Ditching the Cranky Monster Mom

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That's focusonthefamily.com slash seven traits. In those moments, if we've had a mom fail or a dad fail, we have got to remind our children that they are loved. Because the last thing I want is for my kids to think that God's love for them is dependent on their performance.

And if I'm modeling that for them, it's going to be harder for them to believe that God loves them just the way they are, if mom only loves you when you do things right. Becky Kapitzke joins us today on Focus on the Family and your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. John, I don't know how your household is, but at the Daly home, mom, Jean, she sets the tone. She's the temperature gauge. If she's in a great mood, everything is running pretty good. And I'm not sure if that's true for you.

It generally is. We're all very aware of mom's emotional state. I love that old saying, you know, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And it's so true.

And I don't think it's a bad thing, actually. I think if mom's happy, that's a good thing. And that should be part of the goal of keeping your marriage healthy, et cetera. Today, we're going to talk about parenting. And here at Focus, you know, those are our two main themes, marriage and parenting. And we want you to have the best family environment that you can have. And we're going to help you today to learn to ditch the parenting monster, if I can call it that. Sometimes it does rear its ugly head.

We get that. It happens in the daily home. I'm sure it's happening in our home.

It's just kind of it. You know, kids have an incredible way of pushing your triggers and bringing out perhaps the monster in you as a parent. And to do that, we've invited a recovering monster mom, Becky Kopitsky. And she's going to join us today. And Becky and her husband, Chad, live in Wisconsin and have two daughters, Clara and Noel. And Becky coaches Christian writers and speakers and podcasters. And she's an author. And her latest book is The Cranky Mom Fix. Get a happier, more peaceful home by slaying the momster in all of us.

Stop by the episode notes and click the link there or give us a call to get your copy. Becky, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thank you for having me.

It's great to have you now. You're from Wisconsin. Of course, John's from there, too. So you two have been just going at it. Oh, yes. We know what it's like to survive winter. I've never heard names of little towns like this.

What was the one you guys were talking about? Well, you mentioned growing up in? Well, I live in Neenah. I grew up in New Holstein, which is the ultimate cow town. We've got all sorts of them. We've got Waukesha, we've got Waukegan, we've got Fond du Lac.

Yeah, all sorts of names that no one can pronounce. I love it. I hope to get up there. My mom was from Wisconsin, so I've really not spent any time up there. Let's do a road trip. Okay, let's go.

Lots of cheese, I think. Good people are bred in Wisconsin. Okay, let's get to the momster terminology. I think coin this phrase momster.

I love it. How did the monster mom first show up in your life, mom? Well, unfortunately, it was very early on in my parenting career. I had this wonderful idea that I was going to be the patient, kind, ever loving, soft and gentle mom until I had an actual child in my hands. And this child has a will of her own. From infancy, our children have a will of their own.

That's how God has designed them. And for me, sadly, the momster first appeared when my first daughter, Clara, was only a few weeks old. She woke me up in the middle of the night, as was the norm at that stage in life. Every mother with a newborn knows what that's about.

But I was just exhausted after the first few weeks. I was feeling shell-shocked from motherhood. And I got up to give her a diaper change and a feeding. And there was just this blowout diaper. Now, mothers, you know what I'm talking about, right?

I don't push your trigger. And I actually growled at my baby, my three-week-old beautiful baby. I just said, oh, mommy is so tired.

Why won't you let me sleep? And then immediately, it was like the Holy Spirit slapped me across the face. And I had this outpouring of guilt. And I wept over the changing table. My poor three-week-old baby did not deserve that from me. And that's when I recognized that motherhood will squeeze out the most sinful parts of a woman, even one who thinks that she is very in tune with God and thinks she's got it under control.

Oh, no. No, even the best of us Christian women can fall apart when we hit those triggers that call the momster to play. Well, obviously, the question is, why does the momster exist? I mean, what's in us that allows us to react to that? Of course, a three-week-old baby can't. I mean, what do they know about pushing your buttons?

They'll learn that a little later. But I mean, at that point, hey, I just have a dirty diaper, and I'm hungry. Yes.

Yes. All they're asking from us is to raise them the way God has called us to do. But the problem, we like to blame it on the kids. You can't blame a three-week-old for waking you up.

As the kids get older, they will push your buttons. But even then, we want to blame it on the kids. But the culprit is really our own hearts. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. So who can understand it?

We certainly cannot really understand our own hearts. And when our sin is unveiled, we've got to look at ourselves first before we blame the kids. That's how you begin to tame that monster, right? Look at yourself.

Okay. So how do you go through that process? Well, unfortunately, that's the lifelong process. But it begins in knowing my kids are not my enemy.

My kids are on my team. If we are starting with the foundation of that truth, then we can approach them in a God-honoring way. But if we feel like our kids are the culprit, our kids are the enemy, our kids are the source of our sin, then we've got it all wrong. So we've got to look at ourselves first and understand what control we have and what control we don't have. And then just recognize that tuning into Jesus is going to take us a long way in this route to taming the monster because our enemy is on the prowl. He would want us to do anything that's unloving because God is love. So anytime we act unloving, Satan gets another point.

For me, just enough to know that he's got a hold of me in that moment, I can snap out of it and say, no way, Satan, you will not get my family today. We've got to identify who the enemy really is. And it's not our kids. You know, I don't think I've asked this of a guest, but you're in this territory.

So I'm going to do it. I mean, there are non-believers that listen to focus on the family. I think it's really hard to find good marriage and parenting content in the culture.

So they tune in. And if you're there, we're grateful that you're there. But when we're talking about the influence of evil in our heart or in our lives, and we refer to Satan, some people might be going, is this woman crazy? You're not crazy. I know that. And I agree with you wholeheartedly, by the way. But describe that a little bit spiritually, what's going on there.

Sure. So what's going on there is, there is this realm of good and evil that exists in the world. And for those of us who are believing on Jesus, we know that in the heavenlies, there's an enemy of God. And he's got his demon cronies.

And I even explained to people that I mentor that that sounds really woo woo, right? It sounds kind of creepy. But it's just the reality of a supernatural world. And we live in a supernatural world. And some of us choose to acknowledge that some of us don't.

But in general, it's just the battle of wills. Our sin nature is a part of the ugliness inside of us that never really goes away. Even when we're following Jesus, when faith is strong in our lives, we're always going to battle this tendency, this temptation, to do something that is not going to have a good output. And that you can blame it on Satan, you can blame it on all sorts of moods, or there can be all sorts of reasons that we will place on why am I acting this way? But it's really when we fall short of living up to the Lord's desire for us, really. Yes. And he does have a desire for us. And do we recognize that as a first step?

Yes. And you'll notice it in your marriage. And if you got any selfishness or bad things remaining after that, then you'll see it in your parenting.

That's what you're describing. Tell us about the day your daughter, is it Noelle? Noelle is my younger one. So Noelle, your younger one, when she had a nap or a non nap experience, how did that bring out the mumpster in you?

Well, so Noelle was two years old. And it was nap time. And I like to enforce nap time because nap time is my quiet time. So she had just gotten a toddler bed, which meant that now she was free to roam, she wasn't stuck in the crib. And so she developed this habit of thinking that nap time was just optional, because now I can roam free from my bed. So I had a baby gate that blocked the hallway of her bedroom from the kitchen. And she would pop out of her bed and pad her over to the gate, say, Mummy, Mummy, and I would say go back to bed. And I would take her hand and I'd lead her back to her bed and say it's nap time now. Night night. See you when you're done. And then she would pad her back to the gate.

And I just had it one day, I was so frustrated with her. I said, I'm done. You're going back into that bed. And I'm going into the other room where you cannot see me. And I went and sat on a sofa.

And a couple seconds later, I heard a boom and a crash. And my little stinker at two years old busted down the baby gate and came paddling toward me, Mama. And I got so angry. She's a stuffed animal girl. She's always been a stuffed animal girl. I gathered up all of her stuffed animals from the entire house. And I shouted, I am going to throw away all of your stuffed animals.

They're going in the trash. And she started bawling. And I was giving myself this fuming pep talk, you know, you've got to stand strong. She's being rebellious. And you've got to make sure she doesn't become an outlaw when she grows up.

And so just lay down the law. And then she started crying and saying, Mommy, I want you. And I stopped in my tracks. And I thought, well, what kind of an outlaw says that? And she just turned to me and she said, Mommy, she had her hands open, sniffling, I want you to hold me.

And I thought, oh, I did it again. I let the law lead my actions instead of love, because underlying it, what did she really want? She wanted my love. And I didn't give it to her. Instead, you know, I gave her an attack on all of her stuffed animals. Well, that is a powerful picture.

Because what do we do when we allow our anger to take over instead of tuning into Jesus, who is about love and grace? Firm stance, yes. But I needed to let love lead my actions, because underneath it all, she was having insecurities about napping. She wanted a hug. And what did I give her instead of a hug?

I gave her the rules and I gave her ranting. And then of course, I started drowning in my regret over that situation. I knelt down and I snuggled her and I gave her a hug and she was crying and I was near crying. And as soon as I rocked her, she fell asleep in my arms in the kitchen. That's beautiful.

I love that. The, you know, the difficulty is there are times as a parent that you need to do those things. But you always want to put love first.

I love that, that you're thinking about first finding out what do you need from me? Why are you acting this way? But it does take an adult to do that. And I guess it comes back to those triggers.

There's so many moms listening right now going, that's me. That's what I do. I get frustrated. I get angry. And let's hit some of those other triggers just really quickly and then we'll continue on.

Sure. Because we like to say it's the kid's behavior, but there's so many underlying triggers and there can be so many. They can be physical triggers such as I've got a headache, or I'm exhausted. I didn't get enough sleep. Or, you know, I'm not feeling well today. Or environmental triggers such as maybe honestly sometimes it's raining.

It looks gloomy outside. I'm just not in the best mood today. Or I'm too hot.

I'm too cold. Or emotional triggers. My goodness. Anytime my husband and I have had an argument, it is much more difficult for me to give my kids kind and calm attention because my tapes are playing about the argument that my husband and I had. And it could be a variety of stresses or emotions that are happening to us that have nothing to do with the children. And we take it out on the kids. And then spiritual triggers. If I have noticed when I am not spending time talking with the Lord, when I am not praying before I act, then I'm far more likely to be cranky. And not a single one of us is going to do this perfectly.

That's why I talk to women about this because I have done it so imperfectly. And yet I found ways to identify my triggers. And we need to identify them because then we're beating a known adversary.

If we don't put our finger on what exactly is causing this, then we won't be able to beat it. Again, you get to share all your foibles with this, but you had a story about your daughter in the book where I think she was going to be competing in a geography bee or something like that. And it ended up being this moment. What did you learn in that process? Well, I learned how to humble myself.

I'll tell you that. But my daughter, Clara, was in fifth grade at the time. And she had been selected among all of her classmates to participate in the school-wide geography bee.

And the G.O.B. was a big deal. So I had bought her by her request. She begged me to buy her the study guide for the National Geographic G.O.B. Makes sense. Absolutely.

And I'm all for supporting education. So I bought her this book. And then fast forward about a month.

We got through Christmas break. And she said to me in the evening, Mom, tomorrow's the G.O.B. I said, what? Tomorrow is the G.O.B.? Yeah, Mom, it's tomorrow. And I realized she had not cracked open that book. And I said, I bought you the study guide.

I thought your intention was to study from it so that you could do your best in the G.O.B. And I got so upset with her for wasting the time that she could have spent on this book that she asked me to buy. And I spent my good hard-earned money, right? We like to say that as moms. I bought this book for her. And she wasted the opportunity.

And here she was going to compete without being prepared. And I just berated her for it. And then she got so upset with me. And I realized that what I was imparting on her was, first of all, my own perfectionism. So I needed to separate myself from her at that moment.

And then I said, all right, you know what? Instead of making this about anger, let's take advantage of this opportunity. We are going to have a study party tonight, OK? Let's just forget that you didn't spend the whole month and over Christmas break, really. What kind of a mother expects her child, her fifth grader, to be spending all of her free time studying for a G.O.B.

that doesn't really have any ramifications in her life long term? So I said, let's have a study party. So we cracked open that book. And I said, for every right answer you give me, you are going to get an M&M and we're going to have pizza. And we ended up having a great time. But that was a Band-Aid. The study party that we had and all the chocolate that I now keep on hand.

Not what I recommend, but all of that had to happen because I didn't handle it well in the first place. So that little stinker went to school the next day. And between fifth to eighth graders, she ended up making third place in that G.O.B. anyway. And did you know it's completely impossible to truly prepare for the National Geographic G.O.B.?

You basically have to be, you know, an expert on the game of Jeopardy. Nobody really can answer all of those questions. And so I felt so horrible that I had imparted my own perfectionism on her when really she was just excited to go and do the G.O.B. Yeah. And you've kind of answered this next question, but we need to ask it and fill it out with other examples because what you're describing in the examples that you've given are certain degrees of response and some good outcomes, actually, the idea that you're able to pull back. And I think for some parents, Christian parents, too, it's hard to recognize that pit of despair and triggering that we fall into it. So, you know, if you go over the line, if you don't come up with the OK, we're going to do the fun study night tonight and you stay in the anger part of it, like, why did you not schedule your time? And you can really you can heap on the guilt when what they need is help because they're not, you know, still in the teen years, they're not fully functioning and they need guidance at times.

And it does frustrate us as parents that they're not thinking straight. Right. You kind of you're getting all the lingo here. Yes, exactly. So how do you pull back as a parent when you notice you're stuck in the mud, so to speak?

Absolutely. Well, first, we do need to recognize, like you said, these kids are not adults. They are not adults. And we can't expect them to think or act like adults. It is our job to train them up to be wise adults. But they're not there yet. And Proverbs tells us folly is bound up in the heart of a child. That means that that's part of their natural state. So are we going to berate them for that or are we going to help nurture their positive qualities into maturity? Yes and yes.

Not the right answer. Isn't that why we're talking today? But I believe when we have not handled our parenting well, when we have those blunders or those mom fails, I like to call them. And I have had so many. And the pain is real.

It's on both sides. We're both wallowing in pain and disappointment and regret. So we need to start by humbling ourselves and recognizing that we did not handle that well. And then acknowledge the mistake. Acknowledge our own mistake and the child's.

Right. So I needed to acknowledge I should not have come down on you so hard about this G.O.B. I recognize that it was you were excited about it and I should have been excited about it for you. And then I need to apologize to my daughter and ask her for forgiveness. And apologizing to our kids does not show weakness. Apologizing shows them that we rely on Jesus just as we want them to.

In fact I think it gives them a greater opportunity to know the Lord than if we had expected perfection from them and from ourselves. So we've got to ask for that forgiveness. But then there is a degree of holding the child responsible.

Because it's not a get out of jail free card either. Because she did have a responsibility in this situation to prepare for the G.O.B. My responsibility was to respond to that situation with more grace and more kindness and I didn't handle it well. So but I told her I said all right so you didn't prepare but I want you to be responsible for that but let's work on the solution together. That's when we brainstorm solutions together.

And that's how we came up with a study party and said let's make it fun. But most importantly in those moments if we've had a mom fail or a dad fail we have got to remind our children that they are loved. Because the last thing I want is for my kids to think that God's love for them is dependent on their performance. And if I'm modeling that for them it's going to be harder for them to believe that God loves them just the way they are if mom only loves you when you do things right.

Let me ask you this. I think one of the challenges many parents face is learning to respect your child. Because we get in a mentality they know nothing and we know everything. And sometimes that's true. Oftentimes that's true speaking as a parent.

But sometimes it's not true. And you need to learn how to respect your child as they're getting older etc. And if you could do that that's the other element of having a really good parenting experience love and respect of your children. How do you get into that spot to respect them?

How do you make room for that? Have you got any stories of how you didn't do it so well? I have a lot of stories of how I don't do it well. But the premise there is that our children belong to God just like we do and they have inherent value as people. And it can become very easy as a parent to treat them like second-class citizens in our homes because we are the adults and we're wiser. And so I fall into the trap of snapping at my kids to follow my commands without respecting their time or expecting them to know what I know without realizing that.

That's a classic. Yeah, wait a second. You're 14. You're not going to know what I know as a 40-something, right? So I think the first key to that is first of all communicating with our children and remembering that they are not us. They are not adults.

They're not going to think like we do. But then we have to endeavor to think like our children. But that requires actually knowing who our children are. So we have to go through the journey of really unearthing who they are. What are their interests? Who did God create them to be? And that person is going to be different from who we are and maybe even different from who we originally expected they were going to be. So identify who God created and nurture that person. But then I also like to engage in some really practical tips for how to respect our kids.

And one of my favorites is, first of all, don't make them a slave. I used to do this. So here's what did that sound like? That sounded like years ago.

I still remember one day when this really came into focus for me. Clara was seven and she had gotten old enough to learn how to clean the house and she thought it was fun. So she'd say, Mom, are you going to clean the bathroom today? Why, yes, I am. Can I help, Mom? Well, absolutely.

You can help. So here's the scrub brush. And so she would help me clean.

And then it got to the point where I would say, thank you so much. Now, will you sweep that floor? And then will you feed your sister a snack? And will you work on her alphabet with her? Because Mama's going to sit here and just relax, right?

And crack open a soda while I watch you do my job. But that's not the right attitude to have toward kids either. They don't exist to take over our job in all aspects. Although when they do get older, they can take over their own laundry and that I am a big advocate for that. But in general, are we treating our kids like they exist to meet our every command?

Or are we understanding that they also, they desire and they deserve under God the respect of being individuals, individuals. And I also encourage parents to give a five-minute warning before you tell your kids to jump. You know, before it's time to go to the library or it's time to get your shoes on for school. It's time to wash your hands for dinner. It's whatever it may be, a five-minute warning. And I learned this because my husband did not do that for me. And I would get so upset.

You know what, give me, he would be out in the garage. It's time to go, time to go. Well, could I get a five-minute warning because I don't have my socks on yet? You know, the kids are half dressed, eating their pancakes. A five-minute warning, please, would help us to be, to synchronize our clocks to yours.

And it would frustrate me so much. And then I recognized I was doing the very same thing to my kids. Get those shoes on. Let's get out the door to school. Come on, put that game down.

It's time to do your homework. I like that. A little five minute.

Hey, here we go. It empowers them to obey you because they want to obey you, but it's hard for them to switch gears. Well, of course, the problem is that five minutes later you're saying, okay, two more minutes.

Right, so you actually have to stick with it. Let me ask you, Becky, as we're winding up here, you've created three rules. I love that. It makes me kind of a little uncomfortable, but three rules for your family that you lean into. What are the three? Yeah, three rules. And I don't take credit for this.

I got it from a friend, but it works wonders. Three rules that encompass all the little rules all in one. So number one, obey the first time. Or for small kids, it's obey fast.

And it becomes a game. Obey fast. Because delayed obedience is disobedience. So obey the first time. And secondly is no disrespectful talk, or no backtalk.

Use whatever language works for you so that we are following God's admonishment to us to speak only wholesome language to one another, build one another up. So no disrespectful talk. And then no hurting someone on purpose.

And the reason I love that is because it encompasses not just physical harm, but emotional harm. So don't kick your sister. Also, don't ignore your sister.

Don't push your sister off that sled hill, but also don't call your sister a bad name. So those three rules together encompass all the rules because otherwise my husband and I at one point had so many different rules for our children that even we couldn't remember what they were. We have them on a scroll on the wall actually.

There's like 15. And whenever Gene points to it, I say, you know, that's way too, I can't even memorize all those. But when you've got those three rules, it's so easy to train the kids in what the family rules are.

When they have some sort of misdemeanor, all you have to do is point to the rules and say, which one did you disobey? And that really sets up the right environment for the child. I'm thinking of the mom listening right now.

And this is it. We're out after this. But that mom that's going, Oh, great. I'm not there. I'm not there. I am the triggered mom and everything's triggering me right now.

And I don't really know what to do. I'm the monster mom. What advice do you have for her that first step to get some sanity back into her life? And my heart goes out to that mom. I have been there.

I meet so many of those moms. And my first piece of advice is to stop beating yourself up. Accept God's grace for who you are and the mistakes you make. Because if you're not going to accept that, you'll never be able to share it with your children. So recognize that your performance as a mom is not what defines who your children become. God's got that controlled already. And then endeavor to go through these steps of identifying who your enemy really is.

It's your own heart. It's not your kids. And then learn to communicate with them at their level and discipline with grace.

Create the kind of fun environment for your kids. But go through those steps after you have first forgiven yourself and given yourself a little bit of a break. Becky, that is great.

And I so appreciate what you've done here. This wonderful book, The Cranky Mom Fix. Now, husbands, don't buy this and put it on your wife's pillow. It's like getting her a treadmill for Christmas.

Yeah, this is not that kind of book. But if you heard the broadcast and your wife didn't, you may want to say, hey, you should listen to Focus today. Something a little more low key. Let's do it together. That's good, John.

But it is so good. And we're here for you if you have, you know, some concerns or there's things going on. We have caring Christian counselors that can help you with that.

You can call us and they'll most likely have to call you back because they're usually, you know, backlogged. Also, we have a wonderful parenting assessment. It will show you seven traits of effective parenting and be able to point to the good things you're doing and maybe the things you need to improve on. And lastly, man, we believe in Becky's book. And if you can give a gift to Focus on the family of any amount, we'll send you a copy as our way saying thank you for being part of the ministry. We're not going to keep a file on the cranky moms out there.

So it's anonymous. But Becky Kopitzke from Wisconsin, you've done a great job. Thank you so much for being with us.

Thank you so much for having me. We'll get in touch today. If we can help in any way.

Maybe you want to talk to one of those counselors or take that assessment or donate and get your copy of Becky's great book, The Cranky Mom Fix. We're phone call away 800-AFAMILY or click the link in the episode notes. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Man, I knew my marriage was falling apart.

I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like I would always be alone, even if I stayed married. At Focus on the Family's Hope Restored marriage intensive, we offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they've always dreamed of. For the first time, I felt like my husband truly heard me. I've received some great tools from the counselors that have changed my life and my marriage. To begin the journey of finding health, go to HopeRestored.com today.