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January 15, 2021 5:00 am
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Read the full list the lonely and that we may take says weaknesses and themes I think that we cannot that's Amy Carol and she's our guest today on Focus on the Family along with her friend and co-author Sherry Gregory Pedrosa spoke as president, Dr. Jim Daly and on John for your drama, they were here. Focus on the Family is women feeling overwhelmed, very common as express what they tell us they feel the pressure expectations obligation ceramic home. Why, family, work, church, friends, and the list keeps going, I see that with Jean I was talking to her early today after what's an example where she is felt those things and she reminded me of the story. She was the homeroom mom, you know, we had our boys in charter school and she had made a commitment to do the Christmas party, both for trans-class and Troy's class, never realizing they were in the land at the same time so she literally had to be in two places and then she selected a craft that was way beyond the age of either trans-class or Troy's class so they needed extra help and she said it was just a mind blowing experience, and she felt so inadequate afterward that she didn't realize the timing problem. The kids did not have a great experience or she failed them and she just brought that all home now that burden of I'm terrible. How can I do this as a mother, and there are a lot of moms what ever that example is I know you're thinking of it right now that made you feel less than perfect.
And guess what, that's okay, you are less than perfect. Just like the rest of us. And today we want to encourage you as a woman to step back and take a breath of fresh air and we hope to help you better understand who you are in Christ with our guest today and Sherry Gregory and Amy Carol will help us understand a little bit better how to let go of things and really rest as you said Jim both have been with us here before Amy is a writer and speaker for Proverbs 31 ministries Sherry is also popular as speaker and writer and together they host the grit and grace podcasts.
They written a great book called exhale lose who you're not love who you are. Live your one life well and of course we have copies of that just checked the episode notes for the details.
Sherry and Amy welcome back to Focus on the Family. Well thank you that we are super excited to be here. Great to be here. It's always good to have you here.
You bring such wonderful content for women who, you know, like most women are just struggling with something right and that this is a great book. Exhale Jean in fact was able to flip through.
She's looking forward to reading it, but it really touched her heart. I think you've got a great message here for women at your both speakers with the mission to encourage women what you are hearing from the ladies you talk with I mention what we hearing her focus. What is the pressure some of the pressures. Examples of the pressure that there feeling we have them say many women who are, they might be like us who are they feel like they're suffocating under the pressures of being all things to all people has always been that way. We really think it has been 10th time degree. Women have always worn a lot of hats that I think social media has handed out. What about you, she actually absolutely anything you know when things that we feel strongly is that they they desperately want to let their people well they want to bring glory to God and then they have these desires in their heart that they like to feel that they feel like they have to pick two or three like there's no possible way they could do all three is even guess the one that gets shifted aside a coarsening to try to bring glory to God course they can care for their family and said the desires of their hearts. Feel selfish and think about you paint a picture in the book about that woman who's waking up at two in the morning. I think use the 237 significant others waking up at 237. Please write or call as you have that picture of that woman in mind waking up in the morning, stressed the 237 describe what that is getting yes she's managed to fall asleep and then her brain wakes us out later and it's like you guys remember that scene in I Love Lucy at Bethel and Lucy at the top and that's what going on in her head is important about about this conversation is when talking about external pressures were talked about those internal pressures that just keep mounting just pick up the dry cleaning and just this for the kids in this at work on this a dozen dozen and that she can't get back to sleep and she's wondering what is she doing wrong. What's wrong with her. Where has she failed yeah and she's trying so hard to do so much that you know this is not a book question, but it's one that's always kind of circulating in my mind about men and women in the differences upset this often, but women seem to own the burden of failure much more than men.
I mean minutes.
The other guys fault. I think it might be our pride and ego that gets there and it saves us into one degree from owning stuff. But with women is just they always seem to look to their own faults first and it's an amazing capacity, but it can be debilitating if taken to an extreme right. I think that it springs out of some of our greatest strengths were, we are created in the image of God, and we reflect his image in the way we live people we nurture people we take on responsibility for the people around us, whether it's our neighbors or family members or the people we work with and we can care so much, and that's a wonderful thing it is that it can be our biggest downside today when we start to shoulder all of that in our own strength and we don't live what Sherry and I call the examined life tenancy is when I think a lot of times it's just to say yes and true courage is not actually think our churches encourage that is a really good woman is going to always say yes right you everything. The good Christian one Amanda while he says yes to everything right. Will Scripture doesn't really refund that trait that we tag into that and we found some freedom in the process. That's interesting. That's what dig into.
Let's move to that practical help you encourage women to lose love and live which sounds great.
Maybe title to a movie, but what kinds of things should she lose. For example, it sounds interesting.
Well, we found that the first seven Sherry really came up with this concept that it is step-by-step that we begin to live our one life.
Well, first we have to lose who were not thinking about our minds and our hearts as an episode of hoarders for a lot of aware that we have such clatter that there is no room to actually live the life that God has created us for, and called us to a so when you lose something.
How do we get to the point, how do women get to the point where it's okay. It's good to lose something because it sure feels counterintuitive. It feels terrible and depressed. First of all, humans are lost of ours we don't like the idea of losing anything. But you know I love helping I love helping even when people don't know they need help specialist at guiding on EN and being a problem preventer and they should be so grateful for me showing up and seeing so far in advance that I can just swoop in and save the day and it turns out the really irritated with me and they don't recognize problems the way I do. And so you know I used to think that this meant it was a special gift from God will ask the need for that is meddling. When I had been asked to step in and help and actually sometimes I would present the consequences that needed to happen so they could learn, but at the core Sherry it's giving you a feeling of worthiness feel good about doing that and then I had to be Jim I see it in Jean again, there is that pole that you you feel a certain self-worth from stepping in and fixing a problem doing the right thing.
Having the right answer.
We all suffer from Metro degree, but but how do you keep it in that healthy place and not the intrusion place. You know what we've discovered it special.
I just got especially in a collaboration is when we're working together on a project.
We have given each other permission to speak into each other's lives to speak into the project that stays on both board. We have boundaries around it's really healthy what I just described is like one day my husband decided to make blueberry pancakes. I decided to stay in the kitchen and watch him so I think I cleaned I like a lot making apple crisp. I did not make an apple crisp the making of a crystal keep keeping on him because he does everything wrong and bite my tongue. I like where this is pancakes man talked hard blueberries and hot water guys everything to the temperature too high and I'm just like ready to jump in and save even looks my direction leaves the room.
I checked burning the talent back to my Apple and in my hyperfocus on his staff. Apple crisp, peasant, oatmeal, brown sugar crumble on top of the oatmeal in with the apples in there now, the consistency of glue in all that goofiness and it takes me 20 minutes to clean up my mess and it was one of those moments where I went. I just cause myself a ton of work is pancakes. He was fine. He did not have a problem I saw probably didn't exist and I jumped in and there was no need burning pancakes would be a problem. I don't think my kids with those but he didn't mean to how I was and it was meddlesome. He has to obvious follow question, especially in marriage. When you have that kind of thing going on, let's say, okay wife is recognizing well what Sherry just said is so true. Attend to intrude into the problems my husband might be experience rather than be invited in. Again, how do you manage that. Do you hey honey you need some help for me. How to broach that subject without irritating him will set Sherry up for that is because I've said that the best page in the butt. Is that where she made a chart on the difference between helping and meddling and listen to your husband. No accountability you have it copied and put it on my refrigerator, especially not only in marriage but in our interactions with our adult sons and daughters that this is really important that I really should have it tattooed on my are things on that chart with the caveat that I'm not talking about when you are actually in the role of advocating for somebody who can't advocate for themselves about early parenting time at people who are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for themselves.
So helping is by invitation has never asked for help. So that's five consulate jumping in, but meddling is by invasion. So yes, I would invade insert myself where I didn't belong. Helping us and asking us to be respecting the other person, whereas meddling is going to assume and presume and like I said earlier, it's good to prevent some of those necessary consequences, especially with our adult kids. They need to learn from themselves and you know when it came down to it I just didn't want expect to experience the pain of those natural consequences. I wanted to prevent them in the first place. I'm not a problem solver so much as I'm a problem preventer right but it prevents a lot of learning along the way and the control issues can be found in that arena. Let me ask you to describe the difference between a fixed mindset in the growth mindset. Again a topic for use in the book. What's the difference will Sherry and I both describe ourselves as reforming perfectionists the day it applies to anybody who feels like that has to be all things to all people in a fixed mindset says that either do it right or do it wrong. If I do it wrong.
It's the worst thing ever, but a growth mindset says little failures along the way lead to growth and a better life than what we have found is that the scariest thing for a woman who feels like she doesn't love her life anymore and she wants to change it. The thought of trying to change and not being able to is terrifying and said that yes it keeps so many of us paralyzed and stuck where we are but there is good news because God not only made our brains for change were cannot brain science geeks were both former educators that he made our minds. There they have neuro- plasticity we are created literally by God for change and that he doesn't make has said that we have to do the change on our own.
He gives us. Jesus empowered change. You can find out more about that when you get your copy of the book by Amy and Sherry.
It's a really terrific book is called exhale lose who you're not love who you are. Live your One Life will and we've got that the link is in the episode notes or you can call 800 the letter a in the word family.
Let's get to the love who you are portion of the book. Why do women have such a tough time loving who they are and some Christians will say with the sounds not correct to love myself.
It's antithetical to our faith because were sinners saved by grace given by God's we love God, but we don't love ourselves unpack that for us. You know and you and I both done this separately when we've spoken to groups of women where we've asked them to make a list of their weaknesses, and US group of women to do that you will hear pens scratching time limit. Right now they want more pain for me and it gets crazy to say this and I want to do it for men.
What you hear or talk after I have finished 200 sorry little belligerent, don't write us or email is being funny. But if we turn the tables and say okay now make a list of your God-given strength. You will hear crickets chirping and so we aren't saying don't ignore your weaknesses. Okay that that's not the message at all but one of the things that we really want to do in the book in the section on love who you are is say spend some time really embracing who God did in fact create you to be.
Get to know who that person is. I spent so long trying to shore up my weaknesses in L and when I went to and look at the story of Jesus thing that the 5000 again and what do they bring to Jesus. They bring this little handful of weakness five loaves and two fish dishes.
How far will this go among so many and that's I think how women are feeling.
237 in the morning.
How far can one of me with all my frailties go among all of these needs and so what women like us do is we go to Barnes & Noble about the self-help file and we try to shore up our weaknesses only hyperfocus on those weaknesses.
We try to be like other people, and when we hand our weaknesses over to God. He's the one who transforms them and when we trust him to be the one that we are following and that he made us on purpose for his purpose. And so whatever those strengths are that he gave us it's okay to focus on those not as a way to say look at me, but as a way to glorify him, that being who he created us to be is actually an act of worship and to try to be somebody else to be so apologetic know know know what we we have recognized as false humility. We can spend so much time trying to wallow in those weaknesses rather than standing up and saying yes God made me I'm a researcher actually come to embrace being a researcher and any has the gift of the gab that God is using an amazing let me ask you this, and that context word sure is just described there. When you hear somebody hopefully your husband let's get it to an intimate example where he says to know how much God loves you.
How did you react to that 10 years ago and how you react to that today you timeframe around that because lite, even hearing you say it.
I had this reaction right sitting right here and I teared up and willing to receive that because Constance is to work in me 10 years ago. I daresay I probably would've had a different reaction and I might have even started listing all the reasons he really shouldn't. That's where you would go with right when I listen in transformation is the ball to step into this one and God created he loves so much. As Sherry said I love how David said I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made it just said I am fearfully and wonderfully made arrogance that he says I praise you syndicate credit to his creator, and if we will do that to we can step into this beautiful place of loving ourselves because we are so deeply love again. Everybody I think 2° struggles, women, men with that think women struggle more because of the self-doubt and self loathing that occurs good enough that I didn't do the Christmas party right sure you talk about story where your mom took you to meet someone or to hear someone speak you said story because I think it describes what were talking about, you know, when I was 16 my mother went to Slit Tower Speak on the Four Personalities and She Came Home to Get a Solid Personality Test and Her Worst Fears Were Confirmed That She Was the Only Sane Human Being and Rig Pretty Much Right but She Learns the Next Day and I Was I Was Awestruck by Florence and She Was Such an Amazing Communicator and What I I Want to Be Just like Her When I Grow up Just like Her and What I Discovered Is What Starts out As an Ideal like It Was Okay to Say, Will You Know I Again so Much.
God Works so Powerfully through Her, but Then to Idealize Another Person.
I Think This Is What Happens with Women Is We End up Putting People on Pedestals We Idealize Them and We Don't Realize How Quickly an Ideal Can Morph into an Idol. And so It Was Really Important for Me to Realize I Can Admire. I Can Appreciate Florence, I Couldn't. I Could Receive All of That the Teaching She Had.
But Then for Me to Really Respect Her Teaching.
I Needed to Embrace My Actual Personality and the Person That God Created Me to Be and Let Her Be Herself and Me Be Myself and That Touches on This Other Area Again That the Gene Helped Illuminate for Me to Think Gene Is Always Struggled with Is Overcommitment Saying Yes Too Much and Then Failing and Then Beating Yourself up That She Didn't Perform at the Level She Set for Herself. The Other Is the Comparison Trap and That's Kinda What You Describe Right You Do That, Especially with Social Media Today.
The Comparison Trust Was Horrific Know My Kids Party Wasn't Quite like Betty's, Whatever, How, How Do You Get Out Of That Tripping Will I Think We Start to Embrace Our Quarks the Parks and Alex's Prayer Had Given Each Other's Superpower Names Nerdy Girl Who Loved the Restart and Wordy Girl Because I'm Wordy. I Have Learned Than the Average Woman in Me, and for a Long Time. I Felt Ashamed of That When I Started Realizing That the Power of Words and How We Can Every Use Words That Felt Ashamed That My Third Trip to India.
I Saw an Example of How God Can Turn Our Quarks into Parts That Really Change the Way I Thought about That. We Got to Meet a Man Name Rajiv Rising Early in His Life Was Orphaned and He Went into a City to Try to Survive and Ran into the Worst of the Worst Every Abuse That You Can Imagine, Rajiv Suffered but Rajiv Had This Thing in Hand.
This Thirst for Justice, but He Connected with the Wrong People and It Landed Him in Jail through Protesting and Violence Turned out That Jail Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Rajiv Because He Heard the Gospel There, and He Accepted Jesus Will Rajiv Literally Lived in a Tent Made of Trash All All the Things He Had Picked out That He Could Piece Together to Make a Large Tent. He Had but Rajiv Do Was He Had Taken That Thirst for Justice and Done Right for His People There.
He Was a Leader and in That Our Group Was There, Rajiv.
You Let a Worship Service That I Couldn't Understand a Word but I Found Myself We and I Realized That God Had Made a Tabernacle Out Of That, Made of Trash That It Was the Most Tangible Presence of God That I Had Ever Felt before God Had Redeemed His Clerk of This Justice Thing That Got Him in Trouble and Turned It into His Greatest Strength for God's Glory in This Community and He Can Do the Same for Us. God Reject the Foolish, the Lowly and the Week He Chooses Them He Chooses Us and He Takes Those Weaknesses and Redeems As into Things That We Can Set Early Morning Beautiful. I Love That Aspect of What the Lord Does for Us Sherry Were Nearing the End Here, but a Part of Your Testimony, Your Story Is Eating Disorder Focus Goods in a Quite Lot of Emails and Phone Calls from Women, Particularly Her Struggling with the Mishap and I Think Just after High School for You Right for Those Folks Particularly or for Anybody That's Babbling. You Know That Hidden Secret Thing. How Did Your Relationship with God Change That. How Did You Get Free of That. I Was Actually an Eating Disorder Unit for Six Weeks and This Was Back in the 80s When They Really Didn't Know What to Do with Us, You Know There in There Were Was Also It's a Attempts at Therapy and Stefan, I Think I Left and I Had a Slight Awareness That I Had a Problem. I Mean I Remember When I Was I Was Admitted.
The Doctor Was Telling My Parents Will. Anorexia Nervosa Is Attempting to Commit Suicide Slowly and I Was like I'm Trying to Kill Myself and It Was One Night after a Very Difficult Family Therapy Session and I Say Difficult Because They Wanted Me to Share My Emotions with My Parents and I'm like Oh No We Are Family Thinkers, Not Feelers. That's Not Gonna Happen.
I Went Back to My Room and I Was Going to Read Myself to Sleep Out Of My Bible but I Got into Psalm 18 and It Talks about the Cords of Death Being Wrapped around Me in the Coils of Destruction in the Grave, and I Suddenly That Was the Moment I Realize, Hang on, I Am Dying and What Happened at That Moment Was That God Rescued Me and from the Eating Disorder but He Also Offered Me Refuge, Rescue and Refuge and What I Only Now Realize Is That I Said Yes to Rescue but I Said No to Refuge. I Felt like I Had to Then Take Care Of Myself. After That, and I Think That Something That Many Women Fall into Is Feeling like Okay God Does the Saving but I Think This Is Where the Pressure Comes from. This Is Where That Sense of Failure Comes from God Saves.
God Rescues. But the Rest Is up to Me and to Realize That Now Actually the More I Think I Need to Do the More I Actually Need to Pull Back and Take Refuge in God Because Then He's Going to Be the One He Says Yes This Now You Know Me to Do That. Yes, You Can Say Yes to That Because That's Something of Me, but Know All of These Requests. Those Are All to Make You Feel Better.
Those Are All about Control, and You Know I'm Thinking of That Woman That's Been Listening and She Say I'm Living in This. This Is Where I'm at. But How Do I Step Back and Hear the Voice of God in My Life to Say Yes This Know That Understandable You Flip It so You're Saying It Is If You Can Do This, Which I Know You Can.
But How Does That Woman Who's Been Struggling with That Do This.
What Help Can You Give Her It's Simple but Not Easy That We Pars Has Time with God Stillness Study Silence Really Taking Time to Hear His Voice and Live That Examined Life That We Don't Have a Knee-Jerk Yes to Everything That We Go to God First and Seek That Refuge That Sherry Talked about so so Good Man Image Sure the Time Is Formed by That Usually Means We've Enjoyed Our Conversation Together and I Think This Is Such Good Help for the Broken Hearted Woman Who's Just Been so Rough and Tough on Herself and I Hope You'll Get a Copy of the Book. In Fact Connect with Focus On The Family Give Us a Call Go to the Website. If You Can Make a Gift of Any Amount Will Send You a Copy of Any Insurer's Book XL As Our Way of Saying Thank You Mattel You Know. Knowing These Two Women.
The Fact That They Poured Their Heart into This Great Book If You Can Afford It, Just Get a Hold of Us Will Find a Way to Cover the Cost of That They're Going to Be Others. Supporters Heard Focus That Want to Do That for You, so Don't Hold Back. This Is a Great Tool to Give You the Help You Need to Get to a Better Place and That's What Were about Her Focus or Phone Call Away.
Her Number Is 800 the Letter a in the Word Family 800-232-6459 Were Stop by the Website to Get Your Copy of Exhale Lose Who You're Not Love Who You Are. Live Your One Life Well Written by Her Guests, Amy, Carol and Sherry Gregory. The Link Is in the Episode Notes Amy and Sherry, Thank You so Much for Bring Back Your Focus Is Been Great Day.
I Thank You for Joining Us What You Back on Monday after a Weekend with Your Family and Your Church for As Well Be Hearing from Dr. David Anderson Will Offer Some Encouraging Insights about How We Can All Bridge the Racial Divide by Which You Which Is Jim Daly and the Entire Team. Thanks for Joining Us Today for Focus On The Family See Her Next Time Is Once More Help You and Your Family Thrive. The Seasons of Your Life Are Always Moving Forward, Marriage, Parenting, Aging Well, and through It All. Focus On The Family Is Alongside You. With Encouragement from a Biblical Perspective and Now We Have a Tool That Gathers Our Trust and Guidance and Support Together in One Place.
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