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How to Have a Better Sex Life by Understanding Your Love Style (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly
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December 4, 2020 5:00 am

How to Have a Better Sex Life by Understanding Your Love Style (Part 2 of 2)

Focus on the Family / Jim Daly

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December 4, 2020 5:00 am

Counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich outline the four basic attachment styles in terms of how each approaches marital intimacy and describe how the healing of your style can help overcome barriers to physical intimacy. (Part 2 of 2) (Original air date: Feb. 14, 2020)

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I would really bring everyone here in the aftermath that like every day when I struggle it was hard to breathe.

Sometimes they would hide the dysfunction day-to-day and it was so lonely when Carrie learned of her husband's affair. She felt betrayed by God. She lost hope until she heard a Focus on the Family podcast it over and over again.

It felt like sitting down with a friend who went like at any moment in the end it anywhere wrote me in a Good Way, Jim Daly working together we can feel more broken marriages like Karis and give families hope, please call 800. The A in the word family. That's 800 a family or donate a in your gift will be double today on Focus on the Family.

We have another best of 2020 broadcast to share with you and last time we featured a conversation that was recorded earlier this year with Mylan and Katie are kept in touch about physical intimacy and marriage and obviously this is a topic not suitable for younger listeners out here so Mylan made a powerful observation last time about his relationship with KI had to learn to take very hard look at myself, what was my orientation toward sexuality. I had to face my reality how the world had shaped me how the culture had shaped me and I would have to say that through my adolescent years and through my college.

My first two years of marriage.

Sexuality was out of proportion in my head. It was a place where it had too much dominance and priority of thought and then that was not fair that in our relationship. Here right because sexuality had this very high tension level. My mind, but then when K was expected to try to keep up with. It was not fair. The good news is that your coverages were able to work through those issues and you hear more of their story today I'm John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly John this conversation we had with Mylan case. Part of the collection of best broadcasts from this year and I really recommend our listeners go to the website to learn more about these outstanding programs and these are measured by your response. This collection include some great encouragement from Connie Albers about better ways to connect with your teenager. Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Bob Paul from our help restore team. They talked about lies that can destroy your marriage… I shared some tips on getting rid of the clutter in your home that seems to be one of those themes that can be around you. Definitely all of these are great programs with top-notch guests and I know you'll benefit from reviewing this content again and again. In fact, you may want to share with some friends or with your church and you can learn more about our best of 2020 collection in the episode notes. Let's go ahead and return part two of her conversation with your commissions welcome Mylan Québec to Focus on the Family to have you with us. I love talking to you because you couples your estimate how many couples have you helped over the years. I mean thousands upon thousands well in our offices, as well as in our speaking and in our workshops we encounter thousands of year. The point of missing that is you have a database. It's pretty rich and you can see these life issues pulling out.

You can apply these brilliant insights that you have discovered through reading God's word and applying what you've learned in counseling to help couples do better job, particularly in their physical intimacy but that we've talked about these lifestyles let's for the new listeners that didn't hear us yesterday. Let's pick it up for them and quickly define those lifestyles again how they apply to physical intimacy and they will get in more to your story.

So who can take a run at the love styles that start with the of waiter that was my style and the waiter is comes from a family. There was a lack of emotional connection, a lack of vulnerability. So some of the issues and marriage for both males and females who are for waiters is that they don't really connect on any sort of an emotional level. They engage in sex as an act or something you do, but it's not very personal obligation may maybe for the woman. It's more obligation and its for the man. I think they tend to objectify women because they know they're not really taught to see the whole person connect. They don't connect to the emotional side right next pleasers are fearful and because there was a something that scared them in their early attachment experience. They want to keep everybody close and because of your close then I feel safe and so there's a problem with that because I don't give you distance or I don't ask what do you want to write.

Don't ask what are your needs. I'm not can ask you where you're at, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, but if I'm anxious of them a pleaser. I will often want to initiate sex because it creates closeness and makes my anxiety sort of dissolve and go away.

So it's a disingenuous way of connecting the female pleaser. They will have hard time saying no and they could be emotionally incongruent with sexuality, but they won't have the ability to say no because you mentioned earlier K they lack boundaries. They lack the ability to resist a lack an adult voice and so they will have a hard time with their spouses was have sex. They won't say no worse if their spouses. Let's do something that God says not to do. They will have a hard time saying no and a lot of pleaser.

Wives especially get find themselves in situations that are very much against God's word and up because they have the inability to resist, which is the same as the victim. By the way, is that right yeah yeah EN I want you for the two types that you were and when I say type finding that family more nightly as the wounds that you encountered. Let's dig into that to give the listener an idea of how they can look at their own lives and how they grew up.

To apply, so you've experienced since you brought it in your marriage. You touched on it last time. Again, if you haven't heard yesterday's broadcast I get a hold of us will get it to download the Focus on the Family app or come to the Focus on the Family website for that but my let's start with you is that pleaser what was going on. Your family of origin that created the pleaser mentality in your life and then how you brought that into the marriage.

Let's get right into it. I had a very angry parent who was angry and it was anger that was a surprise it was anger that had I had no way to predict it. I did know when it was going to happen. It was just a blow up what occurred was it emotional anger, not physical abuse.

It was emotional but it was rage it was.

It was words and it was rage and anger and sometimes highly combative with people you know in public or in a store and I was continually anxious and not knowing when this was going to occur because I was just getting dragged along. I'm a little get right now. Are you at this point will I'm 4567. Learning how to cope. I'm anxious to. I never known this bombs going to go off and so I am always tense and hypervigilant time watching them trying to figure out what's going on.

I'm looking for clues and signs. If there is difficulty in my home race since there's a storm coming. I don't go out to play. I stay inside to try to monitor what's happening inside. And so that's how you develop this idea that if you're okay then I'm okay because if if the home is tranquil in your smiling. Then I can smile because him and to be safe right now so that grew up with me and I carried that into my adolescence and into adulthood and unbeknownst to me that early patterning that early in printing carried forward into my relationship with K and so if she was okay. Then I was okay if she was quiet.

That reminded me of the call before the storm okay and I would think something was wrong. She's also an introvert so that added to the July communication was that she was more quiet, but quietness of her was very unnerving to me.

So it set up a chasing. Are you sure you're okay. Is everything alright did I do anything wrong so that's how I started off in life and marriage expose that that was still with me. You know Mylan, I appreciate your vulnerability with that. In fact it in the resources the book you mentioned you have this evening and I don't know where in your life stages occurred. But even having use of pornography. Yet as part of your journey. You know, again, for people. When we look at pornography. Particularly, we have a lot of resources on Pinard and I don't want to bog down on this but I want to apply this principle that there are reasons that people are medicating with it and it it isn't healthy yet. Some estimate 60 to 70% of people in the church may be using. However, so speak to that addiction that you had and then you know how it how you got control of that and and why you got control anxiety was at the root of why I found escapism and sexual thought when we are anxious when we have agitated feelings and emotions, and we feel upset inside. We have all these difficult feelings and emotions that are inside each of our minds and bodies and were ruminating or were scared were looking for escapes and so sex is a very convenient escape.

As a matter fact it's the number one escape for men right to go to its number one go to for men as a place to escape and for a little bit of time not to feel those anxious thoughts. So as a child is an adolescent sexual thought and sexual fantasy was a place of escape to literally get away from the bad feelings and have a sense of capacity to make them go away for little while. He gave me a sense of control that can make this agitation go away for a little while. I didn't realize as a child and as an adolescent, that it wasn't God's will for my life. But the apostle Paul said, you know, when I was a child I used to think as a child, reason as a child and speak as a child but when I became an adult. I had to put off the childish ways and become an adult and start stepping into an adult mentality.

In reality, if you and your spouse are dealing with any of the marital concerns that we've been discussing today. Please let us know. Get in touch and let us be of help to you Focus on the Family counseling team can be a great starting point to assist you in taking some steps toward healing and rescuing. Perhaps your marriage just a phone call away.

The numbers 800 K in the word family call will schedule a time for one of our counselors to call you back be happy to have an initial consultation with you and I would recommend that you peruse our entire best of 2020. Collection of broadcast this conversation with your convictions is just one example of the great programs addressing marriage, parenting and your faith.

Check out the entire collection in the episode notes.

Alright, let's go ahead and continue now with this best of presentation featuring Mylan and Katie are coming at KM coming to just a minute so get ready but Mylan did that addiction come into your marriage and for how long in your marriage was that happening. Well, as happens with many places of escape. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise, food, over eating under reading all these things develop. Because we have anxiety on the inside and just depression and we want to make all go away.

And of course it carried with me into marriage and I didn't know it was there. I couldn't even I would've told you Jim and John that that I was an anxious person I would. I didn't think that way. All I knew is I felt agitated a lot and I exercise like crazy and so I carried it into marriage and of course with the sexual appetite that all call voracious obese yesterday, which I love that vision of yeah there was a sexual obesity because I over felt something, and then I come into marriage and all of a sudden it puts a massive strain on our relationship think that in the context of God's design for marriage.

What you just described. There is a lot of dysfunction coming in, got expose that through your relationship with K and then you begin to heal you and that is the way God intends this.

That's very true but it took some time yesterday you said was €15 a year. Well, it was because this let's call it sexual obesity. I think that's a good word. I had no idea I was nearing a sexually obese man, but the pressure in the frequency of his desire.

I felt I couldn't keep up with and I didn't understand. I just thought will. This is just normal. So I must be broken and I prayed and prayed, God, help me want sex as much as my husband. That's an God never did answer that prayer right because I'm not a man right and I think you know over time he probably the first honest conversation he had with me was that he was driving in a car memorizing Scripture, and what was the verse that you saw I was memorizing verses and the verse was bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and I took this little stack of memory verses.

I know exactly where I was on the freeway orange county Los Angeles area and I took the stack of cards and I threw it against the car window on the opposite sign is that God you know it's talking I can't do that. All that I love that God you that I said you don't know what you talk about I'm supposed to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. You're kidding if he knew her as mindless because I knew were my mind what we had this little unusual moment of honesty where he told me about that and he said I think my mind's kind of out of control and I'm in a try and learn to control it and put my focus totally on you which panicked me because I couldn't keep up with this focus already so I tried to be the good Christian wife and I got a lot of Christian counseling. Don't deprive your husband and you know, so I had. I just kept trying to keep up with this frequency and by year 15, I was resentful and I did like sex and I wrote them a very honest letter saying I can't do this anymore. I would something has to change because I can't keep up with you and I don't I don't feel like I have a voice. I feel like if I say no you get upset. Something has to change. What was your expectation of what the change would be. I am what I had no idea just something different. It was just all starting with an honest conversation and I didn't even have the real courage to say it out loud. I wrote in a letter and gave him the letter. While and sat there while he read it now. Let let's pause there.

I want to come back to this, but let's K go to your story. Because let's talk about why you responding this way. I mean, this is really interesting stuff and we all play a role.

You might see yourself in Kay's position or in Mylan's position, but K what was your family like what were you dealing with and why would you give a letter to Mylan rather than talking to.

I had no sex education for my family. My dad was an alcoholic. He had a very womanizing type personality and he divorced when I was my mom and I was 17 so and then there was just there was really very little relationship ever but that really cut off any relationship you just sort of got a new family. And that was the end of the first family know when you say it that way feels like you expected it like it is a 1617. You know now you know my parents never finally it was a shock is a perfect example of a marriage where they swept everything under the rug and then one person just might find my dad said I'm outta here, so is actually a shock but it made me very distrustful of men. And so I think there was that distressed coming into my marriage and then when I felt so overwhelmed by the amount of neediness for our the frequency level that he was desiring.

I tried to be the good Christian wife, but I lack the voice I lack the ability to really say no and make it stack and so over time I just you know there were times I would cry after sex and he didn't even know it because we didn't have an honest relationship so honesty was the first step and I think that was very hard not that one came from my family to because we never had deep talks about anything.

I think if we had had more real talks in my family, and a level of honesty I would've been able to see my my internal struggle a lot sooner so was a very scary time for us because we knew something was very broken but we didn't know how it was going to look to fix it. Okay so you now at this point where you have this 15 year marriage that's hanging by a thread. Basically because of the intimacy issue and you hand him a letter. What happens next week. We prayed a really brave prayer we sent you know God we we know that something is broken. We have this dance we do that we can't, you know he's always chasing me and asking I might find I'm always saying yeah I'm fine when he Asked me that. So there was something broken and we just said we you show us what what's at the root of that's we don't understand how how to fix it and I can look back now and say we were missing emotional connection in every way. Neither one of us came from homes where we knew how to be honest, how to resolve conflict.

We didn't observe family.

Neither one of us had families who taught us how to listen well, who taught us how to notice hurts and repair hurts so we were like starting off as really great school kids from having to learn emotional connection with the very first thing that we did is we got a feeling word list and we just started having conversations that included feelings and I really didn't even know what my feelings were I have to look on the list of paper and then make my first best guess because I didn't have a language for emotions so I would say in hindsight, God started to teach us about the whole subject of emotional connection and then he brought in this whole subject of attachment and the wounds of attachment and that's where every all the lights went on, because I realized will no wonder I'm struggling sexually and avoid her. I didn't come from an affectionate home. I don't how to emotionally connect.

I don't know how to say what I want. I don't even know what I need. No wonder I'm struggling so when you look at your 15 now in your 46 describe the differences. While that is the proof in the pudding 08 think it could make me teary because I didn't dreamed that you could have a relationship like this.

My husband gave me everything my parents.

He will learn to give me the things my parents never could he learn to comfort me.

I learned to let him hold me while I cried. He learn to let me hold him while he cried. We we learn to delve into each other's stories when I heard about his childhood memories which I never really taken the time to listen to up to the 15 year mark.

It turned my heart towards compassion. I mean the things that irritated me the most.

Had a big old wound sitting on drum and when I realized how anxious he was as a child despite the will know if he asked me if thousand times a week. How I am and so I think we realized that understanding each other's histories was key and really knowing the person you're married to Eileen. I asked the Lord.

I have to see this woman in a different way, which is at least 15 year mark. This is, I said there's a frustration and I'm somehow I just thought of this is walking down the street and when the street lamps flickered and went out and I said I'm doing that okay I am flickering her light out and it's going to go out there something wrong with how I'm seeing her in the stress on putting her under Lord help me to see her in a different way than one of the most profound answers to prayer of ever had. Within an hour I was driving on the freeway and I had to go do something. I was driving back home and all of a sudden I have this picture in my head of this little seven-year-old girl sitting on the end of the bed by yourself staring at the ground and nobody talking to her and her very alone and nobody connect with her and ask her how are you what's going on inside to system alone little girl and I said to her I said I see the little you and it was a turning point in my relationship with K and I came home and I told you. Remember what I said oh yeah I said I see the little girl and you and he told me that she scares me to death and I said well she scares me to death to self why we try and figure out what to do with this little girl what I said was I want to get to know and I want to help her grow up while that's kind of what we did help each other grow up. Okay, that emotion you just gave us the over those many years of doing it better and better. Hopefully year-by-year the intimacy that you feel today was well worth the trouble of discipling yourself as you mentioned the other day deserting out the gym is just plain lazy and working yourself out today K is my best friend. There's nobody else that I want, we can talk we can negotiate. We listen we provide support for each other is found nowhere else. So were not seeking because of avoid to go run to some fantasy that I think will fill me up. I'll say one more thing.

Probably the most profound thing I did that change how I felt about sex was allowing my husband hold me and grieving in his arms things that I went through as a kit. It was more vulnerable and sex how to open up my heart to tell them what the wounds were, to feel the wounds in the presence of another person, and to learn to receive comfort. That level of emotional vulnerability completely transform how I felt about sex because now sex is a representation in celebration of that level of connection. This is been so good to me in my jaws hanging down because I think so many people are going to be helped. I'm really inspired by what you said and what you've done in the resources you've created to help couples do a better job of honoring the Lord what you've really described as the way Christian marriage should appear, and what it should look like, not just on the outside but deeply on the inside and your level of satisfaction is quite a testimony of the Lord. I never even dreamed it was possible yeah this is the real deal. And this is what it should be like, and it should be attracting the world to engage Christ in that way right. Your lives are a testimony to those around you decide this is the way it should be so kosher closing thought yes Mike Mason in his book the mystery of marriage written 30 years ago uses as the key verse in Proverbs iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, and we don't think of that in marriage we don't want marriage to be a sharpening place, but if you think about sharpening involves friction and heat but has to be at the right angle in order to refine and sharpen and hone and we all like sharp objects. We hate it when we come across dull scissors are adult and I are going to hardware is like my sharpener and can I sharpened each other and we help each other literally grow up and replace the deficits from her childhood and we sharpened each other well here it is, and it's available to you running Mylan K have done a wonderful job both in their video series.

The books that they've written along with their other resources. Their study guides everything and will make that available to you here Focus on the Family I don't even understand why a couple would not want to do this and get involved in really better understand themselves.

I hope they well I hope you can inspire some people to really know that that hard work.

It was three years the benefits have been asked or not astronomical, but you have to pick your pain.

The pain of growth versus the pain of staying stuck right and we picked the pain of growth. Well said great nice to be very loving over so glad you could join us for this best of 2020 broadcast featuring Mylan and K your conviction on Focus on the Family. They have provided us with a bundle of follow-up resources that I know you're going to find helpful.

They have their book how we love which gives more detail about the different lifestyles and how they work and then Mylan K also recorded an extra audio message about the five top things you need for a healthier sex life and then finally were going to include a CD copy of this entire two-part conversation with them. When you send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today will say thank you by sending that bundle right out to you were so appreciative of your help in rescuing and strengthening marriages. Our goal here is to give more families hope as we head into the new year and your generosity plays a big part in that.

Call 800 the letter a in the word family is 800-232-6459 or check the episode notes to learn more. We hope you have a great weekend with your family and your church family as well and then plan to join us on Monday will have another best of broadcast featuring Jonathan McKee talking about raising godly son. The more we invest in them and they're going to navigate some of these conversations with you and that's where values are passed on on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ and I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just did not affix. I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive.

We offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me.

I received some great tools from the counselor said of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope today

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