Welcome to another Best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family, in which we have some help for navigating the teen years. And I just laid my head on the pillow that night, and I was just crying, and I said, Lord, get me out of the way so that I am not the obstacle to him hearing your voice.
Because that's really what he needed. Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller. John, when you first become a parent, you envision having a close-knit relationship with your children as they get older. You picture deep talks you'll have with them about God and relationships, and then the teen years hit. And not so often, it's hard to maybe even get along, let alone have that meaningful conversation.
Yeah, you've mentioned the one-syllable responses we can often get. A lot of families experience at least some turbulence during those adolescent years, whether it's a conflict over the rules or navigating teenage mood swings. And fortunately, most of that's behind us for our six kids, and we've survived. And I just want to say to parents, you can too.
Well, teenagers are great at pushing those buttons, and it's hard to show grace sometimes. If this is you or the teen years are coming up around the corner, we have some really practical help for you. Today, we'll be revisiting a conversation we had with Connie Albers, which was one of our most popular broadcasts this year. She covered some important groundwork all about connecting with your children during the ups and downs of the teen years. And Connie's book is called Parenting Beyond the Rules, Raising Teens with Confidence and Joy.
And you can get your copy when you call 800-A-FAMILY or click the link in the episode notes. And here's how that conversation with Connie Albers began on this Best of 2020 episode of Focus on the Family. Connie, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thank you so much for having me.
It's a delight to be with you. Are you kidding? We're desperate. We needed you. Hey, in this culture, right? It's really good to have you here, Connie. We've got 14 questions we want to ask you. Well, we have a lot to talk about. No kidding. But let's start with the title, Parenting Beyond the Rules.
OK, some are going, finally, that sounds so good. And then others, maybe some dads. What? How can you parent without rules? But you're not saying that. So describe what you're saying there. Parenting beyond the rules. Right. You know, I do get that. Does that mean, Connie, that you don't have any rules?
Please, because that would be a lot easier. It's like, no, it's not that we don't have rules, limits and boundaries. We do have rules, limits and boundaries. However, the goal is to raise children who want to have a relationship with us.
Why do we miss that? We talk about that a lot on the program now. I think Christian households, when we have, I mean, Ph.D. therapists in here and we're talking about this, it's one thing to believe that. It's another thing to do it.
Yeah. Living it out is hard. Part of it is control. I mean, when the children are younger, what do we do? We tell them exactly what we're going to do, when we're going to do it, how we're going to do it. But then all of a sudden, they don't want to do it like that anymore. You make them French toast for breakfast, their favorite meal, and they wake up and they go, I don't like French toast, but that's your favorite meal. I don't like it. And you're sitting there thinking, what is going on?
I made your favorite thing. You're so ungrateful and you end up into this power and control. And it's not about control.
It's just about I think you said it earlier, John, you said you want to be 16 year old. They want to grow up. And they're sometimes thrashing and flailing around, like you mentioned the whitewater. I just view it as, you know, everybody's in the boat and you're paddling as hard as you can. And some of them want to jump out and the others fall out. But we're still trying to reach them and throw them back in the boat. So that we can get there. Yeah, that's so that's the whole purpose is I really want parents to have a relationship and realize that we make the rules, the limits and the boundaries. We can adjust them.
Yeah, that's fair. You had a vision for your children before they were teenagers. How did that vision casting go when they entered the teen years? Oh, it went well and largely because I became a student of my children. I talk about that in the book where you have to know the child that you have. I have a left brain and a right brain. Some people, you know, that's the logical sequential.
And then I have the artistic child. Talking to them has to be very different. And I just started realizing I speak to one in one way and I speak to another in another way. Not because they're not capable of understanding, but because they're trying to. Yes, I'm trying to get them to hear the words that I'm saying and not make this into a power struggle, a control thing. And that's the whole point of it. Yeah. One of the challenges there can be, you know, again, one of your children may line up very good with your natural communication style as a parent.
So that seems to be really easy. Johnny always gets it. But Betty, you know, I struggle with Betty. I don't know her language. So it's really good to become a student, but speak to that that need even more deeply. Because I think also what happens in that relationship is you can get irritated because you're not speaking the same language, even though you're both speaking the language. Right.
Right. You know, when we do go and approach our children and we think about it, one of the most important factors is knowing the why. What's the objective? What's the goal? What's the outcome that you're trying to go for?
When you talked about eye vision cast for my family, I call it and the cover of the book, for those that haven't seen it, it's a paintbrush with paint swaths and different colors on it. And that's very symbolic of the whole we've got to paint pictures of possibilities for our children. And I hear some parents say, forget the whole possibilities. Just, you know, live in the where. You just want to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Well, yeah, right.
If we could do that. But, you know, it's more than that. When you paint a picture of possibility of what your family can look like, when the children don't have to come home and they start to see you're on their side, you're their greatest cheerleader, they're less likely to resist. And when you paint a picture of possibilities for the kids and you're casting that vision, all of a sudden they start to view you in a different light. Not that you're not mom and dad and you still, you know, lay down the law, but that you're a person who's got their best interest at heart.
Yeah, let me let me push on this a bit. That cheerleading comment is an interesting one to me. Is cheerleading freely given or is it earned? Oh, absolutely not earned.
It's freely given. OK, I just want to make sure parents are hearing that because, again, temperaments play into this. Some parents are wired a different way and you're going to get my cheers when you earn my cheers.
Otherwise it feels artificial. That becomes a very conditional environment that your kids all of a sudden learn, if I dance the right way, then mom and dad or mom or dad like me or love me. And that the child that's given toward people pleasing, those become the children that are easiest to raise because they know exactly what the standard is and they know what to say and how to say it. But the child who is more of your adventurer, your risk taker, your leader, and see strong willed, I just think that's a future leader who just needs to be.
No, I agree with that. And so when we when we think about how we're working with them in that capacity, I have to step back and say to the mom and dad, if you know why you're doing it and where you're going, which hence the vision casting, I tell parents that when you're sitting there and you're thinking about in your own mind, where are you trying to go? Like, I did not come from a great upbringing. So for me, I did not want to repeat history. It wasn't that I love my family.
It's just that I knew there had to be a better way. But hang on, because you had an awareness there. And some people with their childhood and the things they learn in their family of origin, there's not that awareness. And actually, they can tend to repeat the errors of their father. That is true. And so you're stricter, you're harsher, you're and that's what you learned growing up.
So I mean, this is a really important point. You have to break those generational sins. You do. And take them captive so you're not ending up in the same boat you were as a 13, 14 year old. Right.
Speak to that. Well, when I write in the book, I talk about the different parenting styles. Back in the day, it used to be the permissive parent and the authoritative parent.
Do as I say. And for those, again, those children that are real compliant children and they just they don't like getting in trouble. They'll do exactly what you tell them to do. And they think I'm the favorite child. And sometimes they can kind of be that way just because they aren't causing you trouble. But the child who who necessarily isn't doing that can unfortunately feel unloved. Because going back to your comment about conditional love, you know, God loves us.
Right. Even while we are yet sinners, God still loves us. And therefore, we love our children. They are formed, fashioned and created in his image, and he has given them to us to teach, train and mold and the way they should go. So when we talk about breaking generational curse or the sin pattern or my dad used to raise me like this or my mom was like this.
No, we have to say, you know what? God gave me to teach and train you in the way you should go. So that means I need to know who you are.
But we can't do that unless we first know ourselves. That's right. Proverbs four twenty three is important to you.
Let's read it and then tell me why. Yes, because, you know, scripture says keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the spring of life. Right. And that if you go further in that passage, it does talk about how while we are sinners, Christ loved us. When you are looking at what's coming out of your children and I don't want to segue off this topic because it is the core of everything. As your child starts to grow and mature, we have to change and adjust.
But sometimes we don't think we're allowed to do that. And I'm in the book, I'm giving parents permission. It's OK. OK, how did that work in your life where you were struggling with one of your kids?
You don't have to name that child. I know that as a mother of five, you can be assured there were struggles with each of them at different points along the way. And it kind of came back to some trial and error on my part. But then I started looking at, you know, God loves you. I need to love you. If I do a merit based love and performance, then you're going to grow up thinking that's the way God is and that isn't how God is. So how did that play out?
Give me a specific example. Oh, my goodness. I'm pressing you. You are pressing me.
You're dodging the bullet. I'm trying to think which child do I talk about that with. Just think of one. OK, so with Paul, it got to be a point with my oldest son. He had just turned 15.
He was a compliant child. He made me think I was an amazing mother. Have you all ever had those children? That was our first. I had one. Easy enough. We're great parents. If you have that one first, you're in trouble. I know.
That's true. Because number two wasn't like that. I stood in the hallway one day in tears saying, God, please help me love her.
I mean, help me understand her because she was a real challenge because I'm not artistic. But I remember talking to my husband about this, and I said he was pushing back and pushing back, and he wanted to grow up to what you were saying, John. He just wanted to grow up. But I didn't know how to let that happen. And my husband said, you've got to get out of the way. You've got to step back and let God take over. But what kind of response did you have to that comment?
I laid my head on the pillow. Because all those guys are going, OK, I've done that. Yeah, guys. So I looked at my husband, and I said, true story. I said, you want me to get out of the way and let a holy God rain down on him to bring him back? And he's like, yes. And I'm like, I can't do that. So what was your issue with that?
Yeah, why not? Well, because God's a holy God. And when we cross a line and we know that God can really bring a lot on somebody to bring him back to himself, right?
And I just laid my head on the pillow that night, and I was just crying. And I said, Lord, get me out of the way so that I am not the obstacle to him hearing your voice. Because that's really what he needed.
He needed to hear the voice of the Lord. And I promise this happened in May, that particular year. It happened in May. I remember it. I can't even tell you how many pillowcases that were saturated with mascara because I would cry myself to sleep thinking I was ruining them. Or I would cry because of what I said that I shouldn't have said or what I should have said that I was afraid to say because I was afraid I'd ruin them or that maybe they would reject me or maybe they wouldn't love me. But I remember so clearly, because two months later at 1 a.m. in the morning, the phone rang, and he was calling his dad, and he was broken.
And I just wept. And I realized sometimes we have to get out of the way because God is trying to do a work in their life, and we can sometimes be a stumbling block to that. You're listening to one of our Best of 2020 broadcasts on Focus on the Family. Our guest is Connie Albers, and her book is Parenting Beyond the Rules, Raising Teens with Confidence and Joy.
And to get your copy of the book or our entire Best of programming, click on the episode notes or call 800 the letter A and the word family. Connie, in your book, Parenting Beyond the Rules, you mentioned the importance of listening. And you actually this really challenged me because you said most parents score themselves much higher than they should when it comes to their listening skills.
You know, oh, yeah, I give myself an A and your teenager probably give you a D or an F. So how do we get closer to reality and understanding where we might have a deficit? Ask them. Just ask them. Don't be afraid to ask them. And the answer that you might get from them is very different. And you've got to be receptive to what they say.
And then you've got to take that internally process that and ask yourself some self-reflective questions. Am I listening to learn or am I listening to correct? Am I listening just to kind of appease them? Am I fully present and engaged in hearing what they're saying? Am I looking past what the words they're saying so that I can hear the heart and the motive because unfortunately, teenagers, they're just not always very articulate at what's really going on inside of them. Well, the parents union in me is standing up. Let me represent all parents.
And what they'll say is what I feel sometimes is that, you know, I'm in it. I'm listening. But how was your day? Fine. How'd you do at school today? Great.
How's your friendships? Good. I mean, it's that kind of thing. I know. I hate those one word answers.
And you're all in. Your ears are as big as, you know, any elephant. And yet you're not getting the conversation that you're hoping for. Right. And to answer your question, but you want to talk to them and they're going fine. I talk about how to ask the right questions at the right time. Are they preoccupied with something? Don't ask the one word questions.
We can do that to our spouse where our husbands come. For me, I'll ask my husband when he comes in. How was your day? Fine.
How did you do it? Such and such. It went well. Well, that can happen just a normal conversation. Sure. But if we ask more specifics and I give some of these in the book, I often say to parents when you're going to ask questions and you want to get them talking, ask them questions that relate to their friends. Not just upfront.
Right. Just say, hey, I know your friend such and such was struggling in math. How are they doing? Or did your friends that were fighting, did they get that resolved? And they'll just tell you all about it, which is wonderful. Then you segue into how did you respond?
Were you able to say anything to them? So asking the right questions at the right time, not in an affront of combative way. And I've also found, boy, when we're driving and our eyes are and we're looking at the road and they're next to us and you ask those questions, they're more likely to answer you because they can't see your eyes dilate or constrict and they can't see how your face reacts and you can't see theirs.
So those late evening times when they're going to bed and it's dimly lit in their room and you're asking them, you know, teens have this private world and they will only let those that they really trust, that's safe to enter into that. And so that's why listening is so important and we talk about being available. We have to be available.
Let's face it. We're an extremely busy society. All of us have multiple things going on. We have our own problems going on in our own lives and we're distracted.
We're trying to make the budget work and we're trying to work out our insurance plan and figure out who needs braces and all of those things. But when we start to say, you know, listening is key to the heart. Once I have their heart, I have influence. It's important, though, I want to jump in and clarify something because this to me is a I can get going. Well, it's a profound statement, though, because you said the goal of listening is to learn about your team, not what you can do for them. Yeah.
The problem solving that we so quickly go to. That's really critical. Can I share a story?
Absolutely. I write about this in the book. I kind of learned from I learned how important this was from one of my daughters. She loves to talk and she would always talk with me. And I would notice that she would get frustrated with me more often as the time went on. And one day we were driving and I said something and she just got so upset. And she said, Mom, stop interrupting me. And I just stopped. And I said, I'm not interrupting you, sweetie.
I'm just trying to get more information. And she goes, No, I don't want you to fix my problem. I just want you to listen.
Boy, you better bet from that moment on, I learned she just needed a sounding board. What we have to remember, Mom and Dad, is our children already know what we believe. They know our values. They know how we're going to respond.
We know how the three step plan of how we would fix it. No, no, no. I need another lecture. Yeah, right.
I was a world my kids would say I was a world class lecturer. I would tell them from 16 different perspectives because I wasn't quite sure which one they would understand. And you keep going until they give you some sort of signal that, yeah, I got that.
Yeah. And as they get older, it's usually after the first one is like, got it, Mom. But you know, when we when we stop and there are hindrances to getting your kids to talk to you.
And that is if we're too busy, if we're too busy, you know, our children. I did not realize this when I was writing the book. My kids came in and told me one time because I, you know, I had to vet them. It is, you know, part of their story. I don't talk about their fails. I talk about my mom fails, but they told me that they could always tell if it was a good time to talk to me. By the way, I was cutting carrots in the kitchen. I can so clearly see that and I don't know if you're having a bad day. My general rule of thumb is never argue with a woman holding a sharp knife.
Well, I'd say anybody. That's so true. So, you know, are you giving off the vibe that you're approachable, that you're available? Do they know that you're not immediately going to overreact or disapprove? That's so key. They want to know that what they want to say to you, you're going to hear it without the immediate reaction. And sometimes that, and I'll give you all a tip what I used to do, and we may end up having a lot of families like this, but when I was really trying to process something, I would just start humming because it kept me from speaking. Oh, wow. So they knew if mom was humming, it's probably because she was processing something.
That's amazing. Don't talk at them. They're just little adults in the process. Talk to them and with them. And the other is don't be so quick to correct.
Ask them, how would you solve that? And these are good tips that are all in the book and I want people to get a copy, obviously. We've got a couple of minutes here. I want to mention something that is kind of in this same area, but I want to make sure we punch it. If I could say it that way, that parents need to squash their fear.
Now, I think men and women may have a different perception as to what you mean, but I would love to know. Well, tell me what you mean. You go first. Okay. We often get afraid that we're going to ruin them, that we're not doing enough, that our children are going to reject us, that our children are going to reject the Lord, that our children are going to listen to the peers more than us. And we're trying to figure out how do we do this without being confident and bold. And so that's why I say we've got to squash the fear because God has given you these children to teach and train, as I mentioned earlier. But what do we replace the fear with to help us get to that goal?
Okay. So we replace the fear with the truth. We squash out the doubt and the worry, and we replace the fact that we know we're working on building a relationship, and we know that we're communicating to our child that I am your greatest cheerleader, that you can trust me, that you belong in this family, that your identity is found in us and not in others. I mean, first in the Lord, but in our family units, this is where you fit. This is where we get you. Even though sometimes we don't get you, this is the safe place for you to thrash around and figure it out and not get it right. And so when we talk about fear, don't be afraid if your kids are going to hurt or harm your reputation. It's not about your reputation, and it's not about your children embarrassing you.
They might. You're going for something bigger. This is just a season, and in a few short years, you're going to be out of this season. Well, in fact, you had a powerful story about a young, successful man you met who experienced a lot of conflict with his parents in the teen years. What's his story? That changed my parenting. That changed the trajectory of my parenting.
It was so powerful. He was a very successful man, and he made several comments during a presentation I heard, and I went up to him and I asked him more about this story. And he just said, everything I did was viewed as rebellion.
My parents wanted me inside this nicely fit box of these were the rules, these are the limits, these are the boundaries. And he was an adventurer. He's a risk taker.
He's a leader. He's an entrepreneur, and it didn't fit within their parameters. So every time he stepped out of that, he got smacked back, and I don't mean physically smacked back, but verbally, he would get pushed back. He would get in trouble. He would get grounded. He'd get privileges taken away. And basically, the spirit of who he was was being squelched. And the sad reality is he would try to explain, and it kind of goes back to listening. He would explain to him, no, I'm not trying to do this. I'm just trying to be me.
And I'm not you. And they wouldn't hear of it. And sadly, to this day, and this was many, many years ago, the relationship was so badly damaged because the parents were so concerned that he fit into the box that was constructed that how their family was supposed to be like, we would always say, we're the Albers family, and this is what we do. And if we heard that, right, and and my kids to this day, they take pride in that. But not because everybody has to think and act and do the same thing.
We celebrate the differences. And I do talk about this. And if I have a minute, how did I squash the fear? It's because I went to the child and I knew my artistic child is going to create beauty to the world in a way that only she can create it. And my son is going is an engineer, he's logical and sequential. And God has a unique path and purpose for his life.
And when I started to embrace the person that they were, I let go of the fear. Because ultimately, Jim, they're God's kids, right? Because the bottom line is your children are a masterpiece. And as a masterpiece, it takes different paint strokes and colors and brushes. And sometimes it doesn't look right.
And you have to take a bigger brush stroke with a different color and paint over that. And that's forgiveness and unconditional love. And that's tempering the words that you say and monitoring your mouth so that the words that come out of your mouth land into a tender place of their heart. That is so good. And I said, when I looked at that book, and I thought, God is the architect. He's got a masterpiece.
When we consult with him, we are able to paint the masterpiece that he has for them so that they can step into the next season of their life and honor and glorify the Lord. Yeah. And by the way, this has been terrific, and I think every mom certainly, and many dads just heard that story and went, yes, that is the goal. And that concludes another Best of 2020 broadcast from Focus on the Family today, featuring Connie Albers about her book, Parenting Beyond the Rules, Raising Teens with Confidence and Joy.
Well, there are many topics we didn't have time to cover in this conversation. So I want to recommend you get a copy of Connie's book. It has more advice to help you build a solid relationship with your teenager.
And I think it'll encourage you to trust God in your journey. And we'd like to send a copy of Connie's book, Parenting Beyond the Rules, Raising Teens with Confidence and Joy. Just make a donation of any amount to Focus on the Family today. Sending that book is our way of saying thank you for partnering with us to equip parents and help build thriving families. Your support is critical as we prepare for a new year of helping families.
Please donate today. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family. Or you can donate and get your copy of Parenting Beyond the Rules, Raising Teens with Confidence and Joy. Again, that's 800, the letter A in the word family. Or donate online and get the book.
The links are in the episode notes. And it might be that you've never taken our free parenting assessment. This is something that tens of thousands of parents have taken. It's really helpful. It takes just a few minutes and it'll give you an overview of what's working well in your role as a mom or a dad and maybe one or two ways that you can improve that relationship, especially with your teenager.
Just visit the episode notes for the link to that assessment. And coming up next time, Dr. Kevin Lehman will encourage you to celebrate the new year by allowing God to help you overcome your imperfections. But that God who spoke this universe into existence is the God that we worship this morning. And whatever your storm in life is, He is able, through His grace, to meet you where you're at today. For now, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
