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January 26, 2021 5:00 am
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You think I'm getting him a favor, I'd like to see something in return for that. I'm already doing a lot for him to cook meals and clean out my meager home has been just never seemed to notice is exhausting trying to be the perfect wife and mom look at what all these other women are doing well.
Maybe you feel the same way about your marriage but your husband doesn't meet your needs and your feeling a little dissatisfied about the relationship, how can you make your marriage better today on Focus on the Family will examine how you can change the dynamic in your marriage. In some ways that may surprise you, your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I John four John it's so true. Some couples are going to be doing well and I hear from them. I meet them when I'm traveling for focus their marriages in a good spot and they communicate really well and when they hear us talking about these subjects on Focus on the Family like why do people who believe in Jesus have a commitment to Christ. How could they be having those issues, you're probably about 10% so we want talk to that 90% of Christians who still struggle in their marriage because it's human to struggle in marriage. Your flesh gets in the way your appetites get in the way and we want to address the subject of how to do better in marriage and the way to do that is hit some things directly right so we are going to do that. The fact is that marriage is about selflessness and I think that's what the Lord is trying to teach us in marriage not to be selfish and if you're asking yourself the question, my husband is not matching my emotional needs or whatever it might be that's time to start communicating with your husband not time to get upset and mad at him.
I'm convinced the marriage is here to transform us. That's why God created the institution and I know our guest today has struggled, which I think brings her quite a bit of credibility. She struggled with these very issues being hurt by her husband and internalizing that and now she's here to say there's a far better way to know about this younger guest is Angela Mills. She is an author and a blogger.
She's been blogging since 2008. One of the forerunners in gouging movement has over a million hits on the blog. She's written a great book called bless your husband creative ways to encourage and love your man wife don't turn the dial right now. Don't turn it off as summer going what love your husband.
This is a really good book and it's really practical lots of worksheets and interaction woven throughout it just stop by our website. The link is in the notes or call 800 K and the word family Angela, welcome to Focus on the Family, thank you, thank you for having it's good to have you sent out to be okay now listen this title, bless your husband you know let's get right to it that can be a challenge. What prompted you to do this was a your husband is something now I seen a pretty good place in a marriage.
We had gone through a little bit of tough times in the beginning, and we had kind and even Downey when you get place that we are definitely in Iraq and I read a book. I'm caught up women after got some height by Elizabeth Dykes and in that book, she suggests it was like the simplest little thing, but it was to put your has been in children's names on your to do list every day and take think of something to do for them to something that you let them. And so I started doing that and I found pretty quickly that it weighs really easy to think of those things to do for my kids that it was getting harder and harder to think of Thanksgiving has been because it just didn't come as naturally to me well and I want you know I want to point that out because again, some women were joking about.
At least I am. You know when they hear bless my husband the thought is hey what about me and this is kinda getting to the point right this is where you may not especially for those who believe in Christ.
I mean this is where you learn selflessness and when yours if you're asking yourself, what about me. You may be asking the wrong question exactly because if you go into this with selfish motives and your thinking what am I can get it. That's why isn't he doing this for me. You're going to be let down and you going to guess and you can even if you're not feeling selfless at the moment you say a camming to be obedient to what God calls me to be and has been priced even if it's not coming naturally to me.
And even if it's kind of hide in overtime that's getting plastic obedience and a lot of times women will think while I how I'm doing this because I want has been to change.
I'm my husband's and one that needs to change. He's on attitude problem. I'm doing everything right. What about handmade you get that question a lot and that's true doesn't mean it's not true. Problem is, you can't control that, exactly, you can only change yourself anyways. You can change it has been, and honestly doing things about my has been in the beginning of my marriage that I would have loved to have been able to change because he was very logical and can't post decisions in a logical way and I was very emotional and passionate me when he went passing about thinking that is passionate about or that he wanted to take a different approach to making decisions and now I'm so glad I could change him because I value that we balance each other's up rightly so learn to appreciate what you might appreciate. Later that could be a long journey to learn to appreciate your spouse's 20 credibility. Learn how to do this, let me mention something want to come back to because of mom's heart is always for her kids and one of the things that we notice her Focus on the Family. When you make the family a kid centric family you're in danger. We need marriage centric families. You need to love each other well your kids your children to learn so much by how you interact and how you love each other. That's where they get a sense of security belonging exactly even further future. They know how to behave in large right so speak to that.
Once again, a little more to the detail of the credibility of the criticality of having a strong marriage well when it comes in relation having the kids and I think for women especially, just as I nature to want to put our kids first and me being a mom is really naturally came very natural to me and it was no problem to be selfless with my children is just something that we do by nature. And then when it comes to has been it so much my Depakote and sell on.
How did that recognition happen for you though Haddad was the lightbulb went off said well I'm treating my children differently than I treat my husband actually it was my and I was on and she wishes talking on her own money and my cousin. Her daughter had gone to college and she said I just want to encourage you to be really investing in your relationship with your has been spent time alone with and make sure you keep up your friendship because I just had our youngest daughter and I was just now. It was baby baby baby all the time and so she said your Ketchikan inkwell app that can move out and go, and you don't want to be stuck living with a stranger you want to have that friendship has been a night while we have really been paying attention to that at all and so that was kind of turning point for me to realize that I needed to be more intentional about having separate can keeping it going and not making Mike all about the kids which it was definitely my nature at the time you know it's natural. Actually, you have to work at it like you said, you know this is a touchy question but when you look at feminism and you know there's been some benefits of thinking of both male and female with equal but different assignments. If I could say it that way.
That would be a biblical you know women are not subservient dogs love for us women are the companion to their husbands, Adam and Eve, etc. right and but in that context feminism because of the nature of it. It has seeped into the church.
If you talk about, you know, being a servant to your husband goodness or being subservient to her husband speak to that that whole of feminism and where it crosses the line begins to work against you in your relationship with your husband. I think that's when it crosses the line is when you're actually putting yourself first and sell because you want to be independent and you been taught and I cannot believe that when I was first made as well. I really wanted to be independent and I was constantly trying to show him that I was independent and honest. They still struggle with that to this day, to be honest I think most women do, even in the church and I think a lot of times when we hear how to save your has been him to bless your has been people and women tend to think that that can be demeaning.
It's demeaning have to save my has been because I'm equal to him. Why should I be saving him that when we look at the example of a Jesus that he way saving others. The entire time he was walking the eye from a young age event and were actually getting to quelling be more like Jesus. When we sever has been is like a gift that God gives us and I just look at it as a blessing and honestly if you just start saving them and you have those good intentions in your eye, the joy will come. You now have a timing summit that was attitudes that you're being demeaned X beneath you later somehow lowering your standard of yourself. If you said you had been out will begin to get the ways you see that that doesn't leave husbands off the hook. I don't how that now you get that email and I you know know husbands are responsibly to love their wives and to lay their lives down for their lives. I mean that's the ultimate calling. We got a behave ourselves to you and I don't want to give that impression but again there's importance to both roles and we go do that. I love your suggestion about encouragement. I think this can be one of the more difficult things in marriage to encourage one another, but specifically from wives to their husbands. How can a wife. Think about that and really embrace encouraging her husband whether so many different ways we can encourage. It has been just by thinking and finding that things about him and praising him for what he's already doing and we can encourage him by sending him scriptures and and things like that and just finding different ways today lift his spirits and so you know I which can either like builder has been aptly they can tear them down. Anything gets too easily the negative things come out of my mouth all the time so let's touch on that for a moment, because it's an easy place to go, we seem to have a well of criticism or a well of negativity.
How do you consciously develop a different pattern when that's been your pattern will you have to consciously get you have to focus on Thanksgiving like I always go by, let Philippians 4 says that if you want that piece and you don't have anxiety. Focus on what is guiding and I think will heighten think about what's getting so I played that to my dad's and instead of dwelling on what I don't like about me has been and what he's doing. It bothering me focus on something that and him and turning once you start to focus on the crisis can come out again. Now yeah I like that but for the wife that struggling there. I do want to ask the question. You know, but there's so much my husband doesn't so negative that it's hard for me to find that thing away myself because I remember actually, I find myself this time I was can write a list of things I loved about my husband and I set there and I was and like such a bad mood about it. I finally sort of grudgingly bow down well. He's a good friend that came why my things that they open myself up to it and I only say if you really to a point where you can't see the good in your has been buying the God so well because everything that guy says about us in the Bible. Everything he says about you that you know you redeemed your you know you're perfectly made in all of these things a party or has been to and sell if you think about that and you try to find what God has put in him this complex good in all and I slid it.
It reminds me of what the word says God loved us even as we were sinners, so that's a great thing that's very hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do or talk about kind of getting a new perspective here today on Focus on the Family. Our guest is Angela Mills and her book. Bless your husband is available when you call it hundred the letter a in the word family or stop by the episode notes for the link Angela. You mention in bless your husband the need to find an anchor and I like that. But what were you driving what what is an anchor do for us what is an anchor and anchor the way to keep your mind on the positive dad and not dwell on the past hurts and negative things as part of what I call purposeful, reminiscing, which is looking back with a positive outlook instead of dredging up on the negative things which we kind of want to do something because it's very understood it somewhat more comfortable to think about that thing will and women have this amazing capacity to just keep dwelling on nothing drawer for forgot but you guys keep going and it inflames at each of the kids and things like that. So if you dwelling lying positive thing.
So congrats he got from a dieting program and that was doing years ago and said look at a physical object get something that reminds you how are you calming success that you had in the past and on.
So what I was thinking about that in terms of my marriage I got my name on that. Something I can look at and I see multiple times a day for me every time I see my wedding ring. I trained my brain to think this way I think about history and everything that we been through together has been proposed to me with that rain and it's been through everything that we've done like our arguments yes and I history of like roaming but also all of the fun things we did in all the good memories we have and so when I look at that habit. And I see it I think I may never imagine happy times that we've had so that's what I use as my anchor, Angela. Some of these challenges seem pretty easy things we can do it shows love then you got some things in the book that maybe a little more difficult. One thing you mentioned is to encourage wives to wash their husband's feet and give them a back massage. Yes, but okay dream was like what she responded like wash your feet. You know I get that some of the while that seems blocking hygiene.
Whatever might be right about what you driving at. What's the heart of many actually came from something that has been good for me on we went to this marriage group overnight little retreat that we had with a group of people we were just going to manage books led and all the husband's one night on set all of us lives in a circle and they went on each of them. Mike told what they lend it out it was just amazing moment and it really.
Of course, was inspired by Jesus washing that must be an email. It really struck me about that. Ways he knew it was his last night to be with them and that's what he chose to do and I thought I knew I only had you now if you showed how I slept with my family when I spend it saving me and what I be taking care of his needs away I be thinking about what I wanted to do what I wanted to happen to me that way in. I couldn't see him in my whatever that was such a beautiful illustration of just that hands-on live and you know letting go the whatever pride are taking issue of active service. There's something much deeper going on in your own heart or something like that lets you speak to contentment in marriage and you know, again I think everyone falls prey. The comparison is not a gender oriented thing, but women you know comparison really drive so much of their thinking and another ruminating all those things. How do you get off that rail of comparison, and finding true contentment in your marriage what it is really a decision you have to make that every time you stop comparing yourself to your husband at your marriage and family.
Whatever it is that you have to stop yourself in the tracks and think about something positive that's what I counteract it with is if I'm tempted to compare my husband to someone else and I just try to stop myself and think about what I love about my husband and you know comparison just isn't healthy and is not good for anyone. It's not good for your husband is not good for you because they just create discontentment in your heart and that puts you in a bad mood and a lot of time making comparison makes us feel bad about ourselves and I feel like so many problems between husbands and wives. Come find on the wife's part feeling bad about herself feeling like my husband doesn't love me even though logically, you know he dies and comparison can bring up all those feelings. And when you get into that you just headed down effect in the book. Use a double date and explain what happened is very practical to her well we were out with that couple friends of eyes and my good friend was a wife and my husband and her only just getting to know each other so we went out and hung out and has been, which is all over the way, kissing or hugging her all night. They look like newlyweds and you know they've been married longer for icing like semi but nothing compared to best and I really started feeling like somehow my relationship was lacking because my husband wasn't bonding all over me the whole night a little. I was definitely going on that will comparison and feeling like we were coming up soon and I think really on express that to my husband but I'm sure it came across in my attitude. You know, because those kinds of things as you wait your mind, and it does affect how you treating the people you because you're just all caught up in your head about healing and a few days later I was hanging out with just the wife and I and I told her you know that I was almost like you guys as he was being so affectionate references that will don't be seen have found out that he had been cheating on her, and they decided to just go ahead with the outing and he was trying to like. Basically when her paperback and she was just completely no cause.I'm exit getting chills talking about it because I realize that not only weighs being in my own had coming between Polly Mimi has been getting is an attitude I'm sure it was also made me close off to me.
That night I should've noticed that something was off with her and that she was something that had happened in her life because I was so caught up in. You know my comparison. I didn't even notice what was going on with her. So it it's really damaging know you it's interesting about that. That realization is just how the enemy works amazingly operation of the now he's obviously working to divide them in their relationship with the affair and mostly even your observation of him try to make up ground with his marriage yeah how that planted a seed in you and you have to be on your toes as me you will search wives to not give up even when your marriage is a hard place and I think that's great advice. Certainly that's the Lord's heart for relationships to improve to get better into that point. Maybe your husband is unloving or acting like a jerk. That's hard yeah that doesn't none of what were saying justifies the kind of behavior coming from a husband, but you and Eric faced some conflicts when you were first married and you considered leaving him yeah and you. I know this probably hard to talk about publicly, but helpful people listening who might be in that same place where you were and she's thinking some wife is thinking on. Think about leaving my husband what were the circumstances and what You together so I can't tell you how many times I call myself a flight risk because that was always my go to in the beginning wise. I just even when we argued I would just get the kind on types because I didn't want to be trapped in the house with my gaming system I would flee that was my thing. And so when we would get in a really big argument which we get a lot in the beginning we on both had a child when we met when we were young and we met and so we had a blended family thing going on and we both had issues and I passed that caused problems in our relationship and we were dealing with custody issues and I mean a lot for a couple to go through and we were about carrying baggage fun by parents had been to voice and we knew that we never wanted to get the voice that was pretty clear about my husband was a lot firmer and tense than I was, because I was constantly going. This is waking every time I started to make that decision. I would tell him I wanted to separate us and I wanted space. Something would happen where I couldn't do it. It was usually something with one of my kids would get said there would be a holiday coming up and I would want to win it for the family and I feel like I just always gave me an out to that temptation to leave at one time a ticket to the point when he told me has been like I actually wanted a separation and I was looking at apartments and I was very serious about it and again.just do up a roadblock and I decided to stay until Christmas or something like I then we were fine and we had what do I issues but I just I do want to encourage anyone feels that way. That it just took years and years of me realizing nothing I do is going to make him leave and I think that's really what I was testing him with thinking that if I wanted these to think he's can I say okay and he never dead and sell on.
I think I just have to figure that out mailing step in way that I can look back now and see how many times God just put up a roadblock close the delay means circumstances happen because in my heart of hearts I wanted to stay and wanted to be married. I didn't want my kids to go with the boys parents in the course were talking until about you know marriages that are having modest level of difficulty that women who are in danger by their children are in danger. We always counsel them to seek safety and here focus.
We have great counselors that women can call but were talking about just the cut of the Monday notice of marriage and how to rise above the be in a better place and it does start with that selflessness that you so dutifully described in your book blush your husband.
It's interesting that it you know we have to give so many caveats because the sensitivity of this so I talked about it throughout the half hour here you are you serious you know my husband you know if you knew my husband well I know my hello I say bless him and him and it is true you know is is just sad within Christian circles, and of course I know that something you have never dealt with this because you had the kind of relationship were you've been very open with each other.
Loving you were probably spiritually mature. I would like Justin and I get that. And certainly we don't need a note saying that you know we didn't address that we get that your relationship was good and strong. The problem is 90% of Christian marriages still struggle in different ways. I love your commitment you and Eric both commitment to stick with the rise above the flesh above the enemy of our soul, to give hope and I think your book blush. Her husband is a wonderful outline for women to really embrace something that is counterintuitive right now and that's rising above the cultural noise to truly love your husband and then you watch.
I do believe in most cases, maybe not all that husband will turn in such a way to honor you and to bless you.
I believe I just want to say thank you for being with us. It's a great resource you for having me if you can support the ministry to keep marriages together very much like what were talking about. Make a gift of any amount maybe become a monthly supporter will send you a copy of Angela's great book blush her husband as our website. Thank you.
It's very easy to sign up to be a sustaining member of the focus support team to be a monthly pledge or if you're not a spot to do that make a one-time gift. Either way, donate to the ministry today and will send a copy of bless your husband as our thank you gift for adjoining the support team are numbers 880 family or you can donate and get the book when you're online and the link is in the episode notes John before we leave. Though I need to make people aware of the fact that if there marriages in a very difficult place with a wonderful marriage intensive called hope restored. They run in Branson, Missouri, Michigan, and the just outside Atlanta.
In Rome, Georgia, and we have an 80% post to your success rate in these a lot of these couples sign divorce papers and the program really helps you do many things that Angela's suggesting but how to love each other in a different way how to communicate in a different way to understand those triggers that are really making it very difficult for you to communicate and to love each other the way God intended. So if you're in that spot a hold of us and let us give you more information about hope restored hope restored is a phenomenal resource and would like to tell you more. Our number again is 800 the letter a in the word family or click on the link in the episode notes to find out more about Angela's book for hope restored coming up next time.
Powerful message from a former teacher of the year guy down teachers I go to school early in the morning, sit down. Sean's desk and I pray for Sean sitting in his desk when Sean comes walking down the hall. I can never think of him again in the same way Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ