Sharing Wisdom With the Next Generation (Part 1 of 2)

Silky's family was not in a good place.

She was failing as a wife and mother, but her arrest was the last straw. Focus on the Family helped me find hope. You never give up on helping others, for spreading the word of Jesus.

I'm Jim Daly. Today, Silky's family is thriving. Working together, we can help rescue and strengthen more families like hers.

Give today at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash Real Families. My mother could read and write, but not much more than that. But she was an incredibly wise woman. When I was a little boy, she used to tell me a story of a land far away, where as people got older, they would write a life lesson on a scroll.

And they'd keep those scrolls in the center of the village, and it'll hurt. And every so often, the elders would gather people together, and they'd read those lessons to them. They called that place the Wisdom House.

We're going to unlock some of the secrets of the Wisdom House today, and next time as well. This is Focus on the Family with your host, Focus President Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. Today's guest is Rob Parsons, and he's been one of my very good friends for over 25 years. He heads up Care for the Family in the United Kingdom, an effort that we helped co-found many years ago.

They minister to families in much the same way as we do here in the US, but they do it across the UK and around the world. Rob is a great storyteller and the author of several best-selling books. He's a lawyer by training, and he really has a tremendous insight into the faults and foibles of human beings, including his own.

That's why I like it so much. Today we're featuring a unique presentation that Rob calls the Wisdom House. After the birth of his fourth grandchild, Rob had an overwhelming desire to write a letter to each of his grandchildren, sharing with them some lessons that he has learned about life and love, the kind of advice that they'll need as young adults. And that's what we'll be listening to today. All right, here's Rob Parsons.

He's under a spotlight, sitting on a stage in a darkened auditorium in Edinburgh, Scotland, on today's episode of Focus on the Family. In my study, I've got two big old armchairs. I sit in this one to the right of the fireplace, and over there there's the other one, and suddenly in my mind I imagined my grandchildren, not as the little ones they are now, but as grown men and women in their 20s or 30s. And they'd sit in that old armchair, and somebody had broken their heart or trod all over one of their dreams.

Perhaps they were tired of trying to be somebody. They couldn't be just the police, somebody else. And we would talk long into the night.

And you get the chance to listen in. Well, here's Harry. Look at you, Harry.

My word, 23 years old. Harry, I understand you've got a difficult person in your office. Oh, I'm sorry, Harry. You know, difficult people are everywhere.

They're in our colleges, our universities, sometimes even our churches. Well, almost everybody seems to have a difficult person in their life. Well, Harry, let me tell you some things about difficult people.

Number one, difficult people are always going to be with us. You dream of the day they'll go. You imagine them leaving your business, your college, your university, sometimes even your church. And Harry, you know what happens?

The second they go, others rise up to take their place. So do you know what, Harry? You may as well live with the difficult people you've got. If you possibly can, perhaps you're difficult to them. But you know, Harry, sometimes you have to limit your exposure to your difficult people. Don't go on holiday with your difficult people.

Don't be a martyr. And you know what, Harry? Sometimes you have to find a level with your difficult person.

It's not ideal. One woman wrote to me and said, my sister is my difficult person. Since that big row at the wedding 10 years ago, we hardly speak.

A couple of Christmas cards, birthday cards, I long to have a conversation with her. And I said, don't cut it off. Perhaps keep it at that level for now. Perhaps some family trauma will bring you together. Sometimes you just have to find a level with your difficult person. But Harry, sometimes your difficult person is so difficult.

They will drain you of life, of energy. And you know, I know jobs are hard to get, Harry, but sometimes if possible you even need to move on. A supervisor, a manager, a partner will sometimes drain you of life and energy. But Harry, I want to recommend a different strategy to you. You normally can't change somebody else, but you can change yourself.

And because change is dynamic, often when we change, other people change as well. I think of a young woman now, 29 years old, a young lawyer in London. Boy, she was a gracious young woman, but she had a rod of steel down her back. Unfortunately, she had somebody supervising her in the law practice who was a very insecure man.

And he sorted that out by bringing other people down. She said he criticizes the way I dress, my telephone manner. If I draft a document, he makes sure to find something wrong with it.

She said, every morning I wake up I don't want to go to work. He's like it with everybody. And I gossip about him in the office, and I gossip too. And one day I thought, no, no I'm not going to do this anymore. And I stopped joining the gossip about him. And every job he gave me to do, I did it to the best of my ability. And when he did well, and I could do it sincerely, I praised him.

Jackie was great in court today. He'd not had that from his own father for goodness sake. And week by week, and month by month, and over a couple of years, his attitude to her began to change.

In fact, she became just about the only friend he ever had in life. And Harry, I commend that to you. And Harry, I love you dearly, you're my grandson for goodness sake. But I'm telling you this, there's one kind of difficult person that's particularly difficult, and that's your critic.

We've all got critics in our lives. But they are split into two categories. And Harry, it is desperately important that you spot the difference. The first kind are on your side, they're for you. They'll pull you back when you're going too fast, they'll keep you from foolish pride. What they say may hurt, but you need them.

The Bible says faithful are the wounds of a friend. But Harry, I'm telling you, the second kind are not on your side. They do not criticize to build you up, but to bring you down. They will criticize every aspect of your life. And Harry, you will try to please them, but you will never please them. Write that down Harry, you will never ever please them.

In fact, they don't want to be pleased. Where's the first kind of critic? Well, like a bricklayer trying to build something beautiful. The second, like demolition experts. They come along with a big steel ball to knock down what somebody else has built.

Harry, in a quiet moment, put the coffee on. Think about what they've said, there's a grain of truth in it, perhaps you're going to learn something. But don't spend your life looking over your shoulder wondering what they're making of you.

They will drive you crazy. I remember a letter from a woman, 75 years old. She said, I've spent 50 years, half a century, in the prison of other people's opinions of my life. Harry, your great-grandmother was poor.

We didn't have an inside toilet, we didn't have a bathroom, we didn't have running hot water, we didn't have toilet paper. But she was wise. And when I was about 13, she took me inside one day and she said, Rob, I know you have to mix with kids who have more money than us. But I want you to know this, you are as good as anybody. You're not better than anybody, treat all with respect, but you're as good as anybody, and I believe in you, there is nothing to prove. And Rob, later in life you may discover that you're special to God, and if that ever happens, whoa, it changes everything.

Harry, you want a thing to set a kid into a world with? I am accepted, I am loved, there is nothing to prove. But you know, Harry, when we believe that, we can more easily discover our own individual gifts.

I think God's given each of us special gifts, talents, and when we know who we are, we discover them more easily. Wayne Gretzky may be one of the greatest ice hockey players who ever lived. And one day somebody said to Gretzky, hey Gretzky, how come you're so good? He said, I skate where the puck is going to be.

I skate where the puck is going to be. Somebody said to a sports psychologist, could we train that into young athletes? She couldn't stop laughing for a month, this is Gretzky's innate gift. Harry, your great grandmother didn't go to church, but one day somebody knocked the door of our little house, some little chapel on the corner of our street, it was Miss Williams, the Sunday school teacher. And she said, would any boys or girls in this house like to come to Sunday school? And my mother said, he'd like to go. And she took me by the hand and led me down the road and into the world of Sunday school. What a woman she was, she never did get married, she never had kids of her own, Miss Williams had thousands of children. Very long ago, they asked me to speak at the 100th anniversary of that little chapel. And as I left, somebody pulled my coat, and a voice said, do you remember me? It was Miss Williams. I thought she was 110 when she came to get me when I was four, only just stopped myself saying, you're still alive. Oh the story she told us, the boy who bought his lunch did Jesus, the man who could walk on water, but we love best of all David and Goliath.

Because we're all out of bully in school, we'd like to see decapitated. But how long until I was about 50 years old, I discovered something about that story that changed my life. Basically what happens is this, the young shepherd boy goes to the king and says, oh king, your soldiers were afraid of the giant, but I'll have a crack at him. And King Saul says, well you can, but you have to wear my armor. Now David doesn't want to offend him, he's the king of Israel for goodness sake. So he climbs into this stuff, the minute he does, he knows he's made a dreadful mistake.

He can hardly move in this stuff. Now Harry, I don't know what happened over the next couple of minutes, but it must have been something like this. Oh king, I don't want to offend you, you're the king of Israel for goodness sake. But I can't wear your armor, because I'm not you.

If you will set me free with this sling and a couple of stones, you will see things you can only dream of. Harry, the world is full of people who want to make you wear their armor. Sometimes teachers will do it, friends will do it, sometimes husbands or wives will do it, employers will do it. They want you to be just like them. And you must respect them, you can look up to them, you can learn from them, but you can't wear their armor. You have to be you. And sometimes you have to stop playing the old karaoke machine trying to be somebody else, and say for good or ill this is me.

And then with every fiber in your body, give it all you've got. Well Harry, you're going to go now I know, but I've got to see your cousin Lily in a moment, she's got a big day tomorrow if you know, so I'll see you later. Oh Lily, look at you, 25 years old. Come and give Pops a kiss. Oh darling, take a seat.

Big day tomorrow. Your mother showed me the dress, you're going to look lovely. And by the way, can I suggest you take a good look at your groom tomorrow in that church? Because frankly Lily, he's going to look about as good tomorrow as he's ever going to look in life. Oh darling, you love him very much don't you?

I know you do. And darling, that's why it's hard for Pops to talk to you about what I want to talk to you about, but you know we've had lots of talks in this old room haven't we? You sat in that chair when you were 16 and you failed your first big exam and you cried. And I made you cocoa.

And you sat there a year later when your first real boyfriend finished with you. And I told you there were plenty more fish in the sea. And you told me that when people get very old, they say the silliest things. Darling, I don't expect you to believe or understand what I'm about to say to you. But I want you to put it in the back pocket for tomorrow. I want to talk to you about the nature of love. You know for many years Pops worked with a big family charity and I was often interviewed on radio or television and people would say to me, Mr Parsons, what is the greatest threat to family life today?

I always gave the same answer. It is the very modern belief that love is just a feeling. And when the feeling goes, then we can walk away.

Now listen darling, I worked with that charity for almost 40 years. I saw enough pain in a week to last me a lifetime. I know it's not always possible, even desirable to keep every relationship together. I know that, but darling I'm telling you this. Unless sometimes you can love when the feeling's gone at least for a while. Love not just with your heart but with your will. You will never know love for a lifetime with anybody. And although darling you feel it quite impossible now, I'm telling you the time may come for you or perhaps for both of you. When one day you will wake up and you won't feel as in love as you do today. And everything will scream out like, oh it's over.

And then my darling, you will have to make a big decision. Whether because at the moment the feeling is gone you can just walk away. Or whether you can somehow fight to try to keep that love again. I understand tomorrow in church darling, the preacher's going to read that lovely poem of love from 1 Corinthians 13. As he does, listen to him.

You will hear nothing about feelings. This is a love that does things. Love keeps no record of wrongs, it is not proud, it is not arrogant, it is not self-seeking. I go to write my books in a little cottage overlooking Carmarthen Bay in Swansea. And a couple of years ago it's an August day and I'm walking on the beach, the sun is shining. It looks as though somebody's taken a million diamonds and scattered them across the surface of the sea.

It's just beautiful. And as I walk back up to my cottage, there's an old fisherman there. And I say, it's idyllic isn't it?

I don't know if he was always in a bad temper or just tired of tourists that day. But he barked back at me, you should see it in winter. And you know what Lily, when I walked on that beach the next day it was equally lovely. But I felt the sand and the sea and the hills whisper to me, would you love us in January? Darling, January love comes to every relationship. This is not the summer of our love, this is winter, this is frost to see whether it is possible for that love to grow through the hard soil again. You know, some time ago a young couple came into my office.

She is cradled, a little girl of six months old. I said, why are you leaving your wife and your little girl? He said, because I don't feel in love anymore. When we got married I was so in love but I don't feel like that now. I said, did nobody tell you that feelings of love go up and down? Did nobody tell you sometimes you have to love not just with the heart but with the will? Did nobody ever tell you about January love? And he looked at me and he said, no, nobody told me that. And I look at this little girl, she is six months old.

And the first man in her life is about to walk out on her forever. And nobody told him that. Nobody sums up this for me like Richard Seltzer. Seltzer was a surgeon, he wrote a book called Mortal Lessons in the Art of Surgery. I know why he wrote word for word in one of the chapters.

He said, I stand by a bed where a young woman lies. Her face post-operative, her mouth twisted and palsy, clownish. To remove a tumour in her cheek I have cut a little nerve. I promise you with religious fervour I have followed the curve of her flesh. Nevertheless, to remove the tumour I have cut her nerve. Her mouth is twisted, it will be thus from now on. I watch her and her husband dwell in the evening lamplight of the ward.

I ask myself, who are this couple who touch each other so generously, so greedily? The young woman looks up and speaks. Will my mouth always be like this?

I say, yes it will, it is because the nerve was cut. She nods and is silent, but the young man smiles and says, I like it, it's kind of cute. And he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I so close, I can see his altar in the shape of his lips to prove their kiss will still work. Do I remember that in ancient times the gods appeared as man?

And a home of breath had let the wonder in. Darling, that young man wasn't a god, but he was saying something like this to himself. You know, darling, when we got married you looked like this, and I know you would love to look like that now, but I will love you.

And there will come a time in all our relationships, especially with a husband or with a wife, when at times our partner becomes unattractive physically, intellectually, emotionally, and we are called at least for time to alter the shape of our lips to see if the kiss can still work. You know, darling, one of the most famous books in the English language is Captain Correlli's Manderland. Cephalonia, the Greek island, Second World War, and the young Puyallupja is in love with the dashing army captain, the young Italian Captain Correlli, but her old father, Pelagia the doctor, wants to give us some advice about love. And I want to give it to you the day before your wedding. Now look, darling, it's a bit saucy near the end, but you're a grown woman and I am an old man, so we'll get to it. When you fall in love it is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then it subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together. It is inconceivable that you should ever part because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not lying awake at night imagining he is kissing every part of your body, for that is just being in love, which any of us can't convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away. Darling, it will be a lovely day tomorrow. You know, I used to make lots of speeches. If you let me make a speech, I'll do okay or I'll lose my place in my glasses, but I'll do okay for you, but I will cry. Now give Pops another kiss and I'll see you tomorrow. Here comes Freddy.

Look at you, little scrum half. Freddy, I want to talk to you briefly about friendship. You know, when I was in school there was a boy in my class called Roger Lewis. He was handsome, he was clever, he came topping all the tests, and he was fast, he won all the races. It was as if heaven had found a big box of gifts and used them all up on Roger, all the talents on Roger. And one day I said to my mother, I'm going to ask Roger Lewis a question on Monday. And she said, what's the question? And I told her, and she said, well, practice it in front of the mirror. And I did, ten times. And as I'm going to school on Monday morning I practice under my breath and as I'm going to the school the other night I nearly lose my courage because there's Roger Lewis with all his courtiers around him.

But I push my way through until I'm face to face with him. And I ask the question I practiced all weekend, Roger? Roger, would you like to be my best friend?

Roger Lewis started to laugh. You know, I had a little nickname in school, Freddy. And pretty soon that nickname was echoing all around the playground, parsnips, parsnips, parsnips. Who'd want parsnips to be their best friend?

Later on in life, thankfully, Freddy, a couple of people did. But you know the funny thing about friendship, Freddy? When we're young we have lots of friends, but as we get older we lose touch with friends. But friendship's important. A study in Duke Medical Center said having two or three close friends, you don't need a Christmas card list of a thousand, two or three close friends will affect your emotional, your physical health, even your longevity. But it's hard to make close friends these days because there's a key to friendship that's very hard, and it's vulnerability.

We don't like being vulnerable. You know, if you ever get married, you'll have kids, people will start sending you their Christmas family newsletters. Don't open those envelopes.

They're dangerous things. They'll tell you they have to knock the garage down to make way for the trophy room. They'll tell you all the kids' exams. You just want someone to write you as kids failed something.

Don't open those letters. We're all busy telling each other how great we're doing. On social media or what have you.

But I'm telling you this, write this down. If you want acquaintances, tell them your successes. But if you want friends, tell them your fears. You can't wear your heart and your sleeve with everybody, but you've got to be prepared to be vulnerable. You might be in the student union and another student will say, I'm not coping with this course and you say, well, I struggled last year.

I have to repeat a year. You might be in the office and someone will say, you know what, I'm in trouble with one of our teenagers. You know, a couple of years ago we had a bit of trouble with one of ours. Somebody might say to you, I'm a bit depressed. Well, I went through a bit of depression a couple of years ago. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.

When we are vulnerable, we are drawn to people and they are drawn to us. You know, Freddie, four years ago I got off a plane in Johannesburg. I turned my phone back on, there was a text message, ring home urgently. And I rang home and my good friend Bob had died. I didn't even know Bob was ill. Bob was a builder.

And he understood the joke of that as well. Bob the builder. I remember hunkering down in baggage reclaim, crying like a baby. But for days I rang his mobile phone, I wanted to hear Bob's voice.

Bob was my friend. Once a month, four of us played snooker together. That's like pool but on a much bigger table and much more difficult. The biggest score you can get in snooker is 147.

All the reds and all the colors in exactly the right order. And on a chalkboard we used to keep a note of the highest score we'd ever achieved in ten years, 35. And when I got back from South Africa, I noticed Bob would sneak back into the room. For the last time I'd written Bob 146.

Even when cheating he wasn't able to claim a perfect score. We have decided it will never ever be erased. Bob was my friend. Did we ever fall out? Yes we did. Did we argue?

Yes. Did we offend each other? Yes we did. But like a grumpy old couple we made up. And once in a while we told each other that we mattered.

Don't be sniffy about emotion Freddy. Don't be afraid to tell your friends they matter to you. Make that phone call. Give that forgiveness if you possibly can.

Send that email. Friends matter. Don't lose them if you possibly can. Rob Parsons on today's episode of Focus on the Family speaking right from his heart. We've been sort of eavesdropping on conversations that he's planning to have with his grandchildren when they become young adults. That's right John. These are important lessons that Rob wanted to impart.

And we thought they deserved a wider audience. You know during difficult seasons of life we need to remember the principles that Rob shared such as there will always be unpleasant or awkward people in your life. Be kind to them.

That's such a beautiful thing. Make a commitment to love your spouse even when you don't feel in love. And be sure to tell your friends that they really are important to you. And we'll have more insight from Rob Parsons next time. And as Rob illustrated today it's critical to have someone you can talk to and learn from. That wise often older person who's already experienced what you're going through. And if you feel like you don't have that kind of person in your life please feel free to call us here at Focus on the Family. We have a really compassionate group of men and women available to answer your call.

Listen to your concerns and pray with you. And perhaps suggest further resources that can help you. And if your situation warrants it they can have one of our caring Christian counselors give you a call back.

Here's a good example. A note we received from Claudia. She said, A few years ago I was in an abusive marriage and had no one else to turn to. So I called Focus on the Family. I spoke to a member of your staff and she gave me the courage to get myself and my children to a safer environment. I just can't express how grateful I am to the Lord and to the kind workers at Focus on the Family. Thank you for being there for people like me. John, that is exactly why we're here.

It really is. And it sounds like Claudia was in a pretty dire situation so I'm glad we had the resources here to help when she called. Ah John, so am I. I hate to think of what could have happened in that abusive marriage if she hadn't called us. Of course, that's an extreme example but I think it helps illustrate the fact that we really do want to help. And we're equipped to do so thanks to donors like you. You know, the past year has been very tough for families and we've tried to address many of those pain points through this daily broadcast.

We want to be there for you and provide advice from experts that can help. So please consider donating to help us continue this important work. And when you make a donation of any amount, we'll send you a CD of this complete presentation from Rob Parsons. Get a copy for a friend who has a teen or young adult if you're not in that spot today. Yeah, just give us a call. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family.

Or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and get your CD. Next time, more wisdom from Rob Parsons. A friend of mine is a professor of psychology at Oxford University. He said a fascinating thing to me not long ago. He said, Rob, most people believe a future event will make them happy. If I could win the lottery, if we could move house, if I could get an exam, if we could do this, if I could get that promotion, I'd be really happy. He said, Rob, most happy people grasp it now.

Because now is all we've got. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us for this Focus on the Family podcast. Please take a moment and leave us a review, give us a rating wherever you get your podcast, and share this with a friend. Tell someone who might have some young adults that could be influenced by what Rob has to share. Well, I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Help your teen girl live out her faith. Subscribe at Briomagazine.com. That's Briomagazine.com.