Finding Hope in an Unexpected Pregnancy

It feels impossible. It honestly feels impossible in the moment that you discover you're pregnant that you can go through the next nine to ten months that you can again pour your life out to another child.

It feels so far beyond your ability. Well I'm sure there are many who can identify with those feelings and maybe you know someone who's pregnant but they never plan to have another baby. Today on Focus on the Family we'll have a really honest conversation about surprised children and your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly.

I'm John Fuller. John, there's about six million pregnancies each year. They keep this data and somehow about half, 45%, almost three million are classified as unplanned and I never knew that.

About half of the pregnancies are. That was my story. My mom had me at 42. I was the oops baby. Always introduced. I can remember being four or five years old and my mom saying this is my oops child.

I didn't know why that was special but sometimes it was a little ah what does that mean but it does mean that. This is an accidental pregnancy. One that was unplanned. This wasn't what we were thinking at the end of our child rearing years and it's so often on the broadcast we're talking about teen moms and what they go through, the decisions they have to make hopefully in a pro life context and hopefully parents can help those children make those better choices etc. But we often hear from people who have struggled at the latter end of their childbearing years and they've asked us could you cover this sometime and we're gonna do it today.

Yeah there's a whole another set of challenges and issues and emotions associated with being an older parent and you're done with diapers and the kids are off in school and you finally get your life back and then uh oh I'm pregnant and there there's just a lot there. There is John and I'm grateful we're gonna cover the topic today. Well Leslie Leland Fields is our guest and she's been here before with us and we're so glad to have her back. She's a former university professor and author and an international speaker and today we'll be talking about one of her books that really is quite powerful. It's called Surprise Child Finding Hope in Unexpected Pregnancy and we do have copies of that here.

The link is in the episode notes. Leslie welcome back. Hi. It's so good to see you again.

I am thrilled to be back. Yeah it's so fun. It really is. Now a lot of people they wouldn't know this either but you and your husband you fish up in Alaska as your other job along with everything else you're doing. It sounds rather exhausting. Well sometimes it is. I really try not to think about it. My life is has these all these different compartments but they're so they all feed each other. I love it.

Salmon, fisherman, university professor, speaker. To me it works. It all works.

You know it all fits together. Well the sun doesn't set up there for a long time. Not in the summer.

Not in the summer. It's good to have you back. Let's jump into the story. You're how old when you and your husband find out oops we're pregnant and what were your emotions? Yeah I was I was 42 and I was teaching I was an English professor at University of Alaska. You were an English professor. I was. Oh my.

Please don't be quite so shocked at that. We're concerned. I've got to speak a little more clearly and grammatically correctly. Don't end with an L Y. I already blew it. Check your adverbs there Jim. My dingling participle. Is that it?

I can't. Anyway so I always get nervous with the English professors nearby. No don't worry I'm not teaching grammar anymore so I've let go of the grammar police. But you're 42 and of course you already have four children. Yeah. And what were their ages about that time? Yeah so the youngest was five and this is a very strong memory hook.

He was just about to enter kindergarten. So that was really exciting because that meant no more you know. You were feeling relief as a head. Yes. You're going to have some time to get back to normal. Right.

Yes. Your then five-year-old would be going to school. He'd be going to school. You'd have three four hours to do things. I would have four hours of my own every day to do my work and so that was the big you know relief at the end of this long tunnel. Four children so they were let's see Elisha was five they were 12 down to five.

Okay. And then yeah I remember not feeling well feeling exhausted and going to the drugstore and picking up that pregnancy test and I remember clearly just standing there looking at that double line and it's it was like no no God this can't be happening. Yeah and so you're taking the test I can't imagine. I mean again this is something my mother went through obviously and yeah right about the same age. So with that I mean when you see that positive stripe what went through your heart? What were your first emotions? Were you happy? No no that's no I was shocked because we were using birth control and we we were done.

We had given away all our baby stuff. We were on to the next chapter of life. Yeah. And so the thought of starting over and I had all those fears I mean in those first few minutes you are crushed with all of these fears and anxieties and you are literally thinking 30 years ahead. I mean I'm literally in those first few moments figuring out okay how old am I gonna be when this child graduates from high school? I'm gonna be in my 60s.

What? And and that means I probably can't retire and that means you know I'm already projecting 30 years ahead in those first five minutes. So you're already feeling like a failed mom before you even have this child. I am yeah and then I feel like a bad mother already because I'm already like I'm resenting this child.

I don't want this child. I'm having all of those negative emotions and you know I had never experienced those emotions before because my other four children were prayed for, were desired, wanted, pursued, planned. Leslie let me ask the question I feel like I'm hearing back through the microphones is you know as a Christian woman someone who puts their faith in Christ some women would be saying why why would you be saying that? Why you know God's blessed you with this child and I appreciate your vulnerability because I think many Christian women and I'll speak just to that audience. Now I know there are non-christians listening. I hope you receive Christ and those good blessings come your way but that honesty is so refreshing. Let's start with God then we'll move to your husband.

We'll keep it in that order. What was that talk like with God? What was he speaking into your heart? What were you wrestling with him about and how did he settle you down?

Or did he? Were you you're just looking straight into my heart into exactly what happened. I did wrestle with God immediately you know all of those fears and anxieties I am aware that God is with me right now in this moment and I'm I'm complaining I'm lamenting I'm saying all these things to him and and yet there's also this very clear sense that oh my goodness God what are you doing? It's not what have we done it's not what mistake have we made it's God what are you doing here? And even as I said that I even had a sense of what the answer was you know I was teaching full-time I had four young children I was so kind of busy and crazy and exhausted and you know in some tiny part of my heart there was a sense of relief of knowing okay God this is what you want huh this is what you want right now.

How long was that process though? I mean was that the first moment? It was the first moment and it didn't necessarily stay with me the whole part of the journey. Oh your emotions got in the way?

Oh pregnant women don't have any of those. Yes we'll get to your husband's response in a second here but that may be a good opportunity how did your husband react what I mean he had to be shocked as well. He was he was and it was the news was hard for him as well you know we're both Christians we've both given our lives to God we both want to follow God and be obedient to God but this was not our plan and we both saw all the long-term consequences of it and it was concerning to my husband because he felt very clearly the the financial repercussions of that and he was thinking wow this probably means we can't retire when we were hoping to retire and so we both shared and I'm so glad this sounds strange but I'm so glad that my husband was as anxious as I was because we could really share our fears together and some husbands might respond beautifully and say oh honey it's okay you know God's got this we're gonna be fine but my husband could join me in that hard place and in that dark place. Well I think we have adequately painted that pain you were in in that moment emotionally and what you're anticipating physically and at that point you were contemplating the giving up of that late career but a year later your child the unplanned one is about a year old and what happens next? Well I did not give up my teaching career I decided all right God I have this wonderful baby Abraham who everyone in my family just absolutely fell in love with him. That happens with the oops baby. Yes and I we're gonna talk more about that that's the really important part right so I went back to teaching I was a crazy woman I shouldn't have done that. But you're trying to make it work juggling all the balls again.

I am trying to make it work because I feel a strong call to teaching it's part of my ministry of serving and loving others and I'm 43 and I am not feeling well and I think maybe it's because I'm teaching an extra class this semester. Well of course I'm tired and you can already guess the end of the story I discover I am pregnant again. I am pregnant again Abraham is a year old I still have a baby and I'm pregnant again.

This why I I mean I was on the floor. So did you ever say to the Lord Lord what did I miss last time that you wanted to teach me this time? I did. Did you ask that question? I did.

I was only guessing but that would be my first question. I did and you know what I actually what I recognized was that the Lord was really was really speaking to me about my priorities and he was I saw really clearly or I didn't get it the first time I went back to teaching and I probably shouldn't have it wasn't the right time to go back to teaching and I knew that God was calling me to step away for a while I didn't know how long for I thought it was for forever. Yeah Leslie one of the things that you mentioned in the book and I again this is extremely vulnerable I appreciate your honesty but with that second oops baby that at 43 you had a thought that crossed your mind what was it? Yeah it was you know and as we're talking I read actually I was 44 I was 44 when I was pregnant that second pregnancy. I it was a really bad time in our lives we were going through so much upheaval my husband's job was in jeopardy our house was going through a not just a remodel it turned out our most of our house was rotten it had to be completely rebuilt so our finances were devastated and I've got five children I've got this baby I'm trying to teach I'm a wreck it just was a really really bad time and now I'm pregnant and that added just an unbearable burden and in those moments I suddenly thought I had this flash like ah this could go away I know that this could go away I could just end this right now before anybody knows I wouldn't even have to tell my husband and so I had that thought I had those moments of where did that go I mean what happened next what convinced you not to move that direction I mean I think people when they're honest with themselves and knowing your situation I mean of course as a pro-life organization as Christians you know we always talk about it never being the right solution but the honesty of having the thought is what I'm really interested in obviously you didn't do it but I guess why the thought and why you didn't do it yeah even within 10 minutes of thinking that thought I mean my soul is in turmoil my mind is in turmoil I am just on the floor before God and I know that this baby isn't mine this child is in my body but this is clearly God's design I'm not happy about it I'm angry about it I don't know how on earth I'm going to make it through another pregnancy but I know that this child doesn't mind to get rid of and I know that God has some kind of purpose and intent through it and that I was going to have to believe that so Leslie what I'm hearing it's so important you know for men and women but particularly women because the burden is on them we can be supportive and we need to be but that mooring that anchor that you were attached to your faith in Christ kept you from making that decision I would think that you recognize this as God's way and it's not it's not wrong it's just inconvenient and terribly disruptive to what I want yeah and at the time and I think every woman experiences this any woman in an unplanned pregnancy experiences this it feels impossible it honestly feels impossible in the moment that you discover you're pregnant that you can go through the next nine to ten months that you can again pour your life out to another child it feels so far beyond your ability and the truth is it is right it is beyond your ability but the Holy Spirit who who lives inside it was was very clear you know this child isn't yours you don't get to decide we you know that's an amazing statement yeah here and to feel yeah as a believer yeah and in some ways it is a relief because you know it's clear what the step forward is yeah the step before it is not what am I going to do about this baby the step forward is okay Lord help me help me through this pregnancy and maybe you can relate to the dilemma that our guest Leslie Leland fields faced with her unexpected pregnancies maybe you have a similar struggle or a crisis in your family that you just don't know how to deal with please know that we're here to help focus on the family has a team of caring Christian counselors and we're just a phone call away our number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or you can find out more on our website and we'll have the link in the show notes when you get in touch be sure to check out Leslie's wonderful book surprise child finding hope in unexpected pregnancy Leslie I love your honesty because I know the struggle is real for many women choosing between a career or a child it's tough which is most important where your priorities but you know in the end I think it's obvious it is obvious and it's what is most important right now and so after that second pregnancy I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I'm walking away from teach I am not I'm not going back and there was a bit of relief in that clarity like you know you get up in the morning and we want to do God's will that day we want to live out God's will God what do you have for me today so every morning that I got up with this child inside of me I knew what God's will for me was that day to love this child that I was caring to care for this child and to care for the children that God had given me and the husband that God had given me Leslie you know so much a culture is screaming the opposite direction right now and and feminist groups will say you can't have both you know you can't have a baby and have a career and the better choice is the career because you deserve it and this is what women's rights it's what it's all about is exercising that choice of career over a child it's devastating I think it's so antithetical to the heart of a woman that it does tear them apart even those people that support choice in that way what do you say to that young woman that 25 year old that 28 year old who you know is having that choice today I think that the voices in our culture put us in a false dilemma I don't think it's an either-or and we have to see that we have a lifetime ahead of us when I stepped out of teaching at 45 and I happily and willingly said goodbye to my career and I thought that was it well interestingly God literally hand delivered to me another teaching job two years later but I could teach from home right it was a part-time job that I could teach from home and it was in a graduate program and it was exactly used all of my education my abilities of my gifts I'm now 63 and God has so prospered my career and my calling beyond my wildest expectations and I thought at 45 that's it I'm done I'm not going to be a professional anymore but God had other plans for that as well and it's so amazing and I think God smiles when we show faithfulness toward him that's what he's looking for will you trust me and when we do man I think the Lord just responds with that blessing whatever it might be just peace in your heart you know and I think that believer has that relationship with Christ available to them Leslie let me capture a conversation because I think it paints that picture so clearly you're on a flight with overhearing some women what this really is typical right so what happened yeah yeah so I was I was pregnant this is my second pregnancy I'm flying off to a conference and I hear these two women just a couple of rows behind me and they're talking about potty training and they're talking really loudly about all the details of their of their their toddlers potty training and I remember sitting there thinking I was just feeling so embarrassed for them and embarrassed for a woman kind that that's good embarrassed for them I thought you're gonna go the other way no not embarrassed for yourself no I like that yes I felt embarrassed for all women that you know here the like this two women are together they're obviously really good friends and like this is this is what they're talking about together on a plane so loudly that everybody can hear and and I realized in my mind I would you know there was this judgment and this kind of again prioritizing like I was more important because I was heading off to a conference you know and they're discussing potty training and that's that voice of the culture sneaking in that says raising children is not nearly as important as going to speak at a conference yeah and and I recognize later that those voices are such a lie those voices that say what we're doing this hard work of loving and kids and changing their diapers and feeding them in the highchair and carrying them in the backpack and cleaning toilets all this is this is beautiful work in the kingdom of God and it's brief it's brief those are brief things yeah and when you're when you're the woman in the midst of that you know it feels like it goes on forever but it doesn't so I'm really here at the other end to say that time is going to zoom by well and I think Leslie the the difficulty I struggle with when I look at the broader culture today and you see the denigrating of motherhood but the next generation comes through mothers I mean dads are wildcards I know we got our issues and our problems but if we lose the heart of women for their children we're doomed we are there is no future and there's no getting closer to that and yeah yeah it is the next generation comes through the love and physically through a woman yes and it breaks my heart that young women particularly are not seeing the value of that we think that when we're pregnant and you know we're about to birth this child and we're going to spend you know pour out our lives for this child we think that our life is going to shrink we see a career as a big life a life that's out there it's a public life everybody can see and everybody values that and we think that having a child suddenly confines us to the home and that it's a small life and I have found the opposite to be true that my life has grown and expanded I have become smarter and wiser and deeper of a human being because of my children every one of my children has grown and stretched and made my life bigger that's the reward and you know that scripture John 10 10 the thief comes to steal kill and destroy but I have come that you would have life and life more abundantly and even you know with your honesty you said it you had that moment where the thief almost got his desires but you slammed the door and now your two children have life and they have a purpose and they have a future and they I know have life more abundantly because of the home they're being raised in how old are they now they're about to turn 18 and 20 18 and 20 it's but they're still my you know oh I mean they're special they're special they are and you know these unplanned babies end up being special because I think because you have to fight harder for them right you pray more you cry more you cling to God more and they end up being more I'll add just for the firstborns and the middle borns we're all special awesome thank you for coming all the way down from Alaska and that wonderland up there to spend time with us to talk about what God has shown you and your great book surprise child finding hope in unexpected pregnancy this is a book for most women and I'm sure many boyfriends and husbands too but the girl who's 16 17 that young woman you know 27 30 and then maybe especially that 40-something who's having that oops baby thanks for being with us I'm so glad to be here thank you and as we said earlier be sure to reach out to us if we can offer our counseling services to you or other resources we do of course recommend Leslie's book it is full of great stories and encouragement and we've got the link in the episode notes so you can get your copy and John let me just remind everybody like we often do if you can make a gift to partner with us in the ministry we'll send you a copy of Leslie's book for a gift of any amount just to help us let's continue to help women make the godly choice when it comes to their pregnancies and the babies that they carry into this new life and also option ultrasound what a great program that is here at focus on the family we have been doing this for 16 years we've saved almost a half a million babies it's $60 a baby man it makes me teary-eyed thinking about it we have the metrics we know what we're doing in this regard working with these crisis pregnancy centers around the country who are in the trenches every day support them if you can look them up in the phone book if you have a Christian pregnancy center near you volunteer time volunteer your resources help them because they are helping women each and every day make that right choice for life and what we do is come alongside and provide that ultrasound machine so that they could provide a picture of their baby and 54% of abortion minded women abortion minded women that go into those clinics for a free ultrasound will choose life you hear God saying do it I hope so $60 yeah that can really make such a difference donate online or give us a call to learn more about how together we're helping save pre-born babies every day through option ultrasound our number is 800 the letter a in the word family or look for the link in the show notes and this reminder as you contribute to the work here we'll say thank you by sending a copy of Leslie's book surprise child now coming up tomorrow encouragement for you to be a bold witness for Christ in your everyday life see Satan knows that how you see yourself will determine how you behave yourself so if he can convince you as a believer that you're not a full-time minister that you're just an insurance salesman or you're just a real estate guy or you're just a stay-at-home mom or whatever and he can convince you of that then that's how you're gonna act on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here at focused on the family thanks so much for listening today I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ I'm here asking people how they could both give and get I don't know maybe love yeah you could both give and get love true but it's also possible with a charitable gift annuity you get a secure source of fixed income and a charitable tax deduction plus giving a charitable gift annuity to focus on the family helps families thrive for generations to come I love that find out more go to focus planned giving calm that's focus planned giving calm you