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September 22, 2020 6:00 am
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Better starting question isn't what should I do to manage this behavior, but what's going on what's going on in my heart was going on. Part of my child because those are the things that really determine the end result of the discipline Lynn Jackson and her husband Jim are with us again today on Focus on the Family and your hostess focus president to Dr. Jim Daly I John four John last time we start a great conversation about parenting.
I think it touched every parents heart but was listening and I hope you today will stick with us because were to get back to some very fundamental things that will transform likely the way the parent and I think produce the outcome they are looking for Mattis to launch her children at 18 healthy and in a good place spiritually and that starts with modeling and our guests Jim and Lynn Jackson have written this wonderful book. This tool discipline that connects with your child's heart, not their seat. My life easily put that other women there will be said yes that's right.
But let me just welcome you back to focus.
Have we covered last time for concepts that you have applied that you've captured in your book. Your kids need to feel that they are safe with you as a parent that you love them no matter what is apparent in some people are already going okay strike out strike out. Don't worry work and equip you to do better and that's the key third year called and capable as you expressed to your child. God's gifting in their lives that you as a parent, recognize those wonderful attributes that they have and thenceforth that you're also responsible for consequences and you're going to bear the brunt of your decision-making.
I think that is so critical could because so many parents try to rescue their kids. I'm guilty of that at times because I want to be the hero in their lives as their dad and I know mom wants to do the same thing.
So those are the four core things we covered two of those. The first two last time and if you miss the message I get the download if you're a struggling parent. This is the kind of tool that you will need to do a better job and you'll find the book were talking about.
We got the details in the episode notes that Jim and Lynn. We signed off last time talking about slow low and listen, and that's in comparison, and I was laughing because I think the other one is that fast big and you're not listening to her and the math are large and loud. I turned my son this morning said which one fits me as really dead very authentic, safe thing to you now have a louder large but let's educate ourselves as parents in that slow low listen comes describe it yeah so fast, large and large and loud stop say that what you fat loud and large large part yeah fast.
Also slow, slow, low and listen is important because it keeps the brain, keeps a brain ready to learn fast large and loud, which brings on the defensive.
And so when our kids brains are on the defensive. All they are interested in doing is protecting themselves from whatever is fast large allowed right doesn't mean large size and means intimidating posture. Just taking up the space verbally. Whatever might well like fast is like rushing in and spewing verbal commands right now.
That's not okay large is the intimidating posture is that we get into that in a putting have ever wondered why put your hands on your hips when you're upset with your kids is like a natural inclination to loom larger and more intimidating and then the loudest from our voice raises and we want to intimidate her kids into submission so that we can get things back under control because were feeling so internally out of control. Just to reiterate, those are things you don't want to do the things that set off the fight or flight. All those things and go to slow low and listen slow is can be about taking a step backwards instead of charging in a can be just walking and slowly it can be speaking this slowly so that can pair the difference between what's going on in here or in here guys.
You know one is fast one slow the slow keeps brains relaxed so that we can engage our frontal lobes and really solve a problem with one of the helpful phrases that I learned early on that I think a lot of guys particularly would relate to is that forward progress begins with a backward step. My inclination is a dad and I recognized early on, following some of the baggage of my father. You know that I learned dad's always right dads and controlled. Don't ever mess with that. You know that's I grew up with that baggage and I brought into my family and I started acting accordingly and when I took that step forward with my hands on my hips and was fast on large and loud. I scared my kids and they would do what I wanted them to do and I thought it was working. But what I realized is my daughter particularly grew older and a little more sensitive was that she was getting more and more distance from you know she she wants in my lap anymore. If you want me to read the books to her at bed at night and I realized that when I was the kind of dad that took a backward step.
I'm a lot more for progress. Why, because when I took my backward step. I could breathe I could I could and I know for me that I would pray the quick prayer Lord, give me your wisdom here instead of my selfishness. Okay kids, what's going on here instead of what is going on here like limits and Lynn. We've got slow down. What's a good example of low and listen.
Low is about doing things with your body that calm your brain so when you sit down, put your feet up yet.
That's not the position, sitting in recliner where you're going to yell at your kids because it's a loop in your brains when I do a calming thing with my body.
It calms my brain I could get one out in real remember that very often not natural, so getting down on the floor next to your dads even just doing something physical like push-ups.
There was one mom who would go jogging with her daughter when they worked on a conflict because that was what calmed their bodies to get into shape. That way yeah for sure simply sitting below your child really has an incredibly calming effect on listen is self-evident, what with that example be self-evident, sort of, but what are inclination when kids are misbehaving is to go in and tell them what to do as opposed to ask them what's going on. What might they want to do about it right now to ask questions, ask questions open their brains and speak again when we when we pointer finger at him and tell him what to do. Brain goes fight or flight. The learning part of the brain shuts down when we ask him a question, not what you thinking, but what what are you thinking about right now.
Jim and Linda this is a struggle question because I struggled with this when you see what you don't like in your children, how much of that do you own as a parent you like how much of that is there because that's what you taught them correct well it's I think it's real. I think that's very real and I think to say and allow break some of the power of it and said confess it is sin, and to apologize for it. You know I remember again and think of lots of stories, but you know I was hard in my son for computer games and one day I decided I'm just going to sit down and learn about this computer game is to just condemn it all the time what what you like about what's good about it and the next day he went to Lynn and said, I noticed dad kinda settled down about all that instead of fighting he was fighting because I was fighting what something cool I could do with him down like that.
I felt so our kids to imitate our dysfunction, but they also imitate our function and to be able to just talk about that out loud and say it for what it is is a great gift to our kids.
I'm still thinking Jim and Lynn of of that parent that hears what you're saying in you may even believe that there applying several of these principles, but in reality, they revert back to that core control or fear perfectionism.
How do you literally how do you get yourself out of that right.
You had to have a if I could say it this way, it cannot come to Jesus when Afghan in for the person that's kind of in that gray zone still that parent that's in the gray zone they don't know some days I'm achieving it. Other days I'm falling back to my own patterns have the break falling into that pattern that they may have learned Jim to your point of their own mother and father.
How can you consistently change one is as we did we let our kids know what kind apparently wanted to be and we equip them to respectfully confront us when we weren't that that's a hassle like Jim shared yesterday of barging in and start right away to yell at the kids. Daniel was equipped to be able to respectfully confront him and say you didn't connect first because we had communicated what kind of apparently wanted to be wise and say, and then another key part of answering your question. Is that what I did. After he said that you didn't connect first so he been equipped to confront me. He confronted me in assessing all your items.
Sorry I said can I have a do over, and I literally went back into the garage. I pray Lord help me to be more the dad you want me to be this time I came in a different dabble. By the time I got to the kids all lightened up anyway and they were different kids anyway and I just was able to say to them, you know, I've had a rough day at work and I'm pretty stressed. It would be really great if I could have a little quiet time before engage with you all. If you can keep arguing like you're arguing could you take that downstairs and there like know or find out we found it's all good, and that was they were dominant and it was fine, but you'll concretely naming the kind of parents that we want to be moving forward. Not the kind of kids we want to have and then celebrating when we do that and doing the do overs that are needed in order to experience some success once in a while being that results from parents that we coach Jim and Linda, you mentioned in your book again that misbehavior is a golden opportunity for unconditional love. But that's a different way of looking at it so often when then misbehavior occurs, it's conditional love to. If you don't act this way, you not getting my affirmation.
How do we better understand that misbehavior is a golden opportunity to show the love of God through us, and how God treats us as his teenagers. Yeah well it's a great example of Romans 58 says while we were yet sinners, not while we had our act together.
God demonstrated his love toward us, and so that brings the gospel alive.
We had a woman come to our seminar, and a couple weeks later, her boy said mom why you smiling now when you discipline us when you just yeah and she said because it gives me a chance to remember how much I love you) is gonna be able to smile in the midst of discipline.
But if we can access that heart of love for kids, then it can begin to really communicate because most of the time. What happens is parents know they still love their child in that situation, but how they're acting is the same as they might act if they were, you know angry with the driver on the road and kids form conclusions about that that you love me when I do well, but not when I misbehave and so then love becomes conditional and performance-based and kids grow insecure and so these this misbehavior is is truly the golden opportunity to get that unconditional love so that kids can't miss it again they'll reflect that in their lives now and hopefully later one of the things we do with groups and workshops as we we close the section where we teach parents about the importance of love no matter what, and we invite them to close their eyes and imagine what something that you do to communicate love to your child that you do naturally that you do well, not when they're misbehaving, but just any old time. Now picture your child misbehaving and then picture yourself doing that thing that you do to express love to them when everything is fine when they're misbehaving because of our kids are to truly understand that they are loved unconditionally and got to experience messages of love when they're feeling their worst, Jim. I love that. Let's get practical though you have a story in your in your book that describes this scene perfectly. I think it was Andy, the dad and Mitch.
The sun sure there yeah not the actual name genocide ride that seemed well and he was a banker. He was in the banking industry and was a numbers guy and the high-powered Guyana get things done guy and his son Mitch was wired differently than his dad and began in about fourth grade to struggle with math and Andy would come home disappointed that my son is measuring up to my expectations and he would put parameters and put things in place, which is good to do.
It's important that kids know you can go out and play with your kids.
Do your homework is done, but what Mitch started to do was lie about doing his math because he was so discouraged about it. In order to go out and play with his friends, which is something he loved to do and course and he got wind of after the teachers and one thing led to another and he came to me for help because he's he, I've tried grounding him and I've tried keeping his friends away and I'm even thinking about: hockey and he just doesn't seem to care anymore. I said, has he heard from you at any point during your struggle with him about math, how much you love him. This is what you mean why would I say that Van and I said well I know because maybe he's not so sure about, especially in that moment that yeah so he couldn't think of anything else to do. I said you tried to sound like you've tried all your ideas while you try this one and he came back to see me. A week later with the report that he had tried in a heated deal. It is starting to ramp up the way it had ramped up and Mitch was getting upset and complaining about math and Andy was starting to feel it is years get red in his veins start to pop in his neck like always and he remembered oh yeah this is what I'm supposed to say that I love you and it so I took a step back from all of my energy and I took that breath and that said that prayer that you help me remember and I got on my NIOSH I know and I said Mitch you just need to know something here in the middle of all this math is important you know that but I want you to know some way more important. I love you no matter how math goes, this is you know this is 1/4 fifth grade young man, he just broke down in tears sobbing and jumped into daddy's arms. Why, because he didn't know until that moment that daddy loves me even when I'm struggling and that's what our kids need to know and when they misbehave. We have our greatest opportunity we could tell you story after story after story of the epiphany that happens for parents when they remember the masculine, because that line of perfection that we talked about last time. This is where the rubber meets the road because I know people listening parents right now are saying, that sounds great man.
What about performance. I mean this is a really tough world and you gotta do well, you gotta get to college, you gotta do well, you gotta create an environment where you're to be prepared to go into a vocation that will reward you. Well where is that line of of standard that you can hopefully maintain loving your child but you know what, you still gotta do well in math. I love to tell a story about this issue of grades and report cards because it really highlights the difference between the two of approaches of managing behavior and trying to get that end result and mentoring belief. So my tendency was to really push our kids and to be intense about grades and negative and we have our oldest son struggled with ADHD kinds of things and so when the grades arrived one day. The other two kids had really shiny little report cards and his was, we should say rather multicolored fishing not so shiny and so I went to Jim and said we need to talk to Daniel about his report card. As this is not okay and he had the wisdom to say, being a child who didn't didn't ever have a shiny report he had the wisdom to say I think I'd like to try something a little different than I just instantly got in touch with how micromanaging negative and critical.
I was in a sense you know what, go for it because I can tell I'm not in a good place about this suite because the kids since kids can you guess what he says we are going to have a report card party tonight to let you know that we love you, absolutely unrelated to these three sets of grades on the table and you can imagine their surprise. Well we got out the Nerf guns and ran around the house hoot and holler and we made popcorn and watch the video on. We had a blast which child do you think had the most fun.
The one who is forgiven them. That's right, the one who is forgiven. The most and then at the end of the night. We said Daniel. We should really talk about this when would you like to do that so not tonight. Well how about tomorrow.
Sure, tomorrow, and then we sat down with him and talked about his report card that you receive in the conversation and so he was probably in sixth or seventh grade 6 grade and the conversation wasn't. This is not up to your potential young man.
You need to do better and will then remove privileges from you unless you do better.
The conversation was, you know your love no matter how your grades are, but you also know you're capable wanting to talk on your report card about some of the grades you've got that you were more happy with what you do well there. How might you use those in math and how can we help you be get the grades you want to get in math rather than the grades we want you to get in math what grades you want to get in math and again I know you're going to hear your brain already something some parents will say well they don't care I don't care about is what ideas find many will have will say yeah that's great.
It works in, and parents should deftly try it. More talk of the whole spectrum and that's why you know some some students, some children will say and I'm doing the best I can.
We gotta recognize that maybe they need tutoring or they need some additional right sins and sold.
The question is how can I help you, because what I've been doing hasn't been doing it right and sometimes the help comes in the form of just making sure we're safe and making sure the kids know their loved. As we start to call them to accountability like if we build that nest of grace with those first two messages, then they're more inclined to respond to our calls to accountability will Jim and Lynn Jackson have joined us this past couple of days on Focus on the Family with insights from their book discipline that connects with your child's heart and will encourage you to get a copy of the book or a CD of this entire conversation.
It also to call us if we can be of any help to you that you can schedule a consultation with one of her Christian counselors are numbers 800 K in the word family for all of these resources again 880 family or look for the links in the episode notes that Jim and Lynn. Let's move it in a positive direction.
Money we've identified those difficult things. The third element of your for the mentioned is to remind your child that there called and are capable sounds very optimistic.
I would gravitate to that. Let's see what you're going to be.
Let's aim for something that will honor the Lord in your journey as a teenager.
As a young person but you encourage parents to calm down, connect and give choices in order to train them in that direction which I think is helpful described that well the calm down part helps me as a parent to see things that I don't normally see in the first thing that I started learning to see in both other people's kids and in our kids when I could call myself down was that even when they're doing things that I wish they weren't doing their doing things that are good at their doing things, God will use their doing things that God can use for his glory. I think of the apostle Paul, the apostle Paul. What was he before he was Paul he was Saul. What was he doing destroying the church you list what it take to be good at what he was doing. He was strategic. He was passionate he was knowledgeable he was zealous and so he built teams will knowledge the incredible knowledge of the word.
It was it was gift gone awry when my kids are doing terrible things. If all I see is the terrible things as opposed to the gift beneath it. How in the world am I going to say to that child while those words you're using right now.
The really powerful their hurtful, how do you create a plan to avoid that misbehavior.
I mean that is part of the parental role. How do we engage that child who is a brilliant negotiator, but it's strident and it's out of a sense of pride. So when you talk that way. I'm really glad to be hearing from you and I can see that you feel really strongly about what you're saying. Your words and the way that you using them cause me to want to back away which I'm going to do until you figure out how to deliver those words more respectfully, it's up to you when you do that you let me know and then you just turn to walk away, walk away, that is good I like that. Let's look at some age-appropriate examples of preparing a plan for them so they can do better next time you use an example, you want the five-year-old 10-year-old 15-year-old when our kids were little, we were stuck in a pattern of it was my job to herd them towards bad and it was their job to try to escape and work at the editor youth outreach in the evenings and so it was hurting defiant cats you know for bedtime and I finally said to them, you know, guys, do we like how bedtime ghost we like how we feel when when we all get to bed when when you guys all get to bed as I know I don't don't like feeling angry and disconnected from you at the end the night we like it either you so crappy and incoherent. It's really frustrating and it's hard to ceiling. Some were sound like were all frustrated. How could we solve this so so we feel really good about how we end our night together.
How do you and the night.
I want to feel close to you. I want to, you know, I want to have fun together people. What can we do so I just put it on to them to make a plan to come up with how we can make bedtimes more peaceful and connective. And they got to work figuring out a system of rewards and consequences that they knew would motivate them to get into bed so that I didn't have to herd them into bed which was just not help okay so here here's the big question.
This will be $1 million question. How do you make a plan for them to brush their teeth that seems to be one of the biggest challenges, especially for boys and see the reason anyone brush her teeth, dad and just waste time. I don't mind if my breath is horrible. We had a family for whom that was a huge issue and there was huge power struggles over teeth brushing when they looked at this behavior through the lens of your safe and left your capable in your responsible. Things began to change so that dad began to realize I need to educate my girls as to what happens when they don't brush their teeth so they went online and they looked at the germs that grow the bacteria.
They talked about what happens to teeth because his view was you are capable of making wiser decisions.
If you're simply really well-informed and they'd let them know girls, if you don't become responsible about brushing your teeth number and have to get the sugar out of the house because that is gonna make it a lot worse and you're going to be responsible to pay for your cavities. So what you think would be a good plan so that you can take care of your teeth because God gave you your teeth herein given to me. He came to you is good. I will you say those four messages safe and loved capable and responsible. Yet it was a little loaded thing in there that the parents talk that's about all the time. While they don't care if they have to pay for their cavities because they don't even know what that means, well bingo. That's because they haven't been taught what that means, and they haven't experienced the consequence of not having money to get what they want when they want to get the thing that their money would get them.
The challenge that you have as a parent is when their dentin is very healthy discussion absolutely to brush her teeth more and they get back from the dentist. How may cavities. None are on our oldest strong-willed one.
Actually that lesson when he was in his 20s. He thought he had teeth of steel perfection and did not take care of them and all of a sudden he found that he was paying for what has dollars $1000 and was so we said buddy. We love you and I can help you with that one. We know about this all along and that, and our youngest view our younger kids. They couldn't afford a whole cavity. Of course we invited like that was a loss of allowance money teaching the value of 1/4 of dime a dollar and so on and in the discipline of of waiting to spend your money just because you want so there's there's this big there's this great big thing in helping our kids learn you are responsible to place into that bedtime message so that when Lynn said Juergen have to pay for your cavities. Our kids and what that meant well and you're really capturing the fourth of the four which is the responsibility for your actions.
And that's terrific.
I'm Jim. And when this is been so good, John.
If you've been taking notes and see that and I think many many in the audience have found these last two days very very helpful. Your book discipline that connects with your child's heart. I think it is chock-full of helpful advice. Very practical.
You have a at the end you have a lot of additional direction for parents to tap into resources that are out there in the website and other places.
So it is a wonderful resource and we want to make that available to you. Let me say the aspirational parent you want to do better. I want to do a better job.
I know you want to do better for gift of any amount will send you the book so that you can get on the right path and maybe straighten out some of the perfectionism that when was talking about. I can relate to that to you want to see behavior modified more than loving your children. This is a wonderful resource to get you pointed in a better I'd say more godly direction in your parenting and I just add gin that I think this is a good book, even for young adults who need to learn some of the lessons we've been talking about again.
That book is called discipline that connects with your child's heart. Authors are Jim and Lynn Jackson with copies of that on the link in the episode and were here to help families like yours and earn a spot to help with their financial stand in the gap parents who are struggling.
We really appreciate your generous contribution. When you donate today will send a copy of this great book is our way of saying thank you for joining this on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive