Holding on to Grace During an Unplanned Pregnancy

Hi, I'm Jim Daly. Are you struggling to make sense of all the chaos that's happening around us? It's time to come together to pray for our country. Join with Focus on the Family on Inauguration Day tomorrow to pray for our country, for marriages, for families, churches, and for unity with our fellow citizens.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel and pray with us live at 10 a.m. Eastern Time on Inauguration Day at focusonthefamily.com slash national prayer. I'm Jack and I'm Pete. I'm a dinosaur and I love to get on ice cream. My mom is my best friend. Well, if you didn't catch that little Jack loves dinosaurs and pizza and ice cream and he said his mom is his best friend and you'll hear more from his mom today on Focus on the Family. She's our guest and your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly.

I'm John Fuller. John, it's impossible to hear that little voice and not have a smile on your face. That's the amazing thing about children. Even when times are tough or life is hard they can always bring us joy and hope and I think they do. Of course, I understand that it doesn't always feel like that especially in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy and we've covered that many times on the program.

The enemy and the world tries so hard to shame women in that situation convincing them that they've ruined their lives by getting pregnant and many times entire families feel the weight of that condemnation as well. But as Paul reminds us in Romans 8, for those who love God all things work for good and sometimes we struggle to figure that out but over time it usually reveals itself. This week during Sanctity of Human Life week we want to highlight God's amazing love for each and every one of us and how he can take even the most difficult situation and turn it into something beautiful. Yeah, we have quite a story today. Courtney Rae Chapman and her dad Kevin Rae are with us and Courtney is a wife and a mom and Kevin is a businessman and CEO. He's married to Kim and let me mention there will be some discussions about mature topics today so you'll want to direct the attention of little ones elsewhere. Courtney and Kevin, welcome to Focus on the Family. Hey, we're excited to be here, thank you. And your dad and daughter and it's awesome to see you guys and just watching you interact.

I see the love that you have for each other. Courtney, I want to jump right in with your story. You were in your early 20s with big dreams of becoming a professional singer and songwriter when you got some news that was going to derail, you thought, those plans.

What happened? Yeah, I had a boyfriend, grew up, had a whole plan to not have sex before marriage, put it bluntly. And, you know, I failed at that and I kind of kept that secret. Eventually my family found out, but it was something I'd always struggled with. I would go through these times of remaining pure and then, man, I really love this guy.

I think it's okay. And just struggling with the temptation. Make a long story short, met this guy, love my life. I became pregnant and it wasn't planned.

It wasn't the right time at all. Let me ask you, and we're going to unfold that story, but let me ask you, you were raised in a Christian home. I know dad is sitting right next to you and I appreciate your vulnerability, your openness to talk about this because these are things that many families face.

And if it's not this topic, it'll be something else. And it is so helpful and instructive to hear from people that have gone through it and what was good and what was more difficult. But Courtney, I want to end this at you. You're raised in that kind of good Christian home. You made that purity commitment, as you said, and I'm a father of two young adult men, 18 and 20. And I have to ask what from your perspective went wrong with that absorption of that message? I mean, what would you say at the core that you ended up failing at that?

You know what? I think if I look back on my teen years at home and at church, every time sex was brought up, it was like this black box that you just don't touch. And I feel like there was never this discussion to any degree of how it's a gift.

It's a beautiful thing. I feel like if I felt more comfortable talking, I might've felt like, Hey, this is a temptation I'm struggling with. And it was just put in such a light that we don't talk about that. And I didn't want to let my family down. If we can't even talk about it, church doesn't even talk about it, I definitely don't want them to know I'm struggling with it.

Well, that's not unique. I mean, I'm going to let your dad off the hook a little bit here because we all struggle with that as Christian parents, particularly because we're uncomfortable with that topic. And a lot of Christian marriages struggle with the freedom of that gift that God gives us in marriage. We do a lot of counseling with couples that struggle even after they're married with the idea that this is okay now.

So, you know, we get it and we understand the taboos. Let me ask you though, before we turn to your dad, when you told your parents about the pregnancy, your dad said some words that really impacted you. And what did he say? He said basically in a nutshell, that I was a disappointment, that I let him down. I let the family name down and it validated my own self-fear because that's how I felt. And that's why I didn't want to tell anybody and I wanted to keep it in the dark, you know. What you feared was coming about.

You heard it first from your dad. Kevin, let me turn to you. And I, again, your boldness is applaudable.

So thank you for being here, both of you, your stories. When you hear Courtney say that, how does that make you feel? I mean, it makes me want to tear up. You know, I know that I had a tremendous opportunity in that moment and I didn't take advantage of it. Well, but I mean, you're on the other side of it.

And so, like we said in the beginning, Romans 8 works for you too. Absolutely. And not just your daughter in this situation. So I mean, describe that frustration. What, and I think I understand it being a dad. When you get that news, it's like a frying pan coming upside your head. I mean, what did you feel like? Well, I felt anger. I felt frustration. I felt like I had been betrayed. I mean, I put myself first, you know, and instead of, I mean, I don't know if that's what you want to get into, but I felt mad.

I was ticked off. I felt like she blew what I had planned for her, which is part of the problem. But there was a lot of my just, you know, honestly, looking back in retrospect, I was caught spiritually unprepared for the news and I shouldn't have been. Like I said, it was a beautiful moment that I could have hit out of the park for my Lord and really come alongside her. And that's why it's still so raw, you know, to hear her say the truth.

That was a truth. She actually, it was better than what I did. It just saddens me, you know, that I wasn't ready to hear those news and I can hide behind.

I just wanted her best, but quite frankly, exactly what she said. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't understand how she could put us in this position. And it was just. And to a degree that's pointing to, yeah, she's a reflection of you and your family. And that's gotta be part of what this is rooted in that you're saying, what have you done? Look at this. I think it was fear too. Absolutely.

What's next? He's my protectors. My dad's my best friend, you know, we're tight. And my whole childhood I knew he had my back and I didn't want to let him down, you know?

And I think more than anyone, I was the most afraid to tell him because we'd had these talks and I knew what he expected and it was scary to let someone that at the time was the most influential person in my life know, hey, I failed, you know, I did it. I'm pregnant. Yeah. And yeah, I appreciate that. I guess as we're talking about this hole that was being dug, let me take the next shovel load out because what crossed your mind, Kevin, as dad was is abortion an option?

I mean, you actually had that flash of a thought because it would be easy. Yes, absolutely. And, you know, I got great counsel from my friends and church members, but in retrospect, I look back. Yeah. And part of the problem with that was I think the verbiage that I was saying, whether it was from the adversary or my own fears and frustration and anger was it was a situation. It was a problem to be dealt with.

Yeah. And looking back in retrospect, I can see how the Lord like, no, it was a child, a baby. And if I had a thought and use those terms, it would maybe help me not even let that flash through my mind. And I'm going to, I don't normally do this. I'm going to give you a heads up because toward the end of the program, I'm going to ask you to replay the tape. That would have been better.

You said the Lord gave you an opportunity. So just think about that as we continue through, because my last question to you is going to be, play the tape back differently. And that really will be a benefit for those of us, like I said, my two young boys, I may get that news someday. So the for the listener who either just heard the news or is about to hear this news that their daughter, their son, they're pregnant and not married. So give that some thought as we continue through.

Courtney, I want to turn back to you because it's really important. And I'm speaking to you as a dad. You know, again, we're we all fall short, right? But this idea that, you know, we have this projection of perfection, if I could say it that way, that we want our kids, we want ourselves, we want our marriages to reflect Christ. It's not a bad goal. It's a noble goal.

It's a good thing. But when that becomes more important than what's real, then we're in trouble. And coming back to you again, you say that at the time you felt love from your parents, you talked about your relationship with your dad, you're in church, you know that God loves you. And yet, describe that idea that perfection seemed to be the goal. In fact, I think you use a soccer story.

What happened with the soccer story that really does suggest, you know, we expect a lot out of you? Yeah, I mean, that's just a little example. I remember growing up, I'm always an athlete. That's one of the reasons we're so close, you know, is something we had together.

Your love language. Yeah, for real. And there was just one time, you know, I remember I was being at practice. And I love that this man was so involved.

He didn't miss a practice, let alone a game. And he was the dad taking notes at practice, you know, to help me and we'd go practice together. And it was great.

But there's one particular practice I remember, and I was young, I don't know, 12, 13. And I missed a goal or something. And I looked up and he was so upset, and he took his hat off, and he left and he went to his truck. And it, it hurt my heart so much, because it made me feel like he wasn't just there to watch me, it was maybe like, he was there to watch me, but he wanted me to be the best. And I know that comes from a place of wanting me to succeed. And because we practice together, and I know it had good intentions. But at the time, it made me feel like, man, I have to be perfect. And if I even mess up, I'm not worth sticking around for, you know? Oh, I know, I get this. And again, man, I applaud your vulnerability, both of you, to be able to share so honestly about this. Because so many of us in the Christian community, we cover, we sweep this over, right?

No, no, no, I don't, I'm unconditional in my love. But most often, we're not, we need to see some performance. And then we're gonna, you know, give you the that of girls or the that of boys. But in that context, let's jump back to your story. We talked about your dad's instinct or his thought about abortion. What was your process there?

Did you think about that? And what did you try to do? Instantly that I mean, and I'm embarrassed to say that because I come from homeschool, Christian school background. I've no abortion drawing, I believe I've argued with people in high school that I think abortion is wrong. Here I am sitting in a gas station parking lot. I couldn't even go home to take the pregnancy test. I took it at a gas station because I was like, I don't I don't want to see it in the garbage. I just I didn't want to accept it. I didn't even want it at the house. Like I just wanted to keep it in its own little entity.

And I'm sitting in a gas station parking lot in my little white Acura. First thought that popped into my head was I gotta have an abortion. And it scared me to myself because, you know, how I was raised on one side of me and my fear on the other side and in the midst of the moment, everything I stood against didn't matter anymore.

The way out was just so tempting. So how did that process play out over hours, days, etc? What happened? So I called Tucker, who's my boyfriend at the time, and we hadn't been together long. So I'm thinking this relationship is definitely about to end.

I called him and I was crying and I just he answered the phone and I said, I'm pregnant, it's okay. I understand. We're done. And I hung up. I just broke up with him.

Like, you don't have to do it. I'll do it. I'll take one waiting for his response. Wait for a response. I hung up and just sat there like, just kind of numb. And I'm just like, you're frozen. So I got in my car and I kind of paused that thoughts of abortion and just transitioned it to Okay, let's just accept what's happening for a minute.

Right? You had that conversation. And I don't know exactly what took place there. But you still made a an appointment with Planned Parenthood, correct? Yeah, I did. And I, I didn't end up going, but they had a I don't know if it was like a phone counselor. She answered and it was a receptionist, but they put me on the line with somebody.

And she was the total opposite of what I was expecting from the church, my family, my friends, it was so welcoming and like, sweetheart, it's okay. Listen, you don't have to explain it. Everyone's been there. We got this covered.

No one will know. Don't worry, come to it was so like, calming is what I needed. And she even reinforced it's not a baby. Yes, it's just a bunch of cells.

Oh, yeah, it's not a baby. You don't have to face this. Your parents will never have to know your friends will never have to know. We can just don't even let it hurt you. We can get this handled. You know, like it was just as simple as you know, just erasing something.

Right. And that did lead you to at least schedule an appointment. Yeah, and I did. I made an appointment. I didn't tell anybody that I made an appointment. And so you're headed to the appointment. And what happened? So I'm driving to the appointment. And I was very, just in a stoic state of mind.

I usually listen to music and, you know, happy driver. And I was this three days later, four days later? A week, I would say about a week later. Okay. And they had found out they had freaked out your parents.

Yeah. And they didn't know I was contemplating this. But I was like, what's the harm? I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna hear him out. So I'm on my way there. And I'm driving. And for the first time, it's I just get this image in my head.

And I'm sitting at a stoplight. And it's out of left field. And it's of what I picture Jesus to be standing in heaven, he's holding a baby. And I'm just like, now, you know, what, what's the significance of that?

It's so random. And when he spoke, just changed everything changed my entire life. He said, one of us is going to hold this child. And the decision of who that's going to be, is up to you, it's going to be you or me. Wow, that is powerful.

Yeah, I don't want to just go right by that. That's an amazing experience. Yeah. And I think seeing him with a baby that in his arms, it really hit home. This isn't nothing. This isn't a clump of cells.

This isn't that it's a child. And really, someone is gonna, I mean, I believe in God, I believe in heaven, if I go through with this abortion, he is gonna hold my child, I want to hold that baby, you know, and it just, I wanted to take the power back and try to right my wrong. And you turned around. Yeah, I stopped. I instantly stopped. I pulled over.

Tucker was completely supportive. I told him of I told him of our my decision. He wanted the same thing.

I was battling him on it. Well, that's Courtney Ray Chapman, and she and her dad, Kevin Ray are our guest today on Focus on the Family. And we want you to know we're here if you're facing some things in life that you didn't plan on that are causing a lot of angst and really troublesome to your soul. Give us a call. Let us connect you with one of our Caring Christian Counselors.

We have other resources as well. Our number here 800, the letter A in the word family, or you can click the link in the episode notes. Courtney, you decided to turn around, you didn't go through with the abortion, but you still felt your parents were disappointed in you. But you saw a shift after that first ultrasound, man, we believe in ultrasounds.

So describe that and then what you saw with your dad at that moment as well. Yeah, we're we're in the ultrasound room. And I'm laying there and I'm, I don't know what to expect. I've never been pregnant before.

And how far along are you? I think this was early, maybe 10 weeks. I mean, this was one.

There wasn't much to see. But you could definitely see little legs and heartbeat was probably Oh, that was the first thing that just boom, the sound before the picture came up of the heartbeat was just like, it just made it real. This is an amazing thing. This is not just a baby, but like mine. It's my baby. You sound like you were excited. Oh, I pulled out my phone. I was like, you gotta let me record this. Like I got a little heartbeat.

They put it on the screen, the picture on the screen of the ultrasound. And I just we all, my dad was there. My mom was there.

And I mean, I mean, talk about a 180. Everyone in the room started crying. It was just this a baby. It's good. Everything. It's a gift.

It's a gift. It's so crazy how God can turn something that we're all so afraid of. And now we're, we're excited. And it's a life and we get to see it as little legs and arms move when it sounds like what happens in that circumstance. And again, I haven't been in this yet. And I hope it goes differently.

But if it doesn't, we'll react. But priorities start to fall into better place, right? Fear abates and looking down the road at what this child will be starts to fill your dreams and your ideas and your thoughts. Kevin, how about you with that ultrasound? What was going through your mind? Well, the Lord had been working on me like, look, your daughter's getting support from the father.

She's getting better support from playing parenthood at this point. You know, I mean, it was humbling and breaking. But it culminated at the ultrasound. It definitely was a watershed moment where we could see life. We could see it. I, it just was absolutely riveting and it changed the narrative. Like I said, the verbiage from that point on, there was no question. Every conversation.

If somebody said, Hey, how's Courtney doing with the situation? But under she's having a baby, it's a child, right? It was just a dramatic shift in the mental focus and thought pattern of seeing that in her womb was just amazing. And you, you talk about the change that you had in your parenting style, and this is maybe the core for us parents that are listening.

Yes. Describe that, how this experience changed, how you viewed the parenting role. Well, not just this experience, but also counseling, you know, has showed me, you know, she glossed over pretty good to the soccer incident.

There was many, and I would love to cling to the narrative that it was because I was just so encouraged for her, but it was unhealthy. Well, you're driven. I was already there. I kind of read between the lines.

And it was a pretty intense scrimmage and there was a scout there. And so there's a little bit more to the story, but I've learned through this that I cannot, when my child stumbles and she begins to let the Lord pick her up and walk down a godly path, I cannot be a hindrance in any way, shape or form. I'm her earthly father. And what she gleams in those moments for me has a direct impact to how she views her heavenly father.

So true. You're making me cry now. So knock it off. Can I say one thing and interject here? Because I don't even think I've told you this, how much it meant to me, but it's just hitting me recounting how awesome that ultrasound moment was. You said something. He did it. So Jack did a little backflip on the ultrasound and kicked his legs.

And do you remember what you said? He said, that's my girl's soccer legs. And it was such a full circle moment because it was like, you know, it just tied in my whole past 20 years, you know, that's my baby's soccer legs. And now it's on, he was disappointed and now it's excited for his grandson.

Sweet. I mean, it is, it's changing the mindset from, you know, what we have bought into, what we believe, even in the Christian community, that this is a clump of tissue. It's really not a baby.

They tell you that they reinforce that, but you know, it's a baby and all it needs is time. And then you have Jack and he's probably already now running on that soccer field. I imagine at three, but you did end up marrying Jack's dad and you have another son together now. And how are you doing?

People are going to say, Jim, you never asked how she's doing. We have another, we have a one-year-old William and those two boys are peas in a pod. They keep us busy. Yeah.

We're doing good. We're dealing with normal marriage stuff. Right. And that was really the next question. So often fear is going to grip a young couple like that.

You're not going to make the right decisions when you're in an environment of fear. And so just like your dad said, did your husband give you that kind of confidence? You know, let's get married.

Let's do the right thing. We got married before Jack was born and it wasn't a shotgun type of wedding thing. It was really because he wanted to just show me that he was committed to me and that he used the terms. He said, when I want to be a family, when Jack's born, I just want to be a family. And so, you know, it sounds like an impressive young man. He's a great guy. I look forward to meeting him someday.

Kevin, we're to that point. And I want you to speak to the parent who's going through some kind of crisis with their adult child, their 20 something most likely, maybe their late teenager. What would you say to them to help them get through that time and to cling to the Lord, basically the things that you've learned, really the question I was going to ask you, if you could roll the tape back, how would you have responded differently? Well, that's one of the reasons I wanted to come. I love Courtney's story and I'm a part of it, but the reason I wanted to come most is any father that could potentially be in the spot I was, I beg you understand that this is a gift from God where you can exhibit his kingdom's principles to your child in a way that is real, in a way that is tangible to encourage her or him to strengthen them, to come alongside them, to cherish the fact that after stumbling, they're taking a path towards life. I beg you, don't make the mistakes I did. That's the whole purpose of being here.

Second of all, I think that I would have prayed now, knowing now, to ask God to give me a glimpse of what I have now with Jack. He is my buddy. I love him and he calls me Peepaw. We hang out all the time.

He's an absolute joy. He actually has helped my theology because every time I get a glimpse of him, his wonderment, his sense of joy, his happiness, he could step right from this planet into the kingdom of God right now and have no issue. It just reminds me. It reminds me that that's what we have to be like to enter the kingdom of heaven and to think that I could have in any way played a part in having him not be here.

It's staggering. Well, and I know people have already gone through this situation and maybe they didn't make the right decision and now they're carrying that burden. So man, I want to make sure you know focus is here for you. We have counselors on either side of this.

Call us and get the help you need. Don't hold back and John will give those details in a moment. Courtney, let's go back to where we started. We talked about you having a desire to be a songwriter, a singer and you haven't put that aside, have you?

No. And you've done it. You continue to write and to do the things that were in the deepest part of your hearts. In fact, we have a clip of a song you wrote as a message to women considering abortion. I mean talk about your passion being born out of your pain and I want to play that as we close. Can we do that? Yeah, that'd be awesome. Wow.

I hope you choose you. Boy, that applies to so many areas of our lives, doesn't it? Yeah. And what courage you both have shown and people are going to be touched. All I could say is help us save babies.

Yeah. Be a part of it. Be a part of the ministry. It's $60 with Option Ultrasound to show the girl and perhaps her boyfriend and maybe her mom and dad too what is growing inside her womb and I don't think we could say it any better than we've said it, John. Our Option Ultrasound program, we're approaching 500,000 babies that have been saved through that effort.

We do invite you to join us in that if you can, if you're in a spot to make a $60 monthly pledge, that would be awesome. If you're in a point of need, if you are not sure what's going to happen next and you need some encouragement, give us a call. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459 or click the link in the episode notes. Courtney and Kevin, man, thanks for being with us. Thank you for having us.

It was a pleasure. And thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family. Be sure to be back here next time as we hear how a simple act of kindness can change your life in a profound way.

Kindness means you open yourself up and you allow your imperfections to be exposed because that's how you make yourself receivable. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. January is Sanctity of Human Life Month and you can join Focus on the Family as we love every heartbeat. Whether you join us for the March for Life in Washington, D.C. or you make an impact where you live, we can all stand up for the truth and for life. Share your heart, your kindness and your hope with others through the 2021 March for Life and Sanctity of Human Life Month at FocusOnTheFamily.com slash March for Life. FocusOnTheFamily.com slash March for Life.