Logging Off to Focus on Your Real-Life Relationships

Alright, I need you to think about your relationship with social media.

How would you describe that? It's the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at before I go to bed. The images, the jokes, it gets me thinking about things that I would rather not think about. When I get my screen time report on my iPhone every Sunday, I cannot believe how much time I've spent on Facebook and Instagram. Sometimes when I get stressed, I just start scrolling and scrolling so I don't have to think anymore, but it never makes me feel better. I'll usually check social media when I go to bed at night, and every time I'm like, why did I go down that rabbit hole?

Why did I do that? Well, today on Focus on the Family, we'll explore how you can put down your phone and enjoy each day with God and your family. And your host is Focus President, Jim Daly, I'm John Fuller. John, I don't even know how this is possible, but they say the average adult spends about 11 hours a day on some form of media. I mean, that seems crazy, but if you add up working on your computer, looking at your phone, watching TV, maybe it makes sense. But that just seems like a lot of time, 11 hours. And while screen time in and of itself isn't bad, like anything, when you overindulge in it, it can become a problem. And every hour we're doing something on the screens that means we're not spending time with the Lord, we're not reading his word, we're not spending time with our spouse, we're not spending time with our kids. And that's probably where that guilt pain hits me the most is missing time with my boys because I was too busy doing the emails and doing other things. But we have certainly done a lot of parenting broadcasts about helping your kids manage time on their phones.

But today, what we want to do is talk to mom and dad about them managing time well and setting a good example for their kids. And this might have a little bit of pain. Well, it'll be good pain as we talk to Wendy Speak. She's a return guest. She was here just last month talking about her book, 40 Day Sugar Fast, and today we've invited her back to talk about a similar related topic.

It's the 40 Day Social Media Fast. And we've got that book here at the ministry. We'll stop by the episode notes for details. Wendy, welcome back to Focus. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

It's good to have you here. The topic's going to be a little tender, but… I know. And it's not lost on me the irony that some, you know, most people are watching this on their phones or listening to it and downloading it on their phones.

Hopefully. Smartphones, et cetera. But I think we're all aware of the fact that we probably spend too much time, but then we rationalize it. Well, I've got to get work done. I've got to stay in touch with what the culture's doing. I mean, that's part of my job.

I've got to know what's going on in government, with faith, et cetera. I mean, you can already hear it, right? Oh, I hear it every day. So why do you think so many people do spend so much time on screens and don't recognize perhaps when it's starting to get unhealthy? Right. Well, I think that just in our culture at large, and maybe now more than ever since there's been so much distance learning and working from home, the way to be connected is online.

That's true. However, we are so connected that I think we're disconnected. We're so connected online that we're disconnected in our homes.

We're so connected with everybody following everybody that we're not following the one who said, follow me. Wow. I know it. Ouch. Right.

I keep wanting to say hashtag ouch. Yeah. I mean, that's so good. And, you know, you describe social media as a spiritual battleground. And, you know, obviously with sexual exploitation, those kinds of things, that's kind of obvious.

But in those non-obvious ways, how is it a battleground? Well, I think that everything is neutral ground and God wants it. He wants to claim that part of our lives for himself.

Right. He wants us. And the devil's like, yeah, that that's my ground. I want I want to own that.

That's mine. And so if we come to whether it's, you know, how we eat or what we look at online and we see it as a battlefield and we say, OK, does that belong to the Lord? How am I doing time on my phone, time on my laptop?

How am I doing this part of my life? Does the Lord own it or does the devil? Is it his playground? Well, that's it. You know, that's a good place to start. It's always assuming that any time on a smartphone or on any screen is not good, but that's not what you're saying.

So how does a person do an inventory of themselves in their activities to know they're either in the healthy zone or in the unhealthy? I have people ask me all the time, come on, Wendy, are you telling me that this is bad? And my response is, well, how about we turn to the word and we find out what's good. And Jesus said, why do you call me good? Don't you know that only God is good? Everything else beyond that is obviously less good. But I say instead of trying to argue about if this is good or bad, let's just put our attention for a moment on God.

He says, hey, I'm good. What am I good at? I'm good at being God.

Nothing else is good at being God. Right. And I'm reminded of let's see, it's an Isaiah where we're told the story of the man who cuts down the tree and he uses part of it to make a meal.

Right. To warm his food over the fire and part of it to warm himself. Now that that was really, really good. The wood was good at being wood, but then he carved part of it to be his God.

It was really, really bad at being his God. And I think of that as our phones. It's really good. It's really good at being a phone. It's really good at letting me stay connected with my husband throughout the day. And and we have a text exchange with my three sons and my husband and myself.

It's really good at keeping us joking and connected and knowing when the teenager is going to be home for dinner. And that's good. Now, it's bad to save me. It's bad to say this is where my joy is found. When God said, hey, in my presence is fullness of joy.

And that's a really just, you know, it's a light hearted example. But if we're turning to our phones throughout the day to meet our deepest needs, that God says, hey, that's mine. If we're turning to those we like and it's getting in the way of the one we love, that's a problem. It's not the phone's job. It's not social media's job.

And it's not even our online friend's job to affirm us, like us, love us, invite us. But that's God's job. So God's really good at being God. The phone's really bad at being God. So let's keep everything in its proper place.

And a 40 day social media fast. And I like to call it a phone fast or a screen fast. That can help us put it in its proper place. Is your phone on his throne is basically what I'm saying. If it is, let's take it off the throne. Is your phone on his throne. That's good.

Then let's take it off and let's say, God, I'm so sorry. You never really left. But let me spend some time connecting with you.

And I'm going to disconnect in order to do that. Let me ask you in the context of being a self-described introvert, which you do. I find that hard to believe because you're such a communication person. But I have to go and crawl into a black hole after an hour with you so that I can heal. Not just Jim, it's just people generally.

It comes naturally to me, the extraversion. But in that context with your four boys, I mean, you have your husband, okay, he's a man. And then your three boys. But I know.

But you've got three men in your house. And as an introvert, I know with Jean, Jean's bent more toward introversion. We hide. I find using the phone a more useful tool. That's a form of escapism. So you do.

But that's what I mean. You go to the phone. It's easier as an introvert, maybe. Yeah, because I'd much rather be talking to people.

I'm engaging people. The phone for me doesn't do much emotionally as an extrovert. No, it doesn't.

It doesn't feel good. But it is a it's a barrier when we need some space. I think a lot of moms, especially. And there are funny memes, you know, out there about moms in the bathrooms on their phones and coming out of the pantry on their phones. Yeah. And didn't you use Facebook early on as kind of an escape to kind of recharge and get away from the rambunctious boys? And during nap time, especially like, you know. Adult time.

Yeah, it's my time. And we would even say, and I think many of us do, I just and especially for those moms at home, I just want to connect with other people. But as I said at the very beginning, I think that as we connect and then we connect and then we connect for hours on end, we end up disconnected from the God and one another in our real lives, not our online lives. We're so distracted that we're not devoted to what matters most and who matters most. We need the next issue with social media is being kind of distracted, right?

Especially from God's blessings every day. And you mentioned that in the book. You had an experience.

And this one for me, this is interesting. It was about butterflies. Oh, yeah. I love this story. And you were in the middle of a fast, right?

Yes. What happened with the butterflies? It was my very first time doing a social media fast. And so I was intentionally leaving my phone at the charging station in my room. I was home. I was homeschooling. I was doing life with my boys.

And and it was a beautiful, sunny spring day and they were swimming and I was right inside the sliding glass door, writing out a grocery list or something. And they start going crazy outside. Come here.

You've got to see this. And there was this migration of butterflies, unlike anything I had ever seen, hundreds of thousands. I mean, they were everywhere, swirling, swarming and just all over the place. And I looked out the window and I thought, I got to grab my phone. I mean, I got to start a Facebook live.

Right. And I start going down the hall and I thought, what am I doing? First of all, I'm fasting.

Second of all, I don't want to miss out. I don't want to be so distracted grabbing the phone that I'm missing the moment. And so I went out there and the kids are climbing out of the pool and they're wrapping their cold arms around my waist and we're counting out loud. And and my oldest son, he yelled, good job, God. And I looked at him because when he was really little, we we learned what it means to praise God is to tell God what a good job he does. So we would see a sunset and we would yell, good job, God. And so we were having this moment, eyes on each other. If I had my phone there and I was taking pictures of them and doing a Facebook live, would I have missed the miracle, the miracle of the creator, the miracle of the creation, but the miracle of my children praising God in the midst of that moment? I mean, how amazing is that? OK, now I'm feeling bad because I was thinking I would have got the camera and taken a picture.

I'm covered in goosebumps just thinking about it. And so often we'll see this gorgeous sunset and we'll take a picture and then we bow our heads, but not in prayer. We bow our heads over our phones and we start this long string of hashtags on Instagram, hashtag the heavens declare the glory of God, hashtag creator, hashtag God is so good, hashtag isn't it beautiful?

And we missed it moving from purple to pink to magenta to peach to black. We miss it. We miss much when we share much. And so let's set it down and let's live the blessing with the creator, with our people. Oh, I just get so worked up.

Yeah. And I so appreciate that. And we're talking today on Focus on the Family with Wendy Speak, who has written a book, The 40-Day Social Media Fast. Exchange your online distractions for real life devotion. And we've got copies of that here at the ministry. Just get in touch for yours.

The link is in the episode notes. Wendy, I love your idea of making grocery stores. You're kind of your mission field. I hadn't thought about that. And, you know, for guys, if we're not going in there much, I mean, whatever it might be, the Home Depot store.

Yeah. But when you're out and about, the rule of thumb is just be aware of how God might want to use you in a relationship. I love that.

Describe how you do that, though, and especially again as an introvert, but speak to all people. But that's got to be a little difficult. Well, and the reason why this is even part of the social media fast is the whole point is we're looking up. We want to see where God's at work.

We want to look up. We're fasting from social media in an effort to get social with God, but also to get social with a real life flesh and blood people in our homes, in our neighborhoods. And beyond that, at the grocery store, right? Get offline so you can connect with the people in line at the grocery store or wherever you are. I have had so many interactions with people at the grocery store when I keep my phone in my purse. Give us an example. Let's see.

My favorite is the time I went and I was having a very hard day as a mom specifically, and I had been crying in my car. And I went up to the meat counter to get salmon. And I remember thinking, oh, my kids aren't even going to eat it. They're just going to complain.

But I have to keep feeding them these things and they're going to try new things. And anyway, sounds like a rabbit hole, but it's backstory to the story. Anyway, the guy behind the counter obviously didn't look at me because he could see my puffy face was, you know, from tears. Right. But he looked up sort of halfway and said, so how's your day going? We did say that. And I said, well, not so good, Paul.

He had a hello, my name is Paul tag. And I said, but it's just another chance to trust God more. And he started crying. And it wasn't like little cries. It was like projectile tears coming out of his eyes. And he said, that's just what I needed to hear.

Do you think that our hard days are so that we learn to trust God more? And I was fully available. And I said, yes.

And we talked about it and we prayed about it. There was another time that a woman was obviously it was at the same counter. It was at the same counter. It was a miraculous. Yes.

Sprouts in San Diego. This is where you interact. Yes. And she was ordering a side, just an individual slices of turkey, cooked turkey and a side of an individual serving of cranberry sauce. And it was on December 23rd. And I said to her, do you have plans for Christmas? And she said, no, I don't.

I mean, it was obvious she was ordering a Christmas Eve or a Christmas dinner for one. And I said, well, would you join my family and me tomorrow? We're going to go to church right down the street there. And then we're going to go back to the house and have a nice supper.

We'd love to have you join us. And this is somebody that was a complete, complete stranger. I call them grocery stories. But I was available because I was not unavailable.

And when your screen is a barrier between you and another, then it's a barrier between you and the gospel. Another time I was leaving the grocery store, I packed up my things. I went around to the side of my car to get in my car and there was a woman in the car next to me bent over her steering wheel and her shoulders were shaking. She was obviously crying, an older woman. And I tapped on the window and I asked her, can I pray for you? And she let me in her car.

This was pre-COVID-19. And she let me in her car and she shared that her husband had passed away a year before. And shopping at the grocery store is still a trigger for her shopping for one person. It's just so depressing.

It makes me want to cry telling the story. But I was available. I hear stories all the time from mom saying that when they do this social media fast, their children have their attention. But it's for all of us as we move beyond the home that those out in the world, they have our attention when we're not distracted. So we're devoted to the Lord, yes. But we're devoted to the Lord's people.

Let's live like that. That is really good. I love that idea of getting your eyes off your device so you can see what the Lord's placing right in your path. Well, devices are divisive, right? They say they're our vice, but they're divisive. They separate us from those who matter most.

Yeah, that is so good. And in that regard, those that matter most, the most intimate relationships we have, spouse, our children, the devices can really wreak havoc in our marriages, right? And then in our parenting.

And let me put it in this context with your spouse. Facebook and Instagram can be very specifically dangerous to our marriages. And here at Focus, I mean, we hear from so many people where their spouse has gotten into an affair and it's with their old high school sweetheart, old college sweetheart, and they connected through Facebook or some other social media platform. Speak to that, that issue of those old relationships being rekindled when they were, they're not healthy. Yeah, they aren't. They rarely are. So just assume they're not going to be good for you, I think is a nice safe way to start this conversation.

Just assume it's not good for you. For those who are married, when my husband and I got married, he suggested that we reach out to anyone we had been in an intimate relationship with, you know, a heart relationship, a dating relationship with, and just let them know we're going to be getting, I'm going to be getting married. I'm going to be unavailable for even friendship. Sorry if that seems rude, but it's just as a way to protect my relationship with my wife. And he had only dated one person. Seriously, I had dated a few more. So my call list was a little bit longer.

It was awkward, but it was an active, protective measure. And I have in the last decade received, I think, two friend requests from two of those guys. And I denied them. I blocked them beyond just denying them.

And I didn't respond and say, Hey, remember when I made that call 19 years? No, I'm not going to circle back and even, but it's just a protective measure. I don't need to see how happy their lives are. I don't need to see how tan their faces are as they go for a run along the beach.

I don't need anything. I don't want to see that they're reading really great books. Gee, I wish my husband's reading great books.

I bet he would talk to me about these great, you know, you see where you can go in your imagination. Yeah. So I just don't do it because then you're trying to fill something that's not a need.

And that's a destructive decision. And we hear those stories all the time. You know, Wendy, many people turn to social media to get approval from others. I mean, I think we hear that.

We probably did that in human relationships before we had social media. Right. You turn to your friend group, but now you're out there and now you're taking pictures of things, whether it's things you're creating or your dress or, you know, your physique, if a guy's doing it.

And you hear about that all the time. John's posting his physique all over. Yeah. Yeah. The shirtless pictures, but that shirt on.

You get what I'm talking about. And I think you specifically, I really wanted to capture the story because when you're a teenager with your dad, this one really got me. As I was reading the book and looking at the prep early, early today, I was just feeling, my heart went out to you. Describe what happened and let everybody else's heart go out to you.

This really is a big story in my faith life, more than even social media. I was out hiking with my dad and at a familiar place that we'd gone all the years of growing up. And he had married, gotten remarried. My parents were divorced. And you were a teenager. And I was a teenager at this time. And I had, since I was about nine, just struggled to connect with my dad or feel that he was connected with me. I could see why.

To feel approved and delighted in, let's just camp out there. I didn't feel his delight. And he had a camera, a real camera with real film around his neck.

And he was taking lots of pictures of his wife and no pictures of me. And in that moment of extreme hurt, the Holy Spirit really flooded into my heart at that age. And God communicated so clearly to me, I see you. I'm delighting in you. And when you get to your home and glory, I'm going to have it decorated with all the pictures I took of you over the years when I was so present and so delighting in you. And when we find ourselves filled up to the brim with having been the object of his delight and love, our Heavenly Father, not our earthly father. The mad, passionate pursuit of being loved, chosen, invited and having people approve of our pictures.

It just starts to slip away because we have been delighted in. And one of the words you used was approved. You know, you are, Jim, completely 100 percent approved because of what Christ did on the cross for you. Nothing else can undo God's approval of you.

He approved you because of his son. And yet we turn to the approval we desire it. And I think that it would be remiss of us not to mention that social media has been very intelligently engineered to meet our needs, our our chemical needs, our brain needs for approval.

Oh, yeah. And so, yes, the dopamine releases. And so we might not want to theologically turn to the world for our approval, but chemically we have learned to be. And so I think it's good for us to remind one another through Christ, you're approved 100 percent.

And it doesn't matter what you see online. And Wendy, I can hear that tenderness in your voice as you were describing that. I mean, that so grabbed me as a teen girl. And you're with your dad and his wife, your stepmom.

And he's taken pictures of her and not taking pictures of all of you. You know, the pain that that must have. And it was wonderful that the Lord gave you that sense.

And what a great faith statement that I'm your father. I'll take care of you. You had something else happen to you when you were nine that you describe in the book.

It's another abandonment, in my opinion. But describe what happened to you. It was similar. I mean, these were my two stories with my dad.

My dad is very punctual person, so please. And I have a very, very healthy, good relationship with him today. We have grown a lot. And God has done just redemptive work, as he does in relationships. But my dad was late to get me. Or maybe I was on the curb early. And in my imagination, doesn't the devil love to just get into there and tell us that we're not safe and we're not loved? I felt in that moment that I wasn't safe and I wasn't loved.

And again, the Holy Spirit just made it so, so clear that I am always, always with my father. Yeah. And he didn't, the issue was he didn't show up in a timely way to pick you up at school, right?

You're just there wondering where is he? Yeah. Yeah.

Right. But even as I look back as an adult, my dad was like never late. So it's interesting that that is such a profound memory because the devil just came in. He's like, I know I'm going to really, really mess up your heart right now. And God is like, no, that heart, that's mine. Well, you know what that illustrates for all of us, because I'm sure many people have a moment, however it occurred through a father, through a mother, through an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent. I mean, when you're a child, there's something that can take place where you don't understand the circumstances. All you know is that you're wounded.

Yes. Because they said something to you or didn't say something to you that you thought they should have said. And it's wonderful that the Lord gave you a heart to hear his voices, that small voice in your own little nine-year-old heart and then your teenage heart to hear that, hey, I've got you that that's amazing. And if you didn't have that experience, you wouldn't have heard.

I wasn't just a circle back. I was not distracted by my phone. Kids today waiting for dad probably wouldn't notice he was late because they're scrolling through their reels on Instagram. Even the nine-year-olds. So he had my full attention.

Well, and again, I just think that's such a beautiful place to land, you know, that God's with you. Do your best to try to fast from social media. Make sure it's not king of your life because there's someone else who wants to be Lord and king of your life, right? But we do struggle to hear his voice. And why is that? I think it's because not only the beeping and the buzzing and the pinging and the ringing and, you know, all of it on our phones with our notifications, but we're always streaming podcasts and this is a good one, but we're always reading. We're reading something where we're scrolling and we're scrolling and we're scrolling. I think we scroll so much we stop strolling. And I think the Lord says, I want to walk with you and talk with you and tell you you're my own. And so are we too distracted with all the voices that we can't hear his voice anymore? Well, right.

And that is a very good question. If you're in that spot, if that's you, man, get a copy of the 40-day social media fast that Wendy has written. It's a great manual to begin to reprioritize where you're at and to help you in your relationship with your spouse, with your kids.

Maybe so you can model better for your own children who might be driving you crazy as to what you should do with your own habits so they can see something healthy and better. And get started. Get the book. Contact us here at Focus on the Family for a gift of any amount. We'll send it as our way of saying thank you for being a part of the ministry.

And if you can't afford it, get in touch with us. We'll trust that others will cover the cost of that. But the point is, make your relationship with Christ the healthiest it can be.

And the rest will fall into place. That's what we believe. And Wendy, so good to have you back with us. Thank you. Thank you. I always love my conversations with you and the listeners. Well, it's so fun.

Thank you for being here. And we do hope you'll follow up by getting a copy of Wendy's book. And then while you're at our website, you can find information on how to join Wendy in her group, Social Media Fast.

We've got all the information at Focus on the Family dot com slash broadcast or call 800-A-Family. And the link is in the episode notes. Well, coming up next time, you'll hear how God uses your love language to connect with you on a personal level. And when Christ died on the cross, he was paying for all of our sins and failures so God could forgive us and still be a just and holy God. So that was the greatest act of service is what he did for us on the cross. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. We're on a much different course now, and I believe we received a miracle that week. Receive your free consultation at Hope Restored dot com.