachel?

I asked them not to send it to me. You know what, guys? Our daughters need to have daddies that will show them the priority of sexual purity in their lives. Your daughters need to know that you're a one-woman kind of man, and your boys need to know you're a one-woman kind of man. You know, gentlemen, there are little eyes that are watching us every day of our lives, aren't they? And you know, your boys see if you look. Let me tell you something, we need boys in America who have dads that don't look. We need boys in America who have dads that they know in their heart their dad is thoroughly and totally committed to their mother.

If you want your boys and you want your daughters to grow up and have godly marriages, then you show them what a godly marriage looks like. That's our job, gentlemen. We're the point men.

We're the leaders. Number three, I'm to be a one-woman kind of man with my lips, with my lips. What that means is simply this, I'm careful what I say to other women. You're a man of God.

You're a promise keeper. So let me tell you what that means. You don't make sexual innuendos.

You're not a flirt at the office. You don't tell jokes that you shouldn't be telling. You ever heard a guy say, you know, I shouldn't tell this story?

Well then don't. If you shouldn't tell it, then don't tell it. Gentlemen, we need to be pure and clean with our speech.

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth. Number four, I'm to be a one-woman kind of man with my hands, with my hands. What that means is simply this, this is very easy, I'm careful how I touch other women. When I was in seminary, there was a deacon in our church who was also a greeter at the front door. And every time a woman, a good looking woman under 35 would walk in, he would become anointed.

But he wasn't anointed by the Holy Spirit of God, he was anointed by a wrong spirit and he would hug these women. What he would do is maul them and embarrass them and embarrass his wife and quite frankly, several years later when he ran off with another woman, I wasn't surprised because he never was a one-woman kind of man with his hands. Gentlemen, we ought to be so clean with our lips, with our hands that if the charge of sexual harassment were ever leveled against us, our co-workers would fall to the ground in hysterical laughter. They'd say, not that guy, he's so clean, that guy's a one-woman kind of man.

That's what we need to be, guys. Here's the last one, I'm going to be a one-woman kind of man with my feet, with my feet. Because somewhere I read, flee immorality.

Have you read that? Yeah, flee immorality. Well, how do you flee?

You use your feet. I was talking with a young guy in Dallas not too long ago, he had a new job, he was about 30, went to Atlanta with his boss on a business trip just for the day. His boss was about 50, they were with a client who was about 50, he'd just been on this job a week or two. After a full day, the client said, you guys have been so great, I want to take you to dinner. Let me take you to my favorite place.

They said, great. They get in his car, they pull up in front of this high-class gentleman's club, a topless bar. They get out and the guy realizes what's going on. He says to his boss, he says, you know, I think I'll just go back to the hotel. His boss says, oh, no, no, hey, come on, we'll have a good time. He says, no, I just think I'll go back to the hotel. His boss looks him in the eye and says, it's very important that you be with us tonight on this meeting. This young guy looked at his boss and he said, sir, I can't go in there because if I go in there, I'm going to violate the vow that I made to my wife on my wedding day and I can't do it.

I'm going back to the hotel. A lot of guys wouldn't do that, they'd say — a lot of guys would say, you know what, he might fire me. Well, let him fire you. The Lord Jesus will get you a job, my friend, because you're a one-woman kind of man. Hey, guys, we're going to face situations.

We're going to face situations where we're going to have to flee immorality this week. You say, well, Steve, what should I do? And listen, hey, let me tell you something, the Holy Spirit will tell you what to do. Your wife will love you for it.

Your kids will thank you for it. And I'm going to tell you guys something, the Lord Jesus Christ will bless your life beyond belief. You say, Steve, how do I know he'll bless me?

Let me tell you why. Because the eyes of the Lord roam to and fro about the earth, looking for those whose hearts are fully his, that he may strongly support them. Gentlemen, let's be those men to the glory of our great God. What a powerful ending to a dynamic two-part presentation by Steve Farrar on today's episode of Focus on the Family.

He was speaking to a stadium of over 50,000 men at a Promise Keepers event in Charlotte, North Carolina. And, John, I appreciate how Steve Farrar takes scriptural principles and updates them for the situations we men face today. But as Solomon said in Ecclesiastes, there's nothing new under the sun.

Isn't that so true? Sexual temptation has been around for a long time, like about as long as humans have been around, and it always will be until Jesus returns. You know, whether we like it or not, God made us guys to be visual creatures. Even in the Bible, we have the story of Solomon's father, David, gazing lustfully at Bathsheba on her rooftop. Men are aroused by visual images.

Just a glance can lead to a stare and then to lustful thoughts, and then wanting to act on those fantasies. But Steve's illustration of Secret Service agents is a perfect example of what can be done. We can teach ourselves to overcome our predispositions.

Those agents are trained to override their natural instinct to duck when there is a gunshot, and instead to turn toward the sound and put themselves between the shooter and the person they're guarding. So if Secret Service agents can be trained in that way, we can also train ourselves to not entertain lustful thoughts. It's not an excuse, and Christian men have an advantage there because we can ask the Lord for His strength to do that. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10, 13, no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind, and God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you're tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. That's a promise we can all claim. And Jim, that promise came home to me as a new believer in Christ many years ago. Somebody brought that very same scripture to me, 1 Corinthians 10, 13, and he said, you ought to memorize that, John, that's going to help you out in a lot of circumstances.

Well there's hope in that. There is, yes, and I keep going back to it, because temptation is in a variety of forms and packages, a variety of ways. Some guys are listening, they're going to hold on to that truth, I hope, from 1 Corinthians, and say, yeah, God help me not be tempted beyond anything I can endure right now.

Oh right. Well, you know, that reminds me of a story from Pastor Raul Rees of Calvary Chapel, Golden Springs in Southern California. I have met Raul a couple times, but he is such a powerful speaker, and he was speaking at a men's event to a crowd of about 1,400 men, and he felt led to start his presentation by saying, listen, if you're struggling in the area of pornography, I could hear him saying it now, I want you to come down to the front of the auditorium and rededicate your life to the Lord, and ask him to forgive you of this sin. And half of the men, about 700 of them, got up and walked down and sobbed on that stage and gave that sin over to the Lord. And that shows the degree of the problem.

Pornography preys on that craving that is so basic to who we are as men, and we need to make a daily effort to flee those lusts and control those passions. Yeah, that's so true, Jim, and for those who are struggling with that right now, let me just say, if you're thinking, I need help, we have help here at Focus on the Family. In addition to this really powerful message from Steve Farrar, we have other resources for you as well, including caring Christian counselors who are safe to talk to. If you've never shared that part of your life with somebody, give us a call, we'll connect you with a like-minded counselor in your local area, if that's helpful.

Just get in touch, we'll take your name and number, and we'll give you a call back as soon as possible. But we want to be here for you so you can bring the light to bear on this part of your life. That's great, Jon, and those free counseling consultations are just one example of how Focus on the Family is standing in the gap for marriages and providing hope to families. Our free online marriage assessment tool can help you identify the strengths and, yes, the weaknesses of your relationship. Almost one million people have taken the assessment since 2016, and we are so grateful to be able to provide those insights and then supply those follow-up resources to strengthen your marriages. And for marriages in more serious trouble, we offer our Hope Restored four-day intensives, which have an over 80% success rate when we survey those couples two years later. Hope Restored is truly an answer to prayer for those desperate couples.

But we can't do this work alone. We need your financial partnership, your prayers for this ministry as well. So please donate today, pray for us today, and when you give, we'll say thank you by sending you a CD of this entire message from Steve Farrar for a donation of any amount. Yeah, and you can reach us when you call 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-64 or request your CD of Steve's message to share with a friend. All the details are in the show notes. And when you're online with us, be sure to look for a link to a podcast hosted by Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley here from Focus on the Family.

It's a six-episode series called No Porn Marriage, and you're going to learn about the impact of pornography on our culture and on our marriages and how to rebuild trust in your relationship if you've struggled with porn. Well, have a great weekend, and be sure to join us on Monday as we hear from Jodi Berndt. She'll be explaining how abiding in Christ can improve your walk as a believer. So you talk about the benefits to abiding, certainly we get filled up with that connection, that love, that relationship with Christ, but we also get to become people who can make a difference in our world because we are the branches that bear the fruit. We're the ones that dispense His blessing and provision in the lives of the people around us. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for this Focus on the Family podcast.

Take a moment, please, and give a rating for this show. Makes it easier for others to find this great content, and then tell a friend to listen in next time, won't you? And we'll thank you in advance for doing that. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers. I was so done.

I had reached my breaking point. I was desperate for a shred of hope, so I called the Hope Restored team at Focus on the Family. They listened to me and they asked about what was happening in my marriage. They encouraged me and my wife to attend one of their marriage intensives for couples in crisis and they prayed with us. They helped me believe that my marriage could be saved. I agreed to go, but was very skeptical that anything could help us.

But the whole environment was so safe and non-judgmental. I felt my heart start to open up as we worked with the counselors. Both of us still have work to do in our marriage, but for the first time in a long time, we have hope again. Focus on the Family's Hope Restored Marriage Intensive Program has helped thousands of couples who thought that their marriage was over. Find out which program is right for you at HopeRestored.com.