Making Your Marriage a High Priority

Well, today on Focus on the Family, you'll hear about a marriage that almost fell apart. You know, we grew up in very different worlds. I'm from upstate New York. He's from L.A. Okay, that's like meeting of the planets right there.

Okay? Yeah, I was a pampered L.A. actor. Well, stay tuned to discover how Kirk and Chelsea Cameron overcame a host of challenges. As I said, this is Focus on the Family with Focus President Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, many of our listeners will be familiar with Kirk and Chelsea Cameron from their acting careers. In fact, they met on the set of the TV show, Growing Pains, which I'm sure many people are familiar with. That's where Kirk played Mike Seaver and Chelsea played his girlfriend, Kate. But it's their roles as husband and wife and parents of six kids that will really be of interest to you. As we'll hear in just a moment, as Kirk traveled and developed a very successful speaking ministry, Chelsea stayed at home to focus on their six children, which she admits put Kirk at the bottom of her priority list.

And that's a recipe for disaster. And let me just quickly add, if this program brings up concerns for your own marriage, please get in touch with us. We have counselors who can spend time with you on the phone. And we'd also encourage you to check out our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, which have a success rate of over 80 percent. And if you can give to help us save and strengthen marriages one family at a time, we really need to hear from you today.

Yeah, you can donate or ask for help from one of our counselors as well if you'd like, or ask about our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives. All of this and much, much more when you call 800 the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or follow the link in the episode notes. And just a little more detail about the Camerons. After his TV career, Kirk went on to several movie roles.

He was Captain Caleb Holt in the movie Fireproof, which was, of course, a big hit. And Kirk does have his own film studio and hosts marriage conferences across the U.S. Chelsea has a ministry teaching biblical marriage and family classes. And together, Kirk and Chelsea have founded Camp Firefly, which is a real fun getaway for seriously ill children and their families. I think you'll really enjoy this as we listen now to Kirk and Chelsea Cameron speaking at a Focus on the Family Marriage Conference a number of years ago. Before we share some thoughts with you, let me just say that I realize some of you may be feeling that we're very underqualified to be standing on this stage. After all, we've only been married once.

You know, it was 19 years ago. It's been to each other the whole time. We're just kind of a regular couple. But there's some things that we've learned and here's the main thing. We know that the same God that designed the universe also designed marriage. And marriage is wonderful. And God speaks with authority on the subject of marriage. And he speaks on the subject through his word. And we've gotten to know God and his manual and found that his advice trumps Oprah's every time. Amen. And he's kind enough to make his word understandable for regular couples like us.

And he's got a lot to say on the subject of how to keep it together in a difficult environment. Amen. You know, Kirk and I made an intentional decision to leave Hollywood, the location of Hollywood, and move our family to the suburbs. We wanted to sort of get away from that curse outside and just kind of move away from it all. But we quickly realized that the Bible doesn't say flee from big cities and your marriage will be successful. And there was another curse that seemed to have nothing to do with location. And it came with us. And it was the inside curse.

It was things like selfishness and pride and stubbornness and a refusal to get in line with what God says about marriage. You know, we grew up in very different worlds. I'm from upstate New York. He's from L.A.

Okay, that's like meeting of the planets right there. Okay, anyone from the East Coast knows what I'm talking about. And you know, I had a very normal upbringing. I come from a hardworking middle class family.

I went through elementary school and high school and college. Just down to earth family. Kirk's family is wonderful. But Kirk's journey was a little different.

He kind of... Yeah, I was a pampered L.A. actor. I'll admit it. Okay, he said it. He said it.

I didn't say it. Alright, so you know we just have these differences about sort of perspective on life and things. And I think that those differences became very apparent. Oh yeah. I remember one time.

Let me just jump in here, sweetie. I remember one time we had a very clear illustration of how different we could see the same situation. Have you ever had that happen? This is how it went. We were sitting in our kitchen.

You remember this? We were in our kitchen and I was sitting at the kitchen table. And you were at the sink unloading some dishes from the dishwasher. And I was talking to a friend. And we were talking away and talking away. And all of a sudden I heard something just crash, shatter in the sink.

And it startles me. I jump up out of my seat. I'm like, what happened? And I go over and Chelsea was unloading the dishwasher and she was putting away our very expensive wedding crystal. And she I guess had turned and putting it away she hit it against the side of the cast iron sink.

And I'm looking at this shattered, you know, crystal and I say, honey, honey, you've got to be more careful. And she gave me a look. And it was it was it was a look that only an Italian New Yorker can give. You know, it was that it was that just.

Right. One of those. And then it got worse. She's looking at me right in the face and she reaches into the dishwasher. She pulls out another one. She holds it over the cast iron sink and drops it, shatters another one.

And I'm thinking, what have I married? All right. OK. You know, there's two sides of every story, right?

We've learned that. I don't remember that tone. I remember a different tone. It was a lot more scolding. Scolding for a mistake. Just a little innocent mistake. And I remember standing there thinking. Are you going to scold me for a mistake?

I had never been scolded in my life for a mistake. And I stood there thinking, oh, my gosh, what have I married? And then something just took over my body and I grabbed the other one.

I have no I don't know what happened. One of those moments. But, you know, it was really just he came up in a home. That handled those things differently than I did than the home I came from.

And that was just probably the beginning of seeing some major differences. We both had different views on marriage, different examples of marriage. And you could spend your whole life trying to change another person. Just trying to control and change your spouse.

And I think that most people do spend their whole life doing that. How's that working for you, girls? Does that work for you?

No, it doesn't work. Because we can't control anyone else. My husband is out of the reach of my control. And when I learned that there was really only one person that I could control, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and that was me, I started realizing that there was some problems in my own heart. It had nothing to do with Hollywood. It had nothing to do with location. It had to do with the fact that we both really didn't know how to do this. And we were coming with so much pride and so much opinion.

And it wasn't that we needed to move further away from Hollywood. It was that we needed to move closer and dig deeper into the word of God. And figure out what marriage was meant to be. And how I was going to glorify God in this marriage.

And how I was going to get my part right. One of the lessons that Chelsea and I learned... Well, all right, I learned. It was an essential lesson that I didn't think I really needed to learn. And I didn't realize that until after some damage had been done.

And I realized this is a huge lesson that I need to learn. I remember when Chelsea and I first met, the world just didn't exist. She was my universe.

Nothing else would get me down. I had the force field of love around me. And my attention was just totally on her.

That's all I thought. She was all I thought about 24 hours a day. I remember Valentine's Day celebrations with the candles going up the stairs over here in a romantic dinner. And my mom was catering it and set it all up.

And so my life was just, you know, you just kind of have blinders on. And I remember standing at the altar thinking to myself, Lord, if you let this marriage go through and she says yes and she commits to me, I just want to serve her for the rest of my life. And I am not going to break her heart, not for a second. I had committed I would not even kiss another actress for my work, let alone have an affair. And then 15 years later, six children later, I found myself attracted to another woman. And I always felt that no matter what I said or how I said it, I felt so appreciated and respected. And she laughed at almost everything that I said. And I didn't realize what I was doing was I was neglecting my wife and my children and doing some damage here.

And I didn't see it. And she had a name. You know what her name was? The church. Ministry. I was being asked by so many within the church to go and speak as this Christian who lives in Hollywood.

The guy from Growing Pains. And it was like I could go everywhere. And people would just say, wonderful, wonderful job. You know, you just get respect coming at you in a flood, laughing at your jokes, applauding at profound things that you could say.

And it wasn't always that way at home. Guys, you know, you feel me? You know, and so I began pouring more of my time and my focus and my attention where it was working, where I really felt like I'm the man. And my priorities got mixed up and upside down.

And I was neglecting my wife and my children. The mistress wears many faces. And just as a woman's heart can be stolen away by a man who pays attention to her and so a man's heart can be wooed by work and ministry and accomplishment and sports, friends. And not that those things are innately wrong in and of themselves, but when we get our priorities upside down and we lose perspective and we get away from God's program for marriage and family. And anything comes before this relationship, it's wrong and sinful and it needs to be cut out and gotten rid of. Proverbs 5 says, the adulterous woman, whoever she is, whatever face she wears, her voice is sweet, her lips drip with honey.

But run from her, turn from her because her paths lead to death and destruction. And so I want to ask you as you're listening to this today, sir, ma'am, who is wooing you? Who has got your heart and your attention?

Is it work? Is it golf? Is it ministry? Who would your spouse say it is? Is there another woman in your life or another man? You know, I have to say that at the same time that his focus was there, there was a whole other love affair going on inside of our home. And that was my focus on the six kids and how they needed me and it was everything. And Kirk would come home and it wasn't like he'd walk in the door and we'd be doing the wave and lighting our lighters. He was dead and he was home.

Take out the trash. Here's another diaper. But the truth is, if I had to prioritize where he was, he'd be number seven. And I knew that that's not the way God designed a family.

I know and I've heard that you can't be a better mother than you are a wife. But I wasn't really seeing that at the time. I was more focused on keeping record of his wrongs and sort of... I'm a very independent girl so I was just doing my thing with the kids.

Whether you're here or you're not here, I can do this. And I kept those little hurts and disappointments right in my back pocket. And you know what? There's a lot of resentment that starts to build up. And I remember, I'm sure there's so many people sitting right here who have said the words, you know what? I'm done. I'm done.

Can anyone relate to that? How about the words, I am so done? And then I heard a message from Dr. James McDonald. And he was teaching from Ephesians 4, verse 32. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Just as God in Christ has forgiven me. And your mind just thinks, well, he doesn't deserve it. And then I started thinking, if I got what I deserve, what I deserve is hell and everything else is a blessing. And God says to forgive the way he forgives?

I didn't know how to do that. And he started talking about how forgiveness is two parts. It's one between you and God where you say, Lord, you have forgiven me of so much every day of my life. And I was so convicted.

And I just said, I'm laying all of this down. Help me to be like you, Lord. Help me to forgive.

Help me to keep record of wrongs. And they talked about how one part was between me and God and then one part was between her and me. It was a process.

So there's this decision in the process. And the process is showing forth love and giving him my best and being what I need to be for Jesus. Even in the moment, if you don't feel it, God says, don't act on your feelings. Act on your obedience and I'll produce the feeling in you. And when you fail at the process and you're playing those tapes again in your head or it disappoints you, you don't go back to unforgiveness. You go back to the cross.

Lord, now I've failed you. Help me to be like you. Help me to forgive like you. And the more you do that and you work that, you don't go back to unforgiveness. It's like the chain is broken in your life.

And you get free. And the blessings start to flow back in our life and the joy in our home. There is no meaningful relationship. There is no lasting marriage without forgiveness. And it's the most Christ-like thing you can do.

And it made such a profound change in our life, in my life, in our marriage. I love you so much for forgiving me so much. It's a two-way street, believe me. It's a very forgiving person. I'm not as good at forgiveness because I haven't had as much practice as she has. That's not true.

That's not true. The one word that I think would summarize what it is that keeps us strong and healthy in Hollywood and gives us the power to do the things we just talked about is the cross. It's the first thing that attracted me to Chelsea and it's the thing today that keeps me in love with her.

If your marriage is just based on appearances or on certain activities, what happens when those appearances begin to change and the activities are no longer possible? It's got to be a whole lot deeper than that. I remember when I first met Chelsea, she was sitting off on the side of the set and she was just kind of sitting down with her cowboy boots and jeans looking really cute and she had a headset on and she had this necklace with a little cross that was made of sapphires. This is a Hollywood set of growing pains. I saw her there and I thought to myself, I'd like to go over and talk with her. I'm getting all nervous. She's out of my league. What am I thinking? Then I went over and I thought, she's got a cross on. Could she be a Christian? Then I thought to myself, no. She's beautiful. I figured that girls were either beautiful or Christians.

I figured that they would never be both. So I said, hey, what are you listening to? She says, oh, he's a band. You've never heard of it. I'm sure you've never heard of it. I said, really?

Give me a shot. Who is it? She said, Petra. I said, Petra? I said, I know Petra. I love Petra.

More power to you when you're standing on his word. Remember that song? Yeah.

I thought, I love Petra. She says, really? I said, yeah, are you a Christian? She says, yeah, are you?

I said, yeah, no way. This is great. You know? And that's what first attracted me to her was that cross. And today, I've learned that as feelings come and go and as things change and the emotional barometer, thermometer, whichever it is, goes up and down. Have this motto always in the front of your mind. Never look down on your spouse. Instead, keep looking up to the cross. The cross, the cross, that's what will save you, not only from hell, but it will save you from a failed marriage because when you look at the cross, you look and you say, I'm not deserving of that.

What my spouse has done to me and the coldness or the bitterness or the fact that she or he ignores me and treats me the way that I don't think I deserve. I look to the cross and go, what I've done to the Lord is far more than that, a million times worse. And he didn't reject me. He loved me. And he died for me.

He gave me a gift I could never earn or make up for. And that's fuel in your tank. That's the picture of love. And then we take that with a full tank and turn to our spouse and give love, whether we feel like it or not. And as we do, that transformation happens. Remember, we love him because he first loved us. You know, I used to, it's interesting because we were just talking about this and I remember standing at the altar with Kirk and looking at him and thinking, we have got an amazing thing.

And I realized that love not tested is really not love at all. And it's when you go through the valley and you have to be humbled and you have to be refined and you have to be broken and you have to go to God's word and you have to keep trusting and you have to keep persevering and you come out the other end together, now you have a thing. We have much more of a thing 20 years later than we did at the altar. And it has very little to do with us. It has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with God transforming us. I'm not getting a new husband, but I can give him a new me.

That's right, you're not getting a new husband. And you can still pray for us out there in Hollywood, but God is an amazing God. He is the glue.

He is the cross that holds us together. God bless you. We've been listening to Kirk and Chelsea Cameron today on Focus on the Family, and they've been sharing very openly and honestly about their marriage and some of the struggles that they've overcome.

And that was recorded at a Focus on Marriage event here on our Colorado Springs campus just a few years ago. And John, I really appreciate what Kirk had to say a few minutes ago. Never look down on your spouse. Boy, that's good advice. Instead, keep looking up to the cross. That's powerful.

Here's another tip that I got from a friend. When you're in an argument with your spouse, imagine Jesus standing right beside them. That makes you pull up a little short, especially when things are getting heated. You've got to take a second to step back and remember that Christ died for your spouse.

That's his daughter or his son. And then treat that person with respect, great respect. That's a good principle to remember when you're having one of those days with your husband or your wife. And you know, I firmly believe that sooner or later, everyone needs help with their marriage. And that's one of the main reasons that Focus on the Family exists, to help your marriage thrive. And as we said at the top of the program today, we have an amazing team of counselors here who are able to spend some time with you on the phone and then refer you, if necessary, to a like-minded counselor in your area. We have an extensive network of counselors across the U.S. and Canada. And if your marriage needs more help, let me strongly recommend our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives.

This program is so successful, we've expanded it to three locations now, Michigan, Georgia, and Missouri. As couples leave the intensive, 95% say they believe it will make a difference in their marriage. And two years later, 80% of these couples say they are doing well.

And that's a truly remarkable success rate. Here's a note we received from Sarah. She said, Our marriage seemed hopeless, but we gave it one last shot by attending Hope Restored in Branson. We learned new ways to communicate, which has been very helpful. But the best thing that happened during the intensive was discovering that God sees me and loves me.

What a blessing! The counselors taught us how to practice self-care, which takes a lot of pressure off of our marriage, and helps us stay focused on what God is doing each day. Thank you, Focus on the Family. And let me say thank you, Lord, and to our donors, for saving marriages like Sarah's through Hope Restored. It really is a team effort, and we're so pleased at what God does. We couldn't do this, though, without the thousands of donors who want to help couples thrive in their marriages. You know, it's like a safety net that we've been able to build with all of you. And saving marriages is a tangible way to help families. When we help a marriage, we're also saving children from the trauma of divorce and the poverty that often follows.

It's a win-win. So let me encourage you to donate to the marriage-building efforts of Focus on the Family. We need your partnership. And when you make a donation of any amount, we'll send you a CD of this message from Kirk and Chelsea Cameron as our way of saying thank you. Get a copy to pass along to a friend, a co-worker, or maybe a family member. Yeah, this is the kind of message that really is going to resonate with so many different people and can bear a second or third listening as well. And you can reach us when you call 800-AFAMILY. That's 800-232-6459.

Or donate online and request additional resources. All of that in the episode notes. Next time, join us as Pastor Brady Boyd encourages you to reach others for Christ.

And that's the power of the Great Commission, is to go outside of your comfort zone, go to people that misunderstand each other, and to have common dialogue, to have conversations with people that turns into a witnessing moment. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast. A couple of things of note. First, make sure you go to our website and take that free marriage assessment that we've been offering for the past few years. Over a million people have invested the few minutes it takes to take the quiz, and they've identified strengths and a couple of weaknesses, perhaps, in their relationship. Again, the episode notes has all the details. And then if you're able, please take a moment and give us a rating and share about this episode with a friend who might need some encouragement in their relationship. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.