Improving Your Marriage as a Blended Family Couple (Part 1 of 2)

Man, I knew my marriage was falling apart.

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To begin the journey of finding health, go to HopeRestored.com today. Too many people determine engagement and marriage based only on their coupleness, only on what's developing with them as a unit. They have to also include the children, because the reality is, once you get married, the success of the home and the marriage is more determined based on the step-family dynamics than it is necessarily even on the couple dynamics. That's Ron Deal describing the unique dynamics of marriage within a step-family or a blended family context. You'll hear more from Ron today on Focus on the Family, and your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, we're well aware that a significant portion of the people listening to us right now don't fit into a traditional marriage or family stereotype.

There may have been a divorce or the death of your first spouse, or maybe you were a single parent and now you've gotten married again and are trying to rebuild a family. If that's your situation, we want to acknowledge you that you exist and offer you all the help we can to strengthen your marriage relationship and address some of the unique challenges you may be facing. And Ron Deal is a frequent guest here on this broadcast. He's an author, speaker, and family counselor who specializes in helping step-families. Ron is the director of Family Life Blended, which is a part of the Ministry of Family Life, and he's written a book that will form the basis of our conversation today. The title is The Smart Step-Family Marriage Keys to Success in the Blended Family, and we've got copies of that here.

The details are in the episode notes. And for some of our listeners, if you're not in a blended family, a lot of the encouragement and advice Ron provides is certainly applicable to every marriage. How to be a good spouse, being sensitive and humble. It all applies, so I encourage you to keep listening. Yeah, and here, Jim, is now how you begin that conversation with Ron Deal on today's Focus on the Family. Let's talk about those uniquenesses right from the get-go. What are those things that make step-families unique compared to traditional family?

Well, let me give an example. This book is based on a study that Dr. David Olson and I did together using research that he's done for years and years and years. And we looked at literally thousands of couples and a relationship profile and examined them to try to understand what predicted health in step-family marriages. The number one thing on the list sounds general and applies to everybody, and that's, do I like you? Do I really like who you are? The qualities and attributes that you bring to the relationship in the marriage. The opposite of that would be, you know, you've got some bad habits, you've got some things about you that make it hard to love you, right?

But the absence of those things, I call them the fruits of the spirit, right? If you're a person who just exudes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, wow, it is just great to be married to you. Or to be your neighbor, actually. And that applies, yeah, or to be your neighbor or your friend or your extended family member. Now, that applies to all marriages, right? Everybody listening right now who is married or knows somebody who is married or wants to be married, that applies to you. But here's what was really unique when we got underneath that and took a little deeper look at step-couple marriages.

We found that the absence of those things creates a fear that drives the couple further and further apart. And, you know, here's what I mean by that. If I'm not sure I can trust you. I mean, if you're love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, I can trust you. And if you're not those things, if you're critical, if you're angry, if you got a quick temper, if you're stubborn, if you're controlling. We found unhealthy couples and step-families were seven times as controlling as healthy couples and step-families.

I mean, that creates an environment where I can't trust you. That's interesting, Ron. Let me ask you about that, because are those some of the antecedents that created the difficulty, perhaps even in the first marriage? Now, I want to acknowledge that many step-families are formed through the death of a spouse and other circumstances, biblical circumstances. So we're not just speaking to those who divorce for unbiblical reasons.

So always with that disclaimer. But as you describe that, that may be really the core problem is, you know, how a person behaves. I think it's a yes. But for sometimes that's who somebody is. They just kind of have a quality about them. They're a little quick tempered.

And that's something that's been a part of their life forever. But what's unique here, Jim, is that sometimes people, when they find themselves in a step-family situation, the context creates in them things that they would not normally do. So, for example, I'm thinking of a step-mom who we recently had a conversation and she said to me, Ron, I keep becoming the wicked step-mother.

It's not who I normally am, but I'm so frustrated with some of the circumstances that take place with my husband's ex-wife and how we have to deal with her and the frustrations that creates for us that I find myself getting quick tempered. Now, listen to that. But she's not traditionally that way. That's interesting. So the context is bringing that out in her, whereas she's not normally that way. Well, let me ask you, what does a person do that's in that situation?

What is a way to get a hold of that so the better fruit of the spirit can come out? You know, I mean, we all battle with that. I don't care what stage of life you're in. And the answer applies to all marriages. All right. Not just step-family marriages, but I think it's humility. Let me explain. Humility is the thing that allows us to look in the mirror and say, I need to look at who I am, honestly, who I am and how I'm acting. And I need to take responsibility for that. What we want to do, human nature, is we look at somebody else and we blame them, right? We look at the circumstances and we blame it. We get frustrated and we just say, I'm the victim of this. And so we kind of ignore the fact that we're being quick tempered or we're being critical or being controlling. And until you have the humility of heart to stop, to really consider what is this about me that I need to get a hand—Jesus put it this way in the Sermon on the Mount. You fool. Stop worrying about the speck in your brother's eye and start dealing with the log in your eye. That is a passage about looking at everybody else and blaming them or at first dealing with yourself before the Lord.

Then, and only then, he says, can you help somebody else deal with a speck? Yeah. Let's talk about some of the parameters within step-families. What are the stats in regard to failure and all the things that you're talking about? When we look at the divorce rate for couples, it's at least 10 to 25 percent higher than it is for couples in first marriages, depending upon their circumstances. And it's this effect of intensity, it sounds like.

Yeah. And we've talked in other broadcasts here about just the stressors. And there are multiple stressors that go on around the couple's relationship that create this environment where you start doing and acting in ways that are not loving. And what we want to talk about today, and we have talked in the past about some of those stressors being children and the difficulty of integrating. I mean, I love the analogy that I haven't forgotten, and that is step-families need to aim more for being a crock pot, a slow process of stewing together so that the flavor comes out. But today, let's concentrate on the marriage relationship, understanding we know the children bring a different dynamic. You talk about delayed honeymoon for the step-couple in your book. What were you getting at with delayed honeymoon?

Yeah, it's kind of the function of the crock pot that you were just talking about. There is a honeymoon for couples. It often comes, though, once the crock pot has done the work in bringing the entire family together.

Now, notice this. This is where couples get confused, because when they're dating, they're really focused on each other and their coupleness, as I like to say. But once they get married, the success of the marriage is a family issue. And that's one of the things that we report in this book that we found in our research, is before the marriage, couple satisfaction is more intimately tied to their couple relationship. Do they like each other? How well do they communicate with one another? Do they resolve conflict well with one another?

But after the wedding, it's tied as much to what's going on around the couple as it is to their actual relationship. Right. You mentioned the research. Describe that research. It was a large sample size.

It was. David Olson created the Prepare and Rich Inventory that's used all over the world. And he's been collecting data for years and years and years. And we went into his stockpile, if you will, 50,000, 50,000 couple profiles, 100,000 people in our data set. That's just a massive study.

And that's his genius, not mine. Okay. But what it allowed us to do is look at lots of factors related to families with a tremendous amount of statistical validity behind it. And so we really know, for example, when we were talking earlier, this idea of being afraid that this marriage won't last.

Okay. Whether that's prompted by my own fears or something going on around us with the kids or that your ex spouse or whatever the antecedent is to that fear, fear predicts with 93 percent accuracy, whether you have a great marriage or a lousy one. How does a person know if they're fearful in that relationship? Well, I think what we see on the outside and what they might notice in themselves is, wow, I'm fretful. I'm anxious.

I snap at you. I don't trust you so that I question where you really where you said I find that I don't share all my money with you. I'd rather us have a joint account for our for the bills we pay together.

But I want to make sure I keep my individual account. Now, first of all, let me just back up and say that's not necessarily wrong to have an individual account. I'm not saying that's wrong. I am saying sometimes people do that depends on the personality. Exactly. Sometimes people do that because deep within them is this fear that you might leave me the way the last one did. Right.

And I want to make sure I don't get caught without anything in the bank. And so I'm looking out for myself. Some of that run is reasonable. I mean, especially, you know, not to be stereotypical here, but a woman who was wounded by her husband that was, you know, cheated on her. She could have that feeling that, you know, all guys are like this and speak to that woman who has that emotion. You're exactly right. It would be very reasonable for her to have that feeling to be guarded in a way.

It's hard to open up. And that's exactly the point. Fear makes us guarded and cautious. It makes me think a little bit more about protecting myself than surrendering myself.

Just listen to that. We know biblical Christian marriage is about surrender. And so this thing that is within people that says, I'm going to withhold a little of me is the opposite of where Christ wants to move us. And so this is a very important piece to building the strength of your marriage is looking within yourself, seeing that fear for what it is, and then asking the Lord, get me strength to walk through this fear and do what love requires me to do. Even if I'm not sure it's all going to work out on the other side.

Yeah, that's an excellent point. That's the stressor I was going to put there is that that's what the Lord requires of all of us in our walk, whether we're first time married or in a step-family situation when it comes to that trust in your spouse. And back to this humility idea. I just really think this is so very important. We come to the Lord in a humble posture of I need you.

I can't do it myself. We walk with the Lord throughout our entire life. Someday the Lord's going to come again and every knee will bow and every tongue confessed. I think that's a posture of humility, you know, and the same sort of dynamic really blesses our marriages. When I come with an attitude of humility about who I am, I need to learn. I need to grow. I need to look at myself and become a better husband, wife, whatever the case is. That posture helps me grow and helps our marriage grow over time. Our guest today on Focus on the Family is Ron Deal, and he's sharing insights from his book, The Smart Step-Family Marriage, and he co-authored that with David Olson. We recommend you get a copy.

Just click the link in the episode notes to learn more. And if you're struggling with issues of fear or surrender or that posture of humility Ron was talking about in your marriage, I'll encourage you to contact us for help. We have resources for you like a great team of caring Christian counselors, and we also have a great program for marriages and serious trouble. It's an intensive counseling session over several days at one of our premier retreat centers. Hope Restored can offer you hope in your marriage, and when you attend a Hope Restored intensive, you'll have the time you need to focus on you and on your relationship. Call to learn more about Hope Restored or how we can help through our counseling services. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, or click the links in the episode notes.

Let's go ahead and return now to more with Ron Deal on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Ron, in fact, in your book you have a relationship checkup that you talk about, and in that research you've identified five types of marriages. Talk about the need for the checkup and then kind of the big buckets, these five big buckets that you've identified most couples fall into. David Olson and his team through the years have identified five different types of couples. In other words, if you look at a couple's relationship across a number of domains, for example, communication and managing conflict and sexuality and how they manage their finances and their family and friends and their leisure activities, and you look across those and you find, for example, the couples that tend to have very high scores across most of those domains, we call those vitalized couples. They're extremely happy. They hardly ever think about divorce or separation.

They just are going and blowing, right? I think God intends all of us to be vitalized couples ideally. Next comes couples they call harmonious. These are couples that have many strengths, but there's a few areas in their relationship that they could grow in. The mid-range we call conventional couples, and let me tell you, we have a ton of these sitting in churches every week. They don't necessarily get along real well. They don't communicate real well, but they have a high degree of spiritual commitment to marriage and the idea of marriage. This is the couple that sits in the restaurant and doesn't talk, but they're never going to get divorced because God said don't, and we know from research that churches are full of these kinds of couples, all right? We're not particularly happy.

What percentages do these break down to? Well, I don't actually know percentages, but what we do know from doing, I do live marriage conferences, for example, for churches, and I can tell you I have the couples take this profile before they come to a marriage enrichment event, and the vast majority of the couples that come to the event are actually unhappy, you know, up to two-thirds, and this is in a church, couples attending a marriage enrichment conference. Okay, so we've talked about vitalized couples, those that are really living a joyful relationship. Then you have harmonious couples, conventional couples you just described.

What are the other two? The two bottom ones are called conflicted couples. Obviously, that carries the idea they're really struggling. They're arguing about some things, they're not getting along, and then devitalized couples really are in a tough, tough situation. They have the highest divorce rate. In fact, half of those couples divorced within three years. I want to be a little careful because, as you just described, conflicted couples, you know, not agreeing on some things, I'm sure that could be part of the vitalized couple trade as well. Exactly, but what we know about vitalized couples is that when they have conflict, they resolve it. So it's not the presence of conflict, it's whether you find your way through it together, or if it puts you at odds with one another. That's what separates vitalized couples, for example, from conflicted couples. All right, now in this book, we built in this couple checkout profile. So there's a code in the back of the book that allows couples to look at their own relationship.

Now here's the point of the five types. You just kind of want to get a sense of where you're at, and you can take this profile and get this snapshot of your relationship. A quick story. About two months ago, I went into my audiologist. I had worn a hearing aid on my left ear for about over a decade, about 12 or 13 years. About the age 35, I started losing hearing in my left ear. They did another test, my audiologist did, and she found an anomaly in the results, and she looked at me and she says, I think you can get this fixed. I went and had, long story short, I went and had surgery, and I am sitting with you today without a hearing aid for the first time in well over a decade, hearing at normal levels. Without that snapshot of the hearing, I would have never known I had an option that I didn't know was available to me, and I would not have known the steps to take to improve my hearing.

Couples need a snapshot of their relationship on a regular basis, once a year, and just eyeball it and go, look, we're doing great here, great here, way to go, honey, high five, but look, here's some areas we can grow in our relationship, and that's what we've encouraged couples to do as they read this book, to get a sense of where they are and then get a sense of how to improve. That's good, and it's right there. How many questions do you have to go through? Well, that's a guy's question right there.

How many questions? I'll tell you how long. It takes about 30 minutes for you. That's worth your marriage. It's worth your marriage.

30 minutes once a year, I think you can do that. And what do you get after you take that test? I mean, do you get the five identifiers that you just brought up? You're going to get about a 10 to 12 page profile that's going to tell you how you're doing in your relationship regarding communication, resolving conflict, leisure and finances, sexuality, your spiritual face. Does that bring you together or does it not? You're going to get that snapshot across a lot of domains, personality profiles built into it. And for step-family couples who are then reading this book, The Smart Step-Family Marriage, they're able to say, oh, look how we compare to what health is. And we can now say we need to work on this and this, but we can feel really good about that and that.

We all need that from time to time. With that test, again, we've talked about how these things are broadly applicable. What about a person that's in their first marriage?

Can they take that test and are the measurements geared for them as well? Couplecheckup.com. Let me tell you how cool this thing is. It actually figures out what kind of marriage you're in, a first marriage, a second marriage, if you're dating or engaged. And it tailors itself to your circumstances and gives you the right questions.

So it's a very sophisticated tool. That's great. You also in that research, you identified the top 10 strengths of healthy step couples. Let's talk about some of those.

Okay. The first one we've already talked about, and that's that sense that I can trust you and fear is low. If the fear is low, the quality of the relationship goes up high, that there's just a direct correlation there. But then the next couple of items that showed up on the list are things that apply to all marriages, communication and resolving conflict. Now, I know you guys have talked about those a lot on this broadcast through the years. Turns out couples and step families got to know how to communicate well. They got to be able to connect.

They got to be able to talk about life and schedules and making decisions about money and parenting. But here's what I want people to see right off the bat. Back to this fear issue. Fear cascades negativity down on communication and resolving conflict and sexuality and managing our finances. It cascades negativity.

But the absence of fear cascades positivity. The trust issue is key to couples in particular instead. That's true for all couples. Everybody has to be able to trust their partner. But what we found is that this is more of an issue for couples in blended family situations. And if they get that part right, then the other pieces of the relationship tend to go well.

Some of the others that are also in that list of 10 shared leisure activity, strong flexibility and adaptability, good financial management. You touched on that healthy physical intimacy and affection, positive shared friendships and healthy boundaries. You know, as I read this list, Ron, is you can see the intensity. It's almost the imagery I get is a burner. You know, for a first time married couple, you're learning for the first time all these things to work them out together. There is special intensity. It's like the burner is turned up in a negative way in a step family because these things, you have more deeply rooted habits and behaviors that maybe prevent you from a more natural progression in this regard.

That's an excellent observation. Let me say something about leisure, because this was a little interesting to me. All right. When we compare couples and step families to couples in first marriages, leisure activities, that is, do we enjoy fun things together? All right. Leisurely activities together. It's important to both first marriages and step family marriages, but step family marriages, it was higher on the list.

Statistically, it's more important. And so we began to wonder why is that? What is there?

What is going on there? And this is how I make sense of it. If the fear factor drains a relationship, the fun factor helps build it, fills the tank. And so it is really important for couples and step families to carve out time away from the kids, away from the pressures, away from the, the ex-spouse and the struggles that go along with whatever those dynamics are and really just go on a hike, you know, spend time together, play cards. My parents have been married almost 61 years. They play cards, they play games, they invite friends over. And even if it's just the two of them, they do that nearly every day. That sort of stuff brings couples together.

Hey Ron, let me ask you this as we wind up today. When you look at that, again, there's an instinct, it seems in us. It's a them and an us kind of approach, even with the kids. And that's where that jealousy factor, I'm sure is increased because biologically, perhaps there's some lack of connection there with those kids. How does a stepfather, a step mother see that, understand that and then deal with it in a way that's healthy for them so that the kids don't feel like I know you don't see me as your own?

Yeah, I think we're back to humility again, the humility to look in the mirror and say, you know, why am I so jealous of you? Why am I resentful of your time with my spouse or how this happens? I've got to know this thing in me that's insecure, that wants to be central to my spouse's life, but I don't feel like I am. So I need to take a deep breath and realize that it's appropriate for you to spend time with your kids in a balanced sort of way, you know, not entirely, but obviously in balance with your relationship with me in our marriage and your relationship with your kids.

All things are beneficial when they're in balance. And I've got to just breathe through and say, this is all right. We'll find our time.

Let me communicate to you my need that we spend a little extra time together, but do so softly rather than anger, in anger or with criticism and harshness. With humility, as you were saying earlier. With humility, exactly. Ron, we've talked a lot today about different aspects of the step family, but these principles apply, as we've said throughout the program today, to all of us, first married and step families. You mentioned the need for the fruit of the Spirit. Man, again, a general principle, but that intensity of seeking the fruit of the Spirit is so much more important in that step family relationship because you have so much potentially negative atmosphere that you got to deal with. So you got to pursue it with even greater zeal, is what I hear you saying, especially humility that's come through loud and clear. That idea that the huge problem in marriage is fear, not trust, the exact opposite. You've said that so well. And that couples need, and I think it's brilliant for all of us that we need a snapshot of where we're at and how do we measure against healthy couples.

And by taking that healthy couple profile, people can get an idea of where they're at. There is more to cover. We got to get into some of the solutions.

How do we apply these things? I think we fit the issues really well, but let's come back next time if you're willing and talk about it. Would be happy to. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guest is Ron Deal talking about his book, The Smart Step Family Marriage, Keys to Success in the Blended Family. John, we ended our conversation with Ron on a positive note, and I'm glad there are so many great resources like his book to help couples who are thinking about remarriage or are already in a blended family situation.

Let me encourage you. Keep working on your relationship. Good marriages don't just happen. Every day you have a choice to make about loving and serving your spouse.

I think that's God's point about marriage, and we want to help you keep your marriage strong. And that's why we'll send you a copy of Ron's book when you send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today. And if not for you, get a copy for another couple that you know. And let's work together to strengthen these relationships.

You can donate and get the book when you call 800 the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes where we'll have the link. And John, for those couples who may be struggling in their relationship, whether it's a first marriage or a remarriage situation, we want to help you as well. We've got our counseling team and Hope Restored where we offer intensive counseling over several days for couples who may be on the brink of divorce. Don't let your marriage fall apart.

That's the point. God's got something better for you and your spouse, and we want to help you in any way we can. So contact us today. Set up a consultation with one of our counselors or ask for more information about Hope Restored. And once again, our number is 800-AFAMILY or click that link in the episode notes. And coming up next time, more from our guest about dealing with the ghost of a past marriage. For the person whose spouse just turned and walked out, had an affair, the marriage is over, bam, you didn't see it coming, and there it is. The ghost says, boy, life can turn on a dime.

Don't lean in too far. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband's struggle with pornography, she needs a practical plan. The latest book from Focus on the Family, Aftershock, by professional counselor, Joanne Condi, will help you through the seven steps of self-care. And you'll learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction. Let Joanne Condi's timeless wisdom give you hope even while you're in your own season of Aftershock. Learn more about Aftershock at focusonthefamily.com.