Your church comes to you each week to fill their cup. But when the crowd leaves, who's filling yours? That's exactly what I'm here to do with my new podcast from Focus on the Family. It's called Pastor to Pastor with Dave Stone. I'm so excited to help you navigate the unique challenges that pastors face in their ministry journey, both personally and professionally.
So, I invite you to listen and subscribe to Pastor to Pastor, wherever you get your podcasts. God loves you so much, and you are not alone. And it doesn't matter how much you're drinking. It can be a couple glasses or a lot of glasses, but if it's getting in the way of your relationship with Jesus, just Just see what he has for you. He might have so much more on the other side.
Christy Osborne is with us today sharing how relying on Jesus instead of alcohol. Brought her peace and joy and freedom. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and we're so glad you've joined us. I'm John Fuller. You know, John, here's a big theological statement.
We are all children of God. I mean, every part of the creation belongs to him, but we have to choose as human beings. He's created us to lean into him, to have relationship with him. And I think so many people in the culture today, we're looking for coping mechanisms to fill that gap. You know, that longing that we have, that God-size hole in our heart that we often hear about or talk about.
And I think as Christians, we feel that. We know the reality of... patching that hole in our heart in a relationship with Jesus Christ. And some people, even with that relationship, struggle to take care of certain areas of their heart. And it's just part of being in this fallen world as believers and non-believers.
The beauty is that God cares for you and He wants to have that relationship with you. Even if we limp, the Lord is there to put our arm around him and to carry us over the line. He knows. And today we're going to talk about an interesting experience with our guest, Christy Osborne, who will relate to her book, Love Life Sober, and talk about how alcohol began to have a grip on her. And praise God, the Lord got a hold of her.
But we're going to hear more of that to help those of you who might be struggling in a similar way. And Christy has a background in law and public relations and business. She's a popular podcaster and sobriety coach and lives in London, England with her husband, Chris, and their two children, Ella and Carter. And Jim, you mentioned the book, Love Life. Life Sober, a 40-day alcohol fast to rediscover your joy, improve your health, and renew your mind.
And we've got details about our guest and the book in the show notes. Christy, welcome to Focus on the Family. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to be here.
Now, I got to brag a little bit being from California. You went to Pepperdine Law School. That had to be a good experience. At least look outside and go, wow, look where the Lord has me going to school. Oh my gosh, we actually just took the kids back to see it last week.
And we went into the library and we were like, this is where mom and dad met, and this is where I studied and planned my wedding.
Okay, I got to ask you, were they going, ah, 100%. Totally. This is where we ate lunch. This is the little table he proposed to me. I could imagine.
But that's exciting and it's fun. And you guys met in law school. Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing. And you took off to London eventually. Tell me, why did you end up in London?
So we studied abroad our second year of law school and my husband got an internship that turned into a job. And so after we graduated, he was offered a position in either London or New York. York or New York, and we just said, let's go for an adventure. And it's been 17 years.
So, your kids have mostly been raised there. Yes, I'm not sure. And it was delightful accents. Delightful accents, dual citizenship, all the fun things. Yeah, we're so blessed.
Christy, in looking at your book, reading the material, I really, first of all, want to say thank you for being so vulnerable. I mean, this is stuff that we usually talk about to very close friends. Yeah. And now we're, you know, you're talking to a couple of million people about this journey that you went on. And you work specifically with women to overcome addictions and find freedom and deepen their relationship with the Lord.
In that context, what did you hear from so many women about the allure of just having a little alcohol to make the day go a little easier? What was kind of the common refrain for these women who were looking for something? Yeah, so many things. I mean, I think I've learned that we all drink for such specific reasons, and as women, they end up being very similar.
So whether it's for connection and belonging or for relief or to kind of give yourself that reward at the end of the day if you're a mom or working or both you know just to give yourself that that space and that time for yourself as well and so as you alluded to like it becomes a coping mechanism um but what i didn't know is how addictive it can become what did it look like for you i mean what what was that like yeah so in like over the course of kind of i call it my drinking career I realized that I used it for different things.
So in law school, it was to ease stress and to wind down. When I became a mom, it was similar. I struggled with postpartum depression after the birth of my second baby, my son. And so very much a coping mechanism, but I didn't know it at the time at all. And then it kind of got to a place where I was hearing the Holy Spirit telling me, this is, I have so much more for you, Christy.
And it was my mom passed away and I was using it to cope with the grief of that. And so yeah. But again, I think the idea there are a variety of pressures that are going to come upon people, and specifically, again, what you've written in Love, Life, Sober, is this kind of unique thing for women that maybe working, maybe at home. Yes. Working from home.
Yes. There's just these pressures. Is there a distinction between a person that can have a glass of wine with dinner and be fine? There's no addiction occurring versus those that begin to lean on that to feel better. Is there a distinction or is it all taboo?
Yeah, no, I don't think it's all taboo. I think we have to look at like the question that I love to ask is: has it become an idol in your life, right? And so, for that woman that's having a glass at dinner, it's probably not taking up the headspace that it's taking up for, say, where I got and where the women that I get to speak to every day gets to, where it's taking up so much time in your heart, and your head, and your finances, and your energy levels, and all of that. But in that context, let me ask you this: Would a person who have asked you that question at the deepest part of that addiction that you were experiencing, would you have Understood that and rationalized it? No.
Correct. You would have thought you were handling it. 100%. 100%. Yes.
Because the world is really loud, right? And so this is the Romans 12, 2 of it all, right? We're not supposed to do what the world is telling us to do. We're not supposed to be conformed. And the world and women will know this and men, the world about alcohol is so, so loud everywhere you look.
There seems to be a rebound with it. You know, it's like, have you ever gone back and looked at, oh, what's that program? You know, Bewitched and I Dream a Genie. All the old Essex. They're drinking a ton in those shows.
I mean, right? Boom, you walk in a room in the show and they're saying, would you like a drink? Would you like, yeah. I mean, it's a alcohol was so prevalent in the 60s and 70s, I think. Yes, but I mean, all the way through, right?
Like I was, I talk about in the book, In Modern Family, the main mom in that series is always reaching for wine when she's stressed out. And so I do think it is like, and all praise to Jesus. It's swinging the other way with the younger generations, which is really cool to see. Yeah. But it yeah, the world is really, really noisy.
That's interesting to this topic. March 9th, 2020 was a pivotal day for you. What happened and why did that change things? Yeah, so it's so funny because You know, you think that you have to have this massive rock bottom moment where you get arrested or go to jail or DUI or your family is about to break up. But for me, it was just, I woke up, it was the anniversary of my mom's passing two years on.
I had been drinking the night before, but it wasn't like anything major. We just had friends over. And but I remember the heaviness of that day because it was the anniversary of her passing. I was just so, so depressed. And the alcohol doesn't help because it's a depressant.
And I was just so, so sad. And I was looking through my phone. And I had a popular blog at the time. And so I was really public facing and everything looked really shiny and happy. And I got to go be a commentator for Sky News for the royal wedding of Megan and Harry.
So I was looking at all these pictures and I'm like, this is not real because my heart is broken and I'm so sad and I'm so far from Jesus and I'm not who he has called me to be and I'm not the wife I want to be and I'm not the mother I want to be. And so I looked in the mirror and I was like, Jesus, I just, I need to take a break from alcohol. I knew, I knew he told me it was the first thing that I needed to look at.
So that's a great first step. But then that second step was filled with anxiety. Oh, yes. Fear. Oh, yes.
So what was that kind of, I hate to say it in this context, but like deal making with the Lord. What was that quid pro quo? Lord, I need to stop this. Will you help me? And if you do, I'll tithe more.
You know what I'm saying? You know, I mean, did you bargain with the Lord or just say, Lord, I need your help? Said I needed your help, but I really went into it with a very experimental mindset. I never, you guys, I never thought I'd be sitting here doing this. I know.
I thought it was just going to be a break. I thought I was just going to go on like a cleanse, right? Or like, and this is why it's a 40-day fast because it's the perfect like intro into just try this and see what God has for you. But that's what I thought it was going to be. And so there wasn't a ton of bargaining because I was like, I'm just going to do kind of a fast and then I'll be able to moderate and everything will be fine.
But God taught me so much more.
Well, and again, that's that distinction where you become dependent when it becomes an idol, like you said. Yes. Now, when you started out, you were talking to your friends. That was part of your anxiety, my social circles. I mean, everybody drinks wine with dinner.
What am I going to do? And will they look the other way and scorn me? Yes. But even your doctor was like, you don't have problems. That's an interesting observation that he was probably seeing other patients that you manage alcohol and, you know, if you have it.
Couple glasses at dinner, that's okay. But how did you communicate? No, I'm not okay. And how did he respond? He or she.
Yeah, so that conversation was actually after I had totally found freedom. And so the conversation was, I stopped drinking. And she was like, oh my gosh, I never, you never told me that you had any sort of problem. But I have heard from so many women that get that kind of green light confirmation, if you will, to keep drinking because their doctor just kind of says, oh, you're fine. Have a couple glasses of wine to relax because your work or the kids are really stressful.
So that's still, that messaging is still, it comes back to what we were saying about the world being really loud. Right. Did you feel, Christy, that there was kind of a triggering moment when your mom passed away, and that's that's when the slide occurred for you with alcohol? No, it was very much progressive. And I think that's such a great question because it brings up how sneaky alcohol can be and how addictive it can be and how it can, a small opening can become one glass a night, two glasses a night.
And that is because of how highly addictive actually alcohol is. And so it was a Very slippery slope, but when I knew that it like I needed to at least take a break, it was the Holy Spirit very much saying, I have more for you. I have something else. Christy, let me ask you this. This is, you know, this is an interesting question.
Question, I think, but you know, Jesus drank wine. His first miracle was turning water into wine. For those people who would say to you, well, you know, if Jesus had a drink of wine at a meal, et cetera, why is that not okay for us? Yeah, so that is the name of our podcast. But Jesus drank wine.
My beautiful co-host is sitting in your gallery.
So we heard that so often. I heard that at Bible studies. She heard it at church. Like, we just heard that all the time. And we use it ourselves as this kind of like confirmation, like it must be fine, right?
And so, of course, it's in the Bible, but there's also so many warnings about not getting drunk and not using alcohol to get drunk. And so that, again, just like we were saying, is a slippery slope. Spiritually speaking, I mean, again, that's an interesting insight that. You know, people will say, well, they didn't have good drinking water. Wine was at least a pure liquid.
But again, the scripture's clear: don't drink unto drunkenness. Yeah. And I talk about in the book as well that the alcohol by volume, ABV, is so different. Obviously, in the biblical times as it is today, it is so much stronger. And with communion, I read a lot about this, obviously, for the book.
They used to cut the wine with water so that it was very heavily diluted when they would be using it at, say, I'm sure that motivation was it lasted longer, right? We could get twice as many wine. It wasn't strong, but it wasn't as strong. Yeah, that's true, of course. Your drinking also impacted your marriage negatively.
Again, for a person who's a Christian that's leaning on this and you're not seeing it, I'll just make that assumption. How was it impacting your marriage? And did your husband say, honey, something's wrong? Yeah. He was the very first person that I said I needed to take a break.
And he was so supportive. But. Obviously, when you're drinking, if you've had too much, you don't remember things, right? It completely hijacks your prefrontal cortex and your memory-making ability. And so, we would drink, and it started off, you know, again, going back to the slippery slope thing, very, you know, innocent, a couple glasses of wine with dinner, but then we wouldn't remember and we would end up arguing.
And then, I used to do this thing, so embarrassing, but I would make notes in my phone with one eye open because I had been drinking of like the parts of the argument that I wanted to win the next morning because I was obviously right. Oh, I know you, yeah. And then, of course, I would read the notes the next morning and have no idea what they said or what we thought about. And so, it was just like it was building on that. And yeah, I'm thinking of volume.
You know, you're writing to women and the caution to women to not let life overcome you and use this as a crutch to cope. I know a very specific situation: a man, a friend in my life who had terrible back pain. I mean, terrible. He could not sleep. And he fell into the habit of drinking like a bottle of wine in the evening just to get sleepy.
And that then later, you know, he Christian, Christian man, but you know, he was trying to go to bed. And, you know, that created problems for him a year in, two years in, and then he had to. Recalibrate and reconnect.
So, although we're talking about women and those things, I mean, men, for those kinds of reasons, just pain in your body, and it seems to get you to sleep a little quicker so you can sleep a little deeper. Yeah, but you're you would say, Yeah, don't do that. No, and there's so much in the book about this. There's a whole day on just sleep. And to a kind of bigger point, we think that we know a lot about alcohol, but jumping into the science of how it actually affects our brains and bodies was so incredibly helpful for me because that was one of my reasons, too.
I was like, oh, have a couple glasses of red wine to help me sleep. But I was actually like putting myself like I was anesthetizing myself. And women will relate to this. It's the 3 a.m. wake up where you've had a couple glasses of wine and your mind starts spinning and your mouth feels like you just swallowed a sweater.
And it didn't actually give you any sleep. It just knocked you out like you were being anesthetized for a surgery. And so you don't get that deep restorative rest that your brain and your body needs. To function and properly do all the things that God has for you. There was a time that you had a barbecue and this shows the impact toward your children.
I'm sure you were feeling like, I'm sure the kids don't realize what's happening. They wouldn't be that observant. Yeah. But they were. Yeah, that is one of the messages that.
Ugh, because I think what a great thing to bring up with this story is the shame of it all. Because a mom and any woman actually can relate to, I think, when we're talking about struggling with alcohol as a Christian woman, there's this double layer of shame because you're kind of in this shame about drinking, but then you're in this double layer of shame because you're like, I'm a Christian. Why am I drinking so much? And that is even compounded when it's related to your children. And so one of the things I felt a lot of shame about was, oh my gosh, what did the kids see?
Right. As far as you know, Having too much to drink and giving them a bath, or not wanting to get up and play on a Saturday morning because I had a quote-unquote migraine/slash hangover. And so, I've realized that the kids were so much more in tune to more than I thought they were. And I'm just so blessed that I'm on the other side of this and I can talk to them about it now. They're both teenagers now, and they can have those conversations with me, like, oh, well, you weren't fun, and now you're really fun because you actually want to hang out with us.
And so, to your point, yes, I think that they do recognize a lot more than we give them credit for. You know, in the book, you elaborate on shame and how it doesn't necessarily motivate change, it can deepen the guilt that you feel. As a Christian, how do you manage that shame? And I think women in particular really can load on the guilt far better than men. Men, I think it's our ego that kind of prevents that.
No, it's her problem. Adam did it to Eve, right? It's the woman, but women have a Yeah. unbelievable capacity to look at their own Weaknesses before blaming other people generally. I've made that observation.
I'm sure some people may disagree. Make a comment for those on YouTube. But speak to that issue of looking at yourself and heaping on the guilt and that not being productive. Yes. And this is a science thing that fascinated me, which is, I talk about this in the book, is that when you're in that place of shame, you are in the part of your brain that's like fight or flight.
And so you cannot access your prefrontal cortex, which is the logical part of your brain. And so, what do most women, myself included, do to get out of that place is that you end up drinking more because you just want to ease that tension. And so, what really, really helped me is I just, when I remember just reading the story of Mary Magdalene and like her being forgiven and then given this incredible opportunity to go share the gospel. And I just thought, okay, God, like, you know. If you can forgive her, and by the way, everybody else in the Bible, right?
Yeah. If you can forgive her, all the misfits, yeah, then you can forgive me. And so obviously it was a process of asking for forgiveness from my husband for things and lots to God, to friends, but it's a process that he has been so gracious and in his perfect timing helped me work through. You know, Christy, I think as Christians, so often we see God as a grandfatherly figure who carries a big stick. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. And that's the relationship. And I think, you know, one, that's not the relationship. It's so unhealthy that way.
But for the guilt-ridden person, and you could fill in what the sin might be. You know, if it's. drinking until you're drunk or you know, pornography. You fill in the blank. Right.
You I think as humans we lean into that feeling like grandpa's watching. God is watching and he's got a stick and if we misbehave he's gonna Strike us over the knuckles or something. That's not God's character. That's not. He's trying to pull you into a healthier direction.
But speak to that experience because you had it. That it isn't the shame and the guilt. That is not where God wants you to be. Yeah. No, I just, I, I, and this was the beauty of this whole journey for me is that.
Putting alcohol in the rear view gave me the opportunity to get to know who Jesus is and what his character is, and that he does forgive. And I can't remember who said it, it might have been someone in our community, but you don't realize you need grace till you need it. And that was me. Like, I needed the grace and the compassion and the forgiveness from a loving father. And when I turned to him and got to know him, that is what I got.
You offer some advice for dealing with triggers. You know, triggers is such a big word, and you know, you're triggering me. And, you know, as a mom, maybe explain triggers that were triggering you as a mom, and then what does it mean to play the tape forward twice, which you talk about in the book? Yeah, one of the exercises I go through in the book is to just name these triggers. And there's a special mention, for example, for summer because there's a lot, there can be a lot of triggers.
For example, rose is everywhere if you're used to drinking at the beach or on your back. Porch, or you're always drinking at a barbecue, all of those can be triggers. And so, there's a really helpful exercise in the book of naming those and then choosing what you would do differently. It's the stimulus and response, right?
So, kind of identifying what the stimulus is and then figuring out how your response is going to change. And so, that is really helpful. And one of the exercises, then, when you're faced with a trigger that is so, so helpful, and one of the favorites of our community members and my clients is play the tape forward. And by that, I mean, if you have the drink, what does the rest of the evening and the next day and all of it look like? Play that tape forward.
What's the cost of it? Yes. Are you going to sleep? How are you going to be getting the kids ready for school in the morning? What's your workday going to look like?
And then, what ends up happening when you play that tape all the way to the end of the day is normally I'm going to have a drink to take the edge off of how I'm feeling. And so, it's a perpetual cycle. And then play that exact tape forward again, not having had the drink. Do you sleep better? Do you have More energy?
Are you able to get up and read your Bible or make it to church or whatever it is? And then you get to kind of choose between those two paths. And that will be tricky for the woman who doesn't have any experience of being a non-drinker. And so, what I say to that woman is just keep an open mind and keep God really, really close to you. Because if you, and that was me, I had no experience.
I had done life for decades just having wine all the time. And so I had no idea what it would look like not to have wine at the barbecue, at the party, at the wedding, at the whatever, at the Bible study, whatever it is. And so just give yourself the time. To try it because see how God will show up for you, because He's so good. You know, Christy, this has been great.
Right at the end here, I'm back to that question I asked toward the beginning, which was, you know, for that woman that's in that spot where you were.
So I'd ask it in that context for a woman, maybe dozens of women who are either listening or watching right now. Who are drinking, and they're doing it exactly as you're describing it. It's no big deal, but it was back then when you didn't have your kind of spiritual attunement. Yeah. And How would you describe or what would you say to that woman to kind of arrest her thinking about this?
It's okay. This is your girlfriend. Yeah. It's okay, Christy. I'm managing it.
I can manage it. What do you say to her? God loves you so much, and you are not alone. And. And it doesn't matter how much you're drinking.
It can be a couple glasses or a lot of glasses. But if it's getting in the way of your relationship with Jesus, just see what he has for you. He might have so much more on the other side. And again, I'll come back to it again because I just want to drive it home. You're not alone because the women that come to our community, they think they are the only ones.
And we have so many women in different ages and stages. And they're afraid that they can't talk about this. And so, again, you're not alone. Yeah. Christy, I appreciate your courage to talk about this.
And it's one of those hidden things in the church. It's kind of beneath the bar, so to speak. We don't talk about it, but it's happening and people are suffering because of it. Children are certainly suffering because they're not getting 100% of their mom or their dad. And I just want to say thanks for that vulnerability.
Thank you so much. And let me turn to our listeners. Focus on the family exists to help families have strong, thriving relationships. I think that's evident, hopefully, John. And if you're struggling with alcohol or some other addiction, get in touch with us.
I mean, we have so many resources to help you, and you don't need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, that guilt that Christy was talking about. Our Christian counselors have heard so much. I think they've heard it all and are more than willing to help you. Freedom is possible for you. You just have to take the steps in the right direction, just like Christy did.
And I also want to recommend that you get Christy's great book, Love Life Sober: A 40-day Alcohol Fast to Rediscover Your Joy, Improve Your Health, and Renew Your Mind. That's a pretty big proposition, but I think that's exactly what you're going to receive. Yeah, it's a terrific way to navigate the steps ahead in your journey towards sobriety. And Christy really expounds on God's truth and shares ways that you can really grab on to and then show yourself grace along the way.
Well, when you give a gift of any amount to support the ministry, or if you can't afford it, In touch with us, we'll get it out into your hands and trust others. We'll cover the cost of that. But just make a gift of any amount. We'll send it as our way of saying thank you. And let me remind you of the impact you have had investing in Focus on the Family as a ministry.
Here's a testimony from Nathan: I had an affair which led my spouse to turn to alcohol. For two years, we became strangers who happened to be married. If it wasn't for Focus on the Family shining a light in my marriage, I would be a divorced husband and an estranged father. Thank God for the ministry that you do at Focus on the Family. That's pretty strong.
Wow, and that's what we want to do each and every day. Do it with us for the kingdom of Christ. These broadcasts, our articles, the counseling team, all of what Focus does obviously cost money to do.
So step up with us and be a partner. Yeah, join the support team today. Get your copy of the book, Love Life Sober, and schedule a consultation with one of our counselors. when you call 800, the letter A and the word family. 800-232-6459 or look for our contact info in the show notes.
And on behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your church comes to you each week to fill their cup. But when the crowd leaves, who's filling yours? That's exactly what I'm here to do with my new podcast from Focus on the Family.
It's called Pastor to Pastor with Dave Stone. I'm so excited to help you navigate the unique challenges that pastors face in their ministry journey, both personally and professionally.
So, I invite you to listen and subscribe to Pasture to Pasture, wherever you get your podcasts. Mm-hmm.
