Connecting With Your Teen Daughter

It really matters that we keep a pulse in their lives. That there's a lot at stake if our teenagers are struggling and we don't have that relationship in place to be able to sense that something's wrong.

And they might be acting out, it might come out as anger or something else. But really trying to build that bridge to them so that they know they can come to us and that we can show them God's love and help them get through these struggles they're going through. That's Kari Kampakis and she's with us today on Focus on the Family.

Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. I want to speak to the moms because you have a powerful influence for your children's lives. I see it through my wife Jean with our boys and it's amazing how much influence Jean has with our kids.

In any relationship it takes intentionality and care in marriage, in parenting, the relationships all around you. Here at Focus on the Family we want to remind you that God has equipped you to be your daughter's mother and we're going to concentrate on that theme today with our guests. I think it's a wonderful way to see your role as mom and what you're there to do and we're going to unpack all of that and we want to help you be the best mom you can be and we know your heart is there. I talk to some dads, yeah, I want to do okay. Moms never say that.

Moms are like, I want to be perfect and we're going to discuss how to be better today. And Carrie Campakis is with us. She's a blogger and a speaker from Birmingham, Alabama and she and her husband Harry have four girls, Ella, Sophie, Marie Claire and Camille and she's written a number of books. One we're going to look at today ties right into what you were talking about, Jim. It's called Love Her Well, 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter. And of course we have copies of that here.

Call 800-AFAMILY 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes where we'll have the link. Carrie, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thanks for having me.

I'm actually excited to talk to you about this because it's out of my space. I have two boys. I am not raising girls. I have my wife, Jean, who was a wonderful daughter. I actually asked her this today because I, you know, I said, what kind of daughter were you? And she said, oh, I was a pretty good daughter. But she reminded me of a story where she wrote Dear Abby when she was like 14 or 15 complaining that her mom would not let her date until she was 16 and how upset she was about that because she's such a good daughter. She could trust me to date early.

I'm not going to mess up. And she said it was so hormonal. And I said, well, man, is that the normal thing? So let's just start there. I mean, with that teen daughter, is there just a lot of hormones going on?

There is. I just think with any teenagers, and especially when it's your first child, that you don't you don't really see it coming because you don't know. I can say now with my fourth child getting there, I know a little bit what to expect. But with that first one, and I think you're also coming out of that sweet spot of parenting, they're out of diapers or sleeping through the night.

They're easy. They're pretty capable of taking care of themselves. You know, that nine to 11 year old range. And then all of a sudden they are being thrown into puberty and hormones.

A lot of social shake ups. We now have social media they're dealing with and their brains are not fully developed, as we all know. And so it really it can be hard because they might do something like your your wife did that's pretty out of character. And as moms, you know, when you hear about that, it's hard not to feel that rejection or take it personally. And it really is important to know that this is normal for that stage of life, that they're learning and growing just as we're learning and growing.

But how to balance loving them through the teenage years with also parenting them through the teenage years. Right. And it's so easy to go that direction. Talk about all the difficulties, right? Dealing with this all of a sudden my daughter was crying.

I didn't know why. When you look back raising four daughters, you're still in that. I mean, you're still active raising these wonderful girls. What's been one of the high points for you?

Let's let's really start there. What's been something you look back on and go, wow, that that was really good. You know, I think the high point of teenagers is just getting to know them as people and realizing that they're not a child anymore. That I'm seeing their adult personality and being able to have some deep conversations and just the laughter. And, you know, there are moments I've even been with all my daughters in the car and they all have different personalities. And I felt like this feels like a road trip I used to take with my college girlfriends where everybody has a different personality and they're chiming in and they all their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. But it just the group dynamic is so fun.

And that's the fun part to me is that it's so different than when they were little. And I think that's what we're trying to capture as parents are those high points and those joys and those moments we feel connected. And we feel like we're building a strong family bonds that we really want. And I'm going to over this time, we're going to unfold that together. And I'm looking forward to that because I know where this is going.

The listeners have to hang tight because that's the goal. I mean, you want to be not only your adult child's parent, but you need to transition to being their friend. And that is a good thing. It's not a bad thing when your grown child says, hey, it's great being your friend. That's wonderful. I just had that experience with Trent. He said the other night it was such a touching thing. He goes, Dad, I just I just love the fact that we're friends and we have a lifetime of friendship together now. I was like, wow. But while raising kids can be difficult, we touch on that.

There are those challenges. I love the story, the bare knuckle story of your husband coming home and finding you sobbing in a closet. Everybody's going, what? What happened? And what did that teach you? Yes. Well, this was my oldest daughter's 19. So this was when she was 13. And keep in mind that since she was a baby, I've been hearing that script or your baby's so beautiful, but just wait until she's a teenager.

You're in for it. And when you have four daughters, you hear that over and over. Just that narrative, that negative narrative in the world. And I didn't really buy into it. And I was thinking my girls won't be that way. But what happened was, as she started to become a teenager and the normal things started to happen and our relationship started to change, I started to blame it on her. I'm like, oh, those moms were right. And my response was, I got to show these girls who's boss. I've got to dig in my heels. And I just was like, you know, her attitudes got to go.

Her sass has got to go. And I wasn't looking at myself. But what happened was it just created this gulf between us. And I don't even remember what we were fighting over.

That's how silly the arguments were. But it had been a couple of months and I hadn't even shared it with my husband because I kept thinking this will pass. She'll she'll start listening to me again.

We'll get that close relationship back. You know, naive new mom and and things were just getting worse. And we had a fight one day before school and she went to school and I was just I was about to apologize.

And I'm like, nope, I'm not apologizing. And then it was an hour later, my house was quiet. And I think that's when God's spirit was really able to speak to me. And I just started having all this regret for our relationship.

And I was I realized I was like this gulf between us is getting bigger. And I just fell to my knees in my closet, just crying. And the irony was I was writing books for teenage girls at the time. I'd written two books for teenage girls. I was traveling all over speaking to these moms and these teenage girls, you know, being called an expert, which I didn't feel like. And so, I mean, I remember being in my closet thinking nobody can ever know about this, this rock bottom parenting moment. But it was really the moment where I humbled myself and I just let God open my eyes to the problem was really me and how I was responding to her.

And I was making the problem worse. Carrie, let me get into that a little bit on behalf of the many moms listening right now saying, no, they are sassy. They are fussy. They are emotional.

It is their fault. How do you come to that realization that you can only control you? I mean, this is true of raising boys, too. You've got to come to that parenting moment where you go, OK, I can't control them. Right.

What do you think the Lord looks down upon us with? Man, I cannot control these creatures I made. Right. I mean, it's very similar. I think that's the whole metaphor. I think that's what the Lord has done here for us, especially as parents, as we look at these rascals and they're not behaving the way we want them to behave. But the reality is there is a lot of pain in that. And not everybody has that closet revelation, if I could call it that, where you come to a point where you're saying, OK, I got to work on me because that's all I can do. Right. So what advice do you have for that mom that's still shouting at us right now saying, you don't know my daughter?

Right. I think the first point to be able to do that, I call it the fearless self inventory. You have to really feel secure and know God's love for you. And I had to really to be able to look at myself and just admit like this is where I'm failing, that I'm reacting to her. And I realized that it was my pride, that it was my pride getting in the way because I wanted to look like a superstar mom. And, you know, up until that point, I kind of had she was a pretty compliant child. And so suddenly our relationship was changing. And I just blamed it on her. But I wasn't looking at when she got sassy, I was sassy back. I was just mirroring her reaction. And I could look back and say, I'm acting like a 16 year old. You know, I'm not acting like the adult in this situation. Ouch.

Yes. No, it's so true. It's so true. And I think I was taking some of those things we do when they're little. You know, when they're little, we are pretty blunt. Don't run in the street.

Don't do this, you know. And we take those same parenting strategies into the teenage years. And it doesn't always translate. It doesn't always or never translate. Never translate. So we can't, we have to parent in a new way. And sometimes we have to go in the back door. We have to find ways to speak the truth in love. And what really helped me during that time that I was struggling.

I was like, this is my, I got to search. How do I parent her but also love her and not lose this relationship at the very time that I want it the most in the teenage years. Yeah, without a doubt. In fact, one of the strategies you talk about in Love Her Well is this idea of well-timed communication. Now, you know, when I was reading that, I was thinking, okay, this, this takes effort. So I think at one level, speak to the fact that you have to be intentional about these moments. You have to be aware of them. It does take intuitiveness to say, okay, I got to think about this and then talk about the timely communication.

What does that look like? Yes. It's funny with each book I write, there's always a chapter or story that readers relate to the most. And that first chapter is choose your words and your timing carefully.

And that's the number one chapter and story, the opening story that readers relate to. And they say, I saw myself in that situation. And basically, I think as moms, sometimes we have a thought or we see something we need to correct or our child needs to work on. And if they're like me, if I'm like, if I don't say it now, I'll forget. And, you know, you feel this pressure to get it right because they'll be leaving home in a few years.

So you want to try to help shape them the way you want to. But sometimes it's not the best timing to say something or the best way to say something. So then you talk to your husband.

I know how this works, but no, I'm serious. I mean, that's part of the issue, too. You decide to talk to your husband about it and he's going, why don't you talk to our daughter? Right. Exactly. I'm like, I need you to help me here. But the story I used in the book was I had a daughter. She was having a breakout on her face. But we were in the car having this great conversation, just the kind of conversations you want to have with your teenager playing the music.

It was a beautiful day. And we parked the car and I look over and all of a sudden what stands out to me is the sunlight's on her face and her acne is flared up. And so I'm starting to ask her, like moms do, are you using your acne medication? And I stopped myself. And I know it was God stopping me because I had done the same thing a few months earlier.

And I know my daughter, she's very responsible. She wanted this acne to be gone more than anybody else. It was a sensitive subject. We've been trying all these creams for several months. And when I'd asked her a few months earlier if she'd been using her medication, she said, yes, I know my face looks terrible. And I just saw her look.

She just totally was a downer. And I thought to myself, if I say this now, I know she's using her creams. It's just totally going to undo that moment we just had in the car.

So I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just wait. And she got out of the car happy that memory was saved. And I was, I learned a lesson that like, I didn't have to say that then. I could save that conversation for later and find the right time to do it. I'm smiling because I just did that the other night with one of my sons. The Lord didn't stop me. Or maybe he tried and I didn't hear him.

But it's exactly the same thing. It was like, are you washing your face? You know, so a couple of times I have stopped, but now I will stop.

Thank you for that admonition. Are you thinking of anything? But it's so true as parents, you know, yeah, we're jumping on things. You know, I know that, you know, think of that teen acne. They're not aware of it. Right, exactly. And I found sometimes I know, I'm like, this conversation needs to be had, but God give me the words. Like what's a way I can kind of, kind of gently, subtly slide into this conversation without them getting defensive. Because I know it's a sensitive subject.

Yeah. Let me ask you this. And again, I don't have the experience, so help me understand it. But I've read, you know, a lot of data on this. When moms and daughters are fighting, whatever that may look like, there tends to be this reconciliation. They may be sobbing together and then bang, they're hugging. Oh, I'm so sorry.

And that happens over some period of time. With boys, with moms, what I read often in some of the literature is boys just take it as shame if a mom is correcting them. And look me in the eye. And boys don't want to look you in the eye because it's shameful. I did something wrong. I disappointed you.

And they kind of cocoon. Where it sounds like daughters, you can get through it. It's just another spat. Right, yes. Is that accurate on the daughter side? Is that kind of how it works?

Yes. I think, and something that's really helped, I guess, inspire me and empower me is just knowing the importance of conflict resolution. And really realizing, we know we've all been parenting a long time, that in any long-term relationship, whether it's with your child or your marriage, you're going to have some conflict. And if there's not conflict, you might not be honest with each other. But, you know, there's all this research that says, is it John Gottman, who's America's top couples therapist? He said the number one predictor of success in marriage is how well two people can work through conflict. Right.

And I took that into parenting my daughter, instead of being so scared every time we had conflict, is teach her healthy ways to work through this because I see this in my work with teen girls, these friendships that end because they get mad at each other and they can't resolve the conflict. Right. Or they can't express how they were hurt or they express it in an unhealthy way and it just ruins their relationships.

Yeah. And I'm like, nobody's really teaching them that. But this has consequences for their marriage, for their career, for every relationship in the future. So I started thinking, you know, in my relationship with my daughter, this is unconditional love.

Even if she gets it wrong, she's not going to lose my love. And so what better place to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way than when we do fight? So that kind of gives some meaning to your arguments. Yeah, I was going to ask you and I should have a moment ago, which was how do you not let yourself be triggered to act like that 16 year old with your 16 year old? You start this fight. Right.

What do you think about when your emotions are tempted? How do you back up and say, okay, let me be the adult in the room as you described it? Right. Well, I think, you know, I think you've alluded to this too. Sometimes we have to fail to get it right the next time, get it wrong first and then say, okay, next time I'm going to respond differently.

I know better. I'm going to do it differently. So that's helped me is just admitting to my daughter, I messed up. I'm going to work on this. And then in the future, trying to do it differently.

And if I don't, if I fail, which I do, apologizing again, but just really trying to get it right. And I also think that and I do think this is one way that moms fail themselves is that we are not keeping ourselves in fighting condition. That sometimes we're not in a strong place that that makes us really reactive to what our kids are doing. So the older I get, the more I'm like, you know, my friendships and my relationships with my husband and the other people who love me. That's like a form of self-care because these are the people that build me up, that help me stay strong for when I do turn around and love my daughter and try to keep loving her even when she's not acting very lovable. Yeah. I mean, that's a good point. When your bucket is empty, what are you going to respond with?

Probably something very empty as well. Some great insights today from Carrie Campakis on Focus on the Family. And we're so glad to have her here talking about some of the content in her book, Love Her Well. Ten ways to find joy and connection with your teenage daughter. And you can find details about getting your copy of that book.

The links are in the show notes. Carrie, I probably should ask this a while ago, but describe the world, especially for someone like Jean and me with no daughters. What is the world like for a teen girl today?

It just breaks my heart. And I think that is really that is something that can help mothers soften toward their daughters is what we're seeing on the outside, that hardness or that edginess. Usually they're struggling on the inside. But, you know, I say the number one email and phone call I get is just girls struggling with friendship. I think they live in an age of disposable friendships. And, you know, for the teenage years, especially for girls, friends are like oxygen. So when something goes wrong in that area of life, it is devastating. So they're having these friendship struggles, anxiety.

You know, you talk to any counselor, you can't even get into the counselor now because anxiety has become such an issue, especially since the quarantine. Not only with teenage girls, but teenage boys, too. Depression, the suicide rate for teenage girls, I think is the highest it's been in 40 years. And so that's one thing I just want to really encourage parents is that it really matters that we keep a pulse in their lives, that there's a lot at stake.

If our teenagers are struggling and we don't have that relationship in place to be able to sense that something's wrong and they might be acting out, it might come out as anger or something else. But really trying to build that bridge to them so that they know they can come to us and that we can show them God's love and help them get through these struggles they're going through. And that is so good. In preparing our kids for adulthood, you suggest a few things like talking about the five-second decision.

I really like that. Describe the five-second decision. Yes. And I learned that through experience that sometimes we parents are put on the spot. You know, your child comes to you and they've got three friends with them.

They ask you, can I spend the night at so-and-so's house? And you've got five seconds to make a decision. And you're thinking, I don't know so-and-so.

I don't know the parents. I don't know what kind of environment that might be. But also talking to our children and saying that you're going to be in these situations where you have these five-second decisions and to really pre-decide what you want to do. So it might be you're at a party and somebody offers you a drink. You've got five seconds to make that decision and it's going to feel awkward.

But how do you get through that awkwardness and try to do the right thing? Another example from a mother standpoint, I had a friend that she was at the lake with her daughter and a bunch of their friends. I think that they were 14-year-old girls. No, I guess the girls were older. They were 16 because the boys were driving the boat. But these two boys in their class pulled up and asked the girls if they wanted to go riding with them. And so my friend was like, my husband and I had to step away for a minute because one, we don't know what kind of drivers these boys are.

We're responsible for all these girls. And this mom knew that the boys had just been busted for drinking by their mother. And so she's like, we had that five-second decision and they decided not to let the girls go, which is so hard because you hate to be that parent. You know your child will be embarrassed and mad at you. But I think as we learn to make those five-second decisions as parents and kind of stand strong, it helps model that for our children to do the same thing in their life too. Sure, that's good. And yeah, that works for daughters and sons.

That's just a good rule of thumb in my opinion. How do you pray for your daughters? I know how I pray for sons, but what role does faith play in your home and how do you pray for them?

It's huge. I pray for them all the time. When they were little, I probably did more praying over them when they were young and I was tucking them into bed. Now I do a lot of prayers throughout the day. And I have one daughter that's in college, so I'm praying for her, just her safety and protection and good people coming into her life. But I just really pray. I've learned I can pray at a five-second prayer if I'm worried about something, if there's something that's making me anxious, just sending that prayer up to God. But yeah, I just realized I've got two kids with food allergies. One of them had an allergic reaction last week with me coming out of town.

I mean, my husband's with me. That created a lot of anxiety in me the past few days. And so I just have really had to lean into my prayer life and my faith. And God, please protect them, especially if I'm not there, give them the tools that they might need.

So I don't really have a system, but I just continually through the day as they come to mind or as I'm having quiet time, I think of specific prayers that I think might be helpful. Let's talk about the positive side you just mentioned. What are a few ways that you can enjoy your teen girl and the teen girl years? Yes. Everybody's leaning in now. Seriously, you can enjoy this?

Yes. They're so fun. I mean, just their energy and excitement. And it doesn't take much to make them happy.

And that's what's so cool about a teenager is that you don't have to plan some fancy trip. It's just these little daily gestures that mean a lot. I talked to a girl whose mother passed away a few years ago and she was sharing her best memories with her mom. And she said she danced.

And so so many great memories were made as they were traveling to these dance competitions. But her mom would also do things like if she knew she had a hard week at school or she had a big test day that she'd have her favorite Greek salad waiting for at home. Just that little act of love, like I know you, I see you and I'm proud of you. She said one time she went on a trip with her friends and her mom, she opened her suitcase at the beach and her mom had packed a new blouse in her suitcase and some snacks for the friends. And so I think it's just those little things like that, that, you know, we see our daughters were like, you are smart and kind and beautiful. We see how amazing they are, but they don't see that about themselves, that they are surrounded by girls who are smart and kind and beautiful. And so just being singled out like that and then that that they are so loved by their parents and showing God's love that way. But I think just knowing their heart, too, if they love icees or, like I said, Greek salads or acai bowls or queso, I think queso is always a huge hit for teenagers.

You know that all their friends are coming to your house after they've been out, have some snacks out, their favorite foods, just little things like that. Right here at the end, you mentioned in the book some core beliefs about parenting. I think it'd be great for the listeners, the viewers to hear those.

What are they? Well, a few of them are, one, parenting is too big and challenging for parents to handle alone and God didn't create us to handle it alone. He is there to support us and we also need community to go through it with us.

I like that. Another big one is that, you know, we know what God wants. He wants unity and harmony in our relationships. We have an enemy who wants to destroy our relationships and a lot of times when we feel that tension with our daughter that he might be at work there playing up our pride or other things.

The Greek word for devil is diablos and it means the one who divides. So I've had to know if I'm feeling division that he might be kind of tinkering up something here and to really lean into my faith and pray for God to help guide me to make the right choices. Another important one is to know that every child and every parent is just one decision away from falling off a cliff. Every child is just one decision away from making their parents look like the worst parents on earth. And as we remember that, we're less likely to judge other parents whose kids have messed up. We're more likely to show mercy and, you know, to walk through these, the fallouts with our children when they mess up because we've got to admit that they're human and we're all sinful and we all need a savior.

Yeah. And that's probably the biggest parenting point of all is that we're not meant to do this alone. And even our failures, because God is so good, he can use them for redemption and restoration and just let us show the love of Christ to our children and to others. I mean, the story I started the book with about me failing, I plan to never tell to anybody. And yet five years later is the opening to a book.

And to me, I'm like, God is so good. I never would have thought that this is where that story would go. And Carrie, I think, you know, the last obvious question is for that mom where their relationship is broken.

No, she's headed into the closet with all that emotion and the tears of what is going on in this relationship. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. And she just seems to hate me. What do you suggest to her to begin to change that?

Right. I just suggest that just to keep being proactive. Keep loving your daughter, keep showing love, even if it's not reciprocated. But to do that, the mom has to be in a good place. Sometimes we're relying on our daughters to make us feel good to give that love back and they're not or our sons. And so that's why we've got to have the love of our spouse or if we're not married, our friends or our therapist or our parents or our co-workers to really invest in building a strong community of people who see the good in you, who encourage you, who know how hard you're trying, even though your child does it. And just to pray, ask God, like, God, you see my faithfulness and I'm just trusting you with this child and our relationship and just praying for the restoration there. But don't give up on your child or yourself or God. Just keep doing that because children are typically not going to come to us saying, I want to have a stronger relationship, that it really is up to us as parents to build that bridge and just to keep trying. And one day, hopefully her daughter, you know, 20 years from now might be like, wow, my mom must have really loved me. You know, once she's in a more mature place to say that she kept loving me and trying, even though I was being salty to her. Yeah, that's good advice, Carrie. And this has been so good, I hope encouraging to the moms in the audience and wherever they're at. Maybe they're just in front of the teenage years or maybe they're now into the 20 somethings and they need to do some repair work. This is an excellent resource, your book, Love Her Well.

I mean, that is, I think that's God's heart for your relationship with your daughter as well. And of course, we have something here at Focus, Jon, Brio Magazine for Teen Girls. You know, a few years ago, we had to suspend that. We brought it back and it's a great tool when I'm traveling and talking to audiences. So many young women come up and will say to me, you know, I'm a subscriber to Brio and thank you for that magazine. It meant so much to me. And so I'd encourage you to consider getting a subscription to Brio Magazine for your teen girl.

And then also, obviously, Carrie's great book, Love Her Well. If you can make a gift to Focus on the family of any amount, we'll send it as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. If you can't afford it, we say this often, Jon, we want you to have this. So just get in touch with us.

We're going to trust that others will cover that expense of ministering to you. So thank you for your support in advance. And Carrie, thank you so much for being with us. Thank you.

This was awesome. I've loved. Like I said, I've loved your ministry for so long. Praise God.

Yes. I mean, you just do wonderful work. Both of you. Well, thank you. Well, we so appreciate that. And you can get in touch with us here at Focus on the family by calling 800 the letter A in the word family 800-232-6459. Or check out the episode notes to donate and get that book or to sign up for Brio Magazine. And next time, we'll have Dr. Catherine Butler here offering a biblical perspective on end of life decisions. While death was never our original purpose and it is wrong and it's abhorrent and it's the wages of our sin, the cross transforms death from something to be avoided at all costs to something that promises us hope. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. That's Focus on the Family dot com slash family traditions. That's Focus on the Family dot com slash family traditions.