Your marriage can be healed. A hope-restored marriage-intensive from focus on the family can transform you and your spouse's relationship in just a few days. We'll go to this thing, but this is it. If this doesn't work, we're done. What we have now, it's way more than we ever had before and that I ever even dreamed of in the marriage.
Discover more at hoperestored.com. That's hoperestored.com. I had a manuscript sitting on a table at a restaurant where I frequent in Seattle and it had that title real big. And the server came up and she said, oh, the love languages, what is the one that matters most? Is it words of affirmation?
Because that's mine, right? Is that the one that matters most, right? And I said, well, they're all important and they all matter, but the one that matters most is the love language of the person that's in front of you. That's Dr. Les Parrott, and he and his wife Leslie join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, along with Dr.
Gary Chapman, as we talk about the love languages. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. I so appreciate what these three marriage experts said last time about being intentional in speaking your spouse's love language and even getting into the dialects of their specific language. And we're going to dig into that more today.
If you missed any part of that conversation last time, get our app. That's the best way to be connected to all the content, actually. And we know marriage can have its challenges. Believe me, Gene and I have our challenges from time to time. But let me just remind you that Focus on the Family is here for you.
It's a privilege for us to be there. And that's our mission. If you need to talk with someone, get in touch with us. You won't be embarrassed. We want to help you have the best relationship possible.
And learning to speak your spouse's love language is a great way to refresh, sustain, and I would say build your thriving marriage. And let me quickly introduce our guests. They've all Been here with us a number of times before. Dr. Gary Chapman is a pastor, author, counselor, speaker, radio host.
You probably know him best for his best-selling series, The Five Love Languages. He and his wife, Carolyn, have two adult children. And Les and Leslie Parrott have been married for just over 40 years, and they have two grown sons. Les is a clinical psychologist, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist. And they're relationship experts, best-selling authors, conference speakers.
And they've teamed up with Dr. Chapman on a new book that really elaborates on his original concept: The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. And that's the book we're talking about again today. Contact us to get your copy of the book. We've got the details in the show notes.
And as we pick up, Jim, we're going to listen as you talk with Dr. Chapman about going beyond just knowing about your spouse's love language. Gary, knowing your spouse's love language is a great start. And of course, reading the original book is a great idea, or this new one. But real connection does take practice.
And we can understand it intellectually, but then doing it is sometimes a stumbling block for people. How can couples move from knowing to actually speaking each other's language? I mean, what are those mechanisms?
Well, if they're Christians, I'd say pray first. Lord, you know I'm married to this person. and I know they have the emotional need to feel loved. and I know their love language and their dialect.
So help me. Because this doesn't come natural for me. Do you say, God help me?
Sometimes maybe. And God will help us. He will help us. But let's face it, if you didn't receive. Growing up, the primary love language of your spouse and the dialect that they want in dialect or dialects they want to receive it in, it's a learning curve.
You know, so a man said to me, he said, Dr. Chapman, her language is words of affirmation. And I know that. He said, but I can't I don't know how to say that. I never received positive words growing up.
And I don't know how to say it. I said, well, you you know, you can't erase your history. Right. You can start now learning. And I said, tell me three things your wife is good at.
He said, well, she's a good cook. And she's a good school teacher. And she's a good mother. and I wrote three sentences out beside each one of those. as it hears your homework.
You go home and twice a day this week, you get in a room by yourself. and say these words, read these sentences out loud. You hear yourself saying these. And when you come back next week, I hope you can say them to me without looking at your list. You say, well, I'll try it.
You have to start where you are. But we can learn these, but it means we have to. want to do it, choose to do it, and God will help us because God wants us to love our spouse. Yeah. Les and Leslie, that answer actually sparks something in my mind.
We've had a number of guests that talk about family of origin issues, the Yurkoviches, the way we love, for example. That formative time really does shape so much of who we become. And it's rare that we get an opportunity unless there's a need, a deep need that you say, I need help figuring this out. And you go to counseling and they begin to put these pieces together. But in this area of love languages and the idea of family of origin and things you did or did not receive.
Can we overcome those things if they're so deeply rooted in us that we haven't been loved in the right way? That we can overcome these. Most definitely. And that's why I think that's why. The five love languages is such a success because it is so tangible and it speaks to that person in such a unique way.
Yeah, here's the thing. You know, we all have a story that shaped us. It is so helpful to think of that having shaped our own love tanks and the love tank of the person. You know, it's not a one-size-fits-all. You know, it's like every different kind of car has its own tank and runs on its own fuel.
And how our families loved us, how they failed us, you know, our own personality, that all goes into creating our love tank. And it's helpful to realize, oh, okay, well, some love tanks drain faster than others.
Some hold more fuel. You know, maybe if I grew up in a home, you described it earlier, Gary, you know, where I got all these love language, love languages spoken to me, then my tank is. Fueled up and doesn't drain as fast. But some of us have love leaks. You can siphon our tank really fast.
And I think that's why recognizing, especially. If you recognize, wow, my spouse speaks what I would consider a foreign love language to me. Like it is awkward learning a foreign language for most of us.
Some of us are great at that. I'm terrible. I remember we were going to take a trip to France, and I, you know, ordered one of those kits and I was convinced I would be, you know, it was the most embarrassing, ridiculous thing. It felt clunky, whatever. Your love language is a foreign one for me.
I had to treat it the same way in our marriage. Yeah. But it does, the family of origin has a lot to do with that. In fact, in this new book, we have a whole chapter on your love tank and how your family shaped that.
Some of us have big love tanks.
Some of us are pretty small with our love tanks and they need frequent fueling. Um others can live on some spoken word of affirmation because that's our love language for a longer time than other people can.
So that's a really important insight that you have, Jim. The love tank is homegrown in so many ways. That's interesting. That's so interesting. What about the perspective of how you prioritize your own Life.
I mean, first it's the Lord. It's your relationship with the Lord.
So many experts have been at this table talking about. You don't have the capacity to change your spouse. You have to work on you. And often, what happens in that setting. Is the Lord shows up and starts working on your spouse?
But this idea of your love tank from God. you know, filling your love tank with the Lord's love and understanding that deep unconditional love as best as we can, and then the love tank with our spouse. Gary, speak to those expectations. I'm just thinking of the man saying, you know what? I told her I loved her at the altar, and we love the Lord, and that's good enough.
Right? That's an extreme, but it proves the point. Right, yeah. You know, I think if we understand this concept and we communicate love, it is true we cannot change our spouse. That's true.
But we can influence our spouse, and we do every single day. We either have a positive influence or we have a negative influence every single day. And the most powerful influence you can have on the positive side is to be communicating love to that person in their love language, in a dialect that's meaningful to them, that's filling up their love tank. That doesn't make them Change, but it's a positive influence on them. They're far more likely to change if you're doing that on a consistent basis.
So, les, here's the question: you're all doctors, you're all in this every day. Why as a human being do I push purposefully gene's hot buttons? I mean, where in my head? Is it rational for me to say, well, if I say this, boom, I get a spark. It's so stupid of me.
Well, sometimes you do it, and she's told me you do this quite frequently. I'm speaking on behalf of John. Just teasing. This is true. I mean, it is such an odd thing in human behavior in married couples.
Well, here's one reason we're oblivious to it sometimes, because we all live with an agenda. You have an agenda about what you're going to do when you get upstairs to your office after this, or a group you're going to speak to, or whatever. We have an agenda about where we're going to go for lunch. We have all kinds of agendas, right? And it takes a conscious effort to temporarily set aside my agenda.
To recognize your needs. That's when we speak that person's love language. That's when we're able to really understand their heart and have presence with them. And by the way, this whole thing, this whole enterprise. Uh with what Gary has come up with with the five love languages and this new concept, the love language that matters most and the dialects that's truly revolutionary.
This whole thing is not about perfectionism. It's about progress, right? It's not about being perfect. It's about making progress. Persistence.
And you will fail. You're going to say stupid things. Jim, Jim, look at me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But when you do, you can recover.
I'll give you a really fresh example in our own marriage that happened within the last 48 hours. And it makes me look like an idiot. Pause. Think about this. Are you sure you want to do middle?
Keep moving. Go ahead.
Next question. No, now you got me.
So, Leslie was in the middle of kind of just ramping up in a really meaningful conversation.
Well, you were on the front end. What I knew was going to be a long conversation. I think I know where this is going. And I don't think you do because this was so stupid on my part. And it had to do with one of our boys and so forth.
And she was, you know, kind of pouring out her heart on that. And in the middle of her doing that, so I have this little obsession with this new vacuum cleaner that we got. And this vacuum cleaner has this light on it that shows you where the dirt is. You know what I'm saying? It's a smart vacuum.
It's incredible. It's become my therapy. Could we do a session on the Dyson vacuum? There you go. We just did the ad.
Everybody's going to get one. I hope they send me one for free. But anyway, I don't know what I had it in my hand. And in the middle of her talking, I just turned the thing on because I saw a hair loose on the floor. And I thought, I'll just get that real fast because it's not.
I feel so much better right now. I was so distracted by what I needed to do. I couldn't really be present with her. But I didn't say anything. I just did it.
It was just so, I mean, talk about. A love leak. Her whole love tank was just like completely empty. And so, and by the way, when you do something like that, here's what we know from research from John Gottman: when you do something so stupid or you say something so stupid, it takes five times the positive. To get back to where you were.
Well, going back to the leaks in the tank, that's true. All those things are those leaks in the proverbial tank.
So you have to now double, quintuple your effort to fill that tank up. And getting that dialect dial in is what matters. But I love your insight that we do know how to nudge each other and touch those tender points. But I think if you spin that, We're pretty bright, and we also know how to do the thing that makes them feel most deeply loved. It's that same intuitive understanding that we can just flip.
On its head and be brilliant at loving. Yeah. You know, again, quality time, we get into that one as well, but quality time is that being present. And how can couples cultivate that kind of intentionality around quality time? I think Jean, again, an example there, she would feel quality time praying together, reading the word together.
Yep, sitting together too, but it's like the pressure of the gas hose if we're talking about putting fuel in our tank. If we're doing those spiritual things together, it's like fully squeezed, and that gas is pouring in the tank. For us, sitting together, it might be halfway in terms of her receiving the benefit of that. She's more into let's develop our relationship spiritually.
So is that an insight? Is that a dialect? Is that knowing what fuel really fills her tank? I think our relationship with God impacts everything. And I think the more we share our relationship with God in terms of praying together or reading the scriptures together or discussing a sermon together that we've just heard, it has a positive impact on speaking any of these languages because when we feel our hearts are beating together in our relationship with God, we're far more likely to really give attention to how to communicate love to each other.
Absolutely. And maybe that's the question, Les or Leslie, in terms of the dialects of quality time. What are they? Yeah, no, I love this one. This one's kind of fun because we all experience time differently and we even think of it as a resource differently.
One of the qualifiers, and I've heard you say this time and time again, Gary, and it's so true, is quality time isn't just about being together, it's undistracted. Full presence. No iPhone. No vacuum cleaner. Oh, this is revelatory.
What about being a housework? There's no evil. There is no evil eye bigger than if Gene's talking to me and I bing, the phone goes and I check it out and I look back at her and she's got that eye like I just committed the bad sin. And we've all committed that sin. And you know what?
She's right. Yeah. So let me ask a question for us and everybody that's listening to us. Are you more scheduled or unscheduled? In what area of my life?
Your whole, just in general. Your practice.
Well, eight to five, I'm highly scheduled because of what I do here, focus on the family. And then at home, I tend to be far less scheduled. You're spontaneous. Yeah. So I can operate in both worlds.
And what about Gene? Highly scheduled. All the time? All the time. Yeah, she likes to know what's going to happen.
Three lists to every item.
Okay. And then the second question is, are you more future-oriented or more present-oriented? Oriented. Are you energized by the here and now or the there and then? What's about to happen?
Vanilla. What's your favorite ice cream? That's what that sounds like to me. You know, I think, again, I think in my role, that helps shape.
some of your, you know, the demand of your vocation can shape some of these things, I think.
So I think I've got to be thinking about that. How about Jean? Is she more... I would say present. She's more present.
I tend to be more future. I think that's probably it. If she is present-oriented and scheduled. That shapes her dialect for quality time. Is quality time an important thing to her?
Very. Yeah. So, what she will like is something that is paced. and punctual. She wants to know here's when it starts, here's how it's going to go.
And she can now relax in that. How about this insight? Never surprised me. With a trip. That will not be my favorite thing.
Tell me ahead of time so I know how to pack. Yeah. Whereas if you're unscheduled and future-oriented, surprise me every day.
So you get the idea? Yeah, and I tend to be the other. Throw some clothes in the bag. Let's go. Yeah, absolutely.
Don't even tell me where we're headed. And this is such good stuff. And I appreciate, Jim, your vulnerability. I've worked closely with you. I think they got it.
I think less you nailed it in terms of the expectations. And that's important. I'd like to be paid for that conference.
Well, we listened to you about the vacuum. I'll give you my vacuum. You give me therapy. Can we talk about gifts? Because, especially in some of my kids, I see gift giving and gift receiving.
It's thoughtfulness. Apply this to the marriage relationship. because there are nuances here that I have not really understood until starting to read some of this book. The gift giving isn't just a here's a gift I was thinking of you. I think this is really important that we understand the kind of gifts, you know, that's important to them.
Like fanciful gifts is one of the dialects. And this can be fancy things, it can be jewelry, it can be an amazing flower arrangement that just blows her away.
So that's one of the dialects within this. Another one, of course, is functional gifts, like vacuum cleaners. Wow. I'm getting one every year, you know. We know you're lovely.
So that's functional. Yeah. But if you're giving them a functional gift and their dialect is fanciful gifts, and they don't have to be expensive fanciful gifts, you know, then you're not hitting them where they really need to be hit in terms of receiving it. And then there are sensible gifts, things that you've talked about that you really know that they would like to have because they've talked about that, you know. And sentimental gifts, things that remind you of, remember that time when we were here and all that kind of thing.
You know, so often we're thinking. expense. You know, you might be newly married, people are listening and they're going, Wow, we can't afford to do some of this. I can't afford a blender. Right.
Even though my wife would love a blender. But Gary, you you said in the book one of the most precious gifts you received from Carolyn, your wife, was what? It was a little piece of paper that I actually have with me today. Oh, yeah, you carry it. I carry it with me.
Everywhere just swear. Everywhere I go. And now, my language is words of affirmation, so this is a gift of words. This was a home run. Home.
Handprinted. Look at this. I'm kidding. My sweet Gary, I do love you. I shall pray for you.
I am so blessed to live with you. I'm proud of you. Parenthesis, thankful, excited, biblical, proud, grateful. Life with you is beyond belief. Have fun.
Bear fruit. Enjoy in return. Stay warm. My love tank fills up. I love it.
I love your tank expression more than anything. This tank's going to explode. It's overflowing here. But that's beautiful. And that's the point.
And she hit it. She knows it. And she really fed you. But that's a great example of how these lovely. Languages sometimes blend into each other because words of affirmation, but it was a tangible gift.
It's something you're carrying. How many years ago did she write this? Oh, I don't know the dates, not only, but it's been a long time ago. But I still carry with me everywhere I go. It's still in his leather notebook there.
And that's the value of this love language: that it is a tangible representation. And whether it's sensible or whether it's fanciful or functional, the point is that it represents that you love me and I can see this. It's a visible symbol of your love for me. That's right.
So when you're on that airplane with a five-hour delay, you pull that out and read it. From time to time, I do, yeah. I believe you would. Because it would lower my blood pressure, right? Sitting on the tarmac for five hours.
Acts of service. This is one that for me trips me up because I, you know, again, it's functional. Acts of service probably is not my. First, second, third, fourth love language. It may be the fifth.
It seems like you're looking down on those of us that have this as our primary language. I mean, I'm expressing that. I'm so sorry, but it's like that's called life. Do good things to other people and do them now. We put it in the new book, The Love Language That Matters Most.
We wrote this story of Seth Meyers, the comedian, who he says, I don't know who this guy is that came up with the five love languages, but it had to be his love language, had to be acts of service because my wife's love language is acts of service. And I come home and I want quality time and say, Do you want to take a walk? And she'll say, Yeah, after you clean the gutters, you know, that's my point. Exactly. Really?
Acts of service. Give me the dialects. What are they? There's four of them. And I really appreciate all these because this is my number one.
Oh, excellent. I'm actually talking to somebody where acts of service. I've never met one like that. That's why I felt insulted that you were looking down on me. That's my gift.
Well, I'm going to list them off and then we can come back to some of them. But saves time, that happens to be my primary dialect. When she can do something that saves me a little bit of time, that's the same thing. Hold on. Is that hard for you to do?
Oh, this is my foreign love language.
Okay, good. I'm just affirming that because that would be difficult. But I got to tell you, she has mastered it. She is fluent in this. I mean, like, nobody's business.
She has grabbed on to this idea of how can I help less safe sometimes. If I have something and I have to go wait in a line to, I don't know, drop off a package or whatever, she knows that is going to take care of it. And sometimes our friends almost are like, why is she doing that all for you? I said, that's my love language. And then they suddenly go, oh, okay, all right.
Yeah. Um, but right, yeah, yeah, you're specifically talking about a warm day on a trip. We were sharing Washington, D.C. D.C., and we had he took off a layer, and without thinking about it, I just carried his extra layer around. And people were feeling oppressed by all that.
Yeah, and I said, What are you doing? They're like, Why are you making her carry? I'm like, I'm getting so many points today, you don't understand. This is my moment. I would have been saying that.
Why is Leslie carrying Les's sweater? And I'm going, I am going to go home and listen to her while I vacuum. That's all I'm talking about. But it saves time, alleviates stress, instills security, and then conveys care.
Some acts of service can make care. And these are all nuances. Instill security. That's a little mysterious. But that's where you really lean in.
Like, acts of service are your thing.
So you know you can depend on your spouse. They're going to do the thing they promised to do. Yeah. And you're not going to have to worry. You're going to, you know, they promise to pick up the dry cleaning and it'll be done.
Well, Gary, Les and Leslie, this has been so much fun and very in-depth and conversational, taking a look at the love languages and this deeper view into how to dial in your spouse's love language and fill his or her tank. This is terrific. I mean, these are kind of the practical tools that we need.
So, thank you for being with us today.
So good to be with you. Thank you, as always. And let me turn to the listener here at Focus on the Family. We're standing for your marriage, trying to help you build the strongest, healthiest marriage possible. And we have so many great tools to help you get started.
One of them is our free online assessment, and that's a quick, easy way to just see what you're doing well and what you need to perhaps work on a little bit. That old encouragement to try harder. Another great resource is the book we've talked about today by Gary Les and Leslie: The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. It's a powerful way to learn how to love your spouse most deeply. And here's some good news: when you support the work of Focus on the Family with a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry.
We heard from a recent contributor to Focus on the Family. And here's what Margo said. I just want to take a moment to say thank you. We appreciate that. Your programs have truly strengthened my marriage and helped me and my husband connect in ways we hadn't before.
The insights, encouragement, and practical advice you share have made a real difference in our daily life together. We're so grateful for the work you do and the support you provide to couples like us. And I think it's really important since the three of you are representing all the great authors and content people, thank you for that assist. I mean, you are coming and talking about your heart and what the Lord's laying on it and what you've done. Poured your labor into and bringing that to the table as well.
So she's saying that to all of us.
So thank you. Thanks, Jenny. Thank you. And you can donate and be a part of this great effort to support marriages and to help families by making a contribution today. And we'll send that book, The Love Language That Matters Most to you.
Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word family. 800-232-6459. Or online, you can donate, take our free marriage assessment, and get this terrific book. The details are in the show notes. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
I'm John Fuller, inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us, and it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need.
I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at refocus with JimDaily.com. Yeah.
