The Joys and Challenges of Marrying Your Opposite

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Asking directions is a sign of weakness. Well, I wonder if you ever feel like that couple there. You're married and you love each other, but there are some things you are just on way different pages over. And that's really our subject on today's Focus on the Family, how to navigate those differences and have some fun with them. Our host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. And Jim, I'm looking forward to the discussion. So am I, John.

You know, it's so funny listening to that clip. Opposites do attract. I know it's not everybody's scenario and don't bother writing on that. We know that there are some couples that are very similar and we get it, but usually it's opposites that do attract.

I don't know God's chemistry there and what he put in us as human beings to be attracted to someone who thinks differently. I think it's a good thing, but it does create some very humorous moments. It does, absolutely. And it seems, Jim, that those differences get accentuated with the years.

I don't know. That's my personal experience. I can remember when Gene and I did our premarital counseling when we went in. We went in goo-goo-eyed and we were saying, we're so much alike. We like all the same things. And we sat through a week's worth of, you know, like every night of premarital counseling. And we walked out of there at the end going, we are so different. Are we going to be okay? And that's a good thing for premarital counseling because you want to be tested that you really are committed to each other regardless of your differences, not your similarities.

And you know what? Here at Focus on the Family, we want to help you with that. If you're not married yet and you're thinking, who would be right? We have resources to help you. If you're married and you're thinking, uh-oh, have I made a mistake?

We want to certainly be there for you in that circumstance to give you some help and to put an arm around you and make sure that God's in control and that you can make it through it. And we have a guest today who will say that very thing. She is married to an opposite. And it's Melanie Schenkel. She's been a guest on this broadcast before. She's delightful. She's the founder of the popular Big Mama blog and author of the book The Antelope in the Living Room, the real story of two people sharing one life.

And she lives with her husband and opposite, Perry, and their daughter, Caroline, in the San Antonio, Texas area. And Melanie, it's great to have you back at Focus on the Family. Thank you. It's great to be here.

Okay, let's start right there. I mean, the whole thing about the antelope in the living room. I'm assuming that's a stuffed antelope head, but what's going on here? You are correct.

You're correct. My husband, my sweet husband, is a hunter and loves to hunt. And we've had deer heads in our living room, which I'm fine with. I mean, we have. It sounds a little odd.

Many women would not be fine with that. Well, but, you know, we're in Texas and that's part of it. And I knew it when I married him. It was part of the deal.

And so we've had those things. But there was a time I was out of town and I knew he had gone on this hunt months before and shot a nilgai antelope, which a nilgai antelope, if you, I'm going to give you a picture in your head, kind of looks like a huge cow with horns is what it looks like. I've seen a cow with horns before, but they go up in the air.

They kind of go up in the air, but straight up, it's not the prettiest thing you'll ever see. That's what I'm going to tell you. A nilgai antelope. You can look it up on Google, but it, he had shot one.

Well, I never thought to ask, what did you do with it or whatever? I knew that we ate the meat because that's what we do, eat what he shoots. And so I knew that we had done that.

Well, I had gone on a trip right before Thanksgiving with some girlfriends. And when I got home that day, I walked into the house and there was, I can't even describe it to you, a huge nilgai antelope head hanging right next to my front door in my living room. It looked like the thing had been running down the block and crashed through the front of our house. There it was. It was that big.

It kind of looked like a cow with horns. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. I've heard they looked like a cow with, it was enormous. I can't even tell you how big this thing is. I mean, it's like a 2000 pound animal.

So I got to ask you all of a sudden, were you happy or sad? No, I looked at him and I said, I don't understand why you hate our house and why you would do that. And I don't understand. Like we live in a small little cottage house.

We don't live in some big ranch house that lends itself to big animals hanging on the wall. I mean, this thing was a monstrosity. And so I said, I don't even know what to do.

Well, he was angry. And so I laughed because it really was one of those moments that ended with us really not speaking to each other for like two days. And I thought he's got this trophy that shows so proud of that I hate and I don't want in our living room. And I thought this is one of those things. And that's when I thought if I ever write a book on marriage, I'm going to call it the antelope in the living room.

Because these are the proverbial antelopes in the living room and the literal antelopes in the living room that caused some friction and tension in marriage. Well, I got to ask the question then, is it still hanging in the living room? Well, I will tell you, it did for a long time. It did for a long time. Does that mean a few weeks or a few years?

No, no, a few years. That Christmas, it loomed over our Christmas trees. You can hang decorations from those horns. Well, it wore a Santa hat. It wore a Santa hat and a Rudolph's nose. I mean, it was dressed up. But every time I would walk in the living room because this the way this thing loomed, I would be like, and lo, an antelope of the Lord appeared.

Because it just, it just covered. But the good news is, is about six months ago, we redid my daughter's playroom. And we kind of made it into her little game room. And she said the magic words that never would have worked for me. She said, Daddy, I would really like to have that antelope in my playroom. Oh, my goodness. Oh, she's daddy's girl. So now the antelope is in the playroom.

How much did you pay? She wanted you would speak to her in her sleep. That is it's the subconscious messages paid off. What a delightful daughter you must have. Yes, I'm forever indebted.

I'm forever indebted. Talk about that the differences. Why do you think God puts that in us to be attracted to someone that doesn't think the way we think? Is it to get rid of our selfishness? I think that's a part of it.

I think it's to get rid of your selfishness. And I think it's to, to just kind of refine each other. You know, I just especially as Perry and I have been married, you know, longer and longer. I just see in so many aspects, whether it's parenting or in social settings, or, you know, whatever it is that we just our strengths and weaknesses are really designed to complement each other.

And the places where I tend to, you know, have weaknesses, and maybe not stand up for myself, or maybe not say no, or overcommit, you know, that's where Perry will come in and be like, you just need to tell him no, I'll tell him that for you. You know, it's, it's that and it helps balance, it balances us out. And I think God does that to create I mean, you know, the two become one. And ideally, that's one balanced person. And I think that works well, when you've got your different strengths. It can also create great tension. Oh, for sure. And it may not come out in the nice phase of your relationship, perhaps the dating phase, you kind of look right through it, you may be blind to it.

Yes. Shortly after marriage, somewhere along the line, first year, third year, fifth year, those things become more irritants. How do we as married people manage that better understand that look, you're not going to be able to control the person you married, you want to become one flesh, but you've got to be able to take a deep breath and realize that God has created your mate in a different way than he created you. I think, you know, one of the things I told myself early on, in marriage, and after Perry and I got married, and I realized we were different in so many ways. And sometimes I didn't understand what his priorities were, or especially, you know, when it comes to money, which is a whole other thing, how we wanted to spend money and what we thought was important and all those different things. But I thought I really want to treat him the way I would treat my best friend. And it was that realization of I should be treating my husband with that same kindness and that same sense of forgiveness, because I realized I was so much more willing to overlook things in my best girlfriend than I was in my husband. And I was holding him to a higher standard that ultimately, I thought that's not, that's not fair.

I mean, he's also my best friend in a different way, you know, and just that I need to treat him with that kindness and understanding of who he is and what's important to him. Now, looking back, when you and Perry were courting each other, first of all, tell us a bit about how that came about, given that you're kind of opposite. But how did that come about? And did you not see those things in that context until after you're married? You know, I think that it's interesting, we met, we both were at Texas A&M, we met at a Bible study there called Breakaway. And we just were friends, you know, just mutual acquaintances. And then we both ended up in San Antonio after graduation.

And that was when we were reintroduced and, and met at that time. And I knew, you know, he was kind of different to me. I mean, his, his family had grown up with ranches, and he was an outdoorsman, his dad had been a big outdoorsman. And so that was such a part of his life, my family's idea of an outdoor activity is golf at best. I mean, that's, that's about where we rough it on the golf course, maybe the tennis court sometimes, but you know, that we don't have a cart.

No, nothing that goes bang. Yeah, no, no guns, no, you know, and so I knew that that was part of his and I loved it, you know, to me, it was interesting to go down there and, and go to the ranch and see wild hogs and deer in this whole world that I didn't really even know existed, even though I grew up in Texas, too, I just had such a different city upbringing. But, you know, I think in the way that girls do, you tend to be more into all those differences when you're dating, you know, it was kind of like, Oh, I would love to get up at 5am and hunt with you tell me more about that. Now, you know, you couldn't pay me to get up at 5am and go hunt with them. But you know, when you're dating, you're willing to, you know, take one for the team a little bit. So and then it's later, maybe it's a bait and switch. Maybe it's not fair. It sounds like bait and switch. Yeah, a little bit, a little bit, but it's accommodation.

It is it is. And now, you know, I'll still go out and hunt sometimes, but it just requires I need to bring my magazines with me and the temperature needs to be just right. And I need to be preferably in a blind that doesn't have bugs and a heater and a heater microwave, it always helps to warm up your latte. Other than that, I'm like a pioneer. Hey, when you talk about that realization that maybe we're different, I think you have a story in your book on your honeymoon, where that that difference came out, you thought it would be what and then what did Perry expect out of your honeymoon?

Well, there are a whole lot of things. But I will tell you that the biggest of what what stood out to me was when we got on the plane, you know, we were going to the Bahamas, and we were going to be at a resort for a week. And so I brought a book because I'm a reader.

That's what I love to do. And so I brought a nice I mean, I'd researched Moby Dick or something through a week, something like that, you know, it was probably, you know, who knows, but I had brought a book and we got on the plane for our first leg of our flight. And we got all settled in. And, and I opened up my book, you know, and we'd already at that point been together for 24 hours. So you know, you've you've rehashed the wedding, and you've talked and so I was ready to read my book. And he said, What are you doing? And I said, Well, I'm reading. And I said, Did you bring anything to read? And he pulled out a Cabela's catalog. This is an outdoors place.

Outdoors catalog. I like this guy. He pulls it out, and he thumbs through it. And the plane, you know, they hadn't even I don't even think everybody was even on board yet. And he said, Well, I'm done with that. What now? I was like, Do you not read? And he was like, Not really.

I don't like to read books. And I just, it was that moment of we dated for two years, like you would have thought that would have come up. But it just didn't cover that.

We never we never covered that. And to this day, he's like, you just tell me about your book. So it was that whole thing. And then we were on a three hour flight and I read on flights.

That's what I do. But all of a sudden he was that passenger that you hate to sit next to because I want to talk. The whole time. Instead of letting you read your book.

Hang on. Did you call your mom and said, I met the most horrible passenger on the plane. Unfortunately, he's my new husband.

Yes, my new husband who doesn't like to read. So, you know, librarians and barbarians, something like that. So there's this guy mall catalog. Yeah, well, that's it. Yeah, he had some options. He had some options. I think we ended up doing like a crossword puzzle and maybe some of that, you know, Sudoku kind of thing, which I can't do.

But I pretended. It's so funny and I know for Jean and I, it's funny because she was a night person and I was a morning person. That was our big distinction. And, you know, having children changes that for a woman and she's learned to accommodate early mornings and late evenings. So she's everything now. But when we were first married, she would not talk before 10 o'clock.

I mean, literally, I thought she was mad at me every morning because I wake up bubbly, ready to go. Let's go conquer the day. Let's let's pray. You know, let's ask the Lord to give us that strength. And then at night I'd be and she's all, hey, let's let's have some prayer time. I'm going, you know, if I bow my head, I think I might fall asleep. And it's just the way we're wired.

How do you find that middle ground where you can say, OK, here's where we can meet? You know, I think it takes a while to find your rhythm. I mean, we had that same thing, night owl, early morning. You know, Perry's an early bird. I'm a night owl. And I think it just takes some adjusting and adapting and figuring out what's important. And, you know, and I learned early on he didn't care if I slept until 10 o'clock on weekends. You know, he's fine with that.

And I didn't care if he got up early. I think a lot of times that friction in marriage is wrapped right around that. There's no solution. You get better. You start resenting your spouse and you don't find solution. You don't have a desire anymore. And then the relationship just becomes so brittle that nobody wants to invest in it any longer.

And then you end up in counseling or on your way to divorce court, even within the Christian community. For you, what's a sign that you need help? I mean, when you're there and you're in that situation, the opposites and the humors, perhaps no longer there.

And now it's become more like battle. What does a woman do particularly speak to that woman in that situation? You know, I think that's it's hard. You know, for me, that's when I really begin to pray. And I've just learned over the years that sometimes the trick is to act like I'm still in love, even if I don't feel like I'm still in love. You know, I think feelings can be so deceitful. You know, I think your feelings can lead you astray and you can just start to think, well, I don't feel it. And so if I don't feel it, then I'm not going to act on it.

And so I'm going to quit doing these acts of kindness or these things that I've done. And sometimes I've learned if I'll just ask the Lord to give me strength to just kind of power through and to still treat Perry the way that I know he wants to be treated and to respect him and to love him and to encourage him, even if I don't necessarily feel it, that a lot of times I feel like it comes back around. Sometimes it's just working through. And I think that, you know, what you learn in being married for any amount of time is I mean, there are highs and lows. I mean, I feel like, you know, I could go back over our marriage. And if you looked at a map, there are probably years that look like mountaintops and there are years that look like valleys. And, you know, both of those.

I mean, if you can find a good level and sometimes that's just continuing to just love each other and encourage each other, even if you don't feel it in that moment, because I think things take place. And, you know, with a woman, I know you can have a million things on your mind. You're worried about your finances. You're worried about what's going to be for dinner. You're worried about how your kids are doing in school. You're worried about your, you know, your community and your friends and your church and your Bible study group. And it's hard to not let all those things pile up to where you lose sight of your marriage, but it's just to continue to make that a priority and just ask God to give you the strength because sometimes you're not going to feel it.

And it's only going to be by trusting him and letting him guide you through that path. Melanie Shankle is our guest today on Focus on the Family, sharing some insightful and some funny stories as well from her book, The Antelope in the Living Room. And we've got copies of that here. It's at the website.

Just check the episode notes to learn more. And it might be that along the way here we've touched on some tender issues related to your marriage. If so, please reach out to us and let us connect you with one of our Caring Christian Counselors. They're available to hear your story, to pray with you and point you to additional resources, even in your local area.

The number is 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459. And now more from Melanie Shankle on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Melanie, I so appreciate your humor in your heart. Let's touch on the really sticky issue, in-laws.

I don't know, it's so funny. Talk about your experience with Perry. And I think it was a holiday you guys were coming together and you were just married, right? Yes, we had just been married. In-laws are such a tricky thing. And I think that's such a, I have to be careful because my mother-in-law is probably listening. Well, you're talking generically or about your friend Sue. Yeah, well, that's right.

That's right. And I love my mother-in-law, but it's so hard because you've got two different families that have been two different ways and, you know, and sometimes you're just different. And what I had learned, my husband's, for the first Thanksgiving I spent with his family or one of the first, I had been with him a couple of Thanksgivings, but this was after we were married. And I felt his mom does a very traditional Thanksgiving. It is turkey and dressing and green beans and rolls.

Sounds good to me. And that's it. But I like variety. I came from where everybody brought all these different dishes and there was green bean casserole and there was broccoli rice casserole and there was sweet potato casserole.

And I decided I missed the variety. So I took it upon myself that I was going to create a little of that at the next Thanksgiving. And so I called my mother-in-law and asked her if I could bring anything. And she told me no. And I said, well, I would really like to bring broccoli rice casserole because it's my favorite and I miss it at holidays. And so she's gracious and said that would be great. Well, my husband has a brother that's seven years younger than him.

So and so at the time was, you know, in his 20s. And so I brought this, my broccoli rice casserole, and I said it in the middle and his brother, oh, what is that? And I was like, well, it's broccoli rice casserole. He was like, it smells.

What does that smell? And it's like, well, it's got cheese whiz in it. It's cheese whiz. And it was just cheese whiz. What are you putting cheese whiz in there? And have you never had it?

I've never had yours. Obviously, we'll have to post the recipe for this on the website. Listen, it's everything, and cream of mushroom soup. It's everything you shouldn't eat, but it makes the broccoli delicious.

Obviously, it gives it a motor. It gives it a little, well, cheese whiz has a little bit of a, I mean, it's cheese in a jar with a long shelf life. So you showed up with this delicious traditional dish of your family. Well, yes, that I was very excited.

It was the food of my people. Did anybody else jump in at this point? No, nobody else. Including your husband.

Or standing alone. No, I was a woman alone with my broccoli rice casserole. I said it was as if I had plopped a dead rat in the middle of the table and said, here you go, I hope you all enjoy it. So this was Perry's moment to step up, but he didn't.

How did that make you feel? I know. Well, and I don't know that he didn't step up. I'm trying to remember. I knew he wouldn't necessarily eat it. You'd remember if he did. I know.

I know. I think it was kind of like a, it was like nobody mentioned it. It was the broccoli rice casserole in the living room, I guess. Did you bring that the next year?

I didn't. I haven't brought it back since. Now I just make it for myself. I eat it in the privacy of my home and you know, so it is what it is. It's your comfort food. It is. It's my comfort food. Nobody appreciated the cheese whiz. That is so funny.

It's just a different taste. Hey, you talk in your book about that idea of commitment to your vows. And you know, in this culture today, it's like a corporate slogan now. You know, we care.

Or the customer's first. We kind of take our marital vows in that same way. Yeah, they sound great, but we really don't have to live up to them.

You're saying no. I mean, there are things in that commitment that are holy that are sacred when it comes to this idea of through sickness or in health. How have you had to deal with that in your marriage? With marriage, it's just you do say those vows, you know, and it's just part of what you say. And I think everybody can repeat the marriage vows and we know what they are. But what you're really doing is you're taking on that person.

I mean, the two are becoming one. And if everyone would look at that before you ever get into marriage to realize what a commitment that is and what you're vowing to do, I mean, because you don't know what life is going to throw your way. And I think that's what Perry and I have seen over our years of marriage is, you know, you say those things, but you don't know what in sickness and in health means until one of you actually get sick and you've got to take care of them. And, you know, you don't know what it means, you know, for better or for worse. I mean, when that person is kind of unlovable and you don't like them much that day, but that you're going to stay committed anyway.

And it's so much beyond just a heart thing. It's got to be a head thing to stay engaged and to remember that you made a commitment before your family and before God and that you're going to honor those vows because I think the world tells us that it can be disposable and you can walk away when it's not working. But I think that's such a lie because, you know, having come from divorced home, I mean, you realize how so much of that is.

Divorce may seem like an easy solution, but you're ultimately opening yourself up to just a whole other set of issues and problems and things, and it's not going to be the easiest solution. Now, did Perry have some issues or did you have issues? How do you speak from experience in that regard? Well, one of the biggest things is when Perry has had some back issues, he's had some back problems. Carrying all that antelope. Well, it is. It's carrying the antelope, which you say, but I think there's some truth to that. If you're going to continually hoist up, you know, 200-pound deer at some point, you may have, and, you know, men aren't known for, you know, being smart about sometimes the way they lift things because they're going to show off their raw brute strength, you know. It helps around your friends. That's it.

That's it. But Perry had some back problems, and so he's had three different back surgeries since we've been married. And it is that thing of there's something very kind of sobering about watching them get your husband prepped in pre-op and knowing that he's going back, and you know that it's supposed to be a routine surgery, but it's his health, and, you know, and he has a landscape business. We're very dependent on his physical health for, you know, his income and his job, and you just realize this is a different deal. Like everybody's, you know, even his family is now looking to me. I'm the one in charge of his healthcare. I'm the one in charge of, like, making sure that he's going to be taken care of and that this is going to be all right and finding him the, you know, the help he needs to get better.

So true. I remember when I broke my ankle from a motorcycle accident, which we won't talk too much about, but a friend of mine, because I was, you know, I had to stay off it. Certainly for the first few weeks I was in bed.

You know, I did make it into the office on crutches a couple of times, but they really wanted me off it for that first week or two. And I can remember a friend brought over, partly as a sense of humor, he brought over a bell that I could ring. And I remember when he brought it over, the scowl that Jean had on her face. I mean, it was not well received by my wife. She thought that was a little bit rude. But, you know, she was so great. And, you know, when you can't get up, if you think about this land there and you can't get up for a drink of water, you've got to constantly throughout the day say, Honey, can I have another glass of water? That can really get on you.

And she was so good about that and just all the little things that she did. But that's an illustration of what you've got to do in that moment. And I know some couples are suffering because it's prolonged, it's chronic, whatever that ailment might be. And you can grow weary in that. But I think the Lord is pleased and has a smile on his face when you can show his character in that situation.

Yes, yes, I think that's true. And I think that's just, it's a tangible way of showing your love for that person, you know, that I'm willing to serve you and be here and I want to walk you through this. Those circumstances are always reminders, too, that it doesn't always turn out the way we plan. I mean, you enter into marriage, you're both typically strong and vibrant, and those corners come and that's kind of the test.

What is this really all about? Yeah, I think that's so true. And I mean, I think we experienced that when I went through my miscarriage years ago and it was just such a hard time for me emotionally and physically and everything. And for me, at that point, we'd been married five years, and I always look back at that point and think it was the first time that I realized almost the depth of how much Perry loved me and cared for me because I wasn't his happy, smiling wife.

You know, I'm generally an upbeat person, but that he loved me when I was in bed and depressed and couldn't get up and that he walked me through that and encouraged me. And sometimes you need those moments in marriage because I think they knit you together a little bit deeper when you've been through something hard together. Some wise words from Melanie Shankle today on Focus on the Family about how you can survive and thrive in marriage through both the good and the difficult seasons of life.

And as we mentioned, Melanie has captured her story in a pretty funny yet very meaningful book called The Antelope in the Living Room, the real story of two people sharing one life. I so appreciate Melanie's honest reflections about navigating some significant differences with her husband, Perry. And rather than letting their opposite likes and dislikes drive them crazy, which we tend to do, the Shankles learned how to celebrate those differences and build a solid foundation for their marriage. And for our listeners, we want you to experience the same thing with your spouse, unity and leaning in together rather than pulling yourselves apart.

And that's why we provide programs like this one and resources like Melanie's book. These are encouraging reminders about why God brought you together in the first place and what he wants to accomplish in your relationship. In fact, we heard from a listener named Felicia, who was frustrated by how opposite she and her husband were. Then Felicia heard the program with Melanie and said, it was as if you were in my home sharing our same story. And as a result, Felicia made a conscious decision to honor her husband even when she didn't agree or understand his perspective. And she remembered all the times her husband showed care and love for her, which is great beyond their differences.

And that's what men can certainly do. That's why Focus on the Family is here to share real hope with real families like Felicia's and yours. Contact us today if you need help in your marriage.

Don't wait. And if you can, support our marriage building efforts as well. We need the generosity of friends like you so that together we can strengthen and rescue hurting couples. If you can send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today, we'll send you a copy of Melanie's book, The Antelope in the Living Room, as our way of saying thank you. And our number is 800-232-6459.

800, the letter A, and the word family. And you can also find details in the episode notes. Just click the link there. One additional resource we'd like to tell you about is our free online marriage assessment, which is a great tool. It's very easy to use, takes just a few minutes to fill it out, and you'll get a good overview of what's working well in your relationship and affirmation for that, and then maybe some suggestions about ways to improve. Check out that free assessment and other resources for your marriage in the episode notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. I've received some great tools from the counselors that have changed my life and my marriage. To begin the journey of finding health, go to HopeRestored.com today.