Okay. Did you know that you and your family can get exclusive behind-the-scenes content about everything Adventures in Odyssey? It's called Odyssey Studio Insiders. Visit OdysseyStudioInsiders.com today to get signed up. The world is busy messaging to your children, and it's really, really important for a parent to recognize what a powerful role you have, what an incredible opportunity you have to speak into the life on a regular basis of your son, your daughter, who you are.
why you're wonderful. That's Matt Jacobson with some great insights for parents, whether you're dealing with toddlers or teens or even adult children. Matt and his wife Lisa are back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And we thank you for joining us. I'm John Fuller.
John, we had a really encouraging and engaging conversation last time with Matt and Lisa. It was filled with reminders about how to build stronger, lifelong relationships with our children. You know, one of the best pieces of advice I think I've heard sitting at the studio was: think of your teens as 30-somethings, and what kind of relationship do you want? That's a great long goal because I think parenting is here now. It's correcting behavior and making sure you got your finger in the hole in the dike here and there.
And, you know, it just seems like we're not thinking, who are these kids 20 years from now? And how am I going to be relating to them? But you're building into that relationship when they are. 8 and 13 and 16. And so today we want to give you some of those tools to help you think about that and make those right impressions.
Do the godly thing. I'm not going to even say the right thing. Of course it's the right thing, but do the godly thing in your relationship with your son or daughter in order to ensure that you have a good relationship later down the road. Yeah, and if you missed any of that last conversation with the Jacobsons, get our app and access the entire library of great content that we have for you. It's a wonderful way to be listening.
And the Jacobsons, as we mentioned last time, have written a pair of books that are really terrific: 100 Ways to Love Your Son and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. These are excellent practical resources, and you can get a copy from us here at the ministry. Just swing by the show notes. We've got the link right there. Matt and Lisa, welcome back.
Day two. Thank you so much. It's good to have you. It's great to be here.
So good to have you back. For both of you, and you can answer in any order you choose, a major theme in your book is the idea of building your child's identity. This is so critical right now. College campuses are filled with young people that don't know who they are. And the culture, especially the progressive end of the culture, is trying to tell them they're not what they are.
And convincing many of them that they're not a male, they're not a female, etc. It's such a confusing time to be a young person. But I know we want to raise happy and healthy kids, especially that are serving the Lord. How do you start? Planting those seeds and making that happen.
And how does that connection between a successful marriage and a successful family? How does that happen? That is a big question.
Well, why don't I dive in?
So, one of the very Important things to do, we believe, is to speak even when the kids are young, very young. What kind of a man? do you want to be? What kind of a woman Do you want to be actually putting into their minds this vision of the future of who they are becoming? Yeah.
It's a very powerful thing for a young person to think. Hmm. What kind of a man am I what's going into who I am and how I'm building today? And it speaks to so many aspects of life in the ongoing building blocks of everyday life. There's just a lot of normal everyday life.
in parenting and in raising kids. But putting that vision for the future into their thinking is really, really important. That's something that we've tried to do. Yeah, that's good. Matt, you and Lisa have three family mottos that your kids grew up with.
I've read them, so I know them. I love these, but what are they?
Well, one of them is Jacobson's Never Give Up. I love that. You don't give up. And we started speaking this into the kids at very young ages. And you know what what kid wants to pick up all their toys?
You know, they'll do one or two, and then it's like, I'm just done or tired. No, Jacobson's never give up, and you can go in there and help him pick up.
So that's one of them. And there's always a way to get something done because so many times a child will come to something in their life that's a roadblock to them. Oh, I just. I don't know what to do. I can't do it.
What do you do? There's always a way to get something done. You can figure this out. You can do it. You actually have the ability.
To figure this out.
Now, I probably took this to an extreme when the kids were very young because it even I even employed this in terms of them learning how to climb up on the couch as two-year-olds or however I've lost track of the edges. You taught them to climb up on the couch. Mom, what were you thinking? Yeah, right. What is he doing?
But I'd show them what to do, and then I'd tell them, You can do this, you can do this. And I can just remember that first, pulling up with a knee and doing it. And kids can learn that they have a tremendous capacity. If you do all the thinking for your child. your child won't have to think.
And this is the challenge of the omnicompetent parent, you know? And we get so caught up with efficiency. Hey, we got to be there at 10, so well, I'll just go ahead and do it, you know, because the kids are taking so much time. But the thing is, is the omnicompetent parent winds up Very capable, very efficient, winds up doing everything for the child instead of just gearing down and saying, Hey, you can do this and just wait until the child figures it out. Don't do all of the thinking, don't do all the figuring for your child.
I think that I'm guilty of that. I'll show them by illustration how to be efficient. And you do that over and over, and they are good with it. It's like, hey, we'll just wait for dad and mom to do it. Yeah, it's so true.
You also stressed the importance of being your child's biggest fan. I think we caught that theme, but you had an example where you went to a lot of basketball games that weren't your thing. I think for me, it was the opposite. You know, I played football, basketball, and baseball, and I was so looking forward to if I had sons, that they too would have a love for sports, almost irresistible, and they'd want to aim to play professional sports because that's what I did. That was my heart.
And then I remember Trent going, yeah, after ninth grade football, he was like, I don't think I want to play football anymore. And I remember Gene just like squeezing my knee, like, this is your moment.
Something inside you, Don. Yeah, and I was like, oh, yeah, well, that's good. That's good. You'll be healthy. Your joints won't ache when you're older like mine.
So that's a good decision. But inside is going, oh, man, you're six foot seven. Can't you play football? But it was that kind of thing.
So how did you endure the terrible sport of basketball that you were doing?
Well, no, no, I don't know where you got that. I didn't have to endure their basketball games. I probably had to endure some. Idiotic coaches that didn't know how to inspire and build up maybe some of that. That's true.
But. If your child knows that you love their success. You love what they love, and you love them loving what they do. It just. Speaks encouragement and joy, and hey, my dad's behind me.
And so, I guess that would be a theme that we really tried to incorporate both. In the sons and the daughters, is that we are on your team, we are behind you, and really orchestrating life decisions to prove those words true. Lisa, one of the biggest things right now is being a mom. You know, the motherhood issue. And so many women, understandably, are being encouraged to go to college, go to graduate school, become a professional, do that life until you're not happy anymore, and then start a family at 37, 38, 39.
There are a lot of childless women now. Who so regret that they bought that lie? What would you say to them or say to all 20-something young women who are having to navigate that idea that it's a An either or. Mm-hmm. I see that everywhere.
And I think that messaging is so damaging to women because you're informed that you are only valuable when you do something great out there. And the value of being a mother is so powerful. And the thought of I've impacted eight lives, and now they're spouses, and now they're kids. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. And I think you can.
You can also challenge, well, you know, you made your choice, I'm making mine. But we have options, and I did go to school, and I did have opportunities, and I have no regrets about being a full-time mother. It is the most beautiful thing, and it's not an easy thing. It also is countercultural because it takes sacrifice. It takes laying down your life.
And that's not easy. And it wasn't easy for me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done was being a mother. But I don't have any regrets. You know, Katie Faust is the head of a ministry up, I think, out of Seattle called Them Before Us.
And her context for her ministry, which we're doing a documentary with called This Is a Child, but in the context of being a parent, just, you know. don't e let's just talk about being adults. She said it used to be That adults sacrifice for their children. Like that. That's a worthy calling to be a mom.
And she said today, Children are expected to sacrifice for their adult parents. Isn't that crazy?
Well, it is crazy. In fact, we're living. With the aftermath of a crazy mindset that says children. are an impediment to the life that I intend to pursue.
Okay. Why does the Christian church need Elon Musk to say, hey, we need to have kids? Yeah, no kids.
Okay, now I'm not advocating his particular approach to having kids. But the thing is, the truth of the matter is that we have bought into the mind of Satan when it comes to children because the world right now is. Is in demographic collapse. This is true of Western Europe, it is true of Asia, and it is true, not as true, but still true in the United States.
So the God that said, be fruitful and multiply, the God that said in Jeremiah 29, I do not want my people to be diminished. Is the God that we serve, the God that we worship. And Without God's perspective on children and motherhood. See, motherhood isn't about, hey, I'm sacrificing for a time and then I can go and have a meaningful life. Motherhood is nation building.
That is what is happening in a home, is nation building. And because children Are viewed, the blessing is set aside, and the curse, debt, is embraced. Like we just pile up the debt and we don't want the children. But the Bible says that debt is a curse and children are a blessing. We have to change our mindset about what we're doing.
We are nation-building. You can't have nation-building without Christian families. that look at the children as the image of God being spread over the whole earth. And so this is a problem. This is a huge problem.
And we we need to get back to celebrating the power The incredible nation-building power of motherhood and the discipleship that a mom brings to the next. Generation. And all you have to do is spend about three seconds looking at the demographic collapse everywhere in the West and recognize that the whole world has bought into the mind of Satan fruitlessness and death. He is the Lord of the dead. We serve the Lord of the living, and He loves life, and children are His blessing upon us.
And so, to the degree that we look at children as the accessories that we might or might not want. Is the degree to which we are either buying into the mind of the Lord or to the mind of Satan.
Well, and that'll preach, I'll tell you. And those points. Poor women who now are beyond childbirth age and the lament they have. I grieve for them because they missed out on life's biggest blessing. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and our guests today are Matt and Lisa Jacobson.
And we're talking about a pair of books that they've written, and those are 100 Ways to Love Your Son and 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter. You can find these and other helpful resources, including our free marriage assessment, at our website, and the links are in the show notes. You know, Lisa. I think the fruit, we all now have older adult children. And the fruit, I saw that in Trent just not long ago.
We were having a meal together, and he goes, you know, dad, I just really like our adult relationship. And I went, wow, that's awesome. You know, but even the fact that he expressed it. And I love and like him so much and Troy too. But what a reward to have your, you know, 20-something son or daughter say that, that I like the adulting we're doing now.
And it's different. And you have to respect them and you have to, you know, treat them as a self-determined individual, you know, not somebody you control any longer. And they'll respond with that kind of affirmation. And the irony is. They'll want to hear what you have to say.
Totally. And it's again, it's just like the Lord. It's like the opposite of what you and your flesh think should be done. I'm going to control you until you make the decisions I want to make. And guess what?
They don't. And then when you let go, guess what? They do. And that's what I've seen. How about you?
Oh, totally. I think that respecting them as adults, I love having. Adult kids. It's just been a wonderful season. And it's not necessarily an easy season.
So that was something I wasn't prepared for: that you're going to continue to have. Challenges and things you've got to grow in, ways you've got to figure out as a parent, how do I parent well this season? But like, our youngest son just got a motorcycle and I'm not really crazy about this at all. But again, it was like we were saying earlier that you have a chance to say, well, I think they're dangerous. It worries me, but okay, be safe, you know, and then hug them and have them go off and be excited that he's...
that he has this adventure that he's going on. And I just pray over him a lot. But he's also the same son that's, hey, mom, can I take you out to coffee? I want to talk to you about some things. Boy, those are tough ones, but those are the things that you do deal with.
They're the decision maker now. You're just the, hopefully you're an influencer, but in a healthy way. But the more we hold back, the more we encourage them and are there for them, the more they are inclined to reach out to us and say, hey, I want to talk to you about this, or this has been heavy on my heart, or how do I work through this? And combined with discretion.
So that that's only between You know, the few people that need to know. Matt, what we're describing, and I'll hit it hopefully, which is respect. I mean, that you respect your adult child. And You know, again, it's one of those simple things that your two books address so well and great reminders for what should be there naturally. Yeah.
But it's showing respect for your child, and that comes in so many forms. And it's human nature. When you feel respected, just think of you, the viewer, the listener. When you feel respected, what does that do to you inside? It bolsters you.
You come up emotionally in every way. How do we do that?
Well, as family members, sometimes we. we take liberties with Family members that we wouldn't take with someone else. We just somehow have a different standard. But It's really great for parents to train themselves to think in terms of respecting. my children.
Respecting them, treating them with the same way I treat my neighbor. I don't tell him he should have bought a different lawnmower, you know? Right? And so, and the thing is, is that if you can just keep your opinions to yourself. And you have to do that a number of ways, not just verbally.
But your countenance, your tone, that all goes into speaking respect into the life of your son or daughter. And if they ask you, then You've got an opening, but you don't have the right to lean in and get them to try to do what you want. And the more you grasp, the more you lean in, the more you try. Is literally directly correlative to the amount they're going to pull back and not want to talk to you. You know, I appreciate that.
And I have a friend who has a son who has gone down a very different path in some of his life choices. And this friend has said: the key for us to have a relationship is for me to get to know his friends. And so I hang out with him when he's with his friends. And it's not an awkward kind of, oh, my dad's here. It's.
I think he's loving his son through his friends. Does that make sense? Yeah, interesting. Have you seen something like that where it's kind of a backdoor approach to maintaining the relationship? It's not a, let's work on the relationship now that you're in a bad person.
Yeah, right. They'll run like they're trying to get away from. From a zombie, if you take that approach in terms of, and I made that mistake, right, with my oldest son. I totally did. We had this time in the car where we were driving for miles over to his guitar lesson.
And I'm thinking, great, we can go deep, we can talk about stuff, you know? And so, son, what are you thinking about now? He's like, Mm, nothing. You know? What I should have done is just said, Hey, we're going to be in the car.
Do you have some music that you're liking these days? And just listened to it and just been present with him. But I'm the kind of the person, like, I don't like the three-minute conversations at the party. I want to sit and I just want to go deep, you know, go deep. And so the more that I tried to do that, The more he would withhold and turn into himself.
And so I kind of learned that I was doing it the wrong way. But the thing is, is that. The more you grasp, the less that you it's like grabbing sand, dry sand at the beach. The harder you grasp it, the more it's going to slip through your fingers. But the more you step back and just respect that other person, And be genuinely interested in them, but not always try to go to the deep place all the time.
The more that you're just interested in them as a person and respect them. And keep your opinions to yourself, but offer them when they're asked. Boy, does it come back in spades when they're a little older? And right now, our kids are, you know, we actually thought, hey, we're, you know, we'll never be empty nesters because of our disabled daughter who's going to live with us for the duration, but we always thought. Wow, you know, we're just going to have this time of life when the kids are out doing other things.
We see our kids constantly. They're in and out of our life so much. Yeah. No, it's so good. And, you know, I want to highlight something there, which is the power of observation.
That's part of what you're saying. And, you know, that great scripture that we all know, which is to train up your child in the way he or she should go. And when they are old, they will not depart from it. That's my paraphrase version, obviously. But in that is a power of observation of mom and dad to be able to notice their bents, to notice what kind of what fuels them, you know, and always that affirmation and that loving kindness toward them.
And, you know, sometimes we just. Take it for granted. You know, we get frustrated, we lash out, they're not doing it the way we want to do it, whether they're teenagers, preteens, or 20-somethings. And you just have to do it differently. Yeah, parents skip to learn and grow, and we certainly have along the way.
It's not just the kids that are growing and maturing. Tell me about your vacation and the idea of the blessing book. This is good. I like this.
So every summer, our family all gets together because some of our family members live across the country.
So it's a really big deal and it's a full week, everybody together. And we do various things to make it special, make it meaningful, because it's more than just a good time. It's also almost like a retreat. And so one idea we had was to put together what one of our kids called the Blessing Book. It's just a personalized leather journal that we gave to each family or a single member.
And in it, you have three questions on what are some things that you've really struggled this past year and how has God shown himself faithful? And what are some of the joys? What are some of the answers to prayer you've seen? And the blessings you received. And then that third one would be: what are some of your hopes, dreams, prayer requests in the future?
And we gave it to each of the kids. They had it all year long to kind of fill out, think about, talk about. And then they come together and we had one whole morning together where. Everybody went around and they shared from there. We actually weren't sure how it was going to go.
Are their pages blank? That's why I'd be worried about it. Would they even bring their book? You know, we weren't sure how it would go. No, no, we weren't sure if there'd be pushback, to be honest, you know, in terms of like, hey, wait a minute.
Can I ask you a little question? Like, during the year, did you ever say, are you putting anything in your book? Yeah, I did.
Okay, good. Because that's what I would have been doing. I would have been on them like a drill sergeant. Remember, vacation's coming up in nine months. Oh, totally.
And in fact, it was one of the kids that on our family group chat that said, now we're supposed to bring our blessing books, right? Like, yeah, okay, good. That was yours. Was your type A sons and daughters and the type C's? Were they still able to put a few?
Yeah, everybody put something. I was amazed.
So good. And there was one child, one daughter that just said, I don't know if I want to share this year. I've had a rough year. And I said, that's totally fine. You're not obligated to share.
It's, you know, it's not mandatory. But by the time everybody went- She did anyway. By the time everybody went on the circle, she totally shared. And we all learned things about each other that we didn't know. Things that people were struggling with that we didn't know.
And it was really beautiful. And it was for everybody to find out, oh. Yeah, everybody has their Blessings that we didn't know about and challenges. For sure. Lisa, let's end here.
Explain the context. In the books, you wrote a quote.
Some of my best parenting happens when I'm humbly on my knees. I had no idea that parenting was going to involve so much prayer. I really didn't. I always thought I could, you know, be I'm a practical person. I thought, okay, we'll come up with a solution, we'll come up with a system.
And that just didn't hold for very long at all. And there have been Many, many times where Mountain I have laid in bed at night, you know, reached for my hand and we just said, Okay, let's just pray for this situation, pray for this child.
Sometimes the Lord would bring a breakthrough in terms of an aha moment.
Okay, I see what we're missing. And other times it would be just, Lord, move, where we can't seem to move this child and he, she needs to move. And yeah, so a lot of prayer goes into our parenting. And to this day, you know, there are older kids I think every day we are praying for at least one or two children that have a need or a sorrow or an opportunity. And that's, and they know.
And, you know, one of the things I love is our kids now, they're older, they'll call us and they'll say, okay, can you pray over this? And that's great. And I really, really appreciate that they know that that's going to be prayed over and that it matters. It's beautiful. I mean, that's a great place to end today.
Thank you so much for the great wisdom you've poured into us. And man, two days of wonderful sharing. Good stuff. And the books are 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter, 100 Ways to Love Your Son. And, you know, if you're a concerned parent, that am I doing it right?
I think we all kind of have that self-reflection. You know, you could do the parent assessment, you can get a hold of these two great books, or either of them. If you don't have daughters, obviously, get the boy book. But we just want to engage you to, and I, again, appreciate your willingness or your nudging you to share your strengths and your weaknesses. You kind of did the self-assessment right in front of our eyes.
But you don't want to have regrets as a parent. You want to say, I did a good job in parenting. You don't own the outcome. Your children own that outcome. And the best thing you could do is do the predictive things that will allow them to know the Lord, live with the Lord, love the Lord, and serve the Lord.
We can send either book or both to you when you send a gift of any amount to focus on the family. Your giving provides the fuel that we need to bless and strengthen families like we've done today. And the fact is, only a tiny fraction of the people who listen-I mean, it's like 1-2% of the listenership actually supports the ministry. I don't say that as a point of guilt. I'm just saying, can more of us.
Like Gene and I, and Dina and John. I mean, you guys support the ministry too. Can we all pitch in together? Because so much more can be done together to impact the kingdom on this earth right now. If you find the programming like this helpful for your family and faith, consider a one-time gift or a monthly pledge to touch others.
It'll mean so much to us. Just call 800-232-6459. That's 800, the letter A in the word family. And you can also donate and get the Jacobson's books at our website, and we've got the link for you in the show notes. And let me remind you about our free parenting assessment.
It's a very simple online tool that gives you, as a mom or a dad, an honest look at your unique strengths and what's going well, and maybe a review of some areas where you can improve. It'll be 10 or 15 minutes of investment. It'll be a lifetime of change and growth. Let me urge you to check that out today. It's free, and you'll find the link in the show notes.
Matt and Lisa, thanks so much for being with us. This has been great. Thank you so much. We always love coming. Great to be with you both.
And coming up tomorrow, how to have a godly understanding of your sexual identity. But when we look at scripture, what God really calls us to in every area of our life is to offer ourselves completely to Him, which is surrender, which is to say, my body doesn't belong to you. I was purchased. With the blood of Christ. Thanks for listening to Focused on the Family with Jim Daly.
I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your church comes to you each week to fill their cup. But when the crowd leaves, who's filling yours? That's exactly what I'm here to do with my new podcast from Focus on the Family. It's called Pastor to Pastor with Dave Stone.
I'm so excited to help you navigate the unique challenges that pastors face in their ministry journey, both personally and professionally.
So, I invite you to listen and subscribe to Pastor to Pastor, wherever you get your podcasts. Mm-hmm.
