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Making Virtues a Daily Part of Your Family Life (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly
The Truth Network Radio
July 15, 2021 6:00 am

Making Virtues a Daily Part of Your Family Life (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly

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July 15, 2021 6:00 am

Courtney DeFeo shares her passion to instill in her children important virtues like love for each other, forgiveness, and humility.

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Good veterans aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day. Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy children and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started. Take the assessment of traits that's trade*check out the last year. Great question because you know the word entry parenting that their learning the right learning know what to do and what lies in the right and wrong that when using a filter for you look like and walk like a dead cat now do that don't know don't sound.

I don'tů I mean, that's Courtney DeFeo describing how you can be more effective in teaching godly character to your children and she was our guest last time on Focus on the Family were looking forward to part two of that conversation today your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and John: John Lester Courtney reviewed the children need to know things like love, forgiveness, and perseverance, and what I loved was her ability to communicate these big concepts and fun and simple ways, even for kids as young as five, six or seven years old and frankly I think these are great concept through the whole family to learn that mom and dad included and that highlights one of our primary goals are a Focus on the Family to equip you to be the best parent you can be and help you pass on your faith and values to the next generation. I look forward to hearing more insights from Courtney's wonderful book in this house we will giggle making virtues, love and laughter. A daily part of your family life would be happy to tell you more about Courtney and her book when you call 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the episode notes for the link, and as we mentioned last time this conversation was recorded a few years ago but go ahead and continue now with part two conversation with Courtney to fail on today's episode of Focus on the Family Courtney, welcome back to five thinking now. We loved it. Last time you really showed some great light on how to teach your kids virtues your fun loving person.

I can tell you to tell, but I have had a very flower on right now I not your husband, Ron, is he compatible to your outgoing nature.

You'll be shocked now that he's actually the more joyful when I cannot like Santa Claus and I'm moving people to the coffee maker and a bat made blind achievement officer and I will just get out of my bad made that everybody else starts getting more little more joyful that he's really so happy he's a great guy or that is good now in the book in this house we will giggle you talk about 12 virtues you actually created a deck of virtue cards that allow you to go through this. We talked about the need to concentrate you only do 12 for the year. So once a month, you just concentrate on one virtue, because there's probably hundreds of virtues that we can elaborate on right. Yeah, you know my sister. We talked about this last house on the show. She told me one time I can't read your blog.

Sometimes I just inmates reminds me of all the things that I'm not doing and I thought still that way that once we open up a program or even read our Bible to get overwhelmed at all the things are lacking is apparent. It's hard to live a perfect life for Jesus and we talked about earlier jam is when we read in Galatians about fruit of the spirit so many things are not optional for a believer and we got the Holy Spirit in us. Some of the things we should have in our lives and they should be afraid of walking with the Lord.

When you look at virtues and you don't want to say if I'm not doing these 12 that Courtney patted her back and I'm a failure. That's not the case.

My hope is to provide people with a conversation starter, and a resource to say if you are valuing a few of these things and you want some of these virtues and values that are biblical to surface in your home to say we were a family that is about lab we were a family that is about God's generosity and here's a few ways that you might learn how to practice that daily and in fact last time we talked about love and forgiveness and perseverance, and if you want to know about those get the CD and today were to talk about respect, service and humility. So let's get to it. How do we had.

We look at respect and this could be unless figures I'm thinking of how much disrespect can give you as parents talk about how you can convey the virtue of respect without it coming with the dirty look as a yeah now the head. We can easily say what respect as I gone to the left of what disrespected and I have some pet peeves. You are interacting as one of my feel like we got it together as parents until we go into a public setting and I kissed her and wrapped me in front of other adults. Don't they know I write a parenting backlight is about your embarrassed, thinking I'm raising adults is what I'm doing. I'm not trying to perform and let get them for my friends and had them behave like good little Christian point and so I want them actually learning how to sit at a business dinner and operate in a respectful way I want them to be able to go to class and respect the teacher and their authority when I'm not there, and when I'm not looking at them with a dirty look across the room so this plays out from another time. There little that were practicing until I have them go back into a restaurant and think the people for the mail I had crawl through the landscaping at places and if they did it in their little kids and say oh okay. Did you know somebody use their hands to plainness flowers and they worked really hard and how would that make you feel if someone stomped all over your work and a lot of times it isn't a lecture and they're in trouble and she's bringing their attention to somebody else was maybe involved in the kids and I made him feel bad when you stumped appreciate your tone right there is your speaking because that's one of the things of really struggle with my wife called me the other day and she said you sound so stern right there and we had a really watch the tone, it's easy to get in that lecture mode and to say hey, knock it off and that doesn't communicate respect to the child right right and I think one of the things we can do that helps them so much as set ground rules and let them know what were expecting up front so we have the simple rules that we say what arrest what's restaurant behavior. What is at dinner behavior. What is a baseball game behavior and maybe we can expect them to understand that it and where in charge or your big church. It's helpful to stay quiet or if you're in a funeral.

This is how it's supposed to go. You can't assume that five years older seven or nine that they know all the appropriate rules to be respectful of. Here's how you walk to someone's home and them for something to drinking our walk on their furniture.

The meeting to explain to them in a nice way of how to be respectful about how do you teach respect to your boys or girls. What activity do you use this activity here and I think it's just for girls but it's not and it's a fancy feast and because no matter your and gender you're going to get into a dinner situation and you have to learn how to wait for someone to speak, and you have to learn how to greet someone at the door hanger coder pull out a chair and said before it becomes your first prom or before you're setting a dinner where you've never done that before. I think it's time for them to practice and so we set up a really fancy feast in our home and we did this with a bunch of little girls that you can do it with their cousins or their grandmother where they're involved in the process, said there actually can help serve the dinner at their can greet people at the door.

They may have to put on that will sport coat on and we teach them how to respectfully host people and home and teach them before.

It's the time or get good luck at prom. Yeah, good luck at your first senior dinner. We never told them about how to have an southern snooty find manners where they can't be themselves like this is just how to engage in's and wait your turn to talk and and pause and listen to someone's story and listen to what they're saying and look them in the eyes and think them for the meal there some basic I think is nice, polite manners is not over the top. That's good. I want to tip my hat to the South because they really do a good job with the kids. Yes ma'am no ma'am I have you seen them yet even still to go down there. There's a lot of good expression from the folks in the South so well done for you guys in Atlanta that is why are we doing this in the definition is honoring people and things that God created and so were not just doing it so we look at his parents, and our kids looking like were trying to honor the people and things that got a right heart yeah and so were recognizing someone that you put in work to this are your someone worthy of our attention, our eyeballs, our gratitude for your dinner and so is different than just getting them again to look at and 81 important thing that I've learned is that it's good to tell the kids when they're going into a situation is just that with restaurant behavior. Do it right before you go and okay this is how we behave in the situation. This is what's expected and that on the back and tell him tell them how they did. Yeah, this was really good getting feedback and not just the glare when they didn't yeah you did this well you did this well this is something I notice you didn't do so well. So you want to remember next time you pulled the chair out for your mom something like Somebody brought that at this because across all the virtues we had talked about. I have noticed the biggest difference in my children when I stop and recognize the ones that are doing well versus trying to always talk about how we can get better and I think one of her jobs was to point out where God was already moving in them and Artie think you are so kind and I see it come up again. You are so blessed that girl and they are our kids are so much better than we give them credit for. And if we can start watching like hawks and watch when these virtues are bubbling out and stopping and pulling them aside and see what you just did in there with your grandmother so respectful you did with your sister at the lunch table so generous to start pointing out their little hearts she can watch their faces. Fill out so we gotta be diligent to remember to do that because were like watching yellow rose on the negative, yet it's easier to pick it out. We hope this conversation with Courtney DeFeo is giving you a more positive perspective on parenting and she's sharing ideas from her book in this house we will giggle virtues, love and laughter daily part of your family.

We can tell you more about that book when you call 800 K in the word family or check the episode notes for further now.

The conclusion of her time in the studio with Courtney DeFeo on Focus on the Family Courtney, when you look at one of the hardest virtue sometimes to teach younger children. It's this idea of service and destroy the one is prayer is that we really want to see them excel as we would like them to show service to us and to others.

How do you begin to impart the virtue of service into your seven, eight, nine-year-old service is one of those that when it becomes their idea at source and so whenever we can get them an opportunity to try it, and the definition is using our hands, feet and hearts to honor God and love others. So is safely getting them in the ballgame and so when we again when we lecture them eyeballs start rolling and things go. The concept of serving that so often in the Christian community. They always are told there too young.

You have to be 12 or 13 or 14 to get involved in someone we can come up with activities that say you are not too young and I want to give you a story that will display your mind and give you an example. This little girl. CJ is in my kids school. She seven years old and just as last week she heard a story by food for the poor on the radio and they were saying kids in Guatemala.

They actually starve if they don't get the food they need and she said her mom. I'm so sad. These kids can't die in this and she said they do. I said you know for X dollars a month you can feed a child, and shall they'll make it the whole year. She said I want to do something at seven years old. It pricked her heart and the moms that will help you just tell me what you want to do so, they said, working to have this Saturday when I have a water stand and then they went also. She said I'll start a go fund me page and I shared on my Facebook page and her goal is $300 she could feed 11 kids for the year.

That girl years old, raised over $800 and she's feeding 33 kids for a year for the poor. So I've shared that story summing people up to my blog we went. Her water stand and took pictures of her and so she is beaming and she's got to tell her whole school about it is it just showed me that just when you get a little girl's heart pranks by the Lord to say something about that her friends got on board and all of a sudden there's groups involved in their move thing. And what an electron service she experienced it and she said I'm doing this every year and said that is just an example to say you know God can move through these kids, they're not too young is fantastic motherly to have her open her heart up that way. Yeah, she's a powerhouse is called a late summer my girls watching her their wheels were turning their gone okay.

I don't know if I'll do understand. I don't know if it's Guatemala that I can make a difference. Yes you can you just let me know what your ideas and I will help you get there. That is good, but not everybody's going to have a motivated seven euros or so, maybe starter steps to get there. Yeah, in terms of teaching service absolutely one of the ideas that we have in the book is this is basically your chance. The moms may roll their eyes.

The kids are 11 to have a group play date and it's gonna surround on service as My kids are begging me all the time to have tons of friends over and I'll say yes to one. But marked more than one kids stresses me out. You still at jive at six kids, but so you have a group play date and the topic is service that was that you can have five friends ever six friends but were going to do something for the community and so whether it's a car wash and work and I just have a free car rush and all the things get a charity to make meals and other peanut bar and jelly sandwiches go. This is just a ploy to your house yes school you thing, but the idea is that when there with their friends. Peer pressure is working in your favor because one is there and their idea and their friends are doing it together at the group service play date so that's the big idea and I've seen it work and support for my kids and I think it enough for your teens. You had to get a little more creative on where they're going. They may want to leave the house, but a starting place for surveying notes idea that we solders will is they did a Valentines brunch at the Christian school so they can do this a little bit differently but they did a Valentines brunch for widows and it was so cool to watch these widows walking on Brent on Valentines and have a place to eat and be honor by seventh graders graders walking ladies and ceding them bring their lunch over to them and I thought how cold it is not just a suggestion is biblical. It's nice care for our widows and here they were, and I do every year. So I thought what a great idea. That whole classroom that together and honored some what is the word probably typically loved on Valentine's Day for some years.

That is so sweet and that I love that so I can just envision them pulling and pushing the chair displayed an amazing amazing. That is wonderful hate. We went also cover humility which you know we got a recognizer when you're talking specifically about teaching children, virtues, others recent scientific research that shows boys. For example, there judgment area of the brain is not fully come as a shock to anybody the judgment or their brain is not fully developed shoulder mid-twenties. However, it is they'll go to sleep and point there is sometimes you need to be patient, that virtue of patient is apparent because your kids are getting get it. You're going to do this with your eight-year-old or 10-year-old.

And guess what you have to do it again and you may have to do it again and again and again through their teen years and all that because you're not, it's not formulaic enough to do once walk away. Okay, they have patience because we did this great thing. It will help it will contribute to forming that in them, but it's not a one stop formulaic approach is no Apsley not and I'll be the first to say I can do all of this stuff in my kids could make some really interesting choices that could have me back here on the show, talking about the really forced choices or failures.

You know I had some really interesting choices in college and I was raised in a great Christian home, so all of there is not a formula there's definitely not. And we have to have our hands open and say God is gonna work in them. And a lot of the stuff can be used for their failures in every one of these parties we can save my kids bond in every category we had the best lesson to the failure of my life. I look back and say where I failed and every one of these categories is where God taught me the most. Well, that's where humility is so good to touch on them absolutely is a really interesting scale. We talked about earlier how there's a scale and all these. And then there are some gray area on one end of the scale of humility. You have parents that have almost like the parents put their kids on American Idol and they told them there. Actually, the best singers and delays your thinking. Why didn't someone tell their parents were also my mom thinks I basically ran check flight when I worked at my mom that I was not sure Kathy I would love marking, but I was not running the company, but she dealt me over the years and I'm so thankful for her being a cheerleader, but theirs said tends to be askew apparent that one and build up such confidence hesitate over do it. You know than the other end of the scale are parents so terrified of that day never encourage their kids don't want them to be proud. They don't want them to be proud said they just knock him down and they don't ever encourage him and so I find myself wanting to be in the middle skewing towards confidence thing the world is going to knock them down.

The friends are going to knock them down and sonic and alighted them or not can be truthful about their weaknesses that I'm gonna tell them you are made for a purpose. Tell them the truth about how God made them and filled them out because every day someone else can we document what you think about it. In marriage we talk about it here Focus on the Family you need a 5 to 1. Complement the criticism yeah it's even bigger when it comes to your children. I think it may be 10 to 1 where they need to feel confident about who they are in God, and know their weaknesses, but you know criticize in a limited way, and if not every no constructive criticism is fine, but you gotta build them up so I like that but with humility.

What would be a way to get the point across and activity lesson yet for activity far humility we done a thing called job well done card and I think that important activity for kids early on snow that they can celebrate others even when they're not being recognized and this is been so huge for my girls because they want to land their competitive like their mother and they want to be recognize and win at everything and they just won't be until, over time, I've wanted them to show up at their friends awards banquets. I wanted them to show up at concerts and say you are not in the center stage today but your friend is not hard for them is Harding's sisters and it's hard probably is brothers to say I wanted to be on the soccer team will now tonight your brother's night to celebrate and might daughter's teacher, Mrs. Brown just told me that her daughter said tonight since senior awards banquet. Our high school words and to the one I can get anything she said will guess who is your friends and were going and little did her daughter know she actually was getting something that she made her daughter go anyways. She knew all of her friends were getting awards and definition for our kids is giving God and others.

The center stage.

Can we keep deflecting things to say this is not about us all the time. Sometimes it's about what God has done in our lives are it's about others getting centerstage and how can we continue to deflect praise and glory to somebody other than herself. Not too hard yet is hard.

Humility is a tough one. Remember my youngest son.

He went out for the basketball team. Not long ago, and there are 40 kids going for 12 positions and he had not played much basketball did one year of the war. And so I before I dropped them off. It should Troy become tough because you have been in it and these other kids probably been in it for six or seven years. So just you know your best and then hang with whatever happens goes okay and he had such a great attitude.

So the first night he got through boot cut a few of the kids so we got through and he was told was all excited. I got through the first and I said well is always tomorrow night so just guard your heart a little and said yeah I'm good I'm good with that.

There are some good players out there so the second I came around I picked them up and jumped in the car. I could tell you no longer face. It wasn't quite as strong as will how to go so I got cut, how you feel about said actually feel pretty good and I haven't played basketball months always try harder and come out next year and try again. I was so proud of him. He wasn't owning it in a bad way he was owning it in a realistic way.

This new skill set was no strong yet and hopefully he'll get there but I think it was a good life lesson for good for him.

One of the hardest things for me deftly in writing this book with such young children as I thought Lord you have to can't share all my insides.

What do I know it's gotta be something your sharing and teaching me through my struggles as a parent and one of my biggest struggles is the strengths and weaknesses of my children and nine how do I handle that because you can compare your children to other children so easily.

And here's what I feel like you laid on my heart at quick fire that I'll share with you is Lord let their weaknesses be the very thing that draws them to you and let their strengths be the very thing that draws others to you. So impact. I love the Lord when there's so weak I want that to be the thing that they just cling to you and say I don't understand why I'm not very good in this area. Let that be the thing that just see that draws them so close to God and them when they're really really good at something. I don't want that to puff them up.

I want that to be the thing that people that I don't understand how she's got so gifted that that must be God and so that was just a big moment as I write this chapter for some guys, like I don't want you to forget this about humility conjuring to be you can attend to be so proud of your children that you and I want to like brag on you and be not so humble parent, so it's a great virtue. All of these been terrific. And these are the core things wanted to church over Courtney it comes to mind. You can do all this great work in two she's good virtues. But there's one thing that has to be done and a lot of surprisingly, a lot of parents look past this very core thing and that's how to lead your child into relationship with Jesus Christ you can do all the right teaching and think that it's through osmosis or absorption that they understand how to connect the dots to God. How do you do that is apparent in an effective way. How do you turn your child's heart toward the Lord and deal with that very fundamental thing of making sure they're making a commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm so glad you brought that there's an entire chapter in the back on faith that for my had so much nervous around that I thought am I going to say it right you nonmember as a child I probably said a prayer about eight times and you can't be like thing I'll say it one more time to it right and so we were looking at the ABC Scripture cards and Ella was memorizing Venus is very truly, I will tell you the one who believes has eternal life, and she said mom what is that mean and she was 5 pounds you are having that conversation out about ready and am I gonna do it right in the control freak in me thought am I gonna say the right words is she gonna get it.

She too young and so I just felt this push from the Lord is a teller when it means you underestimate their ability and so I said well eternal life is someone that you go now at the site is heaven is where Jesus says it's where my grandmother is and how many go because I believe in Jesus and I put my faith in him and I want you to get there someday and she said I want to do that to I believe in Jesus and I said okay so we pray together and I just this lease to the Lord like over complicating that I can work that relationship out there and I think the force on our kids.

I think we can allow and trust that God is big enough to move her heart and not allow that to happen when the baptism process.

She has not made that choice yet. That's her timeline that her process but I'm in a keep on putting her in church keep showing her these things really keep studying God's word that it's her faith and her journey in mother-daughter and that's how we concluded our second part of our conversation with Courtney DeFeo viewing her book in this house we will Google making virtues, love and laughter.

A daily part of your family life and Jim Courtney assured a lot of really practical, inspirational abuse for families to did and I really appreciate her passion as a mom to love her kids well and plant the seeds of the gospel in their lives. You know, as parents we can't control the outcome. Our children will choose their own path in terms of how to live and believe. Once their adults, but you can be faithful in sharing God's truth with your children and modeling how to live as a follower of Christ, you won't do it perfectly.

Nobody does.

But even that's an opportunity to teach your children about confessing mistakes and asking for forgiveness and the good news is you don't need to carry the load of evangelizing your family all on your own. Focus on the Family is here to help and we've got lots of resources that will equip and encourage you like Courtney's book and our monthly lipid challenges where we motivate children of all ages to take their faith seriously and live out what the Bible teaches in very tangible ways.

These are great tools to help your entire family grow spiritually and I hope you'll contact us to learn more about them in the place to start is by following up in the episode notes we got links there or call 800 K in the word family and let me encourage you to support the spiritual development of other families as well.

Every year, Focus on the Family is contacted by literally hundreds of thousands of parents who were looking for help. Thanks to the generosity of friends like you were able to produce broadcast like this one, and provide the resources that we've mentioned but we need your ongoing help to keep that process running. Please consider making a monthly pledge to Focus on the Family today and with those gifts will be able to reach even more parents and equip them to share the good news of Jesus Christ. So give generously today and if a monthly pledge is more than you can afford right now we do understand anything you can offer will be helpful.

When you join the support team will say thanks for your generosity by sending a copy of Courtney DeFeo's book in this house we will Google it may be that you know family who would benefit from this wonderful resource number again is 880 family were building when you click the link in the episode's, and next time on this broadcast will hear from a forward portion experienced complete turnaround in respect but it became so clear to me that God is a God of life that this character that's his heart. There should be no question have Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for this episode of Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller and putting you back once again help you and your family thrive build your child's faith with clubhouse junior and clubhouse magazines from Focus on the Family boys and girls ages 3 to 12 will enjoy all the faith building activities from fun crafts and puzzles to character building fiction and powerful Bible stories invest in your child's faith all year long.

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