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That's focusonthefamily.com slash seven traits. Maybe this table should stay in the front yard. And maybe, you know, we could start doing our ordinary activities. Dinner, pizza on, you know, paper plates, homework, bubble blowing, you know, things that our family was already doing.
But what if we were to do it in a more visible way and do it in the front yard? That's Kristen Schell. And today on Focus on the Family, you'll hear her unique story about how she began loving her neighbors in a more intentional way. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. And I'm John Fuller. John, it's so easy to drive in and out of our garages and not get to know our neighbors.
And I think it takes away from what the Lord can do through you in your neighborhood to touch people in His name. And we're going to discuss that today with a very special guest. This is one of those programs that should equip you to think a little differently, I think help train your children as well, how to look at the world around them and have an impact in the name of Christ. Yeah, this is a fun, unique and inspiring story about ways that you can show hospitality. And our guest is, as I said, Kristen Schell. She's the author of the book, The Turquoise Table, Finding Community and Connection in Your Own Front Yard. And she and her husband, Tony, have four children.
They live with their family in Austin, Texas. Kristen, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thank you. I'm delighted to be here.
Hey, before we dive into The Turquoise Table, I want to go back to what started your love for food and fellowship around the table, which I think is an important part of your story. And it's my understanding it started with receiving an F in high school. Yes. Now, are you fessing up to that? I'm going to fess up. You told thousands of people now.
Right? Well, lead with your failure, right? Okay, let's do it. So let's do it.
Let's just get it all out in the open. What did you get an F in? French.
I failed French. I can understand that. I could totally understand that. You know, and in the world's problems, this is not high up there. But when you are in high school and you're going to have that glaring F on your transcript, you know. It's going to follow you around.
It's going to follow you around. Anyway. Okay, so how did mom and dad respond to that when you came home? Well, they were nervous because, you know, they're like, okay, first of all, it's French, you know, so it's not like it was math or it was English or something.
It was French. But, you know, it was a failure. And so they tried like good parents. They're like, let's get tutors or, you know, maybe if we help her out, let me just tell you, there was no helping this out. My brain, for whatever reason, was not going to learn the language. And so this is crazy. But on a sort of this last ditched effort, they sent me on a summer immersion program in France.
Right? They were committed. Well, the school, the school teachers were committed.
I'm their first child. And so they didn't know they didn't want to mess up. They were all nervous. But here's the thing, like, that sounds like a dream. Oh, and you know, sort of a bless your heart, as we say in Texas, you know, to go to France. But I hated sleepover camp. I didn't like to spend the night out. You know, like leaving with a homebody. And so, you know, going to France, you know, to stay with a family and live in a country where clearly I.
And so it was not it was a nightmare for me. But at the ripe old age of 15, I found myself in a teeny tiny town, living with a family and not understanding a word. What would you like to say to your mom and dad today? I would tell them thank you at the time. You know, I clearly thank you was not on my lips or in my heart. But, but thank you, because you know what I learned? And of course, I didn't know this at the time. But what I learned was that hospitality, the Greek root of that, and it means love of strangers. And so I was a stranger in a foreign land, clearly not understanding the language. And I've never felt so loved and like I belonged at the table.
And it was, you know, now I can look back and go, aha, that's what God was doing. At the time, of course, you know, it was muddied. And I didn't, I didn't understand. But the food and the ritual of sitting at the table, the French have it going on.
I mean, they sit at the dinner table two hours at night, and very relaxed, very relaxed. And the conversation flowed. Now remember, I couldn't understand a lot of it. But I knew that what was happening around that table was something. I mean, it was it was contagious, and it was enthralling. And I knew that it was something I wanted to be a part of that, that whole Mediterranean culture is like that, too.
I've had the pleasure of being in Spain and France and other places. But there is a different pace, right? And it's a beautiful one, right? And one that we should embrace here in the United States more. So rather than the hurry up, we grade ourselves on how fast we can eat. Exactly. And we get an A plus if we're like down to 10 minutes, we could do dinner in 10 minutes, we can microwave it, put it on the table, quickly eat it, talk to each other for a couple of seconds, and then we're done and off to our sporting events. Right. And that's where I was growing up, you know, because this was my sophomore after my sophomore year in high school.
And, and so that's the world that already even in the 80s, I was living in, you know, a very fast paced, you know, life. And so it more so than the language, which by the way, I ended up being a French major, but more than mastering language, I did go right to my weakness, but this is just what God does, right? But, but more than mastering that language, it was the lifestyle, it was the, you know, eye to eye, you know, good conversation, food as nourishment for the soul, and just that family time around a table. And you encourage us to embrace it rather than run from it. Right. Now, some of us can be a bit fearful of that much time with each other's family. Right. Well, and I get that, you know, I mean, in my context for that much time with family was the holidays, right?
You know, but certainly not every single night. So what you ended up ordering a table, tell me about the story of the turquoise table. So flash forward, you know, many, many years later, and so Tony and I are married, we're living in Austin. And at the time, our children were sort of middle school aged and life was busy.
It was the exact thing we just talked about, you know, on to the next sports practices, all good things, right. But I felt like I was spending more time in my minivan than I was at the kitchen table. And I still had that longing, that seed that was planted all those years ago in France, but I couldn't figure it out. You know, couldn't figure out when to cook, how to bring people, you know, to the table. And then often, you know, when I would bring them to the table, I was so tired from cooking and trying to get everyone there that I wasn't a very kind person or a good hostess.
And so I felt like, again, I was failing. Yeah. So how did you get the idea of a picnic bench and what happened? So this, I mean, again, it was, it was kind of on a whim. I was having a party with a neighbor and a friend of mine and I needed an extra place to seat some people. We were doing a barbecue and it was in the backyard.
So it was very casual. And so I ordered a picnic table. I mean, this is just a plain old table.
Like everybody has seen the wooden picnic tables. And I ordered it from Lowe's because they could deliver it and have it assembled the next day. And that's what I needed.
And it was under a hundred bucks. So that made Tony happy. It was all getting good. And so when they delivered it, it's heavy picnic tables are heavy. They put it outside right next to the edge of our street, kind of underneath this magnolia tree in the front and the front yard. And then they came to get me to ask where I wanted it. And so when I walked out to follow the delivery guys, I saw that picnic table underneath the tree and it was an aha moment.
It took my breath away because I had been sort of in this holy restlessness for five or six years, trying to figure out how to offer hospitality, how to get to know my neighbors, how can I do all this? And I saw that table and I know it sounds crazy, but I was like, this is it. Maybe this table should stay in the front yard.
And maybe, you know, we could start doing our ordinary activities, dinner, pizza on paper plates, homework, bubble blowing, you know, things that our family was already doing. But what if we were to do it in a more visible way and do it in the front yard? And that's so counterintuitive.
It is very why would I want to do that? I get it. I get it. And it's so when I went in and explained to the children and to Tony, you know, Austin's motto are kind of our self-proclaimed motto for Austin is keep Austin weird. Yeah.
And I think it does fit. And so I figure, you know, they're like, good, mom, you know, picnic table in the front yard, doing your part to keep Austin weird. But to me, it was like, what if it became like the old village? Well, you know, where we weren't burdened by the pressures of entertainment. So I'm no longer now worried about cooking for people. The house doesn't have to be clean, you know, because people are going to be in the front yard. But it caught on it.
Y'all it just, it became a thing in our neighborhood. So what happened? You sit down that first day, and what are you thinking should happen? What's your expectation?
And then what does happen? So here's a little teeny bit more of the backstory to was I knew that I need I call it a great hospitality hack. Like I said, like I didn't we, you know, we wanted to kick perfection to the curb. I, you know, I knew I wanted to bring people together, but I didn't want it to always be a thing.
You know, a book club, a Bible study, a supper club, because that overwhelms people. And so I thought, okay, what if we were to do something and just be present? What if we were to slow down long enough and just be present in each other's lives? And I did not know about I'd never heard the term Ministry of presence before. And so through just reading and great discipleship, I, I've learned about the Ministry of presence, which is also very counterintuitive, because we're wired to be, you know, human doings. Yes.
But what this message was to me was just human being. Like, what if what if we were to take 15 minutes, 20 minutes and just be present with one another? Like, what could happen? Okay, that's weird, right? You know, like, okay, so I thought, well, I'm gonna go outside and just be present in my front yard at a turquoise picnic table. Like, I've lost my marbles.
Well, that's the other point. You ended up painting it. Painted it at turquoise because it's my favorite color.
Right. And so now you've got I mean, so nice dark wood would be, you know, maybe but then, you know, I was like, that's so boring, you know, so you'd go turquoise. I went turquoise. And so I remember the day that God was very gracious. It rained for about a week after we painted it because he knew I needed some courage to get up.
You think he wasn't trying to wipe it off? Well, we'll see. We'll see. Maybe I think point taken. I'm nervous again.
More rain, more rain. It's still turquoise though. I'm sure he loves it. I think it was to give me courage. And so I did that did the very first day I went out and I took a whole bunch of stuff to look like I was busy.
Like I knew what I was doing at a turquoise table. Well, this is important too, though. You took your busy work. I did. Yeah, but that was all I knew. Right? Because it's perfectly normal to do a bunch of paperwork and stuff out there. Right. Well, it was the mail. And yeah, again, but think about that insecurity. You know, that's what I was feeling. And so clearly I lived right into it. But y'all about five minutes after sitting down there pretending like I was busy, a neighbor walked by and I had never even seen her before.
So not somebody I had even waved at. And we struck up a conversation. And 30 minutes later, you know, we were having just an incredible conversation, exchanging emails and phone numbers and talking about neighborly things.
And that was almost five years ago. And now I cannot imagine not knowing Susan. Well, it's so important to really say what you're saying. And that is it was a facilitator for meeting people that live right around you. Exactly. That's the point.
That is the point. And I think intuitively, I knew that I couldn't articulate it yet. And so now I say things like, you know, the turquoise tables become like the old village well, and it's a place where people can stop and, and quickly touch base with one another and catch up.
But, you know, it all happened so fast that I, you know, I don't know that that's I didn't go in knowing that that was going to happen. Kristen, in fact, you had an encounter with an elderly couple that made an impression on you what happened? Well, we our neighborhood is very multi generational.
That's good. And so Tony and I were one of the very first, you know, I think of us as younger to buy from the original homeowners. And so now, and we've become one of the older couples, but at the time, there, you know, we were we were the young ones.
And so the neighbors around us, I noticed that they they were starting, they weren't as out as much. And so it became clear to me that one of the things of community is noticing and paying attention, you know, and so after a few days of, you know, noticing habits of our neighbors, it became clear that maybe they needed looking in after looking, you know, looking on to and Elizabeth is one of our neighbors and Elizabeth walks her dog. She's in her 80s. And she walks her dog Clyde, almost every day still. But here's the thing, when you notice that, and when you realize her rhythm and her patterns, and then Elizabeth isn't walking a dog one day, it makes you wonder, you know, she's living alone.
Is she okay? And so we'll go over and check on on each other. And that may not seem like a big deal. But I believe in God's economy, it is neighbors right across the street from us. One day, we had a coyote problem in the neighborhood. And we live in Austin, and we're right kind of in the center of town. But there, there were coyotes that were in our neighborhood. And so for a lot of us, there were Facebook, you know, kind of our emails or texts going around, be careful, make sure kittens and you know, just taking care of one another. But I knew that the neighbors across the street wouldn't have any of that technology or the way to know that.
And so it was wonderful to be able to go over and sit down and end up in their kitchen table, you know, kind of on coyote alert, to take care of them. And it starts really small in that way. But these things over time matter. And Kristin, so often, I think as a culture, we like to keep it at a superficial level, because I can manage that emotionally. But oftentimes, as believers in Christ, he wants more from us, he wants us to provide his peace in these areas of chaos around us. And that's sometimes in your neighbor's lives, right. So you've even had some pretty dramatic situations as well.
We have and that's, you know, like, to your point, you know, it's like, but you've got to kind of get to know the dog walker first, and you have to be able to be trusted and then, you know, have that coffee when you're on coyote patrol first. But the reason those things matter is because life is hard. And we all know it. And and it's an every single no matter your neighborhood, there are hard things going on behind those garage doors behind those apartment doors. And no neighborhood is immune to it.
And ours is no exception. And we've had, you know, all the things in our neighborhood, we've had the cancer diagnosis, we've had the divorce, we've had the prodigal child, you know, what starts small, in many ways, and can seem insignificant as getting to know a neighbor and talking that walking their dogs, I would have never known them though, had we not been present in our front yard, and then we were able to serve and come alongside and their deepest hour of need. Kristin, you're describing this, I'm reminded of research that comes out every year, it's I think it's called the loneliness index.
And it's never been higher than it is right now. And when you look at that, you think of all the social media connection, all the Pinterest stuff, and Facebook stuff, and you can connect in so many ways, that people are more lonely today than they've ever been. And really, what you're describing is an antidote to that loneliness, where, when you can, as neighbors share the burdens, the emotional burdens of each other, it makes life so much richer, so much better, even in the midst of difficulty, for those neighbors to be able to come and talk with you, and kind of pour their heart out to you. That's what you're talking about. Exactly. And that's really what I saw in my children, you know, or before I knew about the turquoise table before, you know, any of this, I, you know, I noticed, you know, Tony and I, you know, are raising digital natives.
And so as their communication styles and skills started to change, you know, there wasn't really a manual for that as a mom. Yeah. And so Tony and I were concerned, and we were like, you know, what do we do as parents is these raising these digital natives. And part of my concern, too, was in this digital era, to your point, yes, we're more connected than ever in history.
And yes, we are lonelier. And part of that is losing the art of just conversation. Yeah.
Back to that conversation that, you know, I was having in France. And so I was worried that my children, you know, who were learning about emojis and texting and things like this, could they even someday sit at a table for two hours and have a conversation. And so part of that, you know, was my heart and desire was to steward a place that that would help teach not only the kids and let's be honest, I'm on my phone, too.
I love it. Technology can be used for good. But to practice those skills.
And so because the hard times are coming. Well, I was gonna ask you about that. I mean, there you are sitting at the turquoise table in your front yard. Did your kids come out? Did your husband come out?
Or did you have to bribe them with special dessert? It depends. It depends.
A little of both. Because you probably have both extroverts and introverts in your family, if you're like every other family. So for the extroverts, it was a fun thing.
Let's go try this. How about the introverts in your family? This is so interesting. And this comes up early on in the conversation.
So I'm not surprised it's come up with us. You know, introverts are like, Oh, but this is hard and scary. And Tony is my husband. He is an introvert.
And he loves it for a couple of reasons. And here's why. Because I cannot speak as an introvert. I don't have an introverted, you know, bone in my body. So I, you know, but I have it on good authority from several introverted friends that there's something so relaxing and comforting about being outside.
You know, you don't feel trapped. There's like an easy way out. It's a front yard.
You can leave. Right. And then by design, picnic tables are small.
They're only meant to seat four, maybe six, eight, if you squish. And so it's that intimate conversation that it's fostering. So it's not like introverts love. So it's not like getting stuck at a big party where you're like, Oh, show me the door. And you know, this is exhausting me.
And so it meets a need, you know, for everyone. Yeah. And that's so good.
And the kids have responded well, you haven't damaged your children. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Let's wait on that. You know, it's interesting. Let's wait on that.
I can't, I'm not going to speak for them either. You know, you can have them. We have one on the line now. No, I'm kidding. Mom, I'm in counseling. Because of all those strangers you brought to the house. Right.
Who knows? But you know, it's interesting. They have, you know, and they're teenagers now. So in all, you know, people do ask, what do the kids think about it? And I'm not allowed to post photos of them or talk about them at the table, which is, I mean, that's, that's good. But they use it too.
They use it too. And I think that that's so important, you know, and Sarah is the youngest. And this is a great story of how our children are watching us at all times. And so we had new neighbors that moved in just recently. And I was sick.
I had laryngitis at the time. And we were kind of hoping it wasn't the flu and whatnot. But we saw the moving van and we knew they were coming. And shame on me, it had been like three days and I had not gone over and introduced myself.
And again, you know, I was sick and didn't want to, you know, take all the germs over. But Sarah, at 10 years old said, Mom, this is, I'm going over on behalf of the family and introducing ourselves. And so she did. She walked across the street, banged on the door. I don't know what she said. But she told me, she said, we're the shells. Here's my mom's number. Welcome to the neighborhood.
When mom's feeling better, she'll be over soon. And that to me, you know, it might be the one thing I remember of this whole entire year that maybe it was right. I'm claiming it only because it's so rare. But they do. They notice. And that was powerful to me as a mom. Well, that's great that you modeled that. And then it's also great that you put a timeframe on it. I hadn't thought about it. But we have neighbors and after a certain point in time after they move in, if you don't know them, you probably won't get to know them unless it's really awkward.
Like four years later, I wish I would have done the three day thing, right? Well, and it's interesting because you're right, then it does. It just becomes more awkward because then you're like, Oh, what's his name? What's her name? And then, you know, and so you have to just kind of push through that. And and one of the things too is is the most important thing and the most simple thing, you know, that I like to tell people if they're thinking about this, but overwhelmed and kind of just learn a name.
Learn somebody's name. Isn't that something? Now you've done this thousands of people are following suit.
I mean, this has become a thing, the turquoise table. And what were some of those barriers? Or if you could rattle off three or four of the reasons people say, Oh, you know what, love to try it.
That's great for you. I'm not quite wired that way. I mean, what are those barriers for us? I'm sure people listening right now.
Here's why I wouldn't hear the obvious ones. You know, homeowners associations, you know, maybe my neighborhood is not going to let me put a turquoise picnic table in my front yard. I don't live in a neighborhood, I mean, in a in a house, or I live in a very urban setting. And so I don't have a front yard.
Or in Texas, I live on a huge ranch and don't see neighbors for months and months and months. And so one of the things that we have brainstormed because remember, when I started this, this was just my table, I had no idea that I would become kind of the turquoise table lady and people would ask these questions. And so one of the things that we do is we just brainstorm, like, notice what is what's the rhythm of your neighborhood, because what works in Minnesota isn't going to work in Texas, and what works in Colorado Springs isn't going to work in Florida. But every neighborhood, and if you have a home of any kind of dwelling, you have a neighborhood. And so what are the rhythms? Where do people naturally tend to gather?
Where do they gravitate? And I suffer from analysis paralysis, you know, I can think about something until it's just, you know, totally over and I do, I make things harder than I need to. And I think that a lot of people do. And so this really is an exercise in simplicity. But more than that, you know, there's a freedom in that to take off, you know, sort of the pressures of it all. But from a faith, you know, standpoint, when we show up to a table, empty handed, almost a cold cup of water is sometimes all that we're told that we need to bring.
It allows God to do his thing. Well, that's what I hope people hear. Yeah, I mean, we get hung up on a picnic table. That's not really it.
It's a it's a junction. It's a facilitator of communication. I always say the table is not the hero of the story. God's people are.
And so if it's just, if it's an encouragement, or if it's just a reminder of you know, that we belong at his table, what a whimsical, fun way to do it. Describe how it has spread. What's the dimension of the turquoise table now? Well, it's where there are turquoise tables and communities in all 50 states, and I think 11 countries.
And so it's just, I mean, takes my breath away. France? Does France have one?
Yes, I know. That's the one I want to go visit. I've got to ask. Yes, that's the one I want to visit.
Yeah, you got to go sit at that table and practice your language skills. But every morning I wake up and you know, there are emails of people sharing their stories and how it's transformed their neighborhoods in the most simple and most beautiful, profound ways that I'm in awe still, just as much as I was that day that the table arrived, because I can't believe first of all, that this is how God would ask me to go on mission. I mean, that's really creative of God, right?
A turquoise picnic table. Well, yeah. I mean, that just is. Well, if he wasn't trying to wash it.
If he wasn't trying to wash it away, but so far. Maybe, no, I could go with turquoise. God makes turquoise, right?
God did make turquoise. That's right. Hey, let me ask you, years back now, this all started how many years ago? Seven, eight years? Five.
Okay, five years ago. As you look at it now, you know, on behalf of the person that's listening, going, I'm never doing that. I wouldn't do that. That's so outside of my capability or my interest.
What are the things that you've learned over those five years, the two or three core things that if you would be less rich in your spiritual life, in your emotional life, if you had not done it five years ago? Speak to that person who's the naysayer. Go ahead and try it. The challenge. Try it.
Here it is. Well, first of all, just on a very basic and personal level, I did not know any of my neighbors. I knew a few by name. I could wave at them.
We were friendly. And now I cannot imagine not knowing these people. And you know them at a depth.
At a depth. Oh, absolutely. When you've attended funerals, when you've attended births, when you are taking dinners down and praying over, you know, diagnoses. And so it's the highs and lows and all the celebrations. But to me, like, you sure can go through life and skim on all of that and just have that surface level. But once you've tasted that good bit of community and relationship, it is so hard to go back. You know, Kristen, this is so good. You're really challenging us to be a good neighbor.
Exactly what Jesus was challenging his disciples and followers to do as well. And folks, this is one of those resources that will really give you some practical ways that you can do this. It's not overwhelming. It's not too much. And the reward that comes back in the way of relationship and friendship, I think it'll make it all worth it. As Kristen said, five years looking back, I wouldn't do it any other way.
And I think that's fantastic. Kristen, thank you so much for being with us. Thank you.
It's my pleasure. And we hope that Kristen Schell has inspired you to reach out and to love your neighbor more intentionally. And of course, a great starting place is to get a copy of her book, The Turquoise Table.
That'll walk you through the process of kind of opening up your heart and your life to others. We have copies of that book, The Turquoise Table, right here at Focus on the Family. And when you order from us, those proceeds go right back into ministry. So please consider getting a copy from us. In fact, we'll send a copy of The Turquoise Table to you as our thank you gift when you make a donation of any amount to Focus on the Family today. Support the ministry and we'll send that book to you. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459. Or look for the contact information in the episode notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family.
I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. I'm here asking people how they could both give and get. I don't know, maybe love? Yeah, you could both give and get love. True, but it's also possible with a charitable gift annuity. You get a secure source of fixed income and a charitable tax deduction. Plus giving a charitable gift annuity to focus on the family helps families thrive for generations to come. I love that. Find out more, go to focusplannedgiving.com. That's focusplannedgiving.com.
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